Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Caregiving 101... Try Not To Lose Your Shit At Them


When you're 15 and under, things like someone ripping a Fart, Burping loudly or the word Titties is hilarious to you.  You'll also probably Sleep in your new Halloween Onesie the first Night you own it, so that your Grandparents have a Cow Sleeping on the Sectional as you Faded while watching your Cartoons.  So, when Princess T was picking out new Pandemic Masks as part of  her Birthday Pressie Buying Spree, this one with the word "Titties" on it highly amused her and she hadda have it.  *LMAO*  "Is it Okay Gramma?", she inquired and asked permission first.  I'd already let her pick out one that said "F*ck Covid-19" that we both found amusing, so why now draw the line at a "Titties" one?  If that's her most Rebellious Statement to make right now, I'm Okay with it, could be worse!  *LOL*  Besides, it went Well with her Fishnet Panty Hose and hanging layered Biker Belt Chains don'tcha think?  Yeah, this one ain't no Prissy Girl and could be a Biker Babe in the making?!  *Bwahahaha!*

What I'm NOT Okay with is Old Man Drama, I have just about Zero Tolerance for it, and being almost 70 with TBI means that The Man enters into Old Jerk territory and Man Drama more often than he should risk it around me!   Now, if he can handle setting me Off, then go for it and have a Dirty Harry "Do Ya Feel Lucky" Moment for yourself.  Usually that is not the case... and even tho' he rarely projects the Cranky Old Bastard at me personally, since he knows better, that's only if you're feeling particularly Suicidal and have a Death Wish... projecting it on one of the Kids or Grandkids will really be taking your Life into your own Hands Foolishly lemme tell ya!  I pity the Fool!!!  And Caregiving 101 is try not to lose your Shit at them!  *LOL*  Not losing my Shit is sometimes taking all the Restraint I still have left in me when they Act Up or Piss me Off tho'!  Once Triggered, it's hard to reel myself back in and come back to Center!

Yesterday The Man had a Good Day all Day, but when Full Time Caregiving, you have to remember not to use or hold their Good Days against them!  Because the Good Days will not last or could be brief interludes in an otherwise Challenging Day with ups, downs and sideways... of inability to get along and play well with others... or mood regulate appropriately.  Of being unlovely because you're not Feeling 100% or are not Coping with Pandemic disturbing your Routine and causing a disruption in The Force.  This sometimes Triggers me, I ain't gonna lie, the older I get, the less Tolerant for anyone's Drama I have become, no matter what their Diagnosis or Disability, there is never really a good excuse for bad behavior as far as I'm concerned.  Things can get Tense and I know it wouldn't take much to Trigger me if they don't Feel that Tension in the Air and how Quiet, Stoic and Withdrawn I've suddenly gotten when any of them Acts Up, so as not to go Postal on anyone and come out of the Bag and off the Chain!  *Winks*

Otherwise, it could be, Alas, Poor Yorick, I knew him well!   And besides, I'm too damned Sleep deprived to make up a good enough Believable Alibi or make Bail!  So I really do have to Try not to Kill anyone!  *LOL*  As it was I'd been short on Sleep last Night because at 4:00 in the freakin' Morning someone rang the Doorbell and some Strange Young Dude sweating profusely was nervously pacing about on our Front Doorstep!  WTF!?!   Your Phone ringing or Doorbell chiming at that ridiculous Hour, waking you out of a sound Sleep, gets your Heart racing and pounding out of your Chest anyway... thinking it to be some Personal Crisis and Emergency!  Because why else and who the Fuck would even think it appropriate otherwise, especially someone you don't even know and have never seen before in your life?!  Unless they're having a life threatening Emergency of some kind!   I wasn't sure what was going on, just that it was sending up Red Flags all over the place as my Spidey Senses came Alive and I peered out at this Character!  I didn't like what I saw, I can tell you that, not what he was wearing and not how he was acting!

Needless to say I didn't answer or open the Door, something about this Character seemed really Off to me from the Visuals and our location from the Main Road.  Which isn't the first House you'd even come to for Help... and you'd have to jump an Access Road retaining Wall to even get to our Property, so it was Oddly Suspicious.  After the Local Thief incidents, I'm leery and On Guard anyway, so I woke The Man up and said if he didn't have a Peace about this Dude, we'd be calling the Police to respond to him and Question him about why he was here and what was his Story?!   The Man had a brief conversation with Young Sweaty Dude and the Story wasn't lining up at all and was Weird, so he sternly told him to leave immediately.  The Man can still give you that Sniper Stare Down to Chill your Ass to the Bone and adequately communicate a counter-threat of defending his Territory effectively.  Another Notch on his Belt would be no Problem to Neutralize a Serious Threat.

.The Guy did leave, but without going back Outside, which we didn't wanna do lest he was lurking, we couldn't tell how far off he'd actually gone.  So you still have that unsettling Feeling after that, wondering just how far he wandered off or what he was running from, or under the influence of? Since it wasn't a Hot Night, it was quite Cooled Off and yet he was Sweating profusely and obviously nervous as Hell and kept his back to the House and Eyeballing the Main Road with Paranoia.  Like he was evading something/someone, perhaps not Mentally Well or on something.   All of which I didn't wanna Deal with at Four in the Mornin', in our normally Quiet, Law Abiding and typically uneventful Community!   Which is how we like it to stay and why we moved here!   Oddly, there was more Traffic on the Main Road than usual too, including Emergency Vehicles on their way to the Hospital very close by... these are not Normal Times we're living in.

 And which, since Pandemic, has begun to get a bit Creepy these past couple of Months with Thieves and Weirdos suddenly showing up!   I've heard this from Small Shop Owners too, some have even decided to only do Curbside Pick-Up and Online Sales due to the Weirdos and Sketchy Types walking in to their Establishments off the Streets now, who wouldn't even normally Shop there!  I don't know who to Trust and Believe anymore, Bullshit abounds, it's become Acceptable and Tolerated by a large segment of Society and in Government at the highest of levels!   Granted, 3 Incidents in about 2 Months might sound like a non-issue in the City for many areas, but here, it's unusual, highly unusual and so my Spidey Senses are on High Alert now.  You can take the Gal out of The Hood, but ya can't take The Hood outta the Gal as they say, so my Street Senses pick up on things.  Things from many Years of Experience of having lived in, even grown up in, areas many would not dare even trod!  I can handle myself in Rough Neighborhoods, and with Rough People, done it for a long time, just don't wanna do it in my Old Age really if I don't have to.

If that Individual had been in real Crisis and in Fear of his Life, a brief coherent exchange would have been all that was necessary for us to call for Help for him, while we stayed Safely inside.  The Man would have even ensured nobody came onto our Property to harm him while we waited for Assistance to show up... but that wasn't what he conveyed and it was then just Weird and Suspicious on all levels.  His Story for why he was ringing someone's Doorbell at 4:00 in the Morning was not making any sense and seemed sketchy, we didn't have a Peace about any of it and so he hadda be asked to just leave.  If he hadn't, we would have had to call the Cops, I wanted to anyway, but The Man didn't want any more Drama for the Evening or to have to stay up for a Response or potentially Escalate things if this Character was evading Police in the first place and looking for Hostages?

I do Plan to talk to our Neighbors about the incident, since this Individual claimed to be from Cali and wasn't a Local and didn't seem to know where the Hell he even was, his behavior was Erratic and Odd!?  He was a Young Asian Man, but didn't speak with an accent at all, so he didn't seem like he was evading Human Trafficking, tho' you always have to Suspect that with Healthy Young Adults being kidnapped and exploited against their Will nowadays.  If that was my Young Family Member, and that was their situation, whether American or Foreign National, I'd want someone to Help them get the Authorities to Rescue them.  I still don't know for sure that was his Crisis, or that he hadn't been Drugged or something against his Free Will... but his confusion and inability at conveying what was going on was Strange.  He seemed overly Polite, which is also always a common Ruse to gain Trust. 

So you never know what Danger that Individual could pose for you and your Family if they're a Criminal Element of Society looking for a Mark and pretending to be in distress and need Help, so you let down your Guard and then become Victimized!   Many a Good Samaritan has been Marked by a Predator.  So, that was my Drama in the Wee Hours, and perhaps because The Man got little Sleep and that might have Triggered him to have to watch out for yet another Threat to his Family and Property, he was Pissy Today.  So, he projected that on our Son, when he just called to ask a question about some Mail he was waiting on and hasn't arrived yet!  He still hasn't received his Unemployment Benefits even tho' they were Approved, it's been over Five Months waiting for the Funds and Back Payment to arrive via a loaded Debit Card!  Who knows what's going on with the Mail now it's all being tampered with by this corrupted Administration?!

They claimed they mailed it on the 2nd of September, but we never received it and it's already the 16th, so the Online Service you have to use for your Claims, says you then have to ask them to re-issue!   Which starts the Clock Waiting Game all over again from freakin' Scratch!   You never get a Human Being to talk to so he's frustrated at the inept way Unemployment Benefits are being handled and meted out.  Who can go almost half a Year with no Benefits being received?!  Granted, he's now working Part-time at a minimum wage Job with no Benefits at all, since he was willing to do any Work just to be able to Eat and have a place to stay off the Streets.  But they still owe him the Unemployment for the Months of no Work being available almost anywhere that wasn't considered 'Essential'.  Thankfully he did get picked up on AHCCCS State Funded Healthcare for the permanently Disabled, due to his Mental Health Diagnosis being considered Serious, tho' fairly high functional.

If you were considered a Non-Essential Worker, you just found yourself without Employment or Benefits in most Cases.  Many placed didn't re-open, renew their Contracts, or re-hire Staff, because of the continued uncertainty of this all and the worsening of it.  The Trades all but shut down and even the Subcontract Work dried up, which was his Lifeblood given his Skill Set and Experience.  So now he's working at a small Family owned Restaurant with no Benefits and only Part Time Hours available, but it's Honest Work and he'd rather Work and Earn a Living than to try to apply for Social Security Disability Status.   The Stress of all of this has made his Sobriety precarious too, when you lose everything, Depression sets in and his Mental Illness and Autism Triggers badly.  Hopelessness often spawns self medicating to Escape your grim Reality, it's a vicious Cycle not easily broken once you spiral downwards.  He has his Psyche Meds again, but I don't know if he's even taking them consistently and not Drinking Alcohol with them or using Opiods again?

He knows if he can't maintain his Sobriety he couldn't stay here, he also knows that we can't afford to risk anyone bringing COVID into the household.  With him now working around the General Public, and living his Life on his terms, it was riskier than we've got a Comfort level for.  Right now I don't want to be around any Family or Friends full time that I don't HAVE to live with, while any of us is unmasked and not Socially Distancing.  Just having The Man and Princess T to Care for and be around in that capacity is Risk enough for all of us in this Household due to our High Risk Factors of probably not faring well should we contract the Virus.  We aren't Socializing in person at all, so if other people need to, we can't be around them at all.   I don't even want to be around anyone anymore, that's just how I'm Feeling lately, the less people you've got to interact with, the more Zen your existence and less Baggage to have dumped on you that they may be carrying!

I'm not meeting up with anyone outside of my Household to do anything with anymore, haven't since February.   Had The Son not been having his own Personal Crisis and needing a temporary place to stay 'til he got his own place again, we wouldn't have had in person contact with him either for our Safety.  He doesn't want to be responsible for any of us getting Sick or Dying, Heaven Forbid.   He found an Old Friend willing to Rent him a little Shanty Apartment Shed in Da Hood, behind their Historic 1930's Home, near where he grew up and where he can walk to Work.  I brought all his possessions over to him, it's very substandard, but Hell, I've lived like that myself in the Past, you can do it when you just have to and don't wanna be Homeless as an Option.  We're tough Stock in this Family.  I know Seniors that haven't had their Adult Kids or Grandkids around since Pandemic, let alone their Friends or Acquaintances, in order to keep Safe and try to stay Well. It all Sucks, but it's what we have to Risk Assess Daily in this New Terrible World Situation we're all in and trying to Cope with.

Besides, so many Symptoms RESEMBLE the Symptoms of freakin' COVID, that I am never quite sure if we're getting it or suffering from something more benign?  I got The Trots: could be COVID... Stress... Anxiety... Strain of all of this Pandemic, Political and Personal Drama... something I ate that didn't Agree with me... Irritable Bowel Syndrome... who knows for sure really?   So you wait it out to see if other COVID-like Symptoms show up and start stacking up?  If not, well, you're probably gonna be Okay and even if you have something else, you aren't even Sweating it now, so long as it ISN'T The COVID!  *Whew!*  Seriously, for someone who used to have a Stomach like a Goat my entire Life, lately my Gastro system is seriously Fucked Up now!

I do Feel like I've fallen very deep down some Crazy Rabbit Hole and am living in a Land I hardly recognize anymore and around some Characters I find to be Creepier by the Minute!  Not you Guys of coarse, you're all Wonderful and relatively Normal, me too... relatively speaking of coarse... Winks.  But I mean those other People that we're all suddenly seeing coming out of the Woodwork and out from under their Rocks and who must have always been here, mebbe even hiding in plain sight, we just didn't recognize who they were and what they were about?!   Now we do and it's quite alarming if I must say so... I am a lot more alarmed about the percentage of them, than I wanna have to try to co-exist with!  A lot of them don't seem to be the kind to co-exist Well!

And frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask of anyone to just be Drama Free and try to be a decent Human!  It seems some have more capacity for that than others do.  I'd rather always stay on the side of decency, tolerance and Love... but my tolerance for Negativity and bad behaviors of any kind is waning quickly.  I am coming close to losing the necessary amount of Restraint to try not to lose my shit at people who just can't rise to the occasion of getting along and playing well with others!  Or mood regulating sufficiently to just be pleasant to be around rather than a Pain in the Ass of everyone around them... and thinking that somehow it's everyone else's responsibility to just Deal with that in a Noble way! Caregiving 101 is my Playbook and I do abide by it as much as possible within my immediate Family... but Outside with General Public misbehaving, not so much!  *LOL*

So, if you see some tired looking Old Broad glaring at you over her Mask, that has NOT PC Sayings emblazoned across it... could be me... and you could be getting an unspoken Warning to dial it back Sweetheart, because I've already reached Critical Mass before having to Deal with your shit and Baggage... I got enough of my own to Carry and bear the Weight of... so take your Bag of shit somewhere else and get your shit together... Winks... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. That is scary to have a stranger at the front door at 4 am. I know if I had one, I'd have one of my hockey sticks or my pool cue in my hands. The latter is made of maple and fiberglass, and makes a great club.

    I love the masks. The funny part is when I first saw the white one I thought it said Titleist, as in the golf company.

    1. LMAO at misreading her Mask! And Yes, it was indeed scary to have a very sketchy looking character at the front door, especially at that Hour. It was so strange and the next time I see a Patrol Officer in the area I plan to flag them down and tell them about it so they can keep an eye out for people lurking at odd Hours.

  2. I don't know how I'd react to someone at my door at 4 AM! Very scary, especially given the other attempts at stealing your truck.

    I hate the masks with the big clown smiles on the like something out of a horror movie. But they aren't as scary as the Trump masks. Like you said, those people are coming out of the woodwork and has to be there along. It's feels like we've all lost our virginity in the least fun way possible to see them and the anti-maskers walking around.

    Take care of yourself, Dawn. You've got the Caregiver 101 gig down pat.

    1. Yes, anyone with a MAGA Mask, Hat, T-Shirt, Bumper Sticker, Yard Sign is far Scarier than any Horror Movie Villain IMO! What they support is pure Evil and Anti-Democracy now and if they continue to support it, they are doing it with full knowledge at this point. He isn't even pretending anymore to not start speaking his Mind about everything brazenly and with impunity! Did you hear that he's thinking the Virus is a good thing so he doesn't have to shake Hands with the 'Disgusting People' {ie: his devoted Fans and Cult Base... he finds them revolting... and yet, even that wouldn't sway them, it's beyond Weird!}! I have to muster to get another R.I.P. Post Tribute since I just got Word this Afternoon that my beloved Pastor and Dear Friend, Pastor Ron, had passed away Yesterday. He had been battling Cancer, actually for the 4th time, but had been in good Spirits right up to the end. I had talked to him not long ago, and his dear Wife, they were really hopeful he'd beat it again. Like a lot of Stage 4 people, he seemed to be getting better right before he passed away.

  3. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Cancer is an asshole.

    As for the 4am visitor, creepy indeed. I can imagine your husband getting his fur up, ready to defend your property. Stay safe my friend.

    1. Definitely it triggered The Man to defend his property against a potential Threat. I would rather the Police handle it tho' so if I see this fellow lurking about, I'm calling for them to come see what the Lurker is up to? And yes, Cancer is an Asshole and can be so tenacious to have to battle. He had been doing so well lately that there was the illusion he was going to beat it again, so tho' I know that's not so unusual, a lot of people Lost to Disease can sometimes have a Radiance just before passing... I am deeply saddened he succumbed. He Touched so many lives in Positive ways and Lord knows the World needs more Men and Women like that right now, given the troubled times we're in and how many Devils lurk about out there!


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl