Keep Hanging Tough

 Everyone was so Emotionally Raw that it came to a Head on the Evening of the 11th, the whole Family has just been thru a LOT.  So, every one of us, in our own way, had a Meltdown and we just Needed to, so I fully understand.  Everything evened out and Calmed Down, I told each Family Member I completely understand, but try to Dial it Back a little so we all don't Melt Down completely.  The Son spent the Heat of the Day doing Yardwork in preparation for the next Irrigation Cycle and to tidy things up in the way of our Lantana Bushes and our Trumpet Vine Hedge in front of the House.  We've had so many Bees collecting from the Blooms he had to wait 'til the Heat made them go back to their Hives so he could trim them all for me.

The Daughter, he, and Princess T had helped me all day with the Fridge Project, taking it all out, then putting it all back in and re-arranging what we have had to move out of the way.   The Young Prince, whose prone to faking not feeling Well in order to avoid requests to Help with Work, actually wasn't Well and was puking.  I'm thinking his Brown Recluse Bite may not be Healing appropriately and another Urgent Care Visit might be needed?  It's been draining a LOT, and he's finished with the Antibiotic Regimen, but that particular Spider's Bite can have serious consequences and get out of control in spite of Medical Interventions.  So, I am worried about that.  He's also Emotionally Raw about Allen just dumping a huge pile of Divorce Paperwork here and saying, you'll need a Lawyer for to get this concluded!!!

Well, other than all that, and The Man's continued Health Spiral, everything has been Swell.  *Bwahahahaha*  So, I'd been in a Dark Head Space and Depression for Two Days and that Scares all the rest of them more than I can say.  I have to tell them when I'm crashing tho' and having Burnout.  Coz everyone has to step up and do what they can while I'm Wrestling with my own Balancing Act of keeping my Head on Straight.  I had bought the Food, but didn't have it in me to Cook it.  Everyone else was Wiped Out too, so nothing got Cooked for anyone.  I loaded The Man up, while some of the Spawn were fussing amongst themselves, and took him to "Subway" then for a Sammie, we ate it in the Truck so I didn't have to Unload and Load him.

So, we sat in front of a small "Subway" near the House that Timmy used to Work at, and ate his Meatball Monday Special Sammie and my Club Sammie, with Chips and a Drink, and didn't then feel so Hangry.  *LOL*  It was 6 inches of Goodness, we both felt we couldn't do 12 inches... and get your Minds out of the Gutter now you Naughty Dear Readers whose Minds immediately went THERE.  *Winks*  Too Much is just Too Much, even if we aren't talking about Sammies anymore?  *Bwahahahaha*  And when we got Home, the fact we bailed on them all and took off, even tho' they know me loading up Grandpa is an Ordeal for me, especially since it was still 107 Degrees out there, they all knew to Calm Down and Dial it way the fuuuuuuuck Back!  *LOL*

The Man didn't mind going out for a Sammie to eat in the Truck coz it got him out of the house and he knew I've had a couple of Mental Health Days I was wrestling with.  He still tries to be very Supportive when I'm hitting The Wall Emotionally, coz I'm not usually an Emotional person, so showing them isn't something I do very often.  We were Laughing by the time we got Home coz it was rather absurd, sitting in a Truck with the Air Conditioner on in front of a Strip Mall "Subway", it's 107 Outside, and we're scarfing down our Sub Sammies and Chips. 

 He's actually still wearing his Jammie Shorts, which look like Gym Shorts so nobody would know and he's not getting out of the Truck anyway.  I was at least Dressed to go inside and get our Meal.  Not that I haven't sometimes worn what obviously are Jammie Print Pants out before, I can Roll all Ghetto like that when I don't give a shit.  I've gone to a Park before in them to do Environmental Cleanup some Mornings, people will leave you the fuck alone, even Street folk.  *LOL and Winks*

Nothing Screams being either Mental or Hood, mebbe both, than wearing Jammie Pants out in Public, Slippers if you have 'em!  *Smiles*  Sometimes the Kiddos will joke with me when they know I've done it and say, all I Needed to complete The Look of not messing with, was a Bonnet.  *Bwahahahaha*  For anyone unfamiliar with who you should NEVER mess with, it's The Bonnets.   Any Female wearing one, especially if she's wearing her Jammie Pants too, and perhaps her Bedroom Slippers, whether in or out of Da Hood, she would be a Gal you definitely don't wanna mess with, Piss Off and get in a Street Fight with!  *Winks* 

 Tattoos on the Face you'd fare better getting Scrappy with than a Gal wearing a Bonnet!   And if she's got Tats on her Face AND wears a Bonnet, Hell No... you say whatever it takes to smooth any potential Beef she might have with you, for any reason, no matter how trivial!   Lessons from Da Hood 101.   Then you will more likely Live long and Prosper my Friends. *LOL and Winks*

On my Mental Health Days is when I'm more likely to just tool around in my Jammie Pants and a mismatched T-Shirt anyway, it's a Clue I am not doing Well.  So you needn't even Ask... NOT Well on them days.  So it was rather Rare I had bothered to actually get Dressed that day to go to the Subway for Sammies at Three in the Afternoon on a Monday and it was The Man still in his Jammie Pants instead.  Coz he's usually never been Unwell enuf he won't throw on some Pants before going Public *Bwahahahahaha*

  But Listen, if you've been Urban long enuf, you realize that the average Big City Dweller doesn't bat an Eye at seeing ANYTHING, and I Kid you NOT.  So, mostly nobody even pays attention or notices, coz there's lotsa Crazy out there on them Streets any given day of the Week, so it's just another Day in Paradise.  You will not particularly Stand Out.  *LOL*

I seem to be doing better on Day Three of a Bipolar Low tho'.  I don't mind being Manic High, which is my Usual, and more MY 'Normal', but the Lows do Suck and I'm glad my Mixed Episodes are few usually.  When you have a Manic High AND you're ADHD, you just get a lot done and can or will tackle anything, no matter how daunting, so, it has it's Benefits.  I've yet to find a Positive Benefit to the Manic Low tho', unless it would be to tackle ANYONE that might be Fool enuf to Cross you during one and start something. 

 That would definitely be a Benefit then coz you won't have ANY shits to give.  They will quickly find that out, Win, Lose or Draw... so the less Foolish won't even Go There when you're Bottoming Out like that, wouldn't be a Wise Move.  And a Manic Low is usually quite obvious, even to a casual uninformed Observer, if they're paying any attention at all.  Even if your Wardrobe communicates loudly, I have no Shits to Give, and they Miss that Part.  *Smiles*

So, for example, if you see me I'm wearing my Space Cats Jammie Pants and a Grateful Dead T-Shirt out in The Wild, probably NOT having a Good Day or my Best Day Ever.  You could still approach me with the Right Attitude, but with more Caution and Hesitation than usual.  Thus why I say people generally just Smile and leave you Alone or don't make any Eye Contact at all.  It's an excellent way really to become Publicly Imagined Invisible.  *Bwahahahaha*   This Morning The Young Prince is on a Dual Day Bender of not Feeling Well.  He's been throwing up and I asked if it's his Brown Recluse Bite, he doesn't think so, he thinks that's draining well and Healing okay.  

He isn't sure if it's a Mental Episode or he caught something going around and it's Physical Illness?   So he's staying in Bed mostly and away from Peopling, just in case he has something going around any of the rest of us could catch?  Especially Grandpa, everyone is trying to not give him any contagions in his weakened condition.  The Two that Work don't wanna catch anything either and risk missing Work and calling in Sick.  But when you have a Three Generation Family Sharing Space, chances are, someone could be Sick with something you'll catch, at any given time, especially during Seasons when there's lots going around. 

 We're not as Socially Isolated as a lot of Seniors tend to be, with having Two Younger Generations around us 24-7 and 365, with their various Social Contacts as well.  I have to ask "Safeway Pharmacy" if The Man and I are up to date on all our Vaccines, I think we are???  I do hazily recall we were in there this Winter getting all Vaxxed up, and they gave us a Discount Coupon from the Pharmacy to use for Buying our Groceries???  They give you $20 Off your Grocery Purchase and take all Insurances, and it's no Co-Pay for us.  Also, no waits and a nice little Private Waiting Room tucked away with no Sick folk in it.

I appreciate how many weighed in while I was having my Fridge Fiasco Meltdown and were as Happy and Relieved as me that it had a Happy Ending and Positive Outcome.  The fact it was completely Avoidable had a Sales Team and the original Delivery Team known more about their Product and conveyed important crucial information to the Consumer to avoid the problem in the first place, was something the 2nd Delivery Guy and I discussed in detail with each other. 

  He agreed and lamented that IF people knew their jobs and the Products they're either hawking or delivering, so much of the Customer confusion and irritants could be completely avoided, to everyone's benefit and satisfaction.  I mean, how hard would it have been, while either Buying it, or having it Delivered, for both the Salesfloor folks and/or the Delivery folks, to go over some basic functions with the Consumer of an expensive Product that's New to them?  This is where the Control Panels are located, just press this to Activate it, would have been Nice and so fucking Helpful! 

 

Sometimes I get the impression that either most Employees they just don't Care... or... they don't have the Skills necessary to know their Job and it's Product or function and the Company doesn't adequately ensure the Training to provide it... or they make assumptions that you already are All Knowing about every Device on the Market now being hawked and constantly changed?  The "Smart" Features are usually crap and not all that well made or "Smart" actually, coz they malfunction a lot and it's intentional obsolescence. 

 I'd prefer less Technology on an item and more length of Service of it, especially if I've invested a lot in purchasing it.  I'll opt for less Gadgets on anything every time coz I'm not particularly up to speed on all new Technology and I don't like a lot of it, keep it Simple is more my Mantra.   I'm Tech Challenged and if it's needing Specialized Training and Knowledge I don't already have, in order to own, work or use it, then it's just not for me.

This past Mother's Day I had to be Mindful not to be Careless and/or Tone Deaf to those we know who just Lost their Mom or a Child.  Since, it would be a particularly difficult one for them and I know this in advance.  Just like I rarely, if ever, Celebrated the Day anyway while being a Custodial Grandparents to The G-Kid Force, whose absence of either Parent Raising them made it a Hard Day for them to move thru on a Mother's Day or a Father's Day, that would rather be avoided and is not the same as when you have a Mom or a Dad.  If someone Loses a Loved One too, that the Day would require for you to have one for, it's difficult to tolerate the day without being Emotionally Raw or just ignoring the day entirely to not be a Trigger.  Sometimes people just don't Think and it's not Intentional.  

They may have the knowledge of a Loss... or mebbe they don't.  Mebbe the Loss was Fresh... or mebbe a long time ago, but the Holiday is just a Trigger and always will be hard?  I don't Like Mother's Day anymore becoz my Mom is departed.  I can't even Imagine Losing a Child.   And some of those I Care about have to still try really hard to make the Day Special even if moving thru it themselves is difficult.   Coz tho' they may have just Lost Mom or a Child, they still have their own Children who want it to be a Special Day to Celebrate with them, or other Children who want to Celebrate them despite the profound Loss of a Sibling.

  For those Moms who never got to Raise their Children or had to give them up for Adoption, that too can be a Triggering Day for them always.  So many people I know almost Wish it were not a Celebrated Holiday at all and just done away with coz it's too Painful for them, either now, or it always was.  I have mixed Emotions... I enjoyed the Holiday when it was worth Celebrating for me... but I'm okay not Celebrating it now or ever again.

I refrain from Wishing a "Happy" Mother's Day to anyone Publicly, especially Strangers, I don't know their Back Story, some folks have been Childless and not by Choice, how would I know?  Who knows if someone has their Mom... or their Child... if we don't know them well enuf to have that intimate knowledge.   And Father's Day, forget about it.   I learned beaucoup Years ago how many folks don't have a Dad... and even if they certainly had someone who Fathered them, that Male wasn't always or perhaps ever present even if he's still among the Living and never Earned being called "Dad". 

 Anyone can Father a Child, not everyone is Dad Material and committed to Fatherhood as they should be.  Fewer Single Parent Dads exist, but they are out there too.  As are the many Custodial Grandparents Raising Grandkids now.  Or other extended Family Raising Children.  Anyway, glad that Mother's Day is officially over... I'd rather ignore it. 

The Son said that tho' he likes Celebrating Father's Day for The Man, having the perspective of Raising or helping to Raise other Men's Children himself, but having no Biological Children of his own, it was always an awkward day when he was in a Relationship where his Significant Other had Kids who had Deadbeat Dads.  He didn't expect to be Celebrated, but didn't know what Triggers the day might hold for the Children?   He was only Three when I met and Married The Man, so tho' he doesn't know his Biological Father, The Man has always been Dad, so it was never a Triggering Day for him personally.

  The Daughter spent Seven Years having Father's Day be difficult and avoidable when I was a Single Parent and had her before I was ever Married.   And he and I weren't together anymore even before she was Born and he had zero interest in Relationship with her or I, so be it.  She used to call my Dad, her Dad, and Gran-Dad never minded that and chastised a Day Care Worker once when the Woman ignorantly and perhaps well intentionally, tried to tell my Four Year Old, that he was her Grandpa, not her Dad. 

 I guess the Woman feared it looked like and implied Incest, I dunno?   But it was just that almost everyone else had a Daddy and she didn't, so she just started calling Gran-Dad, Dad, and we let her and didn't correct her, coz my Dad was standing in The Gap until he didn't Need to anymore, to be that Positive Male Role Model every Child should have.  He was Raised without his Father, so he had a Point of reference, being Raised by a very Young Divorced, then very Young Widowed, Mother.   

And my Parents were the Type who would have all kinds of Kiddos "Adopt" them as Surrogate Parents or Grandparents and let anyone that Needed or Wanted to, call them Mom, Dad, Nanna, Gran-Dad if they just started doing so.  People never really knew how many Kids or Grandkids, Nieces and Nephews, my Parents actually had!?  *LOL*  I'm the same, I have so many Non-Biological "Adoptees" who I'm Surrogate Mom or Gramma or Aunty Dawn to, and they ARE like Family to us now. 

 Sometimes they're closer to us than many Biological Kinfolk are to each other.   So, hardly anyone knows whose Biologically connected or not in our "Family"... and that's Okay... and we don't differentiate and never will, it's just not necessary to.   People often say you can't Choose who your Family are, but, you kinda CAN Choose Who to BE "Family" with.  Above is our Oldest Daughter when she was a Tween.   Two of her Five Grandkids look so much like she did as a Child and have the very Dark Eyes and Dark Hair.  The other Three are Blondes like their Grandpa, our SIL.

Above is The Daughter as a Teen, the Year she had The Young Prince, whose her Oldest of her Five Kiddos.  Mother's Day is always hard for her and for all her Kiddos.   I did check-in with everyone I Care about who I knew had experienced Loss and see how they held up for Mother's Day.   Most did Okay, or as well as can be expected, for as hard as I knew it just would be.  Grief has no Timeline, it takes as long as you Need for it to move thru various Stages of and try really hard to Recover from any Profound Loss.  It will be different for everyone, there's no Right way or Wrong way to Grieve.

The Son's Court Date couldn't have gone better, since he has a Free Phone that doesn't do well with Zoom Check-In, he Opted to go before the Judge again in Person.  Which was fortuitous coz every single Defendant had E-Mailed all their required Documents, including him, but never gotten confirmation, the System of the Courts must be either not functioning at all or so backlogged they aren't updating anything in time for anyone's Hearings!!!   So, Lucky for him he had all his with him to show her he was in compliance, as she'd asked, he provided everything required to show Three Years of Driving Record.  

He'd done all the requirements except the Interlock Ignition Device, since, you have to own an operational Vehicle to do that and he hasn't had one in a long time now.  He's been using either Public Transit, Friends, Co-Workers, Family for Transportation, or just Walking or using a 10-Speed Bike until he can afford a reliable Vehicle.  Then he will be required the One Year of having that put on, so she Closed the Case.  He doesn't intend to do any Driving until he can pay for a Used Car and put that Device on, and have regular paychecks to provide Insurance and Maintenance on that Device that is required... all an expense he can't bankroll right now.  All his Fines, Classes are Paid and Completed.

He was the only one she had who wasn't making a Host of Excuses, or in non-compliance for invalid reasons, so he was the only one she Closed the Case of.  He didn't expect any Excuses would Fly, so he never gives any.  The Judges tend to Like that, when you take it all Seriously and do what you're supposed to do without Excuses galore as to why you didn't or couldn't.  Everyone has their Hard Luck Stories and I'm sure they've heard them all.   They're not Social Workers, and Traffic Violations are all about the Money Maker they tend to be, and so if you've Paid for everything, and shown Good Faith, that's the City's Priority, and they will put it into Collections if left Unpaid and add more to it.

 

He gives me Gas Money and doesn't usually need many Rides.  So it's worked for us when he hasn't had his own Transportation or the Income to have Car Payments or pay Cash for something Used and unreliable or needing too much Work, which can be a Money Pit.    Those Electric Scooters for Adults, that look like a Kid's Scooter {See Below}, are fast and affordable, I see a lot of Youngsters using those instead of having Car Maintenance and Gas expenses.  They're only about $400-$500-$600, depending on Model, some are All Terrain.   Most go 20-28 mph with a 30-35 Mile Range on a Charge... the higher end Models have a Premium Battery and All Terrain Tires and Rear Motor rather than Front Hub Motor.

And, while I was at Court with him I got an Emergency Phone Call from my Younger Brother in Cali, who just had his Surgery to replace his Morphine Pump.  He was High Risk for the Surgery, but the Pump needed replacement, his Heart previously had only been at 50% function so they don't like even Elective Surgery.  But, he doesn't mind Crossing Over during a Surgical Procedure, seems a Peaceful way to go when you're Diagnosed as Terminal anyway and just haven't Died yet and outlived all your previous Expiration Dates.  So, the Surgery went well, some complications he Survived... but now his Heart is only at 20% function now... which means he's fucked per his Cardiologist and Heart Surgeon.  They just said to Live every day as if it's his Last, coz, it could be. 

   

They cannot give him an exact estimate of when it will give out, could be immediate... or not, at 20% it's gonna happen soon, probably in his Sleep, so, he just wanted me to know.  He'd sent me some Pixs he'd taken at the most recent Ren Faire and they were excellent, I'll Share some in another Blog Post.  But he said for Sure it's the last Gig he'll be covering coz he almost couldn't cover that one, too Weak now, hard to catch his Breath now.  He said Marcie, his long time Girlfriend, they've been together over 30 Years, isn't taking this well.  She's a lot Older than him so said she expects to Go First.  He told her he has no Control over when God says so, that it's Time.  I guess I took it better than she did.  He has been Diagnosed Terminal since he was 30, he's 66 now... he surpassed many an Expiration Date given him.

 

*******

I told him what I always tell him when he's been given yet another grim Prognosis, You're Not Dead 'Til God Says So... Love ya Lil Bro', Keep Hanging Tough... Dawn... The Bohemian