Manic Blogging ~ Bipolar Benders & Overachieving

 I went from a Bipolar Depression to a Manic High, I have mixed Episodes like that, often dovetailing one extreme to the other, se la vie.  So, I've been Manic Blogging and since I've shortened Posts, now I'm up to 10 Unpublished ones in the Queue!  Yeah, well, I'm an overachiever too, what can I say?  *Winks*  Funny how a Caramel Macchiato from McDonalds regulated my Mood like a Good Medicine, best Four Bucks the Kids ever spent on me they said.  *Bwahahaha*  They also bought me some large Fries there as comfort Food and coz the Golden Arches Fries are really the only excuse for 'Food' there that I actually like. 

 I ate mebbe 1/4 of them, feeling satiated, coz Yesterday was Ozempic Day, so, no Appetite for a couple Days afterwards.  Gave the rest to The Man, he devoured them along with the Double Cheeseburger they got for him.  He actually thinks McDonalds sells Real Food!  Whatever... he grew up quite differently than me and his Family weren't Ethnic Cuisine experiencers and therefore enjoy bland un-spiced Foods... Gak!!!  So, Regulated by my McD's Coffee, which I'll have to make a Mental Note to Self, next time you Bottom Out on a Bipolar Bender, just have a Golden Arches Iced Caramel Macchiato, who knows what Ronald McDonald is putting in it, but, hey, it works, whatever it is, so it's a Bargain Mood Regulator when you're spiraling Downwards like a Plane Crash going down like a Dart!?  *Smiles* 

I don't even now feel the Need to Vent or go on a Rant in this Post... Surprise!  *Bwahahaha*  Mebbe just a little.  Coz it's not that there's no Trouble in Paradise, but I'm Coping slightly better now... well, sorta... Okay, so I'm NOT, but I Feel like I can give the Pretense and Illusion that I am again, so, it's all Good.  *Winks*  I'm off The Ledge and that's what matters, I didn't Jump and got Talked Down successfully.  The Man is beginning to balk about his Cardiac Rehab tho', Splendid!  I told him it's Mandatory, not Optional, he's going.  And he has to behave and do the Work, without being difficult or unlovely while he's there.  I don't want him getting 86ed out of Cardiac Rehab!  

 We have the Intake for it already Calendared and Scheduled, or whatever they call it, Registration mebbe?  Intake sounds like what they do in Prison, Jail and Psyche Lockdowns.  *Bwahahaha*  Okay, so let's call it Registration then, shall we?  *Winks*  He just wasn't Happy it means that in order to have it Approved and Billed for Insurance, all his Home Help has to be Closed Out, including his Beloved VA Nurse Remi.  He'd rather keep Nurse Remi and forego Cardiac Rehab.  Too bad both cannot be Approved at the same time tho' I know not Why coz the VA is Funding Nurse Remi, or so I was informed???

Cardiac Rehab is Funded by both HUMANA Medicare Advantage, his Primary, and TriCare for Life, his Secondary Insurer... so I don't know why they should even Care what the VA is Paying for and Approved at the same time for a 100% Disabled Veteran who Qualified for it?!  But, Bureaucrazy is just that... Crazy... and unfathomable, and its not a Battle I'm willing to Die on a Hill for right now.  I got too many other Fights to Win and Systems to Resist and then Conquer.  I am part of the Resistance making Good Trouble all the time, it's sometimes my Super Power, or so I'm told.   I'm an Aging Super Hero tho' and right now don't feel like I'm making the headway necessary to get the Services, Benefits, and Coverage all the Loved Ones require and desperately Need.  But, whaddya gonna do?   I can't even find my Cape sometimes!  *Winks*

They're doing major Construction on the Main Road in front of our Homes and Subdivision, on both sides of our Community, the only Two Roads we can Exit our Community from.  So, that is not only challenging now to get in and out of our Community with the Construction and how many Lanes they've blocked off, causing super heavy traffic congestion, but, becoz we have the largest Shade Trees on our Street, they park the Big Rigs now under them on the Sidewalk area in front of our Property!  That obstructs my view to back out of our Driveway and makes a tight fit to maneuver out or in too.  There is a low retaining Noise Barrier Block Wall between our Access Road and the Main Road that run parallel to one another.  So between that Wall and their Rig, it's barely enuf for my Truck to fit thru, it's tight!  I'm a pretty good Driver and experienced, but I'm getting Older, so it makes me nervous to not have clear views or tight squeezes in my Truck, which is a New one, I don't want any damage to it.  Or get hit by someone coming down the Access Road I can't see coz the Rigs obstruct my View of the Street.

I've had to ask them to move their Rig some a couple times now coz they literally didn't give me enuf space to back out safely and were hanging a bit over my Driveway with the Trailer part of the Rig holding enormous Spools of Orange Wiring that are as tall as our House!  Luckily the height of their load didn't damage our Trees, but a couple of smaller Pine Boughs did get broken off by the clearance being questionable!  Our Trees are over 45 Years Old so they're quite Tall, and throw a LOT of Shade, which is why they Park under them, to Shade their Cab area they sit in and also Shade them while they Work around their Rigs or stand around talking to one another, take Breaks, etcetera.  So, I don't wanna be an Ass about it, since it is 114-116 every day now and they're Working in that Heat.  My Son has Worked in The Trades, it's tough physical Work.  I want to be both compassionate and reasonable.  So far they do move their Rigs if I ask them to so I can safely get in and out of my Property.  So, they've been Nice pleasant Workers.

All of the Workers have been Younger Hispanic Men and when they see Princess T, they're SUPER Nice then.  *Bwahahahaha*  And she'll Joke with me, well, THAT one was Cute Gramma.  *Ha ha ha*  Young Men like to Show Off when they see a Cute Young Woman, so it is humorous to watch how much the Workers fawn over ME too, just coz I got a Cute Granddaughter.  And an Attractive Daughter too who can speak to them in Spanish fluently.  *Winks*  If you recall, when we required the dead blighted enormous Pine Tree removed a couple Years ago, I got a $2,800 Job knocked down to $800 and that Tree cut down and removed in 40 Minutes, to Show Off, coz my Cute Hispanic Granddaughter was watching them "perform", for what to them was an "Audience of One"!  *Smiles*

Batting her false Eyelashes demurely, looking Hawt in the Cutest and Sexiest Head Turning Ensemble, and Smiling Sweetly.  *Winks and Laughs*  Our Neighbors next door were having a small dead blighted Mulberry Tree removed at the same time, Paid MUCH more and it took their Guys TWO DAYS to do the Job... coz, they didn't have a Cute Girl watching for their Crew to Show Off for.  *LMAOROTF*  Both Rob and TJ said they should have "Borrowed" Princess T, coz they couldn't Believe how cheaply I had that enormous 60 foot Pine removed and how fast those Young Men took it down... for her benefit!!!   *Bwahahaha*   Below is one of her Older Sisters in Mexico.

On the way to Work this Morning she showed me some Killer COACH Boots she got marked down significantly at the GOODWILL coz she was schmoozing with the Cute Gay Male Cashier.  She knew he was Gay, and he was Cute, not Fabulously so like her Brother, but obviously so.  And she knows how she talks with her Brother about Fashion and Brands, Makeup and Style, so they got to talking like THAT and joking with each other about the Boots.  Since they are high risk Inventory they only had the One on the Floor and the other held in the Back as Loss Prevention Measures, it had been marked $19.99 {they're Hundreds Retail}.  He was joking, "Girrrl, Hell, I Love these Boots, I don't even know if I'll be about to Find that other one?!"  And Winks and Laughs.  She was like, "Girrrrl, you better, coz I'm gonna look Fierce in these Boots too!"  *LOL*  Her Boyfriend Rusty was with her, he's seen her Work her Hustle before and schmooze for Favor, they were in a Scottsdale Chazza location too, very Uppity Demographic of Shoppers.  *Ha ha ha*

So, she said she could tell this Cashier probably Deals with Customers who are Pretentious, entitled, demanding and can be difficult.  They don't Nickname it "Snottsdale" for nothing.  *Ha ha ha*  But, she'd been talking Style, Fashion, Brands, with this Gay Cashier and developing a rapport, next thing he comes back with the Pair of the Boots and now it's only Marked $9.99 and he says, "Oooops!" and Winks.  She made a small "Donation" of Five Bucks, so he wouldn't get in Trouble for whatever had gone on in the Back to grant her some Favor and a Hood Hookup.  She can look Fancy and Top Shelf, but treats folk like us Gals from the Westside do, and how I Raised her to Treat everyone, with Respect and no Pretentious Bullshit or feelings of Arrogant Entitlement, no matter how Hawt and High End she looks.  *Smiles*  

 And she Winks back at him as they're leaving the Store, he's her new Best Friend now and she said Scottsdale has the High End Donations.  So she's gonna make Rusty and I take her back next time she goes Wardrobe Shopping.  *LMAOROTF*  We don't get out to Scottsdale much and they only have Four Locations of GOODWILL in the Uppity Affluent Area there, but their Donations are sometimes Primo and worth the Pilgrimage drive.  And once you know the Staff at any place we Shop at regularly and Befriend them, and they genuinely LIKE us, we always get those First Cousin Deals and Hood Hookups.  You Treat folks Right and they Treat you Right in return, it's reciprocity at it's Best.  It's sadly lacking in Today's Society where folks tend to treat who they consider "The Help" and "Service Job Employees" like underlings or like shit.  There's no good reason for doing that, people are people.  We Treat a Homeless Person with the same Respect, Compassion and Dignity that every Human Being Deserves.  People generally respond favorably to that.

LATER: I did go to this Month's Event at "Sweet Salvage", Princess T insisted.  She said I not only Need a "Me Day", I probably Need a "Me Month".  *LOL she could be Right!*   My Doc's Office was blowing up my Phone again, while I was there, and it turns out, my Mammogram was Normal, so The Girls are in good shape.  But... there is a "Mass" on or near my Left Ovary, which is why they've scheduled that other MRI with and without Contrast, to get a closer look at that and determine what it could be?  Since they'd called me about 9 times in Two Days and SimonMed Imaging had been calling me about Results being in that I should know about, and talk to my Doctor about, I knew it wasn't Good News.  At least my Top Lady Bits are in good Order, it's the Bottom Bits that are sketchy looking right now.  My MRI is Scheduled this Week, they wanted to do it sooner but I didn't have a day open until Midweek, too many other Appointments committed to already.

So, anyway, on the Positive Side, tho' I didn't Buy anything at all at the Event, it was a really good one and a lot of my Friends were there to Socialize with.  And, I got loads of great Blog Fodder from it.  Then I went to our other Antique Mall Location in Phoenix and found The Man a bunch of Vintage Fishing Lures for $1 and $2 each, and a large one that looked like a Real Fish that was $6.  He Collects Lures and was Delighted with such a big Haul, I must have gotten him about 25 of them.  I also got myself a Vintage "In Living Color" T-Shirt with one of the hilarious Characters the Wayans Brothers had on the Show "Wanda" as played by Jamie Foxx, and a Vintage "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" T-Shirt from one of the Vintage Clothing Vendors there too, which, Online fetches a Fortune, who knew?   And a heavy Irish Rosary, a really nice Quality one at a great price.   Such a Bargain the Rosary was that I couldn't NOT Buy it... when something is priced so low they MAKE you Buy it.  *Winks*

 I stood Tall on the Two Tees for myself coz I LOVED both of them and got my Employee Vendor Discount on all my Purchases.  Then I went to the Discount Grocer and got a Month's worth of Non-Perishable Groceries to stock up the Pantry.  I met the Owner this time, a Delightful and Funny Arabic Immigrant, probably in his 50's, with a Wicked Sense of Humor.  He even helped me to my Truck with my Haul and gave me a $15 Discount and some Free Snacks!!!  So Sweet.  I Save so much Money shopping there.  For $140 I got Three Banana Boxes filled with Groceries, Six Bags of Specialty Gourmet Bird Food, and Six 24 Pacs of Bottled Welch's Cranberry Drinks in various flavors:  CranGrape, CanApple, CranPineapple, CranStrawberry, CranTropical, Cranberry, CranWatermelon & CranMango.  They're very refreshing on Hot days.

But, back to the Beginning... Traffic was Surprisingly Light this Morning going in to the City so I made such good time getting to the Event that I could stop and eat Breakfast first at "Joe's Diner" and have my Berry Crepes with an Iced Tea.   Food Porn Imagery of it is further Below, you're Welcome.  *Winks*  I just get good Parking at the Event and Walk over to "Joe's Diner", which is just down the Street.  I would have Treated myself to Lunch Downtown too at "The Indian Frybread House" but I was already done before they even opened, and I went to the other Location of our Antique Mall instead.  I wasn't all that hungry by Lunchtime anyway, my Crepes had sustained me for the Afternoon too.  So, no Frybread this day, tho', it would have been nice to have some.  *LOL*

You can see that the Event had a strong Patriotic Theme for the 250th Anniversary Celebration.   So, the Vignettes were really nice and very Editorial this Show.   They're getting back to doing more Vintage again, which I'm glad to see.  I don't mind the Filler and Import Merch, but I mostly go for things you can't find in Big Box Stores, so the Vintage Merch is more appreciated by me anyway.   I'm guessing with Tariffs still in place, even tho' the Courts deemed them Illegal and told him to stop, he hasn't, and so it's harder to get Imports and Mass Produced Merch from Abroad into the Country now at decent price points.  Nobody is gonna pay a Premium on Mass Produced Merch, mostly made in China and India... the reason it was popular is coz it was Cheap and a lot of it.  And a lot of folks just like Decorating with Cheap, coz they don't plan to keep it or have it be any kind of Investment... they'll go with any Trend that replaces it.  And that's why Mass Produced Merch Sells well. 

On the way Home I got half priced Drinks at SONIC, got a Route 44 sized Cherry Limeade and a Route 44 sized Coke Zero... I was thirsty enuf to drink both.  *LOL*  It was 109 as I was driving Home, so not quite as Hot as the last few days has been, but still pretty Toasty.  And I noticed at the Event that there was nobody standing in Line or there early.  The Majority showed up about 15 Minutes before the Doors opened this Month, due to the Heat, I highly suspect.  I don't blame them, I got a shady Parking Space under a big Palo Verde Tree in their Back Parking Area, then I walked to the Diner and stayed there until just after the Doors did Open at the Event.    So, I was pleased with when I arrived, where I Parked, what I ate for Breakfast nearby, and that the Crowds were sparce, but still pretty well attended for Summer.  I've seen Stronger Sales at the start of Summer than usual, which is encouraging, even at our Mall.  

It was unexpected, but I think Soccer brought some International folks that except for coming for Soccer, probably now would never come at all to the U.S..  Internationally our Reputation is poor now due to this Regime and how it's treated the International Community, including long time Allies and important Trading Partners.   Few in the International Community can or will Trust us anymore and they are justified for not Trusting us anymore.  I do Hope that when we get rid of this Administration we can regain the Trust and Reputation we've enjoyed and had Internationally before... it remains to be seen how long, if ever, that will take now???   Running Damage Control behind Bad Politics and foolish Policy and Actions is always a very difficult Process Diplomatically.  This Prez has no Diplomacy, he Disrespects constantly, and just comes off as an Unintelligent Bully who petulantly has to get his way or he melts down like a Child and has NO Moral Compass, he's always been a Career Criminal, notorious Grifter, and Consummate Conman... ALWAYS.  He's no different now than he's been the past 50+ Years, since the 1970's, at least... mebbe even before that!!!

So, above is my obligatory Food Porn that everyone enjoys the Visuals of... I do LOVE Photographing Food.  And what's hilarious to me is that all my Friends and Family that have always Teased me about Photographing Food... now they ALL are doing it!!!  *Ha ha ha*  And, I'm GLAD, coz they are Photographing some Ahhhmazing Food Porn that they're eating!!!   And they're realizing how many people enjoy looking at Beautiful Food Presentations and that it Helps a lot of the struggling Restaurant Industry, that has been hit hard ever since Pandemic... and is still struggling due to current Economic conditions being so shitty.  Okay, so my last Photo for this Post {Below} is a very Editorial Vignette Created by my Friends Roman and Geisel... LOVED it!   I like their Aesthetic and their Merch, it's some of the best.

*******

Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

Could Be Good News ~ Could Be Bad News

 I was cranky and on a downward spiral of Bipolar Depression on Wednesday Morning coz Victor was coming that Morning to do a Release for The Man on all OT and PT House visits.  He said Nurse Remi will also have to be Released by next Week's Visit or the Insurance will have Billing Issues once he starts Cardiac Rehab at the Hospital. You cannot have Home Health if you have any Hospital Rehab.  We don't want any more Insurance Drama and Issues, so...  And it meant this Morning was dominated again by a House Visit I wasn't expecting to squeeze in, but HAD to. *Le Sigh* I had assumed Wednesday was a Free Day with no Appointments Scheduled... dammit!  So I had to cancel going to the Gym as Planned or doing any Environmental Cleanup.  Both of which would have been Self Care I desperately NEEDED, but couldn't now have.  I try to go before 9:30 a.m. when all the Medicare Paid Members swarm in to the Gym due to the Ageism Hours Restrictions "Lifetime" imposes on them. 

 I'm now paying for my Membership so I don't have Restricted Hours, and can beat that Crowd in and have access to the Machines I use without waiting or having Seniors trying to Socialize.  It's not that I'm opposed to Socializing, I just don't have Time for it while there, since I've got to have coverage here for The Man.  So try to get what I go there for done without interruptions or waits. I also try to get out to do a little Environmental Cleanup in Nature before the triple digit Extreme Heat Advisories hit by late Morning.  After that it's too Hot and you've missed the brief Window of Opportunity Summer imposes.  So, all I really accomplished was dropping The Son and Granddaughter off at their Work before Victor arrived and mailing some Bills after our Social Security Payments hit Mid-Month.  And wouldn't ya know The Man's Blood Pressure elevated during the damned visit!!!  It had been Normal and not High only an Hour beforehand!  Fuck!!!

I'm Burning Out on so much Medical stuff piling up and consuming all our Time, Focus, Energy and Financial Resources.   And that's before I know what the Hell they think might be going Wrong with me?!  I'm hoping nothing and it's a False Alarm.  I'm already overwhelming with everyone else's Medical and Health or Mental Health Issues and getting them Services, Treatment, Benefits and keeping everyone stabilized and out of Hospitals and Alive.  It's exhausting and Retirement wasn't supposed to look like this.  *Eye Roll*  I probably should not even visit FB since during Summer is when all my Retired Friends are off on their Wonderful Vacation Adventures and Cruises, which, is what Retirement SHOULD look like IMO.  *Winks and Sighs*  Not that mine will, but, even vicariously viewing someone else's Summertime Adventures is making me feel more envious, frustrated, and despondent with our Hand Dealt right now.  I'll get Over it, but every so often it hits me Hard.

Just having a Day Open on the Calendar isn't such a Big Ask or Luxury!  I'm not expecting to Book a Cruise or take a Road Trip to any wonderful Destination, yet, even that is becoming more difficult to come by lately... just a DAY, a Single Day, Open on the damned Calendar!!!  I've just been in a deep Funk about it all Day, so spent all Morning back in Bed Sleeping it off.  Sometimes that helps when I'm Mentally and Emotionally fatigued.  On a Physical level I'm not at 100% either and Victor, while here, commended me on, and said he NOTICED, how much it appears I've "Tried to clean up", Fuuuuck... coz I know the house has just been so messy, I'm doing my best, but, sometimes I hit the Wall.  And usually I make a concerted effort to ensure it's passing Inspection and muster for any Caseworker ever Assigned, which have been many over the Years, due to having Disabled folk I'm Caring for in the Household, for, what seems like an Eternity now and never ending.  I'm at the throwing up the Middle Finger Phase of it all right now tho'.  *LOL*

 I'm literally now at Fuck It, Fuck You, Fuck The System, Fuck The Establishment, Fuck the President and all his Demon Spawn, Billionaire/Trillionaire Bros, and Supporters, Militant Phase of Rebellion at the Moment.  All my Family are actually, we're Unanimous about it and of One Mind about that, having no more Fucks to Give Phase of our Life's Journey, all Three Generations of us.  *Winks*  Listen I know Caseworkers take Note of Environment and how well you're Independently doing and Coping with Life and it's Issues, as you Age and have Limitations.  This ain't my 1st, 2nd, or even 100th Rodeo, I'm a Seasoned Veteran of Extreme Caregiving and being Assigned Caseworkers, either voluntarily or involuntarily as the State, Feds or Social Services mandates, even if they aren't actually Paying you a damned thing to do what you do for Free to Save them a Buck.... or conservatively about $150,000 to $250,000 Grand Monthly if they hadda find Alternative Placement for all Residents of The Asylum here on their fucking Dime!   

 And I don't Care anymore.   And I don't Care who knows it either.  There goes my last Fuck to give... flying away like a Winged Unicorn jumping off a Rainbow and farting Fairie Dust Glitter behind them like an obnoxious but pretty Vapor Trail.  The Home is clean Enough, mebbe, it's debatable and I don't give a Fuck.  Well mebbe Barely give a Fuck, coz I am somewhat Prideful about our Sanctuary, but that's evaporating like Scotch Mist that I even Care about my surroundings now.   But it is cluttered up with what should not be here or hasn't been gotten to coz I'm overwhelmed by the magnitude, it's daunting, daily, it's that Elephant always in the Room.  But I stalled on Pricing, don't have the Room at the Antique Mall to cram any more in there, and it's so Hot, and has been, that I can't spend any time whatsoever now in non-climate controlled areas like The RV Garage Mahal or She Shed where it should be moved to.  The Man has to move around with much bulky Medical Equipment now, which meant moving things around for his access with all that... a Challenge to make a Home Wheelchair and Walker Accessible when it was not built or designed to be.

The Daughter had been my Present Help partnering with me to do those things and she's been gone a lot, doing her side Work to try to earn something.  And feeling overwhelmed by it all as well, she's not at all Well and so feeling like she's got to take Care of anyone or anything when she can't even take Care of herself, is really daunting. She's Crying a lot about it coz she really wants to be a Present Help to her Dad and I. She's not ready yet to try to go thru the Process her Son is going thru to get Service or SSI, she has no delusions how grueling it is and that Mentally she would be hard pressed to Cope with it.  She's always had a Psychotic Schizophrenic Meltdown during Evaluations and The System Shitshow they put her thru.  She also knows I'd have to go thru it all with her, and she sees the toll it's taking on me to go thru what we've had to so far on behalf of her Dad and Son.  Adding going thru it for her into the Mix might just finish me off, and she could be Right about that.  I'm having Caregiver Fatigue and some Burnout again.  I'm also now Dealing with my own unknown Health Issues that cropped up and are gonna need to be dealt with, depending on the results of all this Testing they're insisting on doing.

I just had HUMANA call to say they Approved all my Testing, which is good.  BUT they add that it doesn't mean they'll PAY for it all, WTF?!  Okay, so you're APPROVING it but MEBBE you'll PAY then, or MEBBE you WON'T... is that what is being implied?!  You can't ask coz the Call is a Bot and just gives a confirmation number for APPROVAL... not PAYMENT or clarification as to Why they might not Pay?!  So, mebbe SimonMed gets Paid, mebbe they don't... I guess???  The Healthcare System is seriously fucked up and hitting the skids with Medicare and Medicaid.  Why?  Coz this Regime doesn't wanna Fund it anymore.  They also now are Questioning whether THEY can AFFORD Social Security either... ummmm... WE PAID FOR IT, it's OUR Money Paid into The System!  So... if you don't Loot it and Grift it, if you just lift the Caps you put on it so that the Wealthy Pay their appropriate Share of Paying into it, then it will remain Solvent for a very long time, mebbe 75 more Years, at no Cost to the Government, you Morons!!!  There is a viable Solution to what they made a Problem.

Okay, Rant over, I'm stuck inside due to circumstances and Weather, and going a bit Stir Crazy and stalled on anything and everything I want or Need to do.   Self Care is an Illusion at the Moment, or Delusion, I'm not even sure what Self Care even LOOKS like anymore.  The House, I could kinda work on what needs doing but have Zero Ambition to tackle any of it actually.  As mentioned previously, I barely Care now, in spite of Victor noticing what effort I have put into it.  It was just embarrassing to me, for him to have to even try to compliment the feeble effort.  I'm juggling too much, I'm in over my Head, the Cavalry ain't coming, it is what is just fucking is and at times I Bottom Out about that.  I'm Tired.  I'm Tired of the condition of America and how fucked up this Administration is and that anyone is still in Support of it.  I'm Tired that I've got so many having to move back Home coz everything has been made unaffordable for our Younger Generations and they probably have a Grim fucking Future... if they even have a Future at this rate? 

 Coz, things could get way worse if we let this Regime finish out Two more Years of dismantling our Democracy and Human Rights.  And widening the Gap between the obscenely wealthy Elite, who greedily can never get Enough or have Enough even if they could never spend what they already have in their Lifetimes... and everyone else who doesn't have Enough.   As expenses soar and AI will eliminate what little Security they might have left.   My Doctor's Office called about 3 Hours ago while I was Sleeping, and apparently had been blowing up my Phone all day... Splendid, that doesn't sound Promising!   And now I'm waiting for their Callback coz, well, who knows what that's about directly after Testing and requests for more Testing just got Approved... tho' mebbe not Paid For???  All I know is when I called back they said that the Doc needs to talk to me directly, that doesn't sound Promising at all.  Usually the Help just tells you whatever it is so as not to disturb the Doctor to have to.  Oh well... could be Good News could be Bad News...  I won't jump to Wild conclusions, tho' that's where my Imagination would take me if I didn't resist.

Clearly, not in a Good Head Space to even be Blogging, but, it's Cheaper than Therapy, so, here we are.  You're getting the whole Bale dumped Today my Friends.  Is there anyone else Feeling Angrier and Angrier as the Fuckery continues, or is it just me?  That's a rhetorical Question of coarse, I already know the Answer.   This could be called Blogging for Sanity... the remnant of it I may have left anyway.  I am pretty sure I've been near the Edge of Insanity for a while now, just staring down into the Abyss and trying not to Jump.  I think it would just be easier to go Insane, for me, and step off The Ledge.  Not for anyone else tho', so, I resist unraveling to that degree too... lots of Resistance going on, you see, and it is Tiring... No... it's Exhausting actually.  It's Why I Need so many Naps now, pretty sure.  And of coarse it's worrying my Loved Ones.  I'd say it's worrying my Friends too... but most of the closest ones are either Dead or not in Arizona, so they aren't Present to Witness the Daily Struggle and steady Decline into what could end up Insanity, well, what the Courts would determine my State of Play is.  *Bwahahahaa*  

The Land Of Blog is better informed than anyone in Real Life could or would be actually.  I'm actually a lot more Private in Real Life... go figure.  I keep it Vague, on a Need to Know Basis, and most folks don't Need to Know, and keep it Moving in Real Life.  I can Clean Up Well in Public and can be Masterful at Illusions, so the Reality going on is rarely that apparent, and, it doesn't Need to be.  Coz in Real Life everyone is struggling with something and so preoccupation of our own Trials and Issues Of Life is all most folks can Handle or Cope with.  I see some on Social Media Live Feeds putting it all out there via FB, X, or whatever Platforms they Scream into Space with hoping someone is Hearing them.  Really, few are, and of the few who mebbe are, it's more a form of Entertainment to them, than actually giving a Shit about what's happening in anyone else's Life, Truth be told.  They aren't getting Involved, that is for damned sure.  Involvement is Scary stuff.  And, actually not everything needs to be Out There, but if it's Helpful to whoever is Yelling into the Void, then, Yell away I say. The Universe is vast, mebbe the Extra Terrestrial Aliens will Hear and give a shit, or God, I dunno?

One of the Blogs I Follow said something that resonated.  They said that the Beauty of the Driverless Vehicles you can Uber/Lyft, or whatever Business transports folks in Driverless Cabs now, is that since there's no Human Driver, you can Scream as loud as you Need or Want to.  *LOL*  Well, a lot of times I'm in my own Vehicle with no Passengers and it Works well in that scenario too!  *Winks*   Or, out in Nature when you're in a rather pristine isolated spot away from Humanity... even better if there's Mountains it can Echo off of.   Quite therapeutic.  You can make any visceral utterances you Feel a Need to Release.  I can make some Scary ones, Horror Movie worthy actually, it's a Talent that seems absolutely Wasted most of the time.   A pity really.  There are times I think it might be Fun to let one loose in Public, a Crowded Space... these are the things I do not do of coarse, but Amuse me to think about the doing of.  *Smiles*   A guttural visceral Scream right in the middle of a busy 'Starbucks' perhaps?   *LMAOROTF*  It does have the most Pretentious Demographic acting as if all is Right with The World, even when it isn't.  But I do like their Coffee and I Collect the Mugs and Tumblers obsessively.  *Ha ha ha*

 Would anyone spill their pretentiously ordered Latte or look up from their Tablet I Wonder, as I look around?  How quickly would the place Empty out?  The Police or SWAT arrive? *Bwahahahaha*  I muse about such things becoz I have a very Dark Twisted Sense of Humor and the tendency to wanna actually DO IT... and you might ask WHY and so I'm gonna Tell ya.  You knew I would, Right?  *Winks*   Why would Dawn do such a Bat Shit Crazy thing in Public and not be inhibited about it?  I mean, we know she's Nuts, but that seems a bit Extreme... but... is it?  Considering what's going on every fucking day around us now, is it Extreme at all?  I think not actually.  Mebbe nobody would even notice, it is The City... and a Human Sideshow out there.  I know, I've done Environmental Cleanup in my Pajamas, Commando even under the Cotton Jammie Pants and Braless.  *LOL*  Nobody Cares, nobody bats a fucking Eye actually.

 And so The Why:  So many walk around like Zombies these days, with Heads in the Ground like Ostrich, or their Heads up their Asses or in the Clouds, that it might just snap them back to Reality and out of complacency or indifference, perhaps?  That we've got a Five Alarm Fire going on Nationally and yet they're not heading for any Exits of Escape Routes and don't even smell Smoke.  So, it's just Burn Baby Burn.  And at what juncture do they realize he's Burning the Country to the Ground just to Rule over the Ashes?  Nero Style, Fiddling while Rome Burns... wasting Time on trivial self-indulgent shit and ignoring duties during a Crisis... one he Created actually, every bit of it!!!  So, it's an Intentional Crisis, irresponsible and indifferent while others are suffering and the Emergency spirals out of Control.  That's where America is AT... and I can't Believe not 100% don't SEE it, it's in Plain Sight for fucks sake!!!   

The Passive Indifference while everything collapses and the Situation is Urgent and Dire, just Winds me Up, to see going on in General Public all around me!!!  It's like a fucking Twilight Zone Episode to me... You just Crossed into the 5th Dimension.  Dust off your Fedora and step into that Middle Ground, between Light and Shadow.  That's the Sign Post up ahead, your Next Stop, The Twilight Zone!  Now in this Episode: Most Americans are being idle and happily carrying on with daily Life like it will always be that way.  It won't... sooner than they can react to when it won't!!!  And a part of me is like, well, if I completely happen to unravel before it all Drops... and the Bottom falls out of America, that might be a Good Thing?  Coz I won't fucking Care or perhaps even be Aware then...   Insanity could perhaps be preferable???

Here's a very unflattering Pix of me that I absolutely HATED the Mug Shot of when they took it in School.  We were in Europe, I was a Tween, and some Salon had given me a really BAD Haircut and I HATED it and my bushy un-plucked Brows, which I hadn't learned to Shape yet!  I was never into Vanity or my Looks.  I'm not a Hairy Person at all, but I had very prominent Eyebrows when Younger... now they're almost invisible.  And once plucked they stayed shaped nicely actually even when Younger.  Anyway, The Mad Edward Scissorhands Beautician had said Layering was "In" and long Hair was "Out".  She trimmed me like a Topiary!  Europeans tended to set Trends in them days so I Believed her, naive Woman-Child I still was.  *Ha ha ha*  I had very long Hair at the time past my Hips, that I didn't mind and had looked far better than this disaster she came up with, what a Hack!!!   I had like 5 butchered Hair layers that just hung there limply!!!  I'd only ever fucked up once before like this and Sold my Hip Length Hair before my Teen Years, coz a Lady who made Human Hair Wigs had made me an Offer I couldn't Refuse as a Pre-Teen, and it seemed like a lot of Money to me, and we were Poor, and... it was only Hair!  

 She gave me a Twiggy Cut, coz Twiggy's Look was very Popular then, to get the most Hair for her Wigs.  Twiggy looked Cute, tho' like a 14 Year Old Boy Cute... I did NOT, with a Boy's Haircut, I already can look more Masculine than Feminine with my strong Bone Structure!  Mine was actually even Shorter and more layered, so I had less Hair than Twiggy... or my Brother!   *LOL and Cringe*  I came Home like that and I remember my Mom Cried!!!  It didn't suit me, this look in that hideous Mug Shot either, nothing makes you Feel more hideous and Ugly than a Bad Haircut until it grows out!!!   So I went thru an entire School Year like this just HATING that it would be in the School Yearbook so I erased the damned picture in my copy.  Plucked my Brows so I didn't look so Neanderthal and went to one of those Mall Photo Booths and replaced it with a Pix far less hideous looking and less embarrassingly horrid.   I cringe that this Photo even still Exists.   The Semi-Vanity of Youth.  *Ha ha ha*  All my close Male Friends, who were the Popular Guys, said, WTF did you do and WHY?  I didn't even realize they had thought I was Pretty, coz they treated me like one of the Guys and never said so!   I was SO very Self-Unaware.  *LOL*

The Daughter, Princess T and The Son are trying to make me Feel Better Today since they know I'm having a serious Mental Health Day.  They got me a Caramel Macchiato which did Calm me Down Emotionally and off The Ledge.  *LOL*  And The Daughter Cleaned and Tidied our Bedroom here where I'm Blogging, coz she knew what Victor said had upset me, even tho' he meant it to be Positive Affirmation.  *Ha ha ha*  It wasn't, when someone Affirms, Oh, I did NOTICE you TRIED to Clean Up around here, it doesn't come off Complimentary even with the best of Intentions.  *LOL*  Most especially an Assigned Caseworker doing Evaluations of the Old Folk Clients they're responsible for Monitoring.  *Snort*   Clearly tho' every one of them has Admired our Home and it's Decor, they can see I'm struggling to keep up on Housekeeping, Caregiving of so many Loved Ones with Issues, limited Space for all of us to cohabitate.  It IS a LOT and they acknowledge that Fact and my Reality.  So, they haven't been Critical, just kinda telling me Wow, how have you done this so long without Help?

Yeah, O guess that COULD be a Testimony of Resilience and Survival, but I don't necessarily take it as a Compliment.  Did I have any Choice?  You know, but to Deal with Hand Dealt!   So, anyway, it's not like they'll be sending in the Cavalry regardless, coz Billing can get complicated when Insurances won't Pay or Cheap Out and marginalize your Point of Need to save a few Bucks.  Oh, they'll be just Fine... whatever.  We probably will, we usually manage to stay above Water and keep treading Water thru the Storms and the Shipwrecks of Life... Jetsam and Flotsam.  I always liked those Words... Jetsam... Flotsam.  *Ha ha ha*  Debris found in the Ocean... Flotsam being the Wreckage or Cargo that Floats accidentally, usually as a result of a Shipwreck, Accident or Natural Disaster ... Jetsam being the stuff intentionally thrown overboard to Save a Ship in distress.  Yep, we're often that Ship in distress avoiding Life's Disasters if and when we can.  A Shipwreck in the Desert! *Winks*  Figuratively it means discarded odds and ends or Abandoned People.

Moving On... my Funk began to lift at around 5:00 p.m., which is good, didn't wanna Wallow there at Rock Bottom too long, it's not Healthy to.  Climbing Out is an epic Challenge tho', I ain't gonna Lie.  Sometimes I Succeed earlier, sometimes it's like climbing up Mount Everest to get to Higher Ground and might take equally as long.  The Doc's Office never did callback, after blowing up my Phone Three times, which seemed excessive attempts to reach me initially, but now I'm thinking, well, mustn't have been all that Important?  *Shrugs*  We'll see... Tomorrow is the Monthly Event at "Sweet Salvage" and I probably should go just to feel Inspired and have something Positive to be around and look forward to doing for a change.  I could wear my new Altered Art T-Shirt Top and some Black Capris, which would be comfortable enuf now it's 114-116 every damned Day and Monsoon Storms making it Humid too.  Comfort is everything when it's that extreme.  I wanna look presentable, but comfortably so. 

Princess T told me I smelled Good Today, when I picked her up from Work, her Co-Workers often tell me that, and tell her that too, how Good her Gramma smells.  *LOL*   When it's Humid my Nag Champa Essential Oil I always wear smells stronger and lasts longer.  Which is good, coz I was Sweating bullets, and usually I don't perspire much at all.  But when it's searingly Hot AND Humid, even us minimal Sweating folks bust a Sweat and might stank.  And you just Feel as tho' you might smell like an Armpit while you're out and about, so I'm glad I apparently managed to still smell Good... whew... coz it was 114 by the time she got off work.   It's still Officially 106 right now and it's almost Sunset.  I should jump in the Pool, but I haven't done that so far this Season, tho' the Kiddos all have.  It would be refreshing, but this late in the day my Dreadlocks would never be dry then by Bedtime and I have to consider that.  When it's Humid they take a long time to dry out when wet... like a wet Mop... but a Mop might actually dry faster.  *LOL*

The Daughter tried to tackle her Son's Space while he's away coz it's not Safe or Sanitary again.  And it used to be my Nice Art Studio.  It wasn't really bad off when she Lived in there, she could keep it Safe and somewhat Sanitary, or whip it into shape if she went Schizo for a while and came back to Reality.  But with The Grandson... The Son said it's like Ed Gein's and we nervously laughed, but, seriously, The Grandson is SO fucking Unwell.  Commitment Level Unwell actually.  If we get Interviews with Social Security Shrinks I'm gonna ask if they can Assign him some Home Help like a Professional Organizer to keep his Space Clean, Safe and Sanitary?  Coz we try, but it's overwhelming to and for me... or any of the Family, and he does lock himself in there for Days at a time and by then it's a Bad Situation again.   And there is no Cure, so this is how he is, Forever, and probably why Allen took him to New Mexico for a while.  The Daughter told me she overheard Allen saying, your Grandma can't see or Cope with this, I'll bring you with me and you try to get more of a Grip, or she can't have you here either.  I think it was why Allen finally couldn't Cope, pretty damned sure actually.

 It is enuf to make you lose your shit when you'd come Home from Work at such a demanding job like a Slaughterhouse and their Home might have looked like that Room, while he was away?  Allen is very minimalistic and being Autistic, even moreso than The Son is, fairly Anal about how he keeps things and his surroundings.  The Young Prince will tell me he's working on it and trying, which, some areas seem like he might be, but the rest of it in there is like "Silence Of The Lambs"!  Even the Lighting!!!   The Son was behind me saying, Mom, I'm expecting to see The Moths!!!  *LOL*  Mom, Serious as fuck, I get the Vibe of "It puts the Lotion on the Skin or it gets the Hose again."  And I'm Laughing and telling him to Stop with the inappropriate Dark Humor, knowing he's not actually Kidding, it concerns him how Ill his Nephew is, but has nowhere else to go.  But, The Daughter, also a Schizophrenic and prone to having similar issues, but not quite as Extreme as her Son's, is saying, the Room is Scaring her!  Am I gonna find faux Body Parts from the Sex Shop, Mom?  Well, mebbe... I did in there last time I Cleaned it for him.  You have to get where nothing Shocks you.

 

And everyone Loves him, but even his Sister gets unsettled by how Ill he is and whether he should be Housed in a more Institutionalized Setting?  I don't want that for him, he's higher Functional than that, and involuntary Commitments are real Rare anyway.  It's not Illegal just to be Crazy so long as you're not a Danger to Self or Others.  You can be as Crazy as a March Hare and that's perfectly Okay, even if you can't take Care of yourself, The System does not Care enuf to provide what you need for the bare basics of Survival, we treat Domestic Animals better than the Seriously Mentally Ill.   Most of Society has more compassion and would Advocate more for Domestic Animals than for the Seriously Mentally Ill Humans too.   The seriously Developmentally Disabled have some Safety Nets in place if they're bad enuf off or their Families can't Cope or Care for them, the same is NOT True for the Seriously Mentally Ill or their Families.   And I do worry what will happen to any of them when I'm Gone... coz Society doesn't Care now... I doubt they'll suddenly Care then...

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Hopeful some Good News offsets the Bad News... Dawn... The Bohemian