When Your Brain Goes Offline

 

This Guy was very Happy to have me Home, he ran up to greet me as if his Life had depended on my very existence!  *LOL*   The Man had been misbehaving for the Kids, so while IN the Hospital I had to have a Come To Jesus with him over the Phone, since he was refusing to get out of Bed or Eat for The Daughter and I'd left her "In Charge".  *LOL and Eye Roll*   She said she could tell by Dad's Face that I was reading him the Riot Act, I told him he better Behave for them Kids in my absence, and knock it off, lest he wanna upset me so much I have another fucking Stroke and then Haunt his Ass from beyond the Veil!!!??   *Winks*   She said after that he was still very Sad and Scared, and wanting me to be Home, but Behaving as he should.  *Smiles*  With the TBI and Dementia if his Routine changes or I'm not there, he discombobulates. 

Princess T was trying to hold it together for her Mom and be Helpful, but when I saw her Care Bear lineup in her Room when I got out of Hospital, I could tell she had been really Stressed Out and it had kicked her OCD and Anxiety into overdrive.  She wouldn't come see me in Hospital coz she felt she'd start Crying and didn't wanna upset me or make me think she thought or was acting like I wasn't gonna make it.  *Awww and LOL*  They didn't bring The Man either when they came to visit me since he said he couldn't do it either and managing him if he went to pieces or didn't feel Safe, would have been too much to take that Show on the Road either.   I kept in Touch with him by Phone, so he'd feel updated on my condition and not left out of the Loop or Patronized.  As his Spouse, if it had been him, I'd want to know what's really going on and not have it kept from me.

When I got Home I was finally able to download my Eye Candy Images from the last Christmas "Highland Yard Vintage" and "Sweet Salvage" Events of the Year.  I got lots of Blog Fodder, including the heavier stuff happening, lots of fluff and Eye Candy too, so, it will be a mixture of both.  I have to rest, take it easy and rehab myself now so I'll have more Down Time here at Home in front of the PC Screen to be happily Blogging.  I think it's good for my Brain to be challenged with composing and creating Posts.  If it has to be rewiring itself and compensating for any Brain Damage, I want to do all I can to challenge myself Mentally and Cognitively to keep improving and regaining function.   Since Friends had seen me AT the Event the very same Day as I had The Stroke just Hours later that Afternoon at about 5:00 p.m. while making Chili, it seemed surreal to them.  It always does when you just saw someone and then a Crisis happens to them.

I had been Sick just after Thanksgiving and had to go to the ER, as you might remember, but it was separate from this recent Crisis, but, has impacted our entire Holiday Season.   You can't Time Crisis, they happen when they just happen.  Every time I heard a Life Flight coming in while Hospitalized, it made me Thankful that my own Health Crisis wasn't nearly as severe as whatever theirs was right before Christmas!   And when I'm hearing what's happening Globally, in the Atrocities committed in Germany that Killed 5 and injured 200 innocent Christmas Market Shoppers by an Extremist... and the Genocide and Ethnic Cleansing still ongoing in Gaza, it just breaks my Heart that so many Innocents are being Lost and how "Normalized" such things are quickly becoming.   No Human Beings should be Targeted for such Atrocities and Human Rights Violations against Humanity, no matter what the "Cause" is that the Perpetrators of those Acts use as an excuse or justification.  

What is happening is deeply disturbing, here and abroad, it troubles me and I do think it's going to worsen and not get better any time soon.  I really don't know what would change the Calculation?   Even if you are not the one doing Wrong, if you are Supporting it in any way or doing nothing about it, you are complicit.   And it just seems ambivalence, indifference, lack of Accountability, and even Support of Inhumanity, Cruelty, War Crimes and Lawlessness, is so high Globally, that I have no Words.  At this Holy Season we Celebrate, when Goodwill and God's Love should be evident, I'm just not seeing it being dominant anymore and I find that beyond alarming.   Everyone will eventually be Touched by it once it spirals completely out of Control and a Foothold of it becomes a Stronghold of it and Acceptance of it is dominant.   Behavior Accepted is Behavior Tolerated.   And there is never, ever, a Good Excuse for Bad Behavior IMO.  And I know I Rage Against The Machine here, but, it has to be said and not Silenced or we're doomed as a Species or as a Civil Society. 

 

Yes, I too do Escape into The Fluff of Life in order to remain Centered and add it to my Posts with regularity.   Along with the Heavy stuff, Yes, we do need the Balance of some Lighter stuff too.   I do think having a Close Call recently has given me more of a sense of Prioritizing everything and anything.  Not that I didn't Prioritize things before, I always have, but, when your Mortality is suddenly making you reckon with it, shifting some Priorities will definitely happen.   Some stuff isn't so important and you realize it and put it on a back Burner for now and bring more important things to the forefront.   Stakes are that high right now and anyone who Imagines they aren't are either in Denial or don't take Real Threats Seriously.   If anyone Threatens me, I Believe it, to not do so is at your own peril.   I don't feel so Weakened by what happened to me to not Resist what is fucked up right now in America.

And it's pretty fucked up before this Authoritarian incoming Regime even gets installed.  He's already now threatened Canada, Panama and other Sovereign Nations like Greenland that he wants to "Acquire" them, WTF, and tho' some might Imagine he's Joking, I don't... it's very Putinesque in Nature.   And when Putin threatened Ukraine Three Years ago, he meant it too, and he also doesn't intend to stop there if he is allowed to prevail.   Germany's Government has already collapsed... do we really want America's to be next?   Even when a bad Government collapses or implodes, like it has in Syria, it leaves a Vacuum and a Void that often is exploited and filled by factions that are really dangerous and seize the opportunity of the instability and the collapse, so there are concerns when any collapse happens.   So many Guardrails are now gone here in America now, that, anything is possible and quite a lot of it isn't good at all.  Depravity has been Normalized and it's NOT Normal, it's abhorrent.

Okay, Vent for Today over... stepping down off Soapbox.  *Winks*   I don't mind being involved in what John Lewis called Good Trouble, it's always been necessary if you want to stand up and have the courage to Stand For what is Right, Just and Humane.   Anyway, I'm still as Militant as ever I guess, part of my Brain going Offline didn't seem to change me very much at all.   I was pleased to realize I can Type as fast as ever, so it didn't affect that cognitive function either.  *Whew*  So, Blogging is still easy, both in my Stream of Consciousness and in my ability to do all of it.  I'm really happy about that since this is one of my Happy Places and a Creative Space I've enjoyed now for well over a Decade.   My Grandson, The Young Prince, was 9 when he told me about what a Blog was, thought it would be something I'd enjoy and be good at, and set this up for me... and the rest... is History.  He's 24 now. *Smiles*

 

Princess T has been working on her Annual Gingerbread House all Week and finally finished.  Usually she gets it done quicker, this Year she took her Time and it shows in her attention to details.  We'd bought some extra Candies to go with the Kit and I'm particularly impressed this Year with her skill at making Icing Icicles.   I'm just glad she's Old enuf now not to need me to help her make a Gingerbread House, for some reason I never liked making them.  As a Creative Soul one would have thought I'd like making them, but, surprisingly I loathed it and so the Tradition and Ritual Princess T always Loved wasn't something I looked forward to.  *LOL*   Her Brother would often take one for the Team and help her make one.  I just felt that since my Heart wasn't in it, the results would show it and I didn't wanna ruin her outcome.  She always does a good job of it, but when Younger, needed assistance.

The Daughter is still making great strides in The RV Garage Mahal Gauntlet.  We know eventually The Young Prince will be back and helping her too.  The dilemma right now after me having a Stroke is, I had intended to take a Bus to New Mexico and help him load up a U-Haul and I'd drive it back to bring him and his possessions Home.   Now my Niece, who lives in Oklahoma, is floating the Idea that if we pay for it, she'd just do that for us and just stay a while with us like a mini Vacay and Couch Surf.  She Works from Home so has the ability not to have to be any place in particular to do her Job.  It would be so Helpful if she could go get him coz they get along fabulously and it would be a Road Trip they'd both enjoy doing together under even the difficult circumstances of his estrangement and eventual desire to Divorce his Husband.  She's Gay too and Single, so has a better understanding of the pressures he's endured with Society and in the area they both live being rather Homophobic.

Moving from a rather Liberal Urban area like Phoenix where it's pretty much a Non-Issue to be part of the LGBTQ+ Community, to a more Rural Conservative area so close to Texas, which is radically Homophobic, has been very hard.  Allen can 'pass' for being a Macho Straight Guy becoz he's very Masculine in appearance, habits and his 'Gay' doesn't show so much in most situations.   The Young Prince however is Fabulous, Feminine, and can't fly under anyone's Gaydar, so, he's always endured much more discrimination and Homophobia to the point it's been dangerous to be who he is in numerous situations.  He's been assaulted numerous times before since he's Trans and the violence against Trans Men presenting as Female or even appearing Female when they present as Male, is very high.   Just like violence against Females is, Trans Men suffer many of the same Crimes that Women do.  So, I do fear for his safety and would rather he live closer where he is protected by a Community that Loves and knows him.

 

Even when we lived in Da Hood, one time when he was 12 Years Old a group of Homophobic Grown Men jumped and beat him so badly he required Hospitalization.  Had it not been for some of the Gang Kids of our Barrio who'd grown up with him, and were tough and protective of anyone from our Community, including him, it might have been far worse.  But they came to his rescue and fought the Grown Men and brought him Home and we called Police.  But, Law Enforcement by and large doesn't protect the Gay Community or Care that much, often they've been the perpetrators of Homophobic Violence and beatings, and that has been the case with the Grandson having that experience with some Cops too.   

So, the Police did nothing about the violent assault of a Gay Hispanic Child and at the time I worked for the DA's Office and filed a formal Complaint about it.  I didn't expect results or change, but, I'm Militant about Injustices in Society, all of them, and particularly if it involves me and mine.   You don't change the way things just are tho', so we had some Street Justice thus meted out to those Homophobic Assholes... Problem Solved, retaliation, especially in Da Hood if you mess with the wrong people, can be a real Motherfucker.  It was a bad day that day to be the Homophobic Grown Male Assholes willing to gang up and viciously beat a Gay Twelve Year Old Child.  They got what was coming to them.  

And, they didn't dare report it either coz there could be more where that came from and they wouldn't know who from Da Hood would be paying them a visit if they were getting anyone in trouble as the Payback they deserved.  I was just told on the Streets, the Problem had been taken care of, I'm sure it was.   And this is Why some Communities don't rely on or Trust the Police, if they're not Protecting and Serving those Communities adequately and are showing bias and contempt for the Citizens of those Communities.  If you've never experienced that disparity and how tiered and discriminatory The System can be, I wouldn't expect you to understand and might stand in Judgment of those Communities and how they handle their Business.  Some Business must be handled some kind of way and if Police refuse to do their Job to see Justice is Served, depending on who you are or where you live, this is why things don't Work as they should and Trust is eroded and confidence in those Communities is lacking.

Anyway, this is Why the Grandson doesn't like Clovis, NM, he doesn't feel particularly Safe there and so I don't even want him there.  Especially if his relationship doesn't feel Safe to him either anymore and he doesn't feel protected or feels vulnerable.   If something happened to him, Heaven Forbid, I'd go on the fucking Warpath and I know this.  It would become my Obsession to Solve that Problem and I'd be Fixated about it as long as I had Breath in me.   So, it's just best that he come Home and wants to.   The Niece and his Mom are contacting him to lay out the Plan and Princess T will fund it until I can pay her back, so, we got it all logistically covered.   I'd have more of a Peace about him having all this behind him and be in a Safe Space to just do Life on his own Terms without fears.   It's less Stress for me actually to have everyone Safe and knowing we can all Help one another and Solve our own Problems among ourselves.   Family is everything to us.

 

The Kids are taking good Care of me since I got Home and stepping up, they're helping out even more with The Man and he's settled now I'm Home.  He was Sad and Scared while I was away Hospitalized, now he feels more Secure and that things are gonna be Okay.  He sees I've made good progress and am not all fucked up Post-Stroke, which, I ain't gonna Lie, was a relief and also a concern, Strokes are no Joke and Recovery from them can be a long Road of Rehabilitation that isn't always complete and full.   I'm on Three more Meds to prevent another one and will be fitted with a Monitor when I go in to see the Cardiologists.  I've got the Cardiology Appointment to get fitted for the Monitor scheduled just after Christmas.  The Neurology Appointment is Mid-January, he didn't need to see me right away since they are pretty sure my Heart is more the Issue than my Brain.  I know, that's Funny, coz... well... MY Brain.  Even before Stroke damage. *Bwahahaha*

I just got Word from The Daughter that her Son talked to her and knowing Gramma just had a Stroke he feels that he doesn't want to add burden and will just work on shit with Allen right now.  Allen, knowing my Health tanked, doesn't want to make things worse, so is also willing to do what it takes that they work out their own Issues amicably and without burdening us with taking on any of it right now.  He did Promise to Support his Husband and take Care of him, and getting Married wasn't a casual Commitment to do that.   So, I'm glad both of them are Manning Up and exhausting all of their options before sending The Young Prince back to be Cared for by us.    So, even delaying all that, so long as he feels Safe doing it, is something that I'll let him decide as a Grown Man working out his Problems to the best of his ability to.   He and Allen can Live Separately in the same House and be civil to one another.

I do think Allen feels it is easier being in a relationship with a Woman, he's Bi, so he has that Option that is agreeable to him.   The Young Prince really doesn't Care, Monogamy isn't even important to him so much as Honesty and Trust, which was broken when Allen was cheating and hiding it.  I do think due to Allen's Family, he has always struggled with not being Straight becoz it wasn't embraced or acceptable in the Culture he grew up in, with the Fundamentalist Christian Family he has.  When Praying the Gay away doesn't work for their Belief System, they usually don't know what else to do except forsake their Gay Children as being Sinners with no Redemption.   Society and rampant Homophobia hasn't Helped either.  Any form of Hatred and Cruelty to me is an abomination and goes against what I Believe Spiritually.  Self Righteousness is also never Pretty.

I think that's Sad and Callous to throw away your own Child becoz of who they are, but, it's not my brand of 'Religion' that advocates for such inhumane treatment of another Human Being.  To me Inhumanity towards any other Human Being for any reason is more of a Sin and Ungodly, IMO, it's of the Devil and not of God.  It certainly doesn't bear Good Witness for Christ or the God they claim they Serve.   Anyway, I had been encouraged somewhat during the Wedding of the Grandsons, to see Allen having some reconciliation with his Parents, who I do like and think are good People, who just have Religion dictating a lot of things they probably feel somewhat conflicted about.  I think they do Love their Son, but they know their Churchy Friends and Congregation condemn their Son being Gay and even many had trouble with him being Autistic.  Forms of Mental Illness also get much discrimination in Society and endure bias and misunderstanding and alienation.

His Mom is an esteemed Doctor and his Stepdad a Principal at a High School, so they're well educated people.  I do think his Mom realizes that how her Son is has no 'Cure', has made relationship with and raising him difficult, and some Families really do struggle with all that more than others.  Depending upon their point of view about Mental Illness and/or being Gay, some Families want a "Solution" that will make Life less hard for them and for their Child.  But, let's face it, for some Hands Dealt Life will just be hard.   Any marginalized Community realizes that Reality, every Person of Color realizes they cannot protect their Children completely from Racial discrimination and Racism either, it exists, it always has, probably always will.   Since Allen is Bisexual, he could have an easier Life with a Female Wife, that's just a Fact of how our Society still is.  He could also have a Family easier and he wants one.   Whereas the Young Prince has no interest in being a Parent, he is Aware he's not Well enuf to be an adequate or even a fit one.

The Young Prince has told me he's Loved Women before too, he's Pansexual, doesn't really care about Gender of who he Loves, it's irrelevant to him, along with the Roles Assigned by Society regarding Gender.   But, he also knows most Women he's ever known want Children and he doesn't, and of coarse it takes a Man and Woman to conceive a Child, so, he never wanted that risk.  Plus passing along hereditary factors of serious illnesses, whether Physical or Mental, isn't something he ever wanted to feel responsible for either.   Right now Princess T feels the same way, plus, she doesn't Like Kids very much anyway.  *Bwahahaha*   No, it's funny, she gets more annoyed at Kids acting up than Old People seem to, which is hilarious to me, I can Read her Face when we're in Public and some Kid is acting the Fool!  *LOL*

Anyway, they've both told me that since we already have more than enuf Great-Grandchildren, and probably many more to come from their respective other Older and Younger Siblings, we don't need any more, and they don't plan to give us any.  *Bwahahahaha*   The Force always crack me up, they don't Sugar Coat anything, I Wonder WHO they got that from?  Humnnnnn, lemme think!?  *Bwahahahaha*   Anyway, everyone is circling the Wagons right now to be supportive of one another and just work things out in the best ways possible for right now.  We can always adjust things later to make it better.   And now, let's talk about the Elephant in the Room, what happens when your Brain goes Offline?

Do I feel differently than I did BS? {Before Stroke, ASS meaning After Stupid Stroke... and Yes, BS and ASS were intentionally chosen, Winks}  So, Yes, I do feel different and am aware of what's not Online yet in my Brain and has to be compensated for as my Brain reboots.  Right now I do have some Buffering going on in there sometimes.  Compensating for the Sight Loss in my Right Eye has been easier than I expected, it's coming back but doing some very Weird shit.   There are Lights like Sparklers and things coasting by my Eyeball that seem like some Odd Video Game going on behind the Scenes in my Head/Optics?  *LOL*  After over 48 Hours of experiencing it now I'm adjusting well, tho' it is annoying as fuck.   So, I do Hope it eventually self-corrects.   No Promise it will, but I won't Receive that it won't, I Believe anything is Possible and it's only Impossible until someone does it.

I'm Walking better and without as much halting becoz of the PT folks telling me to turn my Head more to the Right to compensate for the peripheral limitations I'll have until my Eyesight fully returns and works properly.  When you've got an involuntary Video Game of Characters of Shadows and Light moving around in your Optics, it's quite distracting and hard to just learn to ignore.   Many of the Daughter's Hispanic Friends keep coming by with Freshly made Tamales so I don't have to Cook, Bless them.   If they don't make them their Parents or Grandparents are when they heard of my Stroke.  That's how the Latino Communities I've lived in always have been, they show up when you're going thru Trials of Life.  I prefer living in Barrios for that reason even tho' I'm not Hispanic.  My Son and some Grandkids are, but, not being Hispanic has never meant I've not been considered worthy to be Inclusive and embraced by the Hispanic Community around us.  

By contrast, living in Affluent predominantly White Affluent Subdivision Hell in the Villa McManse, that Community wouldn't Piss on you if you were on Fire.   And most especially if you didn't look or live just like them.  But, Honestly, they didn't act like a functional Community towards each other either IMO.   Seems the more Affluent often will throw one another under the Bus at the first sign of Trials of Life or to further their own Agendas.   A very Transactional Community and what they Valued more than People was Money and Things, it showed.  I didn't like that nor did I feel they were my Tribe of Humans, so, we didn't belong there, didn't particularly want to, glad to have Moved Out and Moved On to a Tight Knit Community of People we Love and who make Good Neighbors.   That is Priceless.

 

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While my Brain has gone Offline a bit for a while, bear with me as my Posts might not be quite up to par yet... I'm a Work in Progress... but then again, I always was *Winks* ....  Dawn... The Bohemian