Friday, January 24, 2014

Just In Time... To Prevent This Blog Coming To An End...

Just in time the Blogger problem rectified itself, though there's still glitches, at least some Images will now load.  *Whew!*    I had decided that I just didn't want to Blog anymore if I couldn't include Visuals with my Words, since I'm a very Visual person and an Image-less Blog wouldn't Appeal to me at all.   So I was going to reluctantly give up on Blogging and just End this Blog.  I realized I had become SO frustrated with the situation that I'd originally Titled my last Post the WORDLESS Post... then filled it with WORDS!  *LOL*  It is now Edited to the Image-less Post so that you don't think I've gone completely around the bend!  *Winks*

I came close though to going wheels off, and Blogger acting up wasn't the Catalyst... it just prevented me from being able to Retreat and Escape to my little Happy Place therapeutically like I needed to and thus added a layer to stress and depression.  I haven't been in a good head place for a while and facing that reality of extreme Caregiver Burnout and not being able to overcome it is a total head trip. 

 You see, The Man took another fall while I was asleep the other day.  To be sure he's a high fall risk all the time and we've got all kinds of Safety Prompts in place, but if eyes aren't on him all the time, he doesn't always remember being Safe.  At the advice of his Medical Teams I've been amping up getting rid of as much in the way of possessions as possible so he'll have less to maneuver around or fall into.  But the reality is, he could fall just as easily in a completely empty room.  Which he often did at the Neuro Rehab and Acute Nursing Facility, which were devoid of furnishings or soft landing stuff to break his falls.  Which is why almost all of them didn't want to accept him... too High Maintenance and EXPENSIVE. So it seems redundant to work so hard to do something also so sacrificial, but that makes no difference and serves to just upset me all the more.

The good thing is that much of what I Cherish and I'm just giving up and giving away is going to Family and so that has been easier for me and a Joy to see their Excitement in Receiving it.  No Regrets there in the Letting Go, no matter how in Love I was with or Attached to those objects.  Though The Son realizes I'm having to give up so much so soon that he questioned whether it is a good idea and in my best interest?   He had a point and he knows me well... my possessions were the only thing I could Control in this mess our lives and tarnished Golden Years have become.   And I am after all a Control Freak, so having no Control over anything makes me feel completely adrift and vulnerable beyond belief. 

 He realizes anything given to Family and Friends would be Joyful in the Giving Up for me... but that what I'm having to just Release where ever and don't really want to, is asking me to Sacrifice even more than I already have over the Years, which is a lot.   I've Sacrificed Career, Pension, Social Life, Time with Friends, Retirement Plans, Savings, Freedom, Traveling, Dreams, Time to and for myself and so much more... and so my Home was the last bastion of having anything left beyond Caring for Loved Ones who need Caregiving.  And that made me feel like just giving up, period, because if Life becomes just Existing with no Joy or anything to look forward to or Enjoy, it's not really Living, it's drudgery and you dread each day.

And so when something happens like The Man STILL falling, after I've done everything his Team says needs to be done as Prevention Measures... and then the G-Kids going off into Mental Health Land because their response to Grandpa being so Fragile and everything around the Home in constant flux and Change to accommodate him, is to Act up and Act out... usually vented and directed at me, since I'm in Charge of this mess... Allegedly... I feel utterly defeated.  

And I come to a place where I'm Wondering what I'm doing it all for since there's nothing about this Picture that I can really 'fix' or 'Control' in any way and isn't likely to Change regardless of what we Sacrifice or do?   So... I finally blew up and told the last Medical Team Member to write in his Report that I can't stand to be asked to do another thing... not one more thing, because I've done all I humanly can and 'cause I'm at Saturation and Breaking Point AGAIN!  Just knowing I only lasted barely three Months this time before Breaking again has me Concerned because I NEED to last at least another Decade or beyond for this Crew... I don't think I will... I really don't.  And that's a Sobering Realization so it's difficult to think Happy Thoughts... but I'm trying... I really am... and as Simple as this is, my Blog being Functional again so I have a place to Retreat to, it has really Helped.

Still hanging on in the Arizona Desert... Blessings... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Hang tight, Dawn. When one is near the end of the rope, one ties a tight knot - bow knots are best -- and hangs on...

    You've gained so much how-to knowledge since that last episode of feeling incapable of being capable, have you not? You're accutely articulate in alerting those who need to know that additional resources must be mustered very quickly indeed.

    You're where I was when I realized that caring for two octogenarian parents in fragile physical health in home was endangering them and me and others, despite my brother's magical checkbook and the efforts of an extremely kind and caring local fire department station.

    This awful winter in the Midwest is giving me a sort of caregiver's PTSD flashback: one or both of the parents always fell and required transport whenever a blizzard shut down all traffic, even to and around the hospital. On one horrible night, more than 8 firemen converged on their house to shovel out the drive and porch to transport mother to hospital. Then, realizing that my father was unsafe alone, they bundled him up, too... And I struggled in from another rural location on uncleared roads, in a whiteout. Again.

    I was not myself a young woman, even then. And I did the math, and with the blessings of a brother who cared as much for me as he did our parents, made choices based upon what would be in the parents' best interests had I not been retrieved from the overturned vehicle in pieces that could be successfully reassembled.

    We did enjoy many more happy times together, Dawn, but not in the circumstances they or I would have wanted had we had our wishes fulfilled. Hang tight, Dawn, but when you see a landing field below, let go -- and trust that your own personal strength and mental agililty is in the best interests of your loved ones.

    I'm reading between your lines. Please read between mine. Your blog is a source of inspiration and encouragement to your followers: sharing your POV is a work of art we would sorely miss!

  2. Oh Dawn: Just please know you are thought of fondly and prayed for thru all that your going thru! There will be good days ahead! There always are! I really enjoy your blog, even if it is venting for you! Chin Up!


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl