Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Napping -vs- Working

 I didn't go in to Work on Friday Night, I was not feeling 100%, a combo of Fatigue that was Physical and Emotional, and probably Diabetic fluctuations too.  Some Days stabilizing the Diabetes just doesn't work no matter what you do.  I know when my Body and Mind is telling me Napping -vs- Working as a decision should fall on the side of NOT Working and pushing myself.  So, it was one of those Nights and I just Slept instead, feeling better having had more Rest.  The Man had called me in as Sick, so they would have time for a Replacement to be found, well... mebbe.  People just don't want to work those Shifts anymore during a time of COVID.  I had gotten the sense they'd be short-staffed even if I'd gone in and I couldn't have dealt with that when not feeling 100% either.

Chances are, if the whole Shift had pressed me above measure and beyond strength I would have just told them to replace me permanently.  I was in that kind of a Head Space, since a LOT has been going on lately and I HAVE to Deal with all of that, mostly involuntarily.  Yes, an Event or Two to attend helped me come back to Center and have a couple of Me Days away from other demands, but Two Days this Month apparently has not been Enough and it showed.  I have not been Sleeping well... this is not unusual for Caregivers... we never seem to get enough Sleep.  The Man is having problems with Leg Pain being severe again, yet we haven't been able to get him in to get it checked out at the VA... or to see the Cardiologist they referred him to but can't get him an Appointment for.

So, he's Restless all Night long and Sleep for him is fitful, which then translates to Sleep for me being fitful on account of that.   When he can't Sleep he does make a Production that ends up Waking me, sometimes I think it's on Purpose, coz he gets Scared when he's having Medical Issues that nothing will Help alleviate.   I think it's going to take an In-Person Confrontation again to get him moved to the front of the long line waiting for Appointments.   I'm not looking forward to more Battles with The System... I'm already thinking there may be one brewing at Princess T's High School with these COVID Outbreaks too... and me with the Jury Duty notification and getting out of that Situation.  A Battle on Three Fronts simultaneously I don't relish even the mere Thought of.

So, anyway, I Slept and tho' I felt SOMEWHAT better, I do feel Tired and Drained all of the time regardless, even if I'm doing something Enjoyable, let alone NOT Enjoyable!  Some things I don't know exactly how to Feel about, like the Grandson moving back for a while, since I want him to, but I also realize he has severe Schizophrenia and other Mental Health Issues, which is way worse than when he left Three Years ago.  If you have not lived with someone with advancing Schizophrenia along with other challenging Diagnosis, lemme tell ya, it can be a Wild Ride and each Day can be a New Adventure.  Of coarse he has a Partner now who manages him and has become his Caregiver, but also Works a full time Job and won't be Home a lot.

 So this means The Grandson was alone a lot, which he likes.   For those with extreme SMI, especially if they can no longer take Psychotropics due to Physical Health complications to Manage their Conditions, Isolating is preferable, since Dealing with other people can be real hard.  So, Transitioning to being around a House Full of People will be a Process for him.  And for us, since... those I'm Caregiver of here have their Sensory Overload Issues and Mood Regulation Issues too.   I have not Forgotten what it is like to have the Three in the Home who require Full Time Caregiving and Finesse to Manage.  Sometimes their Disabilities are Harmonious, sometimes they Clash.  I'm the one with the Striped Shirt and Whistle Refereeing when anyone might not be getting along and playing well with others.

The Young Prince and I talked candidly of that, he is not Unaware of the Nature of his Illness, the Severity of it, or of how Challenging his Episodes are on those he Loves.  Slowly he knows it's deteriorating and he does Fear the very real possibility that he could switch to not having such Awareness and then Anxiety sets in about everyone Abandoning him if it gets to be too Hard for any or all of us.   There may be some of you who Believe Loved Ones should or could be Ride or Die no matter how Bad it gets, that's a delusion of your own.  At some points you may or may not be able to meet a deteriorating Loved One at their Point of Need... and yet, Options can be slim to nonexistent.  Or parsed out to a Lucky few like Lottery Winnings, the Odds are about the same as Winning the Lottery actually.  No, I take that back, I could probably Win the Lottery easier!  *Eye Roll*

  So, that is a lot of Pressure and I try to Imagine that everything will flow swimmingly and there will be no Trouble in Paradise and nothing will just turn on a Dime and Circle the Drain with any Loved One.   Of coarse we're Pretending, all of us, that in a Perfect World, no Catastrophes and Crisis will rock the Lifeboat we're all in and that the Titanic was such a Strong Ship that she never could Go Down.  The metaphors are clear, me being the Good Ship Titanic, holding her Precious Cargo in the trappings of trying to pull off The American Dream, while navigating Icebergs everywhere.  Some above Water and seen, others below Water and as yet unseen until you fucking hit them full on and unawares.  But you are the Captain of said Ship and you will be going down with it.

So Yeah, I hit that Invisible Wall that is always present, and you don't always see it until you hit it.   So, going in to Work, when Management had already called me in complete Confusion that Day earlier, and asked me could I Work a Shift and cover for someone, that I'm already Scheduled to Work, meant potential Drama and a Headache there.   I'm all stocked up on both here, so, since there is no Calling in Absent here, I had to be Called in Absent there, only Option.  *LOL*  Trust me, all Co-Workers, however few or many of them that did show up for the Night Shift and not bail too, will Thank me for NOT coming in when I'm in a Fragile Head Space and trying to Hold it together until something or someone Triggers me.  *Winks*

There could be a Minefield of potential Triggers, especially when I already know they'd have to find some unknown Co-Worker to cover the Shift for someone else already out with a Bad Case of The Rona and Hospitalized Weeks now.  That's like playing Russian Roulette and not taking a Bullet or taking one for the Team.   No Thanks, scenes from the Ole' 1978 Vietnam Movie "Deer Hunter" Russian Roulette clip come instantly to Mind.  *LOL*  Let us just say I Carefully and Mindfully choose my Battles Wisely now.   There are just some Hills that I choose NOT to Die on now.  Hyperbole concerning Work, perhaps some, but last Shift had an Incident, that if repeated, would mos' def Trigger me and cause a Situation... and I LIKE that Co-Worker, but what they pulled did piss me off regardless. 

You see, I can LIKE you, even LOVE you, but if you pull some shit, we're still gonna have us a Situation.  *Winks*  And there are people I can be Friends with, but not Work well with, depending on their Work Ethic or lack thereof, and Habits that I just don't wanna Deal with in a Working Environment.  I am definitely NOT that long suffering Co-Worker that will cover or make excuses for your Ass.  You know, when you're fucking up, Lazy or don't give a damn about the Job you are being compensated to do and adds more workload to Moi, because you are slacking or not up to the Job.  My stance is, do everyone a Favor and just stay the fuck Home.   You see, I did, when I knew I was not 100%... because we'd all suffer for it if I did not.  Either that or do something you ARE up to.

Speaking of things that got fucked up, the Antique Mall in the Far East Valley did find my missing items they forgot to give me and I Paid for, it was a whole Bag of about Fifty Bucks worth of Merchandise.   In fact, when I called they instantly knew who I was and said an Employee ran out to the Parking Lot when they realized what had happened, to intercept me, but it was too late.   Dammit, wish they'd discovered it in time before I pulled away, would save me the trouble and inconvenience of having to go back.  Which is exactly what I will now have to do, with no Timeline, they'll Hold it for as long as I need them to, but I won't wait too long lest I fucking Forget I have pre-paid Stuff languishing there now!  *Le Sigh*  

The more I thought about insisting they Mail it, the more I didn't Trust the Post Office not to fuck up things further and lose the whole Order.   At least I know it's Safe, there... and even has my Name on it now.   I'm a Regular, so Staff knows me on Sight and often by Name, so it shouldn't be a hassle to just pick it up next time I'm in.   The Man even suggested going this Weekend would be another Me Day I desperately need... and he could be Right.  *LOL*   Gives me an Excuse at least for a return to a Halloween Event that was thoroughly enjoyable... well, except for the Missing Merch part.  *Smiles*  He wants to join me this time and I don't know if Princess T will opt to tag along too, so it won't exactly be a Me Day, but it could still be a Fun Day.

Not to mention, I could procure more Eye Candy for ya here in The Land of Blog to Post, so no downside to that.   Overdosing on Eye Candy is a nice way to Go.  *Winks*    Speaking of ways to Go, because I'm Home from Work and not Feeling 100%, so as not to be Outdone, The Man has been making quite the Production that Evening of Feeling MORE Unwell than me.  For the Attention Factor I suppose, so he's having Coughing Fits which I'm sure he's Exaggerating for The Effect... to the Point Princess T went from Alarmed to Rolling her Eyes Dramatically because Honestly, at some point it's just ridiculously Pantomime!  After we all finally Walk Away he quits the exaggerated Choking and Coughing episode.

Well, of coarse I get Mad at him when he lays it on so thick, because if I say I'm calling 911 he can instantly Dial it way the fuck Back.   So, usually when he's carrying on and I'm pretty sure he's not really in extreme Crisis, I SAY I'm Calling 911 and don't just do it so he'll just Stop.  My protocol if I felt it was a Real Emergency Situation would be just to hit the Phone with a 911 without hesitation.   Otherwise we'd have the goddamned Ambulance or Fire and Rescue here all the time responding to exaggerated Emergencies and when a Real one happened perhaps they'd think he was Crying Wolf again... me too?   

Gauging his Attention Seeking TBI Behaviors from the Real Deal can be dicey, but whaddya gonna do... I mean, Sweet Baby Jesus, Caregiving 101 doesn't have an actual Manual and Instructions that comes with it, you're Winging It and Flying by the Seat of your Pants Daily.   Irresistible Isaac is over, because he's basically a Fixture here now, but he is "New", so he doesn't know what to do when Princess T and I are responding to Grandpa's histrionics.   I'm sure he's come to the conclusion that the Inmates are running the Asylum here, he is an Intelligent and Capable Young Man.   But he seems comfortable and At Home here anyway, so his Home Life might even be Crazier, I dunno?  *LOL*

 I mean, he IS just Rolling with it in rather a Calm and unflappable demeanor and all!   As Princess T Deadpans matter of fact and says, "Excuse me a Minute, my Grandpa could be Dying... or NOT... we're just never sure..."  *Bwahahahaha*  She can barely remember "Old" Granpa before his Brain Injury and Catastrophic Accident now, it's been so long, so this is Our Normal, which isn't Normal at all of coarse by any stretch of the Imagination.    The good thing is, when The Young Prince and his Partner move in temporarily by the end of next Month, I'll have more Backup.   Since Irresistible Isaac is always here, that will be Three Grown Young Men in da House to assist me if things go completely Sideways with The Man, which is a little bit Comforting actually.

I was very Impressed with how Allen Manages The Young Prince when he's unraveling with a severe Mental Health Episode, but then again, his Partner has gone to actual War when he was Active Duty.   So, Allen is unflappable and capable too, not to mention strong as an Ox, so if I can't lift someone off the Floor, when it's become an "I've Fallen and I can't get Up" situation, he can, always Handy.  *LOL*   In fact, he did some actual Caregiving gigs on the side, so he's well versed in the Caregiver role you must assume the position of when necessary.    When I was discussing Grandpa's deterioration, The Young Prince suggested it might be time to get his Grandpa some Medicinal MJ if nothing else is working and we don't wanna go the way of Addictive Western Meds again for the Pain Management especially? 

The VA's stance on Medicinal MJ is that they can't prescribe it since Federally it's not Legal, but if you seek it, they don't punish the Disabled G.I.'s anymore either.  The Opiod Epidemic that the VA was instrumental in furthering, made it so that Pain Management now is just something most Veteran Families don't Trust entirely.  I sure don't, it made too many Addicts of the seriously Disabled Loved Ones, Old Soldiers seeking Relief from Chronic and debilitating Pain and Agony, both Mental and Physical, often War related.   We went down that treacherous Path with them handing out Opiods like Tic-Tacs and then you had a whole other layer of Caregiver Issues to Deal with when your Loved One became strung out on the Rx Meds, had to be then Detoxed, just like any other Junkie.

If you have someone whose been Trained and was highly Experienced Special Forces with a Skill Set where they can easily Kill someone Hundreds of different ways quite efficiently, it's just not Safe to have them strung out with Drug induced Paranoia and extreme PTSD, where they're no longer tethered to Reality, just sayin'!   When I hear of some Disabled Veteran going Postal, I often Wonder what part the VA played in the whole Saga with what was done to them, or neglected to be done FOR them?  Or their Families.   People assume it's all taken Care of and covered... very often, it is NOT.   Especially for the Enlisted and their Families... for Officers and their Families, Services seem better Covered from what I'm told by Officer's Wives anyway, they're living a whole different Reality than ours.  Good for them, Sucks for the Enlisted and Families tho', but Life ain't Fair, otherwise Bras wouldn't come in Sizes.

I should have called this the Piss N Whine Post huh?  *LMAO*  Oh well, at least ya'll got some Pretty Pictures, so there's THAT!  *winks*   I sure had Fun doing the Pathological Picture Taking, I'm in The Zone when doing Photography or Art, or Writing a Blog Post.   I know that Blogging will become Seriously interrupted when The Young Prince and his Partner move in and occupy this Room, so I'm bracing for some withdrawal I'll have to go thru, Posting less.  Having this be my Private Retreat Space to Escape to when I need to.  When I had that Friend living with us for Six Months Plus, when she was displaced and Homeless, at Villa Boheme', having any House Guest long term, be it Family or Friends, is disruptive to your usual Routine.   We like our usual Routines and Rituals around here.  *LOL*

Establishing new ones to be inclusive of whoever is now in the Household, for however long their Stay will be, is Transitional for us all.   When Adult Kids have lived on their own for Years, it's hard for them to move back Home again.  So they usually do want their own place again as soon as they can manage it and be Independent again.   I am adaptive and improvisational enough, had to be, but I know it will be a Process each and every time something significantly changes under our Roof.   Adding people during a Pandemic is risky too of coarse, multi-generational households are already at higher than average risk and disadvantage.   I'm going to inquire about Qualifications for Boosters for The Man and I... I'm gonna go hard to try to get ours and extend our layer of protection, which is just about run out really from when we got our Vaxxes.   Months of staggered Qualifying last time was a Bitch for one Family spanning several Age Qualifying Factors!

I think we're up to over 2,000 Americans Dying horribly Daily now, up from 200 a Day just Weeks ago, that's not looking so Promising, is it?   I'm not great with Math, but clearly that's exponential increase at staggering compounded rates, which will continue... and if that rate keeps compounding upon itself in briefer Time increments... Holy Shit... Mayday Mayday!   With Deaths per 100,000 Citizens, Arizona ranks 6th in the Nation, which is very bad!   We're 11th in Total Deaths from COVID, still not good, but far behind Cali, Texas, New York and Florida, which are abysmal in staggering number of Total Deaths!   In Florida over 300 people a Day are succumbing, we're at about 52 in Arizona, which is still a lot each Day.   I mean, the entire Country is Code Red in Community Transmission now... yet many are still Pretending like it's Over or no Big Deal!  Well, 'til it's them!

I got this Book of Halloween Collectibles at the Antique Mall and can't wait to peruse it and get an inkling of what's out there and loosely base Value on what I already have in my Collections.  It's not a New Book and so Price Guides could be way off and subject to Change without Notice, as it is with all Collectibles.   I know my Paper Mache' Jack O'Lanterns from the 1920-1940 Eras have increased in price dramatically from when I bought mine.   Now they're out of my League so I'm glad I got my Collection fleshed out while they were still affordable, tho' they've never been plentiful, ever.   If I've managed to unpack and find all of mine, I've got Six so far after all these Years of Collecting them.

Even Online Bidding is Fierce with the ones that look legit, too many Online look Suspect to me as being Repops being passed off, either intentionally or unintentionally, as The Real Deal.   Yes, they are making Reproductions that look very nice now Mass Production can replicate some Popular Vintage Halloween Looks of the Past.   But even those are now costing what the Real Deal cost me Years ago, so I won't bite at Investing that much in a Repop, but people are, to each his own I guess.   I do trawl the Online Auctions to see whatssup?   I liked how this Seller Staged their Jack O'Lantern up for Bid, many of the best and rarest had multiple bidders with Days still left on the Auction.   I couldn't be a Player, nor a Serious Contender, with competition that Stiff and Pockets that Deep.


I recently threw my Hat in the Ring for a Collectible that I knew was a Steal at the Opening Bid, of coarse it ended up surpassing my Modest ability to be a Contender and I didn't Win it.  But, I didn't actually expect to, tho' it Sold for far less than actual Value, so somebody got a Fabulous Deal on it.   I recognized the Bidder, they've Outbid me before on that same Line of Collectible and she's clearly got deeper Pockets and is willing to go higher than I could or would either.  Once she's throw her Hat into the Ring, I don't even bother, I Tap Out.  I'm not one to get snarky and run up Bids, plus that's a Risky dirty tactic for anyone to Play at Auctions.  I like it when someone Drops it on them and they've clearly overbid and never intended to Win it, just cost someone else more to be Spiteful.  *Ha ha ha, Bad Karma is a Bitch, isn't she?!  I Love that about her!*


Blessings, Love, Light, Peace, Wellness and a Happy Autumn be Yours... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Your granddaughter has quite a way with words. I wonder where she gets that from. LOL

    1. Yeah, I know, the Apple didn't fall far from the Trees, did it? *LOL* Today she was on about Dress Code and how biased it was that Girl's can't even show their Shoulders, and she didn't see how a Shoulder is Sexualized? Yet, Boys can wear those saggy Pants that are down below their Underwear, which is not only vulgar, but distracting and Crass, yet they don't get Dress Coded. She got Dress Coded for showing about an inch of her Navel/Belly, since her Belly Piercing is still Healing. She got into an argument with the Teacher asking why Boys can get away with showing their whole Ass and NOT get Dress Coded, but the Modesty factor for Girls is ridiculously extreme and archaic? *LOL* I could just hear that debate in my Head as she told me why she was so upset when I picked her up from School. *Ha ha ha, she has valid points.*

  2. It sounds like you have your hands full on several fronts.

    1. Indeed I do, but then again, I have for a long time so we just Roll with it. Sometimes I even succeed in keeping things together and holding it all down. *winks*

  3. Hi! I read through your whole blog and you cover so many issues that I don't know what to comment on. But I choose to say that I hope you are feeling better. You have a lot on your plate... and apparently more to come. I can see how blogging can help... venting is therapeutic
    (at least I've always found it to be so).

    1. Oh yeah, Rian, Blogging is way Cheaper than Therapy. *winks* I find it to be a nice way to put my Thoughts out here and release them. After doing so, I always Feel ever so much better even if I never actually Solved anything. *Ha ha* Talking about the Issues of Life does have it's therapeutic benefits for sure, that's why Therapists and Shrinks get paid so much to Listen and not really Solve anything you go to them for... they are the Listeners when people need to be Heard.

  4. Hi there. Love all of the Halloween decor photos. Hope you are feeling a little better and your plate isn't as full. Take care of yourself.

    1. I'm feeling somewhat better, that Booster shot hurt more afterwards that I remember the initial 2 Vaccines being, I felt more Tired too afterwards, but nothing really bad, just fatigue and a VERY sore Arm. I'm becoming such a Wimp in my Old Age apparently? *LOL* The Plate is always rather full, but most of the time it's not spilling over the sides. *Ha ha ha*


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl