Tuesday, May 21, 2019

The Lust Of The Eye... A Hoarded Life




The Lust of the Eye can be very problematic, I am a sucka for Pretty Things my Friends!  I'm a very Visual person and so many things intrigue and fascinate me visually.  Not everything that does, can or will be dragged Home with me, but what can be, often does end up here, if I cave in to the Lust for possessing it and whatever triggers the impulse to own it?!  It could be as simple as something nondescript and freely found for the taking... or it could be something I've saved up for and made sacrifices a very long time to obtain.  My attachments to it usually have no bearing on actual Value except intrinsic to me personally.  I could get rid of a valuable object and hang on to a worthless one that I happen to value strongly.





I happened to miss this Fabulous object at the recent Event... a Friend of mine at the Event thought of me when she saw it, probably anyone who knows me would.  Not Surprising, it is My Style and I would have Lusted for it had I spied it!   Probably just as well I didn't, given the budget constraints this Month due to Home Repairs and various other unforeseen expenses... Life happens.  But even with Life happening, I can usually manage to procure a problematic amount of Pretty Things over time.  It's like I can't help myself but to... and it's doubtful I'll cease to even in my Quest for that Simplified Life I speak of lately!  *LOL*




By the way, I did get Three items into that Box by the end of Day... well Six objects really, since it was Three Pair of Boots... so lets call it Six!  *LOL*  They are Awesome Boots that I still Love madly and paid a lot for many Years ago, but with the Diabetic issues with my Feet now, not wearable nor practical anymore.  And just occasionally observing how madly I still Love them, while they sat unworn in the Closet for the past Six Years, Years that I've struggled with serious Diabetic Issues, wasn't Helpful!  It was silly to hang onto them so long just because it was a Style I Loved but could no longer wear!  Somebody who can wear them will get a bargain on them in Showroom #114 soon!  Parting was such Sweet Sorrow!




It is a Process for me to be Letting Go of what Visually I still have strong Emotion about just Keeping, practicality aside.  I don't know Why I form attachments to stuff that is not only unnecessary, but often not always in sight or in Mind either until I am Processing it in the Great Edit and Purge... then wrestle with my Emotional attachments to whatever it is!?  Sure, I know what it's Clinically Called... Compulsive Hoarding!   If I see someone else doing that, it's so easy for me to be a casual Observer and say, you forgot you even had that or haven't used or perhaps seen it in ages... just Let it Go man!   I do that all the time while watching 'American Pickers' and the Boys are trying to pry some dusty long forgotten object out of some Good Ole Boy's Hoarded stash of goodies!  *LOL*




And the Old Boy is reluctant or just shuts them down, saying it's not for Sale at any price, even if there's a damned Tree that's grown around it on the back acreage of his Property and it's covered up in other Hoarded objects, since it's sat there for the past 50 Years decaying!  In my Head the practical side of me is telling the Old Boy to take the Money, he won't even Miss whatever it is and taking the Cash makes more sense!  But in my Heart I know I could be that Old Gal with the same reaction to some stuff around here that should Go!  *Le Sigh*   There is some stuff that I've had the chance to Sell to Pickers myself and had to decline their offers... or been unable to get it to my own Spaces to Sell off and Cash Out or voluntarily part with at all!




Any Surveillant of me would also try to talk sense into me, I'm Sure of it... some with the best of Intentions have gotten involved and tried, God Bless them!  But it's like they're trying to communicate with someone from another Planet if they don't have a point of reference to draw from or any understanding of what's wrong with you?!   Those of us with these irrational attachments to stuff are like Alien Beings to anyone not of us.  I know my own Family don't really have a full understanding of what goes on with me when I'm in my Process of detachment and Letting Go... or Acquiring!   Since Why I even dragged most of it Home in the first place when I'm always trying to declutter is beyond them?   Yeah, it's Pretty, but did you HAVE to have it?   Yes... Yes I did or obviously it wouldn't be here now!  *Winks*




When I've watched the Reality Shows that Clinically Deal with such things, they say that it is a Mental Health Disorder and not something someone simply chooses to just do.  That makes perfect sense to me, since it's a compulsion and it's not as easy as just ceasing because you Want to or know you should!   The Behavioral Pattern is very strong once it kicks in or is triggered... and even when it causes significant distress or impairment, you're almost enslaved to it's constant urges you battle with constantly, it's exhausting.   I can resist the urges sometimes... other times, especially when Stress levels are exceedingly high and Life takes a toll, it's harder to..




Those of us with OCD, they say about a Quarter of us are likely to Hoard at some level... so I had a One in Four chance.   So there's Three other people who got Lucky... which isn't the least bit Helpful to me, but I'm Glad for them!  For me the compulsion seems to be specific to Pretty or Unusual stuff, even if it appears random to those not afflicted.  But it seems for most who amass objects they will have a draw to something or to some Behavioral Pattern specific to them as individuals.  When I checked the Signs of Hoarding, well, I exhibited them ALL... the whole damned check list to some degree!




Inability to throw away possessions:  Check!
Severe anxiety when attempting to discard items: Check!
Great difficulty categorizing or organizing possessions: Check!
Indecision about what to Keep or where to put things: Check and Check!
Distress, such as feel overwhelmed or embarrassed by possessions: Check!




There are levels of it and I'm Thankful I'm on the lower rung, which means I CAN discard and do... OFTEN... but I still have the anxiety and overwhelmed aspect of acquisition when it tips the balance to Too Much.  And in recent Years I've not been able to really come down below Too Much, though I keep trying and that's all I can do really... keep trying to.   NOT placing myself in vulnerable positions seems the easy Solution... but it's not... actually they say exposure is better and fight the urge until it subsides and isn't as powerful over you... and Believe it or not, they're Right, the experts... it's empowering and Healing to sometimes have the Victory over the Urge!  Go figure!




I know what my triggers are and what frame of Mind makes me the most vulnerable... so that can Help some.   My Coping mechanism overall has tended to be what causes this problem actually.  Not Coping at all would mean I'd go from being afflicted by this Mental Health Disorder that helps me to Cope and stay somewhat Sane... to just going Insane I suppose?   Yes, my acquisition of Pretty and Interesting Stuff has actually maintained a level of Sanity, during Insane situations Life has just been a Hand dealt out, as a constant for a long time.  Either you Cope or you don't, it's as simple as that.  If I fail to Cope at all I'm useless to anyone and too many depend upon me in my Caregiving Role for that outcome which screws us all!




Finding ways to Cope with things like Crisis, prolonged illness, chronic or lifetime Disability of you or Loved Ones, Loss, Extreme Caregiving or Extreme Parenting... any number of a laundry list of distressing things... may manifest in different ways for different people.  For me Coping has meant accumulation and I don't know Why it manifested that way but it did.   With what we humorously call Retail Therapy and indulgence in The Thrill Of The Hunt for our Feel Good when things are going really Bad... or have been so Bad you can't manage to Feel Good about it!   I could have turned to other things I suppose that were way more destructive or harmfully addictive... so Pretty and Unusual Stuff just didn't seem so Bad to me, as some alternative Coping or Escape Mechanisms could have been. 




And the stigma of Mental Health Disorders is pretty profound in Society, so people mostly and generally don't wanna talk about it openly and honestly. Tho' to me it's Curious why Society can embrace Physical Illness with mostly compassion and empathy, yet judge and vilify Mental Illness as if that's more a 'choice' or taboo about being afflicted with it and associating Shame with it?   I had a person once insensitively and ignorantly voice that she felt Mentally Ill people do it for the 'Attention' and I couldn't help myself, I asked her if she said the same thing to people who had been diagnosed with Cancer?   Just sayin'... it would be equally callous to imply that with any Physical Illness, so Why would you to a Mental Illness?!  You get that with some people tho'... and that's their Problem.




I thought perhaps it would be best for me to initiate The Simplified Life Project on the recent aftermath of Losing a Dear Friend.  Why?  Because it might offset the trigger that Grief and the profound Loss has usually.   I'm not doing Well lately and I know it... I don't want to turn to a Coping mechanism that just creates more baggage... literally!   So Six things in the Box... even if it's just Three pair of Boots for right now, was Enough for Today.  Tomorrow we'll see what else I can Let Go of... if I can Let Go of anything that Day?  Either way will be Okay, I'm on my way... even if I don't yet know where that's taking me?



*******

In Transparency Speaking My Truth, with Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

2 comments:

  1. I feel you Dawn! I feel you. I keep trying to downsize and then go and bring more beauties home!
    It is definitely something about beauty soothing. Who knew that was a thing?
    Well done on the six boots! Small steps...ha,ha!
    xo Jazzy Jack

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    Replies
    1. Small steps... Boots... yeah, irony in that Humor huh? *LOL* I think I get more Emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted when Downsizing because it's having to make so many difficult decisions at once at this point of The Purge. The easy stuff left a long time ago and I have amassed quite a cache of Lovely stuff that's Beauty is soothing to the Soul. Lately I've felt a bit of a Tortured Soul so I've needed that aspect of it's Purpose. Thanks for stopping by and weighing in with Encouragement my Friend.

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