White Privilege & Plausible Deniability

 

So, I went back to the Grocer to get more of the Vanilla Lavender Limited Edition Starbucks Ground Coffee and snagged their last Bag of it!  They'd had a full Display of it when I bought the first of it just a couple Days ago!   But, they had gotten in the K-Cup Pods of it so I bought some Boxes of that, which, also were almost Sold Out already!  So, I'm glad I'm stocking up while they still have some left coz I really like it and no telling when they'll cease the Ltd. Ed of it?  They still had it on Sale too.  Perhaps everyone else is suspecting the same thing?  *LOL*  So, I got mine while there's still some left and should have enuf to last thru Winter and some of Spring.  I'm sure a lot of folks will take up Drinking when the Insane Clown Posse is installed, I'm choosing Vanilla Lavender Coffee over becoming an Alcoholic.  Or popping Xanex like Tik Tacs once the Orange Psychopath Moron is sworn in.   But, you Cope as you Need to, I won't Judge.  *Bwahahaha*  

They must have Rescued the Pup in the Storm Drain coz both Dogs were gone by the time I went to Mail some Bills and pick up the Coffee at 2:00 p.m..   I'd gone back to Bed to Warm Up and ended up Sleeping until past Noon, I'd of Slept longer but The Daughter woke me up with Lunch she'd cooked for me.  She's concerned when I am Sleeping too much and can't seem to get out of Bed for any length of Time.   It doesn't make me Feel any more Rested either actually, but, seems to be a Deep Sleep and potentially Restorative/Healing, so, whatever... at this point I am keeping the Calendar Open except for Doctor Appointments anyway.  And, I don't Feel like going anywhere or doing anything most of the time anymore Post-Stroke.  Even Creating these Posts I take lots of Breaks.  Now it's Coffee Breaks.  *LOL*

Making your own Gourmet Coffee is way Cheaper than buying it at a Coffee Shop and you can do so then more frequently from Home.  So, anyway, Rusty is Home Today from his Visit to Family in Mexico, so he picked Princess T up from Work so that I didn't have to.   She seems happy he had a good Vacation and is now Home again.   She didn't necessarily want to spend all his Vacay Time being Together, she likes her Apartness Time as much as her Togetherness Time, and I completely understand that, I need a Balance of both as well.   Tomorrow is the January Event at one of my favorite Monthly Themed Markets that only runs for Four Days.  I've been waffling about going since I don't intend to Shop or Buy anything, just enjoy going and taking Pixs, visiting with Friends who are Designers there, and soaking in the Eye Candy and Photographing it for Blog Fodder to Share here in The Land Of Blog. 

 No Budget right now for any Retail Therapy and no Need for anything anyway that isn't Essential.  I'm thinking most of 2025 may Look like that.  So, might as well get used to it.   I fully expect our Economy to Tank and go right off a Cliff with the incompetence and unfettered Greed and Grift that the Incoming are already displaying.   So, I won't be caught off guard like those that Imagine the "Golden Years" are only Days away.  *Snicker*  I actually saw that Written in Yellow Soap, with bad Spelling which was equally Stereotypical, on the back of a Car Window while getting my Coffee and I had to Laugh out Loud.   The usual MAGA Bumper Stickers were on the Vehicle, which was a real busted Hooptie.   So, clearly the Owner NEEDS to Believe some Golden Years are actually coming, they don't appear to be doing all that well and may be desperate to Believe anything and everything a Con Artist Promises them?  Poor Schmucks, it is Sad in many ways, Ignorance isn't Bliss, it's just Ignorance.  Bad or Low Information received is just Bad or Low Information.

I will likely go to the Event for the Positives it will impart, but, if I don't feel all that good, I won't, and that will be Okay too.   That's how I'm Feeling now about everything, if I'm having a Good Day I take advantage of it, and if I'm having a Bad Day, forget about it, not doing anything or going anywhere and will likely Sleep a lot.   Rousted every once in a while by a concerned Family Member that's checking on me, and assure them, yeah, I'm not Fine, but, no Worries, just not having a Good Day again.   The Stroke has definitely changed my ability to Mood Regulate, so perhaps that part of my Brain has gotten some damage and needs to recalibrate itself, not Sure, just know so much is really different Post-Stroke and there's no getting around it or benefit to being in Denial about it.   The Brain is a complex thing and damage to it can come with lotsa complexities and complications.  It's ability to compensate is amazing too tho'. 

 

I know after The Man's Catastrophic Brain Injury, a few Strokes, and now onset of Dementia, he's a different Person than before it all.  So, not really Surprised I am too after some Medical Brain Event.   Even regular Aging often does that.   I've kept 'busy' watching NetFlix Specials.  There was a good Comedy by Ari Shaffir, who I'd never seen before and he's absolutely hilarious.  Especially his bit on White Privilege and Plausible Deniability when he said after he learned of it, he now Steals all the time.   His piece on Stealing some Alaskan Wild Salmon from Whole Foods had me rolling!!!   And he said he Hoped all People of Color some day got to enjoy White Privilege, but in the meantime, they make great Decoys, coz then nobody is looking at all the White Shoplifters who have the fallback Get Out Of Jail Free White Privilege Card of Plausible Deniability if they do get caught!!!   He said Self Scanners were Invented by White People as their "FUBU", For Us By Us, to make it easier for White People to Steal shit!   *LMAOROTF, but, so True* 

 I'm very Observant, do you know how many White Shoppers I've seen at those Self Checkout Scanners that cheat, or if the item doesn't Scan after Two Tries they just Bag it Unscanned and feel completely Justified I guess as, well, that one must be a Freebie?   And I NEVER see the White Employee Posted to Watch the Scanner section ever say anything!  If you're White and ask for Help coz your item won't Scan they almost look at you like, Are You Stupid, you're gonna insist on Paying for it?   The Man jokes that I just don't Act "White Enough" sometimes.  And he could be Right... *LMAOROTF*  Then I watched a good Thriller Action Movie called "Carry On" {2024} starring Taron Egerton and Jason Bateman.  Can't say I'd ever seen the Handsome Young Leading Man in anything before, but he's a good Young Actor and held his own with Bateman, who I like in everything I've ever seen him in.   I've tried not to watch too much of the News, since, well, you know... all Bad and getting Worse every Day.   And my Head Space right now is not leaning towards the Positives anyway, so, it's just best to limit exposure to all the Negativity and Toxicity abounding.

And I figure if anything super worse happens, I'll hear about it without ever having to watch The News.  I have been catching up on Blog Reads and many of you are covering stuff I miss anyway from getting directly, and so, limiting my direct exposure doesn't make me really less informed.  *LOL and Winks*   I'm contemplating still, whether to have some Fun Tomorrow and attend the Event and it's Opening Day, or spend most of another whole Day in Bed Sleeping?   Decisions, decisions.  *Bwahahaha*   It really could go either way, I couldn't even say which way, it's a 50-50 split that I wouldn't lay Money on either.  *Smiles*   There are people I'd like to see, but, not really want to talk about just Surviving a Stroke, which, is bound to come up, since, it's not Top Secret information that was kept under Wraps or sworn to Secrecy.  And Word got around, which is Fine, I don't Care.  

 

It's just awkward, coz, of coarse folks truly wanna know how you're doing and tho' it would be just easy to Lie and say Fine, it's not Fine and I'm not a Liar.  It's been tough Recovering from, really tough, yet, clearly I'm not all fucked up either... so, I'd rather not discuss it at all.  And yet, it is right now the Elephant in the Room and it reminds me too much of when I didn't Die before, some Years ago, and the Topic came up, after I got sprung.  Since, well, you're still among the Living, but, Changed, and people are Curious even if they really don't need to know.  Long Time Readers would know that whole Saga from long ago, which gave me a Caregiver Burnout involuntary Vacay in Psyche Lockdown for about a Week after I went Wheels Off the Rails and had a failed Suicide attempt.  Apparently I can consume a lot of Sleeping Pills, a lethal amount usually, and get just more animated, agitated, Crazier and more hyper, who knew?    People did feel some kind of way about that, and I didn't really give a shit, but it WAS quite revealing about THEM.  And it was awkward in ways that don't make anyone feel very comfortable.   And I think any close Call Survival probably feels that way... not the easiest Topic to have light conversation about, so, I'd rather just not.

Anyway, so, if you're MIA too long you end up with the PM inquiries, since, they'll assume the worse.   But, showing up anywhere after a Serious Medical problem that nobody saw coming, means, it's gonna come up even if you say nothing and avoid it or don't wanna talk about it.   And after about the umpteenth person asks, you just don't wanna make polite small talk about any of it just to satiate their Curiosity or to respond to genuine Concerns they may have, since, I'm there to relax and uplift myself, not fixate on my failing Health.   It always annoys me when Old People continuously talk about all their Health Issues, I don't wanna be impolite, but, it's a Downer and not really Helpful to them really IMO and certainly not to the Listener.   I'm not without compassion or sympathy for chronic Health Issues or Medical Crisis afflicting anyone.  But if it's their primary Topic of conversation, all the time, I just never know what they expect me to say?  Often I have no Words.  I can give you a genuine Caring Hug... and Hope that is somewhat Comforting?

I might wanna Blog about some of my struggles in Recovering from a Crisis, or Personal Problems, but in Real Life, I don't generally talk about it much, if at all, and prefer to just not have to either.  Not Helpful, so, no Need to.   This is like an Online Journal and I Vent more here, am more transparent and personal here.  I'm more Private in Real Life.  Folks are mostly on a Need To Know Basis and most don't Need To Know, really.   Even when someone does Die, I don't Need To Know all the Details to have sufficient compassion and sorrows about the Loss.  Same if they Survive some real Close Calls, I'm glad they came thru it, but don't press for the Details.   Sometimes how hard it is and limiting or Life Changing is evident, sometimes it's not as apparent.  This I know.  I do tend to want to voluntarily disconnect when I'm Dealing with heavy Issues of Life, that way I don't have to also Deal with externals at the same time and deplete myself with what isn't necessary.

When I'm ready and able to return to the Wild, I probably will.  *LMAO*  Right now forays are being moderated and restricted and I think that is best, depending on how I'm Feeling at any given Moment.  As I've previously said, my ability to Mood Regulate seems to have been somewhat compromised by whatever has happened to my Brain, so, my Fucks to give are less than they even were before to Deal with anything or anyone irritating or the least bit aggravating.   I'm not Proud to say that, becoz it's Socially clearly a problem when Mood Regulation can be impaired for any reason.  I don't wanna have to explain it or attempt to even justify it when it just fucking happens.  *Smiles*   And we Joke about it within the Family, as The Son did Today by saying, well, Mom, are you SURE you haven't had a Stroke before then and just didn't know it?  *LMAO*  I Laughed and told him with feigned hostility that I wasn't sure I LIKED what that implied?   And then we all Laughed heartily.  *Bwahaha*  

 

Let us just say not giving a Shit or Caring has been Magnified now, to where there is no restraint in me left to Manage it appropriately.   I recognize it and yet, lacking the ability to Regulate Mood appropriately all of a sudden, means I'd rather interact less with People for right now until I get a Handle on that.  It's best for everyone involved.   I prefer being Nice and usually it came Naturally and I didn't have to do it on Purpose, now, I'd have to say it takes more Effort and Mindfulness on my part.  If that makes sense?   That's a Change that I don't know if or when I'll Recover that Ability, Brain Regulate it again, or not?  They told me some parts of the Brain had damage that's evident, but, I don't really know what the Hell parts of my Personality that might have Controlled or can be compensated for with other Parts that are undamaged?   Question Mark.   Dark Dawn apparently didn't Control that part of the damaged section or Brain Cells that Died... coz... well... it's obvious.  *Ha ha ha*

 

I'd be Interested to hear from other Stroke Survivors on how they Coped with the Recalibration Process their Brains had to figure out?   I know mine is trying real valiantly, and I am happy about the Progress I'm making and improvements, however slight, I do notice.   But I also notice what's gone haywire and Loved Ones notice shit I don't necessarily notice and they get concerned about that and mention it.  And I know it scares all of them too, coz, well, it's scary.  It's hard to see someone you Care about and Love start with any Health related decline.  They've already been thru it all with The Man and I think everyone Hoped they wouldn't face any of that with me, including me.  *Smiles*  I've Witnessed too many Peers take the steep decline after a major Health incident, it can happen.   Ten Percent do Recover almost completely from having had a Stroke.   Not great Odds or Stats, not Betting Odds, but, at least possible, and I like that anything is considered possible or has stats to back it, even low and against the Odds.

And 25% have minor impairments, so we're up to 35% with those Stats you wanna be a part of.   Another 40% experience Moderate to Severe Impairments that require Special Care.  Ten percent Long Term Care.  And 15% Die shortly after.   I wanna say that I Feel I'm in the 35% percentile right now that I would aim to remain in if possible.   Tho' a fair percentile have another Stroke within the first Year, so Prevention is iffy and not an exact Science.   Mine came out of the Blue and I am not sure what, if anything, could have Prevented it?   Factors outside of my Control seem to be what was responsible.   I'm a Numbers Gal, always have been, so Stats are intriguing to me, tho' I don't feel you have to be a grim Statistic, even if they give you Grim Prognosis, you don't have to Receive that as an absolute.   Fatigue Management is my primary Focus right now, coz, the Fatigue is brutal Post Stroke and debilitating.   I will be discussing this with the Specialists assigned to me.

Enough whining about my Health, I don't wanna sound like those Ancients I don't wanna hang around coz they're always discussing their ailments.  It would scare me to think I'm turning into one!!!  More than having another Stroke.  *Bwahahahaha*   I am, however, gonna get Princess T in to have a Physical, she's got so many gut issues she seems sick all the time now and weighs 90 lbs..   She's always been Skinny and Tiny, but, it seems the Older she gets, the Skinnier and Tinier she seems to be getting and I just wanna make sure it's Normal for her?  I've done it before when she still saw a Pediatrician, they assured me back then, she's Fine and it is her Normal.  But, I can tell it's bothering her to be so Thin and Weigh as much as a Child, she says her Nickname at Work is Tiny.   I remember being a Young Adult and Weighing 98 lbs. and Hating it, and I'm Shorter and was heavier than she is now.  Only getting preggy and having Kids got me up over 100, her Mom, and my Mom too.

My Parents always told me when I was 3 I only weighed 16 lbs. and my 6 Month Old Baby Brother weighed much more than me!   Princess T had some Years she was a little bit thicker, but then she'd thin right out again during growth spurts.   Now she's Pipe Cleaner Limbed and reminds me of pixs of my Mom where she appeared to be wasting away, yet, didn't have an eating disorder or anything, just built like that and her Nickname was Olive Oyl {Popeye's Girlfriend}.   Mom loathed being so thin and so did The Daughter.   I remember The Daughter coming Home from Jr. High School crying coz someone made a comment she didn't understand, yet since everyone laughed she knew it was a slur about her Weight.  She said some Boy had called her a Starving Ethiopian and now some of the Kiddos were calling her that.  It was amusing only becoz I had to explain what they meant.  *Smiles*  Yeah, Geography and World History clearly wasn't her strength in School. 

She's had 5 Kids and stayed super Skinny clear into her Mid-40's and couldn't even fill out Spandex!  But now she's finally bulking up some as most of our Women did nearing 50 on Mom's side.  After that the Metabolism or a Hysterectomy changed and flipped that trajectory considerably.  On Mom's side it is only the Men who were incredibly big imposing sized Guys.  On Dad's side, all the Women remained rail Thin their entire Lives, so did the Men tho'.  All the Men on both sides are very Tall, The Son laments he didn't inherit that trait.  We thought he had, since he was always the biggest Kid in Class right up until Jr. High School and always beyond the growth percentile as a Younger Child and as an Infant, then he stalled out at Puberty.  And he was always stocky except for when he was Using.  

 Anyway, Princess T was telling me how bothered she is about Weighing only 90 lbs. and so we'll get her checked out.  She was born with gut issues and food allergies, so has to avoid a lot of foods, but, feels she has a fairly normal appetite and no apparent eating disorder and no Body Dysmorphia... just has to be fussy about what she eats or suffers pain if she eats it and can't keep it down either.  I'm hoping nothing is Wrong, but, it would give Peace of Mind if we know for sure.  She probably does have Acid Reflux too and we'll want to get that controlled before it does damage.   Early Mornings and late at Night are rough for her.   As a small Child she had to Sleep sitting up for 9 Years until she had an Operation to remove a benign Throat Tumor and got her chronic Respiratory conditions under control.   The Man had GERD beginning when he was very Thin and a tense, intense person like she is.   He still has a delicate Stomach and there's a lot he can't eat either, but he's been on Meds for it now a long time and it is Helpful.

She can't do Dairy or Fried Foods and the easiest Foods for Princess T to digest easily and without complications are Soups.   She Loves most of the Asian Soups and Cuisine, which don't exactly pack on Weight.   So we may also explore what supplemental Drinks she might benefit from that help with Weight Gain and balance out Nutrition if there are voids her Diet is causing?   We've tried some I know of but she says they taste horrible and I tried them, she's Right, I couldn't be able to get one down without gakking.   Now me, I got a Stomach like a Goat, so I simply cannot relate to those with a delicate constitution and have to be so careful about their diet and what foods would trigger a condition they have, to where it would cause intense suffering.   But, I do have compassion coz I am a Type II Diabetic so tho' I can eat any Foods, there are some I have to choose not to also now.   And Weight Gain can be as difficult as Weight Loss if you have a disposition to either being overweight or underweight.

And I know those of you battling Weight Gain say you'd prefer to battle Weight Loss, but I've been on both sides of that equation and Trust & Believe neither is preferable.   I used to loathe having to shop in the Children's section of Stores as a Grown Ass Woman to buy my Clothing. Becoz I wore a Size 0-1 until I was almost 30 and the Adult Section would be lucky if they had even One item in that Size and it would always be Black, which made you just look Skinnier!   And, Children's Clothing LOOKS like it's Designed for a Kid, so, as a Corporate Executive it wasn't the Look I was going for!  *LOL*   Do you think anyone takes you Seriously when you're Dressed like a 12 Year Old?  *Smiles*  And most American 12 Year Olds actually outweighed me when I was in my 20's!  Americans aren't known for their slender Children. 

 If your Kid is Thin they really stand out like a sore Thumb!  I literally had School Admin asking my Naturally Skinny Kiddos if they got enuf to eat at Home! *Bwahahaha*   Once in Jr. High School tho' The Daughter said she didn't, becoz that Kid could outeat a Grown Ass Man, but they sent her Home with Paperwork for the Free Lunch Program for me to fill out!  Thinking we were too Proud to ask for Nutritional Assistance!  I had to go in and tell them we weren't Poor and had plenty, she just ate a lot and stayed Thin. {She still does!}  But they said The Daughter often would eat some of her Friend's Lunches as well as what I sent her to School with!   When I questioned her about it, she said some of the chubby Girls were Bulimic, so they were only gonna throw up the Food, so she'd just tell them not to waste it and give it to her instead!!!   So I told Admin perhaps they should be contacting those Parents to address their Children's concerning Eating Disorder before it became out of Control!!!

Plus, being an Old Hippie, our Family always ate more Health Foods and Healthier Fare, a lot more Fresh Ethnic Foods, than the Average American Family.  I knew this and so my Kiddos, both Generations of them I Raised, were always the Weirdos that at a Kid's Birthday Party, went mostly for the Social Aspect.   And declined most of the Party Fare, waiting to eat when they got Home and had the Foods they preferred over that Junk Food and Sugar loaded shit presented at the Party.  To this day, when given the option of eating at a Fast Food Restaurant or a Vietnamese or Thai Restaurant, they'll choose the latter every time, as would I.   We Joke that we eat more Asian Food than most American Asian Families... the Cambodian DIL Testified to that fact.   She always said for a Non-Asian, we ate the same as most Asian Immigrants!  That after only One Generation of Living in America, most Asians that assimilate and eat American Food, don't resemble their Ethnicity anymore!  *LOL*

Her Younger Brother came here as a Small Child, so he always preferred American Food over Traditional Cambodian Food.   So, all of their Family is really tiny, well under 5 ft. and diminutive Weight, except for her Brother, who is over 6 ft. tall and doesn't even look Cambodian, or like part of the Family, I Kid you not!!!  Our Vietnamese Friends who are Immigrants, but their Kiddos were Born and Raised here, their Kids are American Sized too!!!   The Boys especially are huge sized Men now, like MMA Fighter Tall and Muscular and don't even look Vietnamese compared to their Parents, Aunts and Uncles that grew up in Vietnam!!! *LOL*  So, most of it is due to our American Diet and whatever additives, growth hormones and poor nutrition is in it my Friends!   I know The Young Prince always has joked with me that the places I prefer to Shop for our Groceries even SMELL Healthier, and they do, coz it's all Fresher and more Natural or Organically Grown Foods.  And I do Dial it Back for the sake of The Man.  *Le Sigh*

He'll be like, Honey, can you just let me Die Naturally from an American Diet, Please?  *Bwahahahaha*   He would have made a piss poor Hippie, I ain't gonna Lie... he ain't no Nature Boy or Granola Guy when it comes to what he prefers to eat.   I have to sneak Healthy shit into his Diet. *Smiles*   After over a Decade of living in a Cambodian Household The Son got very used to eating Healthier fare and looked his best when he ate almost exclusively his Ex's Cultural Cuisine.   He'd joke that he was even looking Asian and people mistook him for being an Amerasian when he and his Ex were together.  That's not so Surprising and it was true actually, since The Son looks like my Dad's side of the Family and a lot like my Ex, who was also part Indigenous.  So, many people mistook my Dad for being Asian, even Asians did, which was rather hilarious!  Since they saw so few Native Americans outside of a Reservation.   Some had never seen a Native American in their entire Lifetime in fact, he might have been their first and only encounter with one.

Even in his Tour during Vietnam, Dad said most of the Vietnamese mistook him as being one of their "Jungle People".   The Vietnamese Indigenous Ethnic Groups, who do resemble some of North America's Tribal Indigenous Ethnic Groups.   When I see Pixs of those Groups from Vietnam's Tribal People, yep, I see the resemblance to many of my Dad's Family, for sure.   I would be hard pressed to tell the difference too, I ain't gonna Lie.  Asian Indigenous or North American Indigenous, the Handsome Elder Man above would have me waffling to say for sure that he wasn't an American Indian, coz he looks very much like many of my Paternal Relatives, but, he's Asian Indigenous from Vietnam.   But, I could mistake him for being a long lost Relative.  *LOL*

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Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian