Could Be Good News ~ Could Be Bad News

 I was cranky and on a downward spiral of Bipolar Depression on Wednesday Morning coz Victor was coming that Morning to do a Release for The Man on all OT and PT House visits.  He said Nurse Remi will also have to be Released by next Week's Visit or the Insurance will have Billing Issues once he starts Cardiac Rehab at the Hospital. You cannot have Home Health if you have any Hospital Rehab.  We don't want any more Insurance Drama and Issues, so...  And it meant this Morning was dominated again by a House Visit I wasn't expecting to squeeze in, but HAD to. *Le Sigh* I had assumed Wednesday was a Free Day with no Appointments Scheduled... dammit!  So I had to cancel going to the Gym as Planned or doing any Environmental Cleanup.  Both of which would have been Self Care I desperately NEEDED, but couldn't now have.  I try to go before 9:30 a.m. when all the Medicare Paid Members swarm in to the Gym due to the Ageism Hours Restrictions "Lifetime" imposes on them. 

 I'm now paying for my Membership so I don't have Restricted Hours, and can beat that Crowd in and have access to the Machines I use without waiting or having Seniors trying to Socialize.  It's not that I'm opposed to Socializing, I just don't have Time for it while there, since I've got to have coverage here for The Man.  So try to get what I go there for done without interruptions or waits. I also try to get out to do a little Environmental Cleanup in Nature before the triple digit Extreme Heat Advisories hit by late Morning.  After that it's too Hot and you've missed the brief Window of Opportunity Summer imposes.  So, all I really accomplished was dropping The Son and Granddaughter off at their Work before Victor arrived and mailing some Bills after our Social Security Payments hit Mid-Month.  And wouldn't ya know The Man's Blood Pressure elevated during the damned visit!!!  It had been Normal and not High only an Hour beforehand!  Fuck!!!

I'm Burning Out on so much Medical stuff piling up and consuming all our Time, Focus, Energy and Financial Resources.   And that's before I know what the Hell they think might be going Wrong with me?!  I'm hoping nothing and it's a False Alarm.  I'm already overwhelming with everyone else's Medical and Health or Mental Health Issues and getting them Services, Treatment, Benefits and keeping everyone stabilized and out of Hospitals and Alive.  It's exhausting and Retirement wasn't supposed to look like this.  *Eye Roll*  I probably should not even visit FB since during Summer is when all my Retired Friends are off on their Wonderful Vacation Adventures and Cruises, which, is what Retirement SHOULD look like IMO.  *Winks and Sighs*  Not that mine will, but, even vicariously viewing someone else's Summertime Adventures is making me feel more envious, frustrated, and despondent with our Hand Dealt right now.  I'll get Over it, but every so often it hits me Hard.

Just having a Day Open on the Calendar isn't such a Big Ask or Luxury!  I'm not expecting to Book a Cruise or take a Road Trip to any wonderful Destination, yet, even that is becoming more difficult to come by lately... just a DAY, a Single Day, Open on the damned Calendar!!!  I've just been in a deep Funk about it all Day, so spent all Morning back in Bed Sleeping it off.  Sometimes that helps when I'm Mentally and Emotionally fatigued.  On a Physical level I'm not at 100% either and Victor, while here, commended me on, and said he NOTICED, how much it appears I've "Tried to clean up", Fuuuuck... coz I know the house has just been so messy, I'm doing my best, but, sometimes I hit the Wall.  And usually I make a concerted effort to ensure it's passing Inspection and muster for any Caseworker ever Assigned, which have been many over the Years, due to having Disabled folk I'm Caring for in the Household, for, what seems like an Eternity now and never ending.  I'm at the throwing up the Middle Finger Phase of it all right now tho'.  *LOL*

 I'm literally now at Fuck It, Fuck You, Fuck The System, Fuck The Establishment, Fuck the President and all his Demon Spawn, Billionaire/Trillionaire Bros, and Supporters, Militant Phase of Rebellion at the Moment.  All my Family are actually, we're Unanimous about it and of One Mind about that, having no more Fucks to Give Phase of our Life's Journey, all Three Generations of us.  *Winks*  Listen I know Caseworkers take Note of Environment and how well you're Independently doing and Coping with Life and it's Issues, as you Age and have Limitations.  This ain't my 1st, 2nd, or even 100th Rodeo, I'm a Seasoned Veteran of Extreme Caregiving and being Assigned Caseworkers, either voluntarily or involuntarily as the State, Feds or Social Services mandates, even if they aren't actually Paying you a damned thing to do what you do for Free to Save them a Buck.... or conservatively about $150,000 to $250,000 Grand Monthly if they hadda find Alternative Placement for all Residents of The Asylum here on their fucking Dime!   

 And I don't Care anymore.   And I don't Care who knows it either.  There goes my last Fuck to give... flying away like a Winged Unicorn jumping off a Rainbow and farting Fairie Dust Glitter behind them like an obnoxious but pretty Vapor Trail.  The Home is clean Enough, mebbe, it's debatable and I don't give a Fuck.  Well mebbe Barely give a Fuck, coz I am somewhat Prideful about our Sanctuary, but that's evaporating like Scotch Mist that I even Care about my surroundings now.   But it is cluttered up with what should not be here or hasn't been gotten to coz I'm overwhelmed by the magnitude, it's daunting, daily, it's that Elephant always in the Room.  But I stalled on Pricing, don't have the Room at the Antique Mall to cram any more in there, and it's so Hot, and has been, that I can't spend any time whatsoever now in non-climate controlled areas like The RV Garage Mahal or She Shed where it should be moved to.  The Man has to move around with much bulky Medical Equipment now, which meant moving things around for his access with all that... a Challenge to make a Home Wheelchair and Walker Accessible when it was not built or designed to be.

The Daughter had been my Present Help partnering with me to do those things and she's been gone a lot, doing her side Work to try to earn something.  And feeling overwhelmed by it all as well, she's not at all Well and so feeling like she's got to take Care of anyone or anything when she can't even take Care of herself, is really daunting. She's Crying a lot about it coz she really wants to be a Present Help to her Dad and I. She's not ready yet to try to go thru the Process her Son is going thru to get Service or SSI, she has no delusions how grueling it is and that Mentally she would be hard pressed to Cope with it.  She's always had a Psychotic Schizophrenic Meltdown during Evaluations and The System Shitshow they put her thru.  She also knows I'd have to go thru it all with her, and she sees the toll it's taking on me to go thru what we've had to so far on behalf of her Dad and Son.  Adding going thru it for her into the Mix might just finish me off, and she could be Right about that.  I'm having Caregiver Fatigue and some Burnout again.  I'm also now Dealing with my own unknown Health Issues that cropped up and are gonna need to be dealt with, depending on the results of all this Testing they're insisting on doing.

I just had HUMANA call to say they Approved all my Testing, which is good.  BUT they add that it doesn't mean they'll PAY for it all, WTF?!  Okay, so you're APPROVING it but MEBBE you'll PAY then, or MEBBE you WON'T... is that what is being implied?!  You can't ask coz the Call is a Bot and just gives a confirmation number for APPROVAL... not PAYMENT or clarification as to Why they might not Pay?!  So, mebbe SimonMed gets Paid, mebbe they don't... I guess???  The Healthcare System is seriously fucked up and hitting the skids with Medicare and Medicaid.  Why?  Coz this Regime doesn't wanna Fund it anymore.  They also now are Questioning whether THEY can AFFORD Social Security either... ummmm... WE PAID FOR IT, it's OUR Money Paid into The System!  So... if you don't Loot it and Grift it, if you just lift the Caps you put on it so that the Wealthy Pay their appropriate Share of Paying into it, then it will remain Solvent for a very long time, mebbe 75 more Years, at no Cost to the Government, you Morons!!!  There is a viable Solution to what they made a Problem.

Okay, Rant over, I'm stuck inside due to circumstances and Weather, and going a bit Stir Crazy and stalled on anything and everything I want or Need to do.   Self Care is an Illusion at the Moment, or Delusion, I'm not even sure what Self Care even LOOKS like anymore.  The House, I could kinda work on what needs doing but have Zero Ambition to tackle any of it actually.  As mentioned previously, I barely Care now, in spite of Victor noticing what effort I have put into it.  It was just embarrassing to me, for him to have to even try to compliment the feeble effort.  I'm juggling too much, I'm in over my Head, the Cavalry ain't coming, it is what is just fucking is and at times I Bottom Out about that.  I'm Tired.  I'm Tired of the condition of America and how fucked up this Administration is and that anyone is still in Support of it.  I'm Tired that I've got so many having to move back Home coz everything has been made unaffordable for our Younger Generations and they probably have a Grim fucking Future... if they even have a Future at this rate? 

 Coz, things could get way worse if we let this Regime finish out Two more Years of dismantling our Democracy and Human Rights.  And widening the Gap between the obscenely wealthy Elite, who greedily can never get Enough or have Enough even if they could never spend what they already have in their Lifetimes... and everyone else who doesn't have Enough.   As expenses soar and AI will eliminate what little Security they might have left.   My Doctor's Office called about 3 Hours ago while I was Sleeping, and apparently had been blowing up my Phone all day... Splendid, that doesn't sound Promising!   And now I'm waiting for their Callback coz, well, who knows what that's about directly after Testing and requests for more Testing just got Approved... tho' mebbe not Paid For???  All I know is when I called back they said that the Doc needs to talk to me directly, that doesn't sound Promising at all.  Usually the Help just tells you whatever it is so as not to disturb the Doctor to have to.  Oh well... could be Good News could be Bad News...  I won't jump to Wild conclusions, tho' that's where my Imagination would take me if I didn't resist.

Clearly, not in a Good Head Space to even be Blogging, but, it's Cheaper than Therapy, so, here we are.  You're getting the whole Bale dumped Today my Friends.  Is there anyone else Feeling Angrier and Angrier as the Fuckery continues, or is it just me?  That's a rhetorical Question of coarse, I already know the Answer.   This could be called Blogging for Sanity... the remnant of it I may have left anyway.  I am pretty sure I've been near the Edge of Insanity for a while now, just staring down into the Abyss and trying not to Jump.  I think it would just be easier to go Insane, for me, and step off The Ledge.  Not for anyone else tho', so, I resist unraveling to that degree too... lots of Resistance going on, you see, and it is Tiring... No... it's Exhausting actually.  It's Why I Need so many Naps now, pretty sure.  And of coarse it's worrying my Loved Ones.  I'd say it's worrying my Friends too... but most of the closest ones are either Dead or not in Arizona, so they aren't Present to Witness the Daily Struggle and steady Decline into what could end up Insanity, well, what the Courts would determine my State of Play is.  *Bwahahahaa*  

The Land Of Blog is better informed than anyone in Real Life could or would be actually.  I'm actually a lot more Private in Real Life... go figure.  I keep it Vague, on a Need to Know Basis, and most folks don't Need to Know, and keep it Moving in Real Life.  I can Clean Up Well in Public and can be Masterful at Illusions, so the Reality going on is rarely that apparent, and, it doesn't Need to be.  Coz in Real Life everyone is struggling with something and so preoccupation of our own Trials and Issues Of Life is all most folks can Handle or Cope with.  I see some on Social Media Live Feeds putting it all out there via FB, X, or whatever Platforms they Scream into Space with hoping someone is Hearing them.  Really, few are, and of the few who mebbe are, it's more a form of Entertainment to them, than actually giving a Shit about what's happening in anyone else's Life, Truth be told.  They aren't getting Involved, that is for damned sure.  Involvement is Scary stuff.  And, actually not everything needs to be Out There, but if it's Helpful to whoever is Yelling into the Void, then, Yell away I say. The Universe is vast, mebbe the Extra Terrestrial Aliens will Hear and give a shit, or God, I dunno?

One of the Blogs I Follow said something that resonated.  They said that the Beauty of the Driverless Vehicles you can Uber/Lyft, or whatever Business transports folks in Driverless Cabs now, is that since there's no Human Driver, you can Scream as loud as you Need or Want to.  *LOL*  Well, a lot of times I'm in my own Vehicle with no Passengers and it Works well in that scenario too!  *Winks*   Or, out in Nature when you're in a rather pristine isolated spot away from Humanity... even better if there's Mountains it can Echo off of.   Quite therapeutic.  You can make any visceral utterances you Feel a Need to Release.  I can make some Scary ones, Horror Movie worthy actually, it's a Talent that seems absolutely Wasted most of the time.   A pity really.  There are times I think it might be Fun to let one loose in Public, a Crowded Space... these are the things I do not do of coarse, but Amuse me to think about the doing of.  *Smiles*   A guttural visceral Scream right in the middle of a busy 'Starbucks' perhaps?   *LMAOROTF*  It does have the most Pretentious Demographic acting as if all is Right with The World, even when it isn't.  But I do like their Coffee and I Collect the Mugs and Tumblers obsessively.  *Ha ha ha*

 Would anyone spill their pretentiously ordered Latte or look up from their Tablet I Wonder, as I look around?  How quickly would the place Empty out?  The Police or SWAT arrive? *Bwahahahaha*  I muse about such things becoz I have a very Dark Twisted Sense of Humor and the tendency to wanna actually DO IT... and you might ask WHY and so I'm gonna Tell ya.  You knew I would, Right?  *Winks*   Why would Dawn do such a Bat Shit Crazy thing in Public and not be inhibited about it?  I mean, we know she's Nuts, but that seems a bit Extreme... but... is it?  Considering what's going on every fucking day around us now, is it Extreme at all?  I think not actually.  Mebbe nobody would even notice, it is The City... and a Human Sideshow out there.  I know, I've done Environmental Cleanup in my Pajamas, Commando even under the Cotton Jammie Pants and Braless.  *LOL*  Nobody Cares, nobody bats a fucking Eye actually.

 And so The Why:  So many walk around like Zombies these days, with Heads in the Ground like Ostrich, or their Heads up their Asses or in the Clouds, that it might just snap them back to Reality and out of complacency or indifference, perhaps?  That we've got a Five Alarm Fire going on Nationally and yet they're not heading for any Exits of Escape Routes and don't even smell Smoke.  So, it's just Burn Baby Burn.  And at what juncture do they realize he's Burning the Country to the Ground just to Rule over the Ashes?  Nero Style, Fiddling while Rome Burns... wasting Time on trivial self-indulgent shit and ignoring duties during a Crisis... one he Created actually, every bit of it!!!  So, it's an Intentional Crisis, irresponsible and indifferent while others are suffering and the Emergency spirals out of Control.  That's where America is AT... and I can't Believe not 100% don't SEE it, it's in Plain Sight for fucks sake!!!   

The Passive Indifference while everything collapses and the Situation is Urgent and Dire, just Winds me Up, to see going on in General Public all around me!!!  It's like a fucking Twilight Zone Episode to me... You just Crossed into the 5th Dimension.  Dust off your Fedora and step into that Middle Ground, between Light and Shadow.  That's the Sign Post up ahead, your Next Stop, The Twilight Zone!  Now in this Episode: Most Americans are being idle and happily carrying on with daily Life like it will always be that way.  It won't... sooner than they can react to when it won't!!!  And a part of me is like, well, if I completely happen to unravel before it all Drops... and the Bottom falls out of America, that might be a Good Thing?  Coz I won't fucking Care or perhaps even be Aware then...   Insanity could perhaps be preferable???

Here's a very unflattering Pix of me that I absolutely HATED the Mug Shot of when they took it in School.  We were in Europe, I was a Tween, and some Salon had given me a really BAD Haircut and I HATED it and my bushy un-plucked Brows, which I hadn't learned to Shape yet!  I was never into Vanity or my Looks.  I'm not a Hairy Person at all, but I had very prominent Eyebrows when Younger... now they're almost invisible.  And once plucked they stayed shaped nicely actually even when Younger.  Anyway, The Mad Edward Scissorhands Beautician had said Layering was "In" and long Hair was "Out".  She trimmed me like a Topiary!  Europeans tended to set Trends in them days so I Believed her, naive Woman-Child I still was.  *Ha ha ha*  I had very long Hair at the time past my Hips, that I didn't mind and had looked far better than this disaster she came up with, what a Hack!!!   I had like 5 butchered Hair layers that just hung there limply!!!  I'd only ever fucked up once before like this and Sold my Hip Length Hair before my Teen Years, coz a Lady who made Human Hair Wigs had made me an Offer I couldn't Refuse as a Pre-Teen, and it seemed like a lot of Money to me, and we were Poor, and... it was only Hair!  

 She gave me a Twiggy Cut, coz Twiggy's Look was very Popular then, to get the most Hair for her Wigs.  Twiggy looked Cute, tho' like a 14 Year Old Boy Cute... I did NOT, with a Boy's Haircut, I already can look more Masculine than Feminine with my strong Bone Structure!  Mine was actually even Shorter and more layered, so I had less Hair than Twiggy... or my Brother!   *LOL and Cringe*  I came Home like that and I remember my Mom Cried!!!  It didn't suit me, this look in that hideous Mug Shot either, nothing makes you Feel more hideous and Ugly than a Bad Haircut until it grows out!!!   So I went thru an entire School Year like this just HATING that it would be in the School Yearbook so I erased the damned picture in my copy.  Plucked my Brows so I didn't look so Neanderthal and went to one of those Mall Photo Booths and replaced it with a Pix far less hideous looking and less embarrassingly horrid.   I cringe that this Photo even still Exists.   The Semi-Vanity of Youth.  *Ha ha ha*  All my close Male Friends, who were the Popular Guys, said, WTF did you do and WHY?  I didn't even realize they had thought I was Pretty, coz they treated me like one of the Guys and never said so!   I was SO very Self-Unaware.  *LOL*

The Daughter, Princess T and The Son are trying to make me Feel Better Today since they know I'm having a serious Mental Health Day.  They got me a Caramel Macchiato which did Calm me Down Emotionally and off The Ledge.  *LOL*  And The Daughter Cleaned and Tidied our Bedroom here where I'm Blogging, coz she knew what Victor said had upset me, even tho' he meant it to be Positive Affirmation.  *Ha ha ha*  It wasn't, when someone Affirms, Oh, I did NOTICE you TRIED to Clean Up around here, it doesn't come off Complimentary even with the best of Intentions.  *LOL*  Most especially an Assigned Caseworker doing Evaluations of the Old Folk Clients they're responsible for Monitoring.  *Snort*   Clearly tho' every one of them has Admired our Home and it's Decor, they can see I'm struggling to keep up on Housekeeping, Caregiving of so many Loved Ones with Issues, limited Space for all of us to cohabitate.  It IS a LOT and they acknowledge that Fact and my Reality.  So, they haven't been Critical, just kinda telling me Wow, how have you done this so long without Help?

Yeah, O guess that COULD be a Testimony of Resilience and Survival, but I don't necessarily take it as a Compliment.  Did I have any Choice?  You know, but to Deal with Hand Dealt!   So, anyway, it's not like they'll be sending in the Cavalry regardless, coz Billing can get complicated when Insurances won't Pay or Cheap Out and marginalize your Point of Need to save a few Bucks.  Oh, they'll be just Fine... whatever.  We probably will, we usually manage to stay above Water and keep treading Water thru the Storms and the Shipwrecks of Life... Jetsam and Flotsam.  I always liked those Words... Jetsam... Flotsam.  *Ha ha ha*  Debris found in the Ocean... Flotsam being the Wreckage or Cargo that Floats accidentally, usually as a result of a Shipwreck, Accident or Natural Disaster ... Jetsam being the stuff intentionally thrown overboard to Save a Ship in distress.  Yep, we're often that Ship in distress avoiding Life's Disasters if and when we can.  A Shipwreck in the Desert! *Winks*  Figuratively it means discarded odds and ends or Abandoned People.

Moving On... my Funk began to lift at around 5:00 p.m., which is good, didn't wanna Wallow there at Rock Bottom too long, it's not Healthy to.  Climbing Out is an epic Challenge tho', I ain't gonna Lie.  Sometimes I Succeed earlier, sometimes it's like climbing up Mount Everest to get to Higher Ground and might take equally as long.  The Doc's Office never did callback, after blowing up my Phone Three times, which seemed excessive attempts to reach me initially, but now I'm thinking, well, mustn't have been all that Important?  *Shrugs*  We'll see... Tomorrow is the Monthly Event at "Sweet Salvage" and I probably should go just to feel Inspired and have something Positive to be around and look forward to doing for a change.  I could wear my new Altered Art T-Shirt Top and some Black Capris, which would be comfortable enuf now it's 114-116 every damned Day and Monsoon Storms making it Humid too.  Comfort is everything when it's that extreme.  I wanna look presentable, but comfortably so. 

Princess T told me I smelled Good Today, when I picked her up from Work, her Co-Workers often tell me that, and tell her that too, how Good her Gramma smells.  *LOL*   When it's Humid my Nag Champa Essential Oil I always wear smells stronger and lasts longer.  Which is good, coz I was Sweating bullets, and usually I don't perspire much at all.  But when it's searingly Hot AND Humid, even us minimal Sweating folks bust a Sweat and might stank.  And you just Feel as tho' you might smell like an Armpit while you're out and about, so I'm glad I apparently managed to still smell Good... whew... coz it was 114 by the time she got off work.   It's still Officially 106 right now and it's almost Sunset.  I should jump in the Pool, but I haven't done that so far this Season, tho' the Kiddos all have.  It would be refreshing, but this late in the day my Dreadlocks would never be dry then by Bedtime and I have to consider that.  When it's Humid they take a long time to dry out when wet... like a wet Mop... but a Mop might actually dry faster.  *LOL*

The Daughter tried to tackle her Son's Space while he's away coz it's not Safe or Sanitary again.  And it used to be my Nice Art Studio.  It wasn't really bad off when she Lived in there, she could keep it Safe and somewhat Sanitary, or whip it into shape if she went Schizo for a while and came back to Reality.  But with The Grandson... The Son said it's like Ed Gein's and we nervously laughed, but, seriously, The Grandson is SO fucking Unwell.  Commitment Level Unwell actually.  If we get Interviews with Social Security Shrinks I'm gonna ask if they can Assign him some Home Help like a Professional Organizer to keep his Space Clean, Safe and Sanitary?  Coz we try, but it's overwhelming to and for me... or any of the Family, and he does lock himself in there for Days at a time and by then it's a Bad Situation again.   And there is no Cure, so this is how he is, Forever, and probably why Allen took him to New Mexico for a while.  The Daughter told me she overheard Allen saying, your Grandma can't see or Cope with this, I'll bring you with me and you try to get more of a Grip, or she can't have you here either.  I think it was why Allen finally couldn't Cope, pretty damned sure actually.

 It is enuf to make you lose your shit when you'd come Home from Work at such a demanding job like a Slaughterhouse and their Home might have looked like that Room, while he was away?  Allen is very minimalistic and being Autistic, even moreso than The Son is, fairly Anal about how he keeps things and his surroundings.  The Young Prince will tell me he's working on it and trying, which, some areas seem like he might be, but the rest of it in there is like "Silence Of The Lambs"!  Even the Lighting!!!   The Son was behind me saying, Mom, I'm expecting to see The Moths!!!  *LOL*  Mom, Serious as fuck, I get the Vibe of "It puts the Lotion on the Skin or it gets the Hose again."  And I'm Laughing and telling him to Stop with the inappropriate Dark Humor, knowing he's not actually Kidding, it concerns him how Ill his Nephew is, but has nowhere else to go.  But, The Daughter, also a Schizophrenic and prone to having similar issues, but not quite as Extreme as her Son's, is saying, the Room is Scaring her!  Am I gonna find faux Body Parts from the Sex Shop, Mom?  Well, mebbe... I did in there last time I Cleaned it for him.  You have to get where nothing Shocks you.

 

And everyone Loves him, but even his Sister gets unsettled by how Ill he is and whether he should be Housed in a more Institutionalized Setting?  I don't want that for him, he's higher Functional than that, and involuntary Commitments are real Rare anyway.  It's not Illegal just to be Crazy so long as you're not a Danger to Self or Others.  You can be as Crazy as a March Hare and that's perfectly Okay, even if you can't take Care of yourself, The System does not Care enuf to provide what you need for the bare basics of Survival, we treat Domestic Animals better than the Seriously Mentally Ill.   Most of Society has more compassion and would Advocate more for Domestic Animals than for the Seriously Mentally Ill Humans too.   The seriously Developmentally Disabled have some Safety Nets in place if they're bad enuf off or their Families can't Cope or Care for them, the same is NOT True for the Seriously Mentally Ill or their Families.   And I do worry what will happen to any of them when I'm Gone... coz Society doesn't Care now... I doubt they'll suddenly Care then...

*******

Hopeful some Good News offsets the Bad News... Dawn... The Bohemian

Backsliding... But Trying To Maintain A New Normal

 Becoz I am shortening Posts and being more Editorial, in a rather successful way, which Surprised even me, I'm now 8 Unpublished finished Posts ahead!!!  Can I get a Whoop Whoop?!  With my short Attention Span, condensing things has been beneficial actually, and I'm always working towards being Editorial and attaining Just Enough rather than Too Much, sometimes, like this Goal of Less in my Posts, I even Succeed!  *LOL*  That's actually Encouraging to me, to know I CAN do it if I keep Practicing.  Blogs are better Practice since I will Blog Daily without becoming overwhelmed by what I'm doing here.  Lately I overwhelm easily when tackling the House/Property Downsize and Decluttering.  The Great Edit and Purge stalled considerably and I wasn't too bothered it had.  It was just a lot of Work and I kept Backsliding constantly.

It's also my Distraction Coping Technique to Collect nice things, so I'm not constantly fixated or focused on what isn't going Well in Life, in the Country, in General.   Right now I don't have another Coping Mechanism I can replace it with, and, well, I've HAVE to, wouldn't I?  Otherwise, as Nurse Remi reminded me just Yesterday, most people would completely give up, give in, or give out and not Survive all of this with their Psyche Intact.  She could be Right.  She told me she enjoys coming here, becoz tho' she's seen a lot of Misery, Suffering, and Major Life or Client Challenges in her Career and Lifetime, she's impressed with the Good Humor and Grace we handle ours with.  We make her Laugh, we Laugh a lot, we make her more Grateful, we cause her to Cope better with her own Problems and Issues of Life, becoz she feels hers pale by comparison to what we are up against.  Wow, knowing some of what she's Shared of her own Life Story, that was a huge Compliment and Encouragement to ME!!!

Like many folks she told me I could Write a Book about it all, I told her I Blog instead.  *Ha ha ha*  A Book, and Deadlines, just would not be something I could get thru or finish.  It would be as difficult for me as Editing and Purging has been.  And I don't need One more difficult thing to take on.  Life is handing me enough of that without voluntarily taking any on.  Plus, that Book would be as long as "War And Peace", wouldn't it?   It would be a never ending Book, or a Series of never ending Books.  It would go on longer than "M*A*S*H" did on TV, which ended up being longer running than the Korean War it was depicting and set in!!!  *Bwahahahaha*  The Korean War lasted just over 3 Years... the TV Show lasted for 11 Seasons!!!  People literally Aged more than a Decade on that Show during their Tour of Duty, which would have been about a Single Year for most GI's Rotation to a War Zone, unless they did multiple Tours there.  The Man always had to do multiple Tours to War Zones coz of his areas of Expertise and how good he was at it.

Anyway, no Book will be forthcoming, but the Blog I enjoy enuf I'll keep cranking out Posts, shorter ones now Hopefully will be my New Normal, we'll see?  *Winks*   And I still continue with Editing and Purging, just at a much slower pace and not so anxious to attain the Goal, which was lofty, of ever being Done in this Lifetime.  It takes the Pressure off actually, coz, I'd have to Live several Lifetimes to attain it, and I have no Plans to become an Immortal too.  *Winks*  That would be not only a loftier Goal, but I wouldn't wanna Outlast everyone either, the Losses keep piling up and my Dear Mom was absolutely Right, it's the hardest part of getting Old, the Outliving of everyone else.  At some point she just didn't wanna Lose yet another Person who meant something to her.  Not another Friend, extended Family Member {she just had an older Brother who outlived her}, and she definitely didn't wanna Lose a Child, Grandchild or Great-Grandchild.  My Welsh Uncle attained 90 in remarkable Shape, but had told me, that was Life Enough.

I don't know yet when I'll consider it Life Enough?  I see my Vibrant Next Door Neighbors in their 80's, and some of you Dear Blog Friend Octogenarians who are equally Inspiring to me.  I would Aspire to get there and be as Inspirational and Vibrant, but, nobody has Guarantees.  Could I still be maintaining and responsible for all that I'm required to do now for a Decade or more still?  I doubt it, I seriously doubt it, and that troubles me, of coarse it does.  But, it's always troubled me.  When I was Raising The G-Kid Force I only asked for enough Grace and Mercies to LAST until they were Grown.  They're all Grown.  But, of coarse, due to extent of Disabling Factors, nobody is Living Independently that I'm the Caregiver of, nor will some of them ever be able to.  That's just factual.  I'm trying to arrange things in a way they could, as a Collective, manage when I can't anymore, or am gone.  I require Distractions from that precarious Future they all have too, so I don't dwell upon it and have my Joy Stolen by Life or by the Devils in Life.  Of which we have many these days.

As I was filling out The Grandson's long Application for SSI Disability Benefits, which had to assess level of Disability they will now Review, as told in our Words, I'm glad we could Laugh about what was not Funny.   Nurse Remi said she doesn't know how we CAN, but that in the telling of it, in the way that we just do, she was Laughing so hard she was Crying Tears of... well... Laughter Tears, not Sorrowful Tears... there's a difference.  With her Nephew's Situation ongoing she had been having it be a heavy Weight and Burden upon her Soul.  He's a Schizophrenic in Trouble now, his Future uncertain, her Family distraught and not knowing what to do.  And I've been there and done that, it's a tough Row to Hoe for any Family and I have the utmost compassion and empathy, we've Lived it too.  We find ways to Laugh about it in the retelling of the outrageous Stories now, coz you can't make this shit up!!!  *Winks*  And the Sharing of our Intimate Experiences can be Cathartic... and Healing.  I never take it for Granted or lightly that we are entrusted with Sad Truths about the Lives of others and that someone Shared something deeply Personal and hard they are going thru.  

 So, The Schizophrenic Daughter Shared some of her Stories to Cheer Nurse Remi up about her Schizophrenic Nephew's Situation, and her Schizophrenic Son's Stories {The Young Prince}.  All very similar versions to Nurse Remi's Nephew's, but told in Dark Gallow's Humor.  That Nurse Remi could Laugh at 'til her Sides hurt and Tears were streaming down her Face.   I mean, her Dear Nephew was Arrested at the Airport when he had a Psychotic Episode... so we could only Imagine how that Story could be told in a way that would be Amusing in the Retelling of a Tragic Situation for a Family Traveling with an SMI Loved One, and the complexities of taking that Show on the Road!!!  *Smiles* The Daughter tells her after each Story, see... your Nephew is gonna be Okay, I've been Locked Up many times in the United States AND Mexico for being Crazy in Public.  It's gonna be Okay, it happens.  Sometimes The System gets tired of the hassle and expense of Locking us Crazy Folks up, they'll usually just let him out so the Family has to Deal with it.  And here we now are, I'm not Locked Up NOW and I'm still as Crazy as I ever was!  And we're sitting here Laughing and finding the Humor about it, aren't we?  *LOL* 

 Even tho' none of it IS Funny, if you tell it in the Right Spirit of Humor and Grace, are a good Storyteller of Truths that are Stranger than Fiction, it's not Wrong to Laugh about it!!!  It's like a Good Medicine to your Soul.  You won't go to Hell for Laughing at Life's Ironies and Tragedies told in a Comedic way.  Many Famous Comedians have done it.  Many had the most Tragic of Stories to tell, they choose to do so in Humor, to Laugh about it and have others be able to Laugh in the Telling of it.  Sometimes we Laugh so hard about inappropriate things that The Man gets a little bit concerned we took it too far... but, can you?  Really?  Take Humor and Laughter too far?  Would Tears of Sorrow be better?  I think not, I'll choose Laughter every single time.  I can't always change what was a Tragedy, what I experienced, saw, endured, just IS the way things ARE that I have no Control over.  So, Why NOT find the Humor in it, even if a little Morbid, Sic and Twisted.

I STILL break out in hysterical Laughter with Insider Joke Phrases our Family has about things NOT Funny but have given us tons of Laughter all the same.  If I happen to just say, "And he still had his Little Vest on...", Princess T and I will roar with Laughter and 'til we Cry and our Sides hurt.  The Man knows the Reason, he thought it totally inappropriate and NOT Funny, we go into Hysterics about it, STILL Funny to us... tho' NOT REALLY Funny.  The Musings about it still Amuse us no End.  Why?  New Readers may wanna get in on the Insider Joke to the Phrase, Okay then:  We're driving down the busy Freeway in the Express Lane, pretty fast, coz in Metro Phoenix most in that Lane are going 80 so you better be too.  Well, out my Driver Window, off on the Side where you'd pull off if you had Vehicle Trouble, was a completely Stiff Dead White Chihuahua Service Animal, and he still had his Little Vest on...!!!  Now, my warped Mind instantly conjured up, how the Hell did THAT happen?!  In the most morbidly hilarious ways of coarse!!!  *LMAOROTF*  And Princess T Shared my Dark Gallow's Humor about the Strange and Mysterious Incident.

After all, I can't bring the Little Guy Back, Dead.  Gonna Be Dead, some folks might not even have bothered to acknowledge seeing the Tragic Outcome of that Little Guy's Sentient Life and ultimate demise.  The Cleanup Crew on the Freeway might have their own Questions of WTF???  We keep Dead Vested Chihuahua's Memory Alive by our Humor of the Incident and Speculation on how the Hell did that even happen?!?  Was his Caregiving of his Disabled Human just too much and he decided to end it all and just jump out the Window Kamikaze Style?  Goodbye Cruel World, I can't do this or take this anymore!  Was he catching a Breeze as his Disabled Owner/Driver sped down the Freeway at 80 mph and he just fell out the Window?  A tragic Accident.  Did his Disabled Human, however fucked up they might have been, decide they didn't need him after all or have a Psychotic Moment and out the Window he was tossed?  A horrible Homicide Version, "48 Hours" Style and we should be finding that Sick or Insane Perp and Prosecuting them for Animal Abuse or being Criminally Insane? 

 Well, the possibilities of what might have happened are Endless, depending on your Imagination and how Fertile it is?   And just saying randomly, if some of us are Down and Feeling Sad, "And he still had his Little Vest on...", well, now The Family, and YOU, will possibly have a hard time keeping a Straight Face no matter what you're going thru?  And I'd rather have you Laughing with genuine Tears of Positive Energy streaming down your Face, however inappropriately Why, than having Tears of Sorrow or Emotional Turmoil Wrecking you instead.  Another Comedic Phrase we pull out Often is, "Will you just Look at that!  Just LOOK at it..."  If you have not seen the TikTok Video of the Guy pretending to Buy someone's Old Hooptie Car and messing with the Seller, you simply MUST go take a Look... and that Phrase now will Forever make you roll with Hysterical Laughter if you find that kind of Humor hilariously Funny?  Whenever Princess T is Mad at Eli The Cat, I'll walk in when I hear the Yelling... and say, while Looking at said Cat, "Will you just Look at that!  Just LOOK at it..."

She'll then start Laughing, and Eli somehow finds that Phrase so Amusing or Complimentary, he will now quit misbehaving and Act Silly and The Fool, rolling over, exposing his Belly, making Facial Expressions that shows he's Happy to now be the Center of Attention and LOOKED at.  And, would ya just LOOK at THAT, just LOOK AT IT!!!  And you keep saying it until everyone is rolling with Laughter and the Cat is basking in it, not realizing he's the butt of an Insider Joke... or mebbe he does... who knows what Thoughts Cats have?  But, he LIKES it, seems to LOVE Hearing it actually... and that's all that matters, and we're all Laughing no matter how many times it's done... coz it never gets Old... any more than the Dead Vested Chihuahua Memory does of that Day we're careening down the Black Canyon Highway at 80mph and see that most unexpected and Curious Tragic Sight!   In extended Memory of Dead Vested Chihuahua, may he RIP.

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No Worries, no Animals were harmed in the making of this morbid Dark Humor Post... Dawn... The Bohemian

Foodie Eye Candy And Medical Tests Galore

 Okay, so my Mammo went first and is easy for me coz I got plenty to fling on to the Machine.  *Winks*  But the Ultrasound was more invasive and uncomfortable coz it was External AND Internal, which nobody had mentioned that!  I was not expecting the latter, which is an Internal Probe, and that is NOT comfortable to go thru.  Fun Times and a Surprise!  Now I have some cramping, but, at least they got all the Imaging done that they should need and I've just got to now wait for the results and findings.  She spent a lot of time Imaging my Right Side on the Ultrasound Internal and External, so I'm guessing that's the problematic side???  Both Technicians were Females and very nice, very efficient, it wasn't even that hard to drink the 32 oz. and 16 extra oz. they then wanted me to drink without needing to Pee.  *Whew*  You get to Pee in between the external Imaging and the internal one, Thankfully.  *LOL*

I then went to "Lowe's" to have my List bought, with my Military Discount it came to $105 for the Rake, Toilet Snake, 6 AC Filters and a 100 ft. non kinkable Fabric Mesh Garden Hose... one of those Hose that Grows you see on TV that grows then contracts.  *Smiles*  Those last longer than Rubber Hoses and don't kink up, but, in our Weather the Fabric does deteriorate too, but I like that they're easier to handle and use.  I got the cheapest Metal Toilet Snake coz I couldn't tell much difference between the $17 one which I bought and the $50 one.  It did the job, The Daughter had it unclogged in less than a Minute.  *Whoop Whoop!  And Hallelujah!*  I went to "First Watch" for my Breakfast after that and brought Home some Honey Biscuit Beignets Bites for The Man.  Nurse Remi was still here when I got Home.  We had some Laughs, as we always do, Gallow's Humor Style.

Nurse Remi knows how many Mentally Ill we have in this Family and she used to work in Prisons and State Mental Hospitals as a Nurse, so she has an understanding of The Systems.  She also has a Nephew, her Sister's Son, whose been a Schizophrenic since he was only 8 Years Old.  Our Grandson was diagnosed with it at 7 Years Old, it's Rare in Children actually, mostly it manifests in Teens to Early Adulthood.  Anyway, her Nephew had a Psychotic Episode at an Airport and now they've got to go thru The System with him, it's always very Sad for Families coz there is no Cure.  She said it lightens her Heart to come here becoz we handle our Situations with Serious Mental Illness with Humor and Grace, which Uplifts her about the Family Situation they're currently going thru.  I'm glad it's Helpful, she's so Helpful to us being The Man's Home Nurse.

Anyway, I had the Paperwork Social Security sent to The Grandson, for us to fill out, only to find out he's halfway to New Mexico right now with Allen!!!   And will be back somewhere around July 4th... I had no Idea that was happening... such is Life with a Schizophrenic tho', so, not that unusual for them to take off and come back whenever.  So, I'll just fill out the Paperwork for him, as his Caregiver Grandparent/Parent, and send it in by the Deadline, which is the 26th of June.  Whaddya gonna do?  If they want to Schedule his Psyche Eval or Caseworker Sessions before he returns, I'll have to say he took off again, if they know anything about the Nature of the Illness, they realize these afflicted with it go Off The Grid a LOT. 

 Sometimes it's for Days... sometimes for Weeks... Months... even Years.   Nothing you can do about it, I have Medical Power of Attorney for him that he voluntarily gave me, but I'm not his Warden and can't keep him here involuntarily and against his Will.  The Daughter disappears still for Days or Weeks at a time, I'm used to this with the Schizophrenic Loved Ones.  So, anyway, it's probably better I fill it out anyway, he'd struggle with it and not be as accurate at answering the Questions... often he's not in Touch with Reality and is in his own World... which I call Planet Young Prince.  I don't reside there and unless you had the same Diagnosis as him, you probably don't either.  So, I don't even know what Color the Sky is on Planet Young Prince?  *Winks*  It's kind of a "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" Song Lyrics kinda place tho', that's for damned sure.  *LOL*

Picture yourself in a boat on a river

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies

Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green

Towering over your head

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes

And she's gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Ah

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain

Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies

Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers

That grow so incredibly high

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore

Waiting to take you away

Climb in the back with your head in the clouds

And you're gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Ah

Picture yourself on a train in a station

With plasticine porters with looking glass ties

Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile

The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes

Princess T got me an early Birthday pressy, a Blind Box of some little Figures we both like, mine was one I actually preferred of the Line, sometimes you Luck Out and get the one you like best.  This one is called Axel-Black from the Dark Forest Series.  She'd bought a bunch for herself and her Boyfriend bought her some too, most of hers are the Mini Anime Characters, all Blind Boxes.  I don't like Blind Boxes as I want the one I want... so when I buy any for her I pay the Extra to get exactly the one she wants.  *LOL*  Her Boyfriend didn't even know you could do that... so now I told him he can, he'll probably pay the Extra too so she gets any in the Line she's either missing or really, really wanted.  A lot of the Collectors prefer and like the Blind Boxes for the 'Surprise' of not knowing which one they'll get.  It is a brilliant Marketing Strategy to increase Sales.  They don't make it well known you can pay Extra to just get the one you want.  *Smiles*

I filled out all of The Grandson's SSI Paperwork, found out he could have me fill it out, just not a Doctor or Therapist.   The Daughter helped me, he even called me to Answer some Questions I wasn't sure about... and we were inappropriately Laughing about some of the Questions and what I 'should' put, but I was discerning.  Like the Question:  Do you get along with other People?  And I told The Daughter, well, I'm putting down that sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't.  And then she added in a Deadpan Voice, "And sometimes you Need a Restraining Order!"  *Bwahahaha*  Okay, so, that was Funny, yet True, in a Gallows Dark Humor way.  And, no, I didn't put the Restraining Order Part on his Paperwork's Answer.  *LOL and Winks*  And I sent it in and so now I just Hope they don't Schedule him for Interviews or Eval while he's still in New Mexico until early July?!

And just now SimonMed the Lab called already, so that was Surprising, I knew they couldn't have results from my Two Tests Today this fast, just a few Hours later!!!   Now they have a request for another MRI, with and without Contrast!!!  That doesn't sound good, since, the Urgent Care did one and that was only a couple Weeks ago and I know they could get a copy of that coz I Signed the Release Form to.  So, not sure why now they Need/Want yet another one?!  Mebbe the Finding Needs more Detail?  Coz it's not like I'm having Treatments, the only thing that was prescribed was for the UTI and was just Antibiotics for 10 Days and now that has cleared up and I no longer have Pain or an Infection.  So mebbe they wanna see everything now that's Healed, I just don't know?  So, anyway, Scheduled the MRI for next Week coz they wanted to do it this Weekend, but I had Calendared and Confirmed a Job The Daughter is doing on that Day already, to take her to.   They got me in just a couple Days later, so, no Big Deal or delay.

I'm trying not to Read too much into all the Testing they're requiring, but, a part of you gets concerned, I ain't gonna Lie.  Nobody likes an anomalous finding that then needs more exploration and possible Diagnosis.   I've had False Positives before tho', for things that at first they thought were problems, and turned out not to be anything to be concerned about at all.  So, anyway, until results come in and are conclusive, I'm just not thinking about it too much so that I don't get anxious or concerned for no reason.  When I have something to worry about, is when I will bother to worry.   Above and Below is another Great Grandpup that belongs to The Young Prince's Little Sister, Pictured with him, it's his 3rd Birthday apparently.  *LOL*  She's our Youngest Grandchild and slightly Older than some of our Great-Grandchildren, tho' one Great-Grandson, at least, that Princess T's Older Sister has, is Older than her.

Angie, Bobby's Ex-Girlfriend, and the Mother of his Two Youngest Kids, who are The Young Prince's Younger Siblings, still keeps in touch with me.  Even tho' she doesn't really keep in touch with hardly anyone else.  She and I always got along fabulously and I knew eventually, their Union wouldn't hold up, coz, well, Bobby is Bobby, what can I say?  *LOL*  She and The Daughter even got along great, and now Bobby is both of their Exes, so, they have that in Common.  *Smiles*  I get along with Bobby just Fine and he's got a good relationship with his Son, which is the most Important thing.  He's always been a part of his Oldest Son's Life and been very good to Princess T over the Years too.  Always also buying her Gifts when he'd buy his Son anything, so she wouldn't feel left out.  Even tho' she's not his Child.   I always appreciated that, coz her Dad has never done anything for her.  So, Bobby's Family treated her more like one of their Family too, just due to her being The Young Prince's Sibling.  And I treat Bobby's Younger Kids like part of our Family too, coz they are, to us... being his Siblings too.  They're great Kids.  And Angie always appreciated us being Grandparents to them.

So, Angie sent me Pixs of the Adorable Great-Grandpup and his Human, whose our Youngest Adorable Granddaughter.   She has significant Autism, so this is her Emotional Support Animal.  She doesn't connect to too many people, but she always connected with The Man and I, also her Big Brother and Princess T, which was Huge, from what Angie and Bobby said.  She doesn't connect very often and the Autism was pretty significant on the Spectrum, she was Non-Verbal for a very long time.  Now she Talks.  Since Allen is also Autistic, she Loved Allen too, and he can relate to how she is, so he and The Young Prince were the only ones Angie would let Babysit, coz her Daughter wouldn't accept just anyone Caring for her.  The Young Prince and Allen liked Babysitting for the Kiddos, the Brother was easy, he'd play Video Games with his Brother and his Brother's Husband.  The only problem they had with her, when she was smaller, she'd get naked all the time.  So, keeping Clothes on her was a challenge coz she doesn't like how they Feel on her Skin.  Now she's overcome that, which is good, since, she's Older now.

With my Autistic Son when he was little, Clothing was a problem too, so I understand that challenge.  He didn't like Buttons touching him and would Cry, saying they Hurt.  Yet, he'd really hurt himself and that never 'Hurt' him, go figure!!!  Transitioning from Winter Clothing to Summer Clothing was HUGE and a lot of Tears as well.  He'd just get used to Short Pants and then he'd resist Long Pants.  Sometimes I'd just let him wear Shorts all Year long just not to have the High Drama that came with Change.  Autistic People don't handle Change well AT ALL!!!  He couldn't ever Tie Shoelaces but could hack into a Computer!  He could never open a Combination Locker at School with only Three Numbers, but could Calculate Complex equations like a Savant, that would take you longer to key into a Computer to get the Answer, he was quicker than the Computers!  That's just how Autism works. 

 He had a Photographic Memory and Total Recall... yet, would Forget to turn in the Homework he'd spent all Night doing!  If he sits in a particular Chair all the time, if someone else sits in it, then he melted down and was Lost on where to sit, even if every other Chair in the Room was empty.   His Routines are Sacred to him and he really unravels if you Change them or mess with them.  He has a Place for everything and everything in it's Place... if you move it even a smidgen, it will set him off!   Even if done as a Joke, it's not Funny to him.  I don't like anyone messing with my Stuff or moving it, so I do understand that part of it... pretty sure I'm on the Spectrum, undiagnosed too, so I do understand how a lot of Autistic folks Feel.  I just probably don't have a really bad case of it I think???   A lot of OCD, and I'm definitely Bipolar with Mixed Episodes and definitely have Adult ADHD, but Autism, mebbe only slightly?  *LOL*   With Mental Illness you hardly ever just have one fucking Issue/Diagnosis, it's usually a Cocktail of 'em!

So, Today it got to 116 and I watched my Temperature Gauge in my Truck go up in increments of Two Degrees for a while after 2:00 p.m.!  It just kept going up in rapid succession at one point, as you can see Above!!!   It finally capped out at 116, whew!!!   The Son had to Walk Home in it since I was still at my Appointments.  Luckily Princess T's Boyfriend Rusty picked her up since I couldn't due to my Appointments.  And Below some Political Meme Dark Humor, since... well... why not?!

*******

Let's Hope I just look Fine on the MRI's, Ultrasounds and CT Scans... Dawn... The Bohemian