Curbing My Muchness Is Just HARD!!!

 I quit Purging Archived Posts for now coz I couldn't Believe how many Reads they're ALL getting!  Who knew?  So, for now anyway, the Purge of Old Posts is halted, in case you are trying to catch up in what's been Archived, you're Welcome.  *Bwahahaha*  And, I'm so many Posts ahead now that are Unpublished, it's ridiculous, coz I have been trying to be more Editorial and shorten them, you're also Welcome.  *Winks*  I'm still a Work in Progress tho', but, Baby Steps, Baby Steps... curbing my Muchness is just HARD!  Damn Hard!!!  *Le Sigh and Smiles*  But, I do TRY, you just can't always tell.  *Ha ha ha*  A little bit of me can go a long fucking way... I know this Truth.  I'm Intense.  And more than a little Crazy as well, so that = Crazy Intensity, which is a LOT to be Exposed to for any length of Time, I ain't gonna Lie!!!  *Winks*

The Man has probably Earned his Sainthood putting up with me all these Years, he said he'd of Served less Time for Murder!  *Bwahahaha*  This is however, True, he would have.  *Winks*  But, he Bought the Ticket so he's on for the whole fucking Ride!   Wheeeeee, White Knuckling it he is, coz it's a Wild Ride to be sure!   My Dear Dad Warned him tho', as did my Brother, so he was Forewarned.  *Smiles*   But, Hey, I have my Merits, I had Excellent Earning Potential since I made more Money than him.  And I was a Bad Girl and Wild, so I could Rock his World and I think he found that Exciting, coz he is an Adrenalin Junkie to his very Core and likes to Live Dangerously.  So, I guess I had my Appeal, and at the time, I was kinda Cute and still had my Girlish Figure, even after having all my Kids... so I was easy enuf on the Eyes, or so I'm told.  *Smiles*

 And I found him Exciting too, in a different kind of way that a really Wholesome Good Guy, who was also a Government Assassin, can be.  *Bwahahaha*  He was the Yang to my Yin, and vice versa, and now here we are all these Years later, Living The Dream.  Or his Nightmare... it's all quite subjective really.  *Bwahahaha*  I was rather weary of the Bad Boys, been there, done that, but got Kids out of it, so it wasn't a total waste of blowing thru Bad Relationships that didn't work out.  The Man had blown thru more than a few of his own actually, only he thought he had to Marry all of his.  *LOL*  I only made that Mistake once... and the Marriage didn't last as long as my Pregnancy with The Son did!  *Bwahahahaha*  My Mom Predicted this one would Last, and she was always Right with her Predictions, she didn't get along with him at all, but knew he was a Good Man and a Keeper.   And he was Handsome and quite Fit for an Older Guy.  I was 12 when he was in Vietnam... my Dad was in Vietnam, so I was like, how Old IS this Guy?!  *Winks and Laughs coz I do Like me an Older more Mature Seasoned Man!  Preferably with Slow Hands.  Smiles*

I think my Dear Parents had almost given up on me ever being a Conventional Relationship kind of Person, or Living a Traditional kind of Lifestyle at all, I was never a Conformist and they accepted that tho'.  They were very Bohemian in Spirit, and wanted me to be Authentic to Self, but Traditional when it came to things like Love and Marriage.  They wanted me to find Love and get Married, more importantly, stay Married if possible.  *Bwahahaha*   I'm an Old Hippie, what can I say... Marriage was never a high Priority to me, ever.   And I've pretty much Lived the Hippie way of Being in my Personal Life, while my Alter Ego became a Corporate Executive in my Professional Life, coz that's where the Money was.  So, the contradictions abounded with me.  On the Job I could be a completely different Being to get what I wanted out of The System set up by the Patriarchy and Establishment that I have despised.  You Play the Game to your Advantage was how I saw it.  And if the Game is Rigged, which it is, then there's really few Rules you can't Break or Test.  *Smiles*

Never was a level Playing Field, and never will be in my Lifetime, but that didn't matter to me coz Challenges and Conquering them were kind of a Rush when I was Younger.  Okay, they still are, I Confess, tell me I can't do something or it's not possible, and I will prove you Wrong every fucking time just becoz I CAN.  And if I Think I CAN, then I WILL.  I'm tenacious, relentless and stubborn as a Motherfucker that way and will rise to any Challenge presenting itself, just to Fix it in my Favor some kind of way, and make some Bank off of it becoz you can.  If you see a Problem and you Solve said Problem, it has Value to Society... and they will usually pay you handsomely to be a Fixer of what they've fucked up.  That meant Opportunity coz Humans fuck up a lot of shit all of the time, so Problems without Solutions abound.  I found my Niche.  How much ya willing to PAY to Solve your Problems and what ya fucked up?  I might be your Solution and your Gal.  *Winks*

Anyway, The Man Respected my Game, and was Supportive in any Career Field I gravitated to.  He even is the one that chose my 2nd Corporate Life by sending the D.A.'s Office my Resume' without my knowledge!!!  I got the Job before I even knew I was looking for one!  *Bwahahahaha*  No Interview, no Experience with Criminal Law, it was Earn while you Learn coz The Man just figured Law was Law, how hard could it be for me to Transition from Real Estate Law to Criminal Law after all?!  *Bwahahahahahaha, gee, Thanks Honey!*   Well, you LIKE a Challenge Dawn, so, get busy with it, and so I did.  And it turned out Well and was Challenging in a Good way and far less Dry and more Interesting that Real Estate Law, which Paid well but could be a Yawn.  Even tho' the Pay sucked in Prosecution, compared to Corporate Banking, but, whatever, the Benefits were excellent.  And he was costing a Million Plus Annually for his Medical, so, I considered that part of the 'Salary' coz it covered all his Medical Expenses, Win-Win. 

Plus, I got to see, up close and personal, all the Major Crime in a Metropolis of what was the 5th largest D.A.'s Office in the Nation!  Fun Times!!!  *Eye Roll*  One thing I Learned quickly was you can't Unsee what you See or Unhear what you Hear.  That's why so many washed out quickly in that Line of Work.  Most didn't even make it thru Probation, a great many walked off the Job at Break or Dinnertime and just never came back to their Desk.  File still Open to what Case sent them Over the Edge.  Even tho' they all mostly had their Masters Degree in Criminal Law and I had Zero Degrees in it but the capacity to See or Hear anything without being Phased.  Well, much, you do get Phased by some of it, or you wouldn't be Human, and it can be Heavy shit to not be able to Unsee or Unhear.  But you have to be able to See it, Hear it, and then go have a Sammich, I could do that, which, was Valuable, as it turns out.

The Man used to Joke it was coz I have a Dark Soul, or No Soul... and so I don't get Emotional about hardly anything.  I stay Stoic and seem Unphased or giving any Appearance of being Phased.   I tell you I Feel things becoz I know I should, and you expect me to, but sometimes I just don't.  I think it may be part of my Mental Illness, I dunno?  Flat Affect and Emotional Blunting, I think it's called.  I just know that I'm not Reactive, no matter what happens and what I'm told, I rarely show any outward Emotions.  Always have been that way, even as a Child.  I was that little Kid that would not Cry and rarely showed Emotion.   My Dear Mom thought mebbe it was an Indigenous Thing with Indians, since my Dad was the same way and she wasn't sure if his People had Tear Ducts or not?!  I'm not kidding, she thought that and had mine checked by our Pediatrician to make sure I had some!   We do... we just don't use them much I guess...  *LMAO* 

 I call it Maintaining our Calm.  I don't Like my Calm disrupted.  I'm even Calmer when I'm very Angry, chillingly so I'm told.  "You could be a Psychopath Gramma...", is what The Young Prince deducted out of that State of Being?  Shrugs.  *Winks*   I dunno, should you be that Calm when you're about to fuck someone up and Feel nothing about it?  I am.  *Bwahahahahaha*  And becoz you remain Calm and Stoic, even when being provoked, it does tend to make whoever is provoking you reconsider their Options and Behaviors, which is probably a Good Thing... mostly for them.  *Smiles*   Do you really wanna Go There?  I thought not, Wise choice.  Even that Big Criminally Insane Motherfucker in Psyche Lockdown who wanted to Steal my Brownie reconsidered his Options and Behavior immediately... so that he and I didn't have us a "Situation" unfold. 

 I confess that never Felt a fucking thing when I told him what I'd do to him otherwise, coz I wasn't Playing and I had zero Fear of him and bow down to no Man.  It wouldn't have been pleasant.   Apparently the Prospect of Dying Horribly didn't Appeal to him and he found something to then Live for?  *LOL*  Yeah, he'd already Killed folk, and I hadn't yet, which is why he was there, Criminally Insane and waiting for Trial to determine if would be DOC or Arizona State Hospital Time to be sent up... but, that was the Hill I was willing to Die on and he apparently was NOT.  I didn't have any Fucks to Give.  And I gave said Brownie away right in front of his Face coz I can't even eat Chocolate, but that wasn't the Point.  And now he Knew this.  That my Crazy and his Crazy were gonna have to maintain a Respectful Distance while we were involuntarily there.  I Knew I'd get out of there, I Knew his Fate was already pretty much Sealed that he wasn't.  And now nobody was getting Coffee anymore either in Psyche Lockdown.  {Part II of said Story... and I'm responsible for that... Oooops... LOL}

And I won't keep New Readers in Suspense about Part II.  The Big Samoan Stud Muffin "Bouncer" in Psyche Lockdown, who was an absolute Handsome Sweetheart, had Befriended me during that 1st Hour of me being there.  Coz I could tell him who was gonna go Psycho before they did and he was intrigued about how I Knew?  And it gave him a Heads Up to Restrain them quickly and have the Upper Hand, making his Job easier.  I Deal with a LOT of Crazy at Home, so, I'm Experienced, let us just say.  *Smiles*  So, he was equally intrigued as to why the biggest, most scariest and dangerous Resident they had at the time had backed down from me when I had unemotionally, calmly and quietly dealt with him?  He could tell by the Guy's expression, that something profound had altered his Behavior and diffused what could have been a very Bad Situation.  One that the Samoan would have had to Deal with, he was Glad he didn't have to, coz that Guy was Big and Insane, plus Homicidal as fuck. They couldn't wait for his Trial Date so they could be rid of him there.  Nobody Liked him much... he was a Problem, I'm a Problem Solver... coz I like Solutions... so...  I was just doing what I do.  Eliminating Problems.  *Smiles*

I told him I just said to the Guy, when he tried to touch and take my Brownie, "We're all here coz we wanna Die, but, do you wanna Die horribly?"  Just Hours before I'd tried to Off myself, so I had no more Fucks to Give.  Just a simple Question posed Calmly.   His Response would dictate the Answer, he chose Wisely.  Now the Samoan was MORE intrigued, but, you're an Old Woman, what did you Think you could or would do to THAT Guy?!  So, I told him.  I always have a Plan of Action, I Think Fast on The Fly and have Grown Up and Lived in some very Dangerous Places where you do have to Hold your own or you ain't making it.  And this Psyche Lockdown Ward mos def looked like a Dangerous Place where anything and everything could happen, probably did happen all the time, and nobody would really give a shit.  Not the Staff, certainly not the Residents!  Nor Society for that matter.  Let us not Pretend we truly Care for or about the Seriously Mentally Ill, it's apparent Society collectively does NOT.

 But, I digress.  Back to the Story.  So... first, even tho' they'd took our Shoelaces and everything so we couldn't hurt ourselves or others... the Plastic Chairs had Chrome Legs.  So, I was gonna pick up my Chair and Wrap it around his Head first, then the Coffee Maker on the Counter beside us was a Normal Coffee Maker.  Curious thing to have on a Psyche Ward thought I, but, handy as a Weapon.  Since the Ward was Mixed Company of all Ages and degrees of Crazy, the moment I hit it I was looking for Defensive Solutions to potential Problems that would certainly arise.  Coz Crazy shit happens around Crazy People all the fucking time and on the turn of a Dime.   And I didn't Know any of these Crazies like I do those at Home... and they didn't Know me either.  So it would all be a Learning Experience and a Hierarchy we would Establish amongst ourselves.   I Planned to Establish my place and position in the Food Chain very early on, so that nobody would Dare to Disrupt my Calm and I'd have an Easy Stay for however long I'd be Held before they deemed me Releasable and "Restored"?  *Bwahahahaha*  Yeah, a Restoration is determined... right, wrong or indifferently.

 Scalding Hot Coffee, Glass Carafe, so I was gonna grab that, throw Scalding Hot Coffee in his Face, break said Carafe and make a Shiv out of the Broken Glass which I would then stick in his Jugular... all in Self Defense of coarse.  Coz, he was Young, Male, a Homicidal Criminally Insane Defendant already, and I Felt 'Threatened' and I AM just an Old Woman *Winks*... should all hold up in any Court of Law before any Judge or Jury... yep, they immediately took the Coffee Maker away... no more Coffee.  *Bwahahahaha*   And Yeah, my Samoan Friend kept his Eye on me, and we had a lot of sit downs during his Shifts coz he also thought I was Faataulaitu, Samoan for a Witch. 

 So he was quite Reverential for what I might could do without Laying Hands on you too. *Winks and Smiles*  He could have been Right?   My Mom's People do Practice that shit... and even Skeptics usually don't like to Test if it's Myth or might attach really Bad Mojo to them or not?  *LOL... I wouldn't Test it either, very foolish to.  So why risk it?  Winks*  And, since I don't wanna end up in Psyche Lockdown Involuntarily anymore, I do try to mostly Behave myself.  Getting along and Playing Well with others. Sometimes I even Succeed. *Bwahahaha*   And now we'll End with some Food Porn:

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Playfully yours... Dawn... The Bohemian