I Wanted To Have An Upbeat End To 2024

 Nothing on the agenda Today so after Dusk we may go look at Christmas Lights while they're still up and see if the Santa House is still doing House Tours?  We've always done that, but, due to my Medical Emergency and Hospitalization, never got around to it the Weekend we'd Planned it coz I Stroked Out, literally.  *Le Sigh*   Nothing like almost Dying to cock up a nice Holiday itinerary and piss on Christmas Plans, huh?  *Bwahahahaha* Princess T doesn't Work on Sunday or Monday so a Saturday Night would be a good time to go do it if she hasn't already Planned something?  She is seeing Rusty again, so, I'd do it on her Schedule, she's the one that brought up we hadn't gone to look at Lights this Christmas or gone to the Santa House.

Now, granted, he has a Vehicle and so do most of her Guy and even Gal Friends, but it wouldn't be the same, she said, if we didn't do it as a Family.  *Awwwww*   We've taken her Friends with us numerous Years and they always enjoy it, no matter how Old they get.  I leave it up to my Kiddos whether they want a Plus One when we go... or not?   I've taken my Friends over the Years too.  Back in the day we often went as a Community Convoy to the Extreme Christmas Houses together and then met up at one of our Homes for a Christmas Pot Luck.  Those days are long gone, most of those Friends have either moved away or passed away now.  So, only fond Memories remain of when we did it like that.  When I went in to the Antique Mall on Friday, the Manager gave me a Eulogy Sheet of an Old Co-Worker Friend, Kim, who'd passed away recently.

Kim had to quit Work in 2019 due to Memory Care Issues.  I'm pretty sure she had onset of Dementia or Alzheimers and it was getting bad then.   The last time anyone saw her in Person was Three Years ago and they said she was Reed Thin.   Kim was a Thin Sprite of a Woman anyway, so I could only imagine how frail she looked Thinner!  We've lost so many Dear Co-Worker Friends recently and I was saddened to hear that Kim had now also Crossed Over, but I knew her illness had been a challenging one for her.   I hadn't seen her since her Retirement in 2019, since, I'm sure she just didn't get out much anymore or keep in touch with anyone.   With the Memory Illnesses the person is lost in layers long before they succumb to the final stages of it.  I like to remember Kim as she was, always Smiling her big warm Smile and a Joy to know and befriend.   

I did a deep dive into our BAAM Archives to dredge up Old Photos of Kim, she was there in the very early days of the Mall's Opening too.  There are so few of us left from the very beginning.  Well, it was a Nostalgic and Sentimental Trip down Memory Lane to browse those Archives.  But, also bittersweet and choked me up, since, there were also Images of other Friends lost who I didn't have any Photos of and Thankfully The Mall did.  There were also Old Photos of myself and now I realize how much Weight I've actually lost, becoz they had some of my Very Big Girl Pixs, Holy Mother of God I forgot I'd gotten and been quite that large!  I'm Glad I'm getting a handle on it and trimming down nicely now back to a Goal Weight I'd been in 2010.

For my Friends at the Antique Mall I also Re-Shared some of these Blast From the Past Images on The Book Of Faces, where we all Connect when we're not at Work.   I didn't know how many would trawl thru the Old Biz FB Page Images to resurrect the Past?   I tend to Save those Images that are particularly Meaningful to me becoz of whose in them.  The Mall should get back to doing what they did in the early Days, it made everyone closer and turnover was not as problematic becoz people built Meaningful Relationships with one another at Work.   So, it was much more than just Selling stuff and Preserving Things of the Past, it was a Community of Kindred Spirits, the Sharing of Life and Knowledge of Antiques, Vintage Items and Collectibles, making good Friendships along the way and being like a Family.  

For some of the Elderly Vendors and Young Singles, it might be the closest Connections they had and where they saw people they knew well the most often.   Even those who Retired or just Moved On in their Careers, many kept in Touch.  I keep in Touch with many of the Young People who began their early Working Years there and went on to greater things, but, didn't want to lose Touch.   We just watched the Jeff Ross 2024 Year Roast on NetFlix, it was hilarious, they Roasted all the highlights of 2024 with a Cast of Comedians and Impersonators.   The Son got to see Jeff Ross in person here in Phoenix.   We're glad he's doing well in his battle with Cancer, he's as fearlessly funny as ever, none of the Comedians was being PC and I LOVE that.

When I picked Princess T up from Work she and I Activated the Laws of Attraction, which I'm Schooling her on and explaining how it Works.  We just happened to be discussing what she REALLY wanted and she said what she's always REALLY wanted was one of those Round Fisheye Security Mirrors like they have in Hospitals and Parking Garages, but, you never see them For Sale.  I tell her, well, Speak it into Existence right now and activate the Laws of Attraction, then things just show up Miraculously and it's never failed me.  She does just that right there and then and I swear to God Almighty, we literally turned the Corner to go down another Aisle and there it was, Seconds after she Spoke it into Existence, she almost shit Kittens!!!!   GRAMMA, OMG, there's one right there, she squealed!!!   It was a Commercial one and only Twenty Bucks so I bought it for her, she was incredulous.  Now she doesn't Question the Laws of Attraction and how fast it can literally Activate in your Favor!

Above is my Old Vendor Friend Romeo, who Passed many Years ago having an Outpatient Procedure that never should have cost him his Life.  He was in his 80's, in perfect Health for an Octogenarian, and was a Retired Hollywood Stuntman.  Any Old B&W Spaghetti Western where someone's being dragged behind a Horse, it's probably Romeo.  After Retiring from being a well known Stuntman, he owned a Las Vegas Limousine Company and transported Celebrities.   He said the worst Celebrity Client they ever had was Surprisingly Marlo Thomas.  None of his Drivers wanted to transport her so he said he always had to take one for his Team and do it.   I know my own Brother has burst many of my Bubbles of Celebs who aren't very nice people to have to work with or for.   It does ruin some Illusions of the Famous.  They are just People after all.

My Dear Blog Friend Shirley from BOOTS AND BRAIDS Blog sent Princess T a Surprise Christmas Pressy Package of Iconic Magazines, some still Sealed from the 1990's and never peeked at.    Princess T squealed with Delight and anticipation, it was a much bigger package than expected with some Iconic Famous Centerfolds.   Thanks again Shirley, she was more excited to receive this than any of her other Pressies... and Yes, she immediately unsealed Brad and we took a Gander.  *Winks*   Now I know Why Thelma and Louise picked him up... and Angelina too.   *Smiles*   She's keeping them ALL and won't let her Uncle or Brother have any of the Issues, but said Gay Timmy will mos def wanna see the PLAYGIRL Issues... bwahahahahahaha.   So, she might be spending the Night over at Timmy's and Sharing the Stud Muffin Eye Candy.  *Winks and LOL*

 

Right now I have to say I'm finding it more challenging to Deal with my Loved Ones Disabilities and Mental Health Limitations while trying to just Recover from my own Disabling Factors Post-Stroke.   When someone is Seriously Mentally Ill or Brain Damaged it's not like they can turn that off becoz it's inconvenient or difficult for you to be Dealing with it, they are as they are 24-7 and 365.   And honestly the present Systems in place do absolutely nothing to be supportive of Families that are Caring for Seriously Ill or Disabled Loved Ones.   It's not cost effective for any of the Systems to and so they just don't to save Money, and that includes the Federal Government and the VA regarding their Disabled Veterans.   With Seriously Mentally Ill Loved Ones you receive no Help whatsoever to Care for them or to ensure their quality of Life and try to help them gain a level of Independence.  I know if mine didn't live here, they'd be among the forsaken Homeless.  The Daughter, The Son and The Young Prince and Allen have all been Homeless at points in time if I didn't give them a Safe Place to Be.

    

The problem with Autism is they can't Read The Room, so, they go too far with people and don't Read Body Language or heed Verbal Warnings that they've gone too far since they have no Filter.    With Bipolar Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury or Dementia Individuals, there is an inability to Mood Regulate, and also so hard for them to interact well with other people in a harmonious way all of the time, becoz Relationships are complicated even for Health People, let alone those with Mental and Mood Disorders who Agitate and Overwhelm easily and frequently.   With a Schizophrenic it's very complex in a myriad of ways to manage interactions.  If Dissociative Identity Disorder complicates things further, you're Dealing with more than one Personality of an Individual and each will be completely different and must be handled differently.  It can be a lot, and, you know the Cavalry is never coming even if you Reach Out.   

Benefits and Services are parsed out sparingly with often impossible Qualifying factors to aide Families and Individuals.  So, there's many layers of complexities to Deal with constantly.   Today I had to take a Me Break for a few Hours and just drive around looking at Christmas Lights and visiting The Santa House, an annual Tradition, but one I did intentionally by myself for the first time.   There were many Visitors Outside, enjoying the Host's Snow Machine flurry, since, we don't get Snow in the Lower Desert.   I was the only one Touring the Home and that was a first too and Cool, coz I could linger and get some great Photographs without feeling rushed along by a Line of Visitors doing the Tour.  It's a Self-Guided Tour, the Host sits outside and Greets everyone and this is his 31st Year of doing this Labor of Love in Extreme Christmas Decorating Inside and Out and opening it up to the Public at No Charge.

Sunday Night is the last Night it's being Hosted so I will take Princess T.  She's been Stressed Out with me being ill becoz I'm the Caregiver and Mediator for the other Three here at The Asylum and she knows it's often overwhelming, even when you are Well.   She got upset with her Mom and Uncle on Saturday becoz they both happened to have a Mental Health Day at the same time and it's not as if my Health will stop that from happening.   And when anyone is having a Mental Health Day it's not as if they're gonna always be capable of getting along and playing well with others and being compatible.   Or, not self-medicate in some way as a default mechanism for not being able to take Psychotropics anymore.  Which, since they've both been Clean for Years from Street Drugs or Prescribed Strong Mental Health Drugs, usually means Drinking Alcohol, which lowers inhibitions even if it dulls their Inner Demons and Torment from their respective Mental Illnesses.   

I don't have a Solution, just Moderation in all things as my Rule here and treating one another Respectfully, Compassionately and Kindly.   Sometimes they're quite capable of doing that, sometimes one or another isn't, of both Adult Kids and The Man, and I must Moderate and Mediate so things don't escalate.   I usually send everyone off to be by themselves and get Centered, Calm Down, and get a Grip.   Making Grown Men do that is harder than making The Daughter do that now.  She used to be the harder one, so, it's great progress that she can even live among other People, she hadn't been able to for many Decades.  So, it's New to her to have to interact with someone and not go Mental and be easily Triggered.   With her Brother's Autism, Autistic tendencies can be very Triggering to other People even if they're Well, becoz an Autistic Person can't always be successfully Managed and disengaged and will often Imagine they're misunderstood and persecuted.  

They simply don't possess the capacity to empathize with others, especially when they're having a Meltdown.   To Disengage an Autistic Person from a Situation I always try to provide a Safe, Calm, Quiet place for them to retreat to... if they but GO willingly as you state the Intention to Take A Break.   Transitioning away from an Overwhelming Situation is a Process and Autism Shutdown can happen.  You want to be a Source of Comfort and not more Stress.   You can't Panic or ask too many Questions or go Overboard trying to Comfort or Diffuse a Situation, it will only add to it.  Doing that with a Child is hard, doing it with a full Grown Adult Man, harder.   Throw in a Paranoid Schizophrenic Older Sister and a Disabled Veteran Dad with Brain Damage and Dementia, well, it can sometimes come to a Head when they're all Sharing Space and attempting to get along and Play Well with Others.  *Le Sigh*  Princess T and I have our Mental Health Issues, we just Self Manage them better.

Like me, she retreats and Isolates when she knows or feels she's not going to Cope well with Peopling.  *Smiles*   Mental Health Pros will tell you that's not a good tactic, but, for her and I, it will mean you won't Snap and go Mental on someone, so, it's just preferable to the alternative.   So, yeah, I went on my Quiet Time Ride after Mediating between The Siblings.  I had Princess T fill in to look after Grandpa, while her Uncle and Mom had been sent by me to their separate Corners when clearly they weren't gonna be able to be in each other's Presence.  She was amenable, he wasn't at first and had a Meltdown, but, finally went to his Room and his Video Games to Calm Down.   His Sister had laid Hands on him when he wouldn't leave her alone, so, he'd poked The Beast too much and that didn't End Well for either of them.  And I don't Need this, needless to say, and drove that Point Home to all involved.

When I got back Home after decompressing so I don't have another fucking Stroke, there was no more Trouble in Paradise.  But, this is problematic right now and no viable Solution exists that I haven't already explored.   I will discuss it again with my Healthcare Team and perhaps they know of some Resources I can now Qualify for Post-Stroke?   But, I'm not holding my Breath.   The Track Record for System Help is abysmal, always has been, and so my expectations are quite low to receive any actual Helpful Resources or Services.  If you're affluent, they might exist, if you're not, they just don't and aren't affordable.  If you're Poor, which Thankfully we're not, you're just fucked and forsaken... nobody will give a shit until something goes really sideways and makes the Ten O'Clock News. 

  

Then the wringing of Hands and gnashing of Teeth will happen Publicly, as a Show that something must be done, but, it never is.   Just like the Epidemic of other catastrophic happenings, little is ever actually done.  I was watching Cuomo on News Nation and he had a 24 Year Old Female Army Reserve Veteran whose Disabled and the Army had forsaken her and taken away all her Benefits and Medical Care even tho' they Caused her Catastrophic Health Issues and stratospheric Medical Costs and near Death Experience.  She's still now totally Disabled and had to be Medically Retired and they were bringing attention to her Case, AS IF it's New News.  It's NOT.  Been Dealing with all of that now for a couple Decades regarding The Man, even with 39 YEARS of Service he's not treated any better than that Youngster who was a Weekend Warrior.  I'm glad she got herself a good Legal JAG Advocate and Cuomo's Ear too to put it on National Media Blast.  It won't Change tho'.

So, it matters not how long or how often you Served, same Bullshit once you're gonna Cost them some Money due to being "Damaged" Government Issue.   The Cover Ups have been long and epic, Families and Veterans Fight it ALL the fucking time.  Sometimes you Win some Battles but Lose the War.   And if you're never gonna get Better then you're gonna be Expensive and nobody wants to foot that Bill.  Not the Federal Government, not Insurance Companies, not the Military or any Civilian Sector Company, Nobody.   You will eventually reconcile yourself to the Reality that you will mostly be Advocating for yourself and your Loved Ones.   Especially if you cannot afford to Hire whatever and whoever it takes, and do that perpetually and at great Expense, not just in terms of Dollars, but it will Cost you in ways you can't really comprehend until it's you.   And so when any Doc tells me to lower my Stress levels I have to Laugh, AS IF.  Either I'm up by Faith and know it has to Hold, or I know I'm just Fucked.

Yes, a shitty Space to Hold, but, I've been holding it down and keeping it together for a few Decades now and Yes, it takes a Toll, like anything prolonged just does.  And Blogging about the Experience hopefully is Helpful to anyone else going thru the Issues of Life, whatever they happen to be.   Too numerous to mention what they might be and I don't keep Score or Track of what challenges Life can Hold for any and all of us.  Everyone is probably going thru something, it's the Human Experience, and, if you're not, just keep on Living.  *Winks*   I have my Emotional Support System that I Lean on sometimes when I'm feeling Overwhelmed, pressed above Measure and beyond Strength.  Mostly it doesn't have Flesh On, if you know what I mean?   And I keep it 100% with my Creator just like I do with you all... I don't Sugarcoat a damned thing, I Keep it Real.  If you need and require Sugar Coating Darlin', go have a Donut.  *Smiles*

I wanted to have an Upbeat End of the Year sending off Post for 2024 and perhaps it might still happen... we got a couple of Days left.  *LOL*   This Post ain't gonna be it tho', Clearly, it's almost 4:00 in the Morning and I haven't been to Bed yet coz, Wound Up tighter than a 7 Day Clock and on a Bipolar Bender now I've Calmed Down the Residents of The Asylum, where I'm Ringmaster of this Shitshow of a Circus, and these are my Monkeys.   Dead Friends and the Trials Of Life right now just are Front and Center so the Fluff of Life is not able to be Indulged right now by Yours Truly... it happens.   Later Today will be a brand new Day... and I moved out of my Bad Head Space going to The Santa House, how can you stay Down when you're surrounded by such a Magical Experience that someone is Hosting and has provided to you at no Cost?   And has made that Sacrificial Gift to the Community for 31 Years now?  After losing his Beloved to AIDS back when it was rampant and stigmatized, and has remained Single ever since his Lifelong Partner Passed.   He is Inspirational to me.

Besides, I can't and refuse to stay Down, it's not my Normal State of Being.   I just Love Greeting each and every Day and do Feel I have a Good Life.   I truly enjoy my Friends and my Family, even my Acquaintances and many of the Strangers who cross our Paths and we'll never see again, but get to Enjoy for that Moment in Time.  I've had the Privilege of Growing Old, which is a Privilege not afforded to many, and I'm Grateful for that.   There's so much to be Grateful for and you can't keep a Grateful Heart down.   Those that will wallow in Misery too long usually succumb to it in the End.   And so often your Misery is actually your Ministry.   A Dear Friend Shared that Spiritual Message with me a long, long time ago and I never forgot it becoz it's absolutely True.   And you never know who or when you will be Ministering to somebody else also Going Thru, and if you have an actual Point of Reference, you Know, like nobody else would who has none.   I can't fully Know about an Experience I've never had myself.

So any and all Experiences I've had, I can draw upon, whether they be good ones or bad ones.   I can't draw from something I've never been exposed to and know nothing of.   And that goes for each and every one of us and our Life Experiences which shape us and the Filter by which we View our World.   There's a LOT going on in the World right now and much of it is far more dire than anything I've ever experienced or had to Survive and bear Testimony to.   I have no delusions about the Privilege of being an American and living in our Country and being a part of something far bigger than myself.   I've Traveled the World and seen a lot, many Nations are truly a Wonderful Experience, but then there are those that are not, for whatever reasons currently plague them that they're Working Out too.   America will be Working Out some shit in 2025 and beyond, for some Time to come I suspect.   Not all of it will be Positive, Godly or Good.   Becoz People are involved and we're a tricky Species.

We have our ability to react to the World around us more than most Species can or will have the capacity for, but, some lag in doing that successfully.   Others do a commendable job of at least trying.   I know I'm truly Blessed to have met so many that are trying to make the World a better place to Be and contributing in ways that will leave a Positive Legacy when they're no longer here and pass from Time into Eternity.   The Void so many who have Crossed Over have left behind can seem vast at times to me, who will fill that Space?    So many of the really Good Ones have Passed now and I do Miss each and every one of them becoz they were some of the Best of Us, as a Collective.   And a lot of my Generation are now fewer and fewer, soon I know there will be none of us and the Generation behind us will then be The Elders.   The scant few of my Parents Generation left I revere becoz they're almost all Gone now.   And that's the Natural Order of things, it is as it should be that way.   The Baton gets passed Generation to Generation in the Race.

I don't Look Back a lot in Life, just thru Old Photographs really, I'd really rather be Mindfully Present in the Moment.  I don't pay much attention really to the Future either, it's not Promised and there's enuf Worries in the Present not to borrow some from the Future either.    I do make Plans, Goals and such, but at this Season of Life prefer to keep them rather Short Term, for obvious reasons.  *LOL*   I mean I haven't got a 30 Year Plan or Goal anymore, obviously.  *Bwahahahaha*   But, I do contemplate what, in 2025, I'd like to try to accomplish and then what other Goals might be set that are reasonable and doable?   I'm not one to make lofty New Year's Resolutions, I think that's why so many Fail and don't make it thru January, let alone the whole Year or a Lifetime.   I like the seemingly attainable Goals and Resolutions I'll set up for myself and stick to.   Keep it Simple Stupid is probably my best Advice for setting Goals and Resolutions for the New Year my Friends.  Then we can Celebrate when you have the small Victories.   Failure is only possible when you quit trying...

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Here's to many Victories and Measures of Success in 2025 my Friends... Dawn... The Bohemian