Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Bittersweet Nostalgia And a Reveal



Like a Time Traveler I go back, but you can't really ever actually go back, it's bittersweet Nostalgia to look back thru Images capturing those moments frozen in Time from the Past.  Doesn't matter if it's the distant or more recent Past, it's still over and now gone.   As I get older I find that I'd like to go back to certain times if it were possible, not for a do-over, but to Savor it again as it just WAS, probably appreciating it way more.   In big ways and in insignificant ways you just don't expect to want to Savor again.  There are Vignettes I had that I don't have here because there is no place for them here.  My Antique Trunks still sit in Garage Storage even tho' this Home is so much bigger than The Historic Homestead's Living Spaces were.  Besides, you cannot replicate what WAS and you're terribly Homesick for still... some things are just a misfit here.




I had never experienced Homesickness before since I never really put down any roots while living a Nomadic existence most of my Life.  There wasn't any one place I missed enough because it had been a permanent Home, it was always a temporary one and thus when we moved on, I easily moved on with little to no looking back or bittersweet Nostalgia about it.  I lived in some pretty amazing places and Countries too, so it wasn't even THAT, it was about putting down roots I suppose.  About connecting to a Community and a Home in a more lasting and meaningful way that I didn't have until we owned the Historic Homestead and stayed put for what had been the longest time ever for me personally.   And the ONLY place that The G-Kid Force had ever known, so my Homesickness pales compared to theirs and I still feel Guilt about that, about having to uproot them.

   


And tho' I remain as industrious as an Ant about building Villa Boheme' into our Home, since it's where we're at in the Present Moment and I want to be Mindful of Living in the Moment and not in the Past, it continues to just be hard.  No matter how Lovely I can acknowledge the surroundings are, how Luxurious and BETTER in Quality of Life in every way possible, I long for what WAS, to get our Old Life back, which we can't of coarse.  I haven't had many regrets in Life, even the massive screw ups that can and often do happen during the Journey that is Life, I just don't bother to harbor regrets about, no point.   Shit happens and I just have always been able to move on and move past even the most epic of circumstances.   Except the one regret I confess I strongly have about Selling my Historic Homestead, I Wish I hadn't, even tho' I HAD to.




Circumstances beyond your Control happen all of the time in Life, that's something that you just learn to live with and accept.   Usually I just can without much, if any, bitterness about it.   I am bitter about having to give up my Old Life at Old Bohemian Valhalla, I was Content and Happy there, it was supposed to be Forever and when it wasn't I felt rather cheated.  I cried a river of tears and honestly I can't cry anymore about it, tho' I do get choked up about it, the grief lingers, longer than it has over a death and I didn't expect THAT!  I didn't expect to have grief over the loss of a Home, of a piece of mere Real Estate, like I have.   Didn't matter that I got an exceptional one in return, which I thought would ease the grief of a forced move to finalize the Adoption Process and be a means to an end and an allegedly better Life for everyone.




I've done a lot to this place and I feel Good about all that I have done to make it our Home.  I feel Blessed to own something this extravagant, but I've realized that for me extravagance isn't necessary at all, what was humble and Historic was much more fitting, meaningful to me and Beloved.   The Man says we can always move if I want to and when we can or are ready to, I just don't know I have it in me to do that again... and TO WHERE?   The Young Prince may move out by the end of the Year and then there will be three... and a Cat... and in perhaps 6 or so Years Princess T will be grown up enough to consider her options of independent living.  This is a ridiculously large Home for just The Man and I to putz about in so I don't know that it would be a practical Forever one even if we abhorred the Process of moving again and all that entails.




I waffle considerably like a pendulum swinging between Selling it and Keeping it, a pendulum that swings wildly, sometimes day to day even!   Just enjoy it for now a Lifelong Friend told me, you don't have to think about Forever yet, and so I have been.   And it's Okay, I'm Okay with that... and yet I still feel the bittersweetness of Nostalgia and another Life that I can't get back and Wish I still had.  One I left behind almost five years ago now, WOW, how Time does fly and sometimes how long and drawn out a Healing of the Heart can be simultaneously!   I used to want to Own the Addams Family Manse, from the Old TV Series and I Wonder, does an equivalent exist and is it perhaps waiting for us somewhere unknown as yet?   Or is this it and I just don't recognize it as being what The Forever Home SHOULD look like?  I'm just not Sure yet.




A Friend who is currently in Retirement Transition for finding a new Home has often joked with me about just Owning matching Vans down by the River as our final Retirement Plan!   SNL skit with Chris Farley in Mind we laugh hysterically about it... yet are almost Serious.  We would be Living in a Van down by the River type of Gals actually and be utterly Content, only we've both accumulated so much Cool Stuff that we'd need big Barns too!  *Winks*   A visual of that always makes me Smile only because for many that would be a worse case Scenario to ride into the Sunset with as a final Living arrangement, but for us we've experienced worse and know it wouldn't be all that bad.   Some of my fondest Memories came from times of lack and not times of abundance.  I don't necessarily NEED abundance, to whom much is given much is required and that can be burdensome in ways that I find uncomfortable and restrictive actually.




I remember that my Mom said one of the benefits of growing quite Old was in shedding Worldly things more effortlessly as you prepare for leaving this World and going on to another Realm.   In the latter part of her Life she was quite prone to giving things away freely to those she knew would cherish them.  Nice things, often of Value, the things she had Loved most actually and Kept.  Not the typical things you just give away at other Seasons of Life.   Dad was not at all materialistic so he didn't accumulate stuff, I think that The Man is very much like my Dad that way, he could get rid of it all and not bat an Eyelash about any of it being gone or miss it.  I would imagine that over Time we will continue along with this downsizing Process until we no longer feel the Need to.




Looking back at what has been Lost and what has been freely Given Up I do find that the only thing missed is what was Lost, not what was freely Given Up!   That's interesting, I think The Free Will Choice matters.   There is no real Feeling of Loss when you just are Ready to Give something Up... or to set it Free.   I was always able to allow every Child I've raised to have their Freedom when the Time came that they were ready to have it.   Several Cats we've Loved and Shared Life with chose to leave, just like that, they came Freely and they left Freely and I was OK with that too.  There was not the Missing of them or the grief like the ones that Death took away.  In my new Meditation Room I've Meditated Deeply on some Deep subjects like this, it's been therapeutic.




I can manage now to Look Back with bittersweet Nostalgia, Look Forward with Hope and Live in the Present Mindfully all at once without as much inner conflict being waged.  It's a Process tho' that continues to be Walked Out and Worked Out in due Time... however long that will take... I'm just not Sure?   I've been immersed in Projects and that's made me not dwell upon Negative things invading my thoughts as I've been busy with Positive things coming to fruition instead.   But I cut my foot last Night on a glass shard hidden deep within the pile of the Upstairs Art Loft carpeting and it's sidelined me a bit.  It wasn't anything we'd broken and so I can only imagine it was deeply embedded in there from the previous owner and didn't come up with vacuuming? 




Being an insulin Diabetic and careful of my Feet, due to complications you just get on your extremities with that disease, it was an unexpected injury I didn't Need!   Not that you ever Need an injury, but Healing from one can be complicated for me now and I certainly don't Need THAT!   I bled like a stuck Pig and The Man and The Young Prince scrambled to stop the bleeding, apply pressure and dressing, get me hobbled Downstairs... and then taking it easy.  Having that 'Down' Time is usually not Good for me coz I get inside my Head way too deeply for my own Good.   Thus this Post... since I just couldn't spend all freakin' day Resting and languishing, sleeping and keeping it elevated.  It's a slash on the Pinkie Toe of my Driving Foot and now it hurts, which sucks, but of coarse the location could have been worse.  And I'm Thankful it wasn't one of the Grandkids or their Friends that got hurt on that hidden shard of glass!  *Whew!*




They both scoured the rest of the carpeting to ensure there wasn't any other broken glass hidden in the carpet pile?   I hadn't realized what had even cut me given there was nothing up there that should have, so I was Thankful that The Young Prince's investigation turned up the culprit!   Dangers can lurk just about anywhere, proof positive.   They do say more major injuries happen in the Home than anywhere else, proof positive yet again, I just feel a lot more vulnerable at this Season of Life to injury.   I think to myself, more than just a little bit, a two story Home is probably not a good Idea as The Man and I get closer to our Seventies!?!   Hell, being so Rural is probably not a good Idea as we get to that juncture either... and so that constant War rages in my Head as to when the Timing would be Ideal to Move On when ever we just HAVE to again?




I don't think anyone likes Moving tho', it takes a lot out of you in The Process of it and the more shit you drag around behind you the more of an Ordeal it can become!   Yet I am a shit accumulator that is a FACT... Smiles... Cool Shit but shit nonetheless!  *Winks*   I am somewhat of a shit Magnet actually, stuff seems to just Find me, I don't even have to be actively seeking it anymore!  Talking with my co-worker Friends at the Antique Mall we realize that each and every one of us is similarly afflicted tho' and often share the lamentations of it and the joys of it.  We are the Hunter-Gatherer Tribe of Humans... the Human Magpies... The Keepers Of The Past... The Consummate and Incurable Collectors... Curators of Cool Stuff... Preservationists... Rescuers of what would have been Forever Lost had we not Saved or Salvaged it... whatever other Label you wanna slap on us that fits!?  *LOL*  I guess we Serve our Purpose in the Grand Scheme of things and Feel Purposed to do what we do.




I do it quite Well I ain't gonna lie... and I'm just Thankful that for me anyway there is no offsite Storage showing the Outcome of what could get out of Control if you don't keep a lid on it!  *Whew!*  In fact, my Hoarding Instincts being what they are and seem to have always been, it's Miraculous really that I Let Go of so much whenever the Time comes that I've reached what I Believe to be Critical Mass and Saturation Point!  *Sigh of Relief*   No regrets there, anything I have freely Released I never want back... it's always just those things pried from my grasp on them involuntarily or under coercion or duress.   And so it is and shall probably always be for me... and acknowledging that is important I guess so that I can at least rationalize it and the range of Emotion it evokes.





Especially when Looking Back... and then Looking Around... and noticing those things I've at least tried to recapture the Essence of, as much as one can anyway.   The Environment I not only Crave but seem to just Need desperately.  To feel at Home, or to feel Grounded and Content enough to be optimally functional.   I find that I don't like Change very much actually, I find deep Comfort in some things remaining the Same.  I'm not opposed to embracing Changes, some have been very good and promote a lot of growth... other things I just miss terribly when they are Changed or messed with and I'd like for it to be the way it just WAS.   I drive past places where Magnificent Ancient Trees used to be and now there are stupid shit like a widened Road replacing it or worse, just Vacant barren Land awaiting the next Greedy Developer or Investor... or where a Historic Home stood and now it's a freakin' Parking Lot or worse, a Seas of nondescript Subdivision Hells!




I have managed to retain some things that just aren't the same anymore, like my little Dic-Dic who used to be perfect until she fell off the Wall here at New Villa Boheme' and suffered considerable damage.  I did the best reconstruction job I knew how to with E-6000 and marginal knowledge of Taxidermy Restoration!   It's not awful it's just not the same anymore, but at least all was not Lost and she just has more Character now I guess you could say.  I have her anchored on the Wall now so damned securely an Earthquake probably wouldn't budge her... I've had to learn to do that with a New Build... they just don't build Homes like they used to, not even the Luxury and Custom Models!  I terribly terribly Miss Owning a Historic Home... in a Perfect World I could get the 2nd chance to again before I die... we'll wait and see.




I've found a place for most Stuff Beloved here at New Villa Boheme', tho' in my Mind, regardless of how impressed anyone else is with this Home, it doesn't hold a candle to my Beloved Historic Homestead.  In particular my Carriage House converted Art Studio Cottage... which I Miss with a longing I cannot accurately describe in mere Words.   I miss The Hood... I'm just glad I CAN go back on visits regularly to my Old Community even tho' I'm no longer a part of it, I am in my Heart at least.   They miss us there... I know we wouldn't be missed here, in fact I don't even know that we're relevant enough, nor anyone living around here, as part of this 'Community', to ever be Missed?  People come and go with frequency around here and most don't ever even know their names or faces, so seldom were they seen and certainly none are Missed nor even Remembered... so absent their Connection to forming a Real Community!




So I distract myself with irrelevant shit like how best to display and utilize my insane Collection of Vintage and OOAK Pillows?   The Walk-In Closet Reading Nook in the Meditation Room was the perfect solution!  So I'm setting about gathering up the Pillows I haven't Sold Off and Creating a Harem like comfortable setting in there on the Floor of it to lounge upon, to Read and listen to Music or just Nap.   I fondly recall in my Art Studio Cottage at the Old Homestead that Princess T, as a Toddler, like to bury herself in those mounds of Old Pillows like a Fort!   Peeking out at me as I Created my Fabric Art and Gypsy Carpet Bags.   I felt much more Creative in that Environment, less so here, in fact, I have Created shit here really, nothing noteworthy anyway!




The Date on the Camera Frame says 2009... yet it seems like a Lifetime ago... an Eternity ago... a whole other Life ago... and yet, just under less than a Decade ago.   She's Growing Up, we're Growing Old... everything has Changed and morphed at warp speed and I just can't keep up anymore nor do I Care to actually.  I plod along reluctantly actually, mostly too tired and worn out to move Fast anymore towards anything.  More reluctant to even move towards anything Truth be told, I'd just like for a while anyway to stay Still and Chill.  So I have mostly... been Chillin'... and sometimes getting too Deep inside my own Head when I'm not constantly keeping myself busy with the Stuff of Life.




Doing this, that and the third, which mostly entails Halloween right now and the Decorating for it.  I can easily and happily lose myself in Halloween since it is my Favorite of the Holidays and Seasons.  Autumn being a time of year that is just sublime here in the Arizona Desert.  And Halloween allowing my Morbid fascinations and Aesthetic to be front and center without judgment, since this time of year it's acceptable to Decorate with the Weird and the Wonderful, the Creepy and the Macabre, and most don't know we just live like this all of the time!  *Bwahahahahahaha!!!*   I have a house full of Young Guys right now as The Young Prince has Friends over and they just think our Home ROCKS!  Most don't relate to the Young's preferences, but for me I have much more trouble relating to most of my peers.   Does that mean I'm perpetually Immature I Wonder and not a Real Grown-Up yet over six decades into Life?  *Bwahahahahahaha!* 

   


And even tho' it's not completely finished yet and none of the Belgian Cut Velvet Antique Pillows nor all of the Kilims are yet scattered on the Floor, just my insane Vintage Feather Ticking Fabric Pillow Hoard, I've decided to Reveal the Walk-In Closet Reading Nook now.   My Antique Barrister Cabinet will eventually hold a host of Curiosities... and more Books are coming in from this Library too as I organize all of my Reading Materials and Inventory or Categorize them.  It's a good start, I bought a bunch more Antique Metal Milk Crates from our Antique Mall, since I didn't own nearly enough for the Bookcase Vision I'd had.   I could buy more and certainly could house some more but that will have to wait on the dreaded Budget to improve first... dammit!




I allowed my OCD to flourish here during this Project, so I have most of my Collectible Magazines organized by Date and which Magazine they are together.  That helped me find any duplicates right away and I'll Sell those Off at the Antique Mall now and use for the slush fund to buy the missing publications in the Series.   I hadn't realized how massive my Collection had built up until I had it all in one place... some I've been Collecting for Years, like the Jeanne d'Arc Living Nordic Publication which I began buying while it was still only in Dutch and before they began issuing it in English!  My Campagne Magazines which were always in French and I just can't get anymore in this Country and which postage to have a subscription from France has gotten just too expensive to justify.




My Vintage Tapestry Bolster Pillows and Kilims will grace the barren back wall to lean upon.   The upper shelves still hold Storage items but the Ceilings are so incredibly high that visually you have to look way up to bother seeing all that so it doesn't bother me Aesthetically.   A lot will be re-organized and tweaked over Time anymore, so this is just the rough draft of what the Vision was for this space and it will continue to Evolve.





And this angle I hesitated and was reluctant to share in case any of you belongs to the Rescued Milk Crate Police!?!  *LOL*  In actuality at the Historic Homestead one of the Adobe Outbuildings was stacked high with Old Salvaged Plastic Milk Crates. Many from now defunct Dairies around the Valley and many now in poor condition due to Age and Use.  No telling how long The Old Man who used to own the Old House had been Salvaging and Rescuing them from becoming Landfill bound on Bulk Trash days, since you see them every Bulk Trash day curbside and filled with debris?   That whole Homestead was built from Salvage and Mr. Case and his Uncle Mr. Abbott were diligent about Salvaging everything they could and repurpose it!   I just didn't have the Heart to leave them all behind when we moved since I could find a myriad of uses for them in transporting stuff during the Epic Move and then for Stackable Storage and impromptu Furniture solutions like this eventually.  Not to mention, when Selling most Buyers wanted a clean canvas and empty Buildings to inherit so we cleared everything out first.





And now to Show Off my Five Dollar Antique Side Table with Inlay that I got at our Antique Mall last Night and my shamefully dirty Wood Floor!  *LOL*   Darker Wood Floors are so damned unforgiving, I Love them but damn, I can't keep them spotlessly clean to save my Life!  I had Swiffer Swept this very spot just Yesterday... and look at it... so sometimes I just don't bother to get all worked up about having Clean Floors anymore or I'd lose my Mind about it and Work myself to a frazzle in futile attempts to!  I didn't realize how many damned Hairs the Cat, The Man and The Force shed daily til I had Wood Floors!!!   Me now with Dreads, not Guilty, I no longer shed my Locks all over the house.  *Winks*




I Love the Classic Victorian ornate detailing of the Table and how handy it is to be beside my Recliner.   And OMG does that Floor look even more shamefully dirty in this angle... I blush, my domestic goddess shortcomings clearly evident!    The Man used to joke that he didn't mind me being a laid back Hippie housekeeper coz I had great Earning Potential in my Corporate Lives days... since I used to out earn him... now he can't even default to that excuse!  *Bwahahahahaha!*   Ah well, he still Loves me, Bless his Heart... and honestly, most Men don't even seem to notice if a Home is spotless or like ours... they tend to be oblivious from my personal observations!  *Ha ha ha*




And now for a Sweet Blast from the Past, 1980's Era to when The Son and The Mama of The G-Kid Force were small...   awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

*******


Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

2 comments:

  1. Wow! I'm not sure I would like to move anymore either. Our last move is just 6 years ago and it was a nightmare. "Never so much stuff again" was the mantra for about a year, and then it was forgotten... I'm still regularly going through my stuff and giving a lot away - it's really freeing. I keep things that mean soemthing to me, but the rest eventually has to go.

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    Replies
    1. I agree completely... very conflicted about the possibility we could have to move again, it is such an Ordeal that takes years out of just being Settled.

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

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