Snapping Out Of The Funk And Re-Calibrating

 

It would have been a Bad Idea to have made any Important Decisions or Emotionally Raw Statements Yesterday after those Election Results were known, so, I didn't.  I even kept my Blog Post Short and Sweet, which, speaks volumes, doesn't it?  *LMAOROTF*  Usually I'm not a Woman of few Words, but I really had No Words that Morning, I was numb and angry, despondent and felt betrayed by fellow Americans.  That wasn't a good Head Space to pontificate from and I knew it.   A lot more of you could be more eloquent about it, if perhaps you operate more rationally and kindly from being Emotionally Raw than I do?  But, I know how I am... and Yesterday I was an unpredictable Manic Beast for about half the Day, according to my Family.  They said I was getting Scarier than Usual... which, apparently is Terrifying?!  *Winks*

I hadn't Slept and when I'm Sleep Deprived, I am even more Manic and difficult to Engage with than usual.  It was so Bad from The Jump, that by 6:00 A.M., The Son rushed out to get me a McDonald's Caramel Macchiato.  It's a Fav of mine, they make a good one and it's become somewhat of a Ritual for the Kiddos to Buy me one from the Golden Arches just a half City Block away.   He told the Manageress how necessary it was this day... due to how distraught and pissed off I was about Election Results, and she Comped him an Extra One for me that she said was STRONGER and said to offer me her Condolences!!!   *Bwahahaha*  It sure was Strong, Mellowed me right out!  I had One in each Hand, Two Fisted drinking was in order.  You see, for an ADHD Bipolar Post-Menopausal Adult on a Manic Bender, strong Caffeine is an immediate Calming influence.  You get Unwired coz your Metabolism is all fucked up and opposite from how everyone else's is apparently Wired.  *Smiles* 

The Son is already Stressed due to his recent Layoff, so, he's been Waking Early anyway to go Sign Up for Unemployment, DES Benefits and go Job Hunting in earnest.  Then he comes back and Works like a Navvy here at the House, doing anything and everything I can Dream Up that I need doing to be of Present Help.   He bought Pizza and Italian Crazy Bread from Little Caesar's for Lunch, and basically was trying his very best to pacify me, coz, he was concerned I was going Wheels Off the Fucking Rails.   He knew I was staying out of General Public on Purpose too.  The Antique Mall had called AGAIN at the last Minute when an unreliable Co-Worker hadn't shown up for their Shift to see if I'd Cover it and I HAD to decline.  I couldn't have Mood Regulated appropriately that Day to Save my very Life and not Gone Off on someone should they become provocational. {Is that a Word, dunno?}

 Christ on a Bike, if even ONE MAGA had come in and gotten in my Face and been as Obnoxious as they were even during Pre-Election results, I might have Snapped and caught some Charges.  *LOL and Winks*  Dealing with them Pre-Election has been more than enuf and too constant to be able to avoid or totally ignore.   They Love the Attention of being controversial and proudly outrageously offensive to evoke a Reaction or Response.  I don't Like to give them one or take an Offered Offense, would rather ignore them and avoid them actually, makes for a more pleasant Day.  I couldn't be guaranteed that Working a Shift and a last Minute one never Appeals to me anyway.  The Son was already out ordering our Pizzas when the Call came in from my Manager and I just said it wasn't a good time for me, so, No, couldn't oblige.   He's fine with that, he knows I am dependable when it is a good time for me to fill in, but, I like some consideration and lead time.  Lately they can't always manage that with flaky Co-Workers who just don't show up or call in at the last Minute to say they aren't Honoring their Obligations.

I really didn't need nor want Antagonistic Confrontation, I don't Initiate Confrontations, but I sure as Fuck can End some in a flourish.  And they were out and about in Force, the Loudest of the MAGA Maniacal, even at the Wal-Mart while Wiring Money to The Daughter at 8:00 A.M..  *Eye Roll, but, held my Tongue*   I'm Sick to Death of it now... they Won... so Calm Down now and back the Fuck Off and restore some Civility why don'tcha towards the rest of Society!!!  It is not so hard to act and recognize that we are part of Humanity and deserve some basic Humanity extended.  Manage it, have some capacity to.  I don't wanna BE the Enemy they Perceive me and the rest of America not like them to be.   Coz Trust and Believe, if you desperately wanna MAKE me your Enemy, underestimating me from that Position will be and go very Badly for YOU.  The Projection got out of Control with his Devoted and I was too close to The Edge that Day to be Pushed or Antagonized, that's for damned sure. *LOL*  I was also rather fed up to the Teeth, Yes I was, of being told by some Non-MAGA, that I should try HARDER to Understand those who've Voted him in and chosen that kind of Leadership for our Beloved Country and Fragile Democracy teetering on The Edge now!

  I Oppose it from every Ounce of my Being and didn't feel I must Meekly embrace any of it and just Play Along with Niceties.  If you think you must, Pray for me then, coz it is my Line in the Sand that has been crossed.   I'm not Pretending any of this is Normalized, or decent, and not as dangerous, insidious and ominous as it clearly is.  I'm not Whitewashing it along with those who are or watering it down so they can find it more palatable to digest, make Excuses for still, and process in their own ways.  Which is Fine, you do you Boo, don't tell me how to do me tho'.  I never did with the Whitewashing of History with any other American Atrocities committed or schemed to be committed against segments of Humanity deemed "Others" and I fucking won't now either.  I won't try HARDER to Understand why some people choose to Support Cruelty and Hatred, Fascism, Greed, Exploitation, Corruption and being intentionally Offensive, over Positive Characteristics when given a clear Choice between the Two.  I'm SURE they have their Reasons, but I refuse to make Excuses for whatever it is.

 I remain Authentic to Self regardless of what is suggested is more PC at a particular point in Time.  I remember distinctly, as a Child, being told by Non-Indigenous Teachers that I had MY History all Wrong... about what happened to my Dad's People.   Sure, they knew it happened, but becoz they were too uncomfortable to Teach about the Great American Genocide Attempt that was way more successful than the German one and was actually Admired and Studied by Hitler... let's just focus on the Foreign Nation ones shall we instead.   And more importantly shhhhh, don't talk about THAT one America The Great did, we'll Cover that Up!  Ignoring History doesn't Change it, but, the justification for Denial or Cover Ups has it's reasons of coarse.  But often it can be very self serving and Unhealthy.

 We wouldn't want anyone whose Ancestors had participated to feel Bad, Ashamed or Uncomfortable, to make sure Bad History wasn't repeated and Learn something from it. That would be so much Worse than what happened to the Victims and their Ancestors!  As if having it Justified somehow, Understood from only THEIR perspective, or worse, erased from History like it never happened, was preferable!  Let's try HARDER to Understand why the Atrocity happened and Unify with those who Support such things!  I was made to Feel I was The Problem by speaking my Truth or The unvarnished Truth.  Fuck Off!   You can Believe anything you want to or that brings you Comfort if you really aren't ready or able to face some shit, I understand THAT part of it.  But, I do know once you Invite any Devil in, removing it is far more complicated than welcoming it and underestimating it's purpose and Power or influence over people and principalities it now has Dominion over and Occupies.

  And that's how I Feel right now about those doing the Political Autopsies as to why an effort to prevent a Bad Thing happening Failed.  And Exorcising something that has been allowed in and Invited to the point it's Infiltrated all the way to the Top now is gonna be just that easy or possible.  And focusing primarily on Understanding it, rather than allowing us to Feel how strongly we do about it and admitting, that's Okay too.  They are not mutually exclusive, you can feel repulsed by something you want to try to figure out Solutions to, and drive out, and realizing you mebbe even can't.  I once lived in a much Beloved Historic very Haunted Home, we never could evict Spirit, we did have to Learn to set Boundaries and coexist with it, if we were to remain there tho', it wasn't going anywhere. You're not The Problem just becoz a Solution evades you from Solving it and being upset about that. Don't get me Wrong, Unity for any Nation is vitally Important and we shouldn't be Viewing fellow Americans as "Others", but, here we now are.  I don't like the deep Divisions, I'm against it and have been all along, it's what's Wrong now, we're Divided not the UNITED States of America anymore. 

 My DH is a Devoted Patriot and highly Decorated War Hero, who defended and protected Democracy and Fought for Freedom for 39 Years and became a 100% Disabled Veteran and made other incredible Personal Sacrifices doing it for ALL of us.  I'm a Moderate Independent Person so Partisan Politics and Religion typically were Topics I avoided like the Plague with most folks.  Coz, damn, it is so deeply Personal with most that they lose their Minds about it if you aren't lockstep in Agreement with them about either.  I can Agree to Disagree with Civility and Respect, many apparently cannot and will not, I accept that Fact.  I can't and won't tell you how to Vote or Who to Worship, you have Free Will and should exercise it accordingly.   We Defend your Right to Believe any way you do and Disagree with us, that's Freedom, even if you never Earned it or even Fought to Protect and Preserve it.  If it was given Freely to you, perhaps you just now take it for Granted, and don't realize how Fragile it really is or that you could Lose it, and what it has really Cost, I dunno?

But, when it, whatever you happen to Believe and want to Force down our Throats involuntarily, tries to take away that Freedom hard Fought for by me, mine and our Ancestry, and crosses into my Lane and you're not staying in Yours, then I take Issue and will Resist.  Coz that impacts me and mine, and our Life's Journey and Quality of Life.  I won't just give up what was hard Earned and some of ours gave the Ultimate Sacrifice for, it will never be in Vain to Protect or Preserve what's important enough to.  And, Honestly, I'm Believing more and more it's always been that way, and some segments don't like it that way, but just wasn't as glaringly Evident as it is right now. Where, unashamedly a lot of People can be perfectly Okay with what isn't Humanity's Better Angels and is Darker, much, much Darker and not gonna be on the Right Side of History.  The Change they seem to want is not gonna be Good for ALL and mebbe not even for them.  I tried to Understand it... I just don't, Okay, and I won't try HARDER to anymore.  I am in my own Lane moving Forward as best I can, don't obstruct me, or, I'll run you right over.  Lead, Follow or get the fuck out of my way.

I do know there's a Fox in the Henhouse and that's never a Good Thing, Okay, especially not for the Hens and Roosters residing there and call it Home.   I don't have the Solutions to Social Ills and how some folks are Hard Wired.  I Retired from a very large District Attorney's Office and Trust me when I tell you that Human Beings can commit some heinous shit and Mind blowing Atrocities against other Human Beings and other Sentient Beings of all kinds.  And for Reasons you might never Understand even if you have more Degrees in Psychology or Psychiatry than a fucking Thermometer!   This is Why Studies are done to try to unravel the Mysteries of why some folk become Serial Killers and commit atrocious acts of violence, sadism, twisted shit that is unmentionable, unimaginable and inexcusable, so could never be "Understood" enuf to be Justified or Acceptable, period, full stop.  Regardless of the Perp's "Reasons" and "Excuses" for having commit whatever they did that in any functional Society will never be Okay!  Never be Justified or Normalized and shouldn't be, coz it's not fucking Normal by any stretch of the Imagination, it's abhorrent, Harmful and really Twisted.  And it exists, let us not pretend it does not.

Perhaps not even in a dysfunctional Society will it be Okay, coz it's a Bridge too fucking far.  Hair Furor and his Agenda for America is a Bridge too fucking far... the far side of too fucking far.  And some folk are not Good and never will be, just a Fact, their worst Instincts may always be Acted upon and it doesn't make them Good Leaders or "Protectors"... they are "Predators", there's a Difference my Friends you need to distinguish it, if you don't, it's at your own Peril to become their Victims.   But, many seem to have Boarded the Crazy Train and are Okay with where and how it's going, it's reaching their desired Destination apparently, if they even know where that's actually taking them?  I highly Suspect some have no Idea and won't actually like where they're going with all of this when it becomes evident it was a very Bad Idea, but, they Boarded and getting off or out might be more difficult than wanting to?

 I won't make Excuses so anyone Supporting it feels better, justified or "Understood".  I won't jump on Board either or stand on the fucking Tracks and try to stop a Runaway Train that is sure to go Wheels Off the Rails, not If, just WHEN, that's just Suicidal.  I don't happen to Feel that way right now... many Might tho', under unuf Pressure?   And those who are adamant that America can always self-correct and it could never happen HERE, not to us, so, don't worry about it, well, they could be dead Wrong.  A lot has already Happened to us that shouldn't have ever, so, let's Be Real and Keep it 100% shall we.  There are many things worth Worrying about becoz if you go about without a Worry and Care in the World about it, it can overtake you before you get Serious enough about it to involve yourself rather than going with the flow.  It's not all benign or just A Joke and shouldn't be taken Seriously.  Everything won't always Be Just Fine.  Some are of the Opinion we won't be under a Dictatorship, that's just bluster and hyperbole, he doesn't mean it, or, he can't do this and that or the Third... well, he already DID, didn't he?   And far too many had Eyes Wide Shut the 1st go round.

 They've Practice Run it and Adapted to be more strategic and effective this time round.  And he means what he says and tells you point blank who he is and what he intends, so, Believe that, even if his Puppeteering has been intentionally confusing and conflicting, with intention BTW, you being confused and unable to discern a Lie and Disinformation from Truths is important to him.  He Lies about many things, but some things he's been quite transparent about and you can't claim he didn't tell you out loud.  He already got away with shit nobody ever in 200+ Years of our History ever has and there's no consequences or sufficient Guardrails that have held up well enough to stop him thus far.  They've either failed or been woefully impotent, corrupted in his Favor, and endlessly delayed or inadequate to address any of it. It's unchartered Territory.  So, Why on Earth would you be so complacent, arrogant and smug as to think it couldn't or wouldn't get Worse now that he's getting more of a Free Pass to continue?   Unobstructed?  I saw the 1st Movie, didn't Like it, I don't Need or Want the Sequel, which is very likely to be Worse, Sequels usually are.

 Plus, Encouragement to implement it all this time, with heavier Hitters and a new Team of Elite Sycophants, becoz of the massive expansion of well Groomed Peon Support that earned him a 2nd Term to Finish what he Started?  Predators are Adept at Grooming their Victims BTW.  Becoz apparently this is what America WANTS now... or Imagines it does.  Testimony to me becoz their Voice and Vote have been Tallied and Heard loudly, so, now we KNOW, not just in Part, but Fully.  They are now the Majority who are Buying whatever he's Selling... actually and figuratively.   And, no matter how outrageous, Sinister or unhinged, it's Selling, ALL of it.  And they're Buying it, can't get enuf of it, Funding it, even if and when they really can't Afford to, simply becoz their Economic woes and Concerns allegedly drove them to him!   Yet, Buy all this inflated priced crap he's Selling them to enrich himself, Donate and then Donate some more to The Cause.

  Even if it is siphoned off on a Grift to his Personal Accounts, Trust the Consummate Con and Convicted Felon and adjudicated Predator.  Yeah, Write him a Big Check why don'tcha, he's your Boy!   He claims to have your Back, but I wouldn't turn it on him, too many before you have been thrown under the Bus and Backstabbed... so... wouldn't be your Best Move.  He likes a good Puppet tho' to Manipulate and Weaponize, his ilk always do, they will prey on your Fears and Weaknesses while driving you right into their Arms.  The Crazier he gets, the more he's apparently seen as Machisimo and Powerful, Admired and having the Qualities, however fucked up they may be, of what they would rather have in a Leader and alleged "Protector" to Save them from what they Fear... or Want most at any Cost.  Coz they chose it over having a competent, intelligent, decent Woman... whose Pigment and Gender perhaps played a pivotal Role in Why some would never have Voted for her... but I Believe went far Deeper and Darker than all that IMO.  What America is Becoming and Transforming into isn't something not abhorrent and that disturbs me, Okay, it REALLY fucking does.  Understanding it MORE won't be all that Helpful.

Understanding why a Crocodile would tear you Limb from Limb and consume you won't Change the Crocodile from what it just is and does.  You just know that it's not compatible for you to try to make Nice with a Crocodile.  Nope, no matter how good your Intentions are towards respecting it's another Sentient Being who will never, ever, NOT harm you, or try to Understand a Croc's disposition, it predictably will, becoz it is what it just is.  Behaviorally it's not gonna be Modified and Predictably it's gonna do what it's Nature is.  I don't go around saying all Crocs should be eliminated and I can objectively see it's Right to just Exist, despite never being able to Trust it's Behavior, but I wouldn't have one in my immediate Orbit, unwise.   And some People are like that too, they exist among us, know who they are, and exercise Caution around them, unwise NOT to.  But have you ever tried to convince someone to leave a Bad Situation and not Go Back?  

Or even give them viable Solutions or Options that would Solve many of the Problems and Crisis they face and seem desperate to want out of?   But, some go back to their Abusers time and time again, becoz, it's what they Know and is Familiar.  The Unknown and Unfamiliar seems Scarier to them than what is clearly Scary and Unhealthy for them, perhaps even Dangerous to a point of being potentially Fatal!!!   When I worked Family Violence Files they were hard coz the Abuse always Escalated if they Stayed, always, Abusers counted and banked on it, Intimidated and Threatened, always, to maintain their Hold.  Stalin is once said to have bragged he could pluck the Feathers off a Poor Live Chicken and make it suffer horribly, then throw it a few Grains of Corn and still have it follow him as it's Primary Source of Survival.  Well, 45/47 is chucking those mere morsels to his Supporters whilst using and abusing them shamelessly and it will Escalate.  He won't want to lose his Grip or give up his Control.  And Sex Offenders will Re-Offend, not a matter of IF, just WHEN.  That's Why their Files are never Purged.

Now, on to something else, becoz I'm exhausted from the whole Political Scene and it will now Play Out as it will, in front of the World's Stage to Witness and process as well.   Whether that makes America better or worse is highly Subjective.  Whatever you're Feeling, it's Okay and proportion of it is Okay too, also, a Subjective Opinion about what is proportionate.  I don't Like anyone else trying to tell you how you should FEEL, just becoz they might not feel it, or proportionately to how you do, is really arrogant IMO.  They'll Feel however they do and so will you, there's no Right or Wrong basis for what Feelings emerge when you experience anything, especially anything traumatic and a lot to unpack, digest and process.  This was a Big Deal and regardless of what Position you took, it will have consequences, pretending it won't is to be in deep Denial and untethered to the Reality of it all.   Everything has consequences... mebbe not immediately, but, eventually.  America will Go On, in whatever it Manifests and Morphs into, Good or Bad, this much I know.

I got some Good News out of Mexico!  I NEEDED that, you have no Idea!  *LOL*  The Daughter was Wired some Money by me to be able to repay her Friend whose been giving her a place to stay and feeding her, since, it wasn't Safe at Maria's House.   Won't go into details about all that, I don't know all the details, don't need or want to, but Trust my Daughter's Street Smarts and Judgment about that aspect of Life, she's no Fool and if she says something isn't Safe or she doesn't feel Safe... I know it's just not the Paranoid Schizophrenia speaking.  Some of it could be, but, overall, she's perceptive about Danger and whose Dangerous, has lived a very Colorful Life to know when things are Unsafe, let us just say.   So, I wanted her Home and did Bankroll some of what she's needed while there sorting shit out for the Grandkids, so have her Friends and Boyfriend.   And the sooner she can leave, the better.

She had Two Scheduled Mandatory Social Services Appointments and had to take an Uber to them, which was costly for her to.  Luckily, the first of the Two went so well, they cut her loose from the 2nd one now and told her she could leave the Country.  She told them exactly what I'd Coached her to tell them, they responded favorably to it.  Her Job there is done and they feel she satisfactorily did her part and told her they'll keep in Contact with us, they have our Contact information, if and when anything needs to Change.  They Promised they will assist us with Immigration Issues should any or all Children need Placement here.  With 45/47 now installed again, that's not anything I'm particularly Optimistic about getting sorted out at all now... even Legally... but... whatever.  Salvador has Conditions of even his Prison Release, and now he's got Social Services Conditions too... and Lord knows what Conditions upon him elsewhere or from Whom... so, he better get his fucking Ducks in a row now.

So, she needn't stay 'til the 8th now and she was Informed early on Post Election Morning, from many Sources, that 45/47 will be Prez again, so, she won't tarry with a Border Crossing.  Andrase is going to Mexico on Vacay and she's meeting him where he'll be and he'll ensure she gets Home Safely.   I think he chose this Timing for a reason, Bless him, this whole fiasco has had him nervous too.  He grew up in Da Hood with my Kids and none of us felt this whole thing didn't have it's particular risk factors involved.   Our Primary Objective was always to ensure the Safety of our Grandchildren, any Adults were peripheral and had to handle their own shit or whatever mess they got themselves into.  Salvador knows I'm not a Fan becoz of his Choices and Lifestyle, so, he avoids me now and I'm Okay with that.  

 Yes, he's the Father of Four of my Bio Granddaughters and several other Precious, but mostly now Adult, Non-Bio Children, who are Siblings of my Granddaughters.  But, I don't have to maintain Contact with him.  I Go Off on him now when I do, so, he doesn't wanna Trigger me.  It's enuf he's Dealing with his Ex, The Daughter.  *Winks*  She's Scary enuf for him to Deal with when she's in Mama Bear Mode of Protecting her Offspring.   Even tho' she can't Raise them coz she's Seriously Mentally Unwell, he knows she's not one to Trifle with just coz he has Legal Custody and they've not been together as a Couple for many Years.  He knows that having Kids with her tied him to her Forever and Ever and she's not one to just go away... she's rather like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"... we all remember that Iconic Image {above}... ha ha ha.  That's The Daughter and I, as we Channel Jack's Character {also named Jack in the Movie} sometimes.  *Winks*

*******

We are however, now Re-Calibrated and up for whatever comes our way...  Dawn... The Bohemian