Close Up Visuals And Personal Blogging

 

The Young Prince was Emotional coz Allen sent him the Money necessary to repair his expensive Phone and ensure he got thru until his Social Services here are able to be applied for.   Allen has always been Generous.  The Young Prince otherwise only has about $198 of Emergency Nutritional Assistance that New Mexico allows him to transfer to here and use until he can apply in a new State.   But, after that he has no Money of his own.  He's on our Phone Plan, but Allen had bought him a very expensive Phone, so it's worth Repairing and not Replacing.  But the Repairs were gonna cost more than Buying a New Cheap Phone.

 Boring Car Guy has been financially generous, they're getting along really well apparently and he's a CDL Driver of Rigs, so I guess that's what he does.  A few of our close Neighbors here on our Street are Truckers too and own their own Rigs.  The Young Prince said except for the Boring Car Conversations, BCG is very Intelligent and can talk about anything deeply, so he enjoys the Intellectual exchanges they have.  It can be hard for me to have the really DEEP Conversations my Grandson wants to have about topics that are way over my Head, so I'm glad he's found someone Intellectually on par with him, I'm not, doubt my IQ is anywhere close to 148.

   Allen was, that was the main attraction, Allen due to his Autism I suspect, was quite Genius.  He Fixated on really Deep Subject matter like Astrophysics.  His Hero is Elon Musk, he relates to Elon, I can see why. Even tho' he worked at a very demanding Manual Labor Job, he could have run the place and Top Management knew that about him.  He'd have the Owners of the Slaughterhouse often have Meetings with him to discuss how to best do things efficiently and improve the Business Model.  But, also, due to the Autism, he didn't want to be promoted to a managerial position coz he'd have to work with People... and... that could be a stretch for him... the Peopling part of it.  *LOL*  The same with The Son, they always wanted him to go into Management in The Trades, his Autism stood in the way, so he'd decline the offers.  Many of his Employers never understood why, I do.

Anyway, it also stands in the way of many of their Relationships for exactly the same reasons.  I know I have undiagnosed Adult Female Autism, not uncommon, the diagnosis for Female Children under the Age of 18 who have it is often missed, Females "Mask" better in Childhood, and by Adulthood "Mimic" to overcome a lot of the barriers the Autism has always presented to them.   I have co-occurring conditions, which is pretty common too, the OCD, ADHD, Sleep Disorder, heightened Sensitivities, Repetitive stimming to help me Self-Regulate, Fixation on specific things, Bipolar I disorder, easily triggered Aggression, and Social awkwardness coz I don't connect easily, all Track with having it, just not having it diagnosed formally.   I totally can relate to other folks on the Spectrum, many of their struggles are or have been my own.

The Son's Girlfriend is also an undiagnosed Adult Female with Autism, she did finally get diagnosed as an Adult, her Son also has it.  He got diagnosed very early, as did my Son.  The Son has it, it was painfully evident very early on too, and so she and he totally 'Get' each other as a Couple.  She finds it easy to Connect to me becoz she said she could tell I have it too.  She doesn't Connect to many People.  Even my own Family had trouble Connecting to me as a Child.  I was a very different kind of Child.  I was very advanced on an Intellectual level, but Connecting to People and Fitting In, was and still is really hard for me.  And I don't really WANT to either, a little bit of anyone can and does go a real long way with me.  *Smiles* 

 I do better Connecting on a Blog than I'd ever do in Real Life.  Becoz then I'd have to actually Work to get along with you no matter how great you all are.  *Smiles*  It would have nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with how I just am and always will be.  Autism doesn't get worse, but it doesn't get better either.  *Le Sigh*    I've had other Autistic People tell me that they could tell I have it too, even tho' I was quite Old before I suspected that was part of what was Wrong with me.  *LOL*  And Trust me, you know you are Different from an early Age.  I remember being in about Kindergarten and realizing, I'm not like these other Kids and I don't know Why... but, I definitely am!   And it's not like they and my Teachers don't Know it!!!  *LOL*

  You KNOW something is definitely Wrong and not Tracking with Garden Variety folks, but if you remain undiagnosed, you really don't know what it is that is Wrong, you just know you're quite Different.  And that People don't Like "Different" and often Fear it and have Strong Biases about it.   So you just imitate Socially more acceptable Behaviors so that Socially you can blend in better and not be such a Weirdo.  Tho' I am perfectly Fine being that Weirdo and those who are Close to me accept how Weird and Socially challenged I just am.   *Ha ha ha*

  My Teachers knew I was Bright, but really struggled to know what to do with me.  In those Days everyone got Mainstreamed, even the severely Developmentally Disabled Kids.  The savvy Teachers challenged me and taught me off the curriculum of my Classmates coz I'd lose Interest otherwise.  A 1st Grade Teacher gave me Algebra when she saw how Idiot Savant I was about Numbers and Money in particular.  *Bwahahaha*  I actually Suck at Math, but am great with Statistics and Financial shit or noticing when anything is 'Off' even slightly, it's a Super Power.  But, I couldn't even tell Time until about Jr. High School!  And Complex shit was easy and Simple shit was hard, I Aced every Test my Teachers gave me and Bored in Class to a degree I was a distraction to everyone around me.

I LIKE People, it's just that I'm Nice to all of them and Close to almost None of them, if that makes any sense?   And I'm satisfied with it being that way, I KNOW a lot of People, I almost seem to know everyone in Real Life, so long as it's relatively brief Interactions, I can Manage that.  Anything more Invested, then, well, I'm not all that comfortable coz it Drains me to put in the Work I know it will require of me to be that Close to you.   Thus, Relationships are tricky for me to sustain and until I was quite Mature, I wrecked a lot of my Relationships, especially Romantic ones.   If I am your Friend and allow you into my Inner Circle, I'm Ride or Die tho' and Loyal to a Fault, you know, the kind that would help you dispose of the Body type of Friend.  Even tho' I wouldn't be pleased you got a Body Count going on and implicated me now.  *Winks*

Hyperbole of coarse, but, my Friends know that if they are Close to me, I got their Back no matter what.   I think I bond with Cats more than Dogs becoz I do feel sometimes like the Human equivalent to a Cat in so many ways.  If you've studied Cat Behavior opposed to Dog Behavior, you'd understand the stark differences.  I'm definitely not a Pack Animal and abhor Herd or Hive Mentality too.  Google says it best if you key in the differences between Felines and Canines:  Cats are generally Solitary, Independent obligate Carnivores that Mark Territory and communicate via Scent.  While Dogs are Social Pack-oriented Omnivores that rely on Vocalizations, Body Language and Human Companionship.  

Dogs are more eager to Please... Cats really could give a Fuck about Pleasing anyone.  If you're a Cat Person or a Dog Person, you probably share Traits with your preferred Domestic Animal Species more?  I know I do.  I Like Dogs, I just never feel compelled to have one over having a Cat.   I actually Like that my Cats who've Shared Life with us are rather aloof about our Relationship.  I've had Dogs, mostly growing up coz my Parents were definitely Dog People, so we always had one, tho' we did have some Cats at times, but Siamese mostly, coz they're almost like having a Dog, if you are familiar with how different they are than most Cat Breeds?  

 They were actually developed with a very specific almost Un-Cat-Like set of Traits and Social Temperament.  Focusing on High Socialization, Intelligence, and a distinct Aesthetic, often Companions to Royalty in Ancient Thailand, they can form a Deep Bond with One Person, THEIR Person.  My Parents had Two huge magnificent looking Siamese Cats when I was an Infant/Toddler Aged and they Protected me much like a Family Dog would have.  The Female, Cho-Cho Sandara, I still have Memories of, for the life of me I can't recall the Name of the Male one right now, he had a very pretentious Name too.  *Bwahahaha*  My Mom was very Bougee about Naming her Animals.

I think I can be very Private in Real Life and Online not really Care about the Close-Ups Visually and being more Personal or even more Vulnerable.  Mostly due to a Strange Outlook I have about Caring.  I realize that in Real Life most people fail to Care, so why Share anything Personal, Intimate or particularly Vulnerable with the Uncaring?  It serves no Purpose whatsoever and I'm very Purposeful in damned near everything I do.  It bothers my Family sometimes that if something has no Purpose or Payoff, I'm just not gonna bother at all or even Pretend to think it's Important either.  Swipe Left and keep it Moving.  Is this Beneficial, is always my 1st Question?  If it isn't gonna be Helpful in any way, Serve no Purpose, or not have a Payoff, I'm just not wasting Time or Energy on it.  Blogging is different, to me this isn't even Serious, it's Enjoyable and Therapeutic.   It's like Art, it Feeds the Soul for me.

 

So, I don't really Care how much of myself is in my Art or in my Blog, once Created, I've moved past it instantly and will likely discard it without a Thought either.  It's not any attachment to the Outcome that I have... Temporary things that have no permanence I discard easily and freely.  That means People too if they are Temporary and unimportant Relationships to me.  Sorry, not sorry, they'll be just Fine with my absence, as I haven't Invested in Cultivating it further, kept it Superficial on Purpose, and they can go on their way too, Be Well and Be Gone.  I know, seems Cold, huh?  Or, so I've been told.  *LOL and Winks*  But, what if they wanted more, well, then they gotta get that from someone else, coz I wouldn't be The One, clearly.  I don't have the capacity to be and I know this about myself.

The Man has been a Constant only becoz he really Gets me even tho' he's nothing at all like me, we're Yin and Yang, opposites do indeed attract like that.   He knows that I require a certain amount of Apartness as well as the Togetherness Thing.  My Kiddos all know that too, they know that sometimes I don't want People around, and it's not Personal, it's how I recalibrate and regular myself to stay Centered and functional.  Otherwise shit would fall apart if anyone was too demanding of being Together all the time, I'd feel suffocated and smothered.  I'm not Interested in the least of being Together that much of the time with anyone I've ever met, no matter how Wonderful they are.  You're Great, now just leave me Alone for a while... Thank You... much Appreciated.  *Winks*

  

I can get Lost in anything Visual and especially Artsy tho', Lord have Mercy for me that is Endless Bliss.   And Nature, can't get enuf of being Alone in Nature, not that I wanna be some Recluse like The Man would be Happy and Content being.  The Wilderness too far removed is just not stimulating enuf for me, nor is Rural Life, I Bored so quickly with that and resented the disconnect from stimulating activities that Urban Life provides all of the time.   I can only do Get Away Vacays for perhaps 3 Days Tops, then I gotta Bounce.  The sameness of Days and the Simplicity when your Mind Spins, is just excruciating to endure for more than about 48 Hours before you would begin to go Mad I think!!!???  I almost went Mad in Rural Affluent Subdivision Hell, I hadda get out of there.  Pretentious and Arrogant folks were just too annoying too, and so Shallow, no Depth to them, even with one another.  Being Fake or disingenuous is something I can't and don't Trust in someone.  

 

You can Keep it 100 with me and no matter how difficult you being that way can be, I prefer it.  Authenticity and transparency matters to me I guess, so is Honesty and being Kind.   Hateful, Cruel and Dishonest folks, I just don't know how anyone bonds with them or wants to be around them?   I guess Birds of a Feather and all that must be the only logical explanation???  If you show yourself to be of that Tribe, then I am perfectly Fine with dropping you like a Rock.  No matter how long you may have had a pretty Believable facade you fooled everyone with, before Revealing your True Self to be that way.  Now that I Got your Number, and it's Exposed, yeah, Be Well and Be Gone... we can't be Friends anymore.  You've now repulsed me and made me Question your Character, your Moral Compass, and your very Essence.  I think the whole MAGA Movement sure Exposed a LOT of folks Real Selves, didn't it?

I went to "Lowe's" Plant Nursery and they were cheaper than "Home Depot" and give me a Military Discount.  So, I got some Bonsai Basil and some Spearmint... or was it Peppermint?   It was one or the other.  *LOL*   I have to get some more Miracle Gro Soil tho'.  The Talavera Pot I'm putting the Mint in is bigger than I thought it was.  I took The Man out for Breakfast and to walk around our Antique Mall hanging onto a Cart.  He's still unsteady on his Feet and even at the Restaurant struggled to sit in a Chair so I had him sit on the padded Bench Seat instead so he didn't miss the Chair!!!  I don't know what's going on with him, but his Brain and his Legs aren't in sync it seems, so I think it's more than Muscle Weakness.

I ordered the Seasonal Chimichurri Steak & Eggs Hash, it was Sublime.  He was having trouble ordering off the Menu too, confused, so I helped out with that, our Young Male Waiter was Patient and so Kind about it.  I ordered him the Salmon Bennie coz I knew he'd eat that without playing with it, he Loves Salmon and it looked as good as he said it tasted.  He didn't eat his Tater Home Fries but we just took that Home and the English Muffin his Bennie was on.  Getting the Salmon and Egg down him was enuf and I got sneaky with his Drink.  Which, to get him to have anything Healthful you have to be sneaky about it.

I ordered one of those Health Drinks of Juice that "First Watch" has called The Morning Meditation.  It's pretty and has Orange, Lemon, Turmeric, Organic Ginger, Agave Nectar and Beet.  He'd never order something like that for himself, but it looked pretty and he drank it all up unaware of the Health benefits.  *Winks and Chuckles*  He was Eyeballing it suspiciously tho' and I had to convince him it wasn't Alcoholic even tho' it is made at the Bar.  *LOL*  They do have boozy Drinks but we aren't Drinkers.  Mine was a delicious Honey Caramel Crunch Iced Coffee, Sublime and Editorial looking too!!!

They give Military Discounts too and it's only about a Block from our House, so very convenient.  I wasn't keeping him out long since I doubted he was really up to it but had been pouty that Yesterday I took both Grandkids out, but not him.  I just didn't need to risk him taking another Fall and he was wobbly as a Weeble that day, only Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, as the Kid's Commercial went.  *LOL*  Plus, he's "Over" having a Show of his Cane already!  Any of them.  *Le Sigh*  I knew he wouldn't use it, just act like he was All In while his VA Nurse was here and made a big Show of having it with him like he was gonna use it consistently now to avoid another Fall.  *Eye Roll*  He'll Promise to use it if I say it's a prerequisite for taking him out.  And then... once he's out and about, he's battling you about using it then, to where I'm just gonna get upset with him.

You know when you have an uncooperative Toddler in tow?  In Public.  Well, it's rather like THAT once he's already been taken out after Promising to Behave.  *Huge Sigh and Big Eye Roll*  So, if he's too belligerent, then Home we go and abort whatever it was we were gonna do, but, it really doesn't make any impact for next time, he's forgotten already that his misbehavior had consequences.  So, whaddya gonna do?  And, furthermore, he'll swear he did Behave and I was just being Mean Spirited.   Oh, Lord... the Kiddos can tell by my Resting Bitch Face that Dad/Grandpa is now telling Stories.  *Bwahahahahaha*  

 

This is why I'm certain it's the same reason Donnie Two Dolls makes shit up all the time no matter how outrageous, he's way more Far Gone with Dementia than my Old Man is... and, even when Young The Donald was a habitual Liar and Bullshit Artist.  The Man was always very Honest, so it's out of Character for him to make shit up, but he does all the time now and thinks it's all Real and True.   And sometimes it's something that just happened on an Episode of his Favorite Rerun Shows like "NCIS" or the New "Hawaii Five-O", so I just Hope whoever he's telling it to hasn't just seen that Episode and think, wait a minute... that sounds familiar?!   Didn't I just see that on...  *Bwahahahaha*

This Morning I have to make Two Trips to the Granddaughter's Work, I dropped her off and THEN she noticed she'd forgotten her Thermos with her Drink in it... dammit!   So, now I gotta wait 'til they Open at 9:00 a.m. and bring it to her.  And, since I had to get dressed then, it woke The Man up while doing so, and now I've got him up too early and don't have that Quiet Time to myself I usually enjoy for at least a little while each Morning... dammit!!!  Some Mornings don't work out well, this shall be one of them I suppose.  *Le Sigh and Laughs*  Hey, whaddya gonna do?  And Tomorrow Night, which is a Friday the 13th in Real Time, I have work, filling in for Richard still.  Then on the 17th, which is a Tuesday Night, I'll be filling in for my Friend Crazy Ed.  Both Male Friends have had a slew of Health Issues recently, I worry about them both.

Richard barely recovered from Quadruple Bypass Surgery AND a Liver Transplant and now he's had Brain Surgery, WTF?!   He had this big round White Bandage on the Crown of his Head and at first it looked like a Jewish Yamaka, then I thought, but, Richard's not Jewish!!!  That's when I realized it was a White Bandage and not a Religious Skull Cap!  So, I asked him, what happened?  He shows me what's under the Bandage via his Phone, and Holy shit, he's got about a 6 inch Scar where they cut the top of his Head open!!!   With tons of big Stitches, that's gonna remain a big gnarly Scar too even once it Heals!!!  He's had all the Hair Shaved on the whole top of his Head, so that's gonna be a Weird Haircut for a while too.  AND, he was back at Work, but needing me to fill in for his 2nd part of the Shift, coz he often works a Double!  I asked him why the Hell he even came in at all?!  That's Crazy!!!

He came back too soon after his other double Major Surgery and I felt it was way premature to be back.  This was even Crazier since he'd had that Surgery, he said, in the Morning, but, it looked like Major Brain Surgery, so I don't think that's accurate and he may be confused too?  It would Track with whatever his Brain Surgery was for, not to recall when he had the Procedure, coz this was no Minor Outpatient Procedure, that's for damned sure!!!  I wouldn't expect it to have been done on an Outpatient Basis at all, looked like something you'd stay in the Hospital for Post-Op, for at least a Day or Two?  But, you never know, my MIL once had a Kidney removed and was Home the same Day, which I thought was Crazy too!!!   Since she was a Widow at the time and lived Alone.   But... the Medical System is doing insane stuff these Days and so are Insurance Companies on what they will only cover.

And my Friend Crazy Ed is just Old, he's nearing 80 now and has always done far more than any Man his Age that I know.  But, I see he's slowed way down, had to have some Surgeries on his Shoulders and Legs now, and some other Health complications that are just Age related.  At some point even the most robust of Seniors has to accept limitations exist.  Ed was still moving big Furniture all by himself and I've been telling him that's not a Good Idea anymore Eddie.  But, I haven't nicknamed him Crazy Ed for nothing.  *LOL and Winks*   He and I have been close Friends for many Years so I remind him when he's acting or talking like he's on The Crazy Train and ask if he remembered to take his Happy Pills?  He's very Bipolar and on Meds to Manage it or he can be a Mood Rollercoaster.  He used to self-medicate when Younger and was an Alcoholic and it caused a Divorce, but has been Sober now for almost 50 Years.   He's remained Single.

 

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Enuf of Personal Blogging Topics for this day now... smiles... Dawn... The Bohemian