Up the Mountainside Hiking Trail that faces the raging and now Flooding Gila River, someone had hiked way up there and constructed an elaborate and Beautiful Altar facing the River. River Altars are commonplace, several Cultures and Faiths do them, I have Created them myself. Thankfully most people are Respectful of them and leave them unmolested and just pay Homage to what they Represent. Or find them fascinating and interesting enough to visit regardless of their own Belief Systems.
Needless to say all his Invitations with his Friends Locally and his side of the Family Dried Up quite some time ago after his TBI. But, The Son and his Friends truly want to take him out to have a Guy's Day Out and enjoy himself, but, he's not been receptive at all. So, The Son happened to say out loud, in front of his Sister, "I don't even know why I try anymore? Clearly he doesn't want to spend Time with us, even tho' he really likes and gets along with Quinardo." Well, she trots into The RV Garage Mahal where I was busy Working, all up in Righteous Indignation that Dad was being Unlovely and it had really hurt her Brother and Q's Feelings how he'd reacted to a Sincere Invitation to go Fishing with them all.
The Son had told her not to do it... "It's Okay, I've been Over It... Gypsy James, Brandon and Q are now Over It too, he'll never get to go Fishing and he'll have to Resign himself to that fact. And... besides, you'll just Trigger Mom... and... I don't want that." She decided it was worth Triggering Mom coz Dad was being an Asshole again... *Winks*... becoz, that's just how she and Princess T happen to Roll anytime Dad/Grandpa is being Unlovely and a total Jerk. They know that tho' he might risk being Ornery Old Man with any of them... should he feel Foolish enuf to risk doing that to me, all Hell breaks loose and he gets Dark Dawn who doesn't Play. {Above is me realizing I'm NOT getting around or over that Offending Boulder, just FEET away from the Waterfall!}
And so then there is an immediate Shift in The Disturbance of The Force and he better come back to Center STAT or consequences will be such that it will truly Suck to be him. *Smiles* Well, Listen, a vicious Maternal Instinct is something not to be trifled with, any Sane Man should know, Trust and Believe that, or, I pity the Fool! I don't Care how Old my Kiddos all get, anyone whose being Mean Spirited to any of them, for any fucking reason, is then going to be Dealing with me. And it will be a Version of me that is formidable, I don't even Like Myself when I get Triggered like that... since, I could become terribly Unstable and highly Unpredictable.
My Children, Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren are the most Precious Souls to me on this side of Time and Eternity. So, don't DARE mess with my Babies, or it's ON and I'm Coming for you with an intensity you can't even Imagine!!! Especially if they're just trying to do a Good Thing for you with the Best of Intentions, it's NOT Okay and never will be Okay. It's not as if in over 30+ Years he does not know this with every ounce of his Being, so, perhaps he has a Death Wish of Dying Horribly, I dunno? *Winks* You will KNOW that immediately and with complete Clarity... I don't Care how fucked up in the Head you are. I make it abundantly clear, don't ever be hurtful to my Kiddos, any of them. To be hurtful to them is to hurt and wound me deeply. I'd rather be hurt than see any Child of mine go thru anything with anyone.
I Love my Husband, but he knows the ONE THING to never, ever ever do, is be Mean Spirited or Hurtful to any Child and especially if they're MINE. If they're mine then you're Testing me to not go Mental on your Ass. It's a non-negotiable Taboo to be Mean to any Kiddo of mine and not have immediate repercussions you will regret having put into motion. He's a good Provider and willingly Raised Four Kids of Two Generations that he didn't Father biologically, I know he Loves them and would do anything for them. His inability to be close to Male Children I Believe is a Learned Behavior from his Lineage and Upbringing, I really do. The Machisimo Bullshit in his Family is bravado misdirected and projected inappropriately IMO. We've often had a Come To Jesus about it too... he now knows better so I expect him to DO better.
It does not make a Son or Grandson tougher or more of a Man to be a Hard Ass and an Asshole towards them. That's not my Opinion, I state that as a fucking FACT. Some of the Toughest Men I've ever known have been Kind and Harmonious with all People and all Ages. Some of the most deeply Wounded Men I know have dysfunctional relationships with their Fathers and/or Mothers. But I know some Families have different Childrearing Techniques I disapprove of, The Man knows I strongly disapprove of how he himself was Raised, and so I took the Lead in Raising all of ours. I refused to let them be Raised in a way I disapprove of in every way, The Man knew that before we got Married and had to Honor that Agreement that I'd Lead in Parenting in the way in which I was Raised and approve of.
He's always been great with the Female Kiddos, but as fucked up as his own Family dynamic was with his Dad, it's difficult for him to be in the same Spirit with Male Children, so he's kinda become his Dad, as much as he wanted NOT to. So, he's not close to Son or Grandson and that's the only reason why, they tried to be closer and that's all they can do. Now they rarely bother and it's his own Fault. The Young Prince is Kind and Tolerant to Grandpa, more out of Pity now for his Brain Damaged Condition, but, he has told me he doesn't expect or want any close Relationship whatsoever, he's Done trying to be Closer and I don't blame him. Out of Respect and Love for me, he comes over with Allen to visit. Allen gets along great with The Man, coz he was Raised similarly, has a lot of the same Interests and his estrangement with his own Stepdad runs deep. I don't think he knows his Biological Dad at all.
I do not agree with how The Man was Raised and he knows it, I think his Dad was an Asshole to his Sons and not much better with his Daughters or Wife, my Observation in the short time I knew my FIL. He Died about a Year after we were Married and I only met him once, he was Fine with me, since I established with his Family early on that I wasn't The One to get on the Bad Side of. I think Fair Warning is always a good Ground Rule to set early on so people aren't blindsided. I could see how the other DIL's acted and cowtowed, but, I wasn't Raised in that Culture of the Patriarchy, and I bow down to no Man. Period. If a Man wants to go to War with me and send me on the Warpath, he does so at his own peril. It's ill advised, I've been told I'm completely out of my Mind when Triggered... they could be Right, I won't Recall actually. *LOL*
My Dad Raised us totally differently and was strict, firm, but Fair and a very Loving Two Spirit Tribal Man. I think I got the best Dad in the whole wide World since he was in touch with both Gender Spirits and thus could relate to my Brother and I in ways I don't see many Men be able to. In his Culture, the Two Spirit Beings are an Elevated State of Being and Tribal Members not only Revere it and those Born like that, but they are embraced by Tribal Culture unconditionally. As it should be. I preferred my Parents take on Life and especially about Acceptance and Respect of all Sentient Beings, Parenting Lovingly and with Great Nurturing. Putting Family First while Protecting Loved Ones at all Cost. We would gladly Die for those we Love or have someone else Die horribly in defense of them, either way is Fine with me.
We were Raised in a Loving Home where Dad taught us to be Tough, but in a way that was always Humane first, Kind and Respectful to everyone always, exist in Harmony with Nature, and only go to War when someone else Initiates it and gives you no other Choice. Then take them out without Mercy and have them fight you all day long without ever seeing you. *Winks* It's only when Christian Missionaries entered the picture on Reservations that the Dogma of Religion tried to enforce Gender Roles and Sexual Oppression, you know, all that Bullshit that Western Colonialism Culture really seems to struggle with and be so Uptight about. As if it's the only way of Being.
Using their version of God as an excuse to be Oppressive, Cruel, have Extreme Prejudices about other Cultures and ways, while being Biased, domineering and intolerant as fuck. As if that is actually Godly... which, it's not and is a piss poor Witness of any attraction to their Brands of Religion IMO. I don't Worship any God that has no Fruits of the Spirit or Godliness evident in His People, mebbe they do, I do NOT. I can wear a string of Pearls but it doesn't make me a fucking Oyster, nor does calling myself one. So attendance of any Church you are Devoted to, is not so attractive to me as what you say and do in your Actions that Proves a Relationship with your Creator and should be abundantly Evident and Radiate outwards Naturally. {Above is Water running down the Stairs leading to the Waterfall and surrounding Pools cascading below it.}
Stepping down from my Pulpit now... winks... Yes, I have gotten into those kinds of Debates with the allegedly Godly and highly Religious Churchy Folk, they usually disengage quickly. Every Devil will Flee from The Truth when spoken boldly and can't be contradicted with made up Bullshit that can't stand up to Scrutiny and be Questioned... *Smiles* But, I digress... Yes, I was on the Warpath and he knew it when I confronted him about why he'd declined the Guy's generous Invitation to go Fishing? Especially after I've spent a considerable Fortune in Fishing Equipment he was never gonna get to use unless THEY take him, coz nobody else will or wants to?!
I then stormed out and off to Calm Down and get back to Center lest I begin breaking Fishing Poles, crushing Reels and stomping little Plastic Bobbers to smitherines in a Rage, Fly Tying Feathers and Tackle flying everywhere too. *LOL* Yep, that wouldda happened and I knew it, tho' it would have been highly Therapeutic for me, it would have concerned the Rest of 'em and been absolute carnage. *Winks* He also knew he'd taken it a Bridge too far coz he did all the Laundry while I was out and stayed out of Sight... {Above are some Native American Petroglyphs in the White Tanks, they are virtually everywhere and protected now with barriers to stay behind mostly, so people don't Graffiti and disrespect the sites with Brainless Vandalism.}
My Line of Sight he's stayed mostly out of 'til I have restored my Calm, since he knew he had a Target on his Back until I could be Nice again towards him. On the way to Work this Morning, The Son told me to just Forget about it, he was Sorry it's the way it is, but it just is and there's nothing anyone can really do about it, we can't have Relationships FOR him if he's alienating himself on Purpose. I told him to go Fishing and enjoy themselves this Weekend sans Dad. As well as cease and desist from any further Invitations to his Dad, it's pointless if he's just going to be ungrateful and difficult. He doesn't deserve or hasn't earned the Right to go and potentially ruin it for them if he did go either. I don't Care if he ever fucking goes Fishing now, I really don't, he's fucked himself, so be it... and Deal with it.
I know The Son is Right of coarse, but it's troubling, since I see a deterioration in Mind and Body of his Dad that is worsening and we can't run damage control behind and his Docs can't seem to slow down either. It's the Fear in Disguise kind of Anger you get when you know things will just worsen and you're all Powerless to do anything about it except have a dismal acceptance of how it just is and be unconditionally Loving, which is hard. Becoz, Honestly, sometimes I'm ready to NOT be Nice on Purpose myself in retaliation, which, as a Caregiver, is not appropriate at all, so I Resist the Temptation to prolong my Anger and frustration. I tell him that Civility is Mandatory, no Excuses... I don't Care how Far Gone he is, suck it up or risk being Institutionalized. {We can't afford that option, but the Threat of it Scares him.}
If nobody wants to be his Caregiver anymore, that's his only Option and he knows it. So, I do use it as Leverage so he'll Behave as much as he is able to. I don't want to have to throw in the Towel and Tap Out or go Long Term Care Bankrupt and lose everything in our Old Age. Each Day we start anew and usually it's better in the Mornings, before he deteriorates and becomes difficult. We Trade Off in the watching of him now since a little bit of him goes a long way. Usually tho', he Isolates, which is probably better and easier for him as well as for whoever it watching him. He's Peaceful and Happy when he's just left alone to his Routines and only coming along when he Imagines he's capable of getting along and playing well with others. *LOL*
Sometimes if it's just he and I, he can Maintain that Mode for most of the whole Day before he begins getting tired and Cranky, then his Ass is whisked Home. *Smiles* He'll ask me why we're going Home already and I tell him the Truth, that he's entering Old Bastard Territory and in order for me not to Snap and go Mental on his Ass, it's just best we call it a Day. He agrees, since, me going Postal is never Fun nor Wise as an Option. *Winks* Caregiver Diaries ongoing, we cross each Bridge as we come to it, some of the Waters of Caregiving are as turbulent as those raging Flood Waters, probably even more menacing actually, since, the Floods will End. And Nature will go back to Normal. {Above is an Ancient Hohokam Grinding Stone.}
*******
Blessings, Love, Light and Happy Spring... Dawn... The Bohemian