This will now be the 4th Unpublished Post ahead, whoop whoop! I'm on a Bloggy Roll to keep my Head Space Right and in the Game without going Off Rails from doing too much with very little Down Time or Me Time. The Blogging is Me Time even if I'm not leaving the House. I can pop in here behind the Computer Screen off and on to work on a Post as Time permits thruout any given Day or Night. I Type and Think very fast, so can knock out a Post with a Racing Stream of Consciousness that never really slows down to a Normal Pace. The Stroke I had, back last December, only slowed it down some until I recovered enuf my Brain rewired itself back to Warp ADHD Bipolar Speed with more than a Touch of OCD as a Garnish. *Bwahahahaa* This Post will be sprinkled with Images of Adult Grandkids and the Great-Grandkid Littles, and Cousins, since, that's the Imagery I'm receiving right now from Family.
And I've got a lot to say and usually nobody to say it to, so this is like Journaling without Talking about any of it out loud. Which is Fine, coz Oddly, tho' I don't mind Blogging about all of it, I don't like Talking about any of it, is that Weird? I think it's Weird, but, I am a self-professed Weirdo and most of the time I am Stoic and just hold my Mud in Real Life without uttering Negative shit. I'd rather give Life and Energies to Positive Words all day long instead. Or if what I'm about to say isn't an improvement over Silence, it remains unsaid. If in Polite Exchanges, not meant to really Know what you're going thru in response, ask how I'm doing, I just usually say, "Living The Dream" or, "Fine, and how about Yourself", they say Fine, and and we keep it moving. People aren't asking casually how you're doing to wanna really KNOW how you're actually fucking doing, nobody Cares to Hear it, unless it's Good.
And, I am as Guilty as anyone of saying that dumb shit we don't want ACTUAL responses to when we Greet someone casually, but are just being Polite and Sociable in a Non-Committal, Non-Invested, no Intentions of getting Involved kinda way. Everyone has their own shit and baggage to Deal with, we don't need to carry someone else's really that further weigh Life down. But in Blogs we can keep it 100%, well, some Bloggers do... and if we want to Involve ourselves with it we can in whatever Online way is Sincere, but different than actually Being There. Sometimes people just Need to be Heard. Or Read. Whatever, it's kinda the same thing and far Cheaper than paying some Therapist an outrageous Fee per Hour to Hear you and then say, "And how do you Feel about that? And BTW, your Time is up for Today's Session, that's all the Hearing you get for this Price." *Bwahahaha*
And, I don't want to attract criticism from anyone who is a Therapist or who gets beneficial Treatment from one, perhaps if it's Working for you and you can afford it or have it covered, it's better you receive it. I don't presume to know. I just know on an Intellectual Level, they can't Fix any of what my Problems actually are, I will leave the Office with them, just like this Blog doesn't Fix any of them either, but it's Free, and so I can afford that and do it as much as I want or Need to. *Winks* I was Mandated once, after that infamous Psyche Lockdown Episode Years ago, to see a Psychiatrist and Therapist for some mandatory After Care. I did it, wasn't Helpful at all for me personally, so I quit going and they don't bother to ever follow-up coz they don't have to and can't force you to receive Treatment or take whatever Meds they feel you Need, but don't 'Cure' anything, just MEBBE Manage it.
Above is Granddaughter in Yellow with a BFF, her 29th Birthday is in 2 Days in Real Time. But, I digress, back on Topic... I don't personally respond well to Psyche Meds so they've always had to take me off them even the few times I took some, it made things way worse. Paxil I took for about 48 Hours and I beat the shit out of my Dear Husband while on it and don't even remember doing it!!! So, no Paxil for me, that was a frightening Side Effect making me so aggressive and unaware of said aggression! The Man said I went completely Feral on that Medication, so they took me off it immediately. And during Psyche Lockdown I faked taking all the Meds they want you Zombied Out on. Why? Coz it was too fucking dangerous in there to be High as Fuck or Zombied Out, it was Mixed Company, all Ages and Conditions. People were getting Raped, harmed by other more dangerous folks being held against their Will in there, some for serious Criminal Behaviors. No Thanks, I needed to do that involuntary stint completely Clean and on High Alert.
And the infamous Showdown I had with the Insane Big Young Male Murderer made me realize, within an Hour of arrival, that I couldn't be under the influence of anything that would make me passive and an easy Mark. I'm already Old and Female, strike Three would have been all fucked up on strong Psyche Meds meant to make me easy to Manage by Staff, but way more vulnerable. I made sure I wasn't enuf Trouble that I'd be doing the Thorazine Shuffle and get that Shot in the Ass involuntarily administered, I might be Crazy, but I have never been Stupid about things. And me and Insane Dude had our Understanding within that critical First Hour and once he left me Be, everyone else did too, coz, he was the Scariest Guy on the Ward. And if I Handled him, they knew I could and would damn sure Handle them. Fear being the most powerful deterrent from folks fucking with you or even wanting to. And if you're already Unwell and not doing Well, you don't want to Deal with other Folks Issues and Drama at all. And you shouldn't have to.
And that's also why I don't want any of my Loved Ones Institutionalized even tho' from Time to Time they've had to be. It's not a Safe Space for them to end up in and it's never Helpful, whether it's a Penal Institution or a Psychiatric one... or both. The Daughter has been in and out of both since her Teen Years, it's never Helped, ever. The Grandson has been Institutionalized Thrice, twice Psychiatric, once Penal for defending himself from Homophobic Cops in Washington State who were beating the shit out of him, when they realized they were responding to a Trans Man with Mental Health Issues, rather than a Biological Woman being restrained by a Boyfriend. Allen ended up arrested to for then defending his Boyfriend from the Police, it was a total Cluster Fuck of Police Brutality and all Charges did get dropped.
But Lockup was very hard on a Trans Person in a Male Penal Population, he did not feel Safe or Protected AT ALL. The Son has done some Jail Time, and Psyche Ward Time too, but also had Charges dropped or reduced coz he's not a Criminal, he's made some foolish and bad choices tho', typically Autistic influenced Bad/Poor Decision making he will always just have. He said he's glad he's wanting to be a Law Abiding Citizen coz Jail weren't no Fun and being on the Streets even less Fun, Psyche Wards are pure Hell, so you really have to get your Life together enuf you don't end up in any, for any reasons. Addiction will get you locked up sometimes, whether for drunkenness or being High.
So it's just best to be Clean and Sober if you can manage it and not self-medicate, even if Dealing with your Psychiatric Demons without something taking the Edge off is very, very hard. I've done it Clean and Sober, but, not everyone can and most tend to self-medicate or be on prescribed Meds to Manage it somewhat, or try to Escape from it temporarily. The Man has many times ended up at the VA Hospital Psyche Ward with PTSD and the TBI when I can't Manage it and need Help with that, since both are Forever. If you have something that there is no Cure for, you must do the best you can with having it and just Living Life with whatever it is permanently. With Mental Illness there is very little Science behind the Treatments IMO, they're still mostly winging it with what they prescribe, and almost no Two Psychiatrists will agree on even the Meds sometimes.
The amount of different Psyche Meds my Loved ones have been prescribed for SMI is like a fucking Laundry List of Trial and sometimes Errors. And loads of harmful Side Effects, that could actually Kill you or shut down Organs if you're on the Meds a prolonged amount of time. And lets face it, since there's no Cure you'll be on them a prolonged amount of fucking time, won't you? Until they take you off them completely coz the harm from the Meds outweighs the benefits of Managing the Illness. So your Loved ones are on and off Meds constantly, and it's hard enuf to get someone with Mental Illness to consistently even take their Meds, let alone when it becomes such an Ordeal and results are sketchy and questionable, or cause harmful Side Effects. The Young Prince would joke that he came off his Meds by Age 15, that he'd been on since Age 7, coz tho' they stopped him from wanting to Kill himself, they were Killing him in the end, so it was a total Catch-22 Situation.
Rehabs won't always take those with SMI, if they're trying to get Clean from Substance Abuse, they'll pop them in Psyche Wards instead every time. I tell these things so the General Public will know how The System doesn't fucking Work at all most of the time for Care or even for After Care, for people who desperately Need both and aren't getting it. Or are just Warehoused, like ICE Detention... ummm, Concentration Camps are doing to Profit off of the Immigration Cluster Fuck folly. Just follow the Money, it's all about the Money. It's not about Immigration, not about Due Process or doing the Right or Lawful thing, not about locking up the Worst of them coming here Illegally, not to keep you Safe America. Just about Privatizing Profit Making Institutions that someone is getting filthy Rich from and being mostly Funded by you, the Taxpayers, footing the outrageous expenses of and they're throwing Money at like we don't have a huge National Deficit/Debt.
Expect before his Term is up for him to Bankrupt America and put us Trillions more in Debt... Yep, Trillions with a Capital T and Plural. And to make himself, his Family and Nepo Hires wealthier in the doing of it. Pretty sure he's enriching Foreign Bad Actors as well, in the Selling Out of America he's engaging in and ramping up daily coz nobody is stopping him and have given him complete Immunity from the worse of Crimes, including but not limited to Treason. In fact, every Accusation he's making about anyone, is an Admission of his own Guilt of doing just that, coz, it's his predictable "Tell". He can't Help himself, it's his M.O. and always has been and it's worked for him, so he works it. He hasn't Changed at all, but America sure has. I don't even recognize this America and it makes me Ashamed, Embarrassed and Angry that it IS who America is now. The World watches us implode in on ourselves.
The saddest part to me is that it was all avoidable and didn't have to happen if 2.0 hadn't been Voted in and Competent Leadership had instead been installed. We had that opportunity... and IMO, if any Election was indeed 'Rigged' that one was in 2024, I do Believe Kamala Won that and that Election interference happened and Elon eluded to Buying the Election, and I don't doubt it was Bought and the Accusations made against the Opposition, as always, was an Admission of their own Guilt and a Strong "Tell". The Results were Accepted, and mebbe they shouldn't have been and should have been contested, questioned and investigated, to ensure and to avoid the outcome we now have that probably wasn't legit? After all, they've made it abundantly clear that if they Lose it wasn't Free and Fair but if they Win it was, and that just doesn't ever Square. And I'm Positive they'll mess with the Midterms and any Future Elections now if Voter Suppression and Fraud doesn't work out for them sufficiently. Trust had been perhaps irreparably broken with the American People.
Whatever Trust I might have previously had of our Government, I no longer have at all, none. It's no longer even pretending to represent us, and definitely not me and mine, anymore, and so the only thing they've Earned is our complete Distrust of them. How they will try to remedy that will take a lot of fucking Work on their part to Earn back our Trust collectively. I got some light Grocery Shopping done this Morning for necessities. Mostly for hydration since it's getting Hot again and we go thru a lot of fluids to keep hydrated in Spring and Summer, so when the Dollar Store has what we use, I buy it in bulk while they have it. They don't always get the same shipments in, so you got to get yours while there's still some left.
Another Medical Emergency transpired on Tuesday Morning with The Man. Nurse Remi came at 11:00 a.m. and didn't like the look of his Legs and Feet at all, they were shiny and so swollen now that he had his skin split a bit and ooze on one Leg, not Good!!! She wanted me to take him to the ER right away after the PT Guy showed up, since John was slated to be here between 10:00 and Noon. Well, John ended up being a No Show and didn't even give the Courtesy of a Phone Call as to why? And, I didn't have a Point of Contact direct Number for him either, so, not impressed with whoever is Contracting that Work, it was inconvenient enough to have a Two Hour Window to wait on him to arrive, without him never showing up or cancelling. Plus, with us having another Medical Emergency transpiring, I just left by 12:30, since if he was gonna be over half an Hour late, well, fuck him.
They ran a bunch of Tests on The Man, all the Doctors and Nurses at the ER remembered us, we're there all the damned time lately, but they're so sweet about greeting us warmly, as if now we're Old Friends. *Smiles* I guess we are a Memorable Couple of Old Geezers? *Winks* And they always tell The Man he's Lucky to have me coz I'm taking such good Care of him and keeping on top of things, which makes me feel like I must be doing a decent Caregiving Job of it and boosts my confidence in the doing of it. It's so easy to 2nd Guess yourself as a Caregiver with no formal Medical Training, mostly winging it and feeling quite overwhelmed and incompetent at times to meet them at their Point of Need adequately enough.
So, they reduced his Swelling, his Heart seemed to be doing okay, his BP was good, his Sugars were shit tho', 304, which is near Keytones range and a Bad Reading. He had hardly eaten anything Today coz of not Feeling good, so nothing should have spiked it that high. They brought that down too. They gave his Lasix, a Diuretic and now prescribed it for him. It only Cost me 72 Cents at the Civilian Pharmacy. *Whew* They want him to do more follow-up with his Cardiologist due to this Episode to make sure his Kidneys aren't failing or he's not getting Congestive Heart Failure, coz those were my concerns and they said that was perceptive of me. I had ran my concerns by Nurse Remi and she agreed, she thought the same thing might be going sideways with Heart or Kidneys. He doesn't see the Kidney Specialist 'til EOM.
So, I was at the ER from about 12:45 to almost 6:00 p.m., long Day. I got Chinese Take-out on the way Home. Our fav little Family Owned Chinese Restaurant is beside the Pharmacy at "Fry's" I went to and they had some new Mix N Match on their Menu. So, I tried it and liked it, had the Orange Chicken with the Mongolian Beef, Fried Rice, Noodles and Eggroll. The Man chose Sweet N Sour Pork. I Shared mine with Princess T and The Man Shared his with The Son. The Young Prince can't eat Pork and isn't Peopling Today so it's doubtful he'll come out of his Room anyway. He'd spent the Day at his Dad's so didn't know about all the Emergency with Grandpa until he got Home. Rusty picked Princess T up from Work for me, Bless him.
Spending that many Hours at an ER is grueling, they saw him right away, but his Eval and Treatment just took that many Hours and I was concerned he'd have to be Hospitalized again. But, they sent him Home and he's Happy that they did, he was getting agitated after several Hours and more uncooperative for me there. At Home he's more compliant. There was another Old Man in the curtained off area next to ours who was complaining loudly, wanting loads of attention from staff, puking a lot, in Pain and not handling it well, and carrying on something fierce and I think that wound The Man up. He was starting to complain that Guy was getting on his last Raw Nerve!!! Ruh Roh, coz frankly that Guy was getting on my last Raw Nerve too and the Staff's. He kept yelling "Help me, somebody please Help me" like he was Dying, and then just ask for a Warm Blanket!!! Then, finally someone he knew showed up and he went from Whining in English, to Happily speaking with his Male Friend in Spanish, Laughing, Joking, like nothing at all was Wrong with him, WTF?!
Then when the Friend left, he went right back to Whining loudly in English and carrying on, as if in excruciating Pain, when, just Moments before he was Laughing and Joking in a whole other Tone of Voice and Language. I got the Sense he was milking it for to get some Strong Pain Meds and mebbe he's Addicted? Coz they kept telling him they couldn't give him "That", so I don't know what he was requesting, but it obviously was a Controlled Substance and the Doctor wasn't prescribing it for what he'd come in for. A lot of Junkies go to an ER trying to get what they're Jonesin' for, especially if they are in the throes of Withdrawal from it. He said he had Stomach Pain and frankly, it sounded to me like he was going thru Withdrawal and possibly Detoxing from whatever he usually takes and might be Addicted to or Abusing? Just a hunch coz I have had Family Members who were Addicts and a First Husband who was. This Guy was in his 70's and I know this coz he kept yelling how Old he was and that he'd never been in such Pain in all his Seventy Plus Years.
The Man was trying to be Stoic, but that Guy hollering his Lungs out for Hours on end, it was getting on everyone's last Raw Nerve after a while. I was Hoping they'd Sedate this Fool so the rest of us could be spared the constant Screaming and acting up. He was still there when we left, and we'd been there almost Six Hours listening to all of that by us with just a fucking Curtain separating his Bed from The Man's. *Le Sigh* At one point The Man was gonna get out of his Bed and go over and tell him to shut the Fuck Up already!!! Oh, my. I didn't Need for The Man, whose usually very non-confrontational, to go off the Deep End on another Seventy-Plus Year Old acting the Fool. Luckily they had The Man hooked up to shit and so he couldn't, and I Calmed him and asked our Dear Nurse, who was also that Guy's ER Nurse, if someone could mebbe go see what that Man was hollering so much about and for?
There was a Lady that came in wearing the exact same T-Shirt as The Man was wearing, what are the Odds? And everyone noticed, even the Doctor, so we all joked about them getting the Memo, or perhaps being Siblings/Twins? *LOL* It is Red and says something to the effect that I'm not Lazy, I just really Enjoy doing Nothing. The ER was pretty busy when we got there, but by the time we were leaving it had emptied out, even the Parking Lot had. We were there long enuf for a Shift Change, both our Doctor's were so Nice. The first was a Male Stud Muffin Doctor we'd seen before who had a Wicked sense of Humor, we really like him. The Shift Change occurred and we got a Young Pretty Female Doctor with lots of Grey & White Nature Tattoos, who didn't even look Old enuf to be a Doctor, but was so Nice too and we really liked her as well. She consulted with Dr. Pham, who'd done his Heart Procedure, before sending us Home. His Nurses were all ER Nurses we'd had before.
Having so many familiar Faces who remembered him was Comforting to him and they're all so Nice at that Hospital, and on top of their Game, which is Why I always take him there even tho' there's a Hospital closer to the House. The Hospital Closer has great In-Patient Care but their ER is atrocious, you could literally Die at that ER. Even when Presenting with something like a Heart Attack or Stroke in progress, coz they don't take much very Seriously it seems, or as Seriously as they should. And, they're always overwhelmed and seemingly understaffed at that ER as well and get a lot more Street People and The Human Sideshow coming in. So Security is really busy too handling the High Drama People coming in. I don't like that, you never know what Street People are gonna do or what some are On that they will be unpredictable and potentially Dangerous to be around.
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