Monday, August 20, 2018

Sweet Salvage ~ "7" Market Birthday Finale'

The SWEET SALVAGE 7th Birthday Bash is now a wrap but of coarse I was pathologically picture taking and many turned out okay for this Event to Share here in the Land of Blog.   So here we go, the finale' of Imagery taken as both SWEET SALVAGE and I Celebrated our Birthdays!

I probably should be up trying to finish the endless Black Wall Painting Project Upstairs in the Meditation Room, instead I'm still in my jammies past Noon and Blogging!   Such as it goes lately at Villa Boheme' after I get Princess T off to School, I feel more like languishing than working and so I just have!

Now of coarse Villa Boheme' shows the ambivalence and neglect I've subjected it to in recent times, but as one Friend said, yeah, but yours is at least a 'Pretty' Mess!   *Smiles*   I liked that assessment, it made me feel a tad less guilty, because it is rather like walking into one of those Shops that has great stuff, but in complete disarray!  *LOL*

I'm in complete disarray lately, mostly internally, and since the Home is reflective of the Owner's Essence, I suppose it's all quite fitting and an external visual of the inner turmoil!   I'm trying to sort out Life right now and compartmentalize stuff... both figuratively and literally.

I am an inquisitive person and so I wanted to figure out WHY I was feeling the Need to do this?   So this was Interesting when I looked up the Psychology of it:

Compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

Yeah, that would be an appropriate reason, even subconsciously, for WHY I'm doing THAT... bwahahahahaha!   As you know, if you've been reading the Old Blog since our Epic Move, I AM very conflicted about being here at Villa Boheme' and of completely disengaging from Old Bohemian Valhalla and it's Community, which I still Love way more.   I have Needed defense mechanisms and coping skills to move thru all this as best I can and still function optimally.

The conflict is deeper than just at the visceral level, I KNOW we're much better off here in so many ways that I should be feeling Blessed at the opportunity to Move On Up and enjoy more Privilege, as did The Jeffersons in the Old Sitcom.   Coming from da Hood to a more affluent Community and a for real Luxury Home should Feel better!  It surprised me that it didn't, quite the opposite in fact, I've never FELT worse about any move, ever!

I've always felt quite confident in my decision making skills because I don't make big or important decisions hastily.  I am very methodical and a due diligence kinda Gal, even under coercion, which this move definitely was, no doubt about that.  I fought The System for years with the Adoption Process, I looked at alternative housing for well over a year before choosing this one once I knew it just HAD to happen to finalize everything and eradicate some major problems.

I don't think I could have chosen a better Home or gotten a better Deal in probably a better Area that was within our means.  Even if it was at the top end of our means, which I've never lived that close to my margins before, I always chose instead to live well below our means on purpose.  And that part does bother me, being a retired Bank Executive and all.  *LOL*

No, seriously, the Old Banker in me is so frugal that it's an inside Joke within the Family and among Friends who know me very well.   I'm always thinking upon the back end of any Deal, how much Money I'll make off whatever I'm Investing in.  If there's no margin for profiting, or Heaven Forbid of losing money *Gasp*, I'll Pass.  *Smiles*

The Luxury Home Market was seriously in the crapper when I bought this one, blood in the streets for buying Real Estate is better timing than during a strong Economy.   Most people shy away from major fancy purchases during crap Economic times, I don't, that's when I'm likely to Invest bigger.  It always rebounds, it is rebounding significantly already, but slower than I'd like if I wanted to Exit Stage Left from Villa Boheme' anytime soon.

And I Invested in Solar since we live in an Ideal Climate for Solar Power and this is a ridiculously large Home so it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Suffice to say if  you wanna be talked into Solar, don't talk to me, I'm not a Fan and will talk you out of it... not that it doesn't Work, the Panels Work as they should, mine are producing Energy well.  The System in place that regulates it all Sucks tho' and seems shady as Hell. From the Truth in Disclosure being grossly inaccurate, to the Lending practices to the Utility Companies handling of the Solar Customer and any potential alleged Savings.  Don't get on board yet til they work that shit out way better and come clean about shady shit now being the norm to get 'em Sold and profit Utility Companies and Lenders underwriting the Programs!

Plus if you don't pay Cash for your Solar so that you own it free and clear, and Trust me it's expensive so hardly anyone really does and some are even Leasing rather than Buying due to that expense, if you Sell the Home, someone has to qualify to assume that Loan and not just roll the cost into your Ask price and pay it off upon close of Escrow.   Surprise, surprise, I didn't realize that and so now in order to Sell this joint I have to consider that added complexity to any Buyer Qualifying and potentially defaulting.   I don't like anyone assuming anything in my Good Name and just taking over payments, too risky, too many flaky people, too many buying shit they can't really afford, plus Life happens to us all so even in the best of Families shit can and does happen.

I didn't spend almost two decades running Collection, Foreclosure and Bankruptcy Departments for Major Financial Institutions and not see what CAN happen to almost anyone at almost anytime.   Nobody is immune to Life just happening and if it hasn't happened to YOU yet where Life throws you a real humdinger, just keep on Living.   That's not pessimism, that's just reality folks, if you manage to get thru Living and it's been a Perfect Life with no curve balls thrown at you, well, you've led a Charmed Life to be sure my Friend!

And to those who feel smug that 'it', whatever 'it' is, won't happen to THEM... I stand clear because when the Lightening strikes, it's probably going to be particularly bad for them just to wipe the smug off their faces and snap em out of the delusion that they're immune to whatever 'it' is happening to anyone else!  I've seen it happen too many times, even happened to me once when I said, out loud, to a Dear Friend raising her lone Grandchild, that I'd NEVER raise a Grandchild!  *Uh Oh!*  Now we both laugh hysterically when she points out my TWO I'm raising and says, "Uh... wait, are THOSE the Grandkids {plural} you were Never raising Dawn?"   Eating Crow with double for good measure just to Teach you to NEVER say what you'll NEVER do is a lot to swallow my Friends!  *Winks*

Her Grandchild is now Grown and Raised, turned out to be such a Handsome, Kind, Intelligent Young Man and is in College with a Lovely Girlfriend.  I was present at his Birth so it's just Awesome when everything turns out Well in the End, you know!   I've now got one of my Grandkids I'm raising grown into Adulthood and eager to find his way in Life.  If you just do the Right thing and stay the Course, even if it's the Hard thing, there is much satisfaction in it.  I know I did the Right thing moving too... it was the Hard thing... it continues to be just Hard, some days more than others... we move thru it and try not to look back too much and live with just the regrets or sorrows.

I just watched a documentary on Sunray Kelley and Sage Stoneman building The Mushroom House on Sunray's Land in Washington State for his Adult Son and Family.   There is a very big piece of me that prefers Hippie Living, tho' The Man was never an Old Hippie and so it wouldn't be his chosen Lifestyle, I do think more than a little bit of me has rubbed off after all these years and he's almost Down for anything Crazy I might do.  *LMAO*   Could you, would you Live Happily Ever After in a Community such as this I says as we watch the episode... Yeah, he says, I think I would, I might even fit in with Your Tribe of People he says Smiling broadly.  That's what I Love about him, he's All In, the Ole' Marine Corps Adapt and Improvise Philosophy!

I'm presently sorting a lot of stuff out for the long range Future and what it might look like, how we want to live permanently in our most Golden of Years?  We had to delay a lot of that due to raising a 2nd Generation of Children, which was unexpected and raising Kiddos takes up a couple decades or more at least depending on the age spread of them all from Oldest to Youngest.  But Hopefully, God be willing, and the Creek don't rise... we've got one more to get raised to Adulthood in about 5 Years or so.   The Younger Siblings may or may not ever come to live with us, we cannot predict all that and so I won't.

Here I am Pathologically Picture Taking with my Image reflecting in this Amazing Antique Hall Mirror!   I've had a couple random Young people I don't even know stop me lately and say they've been seeing the progression of how fast my Dreads are growing and coming along nicely!  Isn't that funny, how you may not even realize people notice you regularly where ever your habits might take you?  Each of these Young Adults said they either had Dreads or want them and watching mine develop and mature has made them want their own, so we talked about it.  Not everyone will choose the same Path with theirs but they typically want to ask about your Path with yours if they like how yours are.

I like how mine are, my Grandson likes them enough now he's eager to get his own when we can afford to go get it done by Ginger, who did mine.   I think he will look Handsome with them and it will make his high maintenance very thick hair more manageable for him, especially since he's still just keeping a Mohawk of long Hair and keeping the sides and back shaved even when he gets Dreads.  He knows most Employers are not as Uptight anymore as they used to be about everything, tho' some still are, they aren't who you wanna work for anyway, I'm of that opinion that repression and oppression in the Workforce is just wrong.

Back in da day it was worse, I had to shed my Hippie ways considerably to pursue the very successful Corporate Lives I had for most of my Adult Life.  I made a lot of Money but I Hated the repression and oppression of being told how to look.  The Image promoted and all that bullshit Society often imposes on people by setting their Standard upon us all and enforcing it to make everyone comply and follow the herd.  I am not a very compliant person, all my Children and Grandchildren tend to take after me that way, we don't Conform easily nor do we even want to, we may choose to sometimes, but under protest. *LOL*

It is very easy to Lose oneself by Conforming and being stuffed into The Box and forced to color within The Lines.   After Semi-Retirement, since I've never had the real Luxury of Full-Retirement yet, and am not opposed to Working anyway, I just went back to Being Me as I'm just meant to be.  *Contented Sigh*  It's very Empowering and Wonderfully Liberating to cease compromising, fuck conforming and just no longer choose to comply because you don't Care to. In order to Be Yourself or even to Find Yourself after too much repression or oppression by any System or group of folks telling you how it ought to Be, you can Wonder why you ever played their Game at all? 

I do Believe that Destiny and Purpose do Line Up a certain kind of way and so every Path chosen, every decision made, brings you to where you're now at and so it's all Good in the Grand Scheme of it all.   Do I Wish I'd just stayed a Hippie and taken a different Path for a different Outcome?   Well, since I'm not sure where that Path would have taken me or what that Outcome might have been or looked like I doubt it.   Tho' Fantasizing about it is sometimes Fun to Imagine the Possibilities that could have played out and some of the Experiences it might have led to.  I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have met some of the Important People who shaped my Destiny tho' and I wouldn't have changed that for any other Experiences.

Some very pivotal and important People in my Life have not been other Old Hippies, even The Man is not an Old Hippie and many Friends have not been either, tho' some have been.   So Destiny was shaped by a variety of folks not at all like myself, who had a variety of different Essences, Aesthetic and Lifestyle and that's good.  Variety is in fact the Spice of Life and exposure to different types of people is important in order to broaden your Horizons.  I like broad Horizons and not narrow limiting ones.

I liked this Quote of this Salvage Window for that very reason... our Friends often reflect who WE are... even Good Character is corrupted by Bad Company.  I'm very choosy about the Company I Keep and I make no apologies for that.  I am Civil and Kind to all and have many Acquaintances.   But to become a Friend to anyone is a privilege and not a Right, it really does have to be Earned and Nurtured in so many ways or the Relationship will not thrive nor perhaps even survive.  Strong Relationships take Investment and Cultivation.

I know part of the Restlessness I've felt since moving here has been the shallowness of the Community at large, it is not close knit nor Invested in one another nor Cultivated over Time.   This subdivision has been here for about 15 Years and is still growing in size, but not in substance as a Community and that's very Sad despite the Privilege so apparent by how upscale an area it clearly is.   It's mostly a bunch of people just living in close proximity with one another in a very nice area, but without bothering to interact with one another, Invest in or become Involved with each other for the most part, or build a sense of actual Community.  There is a lot of Uptight and Pretentious behaviors and it's not becoming, it's extremely off-putting.  I think that is a sign of the Times more than a sign of this particular grouping and demographic of folks perhaps?

When I see the Polarization of our Nation currently it is a direct reflection upon the Times we live in where taking Sides seem more important than basic Humanity towards one another.   As an Old Hippie it is in direct conflict with my Philosophy of treating people and Living Life.   I Believe Kindness and Mutual Respect matters, to EVERYONE, whether or not I Share their views or Philosophies and preferences, their Religion or their Ancestral Heritage, their Generation or their Gender, their Socioeconomic standing or level of alleged Success or Failure, whatever it may be.

I've had Homeless Friends and I've had Friends worth Millions, their Friendship in each and every case was Priceless.   Society might have judged each of them differently but I didn't because what made them Special wasn't any level of Economic or Social Standing.   I've had Friends that made horrible Life decisions and I've had Friends that made great Life decisions, but WHO they were at their Core was infinitely more important than the collection or culmination of Life decisions they made and therefore had consequences of.  Every choice has a consequence, Life sorts that out, people learn or they don't, Success leaves clues and affords Options, Failure hopefully teaches Lessons about what doesn't Work.


I've enjoyed a great measure of Success and also that of Failure, it's been balanced enough to shape me in ways that were beneficial either way.  I haven't gotten this thing called Life completely figured out yet six decades plus into it, I think it's always a Process in Real Time that unfolds as it will and thus we're perpetually Learning something from the experiences of it.   Each of us will have different experiences and thus different filters and perspectives to view Life thru and I'm Mindful of that.  My experience is not your experience and vice versa.

I recently had an interesting conversation with a Friend that felt we no longer Judge people enough and thus many feel they can just do or say anything nowadays and Society has become accepting and too PC of the unacceptable.  I contemplated that viewpoint since it is in direct opposition to my own, in that being Judgmental is something I try not to do intentionally.  I don't know everyone's back story or what prompts behaviors and attitudes to be as they are, and tho' I feel there is never a good excuse for bad behavior... bad behavior typically has a Source.  Behavior tolerated is behavior accepted tho' so it is important IMO to hold people accountable to what they say or do.

And in many ways that's just it isn't it, we all have different Opinions, Views, perhaps Opposing ones to someone else, but that doesn't mean we cannot still get along and be Respectful if we Desire to do so.   This Friend and I don't always agree but we can mutually respect one another, sustain a close Friendship and just sometimes agree to disagree even on very important issues.  It can still be done in Harmony and there does not have to be any Drama over it.  We can be Mature and Adult enough to weather disagreements or figure out healthy compromises that are mutually beneficial and not one sided, exclusively benefiting one but not the other.

I am a strong willed Person who likes to get my own way but I can Harmonize with others and make healthy compromises too when it is apparent that is necessary.   It's not all about me... it's not all about you either... the sooner each of us draws that important conclusion that we simply must share this Planet with everyone else, I think we'll all be the better for it.


Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Sweet Salvage And I Have A Birthday

So this year SWEET SALVAGE and I happened to Celebrate our Birthdays on the exact same day, they turned 7 and I'm slightly older of coarse!  *Winks*

There was Wine Tasting and Catering from Postino's, a Dress Up Photo Booth, suffice to say it was a very nice way to Celebrate my Special Day and theirs.

A Friend took me to Dinner later that Evening, the entire day from Sunup to Sundown went extremely Well and relieved a lot of stress I've been up under lately.

In Mi Vida Loca a day of de-stressing is almost a precursor to some epic Crisis unfolding tho' and my Birthday was no exception to that Murphy's Law Scenario playing out unfortunately!

It was a good thing I'd had some Wine Tasting to take the Edge Off actually so that I could handle the Emergency Call calmly that came in as I was driving Home late that Evening!

It was my DIL and I knew she wasn't calling at that late hour with Good News or just to Wish me a Happy Birthday!   The Son had just called me that very Morning before he went to Work to wish me a Happy Birthday, all had been Well then.

But Truth be told, for a couple of Weeks now I hadn't had a Peace about how he looks or his overall Health, even tho' he'd said nothing about it to alarm me.  Call it a Mother's Instinct and Intuition, you just have a Knowing when something is wrong with one of your Kiddos even if it hasn't been revealed yet.

Apparently for about the past two Weeks, about the same amount of time I've had this unknown foreboding, he's been having what appears to be Seizures.  He doesn't know he's having them, his Friends and the DIL have Witnessed them, didn't know what was going on, and didn't want to alarm me.

Apparently he was having a major one as they'd pulled off to the side of the road for her to Call me in a panic.  Hearing epic Seizure like sounds coming out of your Child over a Phone and miles away is absolutely terrifying!

By now I'd made it Home and since The Man has been a Paramedic I put it all on speaker phone while we had her Call 911 and stayed on the line with her to keep her Calm and tell her what to do until they arrived.

By the time they arrived it was the tail end of the Episode, which they Witnessed, but once he was coherent, or so they say he was, I'm not convinced, and refused transport since he had no idea he's having them and didn't know what was going on, they left him there for her to now try to deal with!

He was confused and not cooperative, but they made it home in one piece.  The next day I've talked to him during his break at Work to implore him to get this checked out.  To convince him that he's having Episodes that seem Seizure like and we have no idea what could be triggering them since he has no History of Seizures.

He does have a History of other extreme Chronic Health Issues and so I'm very concerned of coarse, especially since he's now only doing Day Labor in the Trades after a Layoff so has no steady job nor Insurance at the present time.

I have two of the Adult Children with Chronic extreme Health Issues and Disabilities, but no Insurance, it's a scary space to hold since you know they're not receiving adequate Health or Mental Health Care.

It is always iffy if they will qualify for any Assistance for Medical or Mental Health needs or not?   The Daughter is in Mexico so she definitely will not... The Son is Local but this State sucks with providing Health Care for the uninsured or under-insured in the population.

I dread having to help him navigate The System to see what he might qualify for to receive any Medical Treatment he can't pay Cash for or be turned away?  We've been down this road before, Obamacare didn't fix everything and this Administration is undoing what little did get fixed for those who cannot afford unaffordable Health Care.

It was not a good way to end a Wonderful Day of Birthday Celebrations, that I can tell you!   I've been in an Emotional downward cycle since the Call, knowing what incredible damage Seizure activity not managed or treated can do is scary shit!

Knowing what damage even with Treatment and Management Meds can do is about just as scary to me.   Not knowing what's going on until it's diagnosed is torturous and I Pray he won't just avoid seeking Diagnosis due to finances and fear?

Most Young and Middle Aged people I know are basically living paycheck to paycheck just like so many of us Retirees are nowadays.   Most cannot afford to miss many, if any, days of Work to be able to pay the bills and Rent.

Knowing that The Man and I are limited in just how much we can do for any Adult Child or Adult Grandchild is very hard.  Into Adulthood they must make their own way if Parents already have a full load, which we unfortunately do.

I feel spread about as thin as any person can possibly be already, it's exhausting without MORE piled on.   But Life piles on and doesn't really Care how much you're already carrying as a load.

There have been a lot of changes, not all have been Good.   I had made a vow to myself that I'd approach problems with more Positivity, I made the vow ON my Birthday, it was hard to remain Positive by the time the Night was even over!

You can't Do Life FOR other people nor make all the best choices for them, you have to just Trust they'll make the best choices for Self, even if they have impairments and 'Issues' that certain Disabling factors cause.

I remember vividly how painful that was to accept when each of my Parents reached that certain Age where they weren't making Good choices anymore and became vulnerable Adults.  Yet Adult Protective Services for years deemed them 'fit' to make their own choices and decisions, thus I just ran damage control constantly.

In the realm of Mental Health or Traumatic Brain Injury with the SMI Teen or Adult, or with a higher functional TBI one, you run into the same obstacles as a Loved One looking out for them.

They have the Right to refuse Care or refuse to take their Medication, you cannot force it upon them.   I struggle with finding the best methods to coax any of them into receiving Treatments or Meds that will manage conditions that have clearly gone Left.

In some cases those Meds do more Harm than Good... and have serious side effects, so I cannot tell you the Guilt Trip that lays upon the Caregiver or Loved Ones who convinced them it was the Best choice.

I know that Big Pharma Meds used to Treat Seizures are very controversial and many are extremely Addictive and can be very damaging.  I know how The Son feels about Bad Medicines, he's had more than his fair share of them to Treat Title 19 Disabilities he was diagnosed with from a very young age.

He quit his Med regimen at age 18 when he became an Adult, he's managed relatively Well except that he often self medicates, which is not uncommon and which causes an even more complicated Life.

It is very hard as a Loving Parent to watch any of your Children struggle with serious Issues... of any nature... and especially ones they were just born with and which have no Cures.

I always told my Kiddos that Life isn't Fair otherwise Bras wouldn't come in Sizes... and whatever Hand dealt, you just gotta Play it as best you can.  I feel they've Played their Hands dealt as best they can, for that I've been Proud even when they mess up or are a Hot Mess.

I myself feel pretty much like a Hot Mess lately, Coping hasn't been effortless and sometimes it hasn't been Successful either since there just is A LOT going on.   Having at least some of my Birthday play out Well was something I was Grateful and Appreciative for.

The next two days after the Birthday haven't been so swell... I hadn't even wanted to bother Blogging this Post or downloading my Images of the Birthday Day.   Having Elvis and now Dear Aretha pass on my Birthday was sorrowful, both were Music Icons and leave a void in that Industry!  

I also still have a partially painted Black Wall upstairs in the totally unfinished Meditation Room and stuff scattered all over the house in piles waiting for Placements!

I have been very Slack of late, I have had ample Don't Give A Fucks even tho' that's absolutely no way to Be.  It's not my usual state of Being and so it's not comfortable and I doubt I'll wallow there in discomfort, but it is a mired mess to get unstuck from and out of!

The Diabetic Thing is still not as stable as it could or should be, I'm up to several shots a day, I loathe giving myself each and every one of them... along with the handful of oral Meds this disease requires at this stage of it.

I have altered dietary habits considerably to accommodate it and I exercise and am more active than most people half my Age.   After all, I'm still raising Kids with Special Needs and taking Care of a Vulnerable Adult into my Sixties, so the pace hasn't eased up very much since I was half my Age!

Therefore I REALLY wanted to get this Shirt at the Event, alas, it wasn't in my size and was only a Medium so there was no modifying that was gonna make it Work either!   Dammit!!!  I'm pretty sure by the end of the Birthday Night and unfolding Crisis with The Son I probably looked like this actually!  *LOL*

I have been so exhausted and despairing of late that I've taken to long Midday Naps when I can.   Rest has a way of renewing me and I don't get nearly enough of it and so I take it whenever my body just says lay the Hell down and Sleep it off!

I have been having a Fantasy of Insurance Companies just funding regular Vacays to Exotic Locales for those of us who have Loved Ones that cannot be Cured and which cause Fucked Up Lives.   Why Not?  It would be cheaper than Treatment that doesn't Cure nor often Work and is so costly.

I think people could just Deal better with Incurable diagnosis and Dealing with the Insanity some of these Conditions cause in Daily Living if they at least knew they had a Week's Paid Vacation coming up somewhere Fabulous!

Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself in Caregiver Mode when I say Mi Vida Loca would be probably Coped with better with the backdrop of say Bora Bora for a Week of it, even if I had to take the whole Insane Posse along with me!  *LOL*

Sitting with my Toes in the Sand in some Tropical Paradise sipping a drink with a little umbrella being served up by some Handsome Polynesian Stud Muffin while Caregiving just wouldn't SEEM so bad that Week I think!?

I Wonder if any Insurances would take that seriously if it was put in the Suggestion Box, even the crappy ones that don't wanna pay for anything?   Probably not... but I do like to Dream Big.


Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl