A Very Dark Post And Space To Hold

Well, they caught that Political Assassin within 48 Hours and I Hope they send a strong Message to any other Domestic Terrorists by how they Deal with him?   If this President Pardons the likes of him then we'll know he was behind the whole Assassination Plot.  I do often wonder if they're recruiting their most rabid Base of violent offenders to do their dirty work for them, a lot of Cults and Criminal Organization Leadership do.  And lets face it, this Administration has revealed themselves to be an Organized Criminal Syndicate in how they conduct themselves and their tactics, with no respect for the Rule Of Law and level of brazen Corruption.

I myself have not been in the best Head Space, there's so much going on, Nationally, Globally and even Personally, so, it's a lot to unpack and process.   Emotionally regulating while moving thru it all is proving to be like a Minefield of Emotional ups and down to attempt to regulate and balance out.   Full Time unpaid Caregiving is a 24-7 and 365 challenge and it really does Isolate you considerably.   I try to stay connected to the rest of Society, but the Isolation can be intense and extensive nonetheless.  The lack of contact with almost everything outside of immediate Family takes a toll.  Your Socialization is so limited and impaired by the demands and circumstances of Caregiving and being the Caregiver.

Sometimes I get Cross with The Man, becoz I resent that I'm giving it my All, and he, due to his decline in Health and Mental Acuity, seems oblivious to the Sacrifices being made.  He's how he just is and how it's going to be, and I realize it will progress in a downward trajectory, so, it's scary and Anger is often Fear in disguise.   I got Angry at him halfway thru Father's Day.  Everyone was trying so hard to make it all about him and do something Special for him, he was being difficult and irritable regardless, for the whole Day.   Mebbe it just overwhelmed him, but effort was made and it seemed for naught.   Finally I just gave up trying to make the effort and thought, Fuck it.

That's when he seemed to acknowledge, oh wait, something might be Wrong with this picture?!   Ya think?!   Why are you so Mad, he finally asked?   And so I told him, and he didn't receive it well, since, it cannot process that it's ever his fault when his behavior is challenging to the rest of us.   So, I just had to tell him that I had nothing more to say.  The Silence should have been Welcome to him since most of the time he's not Listening to anyone anyway, you can stop Talking mid Sentence and he doesn't even notice you didn't finish whatever you were saying.  So, clearly he was never Listening to you to begin with and that's very hurtful at times.  Makes conversation with him seem pointless.  Often I just give up once I realize he's totally Checked Out and not Listening.

I find myself Doctor Googling a lot of what to expect as the normal progression of Dementia.  About that Topic that Triggered me yesterday it states:  Individuals with Dementia may seem to not Listen or Understand due to the impact of the Disease on their Cognitive Abilities, particularly in areas related to Communication and Processing Information.   So, tho' clearly it's not Personal, it's hard not to Personalize it when your Loved One completely Checks Out during attempts at Conversation and then gets Upset when you just quit bothering to Talk or Listen, becoz you felt Shut Down and Shut Out, so, Fuck it, I'm Done trying to have a Dialogue. 

I know, I'll get Over It, coz I have to in order to move Forward in a Positive Direction.   And not punish him for something he can't really be responsible for, which wouldn't be Kind or Compassionate of me.  Being able to Self Care is a delicate and seemingly Impossible Balance sometimes tho'.   Since I'd taken him out coz he wanted to go somewhere, and then it all went Sideways, I just brought him back Home and went to Bed very early.  So, the Family knew something was Wrong, I was Asleep by 6:30 p.m., but, have to be up at 3:00 a.m. anyway to take The Son to Work.  So, they had to just watch him and Take One for The Team, I was fucking Done for the Day and didn't wanna Talk about it. 

He'll rattle on about his Fav Show Reruns as if that's more Real to him than Real Life or the rest of us, so, I just Listen and acknowledge, that's his World now and we may become less and less a part of it.  That's what happened with Mom and her progression of the Disease, to where eventually, she didn't even know who most of us were.  I think she only remembered who I was coz I wasn't a Favorite so she had more conflict with me over a Lifetime and that Stuck?  *Bwahahaha*  Mom suffered from Serious Mental Illness, Bless her, and I was the only one who'd stand up to her when she was Off The Rails, so, we had our Moments.  We were Close in spite of it most of the time, but it was coz I made the Effort to be and didn't hold her SMI against her, you can't.  Or, should I say, you shouldn't.

I look at TBI and Dementia in a similar way to Dealing with Loved Ones with Serious Mental Illness.   It's not all of what defines them, so you look for the Space to have Relationship with them when and if you can.  That takes a lot of Work on your part and sometimes you're up to it and sometimes you're just not.   I'm in a not up to it mode right about now so I'm giving myself a break from trying for now and giving myself some Space to detach and have some Self Care.   I've got a Doc Appointment on Wednesday and an Event on Thursday.   It's usually a favorite Event but I'm very ambivalent about doing anything right now for a host of valid reasons beyond overall despondence and personal circumstances beyond my Control.   I have to attend the former, and discuss some new Health Problems I'm experiencing... and the latter, I'm almost thinking of blowing off and not attending this Month.  {Sidenote: Below is the only thing I can get The Man to eat for Breakfast now... Le Sigh.}

 It's now 115 Outside and I don't have sufficient Motivation or Energy to go stand in any Line Outside for anything.  Plus, we never got our Social Security Checks on Time, AGAIN!   So, we can't even pay all our Bills on Time AGAIN, which will incur additional Costs AGAIN.  I reported it to the AG's Office as they asked everyone to whose Checks have been Negative affected, we'll see what happens?   So far, since this Administration took over, they've fucked with our Social Security every single Month, so you never know if you'll get it at all, let alone on Time?  Mebbe that hasn't affected all Recipients yet, but it did with us right away and is it coincidental we didn't Vote for this Administration?  I think perhaps that's not mere coincidence since they got into everyone's confidential and most sensitive Files and promised Retribution and Revenge with punitive measures against all they consider Adversaries.

I know that not doing the things I enjoy is a telltale Sign of going into a Bipolar Low, so I'm trying not to Go There.   But, that Cycle of Going Down is becoming apparent to me.  You can't always be on a Manic High when you have Mixed Bipolar I Episodes, and I'd rather have the Mania, I'm much more Functional.  The Lows are The Devil and its hard to have even minimal Function during them, you really have to press hard and deep to even get out of Bed, let alone fulfill all other Obligations you're Responsible for.  It takes all your Energy to give a Shit, becoz your last Fuck to give pretty much left the Building once you enter the Low Zone of Manic Depression.  I pretty much Feel nothing... zilch... nada... Feelings are completely Turned Off and I know I have a flat affect and can only fake Feeling anything at all.

I don't usually Talk about it, I just move thru it, since, there's no Cure and I cannot tolerate the Psyche Meds they usually give you for the Condition, it made things much, much worse.   Scary worse, so they discontinued them and just now ask, how I'm doing when I see Primary Docs"?  and I Lie and say Fine, becoz, Mental Health Resources are rather a Joke these days anyway and a Money Grab, nobody actually Cares, they know it too, so, No Thanks, it's not Helpful in the least.   I could set Money we don't have on Fire and have it mean more than outlaying it to some Mental Health Professional whose not at all Helpful.  And frankly, most get on my last Raw Nerve coz they know there's no Cure and what they can do is not all that effective either, but is madly expensive and unaffordable all the same. 

   "How do you FEEL about that?", seems to be their Go To to Solve all your Issues Of Life/Problems.  *Bwahaha and Huge Eye Roll of Jaded Cynicism*   Well, what a loaded Question that is... that doesn't Help you at all in the Real World... how you Feel about it is irrelevant, if you Felt anything, but especially when now you "Feel" nothing about any of it.  They couldn't handle The Truth anyway, coz then they'd actually have to Act upon it and DO something.  And they never have Solutions, and the prospectus to replace me is astronomically high for the State, way back when it was Sixty Grand a Month.  So, they'd rather I be Fine, coz they don't fucking have a Game Plan or the Resources, no Plan B if I become incompetent or incapacitated.   You might as well just try to Function with a element of Madness as best you can and Roll with it.

 They never did have a Placement for The Man even when we required it, they just dumped him on us and said, "Good Luck with that and we Hope it all works out..."  And when it doesn't, don't call us.   When you take your Disabled Loved Ones in to Qualify for the limited Sources that MIGHT be available and are parsed out sparingly, only if you're lucky enuf to be Flavor of the Month, it's enuf Hoop Jumping, Dog & Pony Show Theatrics to be a 3-Ring Circus.   I'm already the Ringmaster of this here Shitshow so I don't tend to tolerate The System very well when they're pretending to even consider supplying a modicum of Assistance or Services.  When they eventually deny you, I just want to Light them on Fire, so, since that's frowned upon, and I'd rather just forego the Pretenses, and my Loved Ones are too Fragile to be put thru all of that, again, we mostly don't bother now to Apply.

The Daughter still hasn't girded herself to go back to DES and even Apply for Nutritional Assistance for another 90 Days of the 2025 Limit Annually she can Apply to receive, IF she Qualifies.   Yes, we went thru the Ordeal, Months ago, to fill out all the scads of Paperwork it requires, but with a Paranoid Schizophrenic, GOING there in Person is a huge Ask and she doesn't think she can Mentally do it yet.   And I don't need her to Mentally have a Psychotic Episode right there, so, not sure I'm up to it either to MEBBE get 90 Days worth of Food Stamps for her most minimal Support for an entire Year coz she is Unemployable.  And forget about going to Social Security to apply for SSI, she'd rather self-harm and be Institutionalized than go thru that fucking Process they put you thru.  So, we just let that Shit Go.

The Oldest Daughter never let on that her Stepdad had to be put into a Nursing Home after his Stroke.  Got too much for her Mom, The Man's Ex, to be his Caregiver.  He didn't really know who half his Children were, he only remembers who the Dog is, very Sad and hard for his Kids that he no longer recognizes or even remembers he has.  I can see why she didn't wanna Talk about it, but her Younger Half Sister let me know via Social Media.  I actually have more contact with the Half Sister than we do with the Oldest Daughter, she and I just really gelled and so we've kept in touch more, even tho' she's no bio connection to The Man. Her Dad seems happy in the Nursing Home and she brings the Dog to visit with him, it's an English Bulldog that her Dad was very close to and that seems to make him happy.  Tony is a great Guy, I liked him when I met him, so Sorry to know of his decline.

That Sister has an Autistic Son and she knew I did too, so we've corresponded about that as well.  He's grown into a Handsome Young Man and is very High Functional, but, it's still a tough row to hoe to Parent any Special Needs Child.   He made Honor Roll, so, like The Son, and a lot of Autistic People, he's quite Brilliant and a lot of Autistics do have very Higher than Average IQ.   She has a Teen Daughter too, who is very involved in Cheerleading, like The Daughter was when she was that Age.  I remember how much time was spent attending Sporting Events when my Kiddos were growing up coz they were very involved in extracurricular activities back then.   The Son and The Daughter were very Athletic.  The Young Prince was very Artistic and Gifted at playing Instruments, so Band was his Jam.  Princess T didn't Care for any of that so is the only one I Raised that we didn't have to go to Practices and Games for.

The Man and I were very Athletic in our Youth, I used to attend his Military Games when he was still Active Duty.  My Parents were not into Sports so they really didn't ever go to any Events of mine, but I tried to attend every one of my Kid's Games since it was important to them.  When it was no longer important to them is the extent of it for all of us, I'm not a rabid Sports Fan if someone I know, or I, am not participants.  I used to get annoyed at some Parents or Grandparents who seemed to be pushing their Kids into extracurricular Activities to Live vicariously thru them.   Some of the Kids clearly weren't Passionate about any of it and probably wouldn't have participated on their own.  Some Kids were just not good at Sports and the Parents pushed it anyway.  Some Kids were very good but weren't ever gonna be Pro Athletes, clearly, but the Parents envisioned a Pro Contract and Career for their Kid and would go seriously Mental at Games.

Our Kids actually were very Good, but, clearly not Pro Material and we could all accept that Fact and just have Fun with it.  Being really Good in your School setting, won't always translate to being exceptional in a Pro Circuit of anything.  Sometimes you're just a Big Fish while in that Small Pond.   If you are exceptional it will usually get Noticed by the Pro Scouts who Recruit.   I still have an Issue with the full boat Scholarships handed out to Athletes for Higher Education and how sparse the Scholarships actually are to exceptional Academic Students that are going to Colleges and Universities for an EDUCATION.   We short change our Genius and exceptional Academic Students by rewarding more those that can Play a Game.  Of coarse we know how much Money is involved with Sports and so to those Profiting off of it then it's more than just a Game and they have the means to Fund the Scholarships based on the Return of their Investment.  It's not that the Economics elude me, I just think we don't reward Intelligence as evenly to our Students.

Most Pro Athletes are Used for Profit in a very short Run and then discarded before they're 30.  An Exceptional Academic will be Valuable for Life.  Since it's not a Level Playing Field Academically to be Rewarded as much as being an Athletic, most Kiddos and their Families thus pin their Hopes and Dream on Sports rather than Academic Excellence.  To receive a higher Education they might otherwise never be able to afford or be burdened with the Student Loan Debts of.  And thus, are we really all that Surprised at the dumbing down of America?   I'm not.  I do think Higher Education should be available to all, not based merely on whether you can afford it, becoz Investing in our Young People is the Future of America and whether we can compete in the Global Market.   Or even be a valuable Asset to an Employer and not a permanent Underclass to be exploited by the very obscenely Rich.   The Borrower is always Subject to the Lender, ALWAYS.   Whoever and Whatever you place your Dependency on ultimately Controls you.

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Be in Control of  your own Destiny my Friends... Dawn... The Bohemian