Not Feeling Feelings Works Better For Me... Regulate

 Today Nurse Remi is coming for The Man's Bi-Weekly, since he's not doing so well I don't know what she might suggest?  Pretty sure there's not a whole lot they can do now about his steady decline, but whatever we can still do to stall progression I will implement.  Overall he mostly has decent days and seems content, so, that's always paramount to me.  His Quality of Life being impacted is minimized as much as we can, so that it is maintained as Quality of Life.  Quantity doesn't matter as much to me as Quality of anything, including Life.  I choose Quality every time.

I had a bad Anxiety Attack last Night and couldn't Breathe thru it so had to stay up until I could Maintain my Calm again.  The Young Prince was still up and said it's coz I'm Practicing Feeling my Feelings, and that will cause heightened Anxieties and Panic Attacks.  So, I'm not sure I Like this Feeling of Feelings thing, even if it has an Upside of not Manifesting in my usual Coping Mechanisms that replace Feeling anything.  *Le Sigh*  I may abort this Feeling my Feelings nonsense then, cause the Panic or Anxiety Attacks are terrifying and render me unable to function, or even go to Sleep, it Feels like I'm fucking Dying!!!

So, after he told me that, I turned my Feelings OFF again and then I was just Fine and Functional again, whew!!!  Slept like a Baby.  Fuuuck, I'd rather indulge in my Muchness than go thru Attacks like that which will hit me like a ton of Bricks just randomly!  I couldn't even Imagine how I would have reacted in Public if one had hit, or while Driving!?!   So, fuck that, I'd rather just have the usual Non-Emotional Responses I've had all my Life, it's my 'Normal'.  I can get thru Life like that, don't know I could if I'm Panicking or having Anxiety all the damned time to that degree, it Feels like pending Death and a Goddamned Medical Emergency is happening!!!  And will upset everyone around me!

The Young Prince looked Alarmed but stayed Calm and Talked me thru it, coz he has them so he knows what they are.  Like me he tends to be Stoic and very Unemotional, but lately has been working thru his Emotions too rather than Suppressing them.  Well, it's been rendering him absolutely paralyzed with intense Negative Emotions and he can't function at all those days.  I don't have that Luxury, I'm taking Care of everyone and everything around here, so I can't be falling apart Emotionally all the fucking time.  I told him I'm switching Off again becoz I can, I know how to, it's easy for me to NOT FEEL anything regardless of what's happening.  Sidenote: Above is the last known picture of my Favorite Welsh Uncle, at Age 90, he was Powerfully built and strong right up to his Death.  Just look at the Arms on him, at Age 90!!!  I Adored him.  He took little sitting up Naps like this often, it was hilarious.

So now I do feel back to Center again, chucking that suggestion the Therapist on that 'Hoarders' Episode taught.  Sure, even tho' it does Work for pushing past Overwhelm Mode whilst Cleaning, Editing, Purging, Curating my Stuff, it's not Working for the more Important aspect of my Life.  Not Feeling Feelings just works better for me on The Daily and to get thru my Days such that they are, will be, and no amount of Therapist suggestions changes any of that.  How I FEEL about how things are doesn't actually alter HOW they just fucking ARE.  So, I don't find it particularly Helpful.   So, now I'm Good.  *Ha ha ha*

My Doc's Office were so quick to Substitute the Two Meds and send the new Med substitution to TriCare's Express Scripts to fill so I won't have any interruption in Medications effectiveness.  They did say since these are new to me, to still look to see how I tolerate them and if I have any Negative Side Effects from the switch.  So, within Hours they had it sorted out for me.  *Whew*  I'd gone out with The Young Prince to the Downtown SAVERS to see if that Asian Jade Necklace I forgot on Half Price Day was still there?  It was, and its Senior Discount Day, so tho' not half off, it was 30% Off and I was delighted I still was able to get it.  We spent too much while there since Tuesdays is when New Stock comes out, they don't re-stock anything on Half Price Day.

But we got some really Good Stuff and I let The Grandson pick out some items for himself too, so he was Jazzed and we always have a good time while Shopping together.  He's like Shopping with The Girls.  I did get a Tiki Vintage Cookie Jar made in Japan from about the 1950's Era, never seen one like it, should Sell easily and be great profit Margins.  It didn't have a Lid but I found a Lid that Works with it and when I did Google Lens, turns out it's an Ice Bucket and the Top it should have is not all that different than the Lid I married it with as a Cover.  It's a Metal Saucepan Lid but the right Color to match the Chalkware Ice Bucket that has an Ice Bucket Liner inside of it that is Waterproof.  I think a Tiki Enthusiast of Vintage Retro Tiki will like this even tho' it's not the original Lid.  The Metal Lid would still keep Ice very Cold inside of it, would make a Great Tiki Bar Addition.

My Mint has come up strong on it's 1st transplanted day, they recover quickly from being repotted.  The Rosemary never looked any the worse for being repotted at all, they're very hardy and do well in this Climate.  I haven't decided yet what I'll put in the other Pots I have, I need to check out "Lowe's" Plant Nursery near Work and might do that Tomorrow to see their Selection.   I'm thinking I might want to plant Chives in one to use on Baked Potatoes.  I like growing Herbs coz they serve more than just a cosmetic purpose in my Outdoor Plantings, I cook with them, make Teas out of them, love their Fragrance.  I even planted some Potatoes, coz the leaves are pretty and I had Two that had sprouted Eyes and we weren't gonna eat.

Sweet Potatoes have a nice Vine too.   But, I'm leaning towards Chives, I have some Seed and may just grow some from Seed in one of the Pots out Front.   I like the Flowers and we eat Chives a lot too.  LATER:  I took a Late Afternoon Nap and The Man came in and disturbed that.  Then when I finally gave up trying to Sleep at 11:00 p.m. and Blog, he wakes up and disturbs this too!!!  One of the biggest Challenges of Full Time Unpaid Caregiving is that its 24-6 and 365, unlike a Paid Caregiving Career where you'd get to go Home from it, have your own Time too, have Vacations, other Staff Members filling in for you, etcetera.  And those you're Caring for are often intrusive on your Quiet Time you try to eek out for yourself.  Sometimes if I ignore him long enuf he will give up and just leave me alone becoz he knows my Quietness means I'm getting just more annoyed.  The more Silent and Stoic I am, the likelihood you're really annoying me and Testing me.  *LOL and Winks*

He claims he 'Tried' to Sleep and can't.  Fact is, if I'm up he feels the Need to be up and disturbing my Peace, whether intentionally or not, the end result is the same, my Peace and Solitude Rare Moments are now disturbed and this so is my Calm.  *Le Sigh*  He will rustle around, sigh loudly, make his presence known in many annoying little ways instead of just fucking sitting Quietly if he insists on being in the same Room as me.  Sometimes I just have to sternly ask him, could you go to another Room and do all of that?!   I have Adult ADHD and losing Focus is a constant for me, especially if someone is being distracting or a nuisance when I'm trying to concentrate or relax and find a measure of Solitude and Peace in the usual Chaos that can be Life and Hand Dealt. 

 I Need some Quiet Time and have to remind him of this if we're to Maintain Dawn Of The Light being my Dominant Personality, and not Dark Dawn.  *Winks*  He is currently sitting directly behind me in his Media Chair rustling thru Cracker Boxes coz he knows he's not supposed to be Snacking on them at fucking Midnight!!!  He thinks I will stop Blogging and say something when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't, and Negative Attention with him now is just as sought after as Positive Attention.  But I'm ignoring him for now so as not to become just agitated about it.   I just Calmly said, "You shouldn't be eating Crackers this Late."  And kept on Blogging.  *Winks and Eye Roll*  It needn't have had to of been Said, you know, and his VA Nurse told me when she came, not to Focus so much on his Dementia, but on his Physical Health... and his Muscle Weakness... I shall TRY.  *Bwahahahaha*

Listen, the Medical Doctors and Nurses always tell me that Line, Focus on his Physical Health and not on the Dementia.  Do you know how HARD it is to NOT Focus upon and to try to Ignore the Dementia part in Reality?  It would be like telling me to NOT Focus upon the Serious Mental Illness of each Family Member, when Dealing with them as their Caregiver, just upon their Physical Health!!!   I understand as a Medical Doc or Nurse, your Career is based on the Physical Body and so that is the Main Focus of those Professionals and their Help offered to you.  I Get It.  To try to Ignore or NOT Focus upon my Spouse's fucking Dementia tho' is a Tall Order, Okay!  So, just some acknowledgement of that Reality would be kinda Nice for them to Understand how it impacts every aspect of Daily Living now for every single Member of this 3-Ring Circus we got going on here that I'm Ringmaster of the Shitshow of!!!  The Dementia behavior matters!!!

His Physical deterioration is a lot easier to Deal with than his Mental deterioration IMO.  Mebbe for some folks they could respectfully Agree to Disagree, but my Truth is, Dementia is really hard for me to Manage as Caregiver!!!   Physical Deterioration is hard and it is scary, I ain't gonna Lie, meeting anyone at their Point of Need when there is deterioration of the Mind or the Body is a tough row to hoe, either way.  But when both are happening, it's a double whammy.  I told her of the Fall, she feels his Leg and Lower Back Muscles are weakening and to inform his VA Doc and get in to see him sooner than we're currently Scheduled.  That may be easier said than done coz the VA is backlogged like a Motherfucker to get your Veteran in even Months in advance.  We'll Try.

He does see his Cardiologist sooner, but that Specialist won't be Helpful with Mobility Issues or be able to run the Tests that the VA Home Nurse suggested we request for him to have due to Muscle deterioration and Weakness.   She scolded him for not using his Canes, Walker, Medical Devices, due to his stubbornness and Pride.  She's very Firm and Motherly, Nurse Remi, so he got his current Favorite Cane and made a "Show" and Production of it all Day after she left, that won't Last, I KNOW him.  *Eye Roll and Winks while Sighing*   Nurse Remi made an intentional Show of Interest about all of his Canes telling how Special they all are, since, I took great Pains to Buy him the Showiest and most Special Looking ones in Hopes he might actually USE them when he gets loads of Interest and Compliments on them.   Nurse Remi understands my attempts at using Psychology for Compliance.  *Bwahahaha*

She made a really big Deal of his Wooden Cane with the Skull Carving, it is quite the Beautiful Work of Art and had Cost me a Pretty Penny.  So, that's the one he just 'happened' to choose of his Collection of them in the Umbrella Stand right by the Front Door.  You know, the Placement of which is convenient for grabbing one as he's coming in or going out the Door!  Usually to no avail!   I have Three fucking Walkers on the Front Porch too, all different Kinds, an All Terrain Tire heavy duty one I got the VA to give him, Sitting Ones, a Narrower one for easy navigation inside a Home and tighter Spaces.   I might as well light them on Fire!!! 

 When he knows he's got to go visit his Docs he made a Production of Using them for 'Show' and an Illusion they might Buy.   And he had The Daughter dirty up the Wheels so it looks like they're actually being used... coz she's Crazy enuf to do shit like that for her Dad to Cover for him avoiding usage.  *Eye Roll... I tell her, you're an Enabler, you are!!!  But, she IS a Daddy's Girl!   LOL*  Princess T, like me, is more Nurse Ratchet and so he Pouts a lot when either one of us is In Charge coz we won't let him Act the Fool and Misbehave.   Think of Jack Nicholson's Character Squaring Off with Nurse Ratchet in the Movie Cult Classic "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and our Home is often like the Residents of that Asylum where the Lunatics try to always be in Charge and would be Out Of Control whenever they get the Chance to be.  *Le Sigh and Shrugs*  Whaddya gonna do, Crazy Folk just Be acting Crazy and doing Crazy shit.

Yes, Dementia is like a Form of Crazy, I seen and experienced enuf Crazy to know Crazy Behavior and shit when I sees it!!!  *Winks*   When no Cures exist, you just gotta Roll with it and outmaneuver the Crazy and Finesse things as best you can to keep a semblance of Normalcy and Order around here.  It is rather like Organized Chaos.  And I Turn Off my Feelings and Emotions, coz then I can be Functional and not Emotional all the damned time about any or all of it.   So I'm pretty steady and even keel about just remaining Calm, Stoic and Carrying On, it's all that really Works on the Far Side of Crazy with any consistency and effectiveness.  Not much rattles me then coz I'm not Feeling any kind of way about any of it, just Dealing with all of it as it comes, to have the Desires Results that are Needed.  I'm very Solutions Oriented when there are Problems.   An Unsolved Problem isn't Useful or Helpful to me at all.  I will Fixate upon finding a Solution to my Problems.  *Ha ha ha*  And if you're not part of the Solution, you're part of the Problem.  *Winks*

Himself went back to Bed and is Blissfully Sleeping now so I can Finish Blogging until I can catch some Z's myself.  It only took 22 Minutes to prevail over his stubborn insistence of disturbing my Calm, I can Outlast him, usually.  *Bwahahahaha*  I'm tenacious and relentless like that about Outlasting all of them, I have remarkable Stamina and tenacity, it's my Super Power.  *Winks*  Just TRY to Outlast me, I fucking Double Dare ya!  I will rise to the Challenge, just to Win and declare the Victory, coz 2nd place is just the First Loser.   He gave up being annoying after about 22 Minutes and I can Last thru 22 Minutes of Annoying Husband without Snapping.  If I'm becoming too Close to The Edge, he knows I will give Fair Warning, you've Tested me to my Limits, don't push me coz I'm Close to The Edge... now, do you really want to Deal with Dark Dawn when I Snap and go Mental?  Usually the response is No, No we don't. 

I'll take everyone Over The Edge and down into The Abyss with me otherwise, when and once I have no more Fucks to Give.  Coz, the Cavalry ain't coming folks, so, you only have Me and there's no Replacement Volunteers upon the Horizon... you'd all be too Expensive and there's No Placement for even a One of ya!!!   You'd all be kicking Dog Turds down the Road and Sitting on a Park Bench in the Rain, so, Lighten Up when I needs ya to or there will be some Real Trouble here in Paradise.   They may all be Crazy, but none of them is Stupid, they Get It.   The Young Prince and I while out doing our Retail Therapy together, had the Deep Conversation of what happens when I'm Gone and who will be In Charge of The Asylum here?  He initiated it and it's the difficult Conversation to have, but a Necessary one.

He and his Sister are likely to be In Charge then of whoever remains, which, yeah, that's Scary to contemplate.   The Son worries he will be In Charge, he doesn't want the Position.  Everyone knows The Daughter can't be In Charge of even herself and all the rest know they'll be her Keeper.  Or send her down and back to Mexico to be Kept by the ones there who've said they would Look Out for her like they have for around Two Decades now.  I know they will, they're Tough folks, some are even semi-retired really Bad Actors, but they Adore her and get a kick out of how Fearlessly Crazy she is.  And she really can be on the Far Side of Crazy, she got Stories.  She once Broke Into a Retired Cartel Bosses House by going down his Chimney, so that she could Clean his House for him and left a Note!  He ended up just giving her a Key... and he told me this Story himself via a Video Chat, tho' she'd told me it once too.

 She's broken into our Home to Clean it, so, we always make sure she just has a Key.  She has a 'Thing' about Cleaning, it helps Calm the Voices in her Head, she says, and that's always a Good Thing coz no telling what they may be trying to say to her???  *LOL*  And she stands up to the Worst of them anywhere she is, coz Crazy gives no Fucks about Danger and generally can't be Intimidated... and... she tells them she has no Fear of Death and the only person who can Scare her is me.  But, she wants to go to Heaven, so she isn't allowed to Off herself, so, Homicide doesn't Scare her, God would be Fine with that.  Yeah, they think that's Crazy Funny.  And think I must be Crazy Scary, equally Funny, coz I don't think I am... but... whatever.  On a Scale of Wellness I Think I'm generally doing Alright and am mostly Okay.  I understand it's Debatable, depending on who you're talking to.  *LOL*

I do know I'm not Right, I'm Aware of that, but the consensus of the rest of them, including some Mental Health Professionals, have told me I'm Unaware of just how Mental I really am?  They could be Right?  *Bwahahaha*   I think I'm very high functional and not as Crazy as some of the Family are.   They all respectfully Disagree and tell me, well, we think you're pretty Crazy, but you're the best one to be In Charge, we Trust you to handle anything and everything that could ever come up.  And go on the War Path more successfully than anyone they know, when it becomes necessary to go to War with anyone.  And I have, so they have Faith I can, and perhaps I'm delusional enuf to actually think and Believe I can too?  So, for now it Works if we Work it.  And we keep Piping Along.  BTW: My Medication 'Problem' got Resolved in about 2 Hours... problem now Solved, so, Color me Happy.  I LOVE Solutions!

Would they LIKE me to be on Mental Health Meds too if they could find some I can tolerate without it making things worse and way Scarier to Manage?  Absolutely.  But, that's never happened and so, whatever.  I do all my Holistic and Tribal shit instead to stay Regulated.  Indigenous handle Mental Health and being Different, differently.   Thru a Holistic approach integrating the physical, Spiritual and Emotional balance and Community Well-Being.   Health being considered the Balance between Nature, the Individual and the Community.   Values are different too from most Non-Indigenous Cultures.   Health is considered Harmony among all parts, not just absence of Illness.  Balance between Mental, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Aspects of Life is the Priority.  Unity of The Community is highly Valued.

Holistic Methods do no Harm and don't cause any Dependency Issues, which is why it's preferential to me.  No Bad Side Effects or Baggage, which, Western Medicine has a lot of both IMO and I haven't Tolerated the Western Pharmaceuticals for Mental Illness well at all so they had to take me off them, it made things way worse and me way more unpredictable and unstable in a potentially Unsafe way... so, that wasn't the Desired effect.  *Bwahahahaha*  On Paxil I once beat the shit out of The Man and didn't even remember doing it!   I was horrified to learn I'd been why he was looking like he'd been in the Fight of his Life!  Luckily he's well Trained in Self Defense, but he said I was like a Feral Wild Thing on that Medication and he wouldn't wanna have to Fight me again!!!    And so he never has had to.  *LOL*

 I'd never lay Hands on him Unmedicated, and prefer Peaceful Resolutions to any potential Conflicts with People, so he told them, this Med ain't Workin!   So they immediately took me off that one since it was supposed to balance my Brain's Serotonin Levels, clearly that didn't Work Out as Planned.  *LMAO*   For some Reason, when you are not in your Right Mind, you become Crazy Strong, I don't know why that is, I just know that it happens, even if a Child is going Mental.  Restraining a Mentally Ill Child of any Age usually requires Help, coz One Person ain't gonna Cut it no matter how Strong or In Control you think you are.  I have Zero Delusions coz I have valiantly tried, by myself, to restrain One, it cannot be done very easily and it's exhausting to try.  *Ha ha ha*

 When one of mine was going Mental, at any Age, no matter how Young, they were unnaturally Strong and Powerful.   The Brain is a very Mysterious Thing really and when Glitching, almost anything can happen.  I talk Openly about Mental Illness coz Society generally doesn't and won't with any Candor, Compassion, or Understanding.  Just Fear and Vilifying whose diagnosed.   And the vast majority of those afflicted will never intentionally harm a Soul and just wanna be Treated with Humanity, respect and decency, which isn't too much to ask of Society IMO.   But, we all just hear about the ones that Snap and go on the Epic Rampages.   

And frankly, I don't Believe all of those incidents are a direct result of Mental Illness so much as it's about what's IN the Person at their very Essence.  Some folks just do Evil depraved shit and has not much to do with being Mentally Ill, if they got Hate, Retribution or Revenge in their Hearts and Act upon it, it never Ends Well, Period.  And they are just like that on the Inside of them and it comes Out.   And one got Elected to run our Country and we're seeing how that is manifesting in Real Time, it will never End Well, Period.   

*******

America better Check itself before it Wrecks itself... Dawn... The Bohemian

More Medicare TriCare Drama And A Headache

 Princess T has her Dental Surgeon Appointment this Morning, for Reals this time.  Remember last time I got the Dental Appointments mixed up and showed up at the Surgeon and not her Pediatric Dentist, which we were supposed to go there for just a Cleaning!  *LOL*  This happens when you're getting Older and still dealing with Young Dependents with everything they need.  It's why Women my Age don't still Breed!  *Winks*  It wasn't the first mix-up, when they were Younger, their Pediatrician and Pediatric Dentist often got a kick out of me showing up with the Wrong Grandchild for the Appointment every so often!  *Bwahahaha*

Anyway, she's getting ready early and that's good coz it's a long commute to the Northwest Valley from the Southwest Valley there.  But, it's all Freeway so we should make good timing coz it's not 'til 11:00 a.m. so Rush Hour will already be over.  They want her arriving early tho' to fill out paperwork as a new Patient, which I'll have to help her with coz of her Learning Disabilities, Reading and Writing is still hard for her and she gets Anxious about filling out important Forms without assistance.  She may always need assistance with things like that I think?  She's smart but they never did figure out the Learning Barrier she has, it wasn't Dyslexia and after a while they gave up trying to identify whatever it was to be able to tell us specifically.

Anyway, getting Wisdom Teeth out is often necessary but never pleasant so I wasn't pleased they don't intend to do it all in One Visit.  If the 1st extraction doesn't go Well, she may Panic completely about having the 2nd one?  This is just the consultation Today, which she's glad of coz she didn't want Oral Surgery just before Valentine's Day since Rusty is taking her out for a Meal.  *LOL*  Plus, not very Romantic if you're dealing with being Post-Surgical.  *Ha ha ha*  When I had my Wisdom Tooth out, I only ever had One that came in, I had an Old Dentist who was almost Retirement Age.  He had it out in 5 Seconds and without anything he had to give me, Painless, so Quick I almost swallowed it!  I think he may have been a Magician in another Life?  *Smiles*

But my Kids and The Young Prince had more complex Oral Surgeries for Wisdom Tooth extraction so I know my experience wasn't typical.  I'm not typical anyway, so... *Ha ha ha*  My Wisdom Tooth, singular, never came in until I'd already had all my Kids either and was much older than usual for it to come in.  The other Three never really formed so never had to be dealt with at all.  If there's a hint of them in my Jaw, they're still there with no Negative impact to me whatsoever.  In Dental X-Rays they never say anything about it to this day.  I'm also missing one of the Four little Lower Jaw Teeth in the Front, and was missing one of the Upper Teeth that looks like a Fang.  I had a Baby Tooth there tho' and had it removed when I was 19, no permanent Tooth under it.

We were Joking, her and I, that she has a Joker Mouth from Batman in this X-Ray!  *LOL*  But they were shocked she's never had Braces and her Teeth are Naturally this Straight and never had a Cavity.  Anyway, I'm Hopeful her Anxiety level is low for this visit and they don't frighten her there explaining the Procedure?  As it is I'm having trouble getting The Daughter to Schedule her Dental Appointment to get all her Work finally done now AHCCCS and Medicaid is giving her Dental Insurance Coverage.  She's Paranoid about Dentists, even something as simple as an Exam or Cleaning, and taking a Paranoid Schizophrenic to the Dentist is no easy challenge. The Young Prince, being one too, doesn't do much better about visiting Dentists.  To be Fair even Well folk often are Terrified of Dentists, it's a legitimate Fear a lot of people have.

And, The Niece never did respond to my PM on FB so I don't know if she just hasn't read it yet, or didn't Receive it Well?  We'll wait and see?  I was Mindful of being Diplomatic with my Words and not Judgmental at all, just offering Helpful Suggestions.  I reminded her also that her Mom may have felt Lynn's visit as just a Long Time Friend, was more Important and Meaningful than just having Lynn pitch in to do Extreme Caregiving Duties?   After all, the Woman had come all the way from Oregon to Texas to see her one last time, which means Lynn felt it Important and Meaningful enuf too IMO.  I didn't wanna take Sides so kept my assessment Neutral as Switzerland about the conflict The Niece and Lynn had during the Visit.  But quite sure Lynn didn't expect how it played out at all after she came such a long ways to see her Dying Friend one last time.

Now I'm quite certain, that even if I had the capacity to make the Visit, which I don't have that Option, it would make me hesitant to.  Due to that it might be a long Trip with the Right Intentions, that could go just as Sideways and not at all be Helpful in the least?  I wouldn't come all the way from Arizona to be Free Maid Service, when I'd come to spend Quality Time with my Dying Friend, that's for sure.  I highly now suspect it's why even Family isn't showing up now.  The last thing you want, is to show up to see a Dying Friend or Loved One/Family Member, and get into it with any of the rest of their Family for any reason who wanna dump everything on you involuntarily.  Even if you're inclined to Drama, which I'm not, I don't think it Tracks for anyone to show up to cause Trouble on Purpose in a Situation such as this.  Now, at the Reading of a Will or disposition of an Estate, I'd expect Trouble.  But my Friend has neither so nobody benefits from her Death.

But, if a Family has Dysfunction at the Best of Times, then at the Worst of Times it's not gonna improve.  And I think my Friend's Family is a Classic Case of that unfortunate level of Family Dysfunction in their Relationships with one another.  Love sometimes can't transcend the tricky complex Dynamics of Family that don't get along and never will.  Lots of Estrangements have happened with this Family, so it's no big Surprise there are Estrangements now and Bad Blood between them all.  And my Dear Friend, well, she often had a Love-Hate Relationship with everyone.  I used to Tease her about it, saying, Kathie, pick a Mood, any fucking Mood and stick with it for a Minute won't ya?!  Often she was in what I call "I Love To Hate You, I Hate To Love You" Frame of Mind.  *LOL*

By contrast I got along with everyone almost all of the time.  And if I felt Triggered or near Triggered, I'd give Fair Warning that whoever it was is Testing me and my Patience.  Patience not being a particular Virtue, but I can feel when someone is going Too Far and needs to Dial it Back with me and I always Warn them first, before I come out of the Bag on them or go Mental.  Kathie didn't ever have that capacity, she could go from Nice to Mental on the turn of a Dime sometimes and not be rational or even Aware sometimes that she'd gone over The Edge.  Which is why she came with an SSI Check for her Disability and was on loads of Psyche Meds for as long as I've known her.  I figure I'm considered High Functional Mental by comparison?   IE: No Checks, No Meds.  I Manage my Mental Illness Cold Turkey and White Knuckling it.  *Bwahahahaha*

Hey, you Work with what you Have.  Hey, I did try Therapy once and even a Shrink Twice, NOT Helpful in the least.  Mostly they wanted to Medicate you so heavily that it would render you barely Functional if they considered you a Real Head Case.  Which wouldn't work for me Caring for a Family and especially being a Corporate Executive or even once I became a Full Time Unpaid Extreme Caregiver.  And, during Session they just kept asking how I FELT about this or that?  And that isn't Helpful, how I FELT about any of it was not gonna Change a damned thing about the Reality of any Situation at Hand.  Plus, you can FEEL 20 different ways about anything at any given time, Feelings are fickle like that and can be fleeting. 

 I might FEEL Okay about something on a Monday Morning and by Noon FEEL like it's intolerable now.  *LOL*  This is often why I turn Off my Emotions and FEEL Nothing about anything one way or another, it gets me thru it better.  However, after watching a crucial Episode of Hoarders their Therapist did mention that will Manifest in Coping in Unhealthy ways, like accumulating shit... and so to Feel what you're Feeling and sit with it for a Minute, it probably won't Kill ya, and the Emotion will diminish some the longer you sit with it.  So, I've been Working on that and it is a Helpful suggestion.  When I Feel Anxiety and being Overwhelmed or not Coping Well with something, now I allow myself to Stop and Feel the Emotion.  And see if I can move forward less Robotically or not just abandon the Project?  *LOL*

It works for the Editing and Purging of my Stuff pretty well, but not for Caregiving all that Well.  I can't Sit with the Emotions that Caring for someone brings with it as Emotional Baggage, coz then I doubt I could continue to Care for them effectively, if at all?  The Man is often Unlovely while being Cared for, he doesn't Like his lack of Independence.  So, to keep him from projecting too much of his frustration or anger upon everyone all the time, I have to be The Heavy and do it with the complete lack of Emotion I always do.  Coz then everyone takes me Dead Seriously, especially him. *Winks*  If I was Emotional, they would not and it might Panic them all.  And more than one Person not being in Control of their Emotions, well, I doubt that would be particularly Helpful.  It is Helpful when no matter what the fuck is happening, I show no Emotion about it and am Stoic and Dead Calm.   That Works and is Helpful.  I get obedience and compliance.

I've found even when other folks are confrontational, if you stay eerily Calm while they're losing their Shit, often even Silent and yet Standing your Ground, no Words could Speak louder.  I've had folks Threaten me before and when I simply Calmly respond, "Well, you gotta Do whatever you Feel is Right.  And... if you're Feelin' Froggy, then Leap."  I've not had a single one Act upon their dramatic Threats, becoz a lot of folks are all Talk and no Action.  If I'm gonna fuck someone up, it's coz I feel Threatened, not becoz I want to BE Threatening towards them.  I've never started a Fight in my whole Life, but I end them with a flourish. And so no Words are necessary, I'm not gonna utter a damned thing before I Act upon taking them Down and Out as quickly and efficiently as possible to avoid getting Hurt myself.  Self-Defense requires no dialogue exchanged.

I taught my Kiddos not to start Fights with anyone, treat everyone with the Measure of dignity, respect, compassion and humanity we feel every Human Being, actually any Sentient Being, deserves and you'd want extended towards yourself.  But, if someone is lacking in compassion, humanity, or respect for you, make damned sure they Learn to Fear you.  It will avoid a lot of Drama and a Headache with or from them and deter a great many confrontations they may otherwise choose to initiate with you.  Make sure your Waters are Deep enuf that if they choose to step in them, they better be a damned Strong Swimmer and stay in their own Lanes.  It's Worked Well for each of them too, even the Quiet and most Docile one, which is Princess T.  But, if Angered, she IS a Force to be Reckoned with, goes from Docile and Introverted to Pre-Demonic in a Nano-Second, and everyone Learns that quickly. 

Its funny that at her Work, tho' she is known as the Quiet, Introverted little Sprite, who takes her Job seriously and has an outstanding Work Ethic, nobody wants to dare to Piss her off either.  *Smiles*  I would Pity the Fool actually.  If she goes very, very Quiet on your Ass, and gives you her Death Stare, with Eyes like Dark Black Pools of pending Doom, chances are, you've poked The Beast Princess and taken it too far.  *LOL*  Every so often I've sparked that Stare and Response in her, so I know what it Looks like, it can be Chilling.  Tho' she does Joke that when her Black Eyeball Doom Eye Stare meets my Icy Grey Eyeball Crazy Eye Stare, she chooses not to Engage and defers.  *Bwahahahahaha* 

 The problem with her Black Iris Color Eyeball is you can't tell she's gone Shark Eyed Psychotic coz her Pupil is the same Color as her Iris.  So Gauging her level of Crazy is damned near impossible for me.  *Smiles*  Luckily her Crazy Respect my Crazy.  *Winks*   And so her and I rarely have any Standoffs or even problems, she's been my Golden Child that way.  Wish I'd had Four of 'em instead of just One, would have made Parenting ever so much easier.  *LOL*  The Oldest Daughter we didn't Raise, since The Man got Divorced when she was Two and his Ex Remarried soon thereafter.  So we only had to Deal with her Turbulent Teen Years via Telephone with her Mom and Stepdad soliciting our Help at times.  During the Teen Years I can't tell ya how many times she was gonna threaten to be sent from Pittsburgh to Phoenix to come Live with us.  *Ha ha ha*

Once she lamented to me, they make me Clean my Room and help look after my Little Brother and Sister here, so I wanna come out there and Live with you and Dad!!!!!!!!   In which case I Calmly responded, "What, you think you won't have a Room here to Clean or a Little Brother and Sister to help with?"   She pondered that only momentarily coz she knew her Little Brother and Sister here weren't Right in the Head, so might be a whole lot more Sibling Wrangling than the Little Brother and Sister she had there.  *Smiles* And... her Mom wasn't Mental like me either, so her Dad Warned her, you and Dawn are on good Terms, I'd suggest you wanna Keep it that way.   And so her Mom and Stepdad said whatever we'd said on the Phone has Worked Wonders... Imagine that, an Instant Attitude Adjustment!  It's a Miracle!!!  *Winks*  And she only came out to Phoenix for very nice Visits.  And they, and we, all Survived her Turbulent Teen Years.  *Bwahahaha*

She's actually turned out very well and we've always had a very good Relationship, but, she's not one to make a lot of Contact either.  The Grandkids make a lot more contact than their Mom, and The Man is one not to make a lot of Contact with Family, so I think she got that from him actually?  I always had to be the one to initiate Contact with his side of the Family or I don't know that he ever would, if they didn't initiate, and most of them don't except for his Oldest Brother.  So, his Family aren't as Close Knit as my Family always were.  When my Parents were Alive I don't think a day went by that we didn't have some contact if and when things were Good.  With Mom, it would sometimes be iffy coz she was SMI and sometimes her and The Man didn't get along, they'd fight and argue about Crazy shit, like Zip Codes!   Yeah, Mental as fuck!!!  *LOL*

I'd tell The Man, Listen, she NEEDS to be Right... and you Feel a NEED to be Right.  And you both can't always fucking BE Right, so just Forfeit the Need to Be Right and have some Peace instead, Okay?  He just couldn't do it.  And in our Relationship he HATES that my way of Dealing with his Need to always be Right is Four Simple Words and then I just Walks away, no conflict ever necessary, "You could be Right."   Drops the Mic.  *Winks, try it sometime, it always works, you can Thank me later.*  I will forfeit any Need to be Right to maintain my Peace and not Disturb my Calm, you Hear me?   Life is too fucking short for petty squabbles about shit that doesn't even matter.   I squash that shit instantly before it escalates, even IF it matters, which, usually it doesn't.  *Winks*  We may not be able to Change their Hearts, but we can perhaps Change their Position?

The Granddaughter's Dental Surgeon Consultation went well, the Surgeon is a Handsome and very nice Stud Muffin.  Both of us said our Gaydar went off tho'.  *Winks*  She took me out to eat afterwards at "Chino Bandido" which is in the same Parking Lot as a Fav "Goodwill" that always has high end Donations.  She Scored over $2,000 worth of Italian Women's Leather Dress Shoes and Leather Boots, some worth over $700 each!!!   Same Donor I'm sure and she joked that some Rich Old Dead White Lady has the same Size as her, so, Whoop Whoop!!!  Her little Heart was beating like a Hummingbirds as she tried to look Casual as she was scooping them ALL up coz another Young Girl happened to then take Notice.  *Ha ha ha*

Princess T knows the Good Stuff and the High End Merch Brand Names of European Fashion and Designers.   She was Google Lensing each one to see the Retail/Resale Price Point on them.  Conservatively the 5-6 Pair she got would have cost over Two Grand, probably much more.  They look so good on her too!!!  And they looked very gently worn, as Rich folk often have a Shoe Closet full of High End Footwear so they don't wear them out and mebbe only wear them a few times.  She was eager to go back there again to see if they roll more out on the Floor since they were the stuff just being put out.  A Guy behind us in Line let me take a Pix of the 20% Off Coupon for February since I no longer have an E-Mail that is functional.  JUNO shut down so I have to get The Young Prince to set me up with a new E-Mail Address.

I got a couple Hard Cover Cookbooks and a Mannequin Head cheaply too.  Then we passed by the Phoenix Downtown SAVERS location and Mondays are Half Price Day, so we Scored a little bit there too.  I was Mad tho', I'd gotten a Jade Carved Koi Fish Necklace at the Jewelry Counter when we first came in and completely forgot they were holding it for me, dammit!  We left without it!!!  It's too far now to go all the way back down to get it!!!  That happens a lot when they're holding something, you forget about it at checkout.  Especially when it's busy like on Half Price Day, coz there's not many folks helping there at the Self-Scan Registers at that Downtown Location, asking if you have anything being held.  They are more Customer Service oriented at her Store.  I'm Mad at myself for not remembering coz Princess T did remind me just before Checkout... I forget so easily now, even if reminded.

I got Gas 60 Cents a Gallon Off with my Fry's Discount tho', which was nice.  And I bought my Plantings to put in my Talavera Pots out front.  I got a Yerba Buena Sweet Mint and a Rosemary Bush.  And I got a little Pot of assorted Succulents and one is Blooming beautifully.   My Oregano on the Front Porch made a comeback after I started remembering I even had it out there.  *Whew and LOL poor Things*  I got everything transplanted into their new Pots, I have Two more Plants to Buy for Two other Talavera Pots to put on the Posts of the Front Block Wall.  But Plants have gotten so much more expensive, I had Sticker Shock at "Home Depots" Plant Nursery.  I will look at "Lowe's" next to see if their Pricing is lower?

Today it got to 89 Degrees!   Wow!  Even for the Desert, in early February, that's about 20 Degrees above Normal.   I picked up another Shift for Tuesday Night the 17th, to fill in for my Friend Crazy Ed, he hasn't been too well either, so I don't mind covering for him or my Friend Richard, also having serious Health Issues.   At first they thought they needed coverage for another Tuesday Night but then realized they had found someone else for that Date's coverage.  I would have done it, but was okay that they had found someone else.   The Young Prince isn't doing good Today, he's got Dental Problems and Emotionally is Raw again.  He's been so uplifted for Superbowl Sunday so I don't know why he bottomed out Today, but he did and told me, so I'd know.  The Man isn't doing Good either.

The Man has Nurse Remi coming Tomorrow Morning tho' so I plan to tell her of his Fall, his Mood being really low, his Mobility being suddenly compromised, so they can tell his Doctor.   I don't know what else they can do for him, I'm suspecting, not much?   So, it is what it just is now.  The Niece never did respond to my FB PM to her, so I'm not gonna Call back, clearly she didn't receive what I had to say, speaking the Truth in Love, wasn't what she wanted to hear.  I'm not one to just tell you what you want to hear, but, what you NEED to hear, or, I just won't say anything at all.   I felt I needed to just Listen during her Phone Call and allow her to Vent, but she took it in such a Wild direction that I measured my Words but Wrote some suggestions that will be Helpful IF she decides to Receive them in the Right Spirit?  If not, well, there's nothing more I can say and she's likely to run off any Present Help she may have had.

Trying to justify laying Hands in Anger on her Aunty Lynn, who is an Older Woman, wasn't flying with me and she knew it after she confessed.  Regardless of why it happened, it shouldn't have happened, period.  I know that landed like a Lead Balloon, it's not Behavior Tolerable to me and she knows it, but she came Clean about it to me rather than me hearing it from someone else, which was a Good thing.  But it is something that could have Caught her some Serious Charges and she needed to Know and Hear that.  Aunty Lynn is a Senior and therefore considered a Vulnerable Adult.  So if she'd wanted to Press Charges, it could have gone very badly, and she was risking having her Kids taken away and her ill Mother, as well as doing Time.  You cannot be considered Unsafe to be around, it's not okay.  And I don't know what condition the Home was in for Lynn to confront her about it not being "Clean Enough" either?  

Anyway, I'm not there so I can only go on what has been said to me as being accurate and not from the most reliable Source.  I do Need to call my Friend and hear at least another Version, from her perspective, to decide how much embellishing or psychosis was going on?   When someone has psychotic episodes what is imagined, perceived, or real can be very muddled and not be entirely Reality based.  Even what she WANTED to do opposed to what she actually DID could be questionable as well.   I do think my Friend should probably be in a Hospice full time now, that's my Opinion, for everyone involved.  Hospice Care is usually exemplary, it was for both of my Parents and I was Grateful to the Hospice Team, they Minister to the whole Family and not just the Dying, most are also Non-Profits.

But every Family must decide Internally what is best for their Loved Ones, I wouldn't presume to overstep my Friendship by straying in their Lane about any of that forcefully.   Suggestions and Opinions when Solicited are up to those who Receive them to do with them what they will.  I Hope it can be of Help and if they don't think so, that's Okay too.  There will be no Happy Ending to their Story and so my Heart breaks and aches for their whole Family and for my Friend especially, it's a tough way to Go.   And she has One Child whose trying to be all she can for her during the worst of it, so, that's Priceless to any ailing Parent.   No Caregiver is expected to be Perfect and it's very hard to be one, I know from loads of Experience.  

The Sanitized Versions some might portray on TV or even on some Blogs, that are Saccharine Sweet and not very Authentic, are a detriment actually IMO.  And total Bullshit, it's not Believable to me, nobody is that much of a Saint and nor is anyone being Cared for who requires Extreme Care.   Don't Romanticize something that is Deep in the Trenches and very messy, few actually Buy it and perhaps someone with Zero Point of Reference may want to Believe you, but, it's not like that and we all know it who do have a Point of Reference.   I keep it 100... but I suspect some Caregivers do not, for Fear of Judgment perhaps, or to be told what 'Saints' they are, to boost their Morale, I dunno?   The Niece is trying very hard and falling short, we all do and have, it's Okay.  She's striving to be there and be Love in Action, during the worst time of her and her Mom's Life, that's all you can do.

LATER:  Well, I did get to Talk to my Niece and my Friend Tonight, my Message was Received Well and the Family Dynamics are just complicated, so, I understand the Sentiments.  My Friend is very near The End, the Home Nurse comes Once a Week but by next Week will be coming often to ease her into the Actively Dying Phase, which, has already begun.  She was having a Good Moment during my Call, which was Touching, coz it was like talking to her normally, and not to someone Dying.  Her Daughter said she doesn't have many of those Moments so she was very Happy that her Mom was having such a Good Moment for our entire Call.  She was very Happy to converse and we laughed a lot, as we always have.  Especially about how smokin' Hawt she is with Short Hair or even no Hair.  *Smiles*  If a Dying Person can find something to still Laugh about, I should be able to also.

They are making her comfortable, she's got the Cocktail going on, so is in no Pain, which is good.  She said she called all of her Children and her Sister Today, and her Oldest Grandson she helped Raise to ask them to come before she won't know they're even there.  None are coming and that made her quite Sad, everyone made excuses and some of those excuses are no Believable, so I was very sorry to hear that.  I know she wants to see the ones that can be there.  The One Son whose still in The Live is in Prison, which, is probably where he should be, since, he hasn't been Clean or staying out of Trouble.  I had wondered, The Son had some contact with him here in Arizona last Year, when Kenny reached out to him, and Warned me, make and accept no Contact, he's Using and in The Life, Mom, so I don't want him around any of us.

I guess the other Son and the Oldest Grandson only live 8 Hours away, so, the fact they wont' bother to come is inexcusable.   The one Older Sister is always posting Trips she's constantly on yet claimed she can't come coz she can't 'afford' to, which, doesn't Track with the Money she's spending and showing off all over Social Media.  She's not making seeing her Dying Mom a priority, she'll have to Live with that decision, you're a long time Dead.  The Niece is pricing Cremations for her Mom now and will cover all expenses since none of her Siblings or the Oldest Nephew want to contribute anything.  That's a shame too, but she said she doesn't even plan to notify any of them when their Mom's Time comes, they can find out from secondhand information since they didn't Care enuf to show up when her Mom asked them to a pleaded for them to.  It's not gonna be very long and she knows it.

I just got notification Today from TriCare, my Prescription Drug Coverage Insurer via The Man's Military Benefits, that they're no longer covering Two of my Diabetic Medications!!!  So, won't be renewing the Prescription, no explanation whatsoever, WTF?!  So, I have to call them coz now they're saying to go thru Medicare instead for those Two.  It's been screwy since 2026, first AETNA and United Healthcare drop all Veterans and Spouses from Medicare Advantage Coverage in Maricopa County, now this, where TriCare is deciding not to cover some of our Meds too!!!  So, from both ends we're getting screwed over by our Federal Benefits Earned, and Medicare.  I've already got One Appeal outstanding about that Penalty I don't really Owe... now they're saying I can Appeal this too!!!  Like I got nothing to do but file Appeals and Pay Out of Pocket for what should be covered and really amounts to kind of Extortion!!!

I don't know what Explanation, if any, they will give when I call to make an inquiry and complaint?   So, I just Googled the Why and it says effective 2026  they made changes with over 100 new Drug Exclusions!  To save Costs, and suggest you have your Doc substitute lower-cost biosimilars.  So, now I'll have to ask my Doc to sub the Statin and the Lisinopril for something Cheaper/Generic, I dunno, whatever would be a Cheap Ass equivalent so the Federal Government can pay less???  *Eye Roll*  Rich when you consider how much this Administration is Stealing from the Federal Government in Billions of Dollars to enrich Individuals who are corrupt Billionaires already.  But, Families and Veterans who Served their Country are being excluded from getting the best Medications coz the Government can't 'afford' it???  You know, now that so much is being siphoned by this Administration into their own Pockets.

So, now I've got to go in to my Doc's Office and request they do a quick Substitution so I can get refills in time that are lower cost equivalents to what they want me to be taking.  So far it's Two of the Seven Meds I have to be on... so far.  I mean, I had to quit using the Base Satellite Pharmacy where my Meds were Free with no Co-Pay, until they quit carrying most of what I was on.  Then I had to switch to TriCare's Express Scripts by Mail, which has Co-Pays that now Cost me $200 a Month, but, get Delivered to my Home, which is at least convenient.  So long as they don't start excluding what I'm on to where there are no biosimilars???  What a Dog & Pony Show it's all become. 

 Plus, I got another Letter saying HUMANA isn't covering some of my Dental Cleaning, it's a small amount they disallowed, but I don't know if my Dentist will just Write it off or bill me?  I'm within my Annual Benefits Allowance, by a long shot, the Year just began and it's all I've had done so far, a mere Cleaning with updated X-Rays!!!  Basic stuff.  Never had these exclusions with Medicare Providers before 2026.  I think this may be a "Thing" now we just have to be hassled about with Medical, Dental and Prescription Coverage thru our Providers, I dunno?  We Pay for our Coverage and yet it keeps covering less and less, doesn't it?  At least we still have Coverage, many Americans probably don't now with all the ACA Cuts... and Scams like the Marketplace ACA one that The Son Qualified for and now wants a huge reimbursement they never disclosed when he Signed Up with them.  He Paid Premiums too and now they're Clawing Back the majority of the Subsidy provided!!!

I'm just tired of having to Battle all these Insurances all of the time becoz they keep Changing Coverage provided, dreaming up new Disqualifying Factors so they can pay less and make more, and increase Premiums while providing less and less.   It's not as if they're not making Record Profits, becoz, they are.  And it's not as if all other First World Developed Countries don't have a better way of providing Care, coz they all do... and America could too, but, they choose not to.  Apparently the American Public aren't worth it to them and they're making that more apparent every single Day now.   The pretense of even Caring is gone, it's all become transaction and supporting and Serving only the Oligarchy, not the American Public.

*******

It's so much of a Headache right now I'm reaching for an Aspirin... Dawn... The Bohemian