The Bad News Keeps Coming...It's A Seismic Life Shift

 With being up 24 Hours I Slept In, then, got woken to the Grandson panicking that the Fridge's Freezer in the Kitchen had gone on the fritz and everything had thawed out!  Yikes, we knew this Fridge is going out and limping along.  It was brand New when we bought this Home only 6 Years ago and was a very expensive Stainless Steel Appliance with all the Bells and Buzzers.  But, that means nothing, they only build Major Appliances now to last perhaps 7 Years tops before needing replacement now.  We've become such a disposable Society!!!  And workmanship on anything is shoddy and made to NOT last, so you must replace it all often, adding continuous needless expenses on essential products.

The only reason we could Salvage half of the Food was we had some of those Freezer Pacs in there and they'd kept it Cold enuf, but we lost half the Frozen Food.  And I'd JUST done the Shopping, so, that wasted a considerable amount of the Grocery Budget for this Month!  Luckily we have an Older, yet better built Fridge, from the McManse, that's in the RV Garage Mahal, so we moved everything to that Freezer that was Salvageable.  It wasn't all lost, but, a lot of really good Food was, such a waste and no way to have known.  Luckily the Fridge Portion is still Working, for now.

But, I'll have to go price Fridges now and see about having one more Loan to Buy one.  *Le Sigh*  I don't want more Debt on Credit, but don't have the Cash and don't wanna risk buying a Used one.  And, I want a nice one becoz we take Care and want expensive things to be the ones we really wanted if we're gonna have to make that financial sacrifice to purchase them.  New Fridges that are the size to accommodate a large 3 Generation Family are all expensive, so I want the one I really want if I'm gonna hafta finance it and make payments on it anyway.  Tomorrow I hafta go look at Fridges then before this one goes out and we risk losing more perishables.

Then I went to visit The Man, he'd had some Asshole Doctor who was On Call and didn't bother Reading all the information the VA and the Paramedics had transferred him over with.  Or what I'd told Staff on the previous shift before I left early this Morning at 5:00 a.m..   So, he expected The Man to know why he was there, why the VA transferred him, what is going on... when, The Man not only doesn't know any of that, he can't remember anyway coz of his Memory Care Issues and I'd made that Clear to everyone we Talked to the Day before and I know there has to be Notes on that which should have been conveyed to Shift Change Employees.  *Le Sigh*

So, that Doc made The Man feel badly for not being cognitively up to explaining everything, which now intensified his Anxiety.   So I railed the Head Nurse about it, she was great, but I told her I didn't appreciate any Staff Member doing that to him, making a bad situation we're going thru even worse.  And that it wasn't his own Doctor, just someone on Call, so I don't even know who this Guy was, but, they know who this Doctor is and I wanted them to know, I really don't want him around my Loved One if he's not up to the Job or feels some kind of way Negatively while being Assigned a New Patient.  Fuck that Guy.  He's Lucky I don't know who he is, I'd file a Complaint against him.

The Man looks Jaundiced, they're doing more Tests coz they do think things are going very Wrong with Internal Organs and they need to identify what and why?  They're taking more Blood regularly to Test and I told them he just had a Blood Transfusion coz he's got Internal Bleeding, so his Blood is low already!!!   He wasn't as confused, so I think the Transfusion helped some with hallucinations, Anxiety, Confusion and not getting enuf Oxygen to his Brain.  And he doesn't feel as Weakened.  He's got an Alarm on his Bed tho' and lots of Specialty Warning Bracelets on him... Fall Risk, Wander Risk, etcetera... each one a different Color Code.  He's on a Liquid Diet 'til they know what's going on with his Digestive System.

So, I had to coax him to drink some of his Lunch, he didn't like it, he wants Real Food, and it was Chicken or Beef Powder to put into Water to make a Broth.  It was a melted Popsicle, Cherry, which I poured into a Cup so he could at least drink it since it had thawed out and was leaking.  It was some Tea, some Apple Juice, some Cranberry Juice.  Not very appetizing at all and it's hard enuf to get him to eat tasty Foods anymore.   I just Hope they don't send him Home again and nothing has improved and it's a revolving door in and out of ER's constantly with Medical Emergencies becoz things haven't been addressed or identified and we're flying Blind in trying to Care for him at Home.

We can't just rely on MY Intuitions and Premonitions about what's going Wrong, the Medical Community Needs to catch up with Identifying it first and catch up, dammit!!!   Every time a Doctor or Specialist tells me they're in total Awe that my Intuition or Premonition was Spot On and eerily so accurate, I wanna say, yeah Doc, it's handy and avoids a LOT of catastrophic outcomes, BUT, I don't think we ALL should be relying on that, should we, No?!  It makes me nervous when I've predicted something way before all their Specialized Knowledge and Testing does! Or they miss it and I insist, check again, I don't have a Peace about those results, it missed something, and then they go back and find out I was Right and they were Wrong!  Fuuuck!  

Yeah, I'm sure it makes for some Good Stories for them to tell about the Old Gypsy Witch {or whatever they think I am, LOL}, who told them exactly what was Wrong, when they were Clueless and didn't know for sure.   BUT, I'm Paying THEM for their Medical Expertise to find out what's Wrong, run Intervention Medically, and Save him, am I Right?  *Eye Roll*  I don't wanna be the one to be Calling the Shots during a Medical Emergency that can mean Life or Death for my Loved One, based primarily on Intuition or Premonitions... as handy as that might be to us!!!  Dr. Patel, the VA Psychiatrist, who is East Indian, might be one of the few Shrinks I ever have met who doesn't think me having Premonitions like I do, is just in my Head as complete Nonsense... coz he knows how many times already it's Saved a Loved One of mine to have them.  I always appreciated that.

During this last Visit, when Dr. Patel remembered so much about our Unusual Family and it's Dynamic, he told me that if I didn't always have these Premonitions and uncanny Intuition, I'd of been a Widow well over a Decade ago.  I know this is True, The Man knows it's True, and that's why he always tells his Docs that I won't "Allow" him to Die, becoz I Predict it ahead of time and run an Intervention so he can't Die and Cheats the Grim Reaper.  *Bwahahahaha*  No, you can't have him, he's MINE and I'm holding onto him, go away.  But, Death has a way of always Winning in The End, and will come back later if not successful, so I know this too.  

If you have Nine Lives like a Cat, that 10th time, The Reaper will eventually come Get you.  The Kids all gathered last Night and told me I may not be able to prevent Dad "Going" for much longer!?  And mebbe he Needs my Permission to "Go"?  They could be Right?  I know he wants to and is ready to "Go", he's said so, and... all my Pep Talks are not encouraging him to "Stay" now, or to keep Fighting to.  He told me this might be the one time he has to Surrender and not Win a Battle he's been Forced into again?  I just don't know he's not got some Fight left in him and I don't want him Giving Up prematurely and too soon.  But, I don't want him suffering either, so, it's a Tough Call either way, isn't it?

LATER: Visited The Man with The Son, he was having a Scope Procedure at 2:00 p.m. to look into his Gut.  We also stopped at "Lowe's" where I have a Line of Credit to pick out a Fridge.  We got the G.E. Cafe 36 inch in Stainless.  They had one with a Black Interior and Copper Trims but it was $1,500 more and the exact same Fridge.  Plus ours was now on Sale $1,500 OFF the original Price, so we got it for $2,300 at 0% Interest for 12 Months, I was Happy with the Deal we Negotiated and our Sales Clerk, Manny, was really fast and Helpful.  It's being Delivered Tomorrow, I got a 5 Year Warranty which will replace anything that goes Wrong in 5 Years and if you never file a Claim you get 30% back. 

 They had a low Delivery Charge of $60 and only $50 to haul the Old Fridge away.  Ours is pictured at the Bottom but has some Upgrades and is exactly the same Inside as that Lovely Black & Copper Interior Upgrade Interior tho' with that Ice Water Pitcher in the Lefthand Door too, but, just all White.   For $3,000 less for not getting the Upgrade Colors and getting ours on Sale too at a Deep Discount, I felt it was the Better Deal.  I was ok paying $2,300 for a top-o-the-line Model, but $4,300+ was too much.  And ours looks just as nice on the Interior and has that whole back that Lights Up where it says Cafe', it Won Design Awards and compared to the other Fridges on Display, I can see why it did.  Once I saw the Cafe' Model, I knew I wanted one.  Had the Black Interior one been on Sale too I may have folded and gotten it, looks so Bougee and Uptown Luxurious with that Black Interior. *Ha ha ha*  So, they're Delivering it Tomorrow.  Yay!  The G-Kid Force cleaned out the Old Fridge and a Path to bring the New Fridge In and Old one Out.  They were excited.  Yeah, we get excited about New Appliances.  *LOL*

So, Irrigation had come at 2:40 in the Morning until almost 4:00 a.m. and The Son did it.  But I noticed by around 10:00 a.m. that our Water was very high in the Yards and Pasture Area and asked him, did our Neighbors remember to Open the Main Gate back up to the Canal after they got their rotation?  Coz this Water is too high!!!  They get it after us and we Share the Canal behind our Homes, they live directly behind us and are a new Younger Hispanic Couple, very Nice, that bought Old Hippie Laura's Property.  Well, I waded out there with him and they had put the Gate up but folks Upstream to us had not removed Yard Cutting Debris, fallen Fruit and some Garbage out of their Canal beforehand and it floated downstream and lodged now!   Since Omar's Property is next, he has his portion of the Canal Covered and it had obstructions now which couldn't be seen there, but were backing up in our Canal section and visible as Jetsam and Flotsam Debris!  Shit, it now meant we had to remove the obstructions and rake it out to get the Water flowing again so it would quit flooding our Property!!!

I HATE when folks don't Maintain their Canals appropriately and cause Flooding!  We did it, but then wading back to the House, becoz our Water was so high and the ground so saturated, it was muddy in a spot and I slipped and fell, flat on my Back, laying in the Water like a Starfish!!!   The Son's Face was mortified and he's yelling, "Mom!  Are you alright!?"  And I'm just laying there in my Pajamas, completely now soaked in Icy Cold Water, it's only 70 Degrees Outside so it's Freezing to be that Wet, and it's Windy, I had Sticks and Goatheads in my Dreadlocks, and I'm Laughing my Ass off coz my Flip Flops had come off my Feet and were Floating beside me!!!  I wasn't hurt coz luckily the water was high enuf to break my Fall really, whew, but, I sure was like a Drowned Rat and his poor Face made me Laugh even harder, coz he didn't think any of it was Funny at all.  I could have really gotten hurt, so I know Why, Christ, he already has his Dad Hospitalized and didn't need me taking a Senior Fall during Irrigation!   It's why the Kids do it FOR me now.  *LOL*

He helped me pull the Goatheads Burrs out of my Dreads, coz Dreadlocks are like Velcro and so are Goathead Burrs, so that's all that hurt, pulling those out of my Hair.   And of coarse my Pride was Hurt a little bit, coz damn that Mud was so slippery I Fell FAST, he said like in a Second I was down flat on my Back, my Feet had gone completely out from under me and I hit the Water completely Horizontal!!!   Anyway, I cancelled the Two Home Visits The Man had Tomorrow with Nurse Remi from the VA and John the Wound Nurse and told them he's Hospitalized yet again, more complications.   And since it stayed in the low 70's and was high Winds all Day I did some Environmental Cleanup and got a lot of Cans, also traded in our Aluminum for Cash.

 But, that huge Fire in Buckeye is still 0% Contained and Residents are worried about that and upset none has been contained at all.   Especially with these high Winds, it started out being 500 Acres burned and now it's well over 1,000 Acres and Zero Percent Contained!!!   The lower Pix my Friend Tina, that I always meet at "Sweet Salvage Event", took from her Home's Front Yard at 4:00 this Morning, she's very worried they may have to Evacuate if the Fire Dept. doesn't get more of a handle on this.  They should have had some Containment this close to Cities and huge Residential Areas that only have Rural type Roadways in and out.  

If folks had to leave in a hurry, trying to get Thousands of people down Two Lane Roads safely and without Traffic Jams would be very difficult.  Like what happened in California when they had their uncontained Fires too close to Residential areas near Malibu.   Out where Tina lives some folks have Multi-Million Dollar Homes in the White Tanks Mountain Communities of Verrado out there.   And the Air Quality is shit now over the whole West Valley.  So anyone with Respiratory Illness is getting really ill from it and can't Breathe.   Tina said her Home smells like Smoke!!!   It's called the Hazen Fire.

I found some Old Attempts of me trying to do Selfies, Above and Below. I really Suck at it, which is obvious.   The Above one I had the Flash on and almost blinded myself and it made me look washed out, I'm definitely not that Pale, I almost do look White in that picture my Kiddos all said.  *LOL*  And my Eyes look more Light Grey in Real Life, I think I was wearing something Blue that day and when you have Pale Grey Eyes they reflect whatever Color you're wearing.  I've worn Turquoise before and look like I have Turquoise Eyes...Pale Grey Eyes are the most reflective of whatever you're wearing coz they don't have much Color.   And I was Surprised that only 1% of the World's Population has my Color of Eyes, I guess they're pretty Rare... but on my Mom's side of the Family several have them from the Paternal Side.  My Welsh part Roma Gran-Gran and my Mom also had the same Grey Eyes.  One of my Granddaughters got them too.

The lower Pix Above of the Trio of hideous Selfies is the most accurate of my Complexion and Eye Color, coz I was wearing a Shirt that matched my actual shade of Eye Color, so they didn't reflect any Color they aren't.   And also the most recent attempt, I still Suck at the Art of the Selfie tho', I ain't getting better at it.   The Young People take such great Selfies, I don't know how they do it, I always look positively demented or Possessed in mine!  *LOL*   I just Hope I don't look that Crazy all of the time?!!!!!!   But, mebbe I do, I dunno???   *LMAOROTF*

Above is the Granddaughter that not only got my exact Eye Color, but looks so much like I did at her Age that it's eerie, like she's a Clone of me.   So that Recessive Gene is still being passed along to yet another Generation, even tho' it skipped One Generation, coz neither me or my Brother had any Children with Grey Eyes.   The same with my Welsh Nanna's Green Eyes, skipped over my Generation and our Kid's Generation, but resurfaced and The Young Prince has them.  So, Two Generations skipped before that one showed up again.  Altho' on my Dad's Side of the Family I have One Cousin, Wewokajanna, with those same Green Eyes, which looks really Odd, yet Striking, on someone who otherwise looks Indigenous.  I knew a Native American Guy whose Name was Clifton Grey Eyes.  Perhaps they had the same Gene and took on the Surname becoz of it, I dunno, he didn't have the Grey Eyes.   I think he moved back to Tuba City on the Rez, he is still Alive and looks the same, only Older of coarse.

I do have some Good News... The Young Prince was Approved for his AHCCCS Health Insurance.  *Whew*  And, his Brown Recluse Spider Bite drained and tho' it looks bad still, hopefully when he's been on the Medications for the 7 Days he won't have to go back to an ER for it?   And, now that he has Health and Mental Health Insurance he can get his Psyche Meds and also get a Primary Physician now.  I'll take him to where, me, The Daughter, The Granddaughter already go becoz I've been very pleased with the Care there.   Below is a lovely Photo of The Man's Home Nurse that the VA is sending, Nurse Remi, in her Traditional Country's Beautiful Ethnic Wardrobe.   She dresses in American Wardrobe mostly now, but I talk so much about her and how much her visits have helped our Family, I wanted to put a Face to the Person.  And this is a Lovely Photo of her, which hit my FB Feed, our Devices are always listening in on us all you know, so seem to know anyone we have contact with, it's creepy, Yes.   

Remi is just a shortened version of her first Name, the ending of it, which is much longer and starts with an "O"... as is her last Name very long, and starts with an "I", and I'd probably mispronounce both horribly.  *Smiles*  I Love hearing her Stories of Home, tho', as a Christian Minority there, it is almost a Death Sentence and why all of her Family except her Elderly Mom, all sought Asylum in various Countries like America, Canada, and Australia.  They're all Trained Professionals and an Asset to each Country they Immigrated to and received Asylum in.  Her Dear Mother is over 90 Years Old and still lives in Nigeria... and probably has no Interest in leaving her Homeland where she's spent the whole 90 Years of her Life.   All of the African Immigrants I know speak fluent English as well as their 1st Language.  And they spoke English even when living in Africa, as well as whatever African Language spoken too.

I just Loved the Celebration of Life that the Funeral Home Created for my BFF, it's Beautiful and I Loved the Wording of it especially.   The Sunrise part of your Birth and Sunset part of your Departure is just Beautiful Wordage IMO.   It would be nice if her Daughter can Video Record the Service, Kathie and I attended Church for many, many Years Together and we also worked the Food Ministries for Decades Together working with Marginalized Populations in the greatest Need.  She was Tireless about Volunteer Work and overcoming whatever comes against you.  So, she was in so many ways a Living Testimony of triumph over a rough Hand Dealt.  Not Perfection mind you, she was as very flawed as most of us are, but, she had the biggest Heart and was Ride or Die for her Family and her Friends.  She would Help anyone and was Fearless, and when she was Afraid, she just did it Afraid anyway.  That's why she and my Dad got along so well, you'd of thought she'd been Raised by him and she truly Loved my Parents, and my whole Family.

*******

Peace, Love and Light to you from the Arizona Desert... Have a nice Cinco de Mayo Today my Friends...  Dawn... The Bohemian

Another Medical Emergency ~ And Being Completely Unforgettable

Warning... Long Stressful Post ahead...

 I'm starting this Post while contemplating whether to delay the Publication of the last one I Wrote or not?  Reason, the Post of a Dearly Departed Friend that Published has hardly been Read.  So I may let it be the most recent Published one for yet another Day or more Hours at least, to pay proper Homage to that Dear Friend.  Perhaps Dear Readers don't want a Dead Friend Post to have to Read, I dunno?  I just know that usually a Post is received well and that one has not been at all, and the Topic may have been Why?  Not sure?   It won't hurt to delay the Unpublished finished Post another Day, so I just might... well, I just did... so now it won't Publish 'til Monday Morning.

Her Two Sons have made no mention of their Mom Passing, just Two of her Three Daughters have.  The One Son is in The Life, so, it's understandable that the rest of the Family may have no idea where he is or if he's even still among the Living and could be told.  He is a dangerous Drug user and has been for a long time, it's tragic, but isolated him from everyone, which was best for everyone else actually.  His behavior became way too unhinged for the Family or Friends to Deal with him, and he was always stealing or asking for Money for his Habit, so none of us had anything to do with him anymore.  I know my Friend Hoped he'd get Clean, but, he never has.

The other Son was a raging Alcoholic for Years, but got Sober and has maintained Sobriety for Years now.  He never dabbled with Drugs, which was good.  He now has a good Career and a Beautiful Girlfriend, we're so Happy for him turning his Life completely around, he looks Healthy, Handsome and Happy .  But, no mention of his Mom during her long Illness or after she Passed, and he was close to her.   I know he's aware, we've all sent our Condolences to him and the Siblings everyone still has regular Contact with.  

And his Youngest Sister, who was her Caregiver, told all the Family to come see her one last time, since my Friend was asking for them.  I don't know how many were able to tho'?   He has loads of Pixs of his Dog, none of his Family on FB, so, perhaps he's Estranged now from Family, I just dunno?  He is still 'Friends' with me and my Kiddos on The Book Of Faces, so has had Contact with us tho'.  Her Kiddos are like Nieces and Nephews to me, and like Cousins to my Kids, we've known them practically all their Lives.

A lengthy illness is tough to make that Call on when is near the End or not?  We went thru that more with my Mom than my Dad.  So, I couldn't be there when it was closer to Mom's Time, I'd come Months beforehand and figured it might be our last time together.  She at least still knew who I was, even tho' she'd forgotten who most everyone else was by then.  So, her desire to see Family just wasn't there with the advanced Dementia, coz she didn't really remember who almost anyone was anymore anyway.  So, it was more for them to see her, than it was for her to see them one last time.  She couldn't remember much English anymore either and had reverted to speaking her First Language, Welsh, and we're nowhere near fluent.  So, there was also a significant communication barrier and no Interpreters.

I've never met anyone in all my Years living in America who spoke my Mom's dialect of Welsh... or actually, anyone who spoke any dialect of Welsh at all, it's not a Written Language either.  So, there wouldn't have been any Interpreters available, anymore than there would have been for my Dad with any Tribal Languages, which also aren't Written Languages.  They are Dying Languages and few speak them fluently, if at all, anymore.  And they became Forbidden Languages as Colonization punished those who still spoke them and forced English upon them and tried to erase their Cultures completely.  As each Generation Dies Off, those Languages have less and less fluent Speakers of them and it's a damned shame and Cultural Loss that to me is significant. 

Anyway, I don't mean for this to be yet another Morose, Morbid or Death Post, Sorry.  As more and more of our Generation Dies Off it does give one a sense of our own Mortality tho'.  Eventually there will be none of us left either, erased... and Every 100 Years, All New People.   In a way, that's kind of a Clean Slate and Fresh Start for Humanity IMO.  What they do with it, or fail to do with it, is then on them.  Most of our Kid's Friends do not still have both Parents, some have already Lost both Parents.  Some never had both Parents to begin with and were Raised entirely by Single Parents or Custodial Relatives.  I know far too many who Lost a Parent way too Young, since their Parent Died quite Young and prematurely.  Old Age being a Privilege not afforded to many.  Above is Princess T with her Gay Boy Posse, Timmy and Matthew.  I got some Tea to spill she told me Today... further down in this Post.  *Winks*

One of my Cousins on the Rez was the 1st to Reach Out when she heard of my BFF Passing.  She's had much Loss in her Life, on the Rez the Life Expectancy isn't good, never has been good.  It's a Hard Life, and she not only Lost both Parents, but she's also Lost a Child and her Husband.  She still has Three Living Children, and she had Children and was Married exceptionally Young, by Age 13, which is not so unusual.  She's my Age... and even our Paternal Native American Grandmother was Married and began having Children by Age 13.  Which these days would be, and should be, Illegal and considered Pedophilia.  But for some Cultures it hasn't been, clear up to and including my Generation and in some Countries, still happens regularly, Child Brides to much Older Men.  

And even in my Mom's Culture, in her Day, if you were still Unmarried by the end of your Teens, the Family got Worried they'd never get you Married Off and you'd become an Old Maid!!!  *Eye Roll and Cringing*  My Mom was 19 when she met my Dad and considered quite "Old" to still be Unmarried.  *LOL*  And she was Engaged to my Dad for Two Years, becoz both she and he felt Teenagers shouldn't Marry, and he was Two Years Older than her and not a Teenager when he met her.  They always went on Chaperoned Dates, usually my Uncle, Mom's Older Brother, was the Chaperone to Guard her Virtue, which was the Custom.  So, she was 21 and he was 23 when they got Married and my Welsh Grandparents and my Native American Grandmother thought they were quite "Old" to wait that long.  *Bwahahahaha*

I was over 28 before I got Married the 1st time, so I can't even Imagine what any of my Grandparents would have thought about THAT long a Wait?!!!   Pretty sure my own Parents thought I'd NEVER get Married!?  *Ha ha ha*  I had The Daughter before I ever Married... and never wanted to Marry Baby's Daddy at all.  And I was Preggy when I got Married the 1st time, but not Showing  yet, with The Son's Dad, who, I never should have Married either actually.  *LOL*  I met The Man when I was 30 and he's 6 Years Older than me, we actually Eloped after a very brief time of Dating, meeting on a Super Bowl Sunday January 22nd, 1989, and Marrying by March 18th, and got Married in Las Vegas.  And... the rest is History.  *Winks*  The 49ers played the Bengals and we were at a Club/Bar outside of the Base watching the Game when I met him.  

My Brother and I were the Designated Drivers for our G.I. Friends who were getting Hammered and needed a Ride back on Base without a hassle from the Sky Cops.  Neither my Brother or I drink... we Honored our Dad's Advice that anyone Indigenous should stay away from the Fire Water... it's Wise Advice and has been a Scourge of his People.   The Man's 2nd Job, outside of being Career Military, was being the Club/Bar DJ and Bouncer at that Establishment.  I remember he thought my Brother initially was either my Boyfriend or Husband coz we didn't look anything alike so people never thought we were Related who didn't know us.  

He was 6'4" with Curly Blue Black Hair, Hazel Eyes and Light Complexion.   I'm 5'2" with then Straight Light Brown Hair, Grey Eyes and Swarthy Complexion.  I've had Friends who looked more like my Siblings than my Brother ever did.  *LOL*   Now we're Old we look more alike tho' I think.  But, we've always been very close and used to do everything together when he lived in Arizona and almost all of our Friends were the same Friends.  I remember clarified who we were to each other and he Warned The Man, No, I'm her Brother... but a Word of Advice, you are Living Dangerously if you Date my Sister, she's Crazy.  *Bwahahahaha*   The Man clearly was an Adrenalin Junkie and prone to Lived Dangerously.  *Winks*  My Dad also Warned him... she is like her Mother, so, be Forewarned, becoz everyone is Afraid of my Wife!!!   *Winks and LMAO, coz Dad wasn't Wrong!!!* 

Okay, now for the Spilled Tea that Princess T told me of her Gay Boy Posse.  Okay, so Matthew is still going to College at Northern Arizona University, he's Native American and it's near the Rez up there where he has Relatives.   Being a Two Spirit Person in Native Culture is totally accepted and always has been.  So, LGBTQ+ Indigenous have never had a problem within their Tribes of Acceptance, in fact, it's revered by most Tribes as an Elevated and Enlightened State of Being to have the Spirit of Both Male and Female.  Many become Shaman.  Anyway, so, Matthew comes down on Spring Break around this time of Year and usually the Trio get together and go Camping, so Planned to do that again when Matthew comes down.  But then... Timmy announces, that his Boyfriend NEEDS to come too!!!!!!!!!!!  Ruh Roh!!!!!!!

Coz, first of all... Princess T and Matthew were like... he NEEDS to come?  Whattsup with THAT??!!!!  Odd Choice of Words.  NO, he doesn't Need to come, in fact, Princess T and Matthew don't even LIKE Timmy's Boyfriend for a slew of reasons, Timmy could do better, much better.   Anyway, now Princess T doesn't even wanna go.  Coz, she doesn't want the Boyfriend in tow ruining the whole Trip, plus, she asked Timmy if they were gonna Rent a separate Tent and he said No, lets just get a Bigger Tent!!!   And she's like, Yeah, NO!!!! 

  I do not wanna Sleep in a Tent with you AND your Boyfriend she said!!!   I Trust you, I Trust Matthew... I do NOT Trust that Boyfriend, he's Creepy!  And, besides, Why does he think he NEEDS to tag along, it's not like you're having a Relationship with me or Matthew!!!  Doesn't he Trust you?  Coz, you sure as Hell know you can't Trust HIM, he's already Cheated on you.  She thinks Timmy's Boyfriend is a Freak in ways she does not Like nor Approve of.  I told her, well, mebbe Timmy is Okay with that, you just never know?  *LOL*

That's when Matthew spilled some Side Tea to Princess T about the fact that he thinks the Boyfriend is into Threesomes and Matthew doesn't want any part of that... or even to be with either of the Guys... Timmy is just a Friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!   And now Princess T thinks if she Opts Out, that she wouldn't wanna leave Matthew Alone with them... but... if things are Freaky... she definitely don't wanna be there either for the Boyfriend's Freak Flag Flying High like that!!!   I told her mebbe it's best if Matthew Opts Out as well then?   

Pretty sure she's gonna say she's not going if that Boyfriend is.  If I were Matthew I wouldn't take the Risk of going either and be put in an awkward Space.   So, that's the Spilled Tea... and I think the whole Camping Trip will be Cancelled now.  She said she and Matthew could always Plan to do something else Together while he's down here on Spring Break.  And Timmy can then just Opt to do something with The Boyfriend, like, fucking just go Camping Together.  *Ha ha ha*

MUCH LATER:  The Man has been having terrible Panic and Anxiety Attacks the past couple of days and I don't know what to do about it?  He thinks what's in his Head is out to get him, and I think it's PTSD and the Dementia combined, which, isn't Good.  He said he didn't wanna Be Here.  I took him out for a Ride, which Calmed him down a lot.  There was a big Brush Fire at the River Bottom out in Buckeye and he wanted to go see it.  {Pixs scattered thruout this Post that I took.}  So, we drove out there, a lot of people had gone to see it, from a Safe Distance, Photographing it.   I got him so close to it he'd of had to Help them Fight it to get Closer.  *Winks*  That made him Happy.  *Smiles*

  The Kids joked that they were afraid with all going on putting out Fires in our Personal Lives all the time, I'd just Drive me and their Dad into the Fire and say, Fuck It!?   Coz I wasn't picking up their Calls and they're like, well, she's driven INTO the Fire!!!!!!????  *LOL*   We resisted doing a Pyro Thelma and Louise tho', Death by Fire doesn't appeal to me at all.  *Winks*  We just took Pixs and so long as he was looking at that he was Fine.  Afterwards I took him to "Ed's Fish & Chips" for some Comfort Food somewhere Familiar, we ate it in the Truck tho' coz his Feet are swelling to where none of his Shoes fit now.  So he was in his Ankle Socks.  Hard to get him in and out of a Vehicle and using his Walker anyway.

But, he enjoyed his Scallops and Chips.  He enjoyed driving past our Old Historic Home, he likes the Older Memories more now, he recalls them more than something or anything more recent.  Which, makes sense.  Sadly, the big Saguaro near the Back Art Studio Cottage Driveway had broken in half and completely taken down a huge section of the Adobe and Rock Wall.  So sad, don't know if the Saguaro got some rot, Saguaro are having a difficult time with Climate Change and many are dying and falling over. 

 Or, if someone hit it with a Vehicle and causing that much damage to it and the Wall?  Hard to tell, I took some Pixs.  {See Above}  I felt incredible sense of Loss, the Structure had stood well over a Century and it took a lot of Force to destroy it like that, but several sections have gone down since we Sold the Property.   This is just the most recent damage.  I feel eventually Mr. Avila may just take all of the surrounding Beautiful Old Rock and Adobe Wall down, he may just have to.  You can't Restore everything or Save it, much as you might try or want to.  The Man was absolutely Fine with the whole Outing, but when we got Home, he had another Emotional Meltdown.  He's feeling like a burden and acts like these surroundings are suddenly not familiar enuf for him to be comforted by or with.

I don't know what to do about that, we've only lived here Six Years so if his Dementia is taking him Back In Time, as the Disease is prone to doing, he may not remember this place anymore and it's unfamiliar enuf to be giving him serious Anxiety now?  I've got a Cardiac Appointment for him on Monday and Tuesday Nurse Remi comes.  I Plan to ask them both what I should do?  I think he definitely needs either Anti-Anxiety Meds or Meds for Dementia now to ease his Mental and Emotional Torment.   The Physical deterioration is difficult enuf, but the Mental and Emotional deterioration is Heart wrenching.  And the Kiddos aren't handling it well at all, it's scaring them a lot, it's scaring me a lot, nobody really knows how to navigate thru any of this as it's progressing so rapidly you can't keep up with it and keep pace to adjust to it.

I want him to feel Secure and Safe, as well as Protected.  And he's feeling none of that right now.  It's hard tho' when he's acting like he's got something or someone after him, trying to 'Get' him!  On some levels he said he knows it's all in his Head, but it's still Terrifying to him.  He's calling whatever it is "Monsters" and I'm thinking it more Bad Wartime Memories re-surfacing and that's pretty Monstrous.  He's endure a LOT of Combat, Years and Years worth over a 39 Year Military Career in several Branches of the Service. 

  He was a Special Forces Sniper in the Marines, a Field Medic in the Army, and an Electronics Technician in the Air Force.  He's also been, in shorter Civilian Careers, a Paramedic, and when he was in Law Enforcement after Vietnam, he was an Undercover Narcotics Cop infiltrating Syndicated Outlaw Biker Gangs.  So, needless to say, he's seen A LOT that you can't Unsee nor Forget.  And much of it from time to time comes back to Haunt him a lot as he's gotten Older.

I put him to Bed early, and Mercifully with the Melatonin he takes, he's drifting off to Sleep now, which gives the Family some rest from our Anxiety of seeing him that way and being unable to do anything for him.  Tonight it was a total Panic Attack he was having where he senses he was in Danger even tho' no Danger existed and no actual Threat was involved.  But, I know enuf to know it's Real enuf to them.  The Daughter and Grandson have Psychotic Schizophrenic Episodes that are similar.  Princess T and The Son suffer from intense Anxiety at times that renders them non-functional. 

 So, I'm not "New" to Caregiving for those who have Anxiety and Panic Attacks or Psychosis.  It's always very unpredictable tho' how they'll react when they perceive Danger or a Threat that is Real to them in the Moment.  Or even if Logically they know it isn't, it FEELS like it still is and their Body reacts accordingly.  I personally Felt he knew on a visceral level something was trying to Take him OUT of this Realm and he was Fighting it.

The intense Fear, sense of Doom, Sweating and Chills, Shaking, Pounding Heart, difficulty Breathing and the Head and Chest Pain ARE very Real from a Physical standpoint when having either one.   Typical Fear responses are different since no actual Threat is involved with an Anxiety or Panic Attack and sometimes they won't even know what Triggered it or is causing it.  He just has been saying he doesn't wanna be here anymore and the Monsters in his Head are trying to get him. 

 He's looking around like he's trying to locate them and you can see the Terror in his Eyes, it's unsettling and in his Mind I don't know Where he is in that Moment?  Is he in a Memory of a Wartime Place again?  And, I also felt he is in imminent Danger from actually Dying from whatever is going haywire in his whole Body, be it his Brain deterioration or Bodily deterioration, and so he's in the Fight OF and FOR his Life!!!   When your Brain and Body Turns against you it is Terrifying and can be confusing if it's compromising your Function in various ways.

 I dunno, I can't tell what this Unknown Enemy he is Fearful of even is for sure, Instinct is tho', it could be The Grim Reaper?  And there have been times in the Past where the Ghosts of who he had to Neutralize come back to Haunt him and take him to where ever they inhabit and have since Vietnam.  As a Sniper for the Military, he had specific Targets, not random ones.  And he was always successful with every Mission and Target they gave him.  In the past, sometimes they'd come back to 'Visit' him but in a Nice way... like coming to sit with him on some Park Bench, no animosity to what War just ends up Creating in the way of the Casualties of it. 

 But, now what's coming to 'Visit' him seems more Threatening and Ominous, like a Revenge of sorts settling Scores.  And that's not Good.  And with the deterioration he's going thru Physically and Mentally, it's quite Terrifying to him, and I can't even Imagine what that's like?  The Son was in Tears seeing his Dad like this.  The Man has always been so Strong, a Bad Ass, a legitimate War Hero, and Fearless, seeing him Vulnerable is so Hard.  He's asked to be taken to the VA Hospital, so, we're heading there now, it must be real Bad for him to ask me to take him there...  

 He has NEVER asked in recent Years to be taken to the VA Hospital for Mental Evaluation becoz he felt he may want to Harm himself or that he feels something may Harm him that he can't see and therefore can't confront directly, which is Scary shit, to be sure, when your Health and Mental Health turn against you like an Enemy you must Fight, Wrestle with constantly, and try not to Succumb to.   He's not the Young Marine pictured Below anymore, he's a Frail 74 Year Old cognitively declining Man trying to stay and Act Tough and feeling quite vulnerable and exposed.

Well, I ended up staying up a full 24 Hours due to the ER Visits.  We got to the VA and the Psychiatrist there remembered us ALL, the whole Family, in great Detail, from over a Decade ago!!!  We must be a Memorable bunch.  *Bwahahaha, ya think?!  Winks*  Either that Man has the greatest Memory ever, or we're completely Unforgettable!?  *Smiles*  I just Imagined all the Patients he's seen over a Decade and that he'd recall every minute detail of our Case was Mind Blowing to me!  He remembered how many Adult Children we had, how we were Raising The G-Kid Force and their Ages then and now... Wow!  Anyway, he felt we'd have to address the Health aspect before the Mental Health one coz they were definitely intertwined and The Man not Well enuf this time for the Psyche Ward, too Medically Fragile.  Below is the Full Back Flash that my Native American Cousin had who was USMC Special Forces too.  The Grim Reaper finally came for him last Year.  He was as Tough as The Man is... but... when it's Time... you Go.

But, anyway, the VA Shrink, Dr. Patel, felt we were reaching the place to where Advancing Level Of Care Inpatient was definitely coming.  In order to meet The Man at his Point Of Need if things don't improve or deteriorate any further.   He said I've done remarkably Well for this long, he expected this juncture over a Decade ago and we've forestalled it here at Home.  But Home may no longer be possible pretty soon, I agree, but... Placement is sketchy for us and Dr. Patel knows it, he KNOWS The Man's level of Care needed.  Placements balk at taking him on. 

 But for his Safety and for ours, if he detaches completely from Reality and felt everything or everyone had become a Threat and was having Suicidal Ideology or Defensive Ideology to a degree he'd Act upon either.  His Military Training is such that it could be dangerous, and I know this Fact.  Even your average Soldier is a Trained Killer, but a Special Forces Trained Soldier is a Killing Machine who is very effective and usually efficient. 

 But, when the Medical Team got involved and ran their Tests, they realize The Man had been Bleeding internally from his Gut, pissing out Blood to the extent he needed an immediate Transfusion!!!     They began that at the VA and finished it at the Hospital he Transferred to.  He needed Two Units of Blood and I don't know if the Internal Bleed is stopped or not but they've given him Medicine for a Gut Leak of it... I don't understand the whole Medical aspect of it all... doesn't sound good tho'.  Especially if he already Bled Out about Two Units of Blood into his Gut and pissed it out in a matter of Days!

The Color of his Urine had alarmed me and I'd said so.  His Digestion is fucked up and has been and his Kidneys don't seem Right either.  I was spot on again with all of that, before Medical Professionals confirmed it, as it turned out.  His Docs told him he's Lucky he has a Perceptive Loved One whose Gut Instincts {no Pun intended concerning HIS Gut Issues}, tended to be eerily accurate.   Sometimes I just have a 2nd Sense about shit that I know nothing about actually and it is hard to explain except to someone who has Knowledge of those things and is shocked someone with no Knowledge of them can still be so accurate based on Intuition or Premonition. 

 Anyway, along with that... since, we're not thru with what was quickly going Sideways with him that I'd also sensed along with the Bleed AND the Mental unraveling...  his Heart Enzymes were off again also and his Heart was not doing well AGAIN! Jesus... so there needed to be a Cardiologist Hospital Caring for him, they at the VA are not one!!!  Luckily they do now have a Cardiologist of Two on Staff to make a Call on what to do.  *Whew*

So, by Two in the Morning they were getting Transport back to Abrazo, which is the Heart and Stroke Specialty Hospital near our Home I've been taking him to.  I only hadn't taken him there first only becoz a Retired G.I. having extreme PTSD and Flashbacks is not someone you want to dump on the Civilian Sector, they don't have the Training to handle it, the VA does.  Even their Security gets skittish when a Soldier goes Postal and then it all goes sideways badly.  The VA had their enormous Security with us at all times, just in case, and that does give you a sense of more Security than Fear that things will just go sideways if your Loved One completely unravels and in their Minds are at War again trying to Survive it. 

 The Man was definitely at that juncture and I've been Married to and Raised by Career Military to KNOW it for Sure!  And, I feel we're being Passed Around AGAIN like a Decade Plus ago and that's Scaring me... he's like a Hot Potato nobody in The System wants to Hold for long lest they get Burned badly.  He is an Escape Risk big time!  He's Escaped every Facility they ever tried to 'Hold' him against his Will in!  If he thinks he's Captured and a POW, he's Escaping come Hell or High Water! 

 And off and on he'd detach and not know where he is and if the Kiddos and I aren't there ALL the time to remind him, he's not taking the Word of someone he doesn't recognize or Trust and thinks they are The Enemy.   And... that's never Good and gets hinky fast.  And he gets understandably Terrified he's a Prisoner of War and MUST Survive and Escape Capture... any way he can and remove any Threat that stands in his way.  It all Scares the shit out of me.  He's Old but he's still Capable of more than your Garden Variety Frail Fragile Sick Old Man.

So, anyway, The Son and The Daughter had accompanied me to the VA to take him there, just before Dark.  But their Friend Steven came to get them and take them Home after it was clear, this was a Long Haul again.  Two in the Morning I was driving my dead beat tired Ass back across the Valley in the usual Crazy Saturday Night-Sunday Morning Traffic of the Weekends in the City... to the other Hospital.  Where Sayde had already driven The Young Prince so I'd have Family there with me at that Situation.  They already had a Room for him on the "Secure Ward" he was in last time, lest he try to Escape, since he's very disoriented.  But the Docs at the VA felt that the loss of Blood had caused his Brain to be Oxygen Starved and why he was acting so Bizarre and disoriented and hallucinating, and Weakening so much, so that did make Sense. 

By Five in the Morning, a full 24 Hours since I'd Woke Up to take The Grandchild to Work that Morning, I was able to finally leave to go Home.  The Young Prince's Brown Recluse Bite was Painful to him so they'd given him an Ice Pac to put on it and he really Needed to go Home and Rest also.  He's on Meds for all that, so I got a LOT going on at Home too with the Caregiving of "The Others", who all were unraveling as to be expected, about their Dad/Grandpa.  

 I was getting a Text Message from Brad that what he'd had to Buy to Repair the Pool Situation was $100, which was well under what replacing a Pump would have cost and he didn't charge for any Labor, so it wasn't Free, but was Reasonable.  But I don't know how to do shit like Zell, Cash App, Venmo or Apple Pay.  So I may just ask him if he can Debit our Regular Account we pay him Automatically with for the Monthly Maintenance instead?  So, Brad is gonna just do that now, just talked to him.

So now I'm Square with Bills for the Month, whew, until Medical ones and an Ambulance Transport rolls in for whatever we'll get hit with that Insurance won't Cover?   For this latest Medical Emergency, since, there have been so freakin' many I can't keep Pace Physically, let alone Mentally or Financially, Christ on a Bike!!!   I got a Text from some ABC Ambulance Company in April saying we owed them for a Transport that never even happened!!!   I'm disputing it coz I'm not paying for something they never did and I never Called and asked for.

   So I'm still trying to sort that shit out and I think it's when The Fire Dept. had to come here to the House for The Man and some Ambulance but Fire and Rescue told them they weren't needed... but I bet they're still Billing us Hundreds for being Called... tho' WE didn't Call them and didn't require them, so I have no Idea who did?  I just know Insurance no longer pays for Ambulances no matter if they ARE absolutely necessary to Save a Life!!!   And a usual Transport is close to Two Grand a Trip now!!!  That can fucking add up fast.   Below is my Fav Pix of how I usually Feel these days... LOL.

*******

That's all I can Write about Today... Dawn... The Bohemian