Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Fighting Hopelessness... Expanding The Vision

"There's nothing more they can do... and the Doctor needs to talk to you...", as those words echoed in my ears and trickled into my Psyche Today after The Man's Marathon of VA Hospital Appointments, Time seemed to Stand Still.  Very Still.  I'd had to unceremoniously leave him alone at the VA Hospital inbetween the slew of back to back Appointments he had there, to go all the way back Home and Retreive the G-Kid Force after Summer Camp was over.  Since I had no back-up for them Today, The Son and his Girlfriend had to Work, and I didn't think The Force would fare well languishing all day in Hospital Waiting Rooms... or hear any bad news directly.  So I'd missed hearing it straight from the Source myself.  Maybe that's a good thing.
The Doctor's Talk with me by Phone was akin to one of those Charlie Brown 'Peanuts' Comic Strips where they're in School listening to that faceless Teacher whose Voice just sounds like Trumpet Sounds ringing in your ears {Whaa.. Whaa... Whaa} ... probably because none of it is what you want or really need to hear right now.  At least not if you want to Win the Fight against Hopelessness.  Not if you don't want to 'Receive' even more Medical Negativity... of which there has been a Host of with this Trio lately.
Even though Allegedly there is 'nothing more they can do'... well, it seemed as though they were sure trying to Schedule and Cram in a lot... Speech Therapy, Physical Therapy, Audio Therapy, Pain Therapy, Memory Therapy, Rehabilitation Therapy and Therapies I can't even remember because I kinda Shut Down.  Wondering how on earth I was even going to get him into the City and to the VA Hospital so often for all these Specialized Appointments... along with the Increased Counseling, Therapy and Services Prince R has to Attend... and the numerous Tests, Referral and Surgery Princess T's Pulmonologist wants to Hopefully get Approved and Done while she's still on Summer Break and before School begins again the first week in August?!?
And just to add more Drama to the Mix, my Brother had informed me that Mom had been rushed to the ER again from the Nursing Home with a Severe Infection that had been left unattended and Neglected for too long by the Home's Staff!!!   Yeah, I felt like I had certainly fallen down the Rabbit Hole... I needed to take this all in and Process it without going to pieces.  I bought a Sarsaparilla along with Mom's Humorous Birthday Card, which are the kind she likes... though I wanted to be drinking something much stronger and I certainly didn't Feel Humorous.  But lately I've had to do a lot of things apart from how I've Felt.
I've 'Felt' like the Skin Horse in the 'Velveteen Rabbit'.  Worn Out and Used Up from a Place of Love by those that I know Love me, but have taken all that I have to Give... and I know they Need more than just little Old me and it's taken it's Toll.  'Feeling' Overwhelmed, Exhausted Physically and Emotionally... and certainly on the verge of Hopelessness.  I've had to remain up by Faith and Believe that it will Hold.   I don't care how Spiritual you are, that is easier said or written than Done.  I've cast a lot of Crap on the Lord, at least I know He can handle it... and just be Still and Wait on Him to Act on my behalf.  That Waiting is a bitch.   And those are my words, I haven't found that particular Verse or Scripture in the Bible... but I'm sure there's a parable somewhere equivalent or some Saint was more eloquent about that part of our job as a Believer.
I've found that every time an Opportunity presents itself for a Blessing, to move to the next level in Purpose... all Hell breaks loose too.  The devil sure keeps busy and I Wish he'd go bother someone else instead of camping out on my doorstep running interferance constantly... I don't possess the Patience and Fortitude of Job... though I do Expect at least double for my Trouble as well... it's only Fair!
You see... though there has been too much Personal Drama and Medical Crisis that I have no Control over continuously unfolding at Bohemian Valhalla with The Man and both G-Kids... and certainly I've got to Deal with that as best I can, I've also tried to Balance that with some Positive Stuff.  To Encourage myself by Pursuing the Positive Opportunities that Present themselves and will be a Blessing during a particularly difficult and dark Time in our Lives.   And of coarse the Timing seems all Wrong since the devil has been so busy... and I could be paralyzed by Fear, sidelined and continuously Distracted with all the Crap... had I just not turned it over for the Lord to Deal with on my behalf and decided to move Forward in Faith anyway. 
It seems absolute Madness, but then, the whole shebang has been absolute Madness, so why not have some Positive Madness as well as the Negative Madness... maybe it will Balance itself out better that way, who knows?  I don't know, it's just a Theory I've come up with... I can't even Speculate what the Future holds?  Though Clearly the Medical Community's Prognosis for The Man, The Young Prince and Princess has been particularly Grim and they appear to Expect things to get Worse, I simply Refuse to 'Receive' THAT... since I don't want to be Hopeless or throw in the towel.  I Expect Miracles and Divine Intervention... I Expect Answer to Prayers... and the Lord to have my back regardless of the Outcome of how any of it plays out in the Grand Scheme of things.  Obviously there's a LOT I'm Waiting upon the Lord for in Faith... and as previously mentioned, the Waiting Sucks!
So, I decided that since I cannot DO anything about the slew of Medical and/or Mental Health Issues they all have, since it's out of my hands... I'd DO what I CAN DO and have a measure of Control over... since I'm a Control Freak and all that... and spin the Carnival Roulette Wheel for Financial Peace Goals... going Forward with Expanding the Vision and Purpose I've had in my Spirit and can't Shake no matter how hard I've tried.  Expand during such Uncertain Times... yeah, sheer Madness to be Called to that and have to Step out in Faith and not give in to Doubt or Fear or Fatigue... it's not as if I haven't Questioned the Timing of the Opportunities Presenting themselves NOW of all Times!?!!! 
This has been me in fact a great deal of the Time when I've been pressed above measure and beyond strength... I've been a Beast Emotionally because I'm so Raw Emotionally right now.  I struggle, wrestle and battle such things as Impatience, Depression, Frustration, Hopelessness, Anger, Fear, Resentment and Dealing with too much without sufficient Help... and I Wonder just who the Lord will send?  Are they on the Horizon and how far off? 
Is the Cavalry coming and how long and how much will I be Expected to Endure until they Arrive?  They are Arriving at some point in the Future, right?  I sure Hope so... though I haven't seen any with my actual Eyes, not even a Scout... but as they say, Faith is the Substance of things HOPED for, the EVIDENCE of things not YET SEEN.  So I just stand on my Faith... it's all I have left right now in me... the rest has been spent... too many withdrawals and not enough deposits... Physical and Emotional Bankruptcy has taken place.  So the Financial Peace I desperately need isn't just Monetary you see... though extra Cash certainly Helps... and I've got to Obtain it some kinda way.
I'm certainly NOT Obtaining it watching The Man being practically Comatose and Confused most days in his Recliner... or Forgetting to tell me that the Wheelchair they pushed him out of the VA Hospital in wasn't a Loaner or theirs, we were supposed to take it Home with us because they'd ordered it for him permanently!!!   Yeah, I got THAT news from the Doc's Call just as we pulled up in front of our House over an Hour later!!!   How could I know, there was a line of Old Soldiers in Wheelchairs out front waiting for Pick-Up and nobody told me... and we'd already told all his Docs that our Home can never be made Wheelchair Accessible... that's why we couldn't move Mom in!!!  *Insert Huge Frustrated Sigh!*  Of coarse having lucid conversations with The Man is getting more difficult and rarer, he's talking about things that make no sense to the G-Force or I so much of the time now... and that keeps him perpetually Frustrated, Angry and Aggitated.  So I Hope all these Therapies can Arrest whatever is going on, I don't want to Consider how bad it could get or what we're supposed to do if it does worsen... they haven't Addressed any of THAT yet!
And I'm certainly NOT Obtaining it playing Referee with the G-Kid Force constantly... who find it very difficult to get along and play well with others or behave in a realm of normalcy Expected by most of Society... and so there's always lots of fussing, fighting, disobedience, mood swings, tears and tantrums going on.  The Pulmonologist suggested I get The Princess 'Tested' for Mental Health Issues as well as all the poor Child's considerable Physical Health Issues after her Surgery!  *Le Sigh... yeah, that was another Conversation/Consultation I didn't wanna have or hear!*  And it's not as if I haven't Suspected or made similar Observations myself... as other Teachers and Doctors have also and Voiced.  Considerable Experience and Hereditary Factors haved 'Schooled' me Well in this after all, to definitely Notice and Tune into it... and I know early Diagnosis lends itself to the best possible results even though there's no Cure.  I just wanted to Believe at least for a while that perhaps it wasn't what it Appeared to be and she was just battling the considerable Physical Health Issues.. and it usually isn't Conclusive until a certain Age anyways in the realm of Mental Health Identifying Factors... so just for the sake of my own Sanity perhaps and a Hope for a Brighter Future for her I have been in a Denial of sorts.   The Man and The Young Prince's Emotional/Mental Unraveling and downward spiral have been quite enough for now.
And so I've decided to Obtain it through Working towards an Enlarged Vision, Expanding a Dream, doing what I Love and Feel Purpose to DO, Sustaining Hope, but in a way that still allows me to put Family First and Deal with their Situations daily.  And yet still finding a way towards that Financial Peace... by Receiving Deposits Emotionally, Physically and Financially to Replenish what is being constantly Withdrawn and leaving me Empty and Bankrupt on all fronts.   So when a Perfect Showroom suddenly became Available and I was drawn to it strongly and it just Felt Right in the midst of all that is going so wrong... I went Hard for it... and Immediately Received it... which HAS to be a God Thing the way it all fell into place and worked out in my Favor!  Welcome to Showroom #133 at THE BRASS ARMADILLO WEST... And NO, the hideous Green Paint wasn't me *LOL*... it was left by the previous Tenant... we'll just have a 'Make It Work' Moment as the Transformation will take place!  *Winks*    All that Wall Space to the Right is mine too and was given with the Showroom!
In the midst of so much Negativity it was a Ray of Sunshine, something to Feel Positive, Excited and Hopeful about!  And strangely, there was no Fear or Doubt about it, it was with complete Clarity I made the decision... which was very Strange indeed given the Circumstances and Chaos in my Personal Life right now!   Because obviously the Timing couldn't have been more out of Place and so in my Head had I just been Logical about it, I might have Hesitated and thought up a Host of Excuses and Cons NOT to step out in Faith and just go with what I felt in my Spirit so Strongly.  Spirit prevailed.  I Love that this Showroom has lots of built-in shelving for Vignettes and Smalls... so I can declutter my other Showroom which does not... and bring more Inventory in which has languished at Home because there was no room for it in my other Spaces.
I also liked that except for the hideous half-finished Green paint job, the previous Vendor hadn't done anything to it, so it is a Blank Canvas, just like my other Showroom was... which is Perfect, since I like a Raw Blank Canvas to build my Vision upon.  Things that most View as Negatives I've always Viewed as Positives and Opportunities actually... so Critics have never swayed me.  And look to the Left... see that doorway?  It's part of my New Showroom too!
A Bonus Room with Shelving clear up on all sides to about eight feet high!   And this Awesome Huge Old Industrial Light on a Timer that Illuminates this Room!!! Previously used merely as Closet Storage it's not calculated into the Square Footage so it is indeed a Bonus Room and I have a Specific Exciting Vision for it as Retail Space!
In fact, this New Showroom is Planned to be my Laboratorie of sorts... to Experiment with Design, Decor, Aesthetic, Style, Fashion, Inventory, Art and whatever else I want to go much more Avant- Garde, "My Style" and "Dark" with than my other Showroom, which is doing Well.   But which, isn't Refined and Loosed to totally being "My Style" for Practical Reasons Business wise.  But this Showroom is such a Bargain that I can just do my own 'Thing' with it and throw Caution to the Wind... which is very Liberating as an Artist and Entreprenuer.  
I can allow the Mad Scientist within me to come out and Play... starting with the Colors that will dominate the Room... Black, Antique Gold and White... and maybe some of that hideous Green because I don't do well with Heights and it's a High Room so we'll just Make it Work as Tim Gunn would Advise.  *Smiles*  I might actually start being a hideous Green Advocate who knows?  *LOL, just Kidding!*  And that Vintage Embalming Prep Bottle with a Baby Logo is perhaps the CREEPIEST THING I've ever seen!!!  Yet, Fascinating... in a Morbid Dark Humor kinda way... Thank God it was too Expensive for me to buy since I'm Feelin' very Dark and Morose lately!  *LOL*
Hey, if you're not busy doing Something, you're busy doing Nothing... I suddenly Feel very Free to Go for It... the Lease is Monthly and I have nothing to Lose at this point and everything to Gain.  Not to mention the G-Kid Force ADORE Assisting Gramma in her Retail Ventures and it keeps them Delightfully Occupied and  from having Idle Hands which are the devil's workshop.   So the Young Prince got busy with a Mop and Air Freshner the Morning I Signed my Lease to make the New Showroom Spotless since it was quite a Hot Mess after the other Tenant had moved out... the Images I Shared are 'After' Photos.
They are Excited to be my Design Team... and they Work for such things as Silly Putty and Polly Pocket Accessories... so it's all Good!  *Winks*  After Princess T's round of Pre-Surgical Tests and Labwork Tomorrow Morning we'll head out to the Showroom armed with buckets of Paint... Exotic Gypsy Trim... and the Delightful Scent of Moroccan Bazaar Febreze {which I Cornered the Market on when it was a Seasonal Fragrance before unfortunately being discontinued}.  Stay Tuned for Updates in the Process, Reveal and the Grand Opening of the Positive Madness...
NOTE: Beautiful Dia de los Muertos Skullies Created by The Creative Native, Yaqui Artist Ben Molina and other Fab Inventory pictured can be found at either the Goodyear or the Phoenix  BRASS ARMADILLO Locations!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Oh Dawn! I have been absent for so long! So much for you to deal with...yet still your light shines brightly. I have no words to offer except to say that I admire your strength and your tenacity...and this new showroom sounds awesome. Something for you to 'fill your cup' as it were. I am sending you as much love and light as I can from way over the ocean. Take care darling heart, and know that there is a little Australian girl thinking of you often xxx

  2. You are one awesome person..l follow your heart and prayers are w/ you..l admire your strength and courage..sending all goodness your way..good news on your new space..

  3. Dawn

    I am so sorry for all the pain, stress, exhaustion, worry, and hopelessness you are feeling. It is so hard to feel like that no matter how much others love and care about you, no one understands. But know this:

    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

    God knows every tear, every fear, every worry, every thought, and how torn your heart is. But even more important? He also has a great plan for you. He is pleased that you are leaning on Him and He will never leave you. Trust in Him even when you don't feel like it. I will pray for you and ask that God grant you strength and hope and peace for you and your loved ones.

    Dawn, as a disabled vet myself, and having gone through some very painful, painful ordeals, mishaps, incompetency, delays, and on and on. The best advice I have for you is to find an advocate for you. Go to patient advocacy and keep a small notebook and pen with you at all times and record everything - EVERYTHING. The date, time, who you spoke to, meds, treatments, what was said, what therapies, and so on. You can ask (and should) for a printed list of all his appts and meds (they are all computerized and can be printed out at any reception desk). ANYTHING that sounds even slightly off - a delay in therapy (ask some of your civilian treated friends how long does someone wait to get such and such many sessions does a typical patient get in PT....and so on) and if you feel like something isn't right, stay in touch with your patient advocacy. Keep track of everything. Keep track of ALL meds - Vets can get over medicated or treated with meds that may interfere with each other because of so many different visits and so on. This info isn't to scare you or worry more, it is to help empower you and help you feel not so helpless because you have more control than you think. I got x-rays when they didn't think I needed one - but I insisted. I got other meds, when I knew my meds were not right - I insisted a review...I spoke up strongly and always made it known to whomever (doctor, that I wanted to know WHAT was being done, WHEN, WHY, by WHO, and would NEVER allow anyone to rush the information and if I didn't like the care, I would let them know. VA can give wonderful care, believe it or not, but the last thing they want is an educated patient on alert to anything less the excellent care.

    I hope this helps. I think over time, you will feel more and more hopeful that you really do have more control than you think. And that care, hope, help, and a brighter and happier future is waiting for you. Have fun with your new venture and I am sure God has blessed it.

    I will be thinking of you often and praying.
    Big hugs and lots of love

  4. Dearest Dawn,

    Could you please email me your phone number, I'd like to discuss something with you. I will send you mine as well, but aside from keeping you and yours in my prayers, I have an offer for you.


  5. Hi Dawn,

    I got your comment, but didn't publish it, as I thought you might want it private, so I will respond here. Thank you for writing. I am so happy to hear that you have an advocate, they can be so very helpful. While I don't have any experience with special needs children personally, I do have a couple of friends that have been down your road (although each road has it very own personal challenges). I can say honestly that I just don't have what it takes to handle all that goes with the challenges you are certainly takes a very special strength, and in my opinion, a special angel that God purposely chosen to hand such a responsibility over to. He must have such great faith in your ability, all the more reason to have hope that He is certainly watching out for you.

    I wish I could offer more practical advice to get you through such a tiring season of life. I will say, many, many years ago, I went through a very, very (about 16 years or so ago) hard time, so hard, I will say that by the grace of God, I am here today. And your story is very similar to was 1997, and after two years of true hell, and just getting through each day, not knowing if the next day was even worth hanging around day, I just happened upon a very tiny little booth in an antique mall that was for rent. I had NEVER rented a space before, never sold anything in my life, and had no idea about the business, nor even knew a single person in the business...but something drew me on that very dreary day, and I signed up for that 8x5 space and I went home, not evening knowing what a tax ID number was. Not a clue. Nada, zilch. No real social network or Internet (as we know it) or blogs to speak of back then...but it was the very best thing I ever did for myself to get me out of that season of hell and back into life again and to have hope again about a lot of things. A year later, Elizabeth House was born....and a year later, I had three booths (very large booths) and was doing shows...and four years and a move later, my own store...and on and on it went....all from a dinky little 8x5 space.

    So you see, I share this to hopefully show you that God was watching out for me, when I was sure, SURE He had left me. That He wasn't listening, didn't care about me, and I didn't feel His presence. He was there...and I am convinced that on that day, He had that booth waiting for me, to help me. With all the challenges, appointments, doctor visits, schedules and numerous responsibilities you are facing, I think God has given you this gift of creating, to give you rest, joy, and hope. And in time, He will show you a new season as well.

    All my best, lots of prayers and big hugs

    1. I want to Thank everyone for their Encouragement because it really does uplift me. Especially after a Melt-Down. *Winks* Have to have one of those every so often for myself to Release pent up Emotions and Stress, since during most of the Crisis and Doctor Visits and Caregiving you have to remain Stoic and Strong even if you're not really 'feelin' it! Melt-Downs aren't pretty but I've found them to be therapuetic and so when I need to have one, I allow myself that luxury! *LOL*

      Dawn... The Bohemian


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl