Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Embracing Positive Changes AND Scary Stuff...

Any Metamorphosis demands Embracing what the Situation and/or Person is Becoming... both the Positive Changes AND the Scary Stuff.  As I Wrapped up the Final Phase of the New Showroom #133 Becoming what it will be and being Excited about those Positive Changes, I had Quiet Time in the Doing of it to Reflect upon the other Metamorphosis I find myself Challenged with in our Personal Lives.  Mine as I continue to move through the Delicate Space of Menopause... The Grandson's as he moves quickly towards the Delicate Space of Puberty and Becoming a Man... and The Man's as he moves through Age Related Serious Health Issues and the steady deterioration of Body and Mind.

Embracing Positive and Exciting Changes is a much more smooth Process than Embracing the Scary Stuff Change will bring, isn't it?  We may run Full Tilt towards and throw ourselves into what looks to be an Adventure that has the liklihood of Good Things to come our way... and drag our feet or Resist as we enter into those Scary Realms of Metamorphosis that must be dealt with because the Change is Evident and going to happen, but we aren't as Enthusiastic since the liklihood has some Bad Things to come our way on the Journey of it. 
I could Escape into the Metamorphosis of the Positive Changes happening and even though there is no Assurance of Pots of Gold at the end of Rainbows in the Journey, I'm 'Down' for it regardless and Hope Abounds on that part of the Journey.  It's "Looking Good" even with "Natural Eyes"... and so the "Spiritual Eyes" have Visual Validation lining up with what I Felt in my Spirit was a Direction I wanted to take regardless of Potential Risks and probably a lot of necessary Hard Work.    
However, the Metamorphosis of the Scary Stuff unfolding and the Negative Changes happening, especially with The Grandson and The Man, was more of a bitter pill to swallow.  Because no matter how much I throw myself into all of that with everything I've got... and being 100% Committed... I am also somewhat Paralyzed by Fear because of the Realization that in spite of all of my Best Efforts and Love, it could have Zero Results in a Positive Outcome.   Embracing that is like putting your arms around something that Terrifies you in your Worst Nightmares.
You can have an "Alice In Wonderland" Adventure that is completely Surreal as you fall down the Rabbit Hole and yet still find it to be an Adventure worth taking.   But when you find yourself in more of a Nightmarish descent there is that Urge to not free fall and just see how it goes... and instead reach for anything you can grab onto on the way down so that you might clamber back up to Sunlight and what is Familiar and Safe.  You might not want to go THERE!?!

As I got the Bonus Room of New Showroom #133 ready for Inventory to move in this week lots of Friends and Customers came in to Congratulate me on what has been Accomplished, and certainly there was a Feeling of Accomplishment and a Positive Result.  So even though I was Weary from the Hard Work, it was a Good Weariness and something to Celebrate.  But what so many don't really know is how much more Hard Work that far Eclipses that has been done in our Personal Lives just to get through each Day and keep Sanity and a semblance of Normalcy intact... with no Feeling of Accomplishment... few, if any, Positive Results most of the time... and because things have worsened instead of getting better... Congratulations are certainly not in order.

Inbetween countless Hours of Showroom Work, which I Eagerly looked forward to, was the other countless Hours of going to Medical Appointments for the G-Kid Force and The Man... which I never look forward to and just never seem to have Good or Hopeful News... so I Dread them actually.  I go Under Protest... moving within the Confines of that Delicate Space of Menopause I'm also dealing with within my own Body, Mind and Spirit... and so it is quite the Ride... like one of those Scary Rides at the Carnival, where you bought the ticket and so you're on for the whole ride, but you desperately want to get OFF!

Princess T's Appointments weren't so bad... it's just going to be the usual Behemoth of Bureaucracy of Referrals we'll bounce around to until the Process of Lining Up the actual Surgery can take place.  And in Layman's Terms and my Personal Opinion and Observation, that just means that everyone wants a slice of getting Paid by the Insurance, before what NEEDS to be done, regardless how Urgent for the sake of the Patient, can actually GET DONE!  *Grrrrrr... yeah, can you only see my Blood Pressure rising as I Attempt to stay Calm and Patient thru that Nonsensical Process!?!*  And then Wait... and Wait... and Wait some more...
And speaking of Long Waits... it was FINALLY over... and after Nine Months of Waiting on Approvals and then Scheduling for Prince R to actually Receive his Increased Mental Health Services... we got to see the Increased Services Therapist this week!  Hurrah!  But... before I had a chance to Celebrate a Victory... the Session was cut short... she said she would definitely need to request Advanced Services and Consult with a Team of her Peers!  This was NOT GOOD... having been down this Road before with The Daughter and the Mental Health System, it's not my first Rodeo with what that actually MEANS and how Bad the Outcome could be.   Advanced Services means it's beyond the Expertise of the Present Services... which were already Increased... but obviously not to the Level they're Comfortable with and he Needs... and thus... not to the Level I'm Comfortable with because that Scares the living Hell out of me!!!   So... we'll Wait on Increased Services... after all whaddya gonna do???
And lastly, but certainly not leastly, we come to The Man's string of Appointments at the VA Hospital... you know, all those Therapies and Increased Testings to figure out why he's unraveling so quickly and in a downward spiral into who knows where?   The Abyss that could be... Parkinsons... Parkinsons-Like... the onset of Demetia... or Alzheimers... nobody seems certain yet... so there's no actual Diagnosis we can receive a Game Plan for... but whatever it is... obviously its NOT GOOD.   They Commend me for dealing with it as effectively as we have for the past Year, since we don't really even know WHAT we're dealing with or how to Effectively deal with it... all we do know, it's getting Worse... and FAST!  So I'm justifyably Scared Shitless!  Sorry folks, no other more suitable words than that to actually express the Feeling and Dread I'm Experiencing as I'm Losing my Beloved in Layers!
As that Negative Metamorphosis takes place I have Learned to Love who The Man now 'Is' and Let Go of who The Man 'Was'.   That's not actually the part that bothers or Scares me most because my Love is not Conditional upon Health or lack thereof of any of the Family.   Here's what bothers and Scares me most... total lack of Security for him being able to remain in the Home at some point in the Future if it gets to the point, like it did with Mom, where I can no longer meet him at his Point of Need and Alternative Placement becomes Necessary?!   Because I fully now KNOW what that MEANS!!! 
You see... I had NOT fully KNOWN until this fateful Day at the VA Hospital, when The Lord Orchestrated a Divine Appointment... an Unexpected one I NEEDED in order to Answer the looming Questions that had been hidden in the Dark Recesses of my Mind waiting to be Revealed some kinda way.  Since nobody really wants to talk about it and the Medical Community often hedges and cannot give Answers to it anyway.   You see, we ALL want to Believe we can take care of our Families and Provide EVERYTHING they may NEED... but we ALL also know that isn't always POSSIBLE and there are Limits... usually not only Physical and Emotional... but FINANCIAL!  Yeah, the dirty word of Money... and how much one has... or doesn't have.
Because of being a Full Time UNPAID Caregiver to several Family Members, I can no longer hold down a Career or even a Part-Time Job... that's my Reality... it is what it is... and so my Little Showrooms and Side Jobs of Hustling whatever I can to make a buck are what I'm left with as my Earning Potential beyond The Man's VA Disability and Pension.  It's called Fixed Income in most Circles... and if it's just you... or you and your Old Man... you can find a way as most Old Folks do.  But I've also got the G-Kid Force to consider... and that weighs Heavy on my Heart and Mind... so I've been Wondering, if The Man had to have Alternative Placement at some point in the Future... what would that mean Financially?  Would EVERYTHING need to go to pay for his Level of Care, or would there be ANYTHING left for the Children and I to Exist upon?  It is after all an Important Question to Consider.  I need not Wonder any longer... I got my Answer Today...
As we were Waiting for The Man to Receive a Wheelchair after one Appointment and to wheel him across the VA Hospital to the next Appointment I spied a Human Angel... my Pastor's Older Sister.  And Sister M is a Powerful Prayer Warrior and Mighty Woman Of God... but also a Strong Woman who is dealing with similar Issues as myself... because her Beloved, now in his Seventies, also has Dementia and recently fell and broke a hip.  So he's been in the VA Nursing Home for Old Soldiers for a few weeks now... the place I'm Trying, almost in Vain in seems, to keep The Man out of so he can remain at Home with us.  So Sister M and I have a Camaraderie on many levels... but especially a Point of Reference to the Challenges, Sorrows and Pain this particular Journey has taken us on... and we've known each other long enough to totally Keep It Real.  Sister M has no G-Kids she's raising, but she has considerable Health Challenges of her own and cannot Walk... and so it is to the place where she cannot Care for her Beloved anymore and had to Relinquish him to the Old Soldier's Home, possibly indefinitely, though the Hope is that won't be the case.
And so we talked, Candidly... and though standing in and on our Faith, also confronting the Realities that we're dealing with as we Wait on the Lord to Act on our Behalf, which is our Expectation.  And she Answers that Dark Question for me... the one that has been looming in the Dark Recesses of my Subconsciousness.  Because she's a step ahead of me in the dealing with it all now... since her Beloved's Alternative Placement has become Necessary.  And this is the Answer... which turns out to be even DARKER than the Question actually:
Medicaide only covers 21 Days... after that they want $200 a DAY!  No different than the Civilian Sector... except that during their Long Military Careers they never earned enough to become Rich Men and were Promised certain Benefits Contractually, that have since been Altered, not in their, or their Family's favor.  Two Hundred Dollars a day for a Family Existing on a VA Disability might as well be a Million Dollars really since you don't have it... and you can't get it.   I saw her Frustration and Concern... and so we stopped and Prayed Together, there in the Lobby... for both of our Beloved Men... and our Families.   And so I left the Hospital rather defeated in some ways... but also more determined than ever that I must keep The Man from unraveling further, some kinda way, so that he can remain in our Home and we won't be in the same unfortunate place that Sister M finds herself Confronted with... because it is a very difficult place to Be Still and Wait upon The Lord for Resolution of indeed!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian 


  1. I wish I had something to offer. Or even something to say. Prayers are what I have and it seems "lame" to say "I'll pray for you." But I will say it. And I just DID - pray.

  2. Oh Dawn....this post saddens me so.....of all women....you certainly don't deserve all this STUFF!!. I'm also praying...I know it isn't much...but I offer it openly. Also, if you ever need a friend to talk to...I do live in this area. Just let me know....my email is on my blog.

    many, many, many hugs being sent your way,


  3. You aren't alone - in so many ways I'm on the same journey. And trying to survive in just the same way as you, doing those things I really love - hanging on in there.


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl