The Shock Factor And... Being Melancholy

 Okay, I will try not to Rant or Bitch during this Post... TRY being the Key Word here.  *Winks*  I just finished the big load of Towels and Blankets I hauled out of the Hoard that was The Young Prince's Personal Space.  He called to ask if I'd bring a Delivery to his Room that was on the front Doorstep.  I had the Come To Jesus with him in advance over the Phone, since, he's still not Home and I thought, well, better to break the News to him now that I ventured into the Bowels of Hell and saw what would give me another Anxiety Attack.  A bigger one than the one his Mom left me to Witness when I entered her level of Hell in the 5th Wheel before we cleaned it out and they'd moved out.  He knows what that looked like... and how I reacted.

He swears he's been "Working Hard on it Gramma", and I say, well Lord Jesus Help us then!!!  And come down off the Cross again to assist, coz, it wasn't Okay and isn't Hard Enough, we HAVE to do better to keep it Safer and more Sanitary, my Child!!!  He agreed he "Needs Help", Yeah, that's obvious too, admitted it overwhelms him, that nobody Helps {mostly coz he doesn't like anyone entering his Space and we respect that except for my Safety Inspections}, which he knows will happen, whether he likes it or not.  As Ringmaster and Chief Caregiver of this here shitshow it is my Sacred Duty to ensure Safety and Sanitation, it's Mandatory, not Optional.  He understands and Agreed to allow me to Help him, since, clearly, he's not capable of managing it alone.  So, we'll see how that goes?

He claimed all the Clothing on the Floor is Clean... ??? Raised Eyebrow.  I said, well, it had to be walked on constantly, so, are you sure?  He hesitated and then said, well, I've been 'sorting' it.  By 'sorting' do you mean flinging it about like a Maniac, so that anywhere it lands is 'sorted', okay then.  Another Raised Eyebrow.  You know I found things underneath all the Clothing don't you?  Yeah, well, those could have gotten broken and I know some of those are your Bobblehead Collection you Cherish, so, was that a Wise place for them to be under a layer of 'Sorted' Clothes strewn all over the Floor so that you couldn't see the Floor or the Dozen Figures you wouldn't want broken?  Another Pause.  And... yeah, I did find some things we won't mention specifically on the ole Blog, but I did to The Son, who was helping me, so he'd have a Heads Up... and start Laughing his Ass off, coz it was me who found it, not him!  *LOL*

Tho' it's not like I haven't seen my fair share of Adult Toys, let us just say.  But, I still just don't wanna accidentally grab and handle one when I think I'm picking something else up off the Floor, like a Towel, Okay?  Not much can shock me at this Season of Life and I'm very Open Minded and Liberal when it comes to whatever floats your Boat.   And that was some Floatation Device, lemme tell ya!!!  *Bwahahahaha*  I really haven't kept up with what Options Specialty Stores offer, coz, The Daughter Laughed her Ass off too when I told her I'd Found hers too under a bunch of what I picked up off the Floor... Surprise!!!  "That's a nice one", her Son just deadpanned  *LMAOROTF*, since he was the one Helping me with his Uncle that day to clear out her Schizophrenic Hoard.  This is Why I won't Help you with their stuff, Princess T deadpanned later.  *Bwahahahaha*

Mom, you really are a Soldier, is all The Son could say about how I handle such Discoveries without batting an Eye about it.  Most of my Friend's Parents would be hyperventilating and having the Vapors if they found their Kids or Grandkids Adult Toys like that.  Well, I admit some of the Adults I know would be clutching their Pearls and having the Vapors rather than having a Sense of Gallow's Dark Humor about it too I guess.  But, I been Grown a long time.  And there's not a whole lot I haven't Seen... or done, and can't Unsee either, so, none of this was all that shocking at all.  If you CAN manage to Shock me, you're extremely Unique and Madly Creative in your Shock Factor.  And, we're very Open in this Family, my Kids and Grandkids have always known you can tell me anything and I can Handle it.  You're only ever as Sick as your Secrets in Life and Confession is good for the Soul.

I must say I didn't have the Energy to do our Load of Laundry, I was fairly spent for the Day's unexpected Work I performed.  It was a LOT for a Saturday that was allegedly a "Free Day" to do whatever I wanted.  I ate some Tiramisu Cake for Comfort Food and was Good to Go now for another 10,000 Miles.  *Winks*  At least now all Kids are Grown I won't be woke early on Easter Sunday Morning to do an Egg Hunt and bestow Easter Baskets.  Or doing a Sunrise Service at Church.  I do kinda miss doing it, but like the Sleeping In part more now.  *Smiles*  After my Pastor Died our First Lady now does only Online Services and sometimes I catch one, they Closed down their Brick & Mortar location during the Pandemic.  I'm sure some of the Congregation still do the Street and Prison Ministries.  I haven't since Caregiving became Full Time and all consuming.

I don't like Organized Religions anyway and always preferred Street Ministry and Food Ministry Work.  Being Love in Action for the most Marginalized and Needy Communities often neglected or unwelcome or Judged harshly in most Churches filled with Churchy Folk.  Preach the Gospel to all the World, use Words only if you have to is my Mantra.  What you DO for the hurting and Needy in this World matter so much more than lip service Preaching and with no corresponding Action that matters to them and isn't Helpful to meet them at any Point of Need.  A good Sermon is just that, a good Sermon, but if you send everyone away with Needs unmet and say just Thoughts and Prayers, Thoughts and Prayers... generally it's not very Helpful. 

 Some Prayers go Unanswered, some Thoughts stray quickly.  It is appreciated, but Present Help is usually appreciated all the more... even from those who don't Pray and don't have to Think about Helping.  I am a Prayerful and Spiritual person and I do think Prayer can be Powerful, especially when magnified by many in Agreement about what we'd ask for Divine Intervention for.  But I have had many an Unanswered Prayer, and so when Present Help showed up and showed out in Action, it really mattered, that's what I'm driving Home a Point of.  I've had those of no particular Faith or Religion sometimes show more concern, more Humanity, more Love in Action, and more Godliness than those that profess to be among the Faithful too.  I think that is what would make Jesus Weep.  Just sayin'.

We keep getting Mail for this Guy named Bigelow who has never lived here, important Mail, even his Tax Mail, we keep sending it back as Wrong Address, never lived here.  I don't know why he'd be giving our Address rather than his own?  He wasn't the person we bought this Property from, wasn't the people they bought it from and who built the Property, so it's just Weird.  For shits and gins I looked up the name of anyone local with that Surname and there is some Pool Repair Guy in a neighboring City whose only had his Business 4 Years.  Mebbe it's him, mebbe not?  Mebbe this Guy whose Mail it is, is hiding out from Creditors and such and giving false information about his whereabouts when he applies for Loans and such, I dunno?  I'm tiring of getting so much of his Mail tho' and notified the Post Office more than once that we shouldn't be getting his Mail, it's not his Address and never has been.

Most people giving Wrong Mailing Addresses consistently, to many places that would be sending them Mail, have fraudulent intent.  Intentional deception is pretty common these days.  Porch Pirates often use false addresses for Stolen Credit Card Purchases in hopes of picking up the Package before the Homeowner discovers it and notifies the Sender it's not theirs.   And some establish false Residency Status to obtain Services they are not entitled to receive.   People are always trying to Scam various Systems and indulge in activities they shouldn't, so after too much Mail being addressed to a Person who never was here, I Report it.  Usually then it ceases coz the last thing a Criminal wants is to be traced back to whatever Game they're running and giving False Identities, False Addresses, etcetera.

I'm now Three Posts ahead unpublished and this one would make Four, I'm on a Bloggy Roll I am.  *Winks*  It's coz I've sat Home all day and when I'm not working at something, I retreat to The Land Of Blog to keep Centered and Balanced.  That's important these days.  In Real Time it will be Easter Sunday Tomorrow and the only Plans we do have is Easter Dinner at "Dino's" at 4:00 p.m., just The Man and I.  Princess T hasn't been Home for Days since she took Days off and left me in charge of her Cat's Care.  She Promised to be Home by Monday Morning so she can give me her Debit Card before we go in to the CPA to have our Taxes done, since she's covering everything for us, Bless her.  I still get a lump in my Throat from how Touched I am she volunteered to do that and won't allow me to pay her back.

It's actually so Cool Outside Tonight that I could do some Work in The RV Garage Mahal but I wouldn't even know where to start?  The Daughter did leave some Aisles in there completely in disarray from her going thru everything to Organize it into Like-Objects to help with the Big Edit and Purge, always ongoing, never ending.  She'd done so much in there I can't complain coz it is a Work in Progress and still much Culling needs to be done, clearly.  It's hard coz most of what's in there is of the Selling variety of what would be Culled.  And I have limited Retail Space to cram it in there and don't have the Spaces here in Order enuf for Invited Picking of my Industry Friends.  Plus, the last time I invited one he kept wanting to Buy only what I was unwilling to Sell, the most Primo items I'm keeping and not Selling.  

 

Ain't that the way it always is?  It's all The Good Stuff but a Picker always wants the BEST you have and mebbe you're not Selling that at a Picker Discount.  If I'm gonna let go of my Primo items, I can get Full Value easily to profit myself most from having Invested in it.   I will and have Sold a lot of the Good Stuff to Industry Friends and always give them that 1st Cousin Deal/Discount so we all can make Money.  But, some things will not be For Sale in my Lifetime and they'll have to Negotiate with my Heirs for those Primo items that I wanted to Keep for my Lifetime to enjoy and didn't Need to Sell Off.   Anyway, as it stands, my Showroom and Locked Case are chock full right now and until we get more Turn on our Sales, I can't keep bringing more in, no room to.

When The Daughter was here and doing Yard Sales, frankly I was disappointed in how poorly they were attended.  Used to be you could easily make a few Hundred Bucks in one Morning at any Yard Sale you Hosted.  Those days are long gone just like Sales sag now at Antique Mall Spaces.  I used to make more Money on that Hobby than I was making Working a Career sometimes.  I think that's why some folks started trying to do it to make a Living, but, the Market is so fickle, especially the Antiques/Vintage/Collectibles Market.  I would never presume to make it a Living, so it will always just be a Hobby.  Most of the time it's almost not worth doing unless you really Love the doing of it.  I happen to still really enjoy the doing of it even when it's not making Money, or barely making Money to do it.  What else are ya gonna do anyway, inflation is eroding whatever your Money and Investments is worth anyway.

In Retirement you just have to do what you Love and be content with that Freedom to pursue your Bliss, whether it's profitable to or not.  I'm glad we're Retired, we devoted a lot of our Life to our Careers and had a good measure of Success, so we Earned our Retirement Years, for sure.  These still can be some of the Best Years if we keep it all in perspective.  I still got what I consider First World Problems.  And having lived in Third World Countries, or visited some, I know the difference.  The Young Prince never did come Home either, but that's Okay.  He will have Five Laundry Baskets sitting in the Hallway, of what he claims is "sorted and clean clothing" I picked up off his Floor in there, to go thru and re-sort, or whatever the Hell he was actually doing with it on the Canvas of his Psychotic Schizophrenic Imagination?  *Smiles*   One Laundry Basket worth of Towels and Blankets is now neatly Washed and Folded, put away, he can Thank me later.  His Grandpa did all his dirty dishes too, he can Thank him later too.

The Son has been the only one Home with us all Holiday Weekend and working furiously doing things for us in the Yard and helping me in the House wade thru his Nephews Chaos and Hoard.   He told me he's glad he never had Kids, he knows he couldn't handle it if they were high maintenance or defective Kids.  I hadda Laugh coz he was Dead Serious about it and off-n-on always wondered if he should have had Bio Children... now he's confident he made the right decision not to.  *LOL*  He's helped various Women he's been with a long time Raise and Support their Children, that was enuf Parenting for him to have no delusions.  Plus, he helped me with The G-Kid Force coz he was only 13 when The Young Prince was Born and still living at Home and a Teenager when Princess T was Born, we were Custodial Grandparents before we got the last of ours Raised.  It was a lot of Kids, he used to say.  Being my Youngest Child he always thought he'd enjoy some time of being the Only Child still at Home.  No such Luck.  *LOL*

This is Mom the last Year of her Life, Age 84, and with full blown end stage Dementia by then.   A part of her was still there and she still was Radiant of Spirit.  Dad's Spirit had left shortly before he did, he gave it up voluntarily, without a Fight, she fought the Grim Reaper Tooth and Nail, he had a hard time Taking her to the other side.  But, that's how she was, so I can't say I was surprised, she beat Death so many times before, for over Forty Years, including Cancer.  And really since Birth and many Childhood serious Illnesses like Diphtheria and Scarlet Fever, getting run over by a Car and dragged Five Miles under it, and Surviving WWII in War Ravaged Europe, which is pretty impressive.  She couldn't remember much English by then and had reverted to speaking her First Language of Welsh, and she didn't know who my Younger Brother was or that our Dad had Passed away many Years beforehand.   

She thought my Brother was her Brother and I told him to just go along with it and don't keep telling her Dad was Dead, it just upset her too much.   I still Miss my Parents terribly, you never really get over the Loss of them.  I think about each of them every single day.   This is The Daughter at Age 12, just before I paid Five Grand to have Braces put on her Teeth coz she had a Condition with her Jaw that required it.  She had the most Ahhhmazing Teeth and Smile afterwards and destroyed it with Decades of dangerous Drug Use and neglect of herself.  She laments that fact.   She was not Mentally Ill as a Child and so I recall those Years fondly, she developed her SMI and Schizophrenia in her early Teens.  So, I Lost this Child at about Age 14, just a couple Years after this Pix was taken and had to Learn to accept and Love unconditionally who she became.  Much like I did after The Man's Catastrophic Accident and Traumatic Brain Injury forever Changed who he was.  I do Wonder who they might have Been otherwise?

I've been rather Melancholy lately and pulling myself up out of that has been a Challenge.   I'm Bipolar and have Mixed Episodes, but I used to have more Mania than Depressive Episodes all my Life.  Now the Shift has come with equal Mixed Episodes of both and I'm not as used to the Depressive Side of being Manic Depressive.   I'm used to being Manic and having Mania, I don't mind Manic.   I don't mind being ADHD either or having OCD, I Cope well with both actually, it's my "Normal" and I don't know any other way of Being actually... been that way my whole Life.   But the Depressive Episodes are The Devil and a Bitch to move thru.  I wake up pretty Positive and Happy most of the time tho', so, it's only as my day wears on a bit that the Melancholy and inability to Cope tends to set in and make Life quite the struggle to move thru effectively without impairment now.   I get overwhelmed, I feel Hopeless, I don't wanna Do a damned thing sometimes, and Caring Less has become habitual it seems.  I have almost No Fucks to Give anymore. 

That's why it was Cute and Humorous for Princess T to Buy me that  "Bag Of Fucks I Have To Give" filled with Five Fucks, as a Surprise Gift for no Reason... coz, I doubt I have that many left to give actually.  She recognizes I'm struggling and I know that makes her very Anxious and Worried, coz I used to be able to Mask it and now I just am not that good an Actress anymore.  Plus, they're all Grown now so sometimes I do keep it 100% when I'm not in a Good Head Space and they Need to Know that Fact.   The Man probably feels the most Anxious when he sees me faltering coz I usually don't falter.   And he knows he's in no condition now to step up and step in for me, he'd like to, he wants to, but he hasn't the capacity to anymore, Bless him.   

The Son has been trying to step in and step up, also not hide at the bottom of a Beer Can when he's not Coping so well with it all either.  He's kept Clean, but the Autism and his Bipolar Condition are Forever too, so he hasn't kicked Alcoholism yet and attained Sobriety from that Addiction.  He admitted he doesn't think he could do this Hand Dealt in our Lives completely Sober, so he doesn't even want to not have something to take the Edge off and Escape into.   He cut back coz I told him he had to, he was drinking too early sometimes and it does not make Life or Relationships and Issues less complicated to be Drunk.  I haven't hit the Gym in a little while coz Physically I've felt pretty drained lately too and sore all over.  Just doing what I must here at Home, Physically wears me out now.  And there's much to do and no Staff.  I also don't have The Daughter here helping anymore and she was a Present Help, a good one... more than she probably knew.

 

She also was supposed to help me with her Son, and Promised to, when he came back.   But, I could tell they were not getting along anymore at all.  Two Schizophrenics might Care about each other, but he was judging her harshly and feeling she wasn't trying hard enuf to be a Parent, even tho' on a logical level he knew she is unfit to be one, which is Why I Raised them and got Custody of them since Infancy.   She was starting not to get along with her Daughter either.  Not becoz she didn't want to, but Princess T was getting irritated about how her Mom just is, and she is how she is, so, I can't change any of that.  It's tough for the Kids to unconditionally accept a Mom who was absent damned near 20 Years from their Lives and then suddenly thrust into their Lives.  

On the one hand they appreciated having Time with her for the first time ever, on the other hand it was hard for them to see how Ill she is, how unstable, how prone to making Poor choices all the time, how difficult to sustain Relationship, and the drinking bothers them a LOT.  Neither their Grandpa or I drinks, so they didn't grow up with that baggage.   They don't like their Uncle drinking either, but he's more like an Older Sibling to them and he'd moved out before he became an Alcoholic, so they didn't have to live with it before.  Living with anyone with Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, a Gambling Problem, or any other Substance Abuse Issues is a tough fucking row to hoe.   I can handle someone's Serious Mental Illness easier than I can handle what Docs or the Streets might provide to them and get them strung out on. 

They did recall when Grandpa was strung out on Pain Management Meds when they were little from the VA prescribing them too much and handing them out to Veterans like Tic-Tacs.  That was a difficult Period, I used the "D" word to make him get Clean from Opioid Prescription Dependency... or I was leaving him.  He knew my 1st Divorce was due to Substance Abuse by my Ex, so he knew I meant it.  He got Clean, he's stayed Clean even tho' he's in Chronic Pain all the time from War related injuries that Earned him several Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star.  He's been put together so many times during 39 Years of Military Service he is like the Bionic Man.   And the PTSD is tormenting too, but, he has to Soldier thru it Clean, I can't handle living around or with Drug Addiction, it's a HUGE Trigger to me.  My Mom was Addicted to Prescribed Drugs for Serial Mental Illness and Physical Ailments my entire Childhood and the rest of her Life.  It was a tough row to hoe and as a Kid you had no Choice.

Some long time Readers might remember me talking of the Theft we had at the Antique Mall by that Mousy Librarian MAGA Thief Vendor who stole a KISS Figure and then later got caught Red Handed Stealing a bigger more expensive Mannequin from us?   Well, I stumbled upon the Pix I'd taken of the Stolen KISS Figure, that we showed Management.  But couldn't prove the one she had was ours coz the Red Dot we'd marked the Original Tag with was on the backside of the Tag as Photographed here, dammit!  Otherwise we could have proven that Theft too and that she'd swapped Vendor Price Tags on it and made a complete Set of Four, coz ours was the One she was Missing from the Full Set.  She Stole this within an Hour of us putting it into Inventory! 

 We'd noticed when we brought it in and passed by her Space that she had the other Three, individually Priced. And when ours turned up Missing, we checked to see if hers had Sold or turned up Missing too?  Instead she now had it priced as a Set and Ours was there with her Tag on it and our Red Dot identifying it as ours.  Now I keep my Eye on that Bitch coz I know she Steals from other Vendors and I make it widely known that she does.  I confronted her when she Stole our Mannequin, so, got it back from her.  Without an Apology and without Management banning her from the Mall, as they should have.  She knows she's on my Enemies List Radar, so she steers clear of me now.  And she's never challenged me telling everyone she's a Thief, coz she knows she is one.  The last time she stole from me and got caught and had to admit she did it, I told her, Steal from me again and see what happens to you... it's not a Threat, it's a fucking Promise you'll rue the day.  You can't Trust a Liar or a Thief.  If you're one or both, you're Ex-Communicado to me.

This Fur Baby was our Male Siamese, Yul, who came to us as a Stray, was Princess T's best Friend for Years, had to be put to Sleep when he developed Terminal Feline Leukemia.  I cried my Eyes out making that decision even tho' it happening took Seconds and was so Peaceful that I knew it had ended much suffering for him and he'd of Died horribly from the Disease taking him.   And, he would have spread it to our other Cats from what the Vet told me, coz it's highly contagious.  I don't know how or why it is, since Human Leukemia isn't, but it's apparently some kind of Retrovirus so not a Cancer itself.  He disappeared for a couple of Weeks, had left Home Health and came back Sickly, that's all I knew and when I took him to the Vet, that's what they diagnosed and he deteriorated rapidly.  I spent a Vet fortune trying to do something about it, to no avail.   Since he'd come to us as a Stray he never wanted to be Indoors at all and would Freak Out if brought Inside, so we couldn't Isolate him.  He was an excellent Cat.  He got much bigger than this Pix when he was in his Prime of Life.

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Fighting the Melancholy Blues in the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian