The Disturbed And Disrupted Calm

 

The Son already got the Paperwork the Courts asked for this Morning and I said it will impress them if he Photographs and E-Mails it to them by Early Afternoon in compliance.  Hopefully they will waive any penalizing or extending of the Interlock Requirement, or serving Jail Time for having no Money and no Vehicle and no Job, since Heaven knows when he'll get a Job to even save up for a Vehicle and the required Device? 

 All they needed was the DMV to show he has a clean driving record, which, he does.  He hasn't been driving for a long time now anyway, since he had no transportation and couldn't comply with that last thing that were his Terms allowing him to Drive, but, with Conditions.  They were impressed he'd done everything else, I guess so few people do or keep getting in trouble.  He's stayed out of trouble, he doesn't want trouble.  With the Autism he doesn't always have great judgment about things tho', it is an impairment of judgment and reading Social Cues as well.  Most people can't tell he's Autistic or Bipolar, it's easier to see he has Adult ADHD than the other Two Conditions that cause Life Issues.

Anyway, so he got that out of the way at the 3rd Party DMV place next to where the Grandchild Works.  So I just let him go in there while I went into her Store and picked her up.  They are so quick there and only charge a little more than the DMV, saving you so much time and hassle tho' that it's worth every Penny extra.  It went from super Cold earlier Today to 95 Degrees now tho' by Early Afternoon!!!  Schizo Weather, hard to know what to wear every Morning.

 The Man had been very Anxious about having so much Today all at once, with Three Home Visits in a row, that he was Mentally and Physically spent and acting super Weird becoz of it.  When he gets Anxious is when the TBI and Dementia really comes into Play and is obvious that he's in Cognitive Distress and being rendered more and more non-functional, confused, agitated and even Hostile at times.  He was getting visibly upset and didn't even know why we had all these people coming or what he was supposed to be Doing, so the last Guy was very gentle, respectful, encouraging and Kind about everything.

Getting expanded Services is beneficial, to keeping him rehabilitated enuf, but it is a LOT for him...and for the rest of us to fit in to our busy Schedule as well and Cope with.  It takes a Village as they liked to say back in the day. *Smiles*  For now he's cooperative most of the time, but I can see it waning as his Disease progresses Cognitively, which could end up being more of a challenge than the Physical aspect of his decline.  *Whew*  Lately he's been yelling out "Help!" loudly for no apparent reason, and when you ask what he Needs Help for, he doesn't even know, he's just yelling it out all the time.  It gets my Pulse Rate elevated each time!!! 

 I think he just gets disoriented and scared about it?  I am very worried and I think he's sensing that I am growing more concerned about our ability to keep meeting him at his point of Need.  Which is making him more scared and anxious, feeling less secure as well, as it is with all of us actually becoming more anxious and scared about his condition and our coping with it adequately.  You don't know what the Future holds or how bad things could further decline or become more challenging.  I've had it get as bad as it could possibly get before, and it's often more than you can handle, or keep your Sanity or Quality of Life to move thru.  I don't wanna revisit all of that, but I know we will.

So, anyway, a lot of that has been on my Heart and Mind lately, don't wanna lose him, don't want him suffering or worsening to where he has no Quality of Life left either.  Don't want to have to relinquish his Care to anyone for a slew of reasons, even IF we could find suitable placement and it would be covered without wiping us out financially and completely.  It's an awful lot to Process and have a Peace about, I know it's Scaring him a lot too and seeing him vulnerable and frail, when he's such a tough Guy, has been so hard.

  I keep telling him, you can do this Marine... and then he really Tries so HARD, it breaks my Heart tho'.  And luckily I don't Cry easily and can remain Stoic and Firm, looking Tough enuf to get his compliance and making him feel I Got This, so he thinks I'm Stronger than I actually am too.  Shit, we're both faking it really.  I can only be transparently vulnerable here in The Land Of Blog and keep it 100% about this being very unsettling and sometimes I don't know that I do "Got This" or an Strong or Tough enuf.  I HAVE to be and so like my Dear Old Dad always told me anytime I said I was Scared about anything, "Well then Dawn, just DO IT AFRAID!"  Dad was Gangsta about showing no Emotion and Doing whatever came against us or him, without even looking Not Calm about it or flinching.

 My Dad handled some Epic shit in Life with such Calm and incredible resilience and Strength that I actually Believed absolutely nothing Scared or Intimidated him.  Now I know, shit probably did, but you'd never know it.  A lot of Indigenous are like that, you don't know what they're Thinking or Feeling, they keep a Lid on that shit and remain Stoic, Tough, and Strong about it.  Bowing Down to no Man.  So, I keep a lid on my Emotions all of the time and remain Stoic, coz it's how I was Taught and Raised to.  But on the Inside I'm a Hot Mess sometimes... or... just Numb and don't Feel a damned thing, which, is almost worse sometimes.  When you have a Flat Affect and No Emotion left in you.  It's not a diagnosis itself, but a Symptom that can be a serious one for you.   I am Blunting a lot and I know it and am Aware of it.  

It's my Coping and Self-Protection Mechanism.   I'm Dealing with much more than The Man's Issues.  The Grandson is going thru an awful lot trying not only to get his Divorce finalized, but, that his soon-to-be-ex is not in a good place Mentally AT ALL but has a Family Dynamic that isn't as supportive with each other as ours is.  Which is Weird to me coz his Mom is a Doctor, and such a good one that she Teaches Medicine at a high level.  So, it's not as if she's unaware of her Son's Diagnosis and the Baggage that brings along with it.   Her acceptance of how he is just isn't there tho', I think some Families aren't accepting of anything they think is a defect.  As if it's some reflection on THEM, if a Family Member isn't 100% how they think they should be, it's Weird to me.

 Allen has been Suicidal and the only one he HAS to call is his Husband.  And it's not like The Young Prince can Cope with Calls like that... his own Condition is not capable of Self Care, let alone saying or doing anything if you're needing Care!!!   Allen doesn't wanna end up in a Psyche Ward coz then he could become Unemployable and he has no-one, he's a hard Working Guy and works at Slaughterhouses, you HAVE to be Tough for that Job and not show Weakness or Emotions.  It is worrisome when someone is in that Ideology Frame of Mind and might just follow thru with it.  Nobody wants that to happen.  They also don't want someone to be both Suicidal and perhaps Homicidal too, if they Feel Hopeless enough to take others with them.  It's a precarious Space to Hold and it happens often when Relationships are Ending and one Person isn't accepting it or Coping.  Allen is truly all Alone.  It's Sad.  It makes The Young Prince Sad.

The Grandson has to come to me for Advice and level with me about what's going on, coz I'm his Caregiver and his Matriarch of the Family as well.  So we can't have Secrets, I've told him we're only ever as Sick as our Secrets.  So, he tells me everything cautiously, sometimes reluctantly when he just can't Cope anymore, even if he knows I've already got too much going on... and it HAS to be that way.  I Need to know when shit is going sideways.  And he's Fragile himself, and Stressed about his Grandpa right now, and both of his Parents {who are always gonna be a Hot Mess}, and his own Situation, and, me being overly Stressed Out already.  But, I told him, Together we can get thru anything and everything, so never try to carry any of that Alone. 

He wants to be Over that whole Chapter of Life, be Divorced, Move On, Wish his Ex Well and focus on his own Issues exclusively.  He's seeing someone he likes, tho' they did cancel the Trip to Tucson, to see that Guy's Family which, was probably a good Idea.  Last time that Guy had seen his Family he was Married to a Woman... so, it would be a lot to Process for his People bringing a Trans Hispanic Man Home to meet them as his new 'whatever' he came up with.  *LOL*  Anyway, The Young Prince doesn't feel Strong or Secure enuf to take on someone else's Baggage, and, Honestly, he's not, Intellectually he knows he's not capable.  He tries every day to not wanna harm himself, so he really can't shore someone else up whose feeling that despondent that they think being Dead is an easier Solution to their Life and threatening Self Harm.

He thinks Allen is Hopeless and could do it.  So, he tried calling Allen's Parents, they don't wanna know... and his Grandparents are in Panama right now.  They really Raised Allen and are closer to him.  So, I do Wish there was some way to contact them and let them know their Grandson is in Crisis and they should have some Intervention for his Safety and Well Being.  Otherwise, I don't know what to do either.   He's in New Mexico, I'd rather he NOT show up in Arizona in that fragile unstable condition coz I don't know what he's capable of or where his Mind is going in those Dark Places.  That can be extremely a volatile Space to Hold for anyone, anything can happen.

 He's not my Child, I wouldn't even know how to do a Welfare Check ordered on someone who is in a whole other State?  We can't take on more people's Crisis, we got enuf on our own Dance Card to Manage and Wor5ry about.   My Priority is the Safety and Well Being of my Grandson and getting him out of a Toxic and Unsafe Relationship was absolutely necessary.  But I do know Gay Young Folks have a much higher Rate of Suicide or Self Harm than any other demographic so I am concerned Allen will be okay.  I wouldn't want anything to happen to him in a Moment of despair and feeling Hopeless, or trapped in a Situation he isn't Coping with.  He's mostly been a Closeted Gay, which, in many ways I think is much harder.  I wouldn't know, coz I'm not Gay, but I'd think not being your Authentic Self for anyone, is Tormenting and Unhealthy.

We got our Grandson calmed down about it, he didn't know how to handle it and I am glad he told us about it so that as a Family we know any Red Flag going on with his Soon-to-be-Ex.  Even The Man got involved and told him, as a Family, we get thru anything Together. The Grandsons have been separated for some time now and he's tried staying civil and grounded in what he's requesting from Allen, so they can just move thru a Divorce as Peacefully and amicably as possible.  But, Allen's Mental State and Emotional State has been volatile and I'm sure it has been for some time now.  It's not improving and I don't know if he's off his Meds?  It was costing him $300 a Month for them so perhaps he's struggled to afford them, or quit taking them, I dunno?  The Young Prince ran out of his and has no Insurance now and no Money.  So he's a complete Head Case due to no Meds.

 

And when someone isn't Well and cannot afford their Medications, things can deteriorate rapidly, whether it's a Health Issue or a Mental Health Issue you require them for.  Our Healthcare System is in shambles, worse in some States than in others.  Many have lost their Insurance or have delays in Qualifying for Affordable Healthcare or Medicaid, due to the Cuts being made by this Regime to vital Programs that provide Care.  Nothing is being fixed to improve any of it or replacing what they're doing away with.  And Neglect of serious Healthcare or Mental Healthcare Needs only costs Society more in the long run, Pay now or Pay MORE later.  Things that could have been Managed, Mitigated, Prevented and perhaps not worsen, now spiral downwards.

We had Amber over for Dinner tonight.  She's bringing her new Grandson's Gifts over to The Daughter to Deliver next door becoz they're still not allowing her access to her Grandchild.  The reason is she is firm about the Baby and her Daughter receiving Care properly and being treated Right by TJ and he's not up to the job of providing for either of them.  There is DV going on, and so Amber and TJ have had conflicts over it.   Her Daughter, unfortunately, is like a lot of abused Spouses and isolating from those who would help her most and only have her best interests and her newborn Infant's interests at Heart.  

 

Amber also isn't getting along with TJ's Elderly Parents, coz they are enabling their Son's behaviors and there's a lot of codependency issues, since, at their advanced Age they need help and are very vulnerable Adults.  They're in their 80's and he's totally dependent upon them even tho' he's over 65!!!  The other Son whose in his 60's also lives there, but Rob at least takes care of the property for the Parents.   I think TJ has been a fuck up a long time, it's why Two or more other Wives left him.  Including Anna, who was only in her late 30's and Married to him when we met the Family.  So he was twice her Age, but this New Wife, Amber's Daughter, is only in her 20's.  So, it's a lot of complex Dynamics and makes Amber Heartsick.  Adults making Bad Decisions causes a lot of collateral Family damage and Stressors.

But enuf of the Gloomy Heavy shit.  Now for some Fluff of Life.  I thought of my Blog Friend Jean of MISADVENTURES OF WIDOWHOOD Blog when I saw this Creation from TEXAS TRASH JEWELRY!  It would have looked even better with Vintage Mah Jong Tiles but they may be hard to attach in the way this Artisan does it.  You'd have to Glue a Finding onto a Tile to use it like this as a Necklace Charm, but, it would look Awesome.  I have a Vintage Mah Jong Tile Bracelet, so I know you can make them into awesome Jewelry.  Mah Jong Tiles are quite Artful and Beautiful, I have a Collection of Antique and Vintage Tiles, tho' I don't Play the Game and wouldn't know how to.  I'm not a Game Person.

Tho' I'm working Tomorrow Night I don't think I accepted more Shifts beyond that for now, to fill in for regulars who aren't showing up???   I try not to commit to too many so turn down more than I accept.  Mostly due to the regulars now are a motley crew of folks that sometimes are just too much of a problem to want to have to work with.  I don't mind the Work, but I don't like to have to Deal with problem Co-Workers.  We aren't really getting any problem Customers lately, so the Shoppers haven't been the source of problems or why Management can't fill Shifts.  And I try to just come in and do a good job and not get sucked into anyone being Drama and a Headache, or any of the Politics or Posturing going on with Problem People or between them, but, it exists.  Lord have Mercy does it Exist!  *Eye Roll*

 

Some of them seem to thrive on their Drama!  Back in the day when we had a lot of Co-Workers up to the job and everyone got along and played well with one another, you'd be Working alongside folks you considered Friends and enjoyed working a Shift with.  Those days are pretty much over unless you Luck Out and the Shift you're filling in for has some of your Friends on it who are still conscientious about what we're doing there and are easy going folks not prone to Drama or being Assholes.  They do what's expected of us and, aren't a Pain in the Ass or source of contention and strife.  Part of the Problem IMO is that a lot of the Unpaid Staff who are Vendors just being Comped Space Rent, are Geriatric and too Old.  So some are just too damned Old to still try to be Working and behave with Age Related impairments and inability to Mood Regulate or are too decrepit and Cranky to do the Work .

None really HAVE to Work, but they choose to.  If they're Upside Down there and feel they HAVE to Work, it's Month to Month Rent with no Lease, just call it a day then.  It's Fine if they're just Vendors and aren't pulling Shifts, coz any Vendors who don't Behave well, you don't ever have to interact with unless you choose to.   I often don't choose to, I'm pleasant with everyone and close to few of them.  I don't have a whole lot of Geriatric Friends and I also don't choose to Socialize a lot.  We spend most of our time with Family and with the Friends of our Kids and Grandkids, who are all Young or Middle Aged Adults and it's a different and more Positive Dynamic than Dealing with a lot of Old fussy Folks.  I'm Old myself... but I try not to get so Old that I forget what it was like to be Young.  I like Young People, I actually get along with them better, as a Collective and Enjoy their Company.

And what's Ass Backwards is that as a Young Person, I was that Youngster who had mostly Old Friends who were my Grandparent's Ages.  They Mentored me and I Learned a lot from them, but they weren't the type of Old Folks who were difficult to be around either.  They were vibrant Old People with a Mindset I now have as an Old Person.  They enjoyed Young People, Invested in us with their Time and Talents, and had Youthful Spirits.  So you never thought of them as Geriatrics or the Negative aspects of a lot of the Elderly.  Yes, there's still lots of Old Folks still like that and when I meet those Peers, we become Friends easily.  But the Old Biddies and Old Bastards out there, who are embittered, mean Spirited, and difficult to get along with, or incessantly Complaining and are Negative and throw off that Bad Energy, No Thanks.  A Hard Pass.

I won't be Mean to someone in obvious cognitive decline or serious Malcontent about Life, I Pity them, and also coz I could end up like that too one day, Heaven Forbid, and I'd want some Grace extended towards me too.   But, it can be very hard to have functional or healthy Relationships with folks who really are or have become Unlovely in their Old Age and project that upon everyone around them.   We do have more than a few of those who are Working Shifts and I may try and even succeed to get along with them most of the time on a personal level with limited exposure to them.  But, I just don't wanna Work with them.  *Ha ha ha*  I tell Management that, they know the ones that just aren't worth the hassle of accepting any Shift with.  Don't Pair me with them or you do Risk a "Situation".  *LOL*

Some of them will intentionally pick Fights with or try to Lord Over others Working with them.  Especially if the Co-Workers are Younger, they are very Disrespectful to the Younger Adults and condescending.  And they sometimes try it with me too, and I pretty much have a Zero Tolerance Policy for putting up with Disrespect, condescension or you picking a Fight with me for no reason to.  I've never started a Fight with anyone in my whole Life, I'm easy going to a Fault and avoid Conflict.  I rather get along and play well with others and choose my battles wisely.  I'll attempt a de-escalation and Diplomacy, before I go Ham on some Fool and unleash Dark Dawn to Handle them.   But I sure as Hell have ended many Fights someone started with a flourish if someone is Fool enuf and initiates a Fight with me.  *Winks*

Last Shift I Worked was Drama with 'The General', Old Sue, as she was picking Fights with everyone that Night.  Sue was on a Roll of being difficult and a Bully.  Mostly with Eve, our Young Co-Worker whose a very Sweet Young Woman and Young Mother, Sue doesn't Like her and Sue can be somewhat Racist, she's an 80+ Year Old White Woman, Eve is Half Black, Half White.  But, Eve didn't want to react in Kind to someone Old enuf to be her Great-Granny.  So Eve kept coming to me and saying a little bit of Sue was going a long way... and... it was... I'd about had my Fill as well.    But it was getting to her, she told me it was, and when Sue decided to come for me next, well, I'd had enuf of it all.

  Dark Dawn confronted "The General" and that she was risking a "General Custer Moment".  *Smiles*  I made it Clear where the Bull sits and to Knock it the fuck Off already!  I was blunt about it, Sue didn't dare Challenge me.  She's known me a long time, she usually gets along with me,  she knows I'm a Half-breed Indian and she has inferred she thinks most Natives are rather still Savages.  *Bwahahahaha... Okay then, Dare to bring that out in me, make my Day!  Winks*  We still had a couple Hours more to go and I wasn't having it anymore and Sue found that out the hard way.  So she was behaving for the rest of the Shift then.  *Winks*

 Eve Thanked me, the Paid Young Staff all Thanked me too.  None of them wants to Handle Sue and at their tender Young Ages, it's probably Best they don't try to coz she'd Escalate I think.  And the last Two Hours were Zen coz Sue can Calm Down and be a Nice Old Lady too, if you go for her Jugular when she takes it too far with picking Fights she can't Win.  But few will challenge her, coz she's in her 80's, and so mostly she gets away with being an Old Bully and quite Rude, inappropriate and Ratchet.  Kinda just like this President, where anyone COULD Handle him, they just don't, and so... here the Country now is becoz of how he is and that none seem able to Deal with him... or do the Right thing by everyone else in the Country.  I'd have his Tiny Balls as a Trophy, mebbe hang 'em on my Rearview Mirror of the Truck?  *LMAOROTF*

 

Princess T knows who Miss Sue is, she's Grown Up around Miss Sue and tho' Sue is Wonderful with Children, she really is... once they turn into Young Adults, she just seems to despise them and pick Fights with them.  Or be bitter of their Youth and super Critical of them, I don't know exactly what her Trigger is with Young Adults or Middle Aged Adults especially?  She never has done it with either of my Grandkids tho', and they Like Miss Sue, but they know how she is too.  So, when I came Home and told them I'd had a rough Night pulling a Shift with Miss Sue... and we had us a "Situation" by halfway thru the Night, coz she picked a Fight with all of us, until I Ended it, they knew exactly what I meant.  *LOL*  Princess T had this Look when I was spilling the Tea about how THAT went.  The Young Prince and her knew what the Outcome would be once I'd had enough of the Nonsense too.  *Winks*

 

So, you put your War Paint on Gramma and went on the Warpath, didn't ya?  Yes, Yes I'm afraid I did and had to.   Miss Sue just took it too far. All the Young People working that Night applauded and Thanked me in fact.  *Smiles and Winks*  They know how I am too, so they knew once someone Tests my limits of being Pleasant, even if I happen to Like them otherwise, it will be Dinner and a Show now.  Let the Games begin.  I waited until no Customers were present, coz I can keep it Professional at all times and not do a Take Down publicly in front of a whole Audience.  But, you will be Taken Down if you start something with me coz I'm just not in the Mood EVER to put up with that shit at Work... or even Recreationally in Public... or at Home for that matter.  You Start it, I will End it, Trust and Believe.

But who ever wants to have to do that?  It's unpleasant and mostly it's also unnecessary.  But if you allow a Bully, of any Age, to abuse everyone, intimidate people, be Mean and misbehave, they won't stop until someone stands up to them and puts a stop to it.  That's just how it is.  They have to be Dealt with.  And it usually won't Change them, but they'll know for damned sure who and where it won't Fly anymore to Act like that.  They know who to mess with and who it won't be Wise to... lest they Forget and you Remind them.  *Winks*  But, why oh why do some folks always wanna be confrontational, Hateful, or Unkind and Insensitive, I don't understand how you get to Be that way all the damned time?  What kind of Internal Mess and Tortured Soul are you to end up that way?

And so I'd rather not work Shifts, even as a fill-in, when I know far too many of the Co-Worker Regulars of that Shift are Unlovely or the Slackers.  Coz I just don't wanna be bothered or tolerate their bullshit.  I don't have to.  I'd rather Walk Off the Shift and leave them hanging, if they can't pull it together that Night.  My attitude is Fuck 'em, Work twice as hard now, I don't Care, Peace Out.  I pull a Millennial Move of, "Yeah, NO!"  *Winks*  Faced with that Threat they usually pull it together and Cool their Jets or start doing the Job at Hand, lest they end up doing it all when I stick 'em with my Work as I Exit, Stage Left.  Bye Felicia.  *Ha ha ha*  Listen, I don't HAVE to be there, I don't tolerate anyone's Nonsense, we're all Adults, so just Act like it.

Since The Man has Cognitive Decline he pulls that crap all the time now and you have to be firm with them, you just have to.  Or the Situation spirals out of Control and you have no Control of the Situation then when they're allowed to get away with it.  Once you've lost Control, it never gets better... and I'm a self-professed Control Freak who likes Calm, Order, Peace, and Positive Vibes between everyone.  It's not so fucking Hard, but, some struggle with it for whatever their reasons or impairments are and it makes it hard on anyone else.  It can make it miserable and who Needs that shit?  I sure don't.  And I won't have it, it disturbs and disrupts my Calm.  *Winks*

Wendell just left, it was his last PT Session Approved and he knows the VA is Contracting with another Agency than his.  He couldn't even do any PT coz The Man's BP had Tanked again badly.   We just had to focus on hydrating him quickly so we didn't need to whisk him off to the ER again.  All they will do is Hydrate him by IV Fluids and we'd spend 8 Hours or more there, which then Wrecks me, and they only then just send him back Home.  I can hydrate his Ass here with Waters and a Straw.  It doesn't push it into him as quickly as an IV sometimes, coz  he HATES drinking Water.  But, I temper it with some Cherry Ginger Ale and a V8 as a 'Rewards' if he drinks an 8 oz. Water for me.  And, taking 20 Minutes to sip 8 oz. or more of Water, is easier than 8 Hours in an Emergency Room exposed to all kinds of Sick folk and an Hour of IV Fluid intake for the same results.

  

So we used up the last of the PT provided by HUMANA not doing any actual Physical Therapy, out of the Three Sessions allowed, he was only up to doing PT for the first One, the last Two were a Bust.   Whaddya gonna do, on any given Day his Blood Pressure can be all over the Map now.   Low... Perfect... High... any combo of any of the Three from Hour to Hour... it's like betting in Vegas on what it will be?  We just can't know or Predict, it's a total Crap Shoot.  *Le Sigh*  He's had all his Meds, the ones "As Needed" we do as Needed.  I got him to eat some Oatmeal in his favorite Flavor, I had found some Weird Carrot Cake Flavor of Instant Oatmeal and he just Loves it.  It's got Whole Grains in it too so, it is substantial enuf to give him Energy and he will eat all of it, which, makes Mealtime easier than Hours of him just playing with his Food.  Making a mess of it and then we have to just throw it away. 

I do Need me some Miracles right about now.   I really also liked the Above Creation, it was one of my Favs of the new Collection I saw had been made by that Artisan.  I put her Link up again so you can visit and see more if you're so inclined.  It's good Eye Candy and quite different... I'd wear it, but I know it's not for everyone when something is quite 'Much'.  *LOL and Winks*  I got Adult Kiddos complaining about Trifles Today, they do that under Stress, Fixating on Bitching about the Small Stuff and blowing it way out of proportion.  They were at each other's Throats about who was inconsiderate and Ate too big a portion of the Food, EOM some stuff runs out and nobody is Qualifying for Nutritional Assistance, so when it's Out, there is none of whatever ran out.

I must say anyone in their 20's tends to be in their own Bubble enuf that when a Meal is Cooked, even if there's 7 people it needs to Feed, like last Night, they're not doing the Portions Math in their Head when they get theirs first and leave Not Enough so that everyone would get some!  So, we had Amber over for Dinner coz she'd brought some Groceries with her, as is her Habit, and the Adult Kids made Burritos for all 7 of us.  Well, The Young Prince got his first and took about 1/3 of it for his Burrito... so all Hell then broke loose!   Greedy Motherfucker, his Uncle went off the Deep End with calling his Nephew that.  Which went into Autistic Meltdown with No Filter.  I wasn't that hungry and neither was The Man coz it was Ozempic Day.  Total Appetite Killer.

So, we said, we don't even Need a big Burrito, just make us each a tiny one.  Princess T said the same, she's not a Big Eater.  Amber was saying she'd be Okay NOT eating, so I said No, it's all quite Dramatic, there's enuf to go round, the Guys are being contentious.   I just put some Seasoned Potatoes that I'd brought Home from "First Watch" Breakfast that Morning and hadn't Eaten in with the Burrito contents left and it stretched it to where everyone got a fucking Burrito and it wasn't the End of the Goddamned World as we knew it.  *Eye Roll*  Then I talked with The Young Prince AGAIN about looking around at how many People each Meal has to Feed and don't Bogart it so that he stirs up a Hornet's Nest and sends the other Mental Ones off the Deep End about his Gluttony.  *Another Eye Roll*

Thing is, he has an Eating Disorder, he's always had one, he either can't Eat coz he has Paranoia about his Food being Tainted or that it's Moving.  Or, he overeats and has no Mental Stomach to Brain cut off.   Plus he uses Medicinal MJ to Control his Schizophrenia since he has no more Rx Med Coverage to get his Mental Health Meds.  So, some of his Friends Donate to the Cause and buy him what he'll Need of Medicinal MJ in a Vape Pen now so he's not Bat Shit Crazy all of the time, it Helps, but it does give him the Munchies.   His Uncle knows this Fact, but still, when his Nephew eats all of something or isn't considerate, he loses his shit about it.

Then there was Meltdowns about Who had all the Cereal Bowls {pretty sure we all know Who}... and who took all the Salt Shakers... and, where's the "White Handle" Manual Can Opener, coz none of them can figure out how to use an Electric New One I got.   Yeah, Fun Times.  In the Meantime Dad/Grandpa is sometimes yelling out "Help" randomly and we gotta try to figure out if he's in some kind of Crisis, or just in a Dementia Addled State of confusion?  Quite the Human Sideshow around here these days... pretty hard not to have your Calm Disturbed and Disrupted... or, reduce your Stress Levels as the Doctor Ordered.  Okay Doc, I put in an "Order" for that.... it hasn't arrived yet... *Winks*  Guess it'll happen about when Gas Prices come back down, we have Sane Leadership again, and the Economy improves... I dunno?

******* 

Calmly chanting Ohm right now... winks... Dawn... The Bohemian

More Month Than Money

Usually I do some Environmental Cleanup on a Tuesday Morning coz I'm dropping the Grandchild off at her Work at 6:00 a.m., but DAMN it was Cold this Morning!  Now, this is Arizona, in the Spring, it's never this Cold by the end of April!   A few Weeks ago it was unseasonably extra Hot and hitting 109 already and breaking Heat Records.  Now it's Colder than a Witch's Tit some days, WTF?!   So, no, I didn't go do it, I went back Home and hunkered down where it's Cozy Warm at my Computer Desk to Blog instead.  *Winks*

Rusty took Princess T to do a Photo Shoot with her New Car, she was very risque' and said it was her Bad Girl Outfit.  She didn't want me to Blog with it, but you know I was gonna, Right?!  *Winks*  I mean, she looks Adorbs even in a Mister Fredericks Of Hollywood kinda way, and I know she's a Good Girl who can just Rock a slutty outfit too.  *LOL*  So I joked when they got back, coz it had been after Dark when they did it and I asked her if this was for Rusty and she was draped all over her Sexy Car for the Photo Shoot?  *Bwahahaha*  She claims she'll Share the Pixs with me, so I can see them, we'll see... *Smiles* 

She did keep her Jacket on for my Pixs so they'd be more Modest.  *LOL*  But, she did let me take some and then critique them for Approval.  *Ha ha ha*  These few made the Grade.  And then Below them, some more Old Glamour Shots of The Daughter and I we had done when she was about 12.  I liked how they turned out but I'd never had Hairspray in my Hair before and HATED it, and they do put more Makeup on you than an Old Hippie is comfortable with wearing.  Plus, my Makeup Girl couldn't seem to understand why the Facial Makeup she used for White Clients didn't match my complexion at ALL.   So she made me look White and The Daughter thought I looked like a Ghost or Japanese Kabuki.  *Bwahahahahaha*  In retrospect, since I knew nothing about Makeup Foundation either back then, I'd of advised her to use Hispanic Skin Tone Foundation instead.

But the Glamour Shots of Yesteryear were Fun and The Daughter's Orthopedic Dental Surgeon who was doing her Braces for a Jaw Issue, had Paid for them.   I'd Paid Five Grand for her Braces, which, back then was a Mega Amount of Dental Expense, but it was during my First Corporate Life as an Executive Banker, so I had the Benjamins back then.  Even tho' Insurance refused to cover it even tho' it was a Medical Condition being corrected for her Health and so her Face wouldn't end up with a deformity, and not for Vanity reasons at all.  But you know how Insurances are, and back then I had an HMO thru CIGNA, which, could be good... or could Cheap Out... it was always a crap shoot what an HMO would cover.   But they were New back then in the early 1980's when they were formed, and so every Employer was touting them as the Next Best Thing in Healthcare.  Never had one since.  *LOL*

They didn't put much Makeup on her, since she was a Child, so she just required some Lip Gloss, Natural Color Eyeshadow and Mascara.  Kiddos have that flawless Skin going on so don't need any Foundation.  And she wouldn't Smile big coz the Braces weren't on yet, then she spent a lot of time not Smiling BECOZ of the Braces.  *LOL*  But, once they were off she had one of those Perfect Toothpaste Commercial Smiles.  So, I always felt the Investment was worth it.   See Below, her at about Age 15 with the Colgate Commercial Smile and perfect Teeth.  That's also about the Age she went completely Off Rails too.  And was well over 40 before she got Straight with being Clean.

 Of coarse she screwed it all up in Adulthood with Substance Abuse, which wreck your Teeth, Skin and Hair.   She regrets that now, but did get Clean eventually, but over 25 Years of Abuse took it's toll heavily.  But her being Clean for the first time in her Adult Life and sustaining it for several Years now has made me very Proud of her for finally doing it.  That's why we wanted that recent Boyfriend Gone, he was Using.  At least he hasn't been bothering her or us anymore, he got his Vehicle taken away for Wrecking it and I don't think he had it Registered and might have been driving it without a renewed License either.  He had a lot going on that he needed to get put Right.  And with having Stage 4 Cancer I think he just didn't expect to Survive so didn't do anything he was required to do or needed to get done anymore.

 

I'm going to be taking The Son to an Appointment Today that he doesn't know how it will go, so he's nervous about it.  Way back when he still had an operational Vehicle, he got a Ticket for Driving under the Influence.  He Paid all the Fines, took the Classes Twice they required.  He messed up with the First Set of Classes and so he had to take them again.  He had to pay for them again, but finished all the required Classes and was Square on all the Terms but One.  Well, they also required him to pay a Grand+ for an Interlock Ignition Device for a Year.  But, by then he didn't have an Operational Vehicle anymore so didn't get one.  He couldn't get a Mechanic to ever figure out what is wrong with the Malibu and wasted a lot of Money trying to fix it, insure it, register it, when it was never safe or reliable.  He'd gotten it Cheap and it was a POS.  He was getting Rides to Work and Back or taking the Bus.  You can't put one on a Vehicle you aren't Driving or don't have.

  

Anyway, for the whole Year he was required to have one, his Co-Workers or I were either taking him, or he was riding Public Transportation to and from Work, or anywhere else he had to go.  He didn't think it would be problematic.  Fast Forward to last November when his Employer Laid Everyone Off.  So, now he had no Income or Job either, definitely no Money to do Car Repairs or replace the Vehicle he still has which hasn't been Operational in so long now it's got Spiders building Webs on it.  *LOL*  He had Two Non-Operational Vehicles here, Sold one that was a Vintage Celica, for Parts, to a Salvage Yard, and will probably be Selling the Malibu to the same Salvage Yard too.  It would have Cost too much to get either of them roadworthy and reliable, and the Celica didn't have a Title.  So, anyway, since he'd Honored everything else he thought the Courts dropped it all, it's been a long time now.

 

But, he got a Letter from the Courts saying he has to go to Court, before a Judge, about why he didn't comply with the Interlock Ignition Device installment requirement of his Terms?  You not only pay for the Device but pay to get it Serviced regularly, a big expense and it has to be on a Working Vehicle.  It's all about the Money, he knows that, but he has no way to pay them that Grand Plus Extra now, his Fines had been extravagant and he Paid them in Full, the Classes had been expensive, he Paid for them Twice due to the them requiring a double take, to extort more Money.  He now Owes the IRS Sixteen Hundred due to that Scam of the ACA they're running on folks who can't afford Insurance, go to Marketplace to get an ACA Approved Coverage, then find out it's like a Loan and not a Subsidy at all, coz you gotta pay it back to the IRS at the end of the Year!!! 

 He didn't even use Sixteen Hundred worth of Medical, he'd of been better off Uninsured!!!  And has no way to pay the IRS or the Courts for their Interlock Ignition Device he can't put on anything he doesn't have and isn't even Driving anymore!!!!   So, anyway, the Court said they could make him spend Three Weeks in Jail now... whatever, he still has no Job and no Money... so, if it will Square him with them, just do it.  He doesn't wanna wait 'til he HAS a Job after all this time of trying to get Hired anywhere, and THEN lose the Job coz they make him do 3 Weeks of Jail Time for all this.  He's frustrated coz he said when you try to do Right, they Punish you unfairly anyway, and kick you when you're Down, in the meantime Billionaires and the President are committing all kinds of Fraud and the most Serious Crimes with Supreme Court sanctioned impunity!!! 

Anyway, I have to Drive him to the Courthouse or he couldn't even get there coz the Buses don't run as early or on that Route to get him there by the Time assigned to him.  He has no Money for an Uber, he's been Selling Plasma, that's how broke he's been since he hasn't even been getting Unemployment, his Employer screwed all the Employees they Laid Off out of their Unemployment by cutting their Hours first.  Then saying they didn't meet the Criteria anymore for Full Time Employment they'd Contractually Agreed to Work!!!  The only reason nobody contested the cut Hours was coz about a Month beforehand, the Company held a Meeting and said they'd have to Lay Off SOME Employees if ALL the Workers didn't Agree to taking Reduced Hours instead. 

 So, they all Agreed, so that none of their Co-Workers would be Laid Off during the Holidays.  Then, the Company just Laid Off anyone who have Five Years or more with the Company anyway just before Thanksgiving!!!   Some had worked there over 35 Years!!!   And all of them had accepted those Reduced Hours so that none of the Newbies, who typically get let go first, would have to be Laid Off and Unemployed right at the Holidays.  It was a shitty thing to do but I felt like the Owner, who was recently Widowed when her Husband unexpectedly dropped Dead, was Selling the Company to an Asset Stripper Investor, and that's what they just do and everyone gets Screwed in the doing of it.  So, anyway, it's been a succession of Unfortunate Events beyond The Son's Control... Car Troubles, Job Troubles, Financial Troubles and now Legal Troubles. 

 

Back from Court, it went well, there was a Female Pro Tem Judge filling in and she was very Fair, is giving him 2 Weeks to provide some evidence of something else they need and re-schedule a Zoom Meeting before whatever Judge will be there then.  She felt it would have been punitive to Sentence him to 3 Weeks in Jail for not putting a Device on a Vehicle he doesn't have.   No way he's ever getting that Malibu running so he'll have to Sell it for Parts to a Salvage Yard and save up when he gets Employment to even get another Cheap Vehicle.  Then try to save up to pay off the IRS and this Interlock requirement if they continue to insist he must do that.  He'd rather they just put him in Jail for 3 Weeks now and be done with it all.  But sometimes they make people do the Jail Time and still do all the other shit anyway.  But, Today went well, he was 3rd on the Docket so we weren't there for Hours.

I took him out for Breakfast afterwards coz I was starving by then and taking all my Meds, especially the Ozempic Injection on Tuesdays, on an empty Stomach, makes you feel Sick.  And Nurse Remi is coming at 11:00 a.m. for The Man, and then some other PT Evaluation Person from the VA is coming at 12:30 a.m. to Evaluate him for more Physical Therapy, since HUMANA's Approved PT Visits were only Three and the VA can and will often provide more Services to their Disabled Veterans.  I have yet to hear from the Hospital about the Cardiac PT he'll do there on the 5th Floor... probably delayed until either or both Insurances give Approval on that too?  It can all be quite confusing to keep straight in my Head which Services are being provided, Approved, and by Whom?  You have to fit all of it into an already over-scheduled Calendar as well, it's all very consuming of your Time and Energies.  He's not the only one here with Needs or Appointments that I'm Caregiver of.

I've got to see about picking and meeting a new Primary for myself since my Doc got Transferred to another Location, which is too far to go.  So, tho' I really Love my Doc, I can't commute that far to see her.  So, have to be Assigned someone else now.  *Le Sigh*   LATER: Nurse Remi just left, his BP and Oxygen Saturation were both excellent, but he's Weaker and not feeling Well at all.  So, she's still very concerned about him.  Clinically he appears doing better but clearly Physically and Emotionally he is NOT at all.  So, it's a dilemma, we don't wanna expose him to ER's and Hospitals too much coz lots of serious Contagions are going around again, including COVID, and he's got a compromised Immune System and Medical Fragility as it is.  So do I with my comorbidities, so, can't Risk that exposure unless absolutely necessary.

We will have the PT Evaluation Guy from the VA coming at 12:30 to determine Qualifying for Expanded Services provided by the VA rather than our other Two Insurances.   Both HUMANA and TriCare provide some, what they won't provide the VA might provide and Authorize.  Good thing he has all Three.  But he Served 39 Years for EARNED Benefits and so he deserves decent Healthcare Services.  I'm just very worried about him now, he's getting weaker and weaker, we Need to be able to keep him at Home coz there's no Placement that will take him, they wouldn't before either after his TBI.  Now he's got Dementia too, along with everything else he already had, they for damned sure won't wanna take him now.   And, even IF they did, it's not Affordable and would leave the rest of the Family absolutely destitute just to ensure he got Long Term Care we couldn't afford.  I don't Need Five other folks, including myself, destitute. 

 

And my Docs are saying, reduce your Stress.  *Bwahahahahaha*  Yeah, Right.  *Rolls Eyes Dramatically*  Nurse Remi did Share that she has a Schizophrenic Nephew and has had similar experiences with the abuses my Two Schizophrenic Family Members have been thru.  The Daughter and her Son both have had identical traumatic experiences due to their Illness that her Nephew and their extended Family have endured at the Hands of a System that doesn't handle such things appropriate, compassionately, or well.   So, she has a Point of Reference and she said nobody wants to Talk of these things, becoz nobody Cares.  So what the Families go thru never improves or changes.   You become very Cynical and disgusted with the lack of Humanity extended.  We treat Animals better.   Rant now over.  *Winks*

Anyway, other than all that everything is Swell.  *Bwahahahaha*  I don't know that when Wendell comes Tomorrow for his last Authorized Visit, The Man will be up to any Exercises whatsoever still?  He's too Weak, too unstable right now, so Physical Therapy is not happening and of coarse that leads to more Physical deterioration.   So, it's all rather a doubled edged Sword to navigate thru effectively.   Plus, he's getting to where he feels so Unwell that he's resistant to doing any of it too now.  It is scaring me coz we have to keep him Well enuf to remain here at Home and be able to meet him at his Point of Need ourselves.  I don't know how much longer we can, Realistically?  So that lack of feeling any Security about it Stresses all of us out.  

I think I already might have told you that the Older Lady, the Mother of one of The Daughter's Friends, who they had worked so hard recently to set up in a Home Hospice, well, just a few Days after they went thru all the Work and Expense to do it, she Died.   The Daughter felt it was perhaps Merciful Timing since the Mom was in a Bad way and had told The Daughter, I just want them to Let Me Go.  She was ready, she'd made Peace with transitioning into the Afterlife.  And, there's a part of me that Senses that The Man is almost to that place himself actually.  I don't wanna say it out loud, but I'm Sensing it strongly, just like I did with my own Dad.  When Dad was ready and willing to Go, he just Went.  Just like that.  

 Mom fought The Grim Reaper with all she had in her, so she lingered a very long time and her Care became astronomical in Cost.  Over Eleven Grand a Month and that was Years ago.  She had no Estate or Resources, so became a Ward Of The State of California to obtain her level of Care.  My Brother's influential and Celebrity Friends were the ones who got her into the Best Care Facility we couldn't afford and CalCare covered, including her Hospice later on.   But I've just got the VA for The Man and it was $200 a Day for the Old Soldier's Home over Fifteen Years ago and they wouldn't take him then.  Said he was too High Maintenance and they didn't have enuf Staffing for his level of Care needed.  I had no fucking Staff, but they dumped him on me anyway, I had Two very Young Special Needs Grandkids to Care for at the time as well, it was a LOT.  It's a LOT now too, but... it's the Hand Dealt, so you Play it.

I'm trying not to Drop Dead from the Stress or Strain of it nor go Off Rails again and have Caregiver Burnout again and end up back in a Psyche Lockdown for a lil Vacay.  Coz that was an involuntary "Adventure" I'll never Forget.   Nor will anyone involved.  *Winks*  Anyway, having my Nice Breakfast with The Son, after his Court and before Nurse Remi and the other PT Guy comes was Stress Reducing.  I didn't have quite the Hood Hookup of Fruit as the Take-Out Day when I got it for The Man and I.  *Winks*  But, it was Lovely and The Son said he Loves that place, he'd never been before I have taken him a couple times.

Their Specialty Iced Coffee is to Die For... my Favorite anywhere.  I brought some of mine Home, coz Today was Ozempic injection Day and it suppresses Appetite a LOT.  So, you don't usually even Feel Hungry, and even IF you do, when you start Eating you Feel Full instantly, but know you must Eat... and so I did the best I could with it.  All delicious, all Editorial Looking too, as you can clearly see.  I'll just have to finish the Seasoned Potatoes later on.  Their Million Dollar Bacon is SO good and just a slight Upgrade you can make for $1.99 more, well worth the Upgrade IMO... it has Hot Honey and Seasoning, OMG... it's a Sweet, Salty, Spicy Flavor Profile of Candied Bacon.  They coat Thick Cut Bacon in a Glaze of Brown Sugar, Maple Syrup, and Spices like Black Pepper and Cayenne Pepper, then Bake 'til Caramelized and crispy... making it both Sweet & Savory.  It's very much like the Bacon But Different that my other fav Brunch Restaurant "Snooze" offers, they add Red Pepper Flakes to theirs and is slightly better IMO.

It's the EOM, with more Month than Money, but I SOOOOO Needed me some Comfort Food and someone preparing it FOR me, Okay.  *Winks*  The Recycling covers most of that kind of thing when I'm a Broke Bitch otherwise and there's more Month than Money.  Today we had a Nurse {Remi}, a PT {John}, and the New PT Evaluation Guy, a pleasant Young Black Male Nurse originally from Tennessee, who'd introduced himself to The Man and The Daughter but I didn't catch the Name of and forgot to ask.  He's putting in a request for Authorization for Two Visits a Week and then see if we can work up to Three as The Man regains {hopefully} some Strength and Stamina to retain Mobility and ability to remain in the Home rather than an Inpatient Facility for Rehab.  He was pleased we've managed to do it Outpatient and at Home for so long by ourselves mostly.  He commended me on managing that, coz it's Rare I guess.

He was telling me a lot of Families don't want to put in the Work at Home to Rehabilitate their Loved One or have the means to pass that off onto an Inpatient Facility and do, for convenience and Skilled Care instead.  I told him nobody would accept Placement of The Man coz he's an Escape Risk.  His PTSD kicks in and if he thinks he's being held Prisoner, he Escapes, and that's a liability and risk to the Facilities and he's managed to Escape every single one he's ever been in.  Plus, we strongly Feel that nobody is as Invested in a Loved One as their own Family, so generally they do better with the Loving Care of Loved Ones they know and Trust, who are Invested in them more than any Stranger could or would be.  He agreed.  So when he asked what our "Goals" are, I told him simply to get him to where he can remain in the Home under our Care and Familiar Surroundings to him where he Feels Safe and not feeling he's a POW.

 *******

Taking it One Day at a time... Dawn... The Bohemian