Conjuring Joy ~vs~ Holiday Blues

Today would have been my Dad's Birthday, having a Loved one Die at the Holidays can always create Future Holiday Blues and you have to attempt to conjure Joy.   I always give everyone a break at the Holidays coz it can be too much Sensory and Stimulus Overload for those in the Family who have Mental Health Issues even if everything goes well.  And, I've never been one to put pressure on myself to have the 'Perfect' Holiday, I think that detracts from having the best one that may still have imperfections, but, will be rich with fond Memories despite what isn't ideal or living up to unrealistic expectations someone might have.

 

I stayed in my Jammies for a couple Days while the Granddaughter has her Days Off.   I changed Jammies, but never got Dressed and didn't want to either.   But, I did get Dressed this Morning.  *LOL*  The Young Prince and I did a lot of Organization and Purging of what The Man had stashed away that nobody knew about.  My Mom did that too when she got Dementia and it's a common thing for those with Dementia to Hide things.  Forgetting where they placed items, Paranoia that someone will take it, hiding what they don't want to have to do, deal with, or take, and having Hoarded Caches of things nobody knows about. 

The VA Nurse had suggested we go thru everything of his for Safety sake and I'm glad that we did.  We respectfully told him what we were doing and got him on Board, explaining the Safety factor, and he obliged.  *Whew*  It can be very Emotional and overwhelming for us and for him.  We don't escalate his agitation or make him feel defensive. You want to be able to have unconditional Trust and preserve dignity and Trust, but when someone Mentally is very deteriorated and unwell, you have to insist on doing unpopular things FOR their sake. 

 The Young Prince did Cry, he hasn't seen the gradual decline of Grandpa while away, so, it hits him hard how much worse things have gotten.  He's really glad I'm now getting some Help from the VA Services.   He said he'd be overwhelmed, so he can only imagine how overwhelming it has been for me doing so much of it by myself for so long and being mostly responsible for his Care and Well Being, while he often is contrary, unlovely and uncooperative.   Now I have the Present Help of Adult Kids and Adult Grandkids so we share in his Care and what's happening with him that needs to be addressed.

  I went thru a lot of this with my Mom when she got Dementia, so, it's not my 1st Rodeo, I had to be the "Villain".  She'd Hoard her Meds and Hide them, not take them or forget to, pretend to take them.  It was a constant Battle.  It's gotten that way with The Man too, especially in regards to his Meds, and if you don't watch him every Second, he's prone to just doing things Secretly and with nobody's knowledge.   And no matter how well you Secure things, he's quite resourceful, as an Old Special Ops Soldier, in finding a way around any Safeguards in place. 

 Scolding is less helpful than just having more candid conversations and trying to get him to be most cooperative and on Board with any new regimen we have to implement as his condition progresses and worsens.  Mom would Hoard Food until it spoiled, so we'd have to throw it out without her knowing and just either replace it with something Fresh, or Hope she didn't notice it was now gone and disposed of.  Often if it's out of Sight, it's out of Mind.  He Luckily is only Hoarding hidden Salt, and Snacks that are non-perishables, but he shouldn't have too much of, and Hiding it from us.  But the Med Hoarding had been happening with nobody's knowledge for some time!  Coz the VA sends it by Mail and apparently he was receiving it and immediately hiding it and now we have to ensure he doesn't get the Mail without Supervision!!!  *Le Sigh*

We think we've found all the Meds he didn't take and hid away, Lord have Mercy he was so creative in where he hid shit!!!  As bad as any Addict or Alcoholic hiding what they are taking... only he was hiding his so he didn't have to take it and pretended he had been.  Or saying he never got it and so the VA would send it out again and he'd hide it again!  Oy Vey!  Now we administer everything and have to Watch him like fucking Hawks.  But we weren't aware that even before we knew he was slipping, he had been doing things like this covertly and completely without our knowledge or detection!!!   And he doesn't like anyone in his stuff so we'd respected that... now we just can't anymore, he's been too untrustworthy and doing Weird Dementia related Hoarding of things that can be Unsafe.

 Some of his Docs had been suspicious, but they hadn't told me anything about him having onset of Dementia, that is something I detected on my own by the Behaviors mirroring what I had experienced with my Mom.  Mom didn't have TBI like he does, and Dementia has similarities, but also differences that become quite apparent and distinctive.   And once you're in the Land Of Dementia it's quite the Wild Ride of Caregiving vigilance that is necessary!!!  It does take a Whole Village!!!   So far he's not Wandering out the Door Naked, but I've had Dear Friends whose Loved Ones did eventually get to that point!  We had to take Mom's Scooter away from her coz she was running it into People and Things!!! 

His Docs and Nurses still tell us he doesn't have it really bad, but, I beg to differ.  Living with him daily, I think it is progressing at an alarming rate and I notice, so do the Kids.  If this isn't bad in the opinion of Medical Professionals, I wonder at what point they determine it IS BAD?   It's no good them telling me everything is Fine when it's not Fine at Home and it becomes more challenging for us to provide adequate Care.  The Grandson is very worried about the level of Care necessary now for his Grandpa and how adept he is at hiding things from us.  He found way too many Hoarded Meds we knew nothing about, some going back to 2012!!!  Hidden so well Blackbeard or the Lost Dutchman would have been Proud, that shit could have remained Unfound Forever and been the stuff of Folklore!   I Kid you NOT!!!  I had an Anxiety Attack!

  We'll just HAVE to find a way to continue Care and having him remain at Home, but, I find I'm Googling a LOT Online to know what I'm Dealing with and how best to Deal with it?  Anyway, we got everything sorted out for him and think we found everything he'd hidden from us.  The Grandson was very thorough and thought of places I wouldn't have thought of to look.  He uncovered stuff I'd missed.  He promised to help me continue to keep on top of finding Caches Grandpa squirrels away without anyone's knowledge.  Telling him not to do it doesn't Work.

The VA Nurse comes Today, my Hope is his Blood Pressure is down and better than it has been?   I think part of his problems is Med avoidance, not just forgetting he must take them in front of Family.  Now we're administering them like they do in a Psyche Ward coz we can't Trust him to take them willingly or handle anything himself.  He's not exactly happy about it, he wants to still do everything himself and resists you doing for him what he wants to still do and have control over.  But, he's shown us he now can't.

On some levels I can relate, if the Kids had to take over everything and treat me like a Child I'd be unhappy about it, I'm a Control Freak.  The loss of controlling your own Life is the hard part of getting too Old you can't take Care of yourself and need more Help.  And when the tipping point comes to where you need Help with it all, it's humbling and a bit humiliating to relinquish control entirely and be forced into decisions not your own.  It will come at some point.  I Hope to be gracious enuf to relinquish control?

It's not even 50 Degrees Outside this Morning, Brrrrr!  I don't know how I finished out this last Pay Period, it wasn't looking promising again.  If we're not making Money during the busiest Season of the Year, then it doesn't portend well for 2026 at all.   There's always been ups and downs, but nothing like this ever in the 13 Years I've been there and most especially not at the Holidays when usually we're making good Money!  The Economy is crashing and I do fear it will worsen, and I'm not being so much pessimistic as realistic from indicators I see heading our way.  I'd like to be Wrong, I don't think I will be.

Usually I can count on making good Money during the Holidays from my Spaces.   This Year even our Irrigation is wanting Payment early, in December!!!   I think they want to ensure people can and will pay rather than Opting Out of Irrigating.  We don't pay for the Water, but we do pay a little over $200 for the Annual distribution of it from SRP for Agricultural Properties and maintenance of the Main Canals.  We maintain our own Canals on our Properties that are smaller than the Main Canals thruout the City.   But, paying that in December, AT the Holidays, makes for a tighter Christmas than we're already experiencing Economically.  *Le Sigh*

I may have to transfer funds out of Emergency Savings to get thru this Holiday Season.  Usually I keep building Emergency Savings for Tax Time, since, ever since Donnie Two Dolls had his 1st run, our Taxes have been higher and we've Owed the IRS.  We used to get Refunds and it's not like our Income increased, and we still have Dependents, even tho' we're Seniors on Pension/Social Security.   So I don't know what other Seniors in typical circumstances of not still having Dependents to Claim that you fully Support are Owing at Tax Time?   The Son said his Refund Checks are smaller and smaller every Year now even tho' Earnings aren't increasing either.  Now he's been Laid Off part of the Year he will rely on a Refund more.

The Niece in Oklahoma, whose a Computer Programmer, has been Laid Off since August and still has zero Job prospects.  She said AI is replacing a lot of White Collar Jobs now already.  She called me to say she's being Evicted, has been Supporting herself only on Wins by playing Poker at the Casinos and Unemployment, which is running out soon.  So she will have to move back in with her Dad to Share expenses.  At some point Unemployment runs out.  Usually around 26 Weeks in Arizona and Oklahoma.  They haven't always gotten along coz he has significant Issues of Mental Health and Alcoholism, so, I don't know how that will play out for her?  But, she has no choice unless she wants to Live in her Car!!!

So we talked on the Phone extensively coz I'm like a Surrogate Mom to her, since her Mom passed away several Years ago from Cancer.  Her Mom was one of my BFF's, so their Family were like "Family" to us.  There's no Biological Connection, but, I'm still considered Aunty to my Friend's Three Adult Daughters and I'm closest to this Oldest one, always have been.   Never liked their Dad, he's had Issues for a long time and eventually my Friend did Divorce him, she'd been thru much more than I ever knew, so had the Kids.  You never truly know what goes on behind Closed Doors of other folk's Homes and Life.

The Son's Girlfriend still hasn't found another Job either after being Laid Off from her long time Employment, and several of his Friends have recently been Laid Off in The Trades as well.  It's looking dire for a lot of their Generation of Kiddos around the Age of 40.   The Daughter and Mando spent all day Yesterday doing some Work with TJ, our Neighbor.  His Older Brother Rob was supposed to have some side Work lined up for he and The Son, but that apparently fell thru, so, The Son was ready to go that Morning to do it, but Rob never showed up or explained what happened.  

We've been Recycling Aluminum regularly, there's a lot of it out there to pick up from the Environmentally unconscious that discard it.   But, that's not enuf of a Side Hustle to consistently supplement a Retirement Income and with Inflation running so high now.   I think America may whiz right past a Recession into a Depression frankly, which has never happened in my Lifetime, but, my Parent's Generation lived thru as Children. {1929-1941}.    I remember my Dad saying many Indigenous Children at the time Died of Starvation, he had a Brother that did, and an Infant Brother that also didn't Survive the Era it fell in.  My Mom's Family was on strict Rations so had malnutrition as well and serious Diseases that killed ran rampant.  She Survived some of those Epidemics, some of her Friends didn't.

Mom Survived Diphtheria, Rheumatic Fever, and had a Younger Sister that got and Survived Polio.   Dad was Lucky, he was never Sickly in his Life until the very end of it, and only ever missed a Single Day of Work in 27 Years in the Military, not due to illness, but due to Broken Ribs.  He got patched up and went back to Work the next day.  He worked Civilian Jobs after his Military Retirement until he was Old enuf to Collect Social Security and by then he had Cancer, Survived it, had Emphysema, Survived it.  And at 74 finally couldn't go on anymore and went rather quickly to the Afterlife, on his own Terms and without a Fight, he was ready and told me it was a good day to Die, and that was it for him.  I think his Body just finally gave out, but his Mind was still Sharp as a Tack.  With Mom the Mind went and Dementia killed her, other Bodily illness never could.

Now that The Grandson explained to me how LMD works, I understand that once Linear Memory Degeneration goes back far enuf, it's like you revert to before Birth and so everything then shuts down.  It's not a technical Medical Term, but it makes perfect sense to me, it's a slower decline than say, Alzheimer's, and is a normal part of Aging.  I think it's what the Old Folks used to refer to as simply Dying Of Old Age.  At some point of Aging, when someone succumbs, let's face it, why would you even ask what they Died of, coz, basically, it's Old Age!!!  

 A Friend's Mother who was over 90 Died and people were asking her "From What?", like that was a legitimate Question other than, well, fuck, she was over 90!!!  Duh!!!   She Died of Old Age, a perfectly Natural Death IMO that HAS to fucking happen at some point!!!!!!!!   And now, on to the very Young... Above is one of the Great-Grandsons, who is the Oldest Child of our Middle Granddaughter back East.   Looks like he's going to Pre-School.   That Granddaughter is a Single Parent now and has a demanding Career... I remember how hard that was for the 7 Years I was a Single Parent and held down a demanding Corporate Life, plus helped my ailing aging Parents out.  The Man came along right on time!  *Smiles and Whew*

He's always been an Adrenalin Junkie and liked Danger, and boy did this Family give him some Adrenalin Rushes and Hazards he never could have anticipated over the many Years!  *Bwahahahaha*  This wasn't your Garden Variety Family he inherited.  But, he's a very Brave Man and was already a highly Decorated War Hero, so, I guess he felt he was up to the Challenge?!   He often tells me War was easier, which, may or may not be dark humor sarcasm and hyperbole?   *Smiles & Winks*  Anyway, I'm just glad all the Kiddos living with us are tight knit and we all have each other's Backs, becoz Family is Everything, I can rely on them and am Thankful for them all this Thanksgiving and always.

I couldn't watch the annual White House Turkey Pardons coz Donnie Two Dolls was just spewing too much Bullshit and Hateful Vitriol, as usual.  He's so detached from Reality of the American People that he has no Point of Reference and lives in a Fantasy of his own making.  I don't think he can speak Truth, it's too foreign to him becoz he's a habitual Liar and looks at everything and everyone from a Career Criminal's Mindset.  "tRump doesn't have a decent Cell in his Body...", and that's Words coming from fellow Perv & Pedo, and his Bestie, Jeffrey Epstein via a recently E-Mail released!!!  Just Wow, when even fellow Scum have that to say about you!!!  So, I don't wanna hear anything he has to say and he just makes me wanna retch whenever I even see him, he disgusts me that much.   Well, ALL Sex Offenders do, and that's just one of his numerous serious Felony Crimes, being a fucking Sexual Perv and Pedo.  It's embarrassing that's America's chosen Leader!!!

I'm making Chili for Today and have it simmering in the Crockpot, I'm using Ground Goat Meat this time.  The Ham's already almost completely gone and devoured.  *LOL*  The Daughter really made it look like a Work of Culinary Art and I was very Proud of her.   It's still only 50 Degrees Outside and it's past 10:00 a.m. so Chili just seemed appropriate... and will feed a crowd cheaply.  It has Fire Roasted Tomatoes, Hatch Green Chilis, about Six kinds of Beans, Spices, Fire Roasted Corn, Corn Starch, Vegetable Broth, Garlic Tomato Sauce, and a Medium Heat Chili Starter that I get from "Sprouts".  It's a hearty one.  We'll have various Shredded Mexican Cheeses, Fresh Cilantro, plus Green & White Onions for Garnish.  Nom-Nom.

The Daughter and Mando are gonna finish up the Job they started Yesterday with TJ, so they should get Paid Today for it.   I owed again at the Antique Mall, the 4th time in a row!!!  That has never happened, in the 13 YEARS I've been there I only ever owed Twice before, minuscule amounts... this is the 4th Payday of Loss in a ROW and I'm not the only Vendor taking hits like that!!!   Sales are absolutely abysmal at a time when we should be doing the best Sales of the Year, it's really alarming!!!  It portends dire things to come in 2026.  And at this rate, if there's any more Losses, even if they're small ones, if I'm not making Money I'll have no choice but to close it all down if we don't see improvement of some kind and start making Money again!!!  I could probably make more of a Profit doing Yard Sales with how poorly the Antique Mall is performing now.  No Loss or Overhead at a Yard Sale, only Profits.

It's a financial drain if you take any Loss, even if it's not a big one, it's still an unexpected expense you don't normally have.   It's frustrating and I don't know if it will turn around between now and Christmas enuf to make us feel Guardedly Optimistic for 2026?  Vendors are all grumbling, but so are Brick & Mortar Shop Owners of all kinds that I know, and Restaurants, they're all suffering right now.  The Son said Industrial and The Trades right now are Laying Off Workers.  Phoenix Metro allowed AMAZON to build many of those hideous 800,000 sf monstrosities they operate out of and they're Laying Off Workers in droves too, a Record number of Layoffs at AMAZON in fact!  

Usually at the Holidays they're Hiring Seasonal Help, not Laying folks Off.   Even APPLE is Laying Off Sales Staff now!  But Leaked AI Plans are making it evident this is gonna happen all the more now.   DES is Dealing with Issues regarding Unemployment Aid.  Only just over 700 New Jobs per Month are reported, compared to over 5,300 per Month between 2022-2024!!!   And the Number of Ghost Job Postings is problematic too as Companies are putting non-existent Openings up to appear they're in better shape than they actually are, so their Investors won't bail on them or they can Sell the Company easier to a Buyer.  The State has fallen way behind in processing Unemployment Payments due to the Government Shutdown and Federal Layoffs too gutting Agencies that assist or protect the Public.  This is all NOT Good.

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Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving anyway my Friends... and be Thankful of what we still have left of our Democracy... Dawn... The Bohemian