Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Heartbreak... Rusty Valentine Heart Tree Set Up Just In Time


Issues of the Heart... so very Complex and so very difficult to have total Transparency lest you become more Vulnerable than you care to be and cannot shield yourself from Heartbreak.   The depth of your Pain is measured by the depth of your Love... if you didn't Love deeply, there would be little, if any Pain associated with any Relationship.   Watching a Loved One Tormented and Suffering is very, very difficult and losing them in layers is Agony.  No matter how much 'Life Experience' you've had Enduring that situation and Trusting God for the outcome.

The Man had a huge setback and Medical Emergency and is back in the VA Hospital for an undetermined length of stay.  They almost couldn't take him in today, he was borderline functional for the Care the Hospital can and will provide, regardless of extent of Medical Crisis, and on account of his Traumatic Brain Injury limitations that still exist.  He has come a long way forward, so having significant setbacks is disheartening to say the least and especially when you didn't predict this outcome because you'd merely gone for an Appointment and expected to come Home with your Loved One... until things went totally Left and you came home Alone and shaken.

It had already been a hectic week because the Grade School the G-Kid Force attend had an outbreak of Scabies... only we didn't get formally notified until almost a week after Princess T contracted them.  And in the initial ER Visit I voiced  my Suspicions this is what I thought it was even before formal School notification. But the Doctors disagreed and said it was nothing contagious and nothing to worry about... just a Generic Rash from an unknown Allergy and source. Giving me a Treatment that didn't work because that isn't what it was at all... so things got progressively worse fast!
 I've seen this before, many years ago... when The Son caught it at School and it didn't get properly diagnosed then either until half the household was infested, I didn't want a repeat performance!  It resembles so many other things that it can be a tough diagnosis, especially if Medical Staff are unfamiliar with it... but in my gut I just knew and therefore got a second opinion, especially after receiving the School Newsletter sent Home days later to back me up on exposure to the mites.   You can't get Treatment except via a Prescription ordered by a Doctor... and I didn't want to wait 'til it spread like wildfire thru the House or have her going to School with a misdiagnosis of something infectious and further spread an epidemic.  Thankfully it got correctly diagnosed in the second ER visit at a different Hospital... since the Pediatricians Office was so swamped with Flu Cases they couldn't arrange an appointment for 2-3 weeks!  I just Hope every other infected Child gets Treatment to eradicate the outbreak!?!

So after over Twelve grueling Hours at different Hospitals and Emergency Rooms in one day, having The Man Admitted and in bad shape... having a contagious Child housebound for at least five days as she receives Treatment... not to mention Prince R and I both feeling like we could be coming down with something even tho' we had our Flu and Pneumonia Shots... I feel very discombobulated.  So the Rusty Valentine Heart Tree was set up just in Time... watching it twinkle and having the Soothing Romantic Ambiance of a Tree full of Hearts... representative of Love even with the imperfections and tattered state of Being that Life can throw at you... well, it has kept me Centered and not cast adrift or shipwrecked in the prevailing Storms. 

It is a Lovely and Healthy Reminder of why I cannot, dare not, give up... even on days when I desperately want to.  Surrender is not an option so it must come off the table as one and not even be contemplated.   And it helps me to Encourage The Man not to give up either and to Value himself just as he is.  Because there's no do-overs and things are as they now are, we have to move forward by Grace and Embracing the differences and Challenges... Medically, Financially and Emotionally... rather than longing for how things used to be and abhoring and being constantly upset and stressed about how they are... even if it truly Sucks right now. 

I'm Hopeful they can Help him come to terms with the results of Catastrophic Injury, Chronic Illness and profound Disability.  I'm Hopeful that the Lord continue to Strengthen and Heal me too, so that we can keep our Family together and I can be what I need to be and do what I need to do, whether sufficient Help comes or is offered or not.  Even tho' right now I don't have hardly any of the answers... I just know that alternate placement isn't even probable or possible for a variety of reasons for this trio, all of them quite grim... and I prefer to Care for my own until I no longer can anyway.   Can I Succeed, will I Succeed?  I can't say... or for how long... but I know that in our Family we leave no-one behind.  I've had Friends and Family, with the best of Intentions, ask me what if I damage myself or die trying?  I've thought about that... deeply in fact... because it's a valid question to consider...
And my answer is simply that there are some things worth Sacrificing Self or even dying for, you just have to have a Peace within yourself as to where that line is for you?  Ask any Soldier... if the prospect of dying for Country and what was Sacred to them made them shun the Duty of Serving and just leaving it to some other guy or gal?  Even if they were Scared half to death... and who wouldn't be!?   My Husband Served Honorably for Thirty-Nine Years and Sacrificed so much for God and Country in numerous Wars... and he certainly wouldn't do any less for his own Family... nor would I.  That's our Truth.  This is just another battle and we must continue to Fight the Good Fight, regardless of the outcome... win, lose or draw... I've already now settled that in my Heart and Spirit.  Either you're all in or you're not.

My choice may not be everyone's choice... I wouldn't judge nor do I want to be judged... each has to do what they feel is Right and they can Live with... or die trying.  I don't want to intentionally lose anyone I Love... so I have to know I did all I could... and more... so that if the outcome isn't answer to Prayer, and even if I don't remain up by Faith and get taken out of the Game before it's over... there are absolutely no regrets... no second-guessing if I wouldda, couldda, shouldda... you know the drill.  I need to know I can lay my head on my pillow each Night with clean hands and a clear conscience about every important decision regarding those I Love and who cannot make those decisions on their own for themselves.  I have to be Settled that I did what was best and explored every possible Option or fought for Options not typically available without a fierce fight and Pit Bull tenacity to get the best for those I Love and for myself.   The best is sadly not available to all and most Options must be bought and are prohibitive, so if you don't have deep pockets, you better just be an excellent Fighter and Advocate. 

I had wanted my Rusty Hearts Posts to be Happy, Uplifting, Creative and Zen... I had wanted my Blog to return to my version of Bohemian Valhalla even if it meant leaving out a whole lot of the unpleasantness and hardships of Life.  The stuff that I don't even want to have to think about or reveal really because its so Raw.  That wouldn't have been authentic at all... and even tho' I don't like Venting or being Morose... sometimes it is necessary... and this is the best and only format to do it actually that I have available right now. 
I've never really been that wrapped up in who or how many Support my little slice of Cyberspace Retreat because it doesn't matter, I'm Delighted if it does Minister to anyone else and not just me.   I Love your Visits and for the most part the Land of Blog has been one of the best Communities of folks I've encountered, you really are!  I never know what Responses I'll receive... but I'm Okay with whatever opinions are out there... it's difficult to Offend me since you have to 'Take' an Offense and I've usually chosen not to.  All are Welcome... but I must Post the Disclaimer that it's not all Rainbows and Unicorn Farts around here every Post in the Topic matter... tho' I will always attempt to saturate it with Beauty in the Images and give fair Warning of when it will be a difficult Read.

It is very Important to me to Honor my Vows to my Dear Husband... for better or worse... richer or poorer... 'til Death do us part... tho' really I have the Belief that Love never dies, it is Eternal if it is Real.  Right now things are worse and definitely poorer and could get more amplified in that direction... so I have to reconcile myself to either outcome... Victory or Defeat... and what each will mean and what is the worst that could possibly happen... and how will I rebound if that is our Destiny?  It's a heavy subject...

But Family have always held the Key to my Heart... and made Life worth Living... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Your posts are haiku in prose. Now I'm attempting to remember the one by Basho that describes how the flash of lightning (that knocks down the tree) illuminates the landscape no longer obscured by the tree.

    Family tragedy strips away the lighter layers of relationships and reveals the underlying foundation of love. Your renewal of your vows to The Man are an exquisite soliloquy which we are priviledged to share in the private/public space of this blog.

    And then you remind us that life is a Divine Comedy and that love also means dealing with scabies -- which, like so many challenges, you have met it before.

    May you find daily joy and strength in that tree of talismans you created "just in time."

  2. Dear Dawn

    I love the truth of love in your posts, no sugar just life which to me shows the beauty of your soul. Wishing and praying for renewal strength recovery and beauty that above all you so deserve. My love to you my sweet friend Kate xoxo

  3. I'm so sorry for the step backwards, so unexpected I assume. You have such a positive attitude, Praise the Lord for this! May it help you to know people are praying for you and your family as you are going thur another hard time in your life! God Bless You!

  4. your in my prayers...You are a AWESOME soul....

  5. you r amazing. and I can't believe you use my word:::discombobulated!!! lol... I swear me and u were seperated at birth or something lol lol.. hugs too you sweetie!! :)

  6. I don't know what to say........my heart goes out to you. I had my birthday this week, and I was pretty disarmed by my senses. I briefly thought that this is going to be my last year....but I don't have the premonitions that you have. But, I am troubled.


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl