Sunday, September 22, 2019

Discouragement And Being Overwhelmed By Your Reality

Note to Self: Listing Images are deceiving and the Eye of the Lens can make everything look so much Larger than it is and give the Illusion it could Work out!   That's only good when you look Fat in your pixs and Hope that in Real Life you're not so Big, it's not good when you're viewing a Real Estate Listing!  *Le Sigh*  So, yeah, we got the Viewing of The Fab 1940's Adobe we were so excited about.  We even got there early to spend time outside while waiting to get inside. The Location, lot size, Charm and the Character of the Home are Idyllic, inside and out.  However, the dimensions of those Historic Rooms are TINY!  So Tiny in fact that Reality set in immediately... this wouldn't Work Out... not by any stretch of even the most Vivid Imagination... and I have a Fertile Imagination my Friends, I can IMAGINE all kinds of Impossible things being Possible.  I couldn't muster that, try as I might while having a Love Affair with the place and trying to remain Enthusiastic!  A Positive, the thick Adobe construction of every Wall inside and out meant Cooling and Heating would be easy and Cheap!

The Man admitted to it creating an Anxiety Attack and he had to go outside and recover from how claustrophobic it made him feel... and that was with it being EMPTY and devoid of Objects!   We have a lot of Objects... furnishings to the scale of a Luxury Home, it would ALL have to go... yep, ALL of it, nothing we'd need to Keep would fit after we took measurements!   His TBI making it so that we never know what his reaction might be to a place/space/situation, I had to know... now I know, this wouldn't Work for our Family!  I couldn't even MAKE this Work for our Family even if I tried and got drastic!   I considered what drastic would look like and feel like... I almost had a Panic Attack on the way Home contemplating that course of Action!  I Imagined a Natural Disaster... and if Pressed, what would I grab out of each Room that I couldn't Live without and carry out FAST, in a Time Crunch?  Not even THAT MUCH would have fit... and I'm not exaggerating!

It would be completely overwhelming to expect to purge 90% or more of what we own, most of it Loved and/or Beloved, in it's totality, on a brief time crunch, it's not even realistic to consider or contemplate!  Unless you enjoy having a Panic Attack?!  I actually began having a Real Anxiety Attack just thinking about it and having the Reality Check the Viewing had hit me with!  Since to throw our Hat in the Ring would mean Listing this right away, disposing of EVERYTHING in a hurry and pre-qualifying!  Princess T had remained very positive and upbeat, but we had a Heart to Heart Family Meeting and she said she felt so BIG standing in those Rooms, I knew what she meant!  The Ceilings were easy for our Agent and The Man to touch, which would make changing Light Bulbs a snap at least.   To Photograph this Bedroom's 'Closet' Space, I had to be across the entire Room... does it look like I am?  NO, NO... it does not, but I was!  I'd of needed a Fish Eye Lens to make it look like a decent sized Room!

One Bathroom was Water Closet sized, the Master Bathroom not much larger... which we were used to at The Old Historic Homestead, but you have to Live Small when moving to a Small Home and we haven't done that in a Minute now.  It's funny how you adjust to what you are experiencing Right Now.  I think I could walk around that entire Historic Adobe Home in 10 Seconds, here I couldn't walk from our Bedroom to the Kitchen that fast!  Princess T's assessment was that the entire House would fit into just our Living Room and Kitchen... and everything else would have to GO, including everything not proper Scale in our Living Room and Kitchen... which was pretty much ALL of it!  A sobering Observation, a huge Reality Check!   No matter how Organic the Interior Felt, how Charming everything about it was in every single way that Appealed to me on a Visceral level, Small is Small... there's no getting around that in a Big way!!!  The Uniqueness of the Property couldn't be denied... but neither could the Scale of it being inappropriate for us.  The Reality of how much I still have to Work on getting rid of is sobering... daunting even!

 So much that was so Sacrificial to own and spent Years to be able to afford, would have to be liquidated... immediately... probably at a Loss!   But the Yards are Huge... about 1/3 of an Acre in the Heart of the City, Zoned for Mini Farms, since there was a Chicken Coop out back!  Which is a Huge Bonus for sure in an Urban Area, to have large Rural over sized lots!  Yeah, but we won't be LIVING OUTSIDE!   And it would mean expensive Construction Projects IMMEDIATELY in a Historically Designated Area.  Nothing is Immediate in those Areas, it's a Process to Change anything... as it should be to preserve the integrity of History.   The Laundry Building had an extra Storage Room... and there is a stand alone Adobe Garage... so there was THAT.   But what you'd be Living with daily would have to be Minimal to a degree I haven't Lived since about the 1980's when I was still a Nomad, moving constantly!  Yes, I COULD... since I HAVE... but do I NOW WANT to again?  I doubt it if I were to be Honest, I enjoy too much of what I've now spent a considerable amount of Time and substantial Investment Feathering our Nest with. 

I'm already feeling quite Overwhelmed by the prospect we NEED to Move, for a host of reasons... but what that will require in Reality is equally Overwhelming... mebbe MORE Overwhelming!  My Reality Check is that I'm not even close to where I NEED to be and now I am painfully Aware of that FACT!   I am Anxious to have a Forever Home again, a sustainable one that I can easily Maintain in our Old Age.  That Property would have easily been both sustainable and easy to Maintain... if we owned practically no possessions it would even be an Option!  Yeah, the Elephant in the Room is that I own too much shit and Living Tiny isn't likely even if The Man could handle Living Tiny in his current Brain Damaged Condition, which apparently he can't!  He hadn't wanted to deflate my Enthusiasm or mention the Obvious, Bless his Heart!  I'm Glad our Agent is Wise, a Friend, and not so eager for a Sale he'd push or take advantage to close a Deal... so he insisted we talk it over a lot more before making any decisions and get back to him.  I had to Ground myself to Reality and not an Illusion of what would likely be Impossible to achieve.

This is how the conversation went with the pragmatic Princess T during our Family Meeting, who kept it 100% like I asked her to:  "Gramma, if we put our Beds in those Bedrooms, IF our Beds would even fit {???} there would be no room for anything else!   And those Closets, we'd have to get rid of almost all of our Clothes, even Grandpa's Clothes wouldn't fit and he hardly has any!  Most Rooms didn't have Cable/Internet/TV hookup options to use for Electronics.  I think our Sectional would take up the whole Living Room!  Your Bookcase you Love, can't fit anywhere!  You and Grandpa couldn't even be in the Kitchen at the same time, you're both too Big!   And I don't think even the Small Retro Kitchen Table and Chairs would fit in that Dining Nook, nobody would be able to pull Chairs out to even sit down? The Property Outside is real big tho', so you could build more House, you know, so we could still own something and not have to get rid of EVERYTHING!"   We both looked around at EVERYTHING and laughed... yeah, it was a Surreal Moment of Keeping it REAL, no Rose Colored Glasses on!  So Gallows Humor was NECESSARY... it gets us through and Sustains us thru our Reality, such that it just IS!  I haven't done nearly ENOUGH, CLEARLY!  Mebbe I never CAN?!!!!?!??!

 Yeah, she keeps it REAL and doesn't mince Words... I appreciated her Candor... and Reality had set in like a ton of Bricks already, before we even talked as a Family about any of it!  I mean I had Eyes and felt how cramped it was... even EMPTY and with Four People standing in a Room, it felt Crowded and wayyyy too Cozy!   Even just ME standing in any of the Rooms felt pretty claustrophobic and that's with every Room being Empty, so I was trying to Imagine how much more suffocating it would Feel with possessions, even Minimal ones?  So you could never have Guests, or Family Gatherings... unless everyone went Outside! *LOL*   I looked out the Window, as I stood in the largest Room, watching The Man and Germaine out back, choosing to sweat bullets rather than be Inside... and Princess T swinging on the Tree Swing... Yeah, if you all HAD to move Outside to Feel you had Space, Why bother to buy a House, right?!  *LMAO*  I mean, we were all suitably Impressed with the Charm the place oozed, the History was palpable and distinctive in an Amazing way, but it's NOT 1940... shit, it's almost 2020... how people have grown accustomed to Live is different... way different.

We never did find that 2nd Fireplace, even tho' the Brick Chimney is square in the middle of the House if you look at the Roof!  We found the Flue of it in a Utility Closet, but for the Life of us we couldn't find where it would make sense it would have been, the actual Fireplace opening?  So it's Purpose was a complete Mystery?  The Wall the Flue was up against was in a Tiny Hallway where a Fireplace would make Zero Sense!  I mean, Why would you have a Fireplace in a Tiny Hallway near the Kitchen anyway?   We never did figure it out... and I was becoming discouraged enough about Room Sizes anyway, as I measured and realized, WTF, how could I make this Work and what could be Kept at ALL?   I mean even Smalls would be limited, you'd have to be a True Minimalist to live there... and I'm SO NOT!  I took only Four Images inside... FOUR... and Two of those was of One Closet Space... that should tell you something right there!?  I felt a little Nauseous actually, embracing Reality squarely... not Daydreaming about shit that isn't Possible!  I want it with every ounce of my Being... and yet it's not Possible... or Plausible.

We'll still meet to liquidate our Acreage up North later this Week... and at least now I know for sure how easy it would be to preserve The Man's VA Entitlement to buy something else if and when that time eventually comes?   I will continue to aggressively Purge possessions, even moreso now that I know what is limiting Options for downsizing right now.   I don't want to be revisiting this sinking Feeling I felt Yesterday... and which still lingers this Morning as I Create this Post of how discouragement and being Overwhelmed by our Reality is so debilitating!  Now I know Why Mom was in a Panic when she knew she had to Transition to a Nursing Home and dispose of virtually Everything in her Life, which encompassed and represented a Life Well Lived, filled with Objects and Memories she couldn't take with her, you know?   Yes, she did it, no choice, it had to be done... and I know at some point in our Future that could be a possibility too.   Shit, I can't even manage a sufficient downsize to put Villa Boheme' on the Market immediately right now so I Feel rather Trapped and yet Tick-Tock... the passages of Time wait on No-One!  And Windows of Opportunity can be Fleeting... and so Brief to Act upon...


Clearly Struggling this Morning... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I know what it's like to "live" in a place you can visualize from seeing the outside, only to be disappointed when you get to see if your vision and reality line up.

    1. Isn't it disappointing when vision and reality don't line up!? *Le Sigh* I know what I would like a Forever Home to look like, but the dimensions have to be adequate since even after a major purge, I suspect I will have plenty I want/intend to Keep. Looking for that right balance is tricky.

  2. You can do it!! my garage is a disaster and i wont park in it in ages but i packed everything i could and didn't love and its in garage. I sold what i could in estate sale and slowly selling one thing at a time on fb marketplace. I sure wish i could take that candle alter off your hands though!!! wink wink- i would drive to Arizona in a heartbeat

    1. You are being Inspirational Holli, I'm trying not to allow being overwhelmed and discouraged negate the progress I know I can make... and to patiently await when things will line up to balance what I want with what we also need!

  3. I wondered when I saw the photos---those wide lens cameras can really play some tricks on the eyes. Clearly you need a house you can at least knock walls down in if you have to. Even adding on--would not be doable in your climate as utilities/heating and cooling would probably necessitate a double system, much like you already have.

    So sorry---that it isn't going to work out---UPSIDE, you have clarified, exactly what you are going to need, and what you have to do to accomplish that. Good luck, on finding something that is perfect or at least doable!

    1. Yep, those Fish Eye Lens are so deceptive! True that we clarified what wouldn't work for us and what we shouldn't even bother looking at! I think I will have to just concentrate on The Purge for now... and see that thru to completion so that whatever is left is what I intend/want to Keep and how much room that would require?

  4. Oh sweetheart. It is so hard balancing so many priorities. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you this time. But this is just one step in the process. You will get there, and can be encouraged to realise you really do want to move. Look how happy you all were. That is enlightenment at least.
    Love from your purge sister, Jazzy Jack

    1. Purge Sister... I Love that phrase! Seems everyone I know is downsizing so I know our situation isn't unique and it is indeed a Process we're in the midst of figuring out. We had so much feedback from Family and Friends asking us to consider NOT giving up the Big House just yet, overwhelmingly the consensus is that it's best for us right now and we've spent so much time, money and energy settling in. I'm pondering the Future but am trying not to become so restless I make any hasty 'Forever' decision... since if we did move again, it would have to be the permanent Forever Home.


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl