Close Up Visuals And Personal Blogging

 

The Young Prince was Emotional coz Allen sent him the Money necessary to repair his expensive Phone and ensure he got thru until his Social Services here are able to be applied for.   Allen has always been Generous.  The Young Prince otherwise only has about $198 of Emergency Nutritional Assistance that New Mexico allows him to transfer to here and use until he can apply in a new State.   But, after that he has no Money of his own.  He's on our Phone Plan, but Allen had bought him a very expensive Phone, so it's worth Repairing and not Replacing.  But the Repairs were gonna cost more than Buying a New Cheap Phone.

 Boring Car Guy has been financially generous, they're getting along really well apparently and he's a CDL Driver of Rigs, so I guess that's what he does.  A few of our close Neighbors here on our Street are Truckers too and own their own Rigs.  The Young Prince said except for the Boring Car Conversations, BCG is very Intelligent and can talk about anything deeply, so he enjoys the Intellectual exchanges they have.  It can be hard for me to have the really DEEP Conversations my Grandson wants to have about topics that are way over my Head, so I'm glad he's found someone Intellectually on par with him, I'm not, doubt my IQ is anywhere close to 148.

   Allen was, that was the main attraction, Allen due to his Autism I suspect, was quite Genius.  He Fixated on really Deep Subject matter like Astrophysics.  His Hero is Elon Musk, he relates to Elon, I can see why. Even tho' he worked at a very demanding Manual Labor Job, he could have run the place and Top Management knew that about him.  He'd have the Owners of the Slaughterhouse often have Meetings with him to discuss how to best do things efficiently and improve the Business Model.  But, also, due to the Autism, he didn't want to be promoted to a managerial position coz he'd have to work with People... and... that could be a stretch for him... the Peopling part of it.  *LOL*  The same with The Son, they always wanted him to go into Management in The Trades, his Autism stood in the way, so he'd decline the offers.  Many of his Employers never understood why, I do.

Anyway, it also stands in the way of many of their Relationships for exactly the same reasons.  I know I have undiagnosed Adult Female Autism, not uncommon, the diagnosis for Female Children under the Age of 18 who have it is often missed, Females "Mask" better in Childhood, and by Adulthood "Mimic" to overcome a lot of the barriers the Autism has always presented to them.   I have co-occurring conditions, which is pretty common too, the OCD, ADHD, Sleep Disorder, heightened Sensitivities, Repetitive stimming to help me Self-Regulate, Fixation on specific things, Bipolar I disorder, easily triggered Aggression, and Social awkwardness coz I don't connect easily, all Track with having it, just not having it diagnosed formally.   I totally can relate to other folks on the Spectrum, many of their struggles are or have been my own.

The Son's Girlfriend is also an undiagnosed Adult Female with Autism, she did finally get diagnosed as an Adult, her Son also has it.  He got diagnosed very early, as did my Son.  The Son has it, it was painfully evident very early on too, and so she and he totally 'Get' each other as a Couple.  She finds it easy to Connect to me becoz she said she could tell I have it too.  She doesn't Connect to many People.  Even my own Family had trouble Connecting to me as a Child.  I was a very different kind of Child.  I was very advanced on an Intellectual level, but Connecting to People and Fitting In, was and still is really hard for me.  And I don't really WANT to either, a little bit of anyone can and does go a real long way with me.  *Smiles* 

 I do better Connecting on a Blog than I'd ever do in Real Life.  Becoz then I'd have to actually Work to get along with you no matter how great you all are.  *Smiles*  It would have nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with how I just am and always will be.  Autism doesn't get worse, but it doesn't get better either.  *Le Sigh*    I've had other Autistic People tell me that they could tell I have it too, even tho' I was quite Old before I suspected that was part of what was Wrong with me.  *LOL*  And Trust me, you know you are Different from an early Age.  I remember being in about Kindergarten and realizing, I'm not like these other Kids and I don't know Why... but, I definitely am!   And it's not like they and my Teachers don't Know it!!!  *LOL*

  You KNOW something is definitely Wrong and not Tracking with Garden Variety folks, but if you remain undiagnosed, you really don't know what it is that is Wrong, you just know you're quite Different.  And that People don't Like "Different" and often Fear it and have Strong Biases about it.   So you just imitate Socially more acceptable Behaviors so that Socially you can blend in better and not be such a Weirdo.  Tho' I am perfectly Fine being that Weirdo and those who are Close to me accept how Weird and Socially challenged I just am.   *Ha ha ha*

  My Teachers knew I was Bright, but really struggled to know what to do with me.  In those Days everyone got Mainstreamed, even the severely Developmentally Disabled Kids.  The savvy Teachers challenged me and taught me off the curriculum of my Classmates coz I'd lose Interest otherwise.  A 1st Grade Teacher gave me Algebra when she saw how Idiot Savant I was about Numbers and Money in particular.  *Bwahahaha*  I actually Suck at Math, but am great with Statistics and Financial shit or noticing when anything is 'Off' even slightly, it's a Super Power.  But, I couldn't even tell Time until about Jr. High School!  And Complex shit was easy and Simple shit was hard, I Aced every Test my Teachers gave me and Bored in Class to a degree I was a distraction to everyone around me.

I LIKE People, it's just that I'm Nice to all of them and Close to almost None of them, if that makes any sense?   And I'm satisfied with it being that way, I KNOW a lot of People, I almost seem to know everyone in Real Life, so long as it's relatively brief Interactions, I can Manage that.  Anything more Invested, then, well, I'm not all that comfortable coz it Drains me to put in the Work I know it will require of me to be that Close to you.   Thus, Relationships are tricky for me to sustain and until I was quite Mature, I wrecked a lot of my Relationships, especially Romantic ones.   If I am your Friend and allow you into my Inner Circle, I'm Ride or Die tho' and Loyal to a Fault, you know, the kind that would help you dispose of the Body type of Friend.  Even tho' I wouldn't be pleased you got a Body Count going on and implicated me now.  *Winks*

Hyperbole of coarse, but, my Friends know that if they are Close to me, I got their Back no matter what.   I think I bond with Cats more than Dogs becoz I do feel sometimes like the Human equivalent to a Cat in so many ways.  If you've studied Cat Behavior opposed to Dog Behavior, you'd understand the stark differences.  I'm definitely not a Pack Animal and abhor Herd or Hive Mentality too.  Google says it best if you key in the differences between Felines and Canines:  Cats are generally Solitary, Independent obligate Carnivores that Mark Territory and communicate via Scent.  While Dogs are Social Pack-oriented Omnivores that rely on Vocalizations, Body Language and Human Companionship.  

Dogs are more eager to Please... Cats really could give a Fuck about Pleasing anyone.  If you're a Cat Person or a Dog Person, you probably share Traits with your preferred Domestic Animal Species more?  I know I do.  I Like Dogs, I just never feel compelled to have one over having a Cat.   I actually Like that my Cats who've Shared Life with us are rather aloof about our Relationship.  I've had Dogs, mostly growing up coz my Parents were definitely Dog People, so we always had one, tho' we did have some Cats at times, but Siamese mostly, coz they're almost like having a Dog, if you are familiar with how different they are than most Cat Breeds?  

 They were actually developed with a very specific almost Un-Cat-Like set of Traits and Social Temperament.  Focusing on High Socialization, Intelligence, and a distinct Aesthetic, often Companions to Royalty in Ancient Thailand, they can form a Deep Bond with One Person, THEIR Person.  My Parents had Two huge magnificent looking Siamese Cats when I was an Infant/Toddler Aged and they Protected me much like a Family Dog would have.  The Female, Cho-Cho Sandara, I still have Memories of, for the life of me I can't recall the Name of the Male one right now, he had a very pretentious Name too.  *Bwahahaha*  My Mom was very Bougee about Naming her Animals.

I think I can be very Private in Real Life and Online not really Care about the Close-Ups Visually and being more Personal or even more Vulnerable.  Mostly due to a Strange Outlook I have about Caring.  I realize that in Real Life most people fail to Care, so why Share anything Personal, Intimate or particularly Vulnerable with the Uncaring?  It serves no Purpose whatsoever and I'm very Purposeful in damned near everything I do.  It bothers my Family sometimes that if something has no Purpose or Payoff, I'm just not gonna bother at all or even Pretend to think it's Important either.  Swipe Left and keep it Moving.  Is this Beneficial, is always my 1st Question?  If it isn't gonna be Helpful in any way, Serve no Purpose, or not have a Payoff, I'm just not wasting Time or Energy on it.  Blogging is different, to me this isn't even Serious, it's Enjoyable and Therapeutic.   It's like Art, it Feeds the Soul for me.

 

So, I don't really Care how much of myself is in my Art or in my Blog, once Created, I've moved past it instantly and will likely discard it without a Thought either.  It's not any attachment to the Outcome that I have... Temporary things that have no permanence I discard easily and freely.  That means People too if they are Temporary and unimportant Relationships to me.  Sorry, not sorry, they'll be just Fine with my absence, as I haven't Invested in Cultivating it further, kept it Superficial on Purpose, and they can go on their way too, Be Well and Be Gone.  I know, seems Cold, huh?  Or, so I've been told.  *LOL and Winks*  But, what if they wanted more, well, then they gotta get that from someone else, coz I wouldn't be The One, clearly.  I don't have the capacity to be and I know this about myself.

The Man has been a Constant only becoz he really Gets me even tho' he's nothing at all like me, we're Yin and Yang, opposites do indeed attract like that.   He knows that I require a certain amount of Apartness as well as the Togetherness Thing.  My Kiddos all know that too, they know that sometimes I don't want People around, and it's not Personal, it's how I recalibrate and regular myself to stay Centered and functional.  Otherwise shit would fall apart if anyone was too demanding of being Together all the time, I'd feel suffocated and smothered.  I'm not Interested in the least of being Together that much of the time with anyone I've ever met, no matter how Wonderful they are.  You're Great, now just leave me Alone for a while... Thank You... much Appreciated.  *Winks*

  

I can get Lost in anything Visual and especially Artsy tho', Lord have Mercy for me that is Endless Bliss.   And Nature, can't get enuf of being Alone in Nature, not that I wanna be some Recluse like The Man would be Happy and Content being.  The Wilderness too far removed is just not stimulating enuf for me, nor is Rural Life, I Bored so quickly with that and resented the disconnect from stimulating activities that Urban Life provides all of the time.   I can only do Get Away Vacays for perhaps 3 Days Tops, then I gotta Bounce.  The sameness of Days and the Simplicity when your Mind Spins, is just excruciating to endure for more than about 48 Hours before you would begin to go Mad I think!!!???  I almost went Mad in Rural Affluent Subdivision Hell, I hadda get out of there.  Pretentious and Arrogant folks were just too annoying too, and so Shallow, no Depth to them, even with one another.  Being Fake or disingenuous is something I can't and don't Trust in someone.  

 

You can Keep it 100 with me and no matter how difficult you being that way can be, I prefer it.  Authenticity and transparency matters to me I guess, so is Honesty and being Kind.   Hateful, Cruel and Dishonest folks, I just don't know how anyone bonds with them or wants to be around them?   I guess Birds of a Feather and all that must be the only logical explanation???  If you show yourself to be of that Tribe, then I am perfectly Fine with dropping you like a Rock.  No matter how long you may have had a pretty Believable facade you fooled everyone with, before Revealing your True Self to be that way.  Now that I Got your Number, and it's Exposed, yeah, Be Well and Be Gone... we can't be Friends anymore.  You've now repulsed me and made me Question your Character, your Moral Compass, and your very Essence.  I think the whole MAGA Movement sure Exposed a LOT of folks Real Selves, didn't it?

I went to "Lowe's" Plant Nursery and they were cheaper than "Home Depot" and give me a Military Discount.  So, I got some Bonsai Basil and some Spearmint... or was it Peppermint?   It was one or the other.  *LOL*   I have to get some more Miracle Gro Soil tho'.  The Talavera Pot I'm putting the Mint in is bigger than I thought it was.  I took The Man out for Breakfast and to walk around our Antique Mall hanging onto a Cart.  He's still unsteady on his Feet and even at the Restaurant struggled to sit in a Chair so I had him sit on the padded Bench Seat instead so he didn't miss the Chair!!!  I don't know what's going on with him, but his Brain and his Legs aren't in sync it seems, so I think it's more than Muscle Weakness.

I ordered the Seasonal Chimichurri Steak & Eggs Hash, it was Sublime.  He was having trouble ordering off the Menu too, confused, so I helped out with that, our Young Male Waiter was Patient and so Kind about it.  I ordered him the Salmon Bennie coz I knew he'd eat that without playing with it, he Loves Salmon and it looked as good as he said it tasted.  He didn't eat his Tater Home Fries but we just took that Home and the English Muffin his Bennie was on.  Getting the Salmon and Egg down him was enuf and I got sneaky with his Drink.  Which, to get him to have anything Healthful you have to be sneaky about it.

I ordered one of those Health Drinks of Juice that "First Watch" has called The Morning Meditation.  It's pretty and has Orange, Lemon, Turmeric, Organic Ginger, Agave Nectar and Beet.  He'd never order something like that for himself, but it looked pretty and he drank it all up unaware of the Health benefits.  *Winks and Chuckles*  He was Eyeballing it suspiciously tho' and I had to convince him it wasn't Alcoholic even tho' it is made at the Bar.  *LOL*  They do have boozy Drinks but we aren't Drinkers.  Mine was a delicious Honey Caramel Crunch Iced Coffee, Sublime and Editorial looking too!!!

They give Military Discounts too and it's only about a Block from our House, so very convenient.  I wasn't keeping him out long since I doubted he was really up to it but had been pouty that Yesterday I took both Grandkids out, but not him.  I just didn't need to risk him taking another Fall and he was wobbly as a Weeble that day, only Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, as the Kid's Commercial went.  *LOL*  Plus, he's "Over" having a Show of his Cane already!  Any of them.  *Le Sigh*  I knew he wouldn't use it, just act like he was All In while his VA Nurse was here and made a big Show of having it with him like he was gonna use it consistently now to avoid another Fall.  *Eye Roll*  He'll Promise to use it if I say it's a prerequisite for taking him out.  And then... once he's out and about, he's battling you about using it then, to where I'm just gonna get upset with him.

You know when you have an uncooperative Toddler in tow?  In Public.  Well, it's rather like THAT once he's already been taken out after Promising to Behave.  *Huge Sigh and Big Eye Roll*  So, if he's too belligerent, then Home we go and abort whatever it was we were gonna do, but, it really doesn't make any impact for next time, he's forgotten already that his misbehavior had consequences.  So, whaddya gonna do?  And, furthermore, he'll swear he did Behave and I was just being Mean Spirited.   Oh, Lord... the Kiddos can tell by my Resting Bitch Face that Dad/Grandpa is now telling Stories.  *Bwahahahahaha*  

 

This is why I'm certain it's the same reason Donnie Two Dolls makes shit up all the time no matter how outrageous, he's way more Far Gone with Dementia than my Old Man is... and, even when Young The Donald was a habitual Liar and Bullshit Artist.  The Man was always very Honest, so it's out of Character for him to make shit up, but he does all the time now and thinks it's all Real and True.   And sometimes it's something that just happened on an Episode of his Favorite Rerun Shows like "NCIS" or the New "Hawaii Five-O", so I just Hope whoever he's telling it to hasn't just seen that Episode and think, wait a minute... that sounds familiar?!   Didn't I just see that on...  *Bwahahahaha*

This Morning I have to make Two Trips to the Granddaughter's Work, I dropped her off and THEN she noticed she'd forgotten her Thermos with her Drink in it... dammit!   So, now I gotta wait 'til they Open at 9:00 a.m. and bring it to her.  And, since I had to get dressed then, it woke The Man up while doing so, and now I've got him up too early and don't have that Quiet Time to myself I usually enjoy for at least a little while each Morning... dammit!!!  Some Mornings don't work out well, this shall be one of them I suppose.  *Le Sigh and Laughs*  Hey, whaddya gonna do?  And Tomorrow Night, which is a Friday the 13th in Real Time, I have work, filling in for Richard still.  Then on the 17th, which is a Tuesday Night, I'll be filling in for my Friend Crazy Ed.  Both Male Friends have had a slew of Health Issues recently, I worry about them both.

Richard barely recovered from Quadruple Bypass Surgery AND a Liver Transplant and now he's had Brain Surgery, WTF?!   He had this big round White Bandage on the Crown of his Head and at first it looked like a Jewish Yamaka, then I thought, but, Richard's not Jewish!!!  That's when I realized it was a White Bandage and not a Religious Skull Cap!  So, I asked him, what happened?  He shows me what's under the Bandage via his Phone, and Holy shit, he's got about a 6 inch Scar where they cut the top of his Head open!!!   With tons of big Stitches, that's gonna remain a big gnarly Scar too even once it Heals!!!  He's had all the Hair Shaved on the whole top of his Head, so that's gonna be a Weird Haircut for a while too.  AND, he was back at Work, but needing me to fill in for his 2nd part of the Shift, coz he often works a Double!  I asked him why the Hell he even came in at all?!  That's Crazy!!!

He came back too soon after his other double Major Surgery and I felt it was way premature to be back.  This was even Crazier since he'd had that Surgery, he said, in the Morning, but, it looked like Major Brain Surgery, so I don't think that's accurate and he may be confused too?  It would Track with whatever his Brain Surgery was for, not to recall when he had the Procedure, coz this was no Minor Outpatient Procedure, that's for damned sure!!!  I wouldn't expect it to have been done on an Outpatient Basis at all, looked like something you'd stay in the Hospital for Post-Op, for at least a Day or Two?  But, you never know, my MIL once had a Kidney removed and was Home the same Day, which I thought was Crazy too!!!   Since she was a Widow at the time and lived Alone.   But... the Medical System is doing insane stuff these Days and so are Insurance Companies on what they will only cover.

And my Friend Crazy Ed is just Old, he's nearing 80 now and has always done far more than any Man his Age that I know.  But, I see he's slowed way down, had to have some Surgeries on his Shoulders and Legs now, and some other Health complications that are just Age related.  At some point even the most robust of Seniors has to accept limitations exist.  Ed was still moving big Furniture all by himself and I've been telling him that's not a Good Idea anymore Eddie.  But, I haven't nicknamed him Crazy Ed for nothing.  *LOL and Winks*   He and I have been close Friends for many Years so I remind him when he's acting or talking like he's on The Crazy Train and ask if he remembered to take his Happy Pills?  He's very Bipolar and on Meds to Manage it or he can be a Mood Rollercoaster.  He used to self-medicate when Younger and was an Alcoholic and it caused a Divorce, but has been Sober now for almost 50 Years.   He's remained Single.

 

*******

Enuf of Personal Blogging Topics for this day now... smiles... Dawn... The Bohemian

Not Feeling Feelings Works Better For Me... Regulate

 Today Nurse Remi is coming for The Man's Bi-Weekly, since he's not doing so well I don't know what she might suggest?  Pretty sure there's not a whole lot they can do now about his steady decline, but whatever we can still do to stall progression I will implement.  Overall he mostly has decent days and seems content, so, that's always paramount to me.  His Quality of Life being impacted is minimized as much as we can, so that it is maintained as Quality of Life.  Quantity doesn't matter as much to me as Quality of anything, including Life.  I choose Quality every time.

I had a bad Anxiety Attack last Night and couldn't Breathe thru it so had to stay up until I could Maintain my Calm again.  The Young Prince was still up and said it's coz I'm Practicing Feeling my Feelings, and that will cause heightened Anxieties and Panic Attacks.  So, I'm not sure I Like this Feeling of Feelings thing, even if it has an Upside of not Manifesting in my usual Coping Mechanisms that replace Feeling anything.  *Le Sigh*  I may abort this Feeling my Feelings nonsense then, cause the Panic or Anxiety Attacks are terrifying and render me unable to function, or even go to Sleep, it Feels like I'm fucking Dying!!!

So, after he told me that, I turned my Feelings OFF again and then I was just Fine and Functional again, whew!!!  Slept like a Baby.  Fuuuck, I'd rather indulge in my Muchness than go thru Attacks like that which will hit me like a ton of Bricks just randomly!  I couldn't even Imagine how I would have reacted in Public if one had hit, or while Driving!?!   So, fuck that, I'd rather just have the usual Non-Emotional Responses I've had all my Life, it's my 'Normal'.  I can get thru Life like that, don't know I could if I'm Panicking or having Anxiety all the damned time to that degree, it Feels like pending Death and a Goddamned Medical Emergency is happening!!!  And will upset everyone around me!

The Young Prince looked Alarmed but stayed Calm and Talked me thru it, coz he has them so he knows what they are.  Like me he tends to be Stoic and very Unemotional, but lately has been working thru his Emotions too rather than Suppressing them.  Well, it's been rendering him absolutely paralyzed with intense Negative Emotions and he can't function at all those days.  I don't have that Luxury, I'm taking Care of everyone and everything around here, so I can't be falling apart Emotionally all the fucking time.  I told him I'm switching Off again becoz I can, I know how to, it's easy for me to NOT FEEL anything regardless of what's happening.  Sidenote: Above is the last known picture of my Favorite Welsh Uncle, at Age 90, he was Powerfully built and strong right up to his Death.  Just look at the Arms on him, at Age 90!!!  I Adored him.  He took little sitting up Naps like this often, it was hilarious.

So now I do feel back to Center again, chucking that suggestion the Therapist on that 'Hoarders' Episode taught.  Sure, even tho' it does Work for pushing past Overwhelm Mode whilst Cleaning, Editing, Purging, Curating my Stuff, it's not Working for the more Important aspect of my Life.  Not Feeling Feelings just works better for me on The Daily and to get thru my Days such that they are, will be, and no amount of Therapist suggestions changes any of that.  How I FEEL about how things are doesn't actually alter HOW they just fucking ARE.  So, I don't find it particularly Helpful.   So, now I'm Good.  *Ha ha ha*

My Doc's Office were so quick to Substitute the Two Meds and send the new Med substitution to TriCare's Express Scripts to fill so I won't have any interruption in Medications effectiveness.  They did say since these are new to me, to still look to see how I tolerate them and if I have any Negative Side Effects from the switch.  So, within Hours they had it sorted out for me.  *Whew*  I'd gone out with The Young Prince to the Downtown SAVERS to see if that Asian Jade Necklace I forgot on Half Price Day was still there?  It was, and its Senior Discount Day, so tho' not half off, it was 30% Off and I was delighted I still was able to get it.  We spent too much while there since Tuesdays is when New Stock comes out, they don't re-stock anything on Half Price Day.

But we got some really Good Stuff and I let The Grandson pick out some items for himself too, so he was Jazzed and we always have a good time while Shopping together.  He's like Shopping with The Girls.  I did get a Tiki Vintage Cookie Jar made in Japan from about the 1950's Era, never seen one like it, should Sell easily and be great profit Margins.  It didn't have a Lid but I found a Lid that Works with it and when I did Google Lens, turns out it's an Ice Bucket and the Top it should have is not all that different than the Lid I married it with as a Cover.  It's a Metal Saucepan Lid but the right Color to match the Chalkware Ice Bucket that has an Ice Bucket Liner inside of it that is Waterproof.  I think a Tiki Enthusiast of Vintage Retro Tiki will like this even tho' it's not the original Lid.  The Metal Lid would still keep Ice very Cold inside of it, would make a Great Tiki Bar Addition.

My Mint has come up strong on it's 1st transplanted day, they recover quickly from being repotted.  The Rosemary never looked any the worse for being repotted at all, they're very hardy and do well in this Climate.  I haven't decided yet what I'll put in the other Pots I have, I need to check out "Lowe's" Plant Nursery near Work and might do that Tomorrow to see their Selection.   I'm thinking I might want to plant Chives in one to use on Baked Potatoes.  I like growing Herbs coz they serve more than just a cosmetic purpose in my Outdoor Plantings, I cook with them, make Teas out of them, love their Fragrance.  I even planted some Potatoes, coz the leaves are pretty and I had Two that had sprouted Eyes and we weren't gonna eat.

Sweet Potatoes have a nice Vine too.   But, I'm leaning towards Chives, I have some Seed and may just grow some from Seed in one of the Pots out Front.   I like the Flowers and we eat Chives a lot too.  LATER:  I took a Late Afternoon Nap and The Man came in and disturbed that.  Then when I finally gave up trying to Sleep at 11:00 p.m. and Blog, he wakes up and disturbs this too!!!  One of the biggest Challenges of Full Time Unpaid Caregiving is that its 24-6 and 365, unlike a Paid Caregiving Career where you'd get to go Home from it, have your own Time too, have Vacations, other Staff Members filling in for you, etcetera.  And those you're Caring for are often intrusive on your Quiet Time you try to eek out for yourself.  Sometimes if I ignore him long enuf he will give up and just leave me alone becoz he knows my Quietness means I'm getting just more annoyed.  The more Silent and Stoic I am, the likelihood you're really annoying me and Testing me.  *LOL and Winks*

He claims he 'Tried' to Sleep and can't.  Fact is, if I'm up he feels the Need to be up and disturbing my Peace, whether intentionally or not, the end result is the same, my Peace and Solitude Rare Moments are now disturbed and this so is my Calm.  *Le Sigh*  He will rustle around, sigh loudly, make his presence known in many annoying little ways instead of just fucking sitting Quietly if he insists on being in the same Room as me.  Sometimes I just have to sternly ask him, could you go to another Room and do all of that?!   I have Adult ADHD and losing Focus is a constant for me, especially if someone is being distracting or a nuisance when I'm trying to concentrate or relax and find a measure of Solitude and Peace in the usual Chaos that can be Life and Hand Dealt. 

 I Need some Quiet Time and have to remind him of this if we're to Maintain Dawn Of The Light being my Dominant Personality, and not Dark Dawn.  *Winks*  He is currently sitting directly behind me in his Media Chair rustling thru Cracker Boxes coz he knows he's not supposed to be Snacking on them at fucking Midnight!!!  He thinks I will stop Blogging and say something when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't, and Negative Attention with him now is just as sought after as Positive Attention.  But I'm ignoring him for now so as not to become just agitated about it.   I just Calmly said, "You shouldn't be eating Crackers this Late."  And kept on Blogging.  *Winks and Eye Roll*  It needn't have had to of been Said, you know, and his VA Nurse told me when she came, not to Focus so much on his Dementia, but on his Physical Health... and his Muscle Weakness... I shall TRY.  *Bwahahahaha*

Listen, the Medical Doctors and Nurses always tell me that Line, Focus on his Physical Health and not on the Dementia.  Do you know how HARD it is to NOT Focus upon and to try to Ignore the Dementia part in Reality?  It would be like telling me to NOT Focus upon the Serious Mental Illness of each Family Member, when Dealing with them as their Caregiver, just upon their Physical Health!!!   I understand as a Medical Doc or Nurse, your Career is based on the Physical Body and so that is the Main Focus of those Professionals and their Help offered to you.  I Get It.  To try to Ignore or NOT Focus upon my Spouse's fucking Dementia tho' is a Tall Order, Okay!  So, just some acknowledgement of that Reality would be kinda Nice for them to Understand how it impacts every aspect of Daily Living now for every single Member of this 3-Ring Circus we got going on here that I'm Ringmaster of the Shitshow of!!!  The Dementia behavior matters!!!

His Physical deterioration is a lot easier to Deal with than his Mental deterioration IMO.  Mebbe for some folks they could respectfully Agree to Disagree, but my Truth is, Dementia is really hard for me to Manage as Caregiver!!!   Physical Deterioration is hard and it is scary, I ain't gonna Lie, meeting anyone at their Point of Need when there is deterioration of the Mind or the Body is a tough row to hoe, either way.  But when both are happening, it's a double whammy.  I told her of the Fall, she feels his Leg and Lower Back Muscles are weakening and to inform his VA Doc and get in to see him sooner than we're currently Scheduled.  That may be easier said than done coz the VA is backlogged like a Motherfucker to get your Veteran in even Months in advance.  We'll Try.

He does see his Cardiologist sooner, but that Specialist won't be Helpful with Mobility Issues or be able to run the Tests that the VA Home Nurse suggested we request for him to have due to Muscle deterioration and Weakness.   She scolded him for not using his Canes, Walker, Medical Devices, due to his stubbornness and Pride.  She's very Firm and Motherly, Nurse Remi, so he got his current Favorite Cane and made a "Show" and Production of it all Day after she left, that won't Last, I KNOW him.  *Eye Roll and Winks while Sighing*   Nurse Remi made an intentional Show of Interest about all of his Canes telling how Special they all are, since, I took great Pains to Buy him the Showiest and most Special Looking ones in Hopes he might actually USE them when he gets loads of Interest and Compliments on them.   Nurse Remi understands my attempts at using Psychology for Compliance.  *Bwahahaha*

She made a really big Deal of his Wooden Cane with the Skull Carving, it is quite the Beautiful Work of Art and had Cost me a Pretty Penny.  So, that's the one he just 'happened' to choose of his Collection of them in the Umbrella Stand right by the Front Door.  You know, the Placement of which is convenient for grabbing one as he's coming in or going out the Door!  Usually to no avail!   I have Three fucking Walkers on the Front Porch too, all different Kinds, an All Terrain Tire heavy duty one I got the VA to give him, Sitting Ones, a Narrower one for easy navigation inside a Home and tighter Spaces.   I might as well light them on Fire!!! 

 When he knows he's got to go visit his Docs he made a Production of Using them for 'Show' and an Illusion they might Buy.   And he had The Daughter dirty up the Wheels so it looks like they're actually being used... coz she's Crazy enuf to do shit like that for her Dad to Cover for him avoiding usage.  *Eye Roll... I tell her, you're an Enabler, you are!!!  But, she IS a Daddy's Girl!   LOL*  Princess T, like me, is more Nurse Ratchet and so he Pouts a lot when either one of us is In Charge coz we won't let him Act the Fool and Misbehave.   Think of Jack Nicholson's Character Squaring Off with Nurse Ratchet in the Movie Cult Classic "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and our Home is often like the Residents of that Asylum where the Lunatics try to always be in Charge and would be Out Of Control whenever they get the Chance to be.  *Le Sigh and Shrugs*  Whaddya gonna do, Crazy Folk just Be acting Crazy and doing Crazy shit.

Yes, Dementia is like a Form of Crazy, I seen and experienced enuf Crazy to know Crazy Behavior and shit when I sees it!!!  *Winks*   When no Cures exist, you just gotta Roll with it and outmaneuver the Crazy and Finesse things as best you can to keep a semblance of Normalcy and Order around here.  It is rather like Organized Chaos.  And I Turn Off my Feelings and Emotions, coz then I can be Functional and not Emotional all the damned time about any or all of it.   So I'm pretty steady and even keel about just remaining Calm, Stoic and Carrying On, it's all that really Works on the Far Side of Crazy with any consistency and effectiveness.  Not much rattles me then coz I'm not Feeling any kind of way about any of it, just Dealing with all of it as it comes, to have the Desires Results that are Needed.  I'm very Solutions Oriented when there are Problems.   An Unsolved Problem isn't Useful or Helpful to me at all.  I will Fixate upon finding a Solution to my Problems.  *Ha ha ha*  And if you're not part of the Solution, you're part of the Problem.  *Winks*

Himself went back to Bed and is Blissfully Sleeping now so I can Finish Blogging until I can catch some Z's myself.  It only took 22 Minutes to prevail over his stubborn insistence of disturbing my Calm, I can Outlast him, usually.  *Bwahahahaha*  I'm tenacious and relentless like that about Outlasting all of them, I have remarkable Stamina and tenacity, it's my Super Power.  *Winks*  Just TRY to Outlast me, I fucking Double Dare ya!  I will rise to the Challenge, just to Win and declare the Victory, coz 2nd place is just the First Loser.   He gave up being annoying after about 22 Minutes and I can Last thru 22 Minutes of Annoying Husband without Snapping.  If I'm becoming too Close to The Edge, he knows I will give Fair Warning, you've Tested me to my Limits, don't push me coz I'm Close to The Edge... now, do you really want to Deal with Dark Dawn when I Snap and go Mental?  Usually the response is No, No we don't. 

I'll take everyone Over The Edge and down into The Abyss with me otherwise, when and once I have no more Fucks to Give.  Coz, the Cavalry ain't coming folks, so, you only have Me and there's no Replacement Volunteers upon the Horizon... you'd all be too Expensive and there's No Placement for even a One of ya!!!   You'd all be kicking Dog Turds down the Road and Sitting on a Park Bench in the Rain, so, Lighten Up when I needs ya to or there will be some Real Trouble here in Paradise.   They may all be Crazy, but none of them is Stupid, they Get It.   The Young Prince and I while out doing our Retail Therapy together, had the Deep Conversation of what happens when I'm Gone and who will be In Charge of The Asylum here?  He initiated it and it's the difficult Conversation to have, but a Necessary one.

He and his Sister are likely to be In Charge then of whoever remains, which, yeah, that's Scary to contemplate.   The Son worries he will be In Charge, he doesn't want the Position.  Everyone knows The Daughter can't be In Charge of even herself and all the rest know they'll be her Keeper.  Or send her down and back to Mexico to be Kept by the ones there who've said they would Look Out for her like they have for around Two Decades now.  I know they will, they're Tough folks, some are even semi-retired really Bad Actors, but they Adore her and get a kick out of how Fearlessly Crazy she is.  And she really can be on the Far Side of Crazy, she got Stories.  She once Broke Into a Retired Cartel Bosses House by going down his Chimney, so that she could Clean his House for him and left a Note!  He ended up just giving her a Key... and he told me this Story himself via a Video Chat, tho' she'd told me it once too.

 She's broken into our Home to Clean it, so, we always make sure she just has a Key.  She has a 'Thing' about Cleaning, it helps Calm the Voices in her Head, she says, and that's always a Good Thing coz no telling what they may be trying to say to her???  *LOL*  And she stands up to the Worst of them anywhere she is, coz Crazy gives no Fucks about Danger and generally can't be Intimidated... and... she tells them she has no Fear of Death and the only person who can Scare her is me.  But, she wants to go to Heaven, so she isn't allowed to Off herself, so, Homicide doesn't Scare her, God would be Fine with that.  Yeah, they think that's Crazy Funny.  And think I must be Crazy Scary, equally Funny, coz I don't think I am... but... whatever.  On a Scale of Wellness I Think I'm generally doing Alright and am mostly Okay.  I understand it's Debatable, depending on who you're talking to.  *LOL*

I do know I'm not Right, I'm Aware of that, but the consensus of the rest of them, including some Mental Health Professionals, have told me I'm Unaware of just how Mental I really am?  They could be Right?  *Bwahahaha*   I think I'm very high functional and not as Crazy as some of the Family are.   They all respectfully Disagree and tell me, well, we think you're pretty Crazy, but you're the best one to be In Charge, we Trust you to handle anything and everything that could ever come up.  And go on the War Path more successfully than anyone they know, when it becomes necessary to go to War with anyone.  And I have, so they have Faith I can, and perhaps I'm delusional enuf to actually think and Believe I can too?  So, for now it Works if we Work it.  And we keep Piping Along.  BTW: My Medication 'Problem' got Resolved in about 2 Hours... problem now Solved, so, Color me Happy.  I LOVE Solutions!

Would they LIKE me to be on Mental Health Meds too if they could find some I can tolerate without it making things worse and way Scarier to Manage?  Absolutely.  But, that's never happened and so, whatever.  I do all my Holistic and Tribal shit instead to stay Regulated.  Indigenous handle Mental Health and being Different, differently.   Thru a Holistic approach integrating the physical, Spiritual and Emotional balance and Community Well-Being.   Health being considered the Balance between Nature, the Individual and the Community.   Values are different too from most Non-Indigenous Cultures.   Health is considered Harmony among all parts, not just absence of Illness.  Balance between Mental, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Aspects of Life is the Priority.  Unity of The Community is highly Valued.

Holistic Methods do no Harm and don't cause any Dependency Issues, which is why it's preferential to me.  No Bad Side Effects or Baggage, which, Western Medicine has a lot of both IMO and I haven't Tolerated the Western Pharmaceuticals for Mental Illness well at all so they had to take me off them, it made things way worse and me way more unpredictable and unstable in a potentially Unsafe way... so, that wasn't the Desired effect.  *Bwahahahaha*  On Paxil I once beat the shit out of The Man and didn't even remember doing it!   I was horrified to learn I'd been why he was looking like he'd been in the Fight of his Life!  Luckily he's well Trained in Self Defense, but he said I was like a Feral Wild Thing on that Medication and he wouldn't wanna have to Fight me again!!!    And so he never has had to.  *LOL*

 I'd never lay Hands on him Unmedicated, and prefer Peaceful Resolutions to any potential Conflicts with People, so he told them, this Med ain't Workin!   So they immediately took me off that one since it was supposed to balance my Brain's Serotonin Levels, clearly that didn't Work Out as Planned.  *LMAO*   For some Reason, when you are not in your Right Mind, you become Crazy Strong, I don't know why that is, I just know that it happens, even if a Child is going Mental.  Restraining a Mentally Ill Child of any Age usually requires Help, coz One Person ain't gonna Cut it no matter how Strong or In Control you think you are.  I have Zero Delusions coz I have valiantly tried, by myself, to restrain One, it cannot be done very easily and it's exhausting to try.  *Ha ha ha*

 When one of mine was going Mental, at any Age, no matter how Young, they were unnaturally Strong and Powerful.   The Brain is a very Mysterious Thing really and when Glitching, almost anything can happen.  I talk Openly about Mental Illness coz Society generally doesn't and won't with any Candor, Compassion, or Understanding.  Just Fear and Vilifying whose diagnosed.   And the vast majority of those afflicted will never intentionally harm a Soul and just wanna be Treated with Humanity, respect and decency, which isn't too much to ask of Society IMO.   But, we all just hear about the ones that Snap and go on the Epic Rampages.   

And frankly, I don't Believe all of those incidents are a direct result of Mental Illness so much as it's about what's IN the Person at their very Essence.  Some folks just do Evil depraved shit and has not much to do with being Mentally Ill, if they got Hate, Retribution or Revenge in their Hearts and Act upon it, it never Ends Well, Period.  And they are just like that on the Inside of them and it comes Out.   And one got Elected to run our Country and we're seeing how that is manifesting in Real Time, it will never End Well, Period.   

*******

America better Check itself before it Wrecks itself... Dawn... The Bohemian