Monday, June 23, 2014

One Step Forward... Three Steps Back

**Disclaimer: Difficult Read ahead... so ya might wanna just look at the pretty pictures?!**

I had Intended this Post to be the Finale' Post of the Event... but tho' I'll Share the remainder of the Lovely Images I captured thru the eye of my lens for those who come for the Beauty and Inspiration... I needed my little slice of the Land of Blog today to not just be fluff, since I'm going thru some very difficult times on a personal level.  And this is way cheaper than Therapy!

Turns of events around here are always subject to change without notice and can turn on a dime... so I have learned that I must Adapt, Cope and Improvise on the Fly.  But the perpetual one step forward and three steps back makes a Journey exceedingly long and the Hope of actually Arriving at any destination becomes a distant Fantasy at best... and at worst a grueling endless marathon of sorts with no finish line in sight and nobody to pass the baton off to.  I'm way too out of shape and at the wrong Season of Life for grueling marathons... and it's showing... I probably shouldn't even be running this one.

I had sensed that this recent Girl's Day Out may be my last one in a very long while so I Savored it.  I had missed last Month's Respite for Self due to Family Medical Emergencies unfolding... and both The Man and The Grandson have been in a constant very Fragile State of Being.   Which amps up the difficulty of Full Time Caregiving considerably since I cannot change their outcome, just deal with it as best I can and for as long as I can manage to.   Having Family Members co-exist between some who have Brain Damage and some who have Mental Illness, along with a large Generation Gap, makes each day a new Adventure!

It also makes The Princess rather Beastly because seeing Grandpa and her Big Brother struggling so much with their Medical and Mental Health Issues makes her feel very emotional and confused.  Plus the Caseworkers are suggesting she is likely an undiagnosed Bipolar Child {like that would Surprise me...}... so she can go from Zero to Rabid in the blink of an eye when the Guys wind her up!!!   And of coarse they do since neither of them is in a good head place to always get along and play well with others or not magnify trifles or fall apart during Crisis.  It also means that most of my attention and focus is upon the Guys because they're the highest maintenance people right now and there's only so much of me to go around.  This has made her act out, act up and cling to me like a fabric softner in the spin cycle of a clothes dryer going berserk!

To be sure she's been the most Helpful of late and so we've spent most of our Quality Time Working together to get what needs to be done accomplished, since the other two are too much of a Hot Mess and self absorbed right now to be participatory or involved in much of anything.   They are not presently able nor willing to be and just attempting to keep them semi-functional and out of the Hospital is often a full time job anymore.   So a lot doesn't get done.  A LOT!!!

I had girded myself with Insane levels of forced Optimism, the kind Fantasies are made of really... in an attempt to at least take one step forward and remain Positive and Sane on some levels.  Which is a Challenge in the midst of all this Negative Energy that pervades the Household and I can't completely detach and get away from since it involves people who require my full time Care.  But I've been trying... because that's all I can do.   And since a Road Trip to Colorado for some Brownies is out of the question to take the edge off.  *Winks*

So since our Antique Mall was Hosting a limited Summer Promotion on locked Cases I decided that during that brief window of Opportunity I would expand the Kingdom and rent a couple, since one would be Free until the end of September with the rental of the other for that period of time.   Half price locked Cases is a Bonus for those items that need that added layer of Security and Protection from being manhandled and stolen... and thus wouldn't be suitable for the Showrooms.

Since I do have much in the way of what I'm Editing and Purging that could be Sold via locked Cases I decided it was a low risk time to Turn those items and see how I'd do monetarily with locked Case Rental?   With The Man's perpetual Medical Costs from the Accident still rolling in like a Tidal Wave and not being totally covered by the Insurances, I needed some more streams of income flow to try to keep the Budget of a Fixed Income solvent and the bills paid on time.

Even tho' I view Collection Calls as a great form of Free Therapy that HAS to listen to why things are a disaster, and on the Lender's dime no less... I don't really have the time to stay on the phone for the hours it would take in telling them our woes and delaying payment for as long as I can.  I'm spending way too much time battling Insurance Companies to Pony Up via endless phone calls as it is and having them trying to avoid MY Collection Calls for them to pay what they should!  *LOL*   So I'd rather just write the checks and continue to Sell Off enuf of my stuff to just cover everything even tho' it has become Impossible to predict how much that will actually be or we're actually responsible for!?!  I recognize we're on the new Hurry Up And Die Plan of this Obamacare Fiasco, but while we're still vertical and the Crew here is 'Not Right', well, they'll need Medical Care whether or not we can pay for it all or on time.

And yes, we've got litigation pending too... but that could take Years to Settle and no Promise of actually getting a Settlement since the Insurances have paid close to a Million already in Medical Expenses so they'd like to recoup very penny they can regardless of our continued expenses for his long term Care needs.  Catastrophic Injuries or Illness are the devil in more ways than one... Life as you knew it ceases to exist after one even if you weren't the injured or sick party.  In fact, if you become the designated Caregiver consider your Life no longer your own, because that will be a cold hard fact.   And tho' the Caseworkers would like me to get Certified as a Foster Care Provider so I can get some assistance finally, that would mean seven weeks of Classes downtown and no Caregiver provided in my absence... so that's not likely to happen anytime soon either.

Okay, so since I'm one to face facts square on... I always try to Adapt and Improvise in order to stay Centered some kinda way regardless of how severe the storms of Life.  So there I was, renting my little locked Cases today, it was our Bright Spot of Hope Renewed.  And with The Princess in tow as my Assistant, Working our arses off to fill and style them with Inventory ASAP since we were also getting a two week Grace Period of Free Rent on both!  *Whoo Hoo!*   I was Jazzed and it seemed to be one small tentative step forward... so I shouldda seen it coming... you know... the three steps back that has to rain on any Parade or Celebration we have and threaten to derail or drown us!

Both The Princess and I were dog tired by the time we got everything finished since we'd slogged away all Morning and Afternoon, but both Cases looked really good and were filled on the first day we'd procured them so we went Home weary but Content.  For a Minute anyway... because I had laid down for a Nap... as had she... and that's when Mister Teen Angst and Mister Senior Moment decided to get into it... big time!!!   Now... The Princess and I were way too exhausted to be dealing with Man Drama... but I could tell by how it escalated that both of them were not able to Cope with the other or calm down even with their Meds and benefits of extensive Therapy.  *Le Sigh*  So now I had the other Issue to contend with after separating them and enforcing a precarious Peace before bedtime... making the difficult decision to take another extended Leave of Absence from Work, even tho' it's only a measly eight hours a week.

Now... it's not As If a measly eight hours a week of Working for comped Space Rent makes a whole lotta difference economically, because it doesn't.  But it has been my brief four hours at the beginning {Monday Night Shift} and end {Friday Night Shift} of each week, of Respite and interaction with other Adults that I Enjoy the Company of, to get away from the Madness and drudgery of Full Time Caregiving at Home.    And when they were Coping that was Okay... but clearly The Man and The Grandson were no longer Coping well.   And the nine months of hard Work put in to getting them to a Coping level so I could return to part-time Work outside the Home, was now negated in one intense episode, on a Sabbath Day no less.   Which isn't Surprising really because I haven't been able to get away to attend a Church Service either in well over a Year... yes, the devil has been busy!

And I need a drink... or something.  But since I refrain from Western Pharmaceuticals and rarely drink either, guess I'll be doing this clean and sober... and that really sucks because my stress levels are increasing my insulin levels dramatically, which is not good either!   I still have the 'I don't give a shit pills' the Doctor prescribed after my Hospitalization last year, when I had the complete Caregiver Burnout breakdown and went wheels off the rails, but I've refrained from using them... seems to me that I should give a shit, it seems the right thing to me anyway regardless of how Crazy things are here at the Asylum slash Bohemian Valhalla.  

But I do feel rather Zombielike right now and resemble this tattered and frayed raggedy Ann Angel dolly with the stupid expression plastered on her face and her wings all askew.  Obviously she's been Grounded for about as long as I have, having wings and yet dealing with them being clipped for the convenience of others who need you here on the ground or in the trenches.  And though Noble and all that, Guarding yourself from resentment and bitterness setting in when you're Sacrificing and doing all that you possibly can, often to no avail... going Stir Crazy, Isolated Socially and dealing with those you're Caring for being particularly Unlovely and Difficult... well, it is a tall order and lofty Goal.

Even when you can Manage those Precious Moments when they are Cooperative, can be coaxed out in Public and are Getting Along with each other or cutting you a Break, it's always precarious.   Trust and Believe that when they're being Misery Personified they DO NOT want to have a Good Time or be Encouraged and Lifted Up, they want to Wallow or participate in self destructive behaviors and thoughts, isolating into their dark unhealthy places and World of perceived doom and gloom.   And even tho' you know what is Good for them and try to Rationalize with them, you become the Enemy and a Prime Target for their Vented Frustrations, Torment and Anguish.  There's no getting around that unfortunate Reality and Unconditional Love has to Transcend your Basic Instincts of Flight or Fight!  

 And that is precisely why I sit here at almost five in the Morning, after they're all FINALLY slumbering and I can FINALLY Rest even tho' I can't Sleep... Releasing my thoughts and feelings about it into the Universe and casting my Cares... because frankly its too heavy a burden to carry by myself anyway and I'm still impatiently Waiting on the Lord to Solve it or take it off my hands even briefly... so I might as well just drop it and Let it Go as I attempt to move forward... 

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Oh, my. I hear your frustration and despair (?). What to do? What to do?

    1. My first thought would be to run away and join the Circus... not that things aren't equally 'entertaining' in a three-ring kinda way around here! *winks* Dawn... The Bohemian

  2. I read this with tears. My dear you are at the end of your rope so tie a knot and hang on. I will hang there with you as we are trying to care for my mother in law with dementia. She cries and screams and there is nothing you can do to help her. No amount of reasoning will she understand. DH and I try to take turns caring for her but we are exhausted as we also work full time jobs. It is taking a huge toll on our marriage and life. I am not sure how much longer we will be able to do it. Whatever happens, we can at least say we tried. You will be in my prayers.

    1. I'm so Glad to hear from other devoted loving Caregivers who are transparent enuf to Keep It Real and not pretend it doesn't exhort a HEAVY toll of which they pay dearly in every kind of way imaginable. You too will be in my Prayers, that you remain up by Faith and know that it will Hold. So glad to meet and connect with you here in this Wonderful Community of the Land of Blog! Come back again when I've got some Happy Posts and lotsa Fluff to Share! *Winks* A good Virtual Escape works Wonders to give you a break from the Heartache and drudgery that Caregiving creates... Blessings and a big Virtual Hug from the AZ Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

  3. Oh Dawn God surely hears your cries of help! You are doing the best you can do He will provide!
    Good Bless you with peace, wisdom and strength and calm men folk I pray!

    1. Yes, Calm Men Folk, ain't that a riot!? *winks* Kinda like the saying, "We're from the Government and we're here to help you..." *LMAO* Well, if we're gonna Dream, might as well Dream Big, right? Thanks for coming by with Heartfelt Words and Prayers my Friend... Dawn... The Bohemian

  4. OMG! Man drama is the WORST! That really stinks that you had to give up your few hours of work time at BAAM...I know you enjoyed being there!

    Let me know if you can sneak away for a few hours of retail therapy. It's great for re-energizing the mind & soul...


    -pamela ;)

    1. Yes, Retail Therapy is good for the Tortured Soul! *LOL* Your Friend Dawn


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl