Well, shit, my Comments aren't Posting and that's annoying and I hope is a temporary glitch that will self-correct? Know that I have been Reading everyone's Blogs and trying to respond to a few, but, no Luck, it says "publishing" but then never does, just buffers. So, I gave up and will try again later on I guess. Just problems with Commenting tho', not on Writing my own Posts or saving them to Schedule on a Future Date. And I've sure had plenty to Write about, and it is still Cheaper than Therapy. In Fact, it's Free. And not much else is, the cost keeps escalating exponentially with no end in sight. Keeping Heads above Water is challenging. I've been in a Funk. But, many folks are too, I read so on their Blogs. In Real Life many folks pretend all is well... until they just can't anymore.
Since we hadn't eaten hardly anything all day and I'd been in that groggy Sleep Inertia State and Funk for most of the day, I took The Man out to "Culvers" for a Cod Dinner. I was a few steps ahead of him and thought he was just following me inside with his Walker... then I realized he wasn't right behind me and hadn't come inside while I had been perusing the Menu Board. WTF? What was taking him so long? So, I walked back out to the Parking Lot and there he stands in his Walker, looking like a Lost Soul! And staring Blankly at our Truck parked there, with me not there. Honey, what are you doing, come inside, I've been waiting on you!!!
He just seemed confused like he didn't know where he was, why we were there, where I'd gone, and what he was supposed to do next? Oh my... A Young Man had stood there trying to keep the Door open for him to Walk thru... then must have figured he was out there waiting on someone?! I realize now that after about 3:00 p.m. his function is just absent now, gone. It's concerning, Docs don't even wanna address it, fixated instead on his deteriorating Physical Health and comorbidities being Stabilized. What good is that tho' if the Mind is allowed to go Tits? We went back in together this time and I Thanked the Young Man for holding the Door for us. I felt embarrassed for The Man, coz he was seeming so Out of It in Public. Note to Self: No later Day Outings if we can avoid them.
His ability to make a decision for himself about what to Order was abysmal too, he just stared and stared, people were waiting to Order behind us, so I just got him what I was getting, he just stared blankly at the Menu Board. He played with his Food mostly and didn't eat hardly any of it, so we just took 99% of it Home with us. I was hungry and wolfed mine down. We hadn't snuck out quickly enuf, coz getting this Show on the Road with The Man in tow can't be done quickly now. So, The Son saw us, asked what we were doing, where we were going, could we get him something while there?
Well, I obliged coz I know he'll pay me back, but I told him upon arriving, via a Phone Call, surrey on out here and get your Bag of Takeout coz I didn't have enuf to Feed the Hoard here now and didn't want Drama that they hadn't gotten anything. With Allen and The Young Prince here now, The Daughter had Company, Princess T is a very fussy Eater, I just couldn't feed the Five Thousand like Jesus. *Winks* I did get a Frozen Custard to go for both of us and he did eat that. His was some Oreo concoction that debuted just Today as a Feature Flavor. Mine was a Vanilla Custard with Caramel and Cashews. The Fish there is always good, I don't think I've had much else on the Menu except their Seafood.
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It wasn't a pleasant Eating Out kind of experience coz I kept looking at him and realizing how much he was struggling and it just made me Sad, Upset and a bit Fearful actually. Fuuuuck, how well will I be able to Cope with this as it progresses in a downward trajectory? Alternative Placement isn't even an Option and even if it's necessary and your eventually are given no Choice, unless you Liquidate every asset you ever had until you're financially ruined and now destitute, you won't receive State or Federal Services and being Accepted is iffy as Fuck anyway. I put those thoughts away from occupying Space in my Mind or my Psyche.
It's enuf to try to process the recent unexpected Vehicular Homicide of The Daughter's Ex-BF and how she's Wrecked by the Trauma. The Young Prince's reaction to that was typically without a filter, since, he felt Mando posed a Threat to his Mother and possibly other Family, so, now he said Good, no more Threat exists and at least that's something else we don't have to worry about anymore. The Son was very upset with his Nephew's reaction, but I do kinda understand his Relief that his Mom is likely Safer without a Domestically Violent Dying Ex that was communicating Threats and acting desperate when she ended the Relationship. And he wouldn't accept it was Over.
Scaring her and making all of us concerned for her Safety all the time. Becoz he knew he was Dying, and you never know if someone like that doesn't mind taking other people with them? It happens, sadly, quite frequently. Lest we forget. And her being Safe was Primary to her Son and I Get It. He even got Threatened and so did his Uncle, for not letting her be treated badly. The Son, like me, couldn't wish harm to befall him, or rejoice when it did, we wanted him to just be gone and leave our Family be, especially The Daughter, coz the Relationship was Toxic and has had Scary Moments. We thought he was capable of harming her... or wanting to.
The Young Prince looked at the whole thing merely from a Head and practical, not Heart and emotional, angle, of what's best for his Mother. Better she Grieve this Guy, than we Grieve her due to him. And he was Dying and on short time, her Son always worried Mando would do one of those Murder-Suicides. He's not Wrong. He just said the Quiet Part out loud. It was always risky for her to be even cordial or too Forgiving. And she's a vulnerable Adult, so makes poor choices and especially about people. But, when he saw that his response wasn't well received, and did come off as callous and insensitive, talking ill of the Dead, he said, well, it is a horrible way to Go. Checking himself slightly, but with no apology for what he said and clearly meant from the bottom of his Heart about a lingering Threat now Gone.
He reminded his Uncle, who was saying, Damn Dude, it was a horrible Homicide... that it's not like any of us was responsible for when the Guy would Die and How, or by Who, God was. Fate. A Hand Dealt. Death is the eventual Outcome for us all, the How, Why, Who and When is not up to us Mortals usually, and who knows if anyone's demise will be expected or unexpected, and isn't always Nice or Fair... it can be Horrific... even Bad things happen to the Innocent... his Time was up. The Grandson is very pragmatic in a way that often comes across with no feeling and little, if any, Emotion, just Logic delivered in a Cold yet usually Factual way.
But he's like that about everything really, was even as a small Child. He can be similar to an Artificial Intelligence in how he is sometimes actually, with little Conscience, just Factual Data Storage in his Brain that he processes when told something or asked a Question, it won't always come out in a Humanistic way. So, what he's Thinking or Knows as Factual, just comes straight out of his Mouth totally Unfiltered and devoid of Emotional add-ons to it. He said, I never Liked the Guy when he was Alive, so I won't pretend I'm Sad he's Dead, or say Nice things I don't mean becoz he's Dead. Okay then. He walked off with his Cereal... Conversation over. His Uncle looked at me aghast, I shrugged... what can I say... were you Surprised that was his reaction? We know him. And you're not "New" to how he is. And he always said he saw Mando was surrounded by Demons, ones that would eventually come for him {meaning Mando} and get him one day. It's Why he never wanted him around, he was extremely Paranoid about exposure to the Guy from Day One. He felt he brought Demons with him where ever he went.
Now, I never argue with what a Paranoid Schizophrenic sees and feels about what they see, that they find particularly Tormenting and Scary, that none of us sees, it's Real enuf to them. He knows he's up for being Psychiatrically Evaluated again in order to try to Qualify for meager Services and a Disability Income he couldn't really Survive on. Like some resented Charity Case that Society despises and usually feels some kind of way about funding. He finds it not only humbling, but humiliating to go thru, with zero dignity, very little sympathy, Caring or compassion extended. So, he's not looking forward to being Assessed in much the same way actually. Without Emotion or any sense of Compassion as to his Basic Humanity.
So he rarely feels inclined to extend it either, his logical Assessment of the World being, mostly, nobody Cares. So, why should he? He could be Right. Plus, he reminded us that Mando had said terrible things to him and about him being so Mentally Ill AND Gay. And terrible things about his Mother. And about his Fairies. The Young Prince really gets Angered if you say Bad things about his Fairies, moreso that if you say horrible things about him or other people. He shows deep Reverence to that Realm. He says Fairies can and will exact Revenge too if Disrespected, not all of them are benign, especially when Angered and not approached with Respect. Anyway.
We won't go down that Rabbit Hole he would take you down deeply. He practically LIVES full time in another Realm. And very detached from this one. I just thought he should know what his Mom is going thru and that Mando was now Dead. We've got another stack of Paperwork Social Security sent us to fill out for him, before and after this Psychiatric Eval, it arrived this Morning. They will bury you in Paperwork and you must be in compliance to do it all. I don't know how or why they think someone SMI can wade thru the Mountain of Paperwork and do it... most can't or won't. So, I think it's Intentional actually. If you don't fill it out they Dismiss the Case, if you can and do fill it out, mebbe you're not that Ill??? I know The Young Prince rarely opens any of his Mail, he just leaves it laying around until I do something with it otherwise, if I don't Open it and make sure it's nothing Important. If you expect him to Open anything, send it in an Amazon Box. *LOL* Other than all that everything is swell... *Eye Roll*
No wonder I'm having fucking Sleep Inertia... and diffusing the levels of prolonged intensive Stress is easier suggested than done. Thank God, Baby Jesus and all the Saints, for Blogging... Whew!!! Blog Therapy is really a great Coping Mechanism to throw out into the Void of Cyberspace and the Ether, just dump it out there and let it go. I'm enjoying that Fall has arrived and I do have so many things to look forward to. But with the Midterms coming up, Voter suppression and intimidation already being initiated, and so much Fuckery at the top of our Food Chain in America, I have a sense of impending doom and gloom that I just cannot shake too. I'm looking at that Glass and it is both Half Full and Half Empty any way you choose to look at it.
At times I want to just consume whatever Water is left in that Glass and then smash the fucking Glass to smithereens. Breaking Glass has a very satisfying sound. Remember when they used to Advertise those places you could pay to go destroy and break things in a Room? You'd be suited up in protective Gear and Goggles, and they had it loaded up with China, Bottles, Ceramics, Electronics and TV's, or any other breakables and such for you to just utterly destroy. I always thought, that might be worth whatever it Costs and I just wonder how much better the Release is to just go berserk and do that, you know, legally, and not be considered off your Rocker completely if you were to do it at Home? A "Rage Room", sounds more Fun and Pure Recreation, than actually Therapeutic tho'. So I'll take a hard pass *Bwahahahaha*
I'll probably get Algorithm Feed now on them. *LMAOROTF* You can't just mention anything anymore without the Data being Collected and ending up in an unwanted Algorithm designed for whose Feed it ends up on. A Friend of mine joked that you have to be very Careful about your Wording not being ambiguous too. She was needing to look up something about Chickpeas... and I don't have to tell you what the Internet thought she was looking for. *Bwahahaha* I can only Imagine the disturbing disgusting Videos that showed up that had nothing to do with Chickpeas or making Hummus. One would think Artificial Intelligence could distinguish between Pea and Pee... but, No, not necessarily. Yet the Chick part they did understand the Slang for a Human Female, rather than showing Baby Chickens. Go figure. *Eye Roll* Or mebbe they had no Imagery of Baby Chickens taking a Piss, I dunno? *LOL*
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Navigating having Rage and no Rage Room... Smiles... Dawn... The Bohemian
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