Friday, July 12, 2019

Existential Worries

"Existential Worries"... I borrowed that phrase for the Blog Post Title Today from another Blog's Comment on the worries of running out of Money.  It's not just a concern for the Seniors on fixed incomes apparently, Living has become more and more expensive for the Average People, of which we are many and probably the Majority of Humanity.  I simply do not know how the less fortunate survive at all, unless they receive assistance in practically every aspect of Life?!?  Our Air Conditioning Repair is going to set us back $700 more than we already paid out to the first Two incompetent Techs the Home Warranty people sent out! 

 So we're well into the Thousands now for a fucking leaky Coil that mebbe should have cost $200 out of pocket!   So I'm scrambling to find a way to cover and pay for $700 we don't have now!  *Le Sigh* Fighting with the Warranty Company has proved to be futile, even tho' the burgeoning expense of what should have been a simple relatively inexpensive repair, had it been done right initially or even the 2nd time, is their fault!  Shouldn't take paying 3 Techs from 3 different Companies to fix ONE fucking easily fixable problem!   Tech No. 3 found the Leak in like 10 Minutes of being in the Attic and had the Wisdom to know it needed Replacement, not half-assed attempts at Repairs or ignoring it would just keep leaking toxic shit into our Attic Space!

 Sorry-Not Sorry for the profane F-Bombs, I NEED to let it fly right now, I'm Mad as Hell and I don't want to take it anymore!  I'm having tightness in my Chest tho' so this Post is a Coping Mechanism to de-stress some rather than be so distressed!  MUST keep Medical expense at a minimum and not Stroke Out from the Stress... right?!?  I will be Contesting everything with Warranty Co. tho', once I get my 2nd Wind and put my War Paint on... they don't wanna become my next Obsession to take Down, Trust me, I don't Fight Fair and I excel at being that Mental Customer they have Nightmares about!

Weeping Buddha is appropriate right now, I'm trying to just Breath, Maintain a semblance of Calm and think about what I can hock fast to come up with almost a Grand more on The Fly before the Tech comes out with that necessary part and even more Freon?!?  The Man and I had very good, long and successful Careers, but we are Average people now Retired, who did Thankfully earn decent enough Pensions with our demanding lengthy Careers, that combined, can provide quality of Life that is Good.   Sans his Pension and Disability Pension tho', were I not a Married Woman, I'd be hard pressed on just mine, so I know many Single People are struggling without combining income with someone else to afford to sustain what they have.

   I think most of the reason I simply cannot properly enjoy Villa Boheme' is the fear of sustaining it dominates my thoughts constantly.  It becomes a Money Pit with the very Maintenance of it and things constantly breaking down even with some Home Warranty Coverage.  Some things they cover 100% but you never really know what they'll dump on you for out of pocket expenses!?  Better than no Warranty or Insurance at all tho'... much like our Health Care System!  You can't afford to get Sick and they do little to Help you Keep Well either, as you Age that becomes yet another hurdle that is a Given.  A Body this Old and a Mind this Old is bound to have things begin to break down, I've accepted and embraced that part of it... just not the financial strain and worry that causes.

I've been Homeless once and so I suspect that experience made me adamant I never want to revisit that scenario again.  Running out of Money for what you NEED, isn't something First World People think you should have to worry about, America isn't a 3rd World Country YET... we could be on our way tho' with incompetent Leadership?!   Besides, losing everything and starting over at this Season of Life would be way more challenging than it was then in my Youth, where I felt anything was possible, but in Good ways!  *LOL*  Now I have much more to lose and I'm at that Season of Life where I am more cynical and feel anything is possible, but in not so Good ways!   The shift in perspective tends to come with Aging and knowing more about what COULD happen I suppose?  You're not as naive as in Youth.

Not wanting to become a burden to Younger Loved Ones also becomes a Primary objective with the Aging Process.  I want The Man and I to have our shit together sufficiently that we don't have to ask the Adult Kids or Adult Grandkids to take care of our Needs or not be able to live Independently.   Most Younger People are having a difficult enough time in this day and age to be taking care of their own Needs without asking for Help from their Elders!  Multi-Generational Living is becoming more Popular out of basic Necessity nowadays though.  Kids Helping Ailing Elderly Parents... Elderly Parents Helping Grown Kids, it's a vicious Modern Day Cycle that seems perpetual nowadays.

Depending upon what part of the Country you happen to Live, Owning a Home and Maintaining and Sustaining that Home is becoming out of the reach of the Average person.  Most of us are Average I suspect, I know we are.  In our part of the Country, where Tourism is huge, Rentals are almost MORE expensive than Owning a Home, so that is not a Solution for more Affordable Living around here!   You will pay way more per Square Foot to Rent than to Own, so if you can qualify for a Home you don't wanna risk losing it and having to become a Renter again at the Mercy of what a Landlord dictates charging!

It used to be Fixer Uppers abounded for the folks Needing Affordable Housing and willing to put that Sweat Equity into it.  I have the capacity to Live in a mess for a very long time, so I was never intimidated by the condition of any Home we bought to fix up and make habitable.  In fact, the Old Historic Homestead was Condemned when we bought it and not habitable initially!  We lived like Gypsies in the Driveway for Months, in a Pop-Up Coleman Camper, during an Arizona Summer, with the Salvation Army Church next door tossing a hose over the Wall to provide running Water for us.   We survived just Fine, we're hardy folks.  We can and have Roughed it, it's not so bad.  I can get used to Lack in some areas of Life and endure incredible hardships to survive.

In fact, The Son was only 13 back then, so he and The Man felt it was like Camping and they Love Camping, so there was no downside for the Guys.  *LOL*  But we had a deadline of getting into that House by early August, since that was also the Year that The Young Prince was Born and we'd become Custodial Grandparents with Kinship Placement of a Newborn Grandchild to raise!   His first Crib was actually in one of the Kitchens, since we'd fixed up Bathrooms and Kitchens first, so they were the only partially restored rooms at the time of his Birth!  CPS Caseworkers still Blessed the Mess, which is Why I found it totally ironic that 15 Years later The Adoption Caseworkers wouldn't and the Home was WAY more Restored by then!  Go figure!

But now Affordable Housing is completely a thing of the Past... even the wrecks and ruins of Homes are expensive since Flippers/Investors/Developers are buying up all the Deals and paying Cash.  Most Average folks cannot compete with a Cash Only Sale, most Average folks don't pay off their Mortgage on the first Day of Home Ownership.  Unless of coarse they Sold Off a Mega Home with tons of Equity to Pay-Off a Lesser Home with the profits.   Used to be when you were ready to Downsize after Retirement and you'd Paid Off or almost Paid Off your Home, you'd just seek out that Affordable Retirement Pad.   It doesn't really exist so much anymore to consider buying on The Cheap!

And forget about if you require Assisted Living or a Nursing Home!  If you're a Married Couple that will mean that the Well one, who doesn't require Assistance and Caregiving outside of the Home, is going to be sitting on a Park Bench in the Rain!   It will require way more than 100% of your TOTAL income to afford Long Term Care just for ONE of you, whoever holds up longest is the most screwed therefore... and Long Term Care Insurance is ridiculously expensive, I carried it for a while until we could just no longer afford to pay the Premiums!  So, even if you're a Fanatical Planner for your Future, like I was, you might not still have it all figured out idyllically.  Because Life happens... and not always in the ways anyone can Predict with any accuracy.

Thus, I find that Existential Worries is more common than I even realized.  You tend to think you might be the only one who is Fixated with the Worry about running out of Money?   Making it more difficult to just be Mindful in the Moment and enjoy quality of Life even if you do have it in this Moment, because... how long can you SUSTAIN it becomes the Elephant in the Room?  Every time something breaks down and needs replacement or expensive repairs, I'm reminded of how close to the Edge we actually Live day to day my Friends!  It doesn't make me Feel very Secure and gets me to contemplating Back-Up Plans in the worse case scenarios so I can Live proactively rather than reactively.

Just being reactive in a Crisis doesn't give you any Options or Edge really, barely any Negotiating Power... and being the Control Freak that I just am, that doesn't set Well with me.   No... I like to explore my Options in advance of a Crisis and weigh costs, risks, benefits of each Plan of Action proactively, BEFORE it's ever reaching Critical Mass and Panic Mode!   Tho' The Man is the more pragmatic one, he is not a Forward Thinker... he is more the practical than theoretical Liver.   I probably made that word up in the context that I mean it, smiles, but I think you knew what I meant?  Being an Old Marine, he just Lives in this Moment then Adapts, Improvises and fights the Battles when and if they come.   I'm more the Battle and Problem avoider, Einstein allegedly once said that solving a Problem is Clever, but avoiding a Problem is Wiser.

Not that Problems still don't play out constantly in spite of me attempting to avoid them in as much is possible.  But I do Believe that I've avoided many Problems by being so proactive, frugal, forward thinking and intense about Planning.  Even when all the Plans get cocked up, at least I had one for a while before it got sabotaged and that somehow gave me Comfort and a Peace overall during the time it was Working!   It does give me some Comfort that I'm not the only one who has Existential Worries, lately especially!  I've felt rather like a Nut Job about how Obsessed I've personally been about providing more Security for our Family than I feel we presently have here living on The Edge.  Luxurious Edge that it is, the Free Fall from it would be a doozy if I can't find a Safe place to Land?!

I suppose I think upon Selling this luxurious Albatross of a Home all of the time because I know it could profit me to now, but just not enough to Move yet... so I'm holding on 'til the Numbers crunch more to our Favor.  And I could pay for a Moving Company and Down Payment on something else.  Yet, with the uncertainty of the State of the Nation... shit, of the World... things can turn on a dime and take a nosedive in the realm of Real Estate at any juncture actually.  Interest Rates on a switch could soar to where Saving Money wouldn't pan out even buying less House.  Right now I'm borrowing at 3% for this place, that's practically Free Money for Mortgage Interest and pays down quickly... so I'm reluctant to give that up too easily, unless I can almost Cash Out the next Buy or Borrow very little to fund it.   

The Retired Bank Exec in me is always Working the Numbers in our Favor... ALWAYS.  I'm still in my Head, working out what I can Sell Off fast to come up with $700 even as I'm Writing this... I'm halfway to the Goal and it's only been half an Hour of scheming!  Before that Tech comes back to get Paid and fix said problem, I think I can actually Pay him???  I think I can... I think I can... *LOL* How's THAT for Positive Thinking?!?  In this Age of Go Fund Me and shit... I could resort to Blanket Begging, but let us Hope it never comes to that?!  I was saddened the other day to discover another Old Friend I'd lost touch with had Died and her Widower had to do that just to pay for her final expenses, it made me Weep.  For the Loss of her, a Wonderful Soul, and the Hardship the Death clearly caused the Family financially.  People should at least be afforded the Dignity to be able to AFFORD to Die!

We Pre-Paid for our Funerals Years ago, Hopefully when it's our Time the Paid For Contracts are Honored... but ya never know?!?  The Man can make me Smile tho', with his pragmatic Outlook and Calm about worst case scenarios.   Yes, he has a significant Brain Injury, but he was pragmatic and Calm about worst case scenarios even before his Brain Damage. He makes me Believe he will still take Care of me... even tho' I know he requires Full Time Caregiving from me, that still makes me Feel Protected and Safe!  Listen, he said Yesterday, when I was once again Fixated on sustainability of Villa Boheme' after another Air Conditioning Crisis... I know you don't even Want, let alone Need, a Fancy Home.   All you really NEED is a Big ass Storage Barn for all your shit Precious Objects Hoarded and some little Shack out front of it, right?   Right, I says with conviction, since that's the absolute Truth and Yes, I AM Crazy like that folks.  *LOL*

Okay, so if everything goes to shit, we just buy some cheap raw Land, which is still available undeveloped in the harsh Desert Outlier regions.  We pay for one of those Big Tin Shed Warehouse thingies first... plumb in an Air Conditioner for comfort and live in it with your shit Precious Objects Hoarded until we can build a little House out front of it!   I Feel Calmer just having that outrageous yet viable Plan.  It was much like The Plan we had for Historic Bohemian Valhalla actually Years ago.  When our Family and Friends thought us totally Mad to Sell Off a Paid Off Property to buy it, live in a Camper with a Teenager in tow beside a Condemned Property, and get so excited about the Possibilities of it!   That's just Our Style... our Vision... to make something out of nothing.  We'd rather Rough it affordably, than Live more Luxuriously and Stressed Out about the Maintenance of it.

So, if you ever see a Future Post about me Living somewhere in the Desert in a Big Tin Shed with a Yurt out front of it being built, tricked out with Persian Rugs and Taj Mahal Style inside, while the outside is pretty damned Rough or Bare Bones Basic to pass any Building Codes... you'll know everything went to shit here... but we'll be Okay!  I've got the Great White Hunter at my side who can kill, butcher and serve up damned near anything that moves to put Food on the table.   And tho' I'm not presently eating Meat, I could once again Adapt and Improvise for a while until we got back on track to go to a Whole Foods again!  *Winks*  Yeah, I can be bougie about my vittles, what can I say??!~?!  *LMAO*  If that Big Tin Shed could happen to have a Whole Foods beside it, I'd be in 7th Heaven I tell ya!   Seriously, could it get any better than that?!? *Bwahahahahahaha!*

I mean, you can Picture it on the Canvas of your Imagination too and capture my Vision, right?!?  *Winks*


Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. You might want to go to The Better Business Bureau about the two companies that charged you for work that was not satisfactory. You can also take them to Small Claims Court.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I might just do that... and go to the local Media that expose Companies that don't do right by their Customers, Bad PR isn't something Companies want or can survive with vast exposure of their cons or poor performance.


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