If It Even Smells Like Drama And A Headache

 

In Real Time it's still Superbowl Sunday just past Noon, I went to Two Grocers to pick up the Buffet Spread.  "Sprouts" had the best Deals, 50 Cents for Strawberries... $1.50 for a Melon Bowl of Fruits... the Street Taco Kits on Sale... Gourmet Meats, Cheeses & Condiment Deli Trays on Sale that has Pepperoncini & Olives as the Condiments.  Everyone is in a Good Mood, even those of us who aren't that Into Football.  *LOL*  A Buffet Spread brings out the Best in everyone around here.  *Winks and Smiles*

There's a lot on the Floor in the Livingroom near the Mantle right now coz we had to clear off the little Table it was all on in order to set up the Buffet Spread.  But, The Grandson was in a Good enuf Mood to agree to be Photographed {Rare} so I wanted to take advantage of getting some nice Pixs taken.   He got dressed up Pretty for Superbowl and is climbing out of the Emotional Funk of a pending Divorce that is inevitable.  It's always hard when Relationships End, any of them.

I actually got Three of the Street Taco Kits on Sale, so we'll have enuf for 18 Tacos.  All the Grocers were super busy and most folks seemed to be Buying for the Game judging by what I saw in Carts.  *Smiles*  All the Grocers had good Sale for it going on, I got 12 Pacs of Sodas for Buy 3 get 3 Free.   The Daughter is Grooming Amber's Dog again, she gets Paid for Washing, giving him a Haircut and Pedi, and he feels Pretty after she's done, so it's adorbs to watch how much he primps afterwards, knowing he's lookin' good now. *Ha ha ha*  She Adores Animals and most Animals Adore her, which is why it pains her that Eli the Cat HATES her!  *LOL*

 

We don't know Why, but then again, Eli doesn't Like most Humans and barely Tolerates the Select few like me who are his Staff.  He only Adores HIS Human, Princess T.  He's nice to me becoz he knows he gets Groomed, Fed, Watered and I do play with him too to keep him from getting so Bored he tears up her stuff in the Room they Share.  *LOL*  He's been in a Good Mood Today too actually and is behaving.

The Two Above Pixs were taken at The White Tanks County Park Yesterday when The Man and I went there.  Nobody litters there but they don't Recycle either so we glean Aluminum from the receptacles so there's less Landfill bound.   Lots of people drinking and Picnicking, Horse Riding, Biking, Hiking and such, so we got a lot of Aluminum to Recycle from there.  The Weather was so perfect, about 80 Degrees most of the Day, Today, for Superbowl Sunday it's around 83 predicted for all Day too.

I went out and did some Environmental Cleanup by myself, The Man hadn't been Well enuf all day to join me.  There were a LOT of Cans, lotsa drinking going on during Superbowl Sunday, which, is what I expected.  I stopped at "Food City" on the way Home, a Hispanic Grocery Chain, to bring Home more to eat for the Game, some Flame Grilled Chicken, which was excellent, some Flan, also excellent, some Chips & Salsa.   I watched some of the Super Bowl with the Kiddos and all of the Halftime Show with Bad Bunny.   We all liked the Halftime Show but felt the Commercials this Year were lackluster for the Superbowl.  Usually the Commercials are Clever, they tried too hard this Year to be Clever and it fell flat IMO. 

I didn't feel good by later Afternoon so didn't finish watching the Game with the Kids.  The Man wanted to watch it off and on too, he mostly watched his NCIS reruns, the Seahawks and Patriots aren't his Teams of preference so he wasn't that Into it to keep it on the Channel in the Bedroom, where he sequestered himself.  He's not been feeling like being interactive with Family and was being rather cranky all day coz he was having trouble with his mobility too.  He said his Legs aren't working good so we've got to bring that to the attention of his Nurse and Doc too, along with The Fall that happened.  I still think he may have had a Mini Stroke and that's why he actually fell?  And now is having trouble with his Legs working well?  He's acting more confused and more irritable too.

 

That's primarily why I went out by myself for a while, to catch a break from him.  The Son said his Dad kept looking for me even tho' they told him I'd gone out to do "Errands" for the Superbowl Meal.  They kept it at that explanation, which he accepted, and he can't Track Time anymore, so he kept asking them where I was and didn't really know how long I had been gone.   They made sure he was fed and kept Safe, that's all anyone can do for him really.  The Niece Alex did finally call me about her Mom, her challenges, and who she's upset with.  The conversation didn't Track like I expected it would so quite a bit of the Drama was unexpected and involved some of her Mom's Friends who came down to see her Mom and try to be of Help.  One, all the way from Oregon to Texas, and the visit apparently didn't go Well.  *Le Sigh*

I had an Opinion about it all but kept it all to myself, I was available to just Listen and have her Feel Heard, which I'd decided should be the Purpose to the Call.  Not to try to solve all the Relationship Issues both my Friend and her Youngest Daughter are having with everyone else, both Family and Friends.  I do think perhaps The Niece has unrealistic expectations, being Young, of what people who visit can Help with or even should.  I think Medicaid is providing a Home Hospice Nurse and perhaps she should be utilizing that Service and Person more to do the more personal things for her Mom, like Bathing and changing Bedding.  Rather than the expectation that a Family Friend would even be comfortable doing it and expected to want to do it, or feel it appropriate to do it?

I've been a Caregiver to numerous Family Members for Decades now, so I have a lot of Experience Caregiving.  Male and Female Family, Young, Middle Aged and Old Family Members, in various Points of Need and difficulty of Extreme Caregiving.  There are some things I'd never ask or expect a Family Friend to do for them on my behalf.   Or, if I was traveling to go see this Friend from Arizona to Texas, what I would even offer to do in spite of my Experience, becoz I wouldn't feel it was something I'd be comfortable doing or skilled enuf to do well.   I wouldn't want, nor should anyone Visiting, be adding to burdens rather than being Helpful.  If it becomes Drama and a Headache, even unintentionally, it's not being Helpful.  Emotions can run very Raw with the overburdened and overwhelmed Caregiver and with who they are Caring for.

 I think Friends could be expected to keep the Person Company for you so you get some respites and Visit with them, Socializing.  Preparing a Meal, doing their Hair or Nails, helping make sure they got their Meds on Time, taking them to Appointments.  Mebbe even doing some light Housekeeping for you if they Volunteered to or help with your Kiddos if you're juggling Caregiving with Parenting.   I know my Loved Ones requiring some Caregiving might not feel comfortable with just anyone assisting with the more intimate Needs other than a Nurse or a very close Family Member, mebbe even of a certain Gender, helping with that.  I did follow-up with a Private Message via FB to the Niece outlining some Caregiver suggestions that I thought might be Helpful and she can at least consider.

One Family Friend of her Mom's came all the way from Oregon to Texas and the visit had not gone Well at all and caused more Drama and a Headache than being Helpful.  It wouldn't Track IMO for anyone to make a Pilgrimage that far and not have the best of Intentions and I happen to know this Woman from Years ago, long History with any Family and you get to know a lot of their other closer Friends and extended Family.  So, when The Niece vented about the Visit, I could tell it was being told from her perspective, which, may have not been realistic.  This Woman is Older and been one of her Mom's BFF's as long as I have been.  If she Traveled from Oregon to see our Friend, that was Sacrificial to her.  But she butted Heads with our Friend's Caregiving Daughter, which wasn't Good.  You have to stay in your own Lane.

I just think Lynn overstepped Boundaries and ran interference, thinking she was being Helpful with our Friend, and with The Daughter's Children, and my Niece took Offense with it becoz it is her Home and her Family?  It happens, I've had Friends come and stay with us that are LIKE Family and forget they aren't, and stray out of their Lane with your Home or your Family.  Lynn presuming to take over wasn't received well, not with the Kids, the Home, or even with what was the Point of the Trip, to see her Dying long time Friend and try to be Helpful as much as she was capable of being and comfortable being.   So, I've had that happen with Houseguests who feel so comfortable they forget it's YOUR Home and YOUR Family, but it's usually not intentional to cause conflict.  I told her it's my subjective perspective she could consider.

There was a LOT to unpack in that conversation and it was mostly just allowing her to Talk about it and me Listen during the Call.  I do Hope that what I offered, based on what I'd heard so far, in a PM that was very measured with my Words, would be somewhat Helpful and put a different perspective to what transpired?  I don't want her getting Caregiver Burnout before her Mother Passes, coz she's apparently all her Mom has got at this juncture and she may be running people off, including Siblings, by not Receiving well what anyone is trying to do, or doesn't want to do???  It's a delicate and complex Balance when things are very difficult, not everyone behaves as we think they should, or Hope they would.

Anyway, I'll wait and see how she receives the PM first and if she responds to it, before Calling again.  I don't do Phone Calls well anyone, Hate talking by Phone.  Much more adept at Writing or Talking in Person.  Plus, my Phone is acting up after one of the Kids dropped and broke it, so isn't holding a Charge worth a damn and often cuts off mid conversation now if the Call is lengthy.  And that one went Long, much longer than I really was prepared to receive and going in the direction that it did.  It had less to do with Caregiving and her Mom's Condition, much more to do with other Relationship dynamics the Niece is finding problematic with other people... Family, her Mom's Friends, her own Friends... it just sounded like a lot of Drama and a Headache to me actually that isn't necessary and could be avoided.

I must say that tho' this Family is near and dear to us, we've always known they are like Drama Magnets and I did mention that to The Niece.  She claims she's no longer prone to Drama now she's Older, but, I think the Verdict is still Out on that one.  She might think she isn't, but, it sounded to me like not much has changed with all of them and it's constant Drama and a Headache.  They all know, the whole Family, that I'm a Drama Free Mama and anyone that even Smells like Drama and a Headache, I limit my exposure to.  I've even had to with them from time to time when it all became too much and they all were embroiled in so much Drama it was unhealthy to be any part of it, even from afar.  Nope, not engaging with all that nonsense.  *LOL* 

 They all know that once you become Drama and/or a Headache, Peace Out.  I'll come back once you Get Over the Dramatic Performances and can once again Get Along And Play Well With Others.  What I have Learned about folks who thrive on constant Drama, most of which they cause or invent themselves, if they don't have any going on, is that it just never Ends well.   It fucks up their Relationships, their Quality of Life, and disturbs everyone's Peace, which is too Precious to allow anyone to do that to YOURS.  I Guard my Peace and my Calm carefully, I don't allow anyone to Steal it from me.  Becoz I know that without my Peace and/or my Calm, Dark Dawn will become Dominant and then you won't be Dealing with Dawn Of The Light anymore.  That's never good for anyone else.  *Winks*

Anyway, it sounded more like Lynn came down from Oregon to spend Quality Time with her Lifelong Friend whose Dying, and not to step in and be a Home Nurse or Housekeeper.   And I don't know what condition the Home is/was in?   I do know my Niece has never been much of a Domestic Goddess tho' and struggles on a Good Day, coz she's got Mental Illness and Health Issues too, and Three Young Kids, and her Husband Travels for Work, and now she's Full Time Extreme Caregiving, so, it's a LOT.  I do know some of the House Guests might have had concerns that things have already becoming overwhelming and deferred to a point of legitimate concern, I dunno?

  Saying something, doing something, or just running interference during a difficult time wouldn't be the best tactic tho' even with the best of Intentions.  Not everyone Lives as we Live either, even when things are going Swell.  And The Niece dropped some info I was Surprised to hear and won't Blog about, but Concerned me.  She's in over her Head.  Her Mom always Helped with that struggle.  As you do with your Special Needs Child(ren).   And I don't know how much Help they're being Qualified to even Receive?  Sometimes The Cavalry ain't coming and it all is Too Much and In over your Head Deep.  Even if you don't have Special Needs yourself to overcome in order to do it without any Help.  That's what I worry about most with my Crew here when I'm Gone.  They all got Special Needs, and the Cavalry ain't coming, ever.  I have to try to Prepare them for that inevitable Reality.

I know her Mom Living with her for Years now has been a Present Help with the Housekeeping and the Kiddos, so now my Friend is Sick and Dying, she hasn't been the one to be able to keep on top of all of that.  She is a Special Needs Child, always has been.  Perhaps her Daughter became too dependent upon that Help and now expects others to stand in the place her Mom offered Help, which, isn't a Realistic expectation either.   Your Home, your Family, is YOUR Responsibility, it's not the Responsibility of other folks.  Nor should it be. 

 So, I dunno, I think she may run off anyone who could or would try to Help, but isn't gonna be exploited to do more than they should either.  So, that's a tough conversation to have with someone who may not Receive the Facts or the Truth very well?   And have more perspective on mebbe WHY her Siblings have stayed away too?  They don't wanna Deal with Conflict between them all AND their Mom Dying.  And their Mom has been SMI all her Life, so, a little bit of my Friend can go a very long way even when she's Physically Well, let alone Dying!!!   And I don't know if she can be on her Cancer Meds AND her strong Psyche Meds or not?  And she tends to Double Dose, so I'm sure they have to watch her like a Hawk coz she has had a History of Substance Abuse "Self Medicating" for a very long time off and on.  And what the Docs administer to The Dying can be intentionally overdosing near The End IMO to Speed things along.

 And just coz you're Dying doesn't mean your Mental Illness goes away, it doesn't.  So, it's just a layered Hot Mess of Physical and Mental Disabilities and Illness combined now.   And to be Fair, my Friend and her Daughter got on the MAGA Crazy Train that left the Station in 2016 and so a LOT of their Friends fell away over it... or distanced themselves coz it always got Politically Insane with them.  You had Crazy aligning with Crazier, it was a LOT.  They often didn't talk to me either over it and contact waned becoz of it.  I can't Take "Cult Crazy" when it's deranged and you're Morally Opposed to what they're Buying into, coz it transcends Politics and goes to Plain Decency now becoming compromised.   And it has destroyed some Families, it really has.

The Young Prince had actually Nailed It even before the Call by telling me he could understand why his 'Cousin' was having the Problems and Drama with Family and it doesn't Surprise him in the least.  He's known this Family ALL his Life and spent a LOT of Time with them all.  She's the Youngest, was always treated like her Mom's Favorite, and from The Young Prince's perspective, that will cause problems at all levels when a Parent and a Sibling then need some Help and there has been Favoritism shown in the Past and the Present.  He's Right about that, and unfortunately many Families do struggle with Favoritism being shown and the consequences.  Its Natural to have everyone, even in Families, have their personalities and dynamic that we either do well with, or don't do well with,  And have that play out becoz it's just easier for all of us to get along better with some folks and not as well with others, whether they're Family or not.

She wants me to Call her Mom and gave me her Mom's new Phone Number.  Her Mom had quit Calling me some time ago, she's like that Sister you sometimes have a hard time with becoz they're being controversial and you're not having it.  My Friend can be like that, she's always been like that.  I Love her Unconditionally, but have Conditions on her Behavior and know it's Negatively impacted sometimes by her Mental Health and screwing leanings.   She really latched onto Donnie Two Dolls, but she's Nuts, so, I can't say it Surprised me... I think she Likes his Drama and Insanity, becoz, it seems a bit Normal to her?  It isn't, I told her it isn't, so she quit calling me until she got very Sick, then her Kids have reached out to me, as they always have. 

  Aunt Dawn, you have to talk to our Mom... and be a Mediator, and the Voice of Reason so, I have TRIED, out of genuine Love for her and her Family.  She can be difficult tho', and Unlovely when she wants to NOT be Nice, so, don't know how this next Call will go?  It could go either way.  She's Dying so has NO shits or fucks left to give about Diplomacy.  *Bwahahaha*  I can Take it, but, I don't know how Helpful Calling her will be, or not be, and I don't want for her to endure more than she already has and is, Cancer is a brutal way to go out.  And my Friend is Tough, but, this is so hard for her to go thru with Dignity and Grace intact and she's done very well to thus far I think, Bless her.  If she wants to get Mean Spirited, I can endure that if it makes her Feel any better to project it upon whoever, and I'm "It" at the Moment.  Often it Feels Safe for someone to Project their Anger about Life, upon someone they know won't totally forsake them at their lowest low.

 I'm not sure of what they expect me to say, but, I do Care, my Friend knows that about me.   I keep it Real and 100%.   I've been Ride or Die our whole Friendship, especially during Crisis, and she has with me as well.  We got some Stories that you just wouldn't Believe, Novella worthy ones!!!    So, mebbe the Call could go Well... or NOT?   I'll really TRY, on my part, to just let her Vent if she Needs to and not respond to it or take any of it Personally.  Apparently Lynn couldn't.   Lynn got Mouthy... and THOUGHT she had Control of that Situation... Big Mistake...

 And got punched in the Face, or so I'm told!!!  Ruh Roh.  *Insert inappropriate Gallow's Humor coz what WAS Lynn Thinking?*  But, I know Lynn too, Lynn can be a Ratchet Bitch, and has a snarky Mouth on her, which is why she was never MY Friend, but just THEIR Family Friend.   We didn't much Like Lynn, but she was close to my Friend so I tolerated her... and resisted punching her in the Face myself... which often took Restraint.  *Bwahahahaha*  And, furthermore, I've been with that Family when they go Sideways Mentally, and I know when to Exit Stage Left and just tell them, Peace Out, I don't Need this shit.  Call me when ya'll ain't going Mental Okay?  Coz we're all Stocked Up on Crazy at MY House, so I don't NEED to be here at Yours Dealing with it.  *Winks*

 Alex, at the Age of Two, was already Bat Shit Crazy, she once took a BBQ Fork to The Daughter, who was the only one Crazy enuf to ever Babysit her, besides me, and backed her into a Corner with it!!!   The Daughter had me on Speed Dial, coz she knew how Alex could be, the Child was a Step away from Institutionalization always.  But, so was The Daughter, so they were rather Equally Matched frankly.  But, I had to get on the Phone and tell Alex, don't make your Aunt Dawn come over and handle this, behave for your Cousin and don't make her have to Call me again!!!   Coz if your Uncle and I have to come over there, we will NOT be Happy.   Remember how Aunt Dawn Unhappy LOOKS?  *Winks*

  And, don't you DARE Stab her with that Fork, you Hear me, remember, she's Aunt Dawn's "Baby" and she's doing your Mom a Favor by even Babysitting your Crazy Lil Ass, so put that Fork Down NOW!   Problem Solved.  *Ha ha ha*   The Daughter still likes to tell that Story to this day.  *Ha ha ha*   Alex never wanted Dark Aunt Dawn to Show Up and have to sort Shit out.   Dark Aunt Dawn don't Play, all my Friend's Kiddos knew that Fact, so did my Friend.  *Winks*  But, I have seen THAT Family at their Craziest, it's some Wild Stuff and not for the Faint of Heart.  If you can't Hang, best to stay away completely is my Best Advice.  And so, no Surprise many just have, or it could get Messy.

 So, Alex always confesses to her Aunt Dawn when she's gone Mental on someone.  Lynn got punched in the Face.  Apparently she strayed out of her Lane and Triggered Alex and my Friend, then got Mouthy, which, Lynn does.  *Le Sigh, Not Wise, Ruh Roh, End of Visit from Oregon.*  To say it didn't Go Well would be an Understatement.  But, Crazy Folk be doing Crazy Shit, what can I say, you don't get Confrontational with them without Consequences.  A Mentally Unwell Person under tremendous Stressors can be quite volatile.

 So, I did remind Alex that punching Folk in the Face is Frowned Upon and she doesn't Need right now, to catch Charges or end up in Psyche Lockdown.  You don't have to remind Non-Crazy People of that Fact, but it's often Wise to remind The Crazy of it from time to time.  Her Mom and her Three Kids Need her to Stay Centered and Stoic/Calm.   So, Dial it Back, Calm Down, don't be Reactive... even when someone is being Not at all Helpful or even may be causing Drama right now that she certainly does not Need on top of everything else.

*******

Life can be complicated to an extreme... Dawn... The Bohemian