On A Blogging Manic Bender

 I'm on a Blogging Manic Bender now, and feel slightly Unhinged still.  That too shall pass if I press on and Dial it back some, when and if I can manage to.  Sometimes I even Succeed to keep it together and hold it down.  *LOL*  I Purged some Posts that didn't seem to have respectable amounts of Reads still happening, and have more Unpublished Posts now than Published ones.  *LOL*  I'm enjoying my Blog Time, lately it's the only Non-Work Time I have, so I Cherish it and Guard the Time I spend doing it Peacefully in here.  I've got to go to our Bank Tomorrow to re-open and co-sign for The Young Prince's Checking Account which CHASE Closed down for apparent inactivity.  He'd drained it down to Zero, which I'd told him not to do, but, Young Adults know everything so there's not much that you can tell them that they Think they don't know.  *Eye Roll*  Even tho' this is his 1st Checking/Savings Account ever and I'm a Retired Bank Executive, what do I know that he doesn't already, Right?  *Eye Rolls even bigger this time*

I link all the Kiddos Accounts to mine coz I'm Retired from that Bank, well, it's many incantations and Corporate Mergers over the Years, which were numerous... and so I get preferential Rates and such still and own Stock and all that.  I've had my Account longer than most of their Bankers Working there now have been Alive.   And I've Forgotten more about the Industry than some of them will probably ever know.  *Smiles*  Most Loan Servicing is done Offshore now in Countries they can exploit the Labor, pay practically nothing, and they read off Scripts and know nothing about what they're doing.  We might have Smart Phones and Smart Machines, but basically a lot of actual People aren't all that Smart and it shows.  And when I still know more than some people who are actually still doing a Job, well, it's disheartening, to say the least.  So, I don't like going into Banks too often anymore and dealing with the Modern Day Staff.  If I have better Answers to my own Customer Service Questions, what do I Need them for?

Anyway, my Genius Grandchild is still terrible with Money, the whole concept of it seems to elude him actually, whereas his Little Sister is Money Savvy beyond her Years.  And yet she was the one they claimed was way more Academically Challenged, go figure, she has Learning Disabilities galore and still can't really Read or Write, but when it comes to her Money, she's practically a Savant.  I was like that too, from early Childhood when it came to Money, so she and I can relate.  The others in the Family, including The Man, OMG, how they mismanage Money is like a Super Power they have that is a detriment to them, no matter how much I tried in vain to Educate them about fiscal responsibility.  At least they all know they're terrible with Money and Finances, so prefer me to handle it and monitor it for them within reason.  So at least they're not in Financial Crisis or Trouble, like so many folks get themselves into when they suck at Basic Economics 101 and handling/managing Money.

So I told The Grandson, if I get this opened back up for you in preparation for IF you Qualify to receive SSI and get Auto Deposit of it, please don't fuck up your Account this time, Okay?  He thinks if he has any Money he HAS to Spend it, right away actually.  *Le Sigh*  I don't know what he thinks happens to it if you just leave it alone and don't Spend it?  *LMAO*  Well, look at your Sister's Account compared to yours, and basically everybody else's, that's what happens, see?  *Winks*  Even my Personal Banker was like WOW, she's only 20, this is Amazing, you've Taught her Well!  And that's with a Minimum Wage Job and not always getting Full Time Hours.  If she ever gets a good Paying Job and Full Time, she could probably pay Cash for a Home within perhaps 3-4 Years.  If she remains Single, at Home, No Kids, and takes Advantage of what I'm giving her the Rare Opportunity to amass while Single and living Multi-Generationally Sharing Expenses with Family.

She also would give me all of her Money if I really needed it, that's just Who she is at her Core, her Values are Solid and her Discipline is on Point.  She is our Golden Child, and tho' she Hates to be called that, she understands how she got the Title.  *Winks*   She said her Boyfriend is terrible with Money, but a hard Worker.  And he spends most of his Money on her, so, she can't complain really about him being spendy, coz, it's on her and he's Old Fashioned in that he doesn't want her Paying his way or her own way when they're out together.  *LMAOROTF*  He'd give her all his Money... The Man is like that with me, coz he knows he'd only squander it and have nothing to show for it otherwise.  Plus, I only semi Joked with him when he asked me to Marry him and I made it clear, well, you do know that then what's mine is mine and what's yours will now be mine too, Right?  Matriarchal Tribal Society, the Woman Owns everything.  *Winks*  But, he's had a LOT to show for it ever since, so it Works out well for him.  And in my Careers I always Earned more... than any Guy I ever knew... I've never been a Kept Woman.  Nor do I wanna be.  I can Keep and Depend on my own Self.

My Dear Ole' Dad Taught me very early on, where ever you place your Dependency, ultimately Controls you.  And, I'm a Control Freak, so, I took that Sage Advice to Heart!  I like having Control of my own Destiny and having Options I Create for myself.  I doubt Princess T will ever be a Kept Woman either, but she is mighty High Maintenance.  *Bwahahahahaha*  And she makes absolutely no apologies for it, it's your Privilege to have the Pleasure of her Company, or, she could just do without you and swipe Left, Bye-Bye-Bye.   She doesn't Like People or Peopling anyway, so she could be as Reclusive as her Grandpa really and be quite Content like that.   The Man really is Okay if nobody Talks to him or interacts with him most of the time, he runs out of Words early in the Day and is Silent for the majority of it.  He could easily do a Howard Hughes in Life and be a total Recluse and still profess he's in a long-term Relationship with you while being that way.  *Smiles*  He likes my Presence tho', and gets separation Anxiety if I'm gone too long. 

 He doesn't need or want to Talk, or interact much, but he likes the Presence of Loved Ones just being around... and Princess T is the same.  Us BEING HERE is enuf, even if she doesn't interact most of the time with anyone.  She and the Boyfriend hang out for Hours and never speak a Word to each other, and do Nothing together, perfectly Content.  Rusty is an Introvert too and very Quiet.  I'll often pop in to the Room and ask if everyone is still Alive coz you never hear a thing, not a peep out of either of them, and they're usually sitting side by side on their Phones, doing whatever Young folk do on their Devices.  It is Strange to me for Kiddos in their 20's, but, it's how both of them are and why they've lasted in a Relationship over Two Years now.  Both Homebodies, both so Quiet and in their own Bubble, that you don't even know they're around.   Awwww, if only Raising all of them had been like that!!!   But, every Family Deserves at least ONE Golden Child!  *LOL*

The Man really isn't all that Hard to be a Caregiver of becoz he requires so little really, but he also does so little now.  So long as he's Medicated, Fed, Watered and Exercised every so often, he's quite Content to sit Quietly and be left the Hell Alone and not bothered by anyone.  He has his Routine, which is very Basic... and he doesn't want that altered or interrupted or he goes Offline and Glitches Emotionally now, his Emotional Regulation goes Haywire when he misses his Shows, which are all Reruns on a Loop, but, he's deeply Invested in each Episode as if he's watching it for the very first time.  I only get Angry becoz that's Fear in disguise, I know this, becoz I want him to be more reactive, to want to DO more, to not behave like a Dead Man Walking.  He's still got some Life to Live fully, dammit!   And I'm gonna MAKE him Live it!!!  *Winks*

 He used to be so involved in everything, still Reclusive by Nature, but always doing something, very engaged in every aspect of whatever he did.  I'd like to get a spark of that back, but I know I never will, so it's a kind of Grief you go thru while the Loved One is still among the Living, but, no longer themselves and Quality of Life is absent.  And now he rarely wants to Do anything, he resists, he will come along and then refuse to participate in whatever it is.  He still likes going out to Eat, but mostly just plays with the Food and messes it up so that it just eventually gets thrown away if he asks for us to take it Home to finish later, there will be no finishing it later actually.   Might as well have the Restaurant throw it away wasted.  It pains me, coaxing him to actually EAT Food presented, even if we've ordered his very favorite things.  I know at End of Life both Parents quit Eating... so it Worries me.  Losing him Scares me, him getting way Worse Scares me too.

And I know how I'm Feeling is Warning me I'm up against having Caregiver Burnout again, which put me in a Psyche Ward for a Week last time it happened, in Lockdown Involuntarily, which was quite an Experience. *Ha ha ha*  I allegedly, according to the 7 Police Officers who had to subdue me on response to the 911 Call, got real combative and it took all 7 of them to restrain me!  All very nice Handsome Stud Muffinly Young Men too, who came to visit me when I got out to see how I was now doing?  And brought a Female Officer along coz she wanted to see this Old Woman who had kicked their Asses as a Collective and been so scrappy.  I'm not sure she Believed them, they swore it was what happened, so I Believed them. 

Besides, Seven is a lot of Guys to make up a Story they each told in similar detail that didn't make them look good, taking that many of them to subdue One Old Gramma who was flipping out on a failed Suicide Attempt.  *Bwahahaha*  I Honestly only vaguely recall my Psychotic Episode of Overdosing and Fighting them all.  I told her I don't Recall, but even at the Psyche Ward they were reluctant to take me out of my Restraints, coz I did NOT wanna be there or pay them, and I was still quite Mad, in a Mental Mad kinda way, coz by then I was Calm and Composed, but Calculated about Escaping.  *Winks*  I only agreed to Pay them $30 if they put it on a 6 Month Repayment Program... not the $1,800 they Extorted out of all the other Crazies they were carting in involuntarily.  Fuck all the way Off I told them! *LOL* 

   I told them I didn't Care if they ever got Paid, I intended to Die... so, just take my Restraints off and I'd just leave.  They didn't want me to Die and said I'd get 'Help' there... which, is a Lie... no Psyche Lockdown really 'Helps' anyone.  It's a Temp Warehouse for Broken People 'til they Feel they're no longer a Threat to Self or Others, then they set them Free, to go back to whatever sent them there in the first place, nothing Changed or will Change.  I'd taken a shitload of Sedatives, the whole Bottle, coz I hadn't Slept for Days... and yet, I wasn't Sleepy at all, I was wound up tighter than a fucking 7-Day Clock and Feeling very Super Human in Strength actually.  *Smiles and Winks*

  The Police Escorts wouldn't let them do that, take my Restraints off there in the Financial Office of the Asylum, and the Paramedics said it would not be a good Idea.  So, they accepted my Crazed Crazy Repayment Program I Negotiated and I Paid them $5 a Month for Six Months.  *LMAOROTF*  They were Lucky to even get that, but I was Amusing myself at their Expense, coz I might have been Crazy, but I'm not fucking Stupid.   Nor did I have $1,800 laying around to pay to be somewhere I didn't even wanna be.  And they shouldn't be coercing Mental Patients into Signing any Financial Agreements in the first place, I don't think it's Legally binding and it's certainly not Ethical.

  So, we don't want a repeat performance of THAT playing out now.  Plus, they'd make me cut off my Dreadlocks so I wouldn't use them to strangle someone or myself.   And they don't Serve Coffee anymore there on account of me either.  *Bwahahahahaha*  And I do consider myself way Saner than some of the Human Side Show they have in Psyche Lockdown.   Some of whom are Criminally Insane awaiting Trial and disposition to either DOC {Dept. of Corrections} or ASH {Arizona State Hospital if deemed Criminally Insane and unable to stand Trial}.  They have Men and Women together in there, so lots of Sexual Assaults happen too and some of the Staff are not very Nice either, tho' some are up to the Job, there are some Twisted Fucks among the Employed at Mental Institutions.  It can be a very Scary Place.  So, I'd rather not "Vacation" there again.  *Winks and Laughs*

So, when I'm Feeling a bit Unraveled I do Dial myself back enuf to stay Un-Institutionalized.  Is that even a Word?  Well, it is now.  *LOL*  And The Family here at the Casa Asylum of Forever Boheme' would rather I not get Locked Up coz they say I'm in Charge of this Shitshow and I guess I am the Ringmaster of this Circus and these are my Flying Monkeys.  So, I have to keep it together and hold it down.  I told The Man that he was starting to Trigger me tho', so, he's been Behaving better and voluntarily initiating doing some shit for himself, he even took out the Garbage this Morning and got ready for his Appointment for his Cardiologist without being told to.  WOW... I Guess he didn't want me Melting Down and being carted away either?  *Winks*  I just want him doing for himself what he can still do for himself, it's not an unreasonable expectation and it helps him stabilize the deterioration and mitigate it some as his Disease progresses.  It's scary and probably more so for him it induces Fears, about what's happening to him, that he has no Control over, which is understandable.

Really most Docs are only dealing with his Physicalities deteriorating, not his Mental deterioration, and that's only part of what we're dealing with in his Care daily.   Yes, keeping him Physically stable is important, but I don't think they know how to keep a Dementia Diagnosis stable at all really, they didn't with TBI either, they'd send you Home with them and just say Good Luck with that and we Hope it all Works Out.  I'm not making that Quote up, that's exactly what was said to me more than once after his Traumatic Brain Injury.   And WE made it Work Out, nobody Helped us to Work it Out, and that's the Reality you will face with a Brain Damaged Loved One each and every time, or a Seriously Mentally Ill Loved One too.  The Cavalry ain't ever coming, so get used to the Reality you're in it on your own Coping as best you can with very limited Resources made available and parsed out sparingly, if at all.

And what irks me is that they are Aware we have a Mental Health Crisis in this Country and it's not being Addressed and it's not "New", it's always been Neglected, underfunded, and Ignored.  And it won't just get better or just go away on it's own either.  And so long as Societal Stigma, Fears, Stereotypes, Vilifying all who suffer, and Social Biases remain deeply entrenched about anyone's Mind becoming ill or permanently Disabled, and not given at least as much compassion and Care as when their Body becomes ill or permanently Disabled... it's gonna remain a Problem with no Solutions.  And it's a Disgrace.  The same with our Elderly being Neglected and Ignored when Age related ailments become too inconvenient for Society to wanna be inconvenienced by.  We should be Honoring, Revering and Respecting our Elders, most of whom have given so much to all of us, have Sage Wisdom you can only obtain if you Live long enuf... and we Owe a Debt of Gratitude to really, but, American Society overall, does not.

 

Princess T said her Middle Aged Co-Worker and Friend Cathy, the one who just got diagnosed with Cancer, and her Husband quit his Job, has turned Violent, he never used to be, and my Granddaughter thinks he might have started Using then, if he never did that before all the Years they've been Married, I agree.  They lost their Apartment due to him, and she's been living in Motels since.  She doesn't even own a Car so takes a Bus, every so often I've given her Rides coz she's such a good Friend to my Granddaughter and such a Dear Person.  She's separated from him now, but even tho' she has a Restraining Order, he's Stalking her and has laid his Hands on her, even recently, and the Police have not Arrested him.  So she doesn't feel Safe nor Protected by the Authorities taking it Seriously. 

 So, she's been under tremendous Stress with her Diagnosis, and Marriage falling apart as soon as she got so Sick, and now being afraid of him harming her, since she made it clear she's leaving him so she can concentrate on taking Care of herself and battling the Cancer, so she can't be up under additional unnecessary Stress he's causing... and Today at Work she had a Stroke!!!   Probably  from all that Stress, I would imagine, has caused it.  She called out to my Granddaughter, who noticed the Signs were like when I had a Stroke, but more pronounced, Face Drooped and she couldn't use one whole Side of her Body!  I don't even think Cathy realized what was happening to her, just that something felt terribly Wrong suddenly... and she Needed Help, but could hardly Speak, just Call out my Granddaughter's Name twice, the Nickname she and other Co-Workers have given Princess T... "Tati"!!!  And that's all she could communicate!!!!!!!!!

  So Princess T immediately had Management call for Paramedics and they took Cathy to the Hospital in an Ambulance.   It shook everyone up of coarse, so they had everyone just go to Lunch at once there in the Back Receiving Area.   We're Praying she'll be alright, she's the Sweetest Woman, and hasn't caught a Break with every awful thing piling up all at once!  When Bad Things happen to Good People it just seems so Cruel what Life is handing them.  She's a good Worker, always jovial, Smiling, has a Positive Attitude, even while going thru all of these serious Issues of Life.  She confides in Princess T, but not many other people know all she's going thru.

So, Rusty is taking Princess T out for Dinner coz she's so upset about her Friend Cathy.  She got emotional even telling me what had happened to Cathy Today at Work, right at Lunchtime.  She couldn't even eat her Lunch after Witnessing a Friend have a Stroke right there by her at Work and call out to her for Help!   She said she stayed Calm and Stoic for Cathy's Sake, comforting her 'til Emergency Services arrived, but on the inside she was feeling Panic about it.  I commended her for immediately doing what needed to be done during a serious Medical Emergency, it may Save her Friend's Life to have Medical Help so quickly.  Time is of the essence when you have a Stroke or a Heart Attack.   She already has high Medical Bills with the Cancer, so I'm sure she's under financial duress and stress too, she has a Minimum Wage Job and the Husband quit his and seems to have gone Off The Rails Behaviorally and perhaps Mentally?  He had a really good Job too.  Just up and quit it Days after her Cancer Diagnosis, then started acting Crazy and not being at all Supportive and even Violent!!!

When you hear of Dear People going thru all of that it makes you have perspective about whatever you may be going thru that isn't nearly half as traumatic and dire.   This poor Woman is in her 40's and her whole Life has just fallen apart completely in a matter of just the last few Months of 2026!!!   And it all couldn't have happened to a Nicer Person either, so unfair.   If we can find out what Hospital she will be in I'll ask my Granddaughter if she wants me to take her to see her once she is improved enough to have a Visitor(s)?  I don't know if she even has Family locally, my Granddaughter has been closer to her than most anyone, so Princess T doesn't even know if they have Children?  They'd probably be around her Age if they do, but, she really doesn't know coz it seems nobody has been there for her or helping her out thru all this Crisis.  So tragic, I'm very concerned about her, it's all Too Much for anyone to bear Alone.

 

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Well, we're off to the Cardiologist now in Real Time... Dawn... The Bohemian