I Don't Mind Blogging About All Of It But Don't Like Talking About Any Of It

 

This will now be the 4th Unpublished Post ahead, whoop whoop!  I'm on a Bloggy Roll to keep my Head Space Right and in the Game without going Off Rails from doing too much with very little Down Time or Me Time.  The Blogging is Me Time even if I'm not leaving the House.  I can pop in here behind the Computer Screen off and on to work on a Post as Time permits thruout any given Day or Night.  I Type and Think very fast, so can knock out a Post with a Racing Stream of Consciousness that never really slows down to a Normal Pace.  The Stroke I had, back last December, only slowed it down some until I recovered enuf my Brain rewired itself back to Warp ADHD Bipolar Speed with more than a Touch of OCD as a Garnish.  *Bwahahahaa*   This Post will be sprinkled with Images of Adult Grandkids and the Great-Grandkid Littles, and Cousins, since, that's the Imagery I'm receiving right now from Family.

And I've got a lot to say and usually nobody to say it to, so this is like Journaling without Talking about any of it out loud.  Which is Fine, coz Oddly, tho' I don't mind Blogging about all of it, I don't like Talking about any of it, is that Weird?   I think it's Weird, but, I am a self-professed Weirdo and most of the time I am Stoic and just hold my Mud in Real Life without uttering Negative shit.  I'd rather give Life and Energies to Positive Words all day long instead.  Or if what I'm about to say isn't an improvement over Silence, it remains unsaid.  If in Polite Exchanges, not meant to really Know what you're going thru in response, ask how I'm doing, I just usually say, "Living The Dream" or, "Fine, and how about Yourself", they say Fine, and and we keep it moving.  People aren't asking casually how you're doing to wanna really KNOW how you're actually fucking doing, nobody Cares to Hear it, unless it's Good.

And, I am as Guilty as anyone of saying that dumb shit we don't want ACTUAL responses to when we Greet someone casually, but are just being Polite and Sociable in a Non-Committal, Non-Invested, no Intentions of getting Involved kinda way.  Everyone has their own shit and baggage to Deal with, we don't need to carry someone else's really that further weigh Life down.  But in Blogs we can keep it 100%, well, some Bloggers do... and if we want to Involve ourselves with it we can in whatever Online way is Sincere, but different than actually Being There.  Sometimes people just Need to be Heard.  Or Read.  Whatever, it's kinda the same thing and far Cheaper than paying some Therapist an outrageous Fee per Hour to Hear you and then say, "And how do you Feel about that?  And BTW, your Time is up for Today's Session, that's all the Hearing you get for this Price."  *Bwahahaha*

And, I don't want to attract criticism from anyone who is a Therapist or who gets beneficial Treatment from one, perhaps if it's Working for you and you can afford it or have it covered, it's better you receive it.  I don't presume to know.  I just know on an Intellectual Level, they can't Fix any of what my Problems actually are, I will leave the Office with them, just like this Blog doesn't Fix any of them either, but it's Free, and so I can afford that and do it as much as I want or Need to.  *Winks*  I was Mandated once, after that infamous Psyche Lockdown Episode Years ago, to see a Psychiatrist and Therapist for some mandatory After Care.  I did it, wasn't Helpful at all for me personally, so I quit going and they don't bother to ever follow-up coz they don't have to and can't force you to receive Treatment or take whatever Meds they feel you Need, but don't 'Cure' anything, just MEBBE Manage it.

Above is Granddaughter in Yellow with a BFF, her 29th Birthday is in 2 Days in Real Time.  But, I digress, back on Topic... I don't personally respond well to Psyche Meds so they've always had to take me off them even the few times I took some, it made things way worse.   Paxil I took for about 48 Hours and I beat the shit out of my Dear Husband while on it and don't even remember doing it!!!  So, no Paxil for me, that was a frightening Side Effect making me so aggressive and unaware of said aggression!  The Man said I went completely Feral on that Medication, so they took me off it immediately.  And during Psyche Lockdown I faked taking all the Meds they want you Zombied Out on.  Why?  Coz it was too fucking dangerous in there to be High as Fuck or Zombied Out, it was Mixed Company, all Ages and Conditions.  People were getting Raped, harmed by other more dangerous folks being held against their Will in there, some for serious Criminal Behaviors.  No Thanks, I needed to do that involuntary stint completely Clean and on High Alert. 

And the infamous Showdown I had with the Insane Big Young Male Murderer made me realize, within an Hour of arrival, that I couldn't be under the influence of anything that would make me passive and an easy Mark.  I'm already Old and Female, strike Three would have been all fucked up on strong Psyche Meds meant to make me easy to Manage by Staff, but way more vulnerable.  I made sure I wasn't enuf Trouble that I'd be doing the Thorazine Shuffle and get that Shot in the Ass involuntarily administered, I might be Crazy, but I have never been Stupid about things.  And me and Insane Dude had our Understanding within that critical First Hour and once he left me Be, everyone else did too, coz, he was the Scariest Guy on the Ward.  And if I Handled him, they knew I could and would damn sure Handle them.  Fear being the most powerful deterrent from folks fucking with you or even wanting to.  And if you're already Unwell and not doing Well, you don't want to Deal with other Folks Issues and Drama at all.  And you shouldn't have to.

And that's also why I don't want any of my Loved Ones Institutionalized even tho' from Time to Time they've had to be.  It's not a Safe Space for them to end up in and it's never Helpful, whether it's a Penal Institution or a Psychiatric one... or both.   The Daughter has been in and out of both since her Teen Years, it's never Helped, ever.   The Grandson has been Institutionalized Thrice, twice Psychiatric, once Penal for defending himself from Homophobic Cops in Washington State who were beating the shit out of him, when they realized they were responding to a Trans Man with Mental Health Issues, rather than a Biological Woman being restrained by a Boyfriend.  Allen ended up arrested to for then defending his Boyfriend from the Police, it was a total Cluster Fuck of Police Brutality and all Charges did get dropped.

  But Lockup was very hard on a Trans Person in a Male Penal Population, he did not feel Safe or Protected AT ALL.  The Son has done some Jail Time, and Psyche Ward Time too, but also had Charges dropped or reduced coz he's not a Criminal, he's made some foolish and bad choices tho', typically Autistic influenced Bad/Poor Decision making he will always just have.  He said he's glad he's wanting to be a Law Abiding Citizen coz Jail weren't no Fun and being on the Streets even less Fun, Psyche Wards are pure Hell, so you really have to get your Life together enuf you don't end up in any, for any reasons.  Addiction will get you locked up sometimes, whether for drunkenness or being High.  

So it's just best to be Clean and Sober if you can manage it and not self-medicate, even if Dealing with your Psychiatric Demons without something taking the Edge off is very, very hard.  I've done it Clean and Sober, but, not everyone can and most tend to self-medicate or be on prescribed Meds to Manage it somewhat, or try to Escape from it temporarily.  The Man has many times ended up at the VA Hospital Psyche Ward with PTSD and the TBI when I can't Manage it and need Help with that, since both are Forever.   If you have something that there is no Cure for, you must do the best you can with having it and just Living Life with whatever it is permanently.  With Mental Illness there is very little Science behind the Treatments IMO, they're still mostly winging it with what they prescribe, and almost no Two Psychiatrists will agree on even the Meds sometimes.  

The amount of different Psyche Meds my Loved ones have been prescribed for SMI is like a fucking Laundry List of Trial and sometimes Errors.  And loads of harmful Side Effects, that could actually Kill you or shut down Organs if you're on the Meds a prolonged amount of time.  And lets face it, since there's no Cure you'll be on them a prolonged amount of fucking time, won't you?  Until they take you off them completely coz the harm from the Meds outweighs the benefits of Managing the Illness.  So your Loved ones are on and off Meds constantly, and it's hard enuf to get someone with Mental Illness to consistently even take their Meds, let alone when it becomes such an Ordeal and results are sketchy and questionable, or cause harmful Side Effects.  The Young Prince would joke that he came off his Meds by Age 15, that he'd been on since Age 7, coz tho' they stopped him from wanting to Kill himself, they were Killing him in the end, so it was a total Catch-22 Situation.

Rehabs won't always take those with SMI, if they're trying to get Clean from Substance Abuse, they'll pop them in Psyche Wards instead every time.   I tell these things so the General Public will know how The System doesn't fucking Work at all most of the time for Care or even for After Care, for people who desperately Need both and aren't getting it.  Or are just Warehoused, like ICE Detention... ummm, Concentration Camps are doing to Profit off of the Immigration Cluster Fuck folly.  Just  follow the Money, it's all about the Money.  It's not about Immigration, not about Due Process or doing the Right or Lawful thing, not about locking up the Worst of them coming here Illegally, not to keep you Safe America.   Just about Privatizing Profit Making Institutions that someone is getting filthy Rich from and being mostly Funded by you, the Taxpayers, footing the outrageous expenses of and they're throwing Money at like we don't have a huge National Deficit/Debt.

Expect before his Term is up for him to Bankrupt America and put us Trillions more in Debt... Yep, Trillions with a Capital T and Plural.  And to make himself, his Family and Nepo Hires wealthier in the doing of it.  Pretty sure he's enriching Foreign Bad Actors as well, in the Selling Out of America he's engaging in and ramping up daily coz nobody is stopping him and have given him complete Immunity from the worse of Crimes, including but not limited to Treason.  In fact, every Accusation he's making about anyone, is an Admission of his own Guilt of doing just that, coz, it's his predictable "Tell".  He can't Help himself, it's his M.O. and always has been and it's worked for him, so he works it.  He hasn't Changed at all, but America sure has.  I don't even recognize this America and it makes me Ashamed, Embarrassed and Angry that it IS who America is now.   The World watches us implode in on ourselves.

The saddest part to me is that it was all avoidable and didn't have to happen if 2.0 hadn't been Voted in and Competent Leadership had instead been installed.  We had that opportunity... and IMO, if any Election was indeed 'Rigged' that one was in 2024, I do Believe Kamala Won that and that Election interference happened and Elon eluded to Buying the Election, and I don't doubt it was Bought and the Accusations made against the Opposition, as always, was an Admission of their own Guilt and a Strong "Tell".   The Results were Accepted, and mebbe they shouldn't have been and should have been contested, questioned and investigated, to ensure and to avoid the outcome we now have that probably wasn't legit?   After all, they've made it abundantly clear that if they Lose it wasn't Free and Fair but if they Win it was, and that just doesn't ever Square.  And I'm Positive they'll mess with the Midterms and any Future Elections now if Voter Suppression and Fraud doesn't work out for them sufficiently.  Trust had been perhaps irreparably broken with the American People.

Whatever Trust I might have previously had of our Government, I no longer have at all, none.  It's no longer even pretending to represent us, and definitely not me and mine, anymore, and so the only thing they've Earned is our complete Distrust of them.  How they will try to remedy that will take a lot of fucking Work on their part to Earn back our Trust collectively.   I got some light Grocery Shopping done this Morning for necessities.  Mostly for hydration since it's getting Hot again and we go thru a lot of fluids to keep hydrated in Spring and Summer, so when the Dollar Store has what we use, I buy it in bulk while they have it.  They don't always get the same shipments in, so you got to get yours while there's still some left. 

Another Medical Emergency transpired on Tuesday Morning with The Man.  Nurse Remi came at 11:00 a.m. and didn't like the look of his Legs and Feet at all, they were shiny and so swollen now that he had his skin split a bit and ooze on one Leg, not Good!!!   She wanted me to take him to the ER right away after the PT Guy showed up, since John was slated to be here between 10:00 and Noon.  Well, John ended up being a No Show and didn't even give the Courtesy of a Phone Call as to why?  And, I didn't have a Point of Contact direct Number for him either, so, not impressed with whoever is Contracting that Work, it was inconvenient enough to have a Two Hour Window to wait on him to arrive, without him never showing up or cancelling.  Plus, with us having another Medical Emergency transpiring, I just left by 12:30, since if he was gonna be over half an Hour late, well, fuck him.

They ran a bunch of Tests on The Man, all the Doctors and Nurses at the ER remembered us, we're there all the damned time lately, but they're so sweet about greeting us warmly, as if now we're Old Friends.  *Smiles*  I guess we are a Memorable Couple of Old Geezers?  *Winks*  And they always tell The Man he's Lucky to have me coz I'm taking such good Care of him and keeping on top of things, which makes me feel like I must be doing a decent Caregiving Job of it and boosts my confidence in the doing of it.   It's so easy to 2nd Guess yourself as a Caregiver with no formal Medical Training, mostly winging it and feeling quite overwhelmed and incompetent at times to meet them at their Point of Need adequately enough.

So, they reduced his Swelling, his Heart seemed to be doing okay, his BP was good, his Sugars were shit tho', 304, which is near Keytones range and a Bad Reading.  He had hardly eaten anything Today coz of not Feeling good, so nothing should have spiked it that high.  They brought that down too.  They gave his Lasix, a Diuretic and now prescribed it for him.  It only Cost me 72 Cents at the Civilian Pharmacy.  *Whew*  They want him to do more follow-up with his Cardiologist due to this Episode to make sure his Kidneys aren't failing or he's not getting Congestive Heart Failure, coz those were my concerns and they said that was perceptive of me.  I had ran my concerns by Nurse Remi and she agreed, she thought the same thing might be going sideways with Heart or Kidneys.  He doesn't see the Kidney Specialist 'til EOM.

So, I was at the ER from about 12:45 to almost 6:00 p.m., long Day.  I got Chinese Take-out on the way Home.  Our fav little Family Owned Chinese Restaurant is beside the Pharmacy at "Fry's" I went to and they had some new Mix N Match on their Menu.  So, I tried it and liked it, had the Orange Chicken with the Mongolian Beef, Fried Rice, Noodles and Eggroll.  The Man chose Sweet N Sour Pork.  I Shared mine with Princess T and The Man Shared his with The Son.  The Young Prince can't eat Pork and isn't Peopling Today so it's doubtful he'll come out of his Room anyway.  He'd spent the Day at his Dad's so didn't know about all the Emergency with Grandpa until he got Home.  Rusty picked Princess T up from Work for me, Bless him.  

  

Spending that many Hours at an ER is grueling, they saw him right away, but his Eval and Treatment just took that many Hours and I was concerned he'd have to be Hospitalized again.  But, they sent him Home and he's Happy that they did, he was getting agitated after several Hours and more uncooperative for me there.  At Home he's more compliant.  There was another Old Man in the curtained off area next to ours who was complaining loudly, wanting loads of attention from staff, puking a lot, in Pain and not handling it well, and carrying on something fierce and I think that wound The Man up.   He was starting to complain that Guy was getting on his last Raw Nerve!!!  Ruh Roh, coz frankly that Guy was getting on my last Raw Nerve too and the Staff's.  He kept yelling "Help me, somebody please Help me" like he was Dying, and then just ask for a Warm Blanket!!!  Then, finally someone he knew showed up and he went from Whining in English, to Happily speaking with his Male Friend in Spanish, Laughing, Joking, like nothing at all was Wrong with him, WTF?!

Then when the Friend left, he went right back to Whining loudly in English and carrying on, as if in excruciating Pain, when, just Moments before he was Laughing and Joking in a whole other Tone of Voice and Language.  I got the Sense he was milking it for to get some Strong Pain Meds and mebbe he's Addicted?  Coz they kept telling him they couldn't give him "That", so I don't know what he was requesting, but it obviously was a Controlled Substance and the Doctor wasn't prescribing it for what he'd come in for.  A lot of Junkies go to an ER trying to get what they're Jonesin' for, especially if they are in the throes of Withdrawal from it.  He said he had Stomach Pain and frankly, it sounded to me like he was going thru Withdrawal and possibly Detoxing from whatever he usually takes and might be Addicted to or Abusing?  Just a hunch coz I have had Family Members who were Addicts and a First Husband who was.  This Guy was in his 70's and I know this coz he kept yelling how Old he was and that he'd never been in such Pain in all his Seventy Plus Years.

The Man was trying to be Stoic, but that Guy hollering his Lungs out for Hours on end, it was getting on everyone's last Raw Nerve after a while.  I was Hoping they'd Sedate this Fool so the rest of us could be spared the constant Screaming and acting up.   He was still there when we left, and we'd been there almost Six Hours listening to all of that by us with just a fucking Curtain separating his Bed from The Man's.  *Le Sigh*  At one point The Man was gonna get out of his Bed and go over and tell him to shut the Fuck Up already!!!  Oh, my.  I didn't Need for The Man, whose usually very non-confrontational, to go off the Deep End on another Seventy-Plus Year Old acting the Fool.  Luckily they had The Man hooked up to shit and so he couldn't, and I Calmed him and asked our Dear Nurse, who was also that Guy's ER Nurse, if someone could mebbe go see what that Man was hollering so much about and for?  

She sent a Male Nurse in there to tell him, gently but firmly, to Knock it Off, other Patients needed attention too, he'd get his Turn and his Doctor was working on his Test Results but they weren't back yet.   And as much as he was puking, I'm sure it was a Hot Mess over there that they were gonna be cleaning up after him.  They'd given him the device you are to vomit into, but he was power puking all over the place and not trying to use it apparently coz you could hear it hitting the Floor and he was loud about doing that too.  *Le Sigh*  Lord have Mercy, wouldn't wanna be someone Related to THAT Guy and have to Deal with all that!  What a Pain in the Ass he was, I don't Care what was Wrong with him, he was just Too fucking Much.  The only Relief other Patients or the Staff got from him was the 30 Minutes or so his Male Buddy was in there laughing and joking with him.   You couldn't tell anything was Wrong with him then... and I'm sure Staff noticed that too, we sure did.

There was a Lady that came in wearing the exact same T-Shirt as The Man was wearing, what are the Odds?  And everyone noticed, even the Doctor, so we all joked about them getting the Memo, or perhaps being Siblings/Twins?  *LOL*  It is Red and says something to the effect that I'm not Lazy, I just really Enjoy doing Nothing.  The ER was pretty busy when we got there, but by the time we were leaving it had emptied out, even the Parking Lot had.  We were there long enuf for a Shift Change, both our Doctor's were so Nice.  The first was a Male Stud Muffin Doctor we'd seen before who had a Wicked sense of Humor, we really like him.  The Shift Change occurred and we got a Young Pretty Female Doctor with lots of Grey & White Nature Tattoos, who didn't even look Old enuf to be a Doctor, but was so Nice too and we really liked her as well.  She consulted with Dr. Pham, who'd done his Heart Procedure, before sending us Home.  His Nurses were all ER Nurses we'd had before.

Having so many familiar Faces who remembered him was Comforting to him and they're all so Nice at that Hospital, and on top of their Game, which is Why I always take him there even tho' there's a Hospital closer to the House.   The Hospital Closer has great In-Patient Care but their ER is atrocious, you could literally Die at that ER.   Even when Presenting with something like a Heart Attack or Stroke in progress, coz they don't take much very Seriously it seems, or as Seriously as they should.  And, they're always overwhelmed and seemingly understaffed at that ER as well and get a lot more Street People and The Human Sideshow coming in.  So Security is really busy too handling the High Drama People coming in.  I don't like that, you never know what Street People are gonna do or what some are On that they will be unpredictable and potentially Dangerous to be around.  

Of coarse, at the other Hospital they always seem to get DOC Patients in the ER coz that Hospital is the closest one to a Prison.  Another one came in while we were there... Assigned Three Armed Guards to him.  Young Guy, brought in by Ambulance and Paramedics, Handcuffed to his Gurney.   Most Patients tho' were Sick and decent behaving this Day and did look like True Emergencies.   Sometimes ER's now are filled with folks who aren't Medical Emergencies but probably don't have Insurance or a Primary Doctor they can see.   And with our Healthcare System, I'm not Surprised far too many people are in that Situation, especially now.  And Thankfully TACO backed down again, whew, and didn't Nuke Iran and obliterate a whole Civilization of Ninety Million People as he went on a deranged Easter profane Rant about, like he's gone totally Insane!!!  He needs to be removed for being Mentally Gone. 

I kinda wonder if Donnie is the Anti-Christ of Biblical mentioning?  His 'Number' sure could be 666.  He's just that Evil and deranged in a most dangerous way that all unhinged Maniacs thruout History have been and caused a lot of Death and destruction in their Lifetimes.  Why is Peace, Humanity and Kindness so hard for some People to exhibit?  I dunno. Do they acknowledge and recognize how Twisted abhorrently Sic they are I also Wonder?  He's unwell now and dangerous enough to others to the point he should be put away for the rest of his days.  When another Human Being has gained such notoriety for Evil Deeds that Good People are asking "Is he Dead yet?", that's quite Telling.  People Celebrate the Death of Evil People becoz they are a scourge to Humanity and a part of all the Worst History and atrocities ever committed.  He's definitely on THAT List and it is even said Epstein, as Evil as he was, said that Donnie didn't have a decent Cell in his whole Body... just Wow!!!  Let that sink in the level of depravity that indicates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet, some folks who THINK they're Christians actually Worship him as if he's a god or the 2nd Coming of Christ!!!  Yikes!!!  Their depravity and lack of Godliness in them then is on full fucking Display, isn't it?  Pretty sure God is like, Nope, not one of Mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Even Tucker Carlson, Joe Rogan, Marjorie Taylor-Greene and Alex Jones are now saying he's gone completely Mental and deranged, and Warning he has to be removed, and that our Military shouldn't follow his Illegal Order, and they were MAGA to the Max.  When his own Cult has begun to turn on him, you know it's near The End and he's got to GO, before he takes the whole World with him in a Murder/Suicide way the deeply demented often do or at least try to do if they're not stopped first.   And the ReTrumplicans need to hurry up and grow a fucking Spine or some Balls and do what's Right now.

 

I was up at 4:00 in the Morning Today, which in Real Time is a Wednesday Morning, this will Post/Publish Days later coz I'm several Blog Posts ahead right now and that's Okay.  A Blog Block always catches up to me and I'll be Grateful I had some sitting in the Unpublished Queue to Auto Publish when that happens.  I've got a Bag filled with Plastic Easter Eggs we gleaned during Environmental Cleanup that I'll be washing up Today and just Saving for next Year.  I don't know how many Dozen I actually Sold from our Showroom before Easter was a Wrap, but I had a lot of Easter stuff for Parents to Buy to fill up the Homemade Easter Baskets at a Bargain with stuff the Kiddies Collect and would be Cheaper and better stuff than the Big Box Stores are hawking for the Holidays. 

I'm contemplating whether to bring in a Milk Crate and Box it all up and take it out now or leave it in a while?  Since sometimes Post-Holiday Sales of Holiday Merch is better than Pre-Holiday Sales of it are.  So, it's sometimes better to leave it in a little while Post-Holiday and Sell it rather than Store it for another Year of Seasonal Merch that didn't Sell.  This Year I'm determined to Label any Crates of Holiday Themed Merch in Storage so it's more easily identifiable for the next Year.  I'm trying to be more Organized and Simplifying Life some.  I really have some Bad Habits tho' that seem hard to break and not fall back into.  I'm notorious for Clutter and I Wish I weren't coz it's the bane of my existence, but, I do well for a while and then it builds up again.  I'm Clean and keep a Clean Home, but a Cluttered one at times, which makes Cleaning more complicated than it has to be.  So I wanna break that Bad Habit once and for all.  I swear I may Need some Divine Intervention to beat it tho'!?

Letting that shit Go is hard for me sometimes, I keep things longer than I should or have to and I know this.  So, I Purge every so often, but then it builds up again over Time to where then I Need to Purge again, in a vicious Cycle or Editing and Purging ad nauseum.   I can be ruthless when I do get fed up and do a massive Purge.  Then the Family is cautioning me, are you Purging too much?   Well, I have Too Much, so how much IS Just Enough?   Hard to tell sometimes, isn't it?  For those of us who swung from Minimalism to Maximalism we tend not to be Moderate in our ways of having Stuff, or not having it, it's one end of the Spectrum or the other for us.  When I was Minimalistic I had hardly anything and was Fine with that.  I like it even, Simple, less Work.  But, in Maximalist Mode I do Love my accumulated Good Stuff, coz I don't Keep crap, I Keep only what would be considered The Good Stuff, just, Too Much of it.  *Ha ha ha*

*******

Doing that Balancing Act in the Arizona Desert... trying to attain Just Enough... and what that even Looks like?... Dawn... The Bohemian

I'm Now In Manic Blogger Mode

  

 I'm now in Manic Blogger Mode... and it's an appropriate Blog Title Hook for this Post, so, there ya go.  Usually I struggle with a Title Hook, but not Today!  *Smiles*  Why am I Manic, well, the Mixed Episodes have that rollercoaster ride of Manic and Depressive Episodes and I'm on the way Up now I suppose.  Whew, coz the lows are The Devil.  The Man is up too, his is due to his Dementia, his concept of Time now is shot to Hell and he's Anxious about us doing our Taxes later this Morning even tho' the Granddaughter is covering it all for us this Year, Bless her.  It's 2:00 a.m. and he's not been feeling well, he has Cankles going on and recovering from his Heart Attack, Heart Surgery and Pneumonia has just been a very long Journey ongoing in not so good ways.

We still have Two of his Prescribed Meds he's supposed to be on that the VA hasn't renewed and sent us, so I gotta call those in AGAIN and find out Why?  He can't be hit and miss with what he's prescribed, especially now that he's been circling the drain Medically.  I think sometimes they have the Old Veterans especially, on the Hurry Up And Die Plan, only he refuses to, he's tough as Old Boots and a Warrior still.  We have his VA Nurse who comes every Tuesday and she's been pressing the VA whenever they tarry about what he needs.  I'm Surprised actually they've Qualified him for her Services and expanded them, I didn't expect that.  She came Weekly at first, then Bi-Weekly, then we expected cancellation, but they ramped it back up to Weekly. 

 We really like her, she's originally from Africa and is a Nigerian Refugee that was facing Religious Genocide of Christians in her Country.  Her Sister was awarded Asylum in Australia, her, here.  They have a 90 Year Old Mother still trapped in Africa.  She sends a lot of Emergency Supplies back Home to be distributed, so I gave her some things I knew might be Needed for that Ministry Work she's involved in, or for her Needy Clients here, she was so Grateful.  I had about a couple Dozen packages of Small Size Pullups that nobody here could fit into, Princess T used to need them until she was Nine.  So I had no use for them and had been slowly Donating some to Chazzas, but gave the rest to our VA Nurse to distribute as she saw Need of.

How did I end up with so many Boxes of New Packages of Small Adult Pullups?  Believe it or not somebody had illegally dumped the unopened Boxes of them, lots of Boxes in fact, at the Nature Preserve we do Environmental Cleanup of!!!  They still had some Elderly Clients Name and Address on them but nobody wanted to follow up on why they ended up dumped in the Desert at the River Nature Preserve along with numerous Boxes of some kind of Elderly Medically prescribed Specialty Drinks, all still Boxed and Medically Specific?!!!!!  Makes one Wonder, doesn't it, who dumped it and Why?   We cleaned all of it up we could, and I had to just trash the Drinks coz they had been Heat Exposed and were Medically specific Rx Quality. 

 But the Pullups I figured could be Donated somewhere and not Wasted, great Need for those kinds of Supplies for the incontinent and they're expensive to Buy Retail if Insurance doesn't cover it.  I think someone should have Investigated either the Delivery Company or perhaps what happened to that Client that her Supplies just all ended up in the Desert, did she Die, was Denied having what she needed being Delivered to her?  I think that was important, but getting anyone who Cares enuf to Investigate such things is futile, it really is, nobody wants to get involved and I spent too much time and energy just cleaning up that mess as a Volunteer, in Desert Heat conditions no less, since, it was last Summer.  I'd Stores them in The She Shed until I could Donate it all somewhere... we're talking Volume of Boxes of Pullups!

Anyway, Nurse Remi was delighted to get them Donated and she said she found Clients who Needed them here, and sent some to Africa too, that made me feel warm and fuzzy about having Salvaged them from the Desert dumping of them and not going to Waste or be an Environmental Hazard in Nature, since that kind of Product doesn't degrade well.  And Illegal Dumping and Littering in Nature Preserves, Nature in general, or even in Public at all, is a Pet Peeve of mine.  Humans can be so Environmentally Unconscious, Lazy or downright Nasty and inconsiderate of their discards, Law Breaking with Illegal Dumping, and Trash. The County does some Cleanup, but appreciates us Volunteers they don't have to shell out Taxpayer Money to in order to get it accomplished in between Paid Cleanup Crews they have to Fund and Pay.

I'm finding New Blogs to Read and enjoy, since, I've been staying Home a lot and when I'm relaxing it's usually here Online Blogging or Reading them now.  So, Welcome to any New Dear Visitors as well who may be falling down my Rabbit Hole for the 1st time as well.  I'm seeing Visitors is up so perhaps a lot of folks are doing the same?  I don't know how many Bloggers are New to Blogging, even most of the 'New To Me' Blogs aren't New and have been Blogging a long time usually.  I've been Blogging since 2009 but purge my Archives a lot to only keep about 20 current Posts up at any given time.  I never go thru Years worth of Archived Posts anywhere, but someplace New I'll read back a few Posts in their Saved Archives. 

I'm getting The Man ready this Morning in Real Time to go do our Taxes and get that out of the way and behind us.  His Health is worrisome to me so I don't like to make him do too much on any given day now, but some things must be done and Taxes is one of them.  Tick-Tock, it's already the 6th in Real Time.  And a lot of my Calendar was stacked with other Appointments well past the 15th Deadline, so, it had to be done on the 6th to get it done at all on time now.  Had we gotten that Military 1099-R on time for his VA Pension then we could have filed earlier, every Year they delay sending it until almost the very last Minute and only AFTER we realize they didn't sent it again and have to request it specifically!!!  WTF?!  They ARE the Government, they know what they're Legally required to do, so just do it.

There is nothing more than I would like than to know we'd be getting a Refund since the first time this Administration cocked it all up the 1st time they took Office in 2016, but I know we'll Owe, I just don't know how much?   And to be Fair, even under Uncle Joe we Owed too, so I don't know how we went from getting Refunds when we worked as prosperous Careers to Owing as Retirees on a much lower Fixed Income?  Or our Grandchild working a Minimum Wage Job with reduced Hours, that is a Poverty Income she couldn't even afford Rent on or to fully Support herself if she still didn't live at Home with us, also Owing, how does that even Square?   Or The Son getting Laid Off for part of 2025 and needing ACA Health Insurance Subsidy, now also Owing almost a couple Grand and having to pay back ALL of that Subsidy in a Federal "Claw Back"?

The Daughter has told me she's Glad she's a Convicted Felon and can't Vote and be responsible or Guilty for Electing any of these Criminals Leading the Country.  Who are also now Convicted Felons, yet somehow he can still Vote, how's that Work coz she only ever got One Felony Conviction and can't Vote, he's got in excess of 30 for much more Serious Crimes?!   Oh, and he Votes by Mail, along with the rest of his Family also Voting by Mail, when they claim it's rigging the Vote when you don't Vote in Person! WTF?   Such hypocrisy and tiered Justice always doesn't go unnoticed, except by the most ignorant and uninformed.  And we sure got a lot of them these days, the dumbing down of our Citizenry knows no bounds apparently, Stupidity and outrageous gullibility seem at an all time high in fact.  But, I won't Wind my Ass Up about all of that in this Post... you're Welcome.  *LOL*

The Dear Granddaughter is covering our Taxes and the Preparation Fee for  us this Year so I don't Owe Uncle Sugar Money we don't have, or go Postal about it, Bless her, and so as to also Restore my Calm.   She knows that I'm so close to The Edge these Days it would only take a slight Push... so, don't Push me coz I'm close to The Edge, I'm trying not to lose my Head... uh huh uh huh.  It's like a Jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from goin' under... {Cue in Lyrics to 'The Message' by Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five ~ 1982}.  *Smiles*   I've tempered any Post Ranting with some Old Food Porn Images I dredged up out of my Photo Archives... you're Welcome... or... you now Hate me and are Hangry... whichever?  *Winks*

This is one of the Granddaughters in Mexico, the Middle one of the Trio that are Younger Sisters of The G-Kid Force I Raised.  She's the one that looks exactly like I did at her Age so it's really Freaky to see a Grandchild being your Clone as they're growing up!!!  She used to have Lighter Eyes that we thought would remain Grey like mine, and they're constantly changing Color now and look more and more like her Brother's Green Eyes, only Darker, in this Photo they almost seem a Dark Grey-Olive Green.  And, she could be also popping in Colored Contacts coz she does Dye her Naturally Blonde Hair a Dark Color, so she doesn't look so Weta there in Mexico, where being of Mixed Race, and especially half American, can be very Tough.  She and her Older Brother have the most striking Color Eyes that do change Color depending on what they wear and their Mood.  

His are more a Green-Amber.   So can be very Green or the Color of a Tiger's Eyes.  He HATES when people tell him he's got Beautiful Eyes.  *LOL*  I think most Guys don't like to be told that, whereas Women take it as the Compliment it is and is meant to be.  *Smiles*A very Old Childhood Halloween Close-Up of The Young Prince when he was not already Grown and would still let me do Closeups of him.  *LOL*  Now he's almost 26, he's really reluctant to let me take Pixs of him at all and is elusive when he sees Gramma in Pathological Picture Taker Mode.  Or even Manic Blogger Mode, he'd rather not be the Subject matter these days.  *Winks*  They Grow Up so damned Fast, don't they?  I can't Believe we have Middle Aged Grandkids already and even our Great-Grandkids are Growing Up so damned Fast I can't hardly keep Pace, Whoa!!! 

 They do say Time speeds up in your Senior Years and they weren't kidding, it's Warping by me.  One would think it would slow down as you Age instead, Right?  Nope.  Childhood is what seemed to linger longer.  And then there's this Blast From the Distant Past of this lil Diva Minx, Princess T, now 20 and will be coming of Age this Year and turn 21, she can hardly wait.  She's the Tax-Payer Savior I speak of.  *Smiles*  Her Eyes are as Black as Coal so they sparkle with Mischief.  She's a really Good Kid tho', our Golden Child, every Family should have at least One.  She was our last one to Raise of the Two Generations we Raised of Kiddos well into our Senior Years.  Especially if you've Survived a slew of Prodigals and Wild Child types to Raise, you really appreciate having a Golden Child, it almost throws you off.  She used to make up her own Rules coz she said we didn't have Enough!!!  Actually we were just very Tired, The Man being over 70 before she was Grown and me not far behind him.  *Ha ha ha*

You can tell how Busted Raising Two Generations to Adulthood took a Toll on Yours Truly and made me look,  This was me about halfway thru getting the G-Kid Force 2nd Generation Raised.  I was a fairly presentable looking Gramma back then still, almost Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed for a Senior, and already had several Adult Grandkids by then and had been Caregiving a long time too.  But, Fast forward to me now and you can see how I had the Tolls of Extreme Caregiving and Raising too many Generations of Kids, really make you look absolutely fucking Busted and prematurely Ages you considerably!!!  *Le Sigh*  I look in the Mirror now and say, Damn it, Woman, you're falling apart at the damned Seams and look Rode Hard and put away Wet... Jesus Christ the Miles are a Roadmap now Written all over ya!!!  *LOL*  But, I Lasted, and Honestly, when Raising Grandkids that's all I kept Praying for, just LAST 'til they're Grown!!!  Coz you're all they got.  So, Lasting I did, Victory!  *Smiles*

We got our Taxes done and our New CPA this year is a Retired Astrophysicist who just enjoys Numbers and does this to stay busy just Seasonally.  Our Old CPA Retired after last Year, he was an Older East Indian Man who'd been doing it a very long time, but for the same Company we always use.  We knew he was Retiring and since he was in his 70's, he was just ready to enjoy Retirement now, I don't blame him.  Might as well draw some of his Social Security before he Dies.  Anyway, we Owed again, just slightly less than last Year.  The Senior Social Security Credit didn't really make a big difference since you only get $6,000 each you're not Taxed on of your Social Security.  They should just make all of it Non-Taxable IMO.   I think once you're Retired and on a Fixed Income, you won't even keep Pace with Inflation and you've Paid enuf Taxes in your Lifetime already.

 You got less this Year as a Dependent Credit too and this Year we could only claim The Daughter coz Princess T now has a Job and has to file her Taxes.  You only got a $500 Credit for a Dependent or Disabled Child of any Age.   Princess T owed too so I knew for damned sure we were gonna with our combined Pensions/Social Security Income.  I don't care how far below the Poverty Income Level you are now, you'll Owe!  Be a Billionaire if you don't wanna Owe/Pay Taxes ever.  That seems to be the Criteria now.  If you're Obscenely Rich, you get by with not paying your Fair Share and they just Squeeze the rest of us for every Cent they can and keep changing the Criteria constantly.  The Tax Credit on Vehicle Interest is only for New Vehicles, $10,000 Credit for a 2025 Vehicle, not worth buying a new one just to get that low a Credit on Interest Paid.  I don't even buy a Vehicle unless the Dealer Totes the Note and gives me 0% Interest or very low Interest anyway.  And they gotta also Comp me a lot of shit too.

Anyway, Princess T covered it and was fine with how much it was, which was just under Two Grand again, including Filing Costs with a Refund from the State, which offset some of the Squeeze of Owing.  We just go with Standard Deductions now coz we don't have enuf deductions to make Long Form more beneficial, it wouldn't be.  It took about an Hour, which was good coz The Man wasn't feeling all that Well, his Feet and Legs are swelling up and he has trouble Breathing when it's Windy and lots of particulates in the air.  Today it was almost Cold and very Windy all day long, so it was actually Nice Outside and I did some Environmental Cleanup at a County Park.  And picked up all the forgotten Plastic Easter Eggs too, got a whole Bag of them filled with Candy again this Year.  I think the Kids must lose Interest at some point and quit looking for hunting them?  *LOL*  It's not like they were hidden hard.

I also saw a 5 Foot long Rattlesnake at the Park, they're out and about this time of Year and mostly when folks get bitten.  Usually when you see one there's another one close by so I kept my Eyes out for it's mate, didn't see it tho'.  They blend in so well with their Environment you have to keep sharp Eyes out for them or you'd literally step on one before you knew it was even there!!!   My Eyes locked onto it and thought, is that what I think it is?!  Yep, yep it is, so I kept my distance and it knew I'd seen it and slithered off, generally they're not aggressive unless they're shedding, and they know you're too big to Eat so they'd rather not waste venom on biting you if they don't feel you're an imminent threat.  It was a pretty big Snake tho' with a significant amount of Rattles on it's Tail. Pretty sure it was hunting.  I was gonna take a Pix of it but it took off and I couldn't get my Phone out in time to.

I don't think as many folks Celebrated Easter at the County Park this Year, it looked way too Clean this Morning and last Year it was still messy the Morning After Easter.   Either that or Park Services was really on the Ball this Year cleaning up behind the Celebrations, I dunno?  Not even that many Cans.  But, at the River Preserve it was Can-Palooza of discarded Aluminum Cans.   And the River was running really fast and really high, so they must be getting a lot of Rain North of us for that volume of Water to be coming down the Gila River like that.  It was flooding it's Banks actually, and hasn't done that for a couple Seasons now.  It stayed so nice all day that I didn't come Home until after 2:00 p.m. and just picked up an inexpensive Pizza, Wings and Bread Sticks from "Little Caesars" for the Family.  The Manager comped me some things coz they didn't have what should be Hot N Ready, so I had to wait for the Order.

This is The Man's Rattlesnake Taxidermy Walking Cane, he kept knocking the Fangs out of it's head using it so now it's just Decoration and Fangless.  *Smiles*  I always try to Buy him very unusual attractive Canes so he'll actually use them coz it will get a lot of Compliments and people will ask him about them, that's the only way he'll consistently use one.  *Eye Roll*  He's using his Skull Cane a lot right now coz it gets tons of Compliments every time he is out and about with it and won't use his Walker the VA gave him.  He's so Stubborn but I can't risk him falling and with his Legs not working good right now and his current Mobility issues becoming problematic once again, I insist he use his Medical Equipment, so we have those Battles all the time now when he's resistant to.

Another Battle we have to wage constantly with him now is Showering, he resists and thinks he "just" had one, when, it might have been more time in between him having had one.  He won't voluntarily even practice personal Hygiene anymore, so I have to do it for him and remind him of it, make him change his Clothing, Wash, Shower, take Food away he hasn't eaten, comb his Hair and fight him about trimming/cutting it or his Beard.  It can be a lot to just get compliance every day when someone resists it all now and stubbornly insists they ARE clean and wearing something different that they aren't.  I swear he'd wear the same Clothing until it fell off of him if he didn't have a Caregiver and no telling when he'd Shower, Eat, put Trash/Food in the Garbage or take it out of his Living Spaces?!  Or even take his Medications.  So, it is evident he requires Full Time Care and could never live Independently or Safely without Help.

 

The Young Prince is the same, clearly he could never live Independently either and be Sanitary or Safe if he didn't have a Caregiver and I've got to make that crystal fucking clear to Social Security during this newest Evaluation.  Legally we aren't required to Care for a 25 Year Old SMI Grandchild/Adult Child or Relative of any kind.  So I don't want the State shirking their duty to Qualify him for Service, any Services, just becoz he has Family who DO Care about him and have taken him in so he wouldn't be one of the destitute ones abandoned by the State and by Society.  You don't see Developmentally Disabled People forsaken like the Seriously Mentally Ill are with no Shelter, Food or access to Clean Water or Safety.   It's good that they aren't, but it's shameful Society and the State feels perfectly Fine with forsaking those with SMI that way and leaving them destitute and fending for themselves on the Streets, if they even can Survive it.

 

I am so fucking fed up with shouldering the Responsibility and all of the expense, becoz the State won't.   And Services have been so gutted as to feel NO compassion or commitment to do what's Humane for those with SMI or what becomes of them.   I have Friends who have Developmentally Disabled Adult Loved Ones and they can't seem to understand we never Qualify for the Services they've been able to Qualify for, but, it's not a level playing field when it's all being parsed out.   If The Young Prince, for example, had Downs Syndrome, was Catatonic, had debilitating Seizures that caused extensive Brain Damage, or other Developmental Disability, he'd more easily Qualify for Services, Expanded Services when required, and Assistance Backup for his Caregiver too.  

He wouldn't be left with no Shelter, no Food, no Income, no access to Clean Water and just be left on the Streets to fend for himself if Family didn't take him in.  But we do that to those with Serious Mental Illness all of the time, they are often a large percentile of the Unhoused and Forsaken of Society.   And it just angers me becoz they are all Human Beings and if they haven't got the capacity to Care for themselves or be Safe and make rational Decisions for Survival, they do Need the same Help that someone with a Developmental Disability would struggle with too.  Yet, many are Denied it or are on endless Appeal IF they even have Advocacy to help them thru the Process that they also aren't capable of Navigating on their own successfully to apply for, qualify for, and receive any Services parsed out.  The Young Prince wouldn't even have an Address, or a Bank Account to receive any Benefits to if I didn't set one up FOR him and allow him to live here.

This Morning, which in Real Time is a Tuesday, I woke up with a Sour Stomach and the Trots.  Could just be Stress induced coz I don't think I ate anything at all that would have or should have caused it.  I don't feel Sick otherwise, so don't think I'm coming down with something causing it either?   We do have the Physical Therapist being sent to our Home for The Man, John.  I don't know what kind of PT they're doing and now some Respiratory Therapist Private Contractor is contacting us that is trying to set up Services for his Breathing too.  She's very pushy that one.  We were on our way out the door to do our Taxes when she made initial contact and wouldn't take No, we can't set anything up right now and this is Why, it's not a good Time.  She wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept pushing, so I finally told her, listen, I told you I'm on our way out the Door for an Appointment we must get to, and you're holding us up, so I'm going to hang up now... and I just did.

 

They get all kinds of excited when they know he has Three Insurances with the VA, TriCare For Life, and a HUMANA Medicare Advantage Plan, so they get Thirsty for the Business.  If you lacked Insurance they wouldn't give a shit how necessary their Services were, they wouldn't even give you the time of day.   So, I don't like aggressive pushing of their Services coz it's a profitable Insurance shoo-in for them.  And I want to be sure what it is, whose referring, why, and is it necessary or just add ons to inflate profits?   If it's not gonna be Helpful to him, then I don't want to clutter up the Calendar with even more Appointments, I'm already buried in Appointments for him that are necessary.  So, it's the polar opposite of what happens with the SMI Loved Ones, sometimes with Elderly Loved Ones, they try to push too much on you in the way of Services coz they know it's presently Funded.  If it some day fails to be, they won't give a shit about the Elderly either. 

I'm not a Wasteful Person, so I won't Sign Up for Services that I don't Need or aren't Necessary just becoz it won't be an Outlay for me but some other Coverage would have to Pay for it.  That's not who I am.  If I don't have Need I won't accept a Service offered just coz it would be Free to me.  So I always decline if a Service is being offered that we don't actually have Need of, let that go to someone who does have Need of it, since Resources I'm sure are finite and not infinitely available to all.  I don't wanna use up precious Resources or Services that someone Needy might actually Need and I don't have Need of.  And if something isn't working for us, even if we had the Need, but find it's not actually Helping, I see no Need to continue with it if no Positive results are evident.  It puts him thru stuff that isn't effective and I limit what I require of him to have to do if it's futile.  He gets overwhelmed if too much is just Too Much, you know?  I get overwhelmed too.

Some of the Medicare Advantage Plans insist on sending their Team in to assess you Annually tho', even if a Home Nurse Visit is being regularly provided by another Agency.  So, we comply if it's required.  We got a VA Nurse AND a Physical Therapist Scheduled for just Today!  And apparently the Specialists now want him to have some expanded Care in the Home to help with his Heart/Respiratory Issues which are indeed failing him and diminishing in ability to be optimally functional.  Not ruse so am Verifying that.  So, I will agree to SOME Physical Therapy if he is able to do it.  But, I remember when my Dad was Dying, he was not gonna get better, he was very near The End, and they kept trying to push PT on him and he didn't wanna be bothered.  He'd accepted it was his time and that it was close, so what was the fucking Point except to Pad someone's Bill?   And finally we had to run off the aggressive tactics to try to impose PT on Dad and leave him in Peace to just Die, without making him Exercise until his last Dying Breathe!  He finally told the Therapist, Listen, I don't think I have to be in Good Physical Shape for Heaven, so, I'm Good to Go as I am.  *LOL*

The Man hasn't been given a Terminal Diagnosis, but he's 74 with failing Health and a ton of comorbidities that they can't Fix and he won't be Healing from or getting 'Better' from, we've accepted the Reality of the obvious.  So, he only wants to do whatever PT may help with prolonging Mobility as long as we can and Breathing without struggling to catch a Breathe, and be in good enuf Condition to remain in the Home and be met by us at his Point of Need, that's all.  He doesn't want a Gym worthy Workout now, he's not up to it, not Physically, not Mentally or even Emotionally.  If he can't do something, don't try to force him to keep trying to do it, that's only upsetting to him actually and disrespectful, he's a Proud Man and it's hard enuf he realizes he can't fucking do it anymore without you reminding him by trying and failing to.  So, we'll see what John will require with this PT and if it's Helpful and if he can even do it?  The Respiratory Pusher will call again later Today after 3:00  p.m. when I told her I have Time to Deal with all that and fit her in.  *Winks*  

I know she was calling from an Outsourced Provider in the Philippines and Bless her, mebbe she doesn't get Paid if she doesn't get us Signed Up, I dunno?  But damn, she was aggressively going Hard to the point I felt I was Battling this Woman on the Phone.  I Won the Battle, but, I knew she'd be persistent, and I got loads of Questions for her before I accept their Services.   Coz some are just drumming up Business on their own and weren't referred by anyone or for a damned thing going on... they're like Ambulance Chasers and might have Bought your Information, which, is always For Sale out there.  Pushing whatever they offer and can fuck up what you already have Coverage for... coz it isn't always covered and so I am hesitant to Agree to anything at all unless I know whose the Referring Doctor or who are these people associated with and their credentials.  I'm not that Senior that gets Conned into approving or accepting every Caller Selling something.  So, gotta make sure it's legit???  Seniors get Victimized a lot by those types of Companies and Con Artists.

If his Docs didn't specifically Refer us to you, I'm not Interested.  If our Insurances didn't provide what's being sent, I also am not Interested coz I'm not paying out of Pocket for a damned thing you provide.   And I will verify everything before accepting anything.  I will call HUMANA or the VA and Medicare, and his Docs, to see if they made a Referral and is this one legit and necessary?  It's a lot of follow-up on my part and I resent how much of it you are required to do so you don't get roped in to some Telemarketing Scheme from Medical Providers Ambulance Chasing.  Directly after you've had some Medical Emergency, Crisis, or Accident, which is consuming enough.  But it happens all the time directly after a Hospitalization or Accident, so I know the information is being passed around and Marketed.  Everything and Everyone is For Sale these days so someone can make a Buck off of it.

*******

Good thing I got the Mania going on right now so I have the Energy levels to Deal with it ... Dawn... The Bohemian