Thursday, September 22, 2022

Buttercups Rainbows And Unicorn Farts


*Disclaimer: Tough Read Ahead and Trigger Warning!  Okay, Carry On... *

The Family all went to Bed early, so I'm sitting here Blogging in Blissful Silence... shhhhh... can you hear it... the Nothingness of no Sounds except the faint tapping away on my Keyboard?  *Winks*  The Man was particularly Cranky today, so I knew he was overly tired and not coping well with what the day held.  It was a lot.  He was insistent on being in tow for all of it, he'd of fared better Opting Out.  He didn't have to or need to accompany me, since it was things that only I had to do and he could have avoided entirely.   


Sometimes his insistence means he'll deteriorate rapidly, to where having him in tow becomes a nuisance, irritant and added burden.  I know it, but he refuses to, so if I leave him Home under protest, for the Kiddos to watch, he'll then be difficult on purpose for them in Childish ways.  So it's a No-Win Caregiver situation.  It's like he's unaware when he's being a Pain in the Ass or deteriorating when in tow, he blames everyone else for how poorly received he is when he's being Unlovely.  

He starts becoming Cross with everyone and everything, he has yelled at Rocks!  ROCKS!!!  *LMAO on the Inside, since if I LOL on the Outside, it upsets him all the more.*  It becomes ridiculous and absurd, but he gets sensitive and defensive about it.  In the end, if he doesn't pull it together, I just have to tell him to knock it off or I'm taking him Home and then leaving again without him.  It's like when you tell Kids misbehaving, "Don't make me have to turn this Car around and take you back Home!"   Only he's 70 and not 7.  *Eye Roll and a Grin*

I bought some pre-made Hyde & Eek Line of Sugar Cookies at Target while we were picking up the short list of Supplies we'd run out of.  They were not on the List of coarse, but they were Cute and I don't Bake, nor have the Skillset for this level of Holiday Decorating of a Cookie.   There were Two sets of the Four different Cookie Designs and individually wrapped for freshness.  I ate a Ghost one, very soft and delish, but Sweet enuf that polishing off a whole one for me took eating it in stages over a period of time.

I Love everything about the Season of Autumn and it's Holidays, my Favorite time of the Year.   The Weather was much Cooler for the day since we had storms and wind off and on, but it felt really good.  You could drive with the Windows down and not need the Air Conditioner on in your Vehicle.  Which was handy and pleasant since I had to do a lot of commuting this day, too much commuting, especially with a Cranky Old Man insisting on being in tow.  *LOL*  He starts out with a flourish and then fades at the Gate.  I'm ditching him Tomorrow to attend my Halloween Event in the East Valley after I drop the Kiddos off at School.

It will be Princess T's actual Birthday Day, but she told me she doesn't intend nor want to do anything Special for it.  Only just make sure I get back in time to pick her up after School, since she doesn't want to Walk Home on her Birthday.  *LOL*  Well, that's a Simple enough request that I can Honor.   So, I'll hit Opening Day and just not stay that long and ensure I get in the Checkout Line early on if I find anything I can't live without.   If it's a really good Show, I can always go back on one of the other Three Days and spend more time there.   The Grandchild will be in Prescott with Timmy's Family at their Cabin all Weekend, they leave on Friday after School lets out.

I'm glad she had something Special to do with her Bestie over her Birthday Weekend.  I'm glad Timmy's Family invited her to go on their Weekend Getaway Vacay with them at their Cabin.  I'd told her she could invite some Friends over and I'd buy Pizza and Wings on her actual Birthday, but she wasn't sure she wanted to do that or entertain more than a single person.  She's like that, she'd rather just do something Special with One Friend than with several.  Timmy was her choice and she said no need to do something Thursday, since Friday thru Sunday with him will be Enough togetherness time.  *LMAO*

And she Likes him, so that gives you some sense of how much LESS Time she wants to spend with anyone else.  *Bwahahaha*  It's not that people don't Like her or want to be Friends, they do, she just doesn't like to spend time with Groups and most Teens are very Social Creatures... and... she's so NOT!  *LOL*   Even her Besties know that if they wanna hang out with more than just her, pick some other time to spend with her then, she'll Opt Out if other people are involved.  She's just not interested in Group activities at all, she loathes them in fact.

So, I'm Free to do whatever until she gets out of School... and it's very likely after I pick her up after School, the day will be barely Celebratory in any meaningful way if she has her choice about it.  *LOL*  She got her Gift Money from me early, she'll get her Gift Money from everyone else that day, she'll be leaving for her Special Getaway up North by Friday Afternoon, so she is Golden.   She didn't want a Cake and she doesn't do Ice-Cream since she's Lactose intolerant.  She'd rather have Cash than Gifts she might not want or need and she definitely never wants a Party.


This would be her likely Expression if she had to endure a Party, even her own.  *LOL*   Most of her Besties know not to Invite her to their Birthday Parties and just Invite her over to an After-Birthday-Party, with just her and them doing something Special together instead.   Anyway, if that's what she wants, no fanfare for her 17th Birthday, so be it, I'm Good with that too.  *LOL*   Her Mom was going to try to be insistent on doing something More, something Birthday Special... since she's missed all the previous Birthdays.  But Princess T shut her down and said, "I'd rather NOT, so let's not and just say we did..." *Bwahahaha*   So the whole Mani-Pedi Thing together again, was nixed for now.

I explained to The Daughter that it's not Personal, it's just how the Kid is.  To Respect that and her Daughter's Wishes, Honoring them, is the best Support System of accepting someone as they just are.   Most Holidays are like that for both of The G-Kid Force, Holidays and Special Occasions almost Overwhelm them and it's Sensory Overload.  So, usually they don't want a big Ta-Do about Birthdays or Christmas, keep it Simple and Low Key, and they prefer it that way.   Sometimes they didn't want to do things Traditionally at all and we adapted Holidays and Special Occasions accordingly for them.

In fact, I've become quite Masterful at Adaptation and Improvisation, we don't HAVE to do anything the Traditional way at all.  Whatever works for the Family is what we just do, regardless if nobody else does it that way or has other expectations.    Anyway, I revel in my Holidays and Special Occasions in my own way too and often on my own Time, so I don't force anyone else to participate if they'd rather not.   The Man is not that much into Holidays or Special Occasions any more than the Kiddos aren't... we could skip or ignore most of them and they wouldn't mind.    The Son and The Daughter are very much like that too, so I'm actually the Anomaly in this Family.  *Ha ha ha*

They all know how much I look forward to and get into it all, so they just let me go off and do My Thing to enjoy it as I want to or need to.   I don't know if it was a Full Moon or what, but both The Young Prince and Allen were Testy this day also, so it wasn't just The Man.  So, I need a Me Day to Escape them all and get back to Center.  So that I'll be Centered and not have their countenances rob me of my Joy and Peace.  *LOL*   The Young Prince and Allen got the Denial/Rejection Letter from Social Security and I inadvertently opened it when I was plowing thru the thick stack of Mail.   Oops, wasn't Intentional, I don't open other people's Mail on purpose ever.  But they got pissy about it.  Oy vey.

I feel they were pissy mostly becoz he got Denied and should have been a shoo in for being Approved.  So now they have to go thru the whole hassle and stress of the Appeals Process and/or hire Legal Representation to fight the decision.   If they hope to prevail, I think they should Lawyer Up and find a Firm that will do it on a Contingency.  But, they should be prepared for even that Process to drag on, perhaps for Years.   Social Security Disability is not a matter of if you should Qualify based on Need and Legitimacy of your Claim, just if you can endure and Survive during The Process of Denials and Appeals successfully. 

This is why you see so many Seriously Disabled People sitting on Park Benches in the Rain and forsaken, with not even the most Humane conditions being met at all.   Most Domestic Animals would receive better treatment and Services to ensure their Survival and Humane Treatment.   If the most Marginalized and Disadvantaged Adult Seriously Disabled folks didn't have Kinfolk as a Safety Net, providing what they need, and Advocating on their behalf, they're absolutely screwed.  And basically nobody much Cares and is indifferent to their Suffering and Neglect by The System.  It's mostly considered a Social inconvenience and burden to Society to provide for them at all.

To Families no longer Legally required to provide everything for a Seriously Disabled Adult Child, or not in a position to, even if they want to, it creates incredible Hardship on them also.   I cannot provide the Medical, Mental Health and Dental Insurance that Disabled Adult Children require.  And they require a LOT of it, due to extent of Disability, especially if they never will get better or worsen.  It's prohibitive cost, especially if you have no Coverage, is daunting and often not doable without Bankrupting the Average American Family.    One Catastrophic Accident, Injury, Lifetime Disability or Long-Term Illness can wipe out most people who have no Insurance or are Underinsured.

Social Services is even Denying Medical and Mental Health Coverage, which is what The Grandson is only trying to receive, at the very least.   He has no income or way of supporting himself or providing the basics on his own either, they don't Care.   They haven't Cared for a very long time, so this is not New.   Their Assessment Process is so bogus that it's disgraceful.  I wouldn't be Surprised if they don't pay their Doctors more to find ways to Deny Applicants or outright ignore Evidence of Legitimate Claims?   The Grandson has a thick file folder full of Documentation, Evidence and Professional Assessments of Disability by Non-Government hired SSI Docs, since the Age of 7 thru Age 22, it apparently accounts for nothing.


When Help and Care is Denied, and someone worsens due to Neglect and intentional Indifference, to the point of a Situation or Catastrophe, is really the only way an Applicant ever gets on the Radar for potential Approval.   They will fast track some shit once everything goes Sideways, but usually it has to reach that Crisis and Breaking point before they even try to.   I know... been there, done that... the Cavalry ain't coming until it goes Bad.   And it's all Good... until it goes Bad, you know?   So the whole cluster fuck of it all angers me.   But, whaddya gonna do?   I can't change Systems that are so broken.   And, until it's them, most people don't wanna know and have complete Apathy...

Yeah, I know, I'm a Ray of fucking Sunshine right about now, since my Grandson went Off about the Denial Letter being opened accidentally by me.  And I knew his Anger was just projection and not about me at all, or the mistake of opening the Letter that I didn't intend to open of his by accident.   He needed to Vent and he was upset and feeling unworthy of receiving any basic Humanity at all.  As if he isn't even a valued Human Being at all by Society or the Agencies allegedly designed and funded to provide Services to people in his situation... but find reasons not to.  If he didn't have Allen... and us... he knows he'd be unable to Survive.  And that's some Scary shit at any Age.

Allen is Aware that once they move out on their own again, he loses the Backup Caregiving he has for our Grandson, and that Scares him too.  He has to Work to provide for them and yet leaving The Grandson alone most of the day is something that does concern him.   The Grandson does fairly well if he's in a Safe place to be, but having Paranoid Schizophrenia also means he doesn't always FEEL Safe even if he IS Safe.   And, to be Fair, they haven't always been able to find Safe places to Be on account of the extent of our Grandson's Disability. 

  Going in and out of Institutions has been a struggle too.  Since Severely Mentally Ill people often end up being Warehoused in Penal or Mental Institutions off and on due to the Nature of their Illness and how it manifests.  Neither of those Institutions is necessarily the Safest or most Appropriate Placement to be, which goes without saying.   The Daughter has been kicked out of most Jails and Mental Health Facilities on both sides of the Border... they find it very difficult to Deal with her when she's at her worst.   She said in Mexico, most of the Police and Federales look the other way and pretend not to even see her, so they don't have to pick her up for sometimes being Crazy in Public.

The Grandson has had many a bad experience when inappropriate Placement has been mandated by The System, ill equipped to Deal with him appropriately or Humanely.   So, I do worry about him constantly... and his Mom... and know they're Safest with us, but that it's an incredible responsibility to shoulder all of the time for us.   We need The System to step up and Qualify them for what they should be receiving and not withhold it based on bogus bullshit tactics used to Disqualify legitimate Applicants.   And cause Families Hardship and Miseries they don't need, since it's already hard enough to Cope, Keep it Together and Hold it Down.

 We're not the Lone Rangers or being Singled Out either, ask any Family with a Seriously Disabled Adult what Hoops they're expected to jump thru all the time, it's like a fucking never ending Circus Act for the Amusement of I don't know Who!?  So, Yeah, I'm Cynical and hardened, who wouldn't be?   And I do have a Bad Attitude now and don't really Care whose Heads have to Roll to get Results.  But, you do get battle weary after a long time of going to War and being on the Warpath to protect the Rights of Loved Ones and ensure their Well Being.  I'm tired and fed up and have nothing to lose by going Hard now when I need to.

The Daughter and I Shared this tiny slice of Divine Cheesecake to drown out some recent Stressors.   Isn't it a thing of Beauty?  We had a lot of inappropriate Laughs Gallow's Humor Style about which of us should probably go in to the next SSI Appeals Appointment with The Young Prince and Allen?   Since clearly they're getting blown off.   If their Offices are still on the Upper Floors, she's been known to want to throw a Bad Caseworker out the fucking 3rd Story Window if they Trigger her Ass.   I've been known to have all of Security need to be Called when they're jerking one of my Loved Ones around as if they don't matter.   Oh, Hell to the NO!   I have absolutely no problem going back to Psyche Lockdown again... she has no problem going back to Prison.

  If we go in Together as a Tag Team, no telling how Interesting things might get?!  Needless to say, Allen and The Grandson would rather we NOT get involved... yet... it might not be Helpful???  *Bwahahaha*   Plus, The System really hates to be challenged with the Prospectus of what it would Cost them a Month to replace me as an Unpaid Caregiver. Should they require me to be Warehoused for a while and take a nice little State Funded Vacay in some Institution.   My last Visit to Psyche Lockdown was the closest thing to a Vacation I'd had in Years, it was quite recuperative, I got a lot of Sleep in that I was lacking as a Full Time Caregiver at Home.

 The last Prospectus done about 7-8 Years ago, when that little Visit happened, calculated it would cost them around Sixty Grand a Month to replace me with Paid Caregivers on their Dime.  Not Counting the Cost of my Care, which I ain't paying for, I wouldn't Care if they ever got Paid and told them so, fuck 'em .   Yes... prohibitive, I'm quite a Bargain being Unpaid and they know it.  They appreciate that more when they might have to start picking up the Real Tab and finding Placements.  Sometimes they literally have no Placements and then they are shitting Kittens as to what to do with everyone?!   Nobody really wants the Hard Cases crossing their Desks and making the final decisions with their Names on it... huge Liability... potential for Seriously Bad PR Media Coverage.

  The Daughter once told them at the Hospital that she'd have Family bring her Suitcases, coz she couldn't Pay, so she was Moving In permanently.  She meant it.  They released her immediately and never billed anybody.  They didn't ever want her coming back... she put the Fear of God in them getting comfortable and not wanting to ever leave, go figure!   Yes, she's Madder than a March Hare, my Girl!  *LMAOROTF*  And, I ain't gonna Lie, I'm probably no longer so tightly Wrapped myself now... or so I'm told.  *Winks*

And I'd intend to be the most expensive burden I could become if they wanna go that Route with me, you really don't Care anymore when they've given you nothing to lose.   She has always not Cared, she knows how poorly she has been treated by broken Systems, so Paybacks are a Motherfucker.  Pay now or pay later, and later would cost ever so much more.   See, Bad Attitudes, huh?  *Winks*   A really tough day of Caregiving will do that to ya, even if you were really intent on having Sunrays shooting out of your Ass and the Joy or Love of Jesus in your Heart.  *Bwahahahaha* 

Hey, what Fresh Hell could anyone possibly come up with that would rival any of this shit, so don't threaten me with a good time@!  It ain't all Buttercups, Rainbows and Unicorn Farts, being Ringmaster of this Circus, that's for sure.   This Three Ring Circus has been a Show on the Road a very long time now and I'm supposed to be a Retiree, Retired, enjoying the Sunset of Life and all that.  *Ha ha ha*  I reached Caregiver Burnout Phase many Years ago you see.  So... are we having Fun yet?


Tomorrow will be a Brand New Day... And a Me Day at that... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Replies
    1. Thank You my Friend, I know you have a point of reference and understand the worries, I needed to just let off some steam about how frustrating it still is. Some things haven't improved over several generations, and that's definitely one of them.


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl