Monday, July 2, 2018

Saris And Overwhelming Paralyzing Fears... Do It Afraid?



Today we drove way Eastside on purpose, to view a property I desperately want to buy but am paralyzed with the fears of moving, of buying and selling Real Estate again, downsizing considerably yet again, of all the Stress and Work that involves... while still full time Caregiving of The Man and the two Special Needs Grandchildren.  I don't know if said paralyzing fears will prevent me from Acting upon it... but if not now, then when?   It is near EVERYTHING on my Wish List of Ideal Location, Location, Location!   Literally... a Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Sprouts, Safeway and Fry's Marketplace for Groceries less than a 5 min. drive away instead of an Epic Road Trip every time you need to buy food or even a gallon of Milk!   A nice Mall with a peripheral of great Restaurants and Shopping all around said Mall for several blocks.  We stopped at the Mall... and the Whole Foods... and soaked in what Life would Feel and Look like if one lived nearby.   The Mall had the most amazing Import Shops, I had to take a couple pixs of my Favorite Saris at the World Mercato and Mehndi Shop.

  


The Man seemed to be enjoying himself too... tho' the thought of Moving again had caused Princess T to have an Anxiety Attack even tho' she Wants to Move... her fav saying nowadays when something is a Knock-Off is that it's as Fake as the Kids at her School!   Sad, but True, she tried to fit in but doesn't want to be Fake to do it, she's too Authentic to Self, Thank God... but starting over again and being the New Kid again is paralyzing and overwhelming to her also.  I understand, I too feel completely Overwhelmed when I even Think about it... and yet... I don't want to stay here, it's Soul crushing to remain too long.  In my Heart I left a long time ago actually, there is a detachment I simply cannot get Over and the superficial, pretentious, uptight, fake Community around it has a LOT to do with it.  I don't even Want to 'belong' here, these are NOT my kind of people, we are not their kind of people... it's self evident!   Villa Boheme', tho' visually Idyllic, was simply a means to an end and I deluded myself into thinking giving up what we had and were Content with, to pacify The System and get the Adoption finalized, by complying with The Standards set for being 'Approved' and ditching what they deemed a 'substandard' Home to have all of this... well, that it would be worth it.








Worth it, that's very subjective... was it Worth giving up Contentment, Happiness and a deep Attachment and Love of our Beloved Home and Community in order to have a System dictate what is 'acceptable' and where we 'should' live to Raise a Family?  I knew I'd give up anything and everything to ensure my Grandchildren were not taken from us and have a System involuntarily find 'alternative' placement, whatever the Hell that would have meant, given their Special Needs and particular circumstance, which was VERY complicated?!   That I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt... so whatever it Cost I was Willing to Pay it... to do whatever it took... even if it Bankrupt us in every way and not just financially!  I suppose that is why my Heart aches for those Children being separated from their Families involuntarily and not kept track of as well as we'd track freakin' property belonging to someone!   I cannot even imagine the anguish the Children and their Families are Feeling, enduring and having to put up with, due to a System so broken nobody even has a Clue how to actually 'fix' it.   That's how I felt about the System we were dealing with, with it's rules and regulations... where the keeping of a Family together takes a back seat sometimes to the Humanity it actually involves.   Problems which cause Family separations are not always Voluntary, circumstances that create problems can be complex and difficult to Solve.  So much grey area... clouding the fact that Human Beings are involved!









So yeah, I dare to daydream and try to find a Forever Home, because I'm just that Restless daily, miserable to the point of which 'pain' is worse or least... staying put or stepping out in Faith again... even tho' I'm absolutely terrified of going thru another Ordeal.   I torment myself with the possibilities and options, while remaining paralyzed with inaction because it would require so much of me and I just don't know, do I have it IN me to get it all accomplished without sufficient Help again?   I know the Cavalry isn't coming, IF I step out in Faith again then it will be up to God Himself to have my Back and make it happen some kind of Miraculous way.   So the Trust Issue is a Test of my Faith that He will continue to sustain us, to ensure that no matter what I am up against, a way will be found.   The Cost of the Journey is more than economics, sometimes I just feel so weary and worn out I am hesitant to take even that one step towards a Journey of a thousand miles, you know?   Even tho' the Journey of a thousand miles HAS to begin with one step!!!   The Man has encouraged me to just Do it... as has The Young Prince.   But the carrying of the load will ultimately be mine to bear and I know this and so my internal turmoil is epic!








I can envision us here... and I'm Sharing becoz the Imagery does sustain me in so many ways.   It is NOT the perfection of the place that is Appealing, it is the imperfection of it that attracted both The Man and I to it.   We liked everything 'different' about it actually, how Unique it is... and that is is Circa 1960 and with no devil of an HOA.  This is more our kind of Space, quirky and eclectic enough to meld with our very Essence.  It is the best of both Worlds in that it's right up against a protected Mountain Preserve for him... and in the Heart of the best part of the City for me.  It is half the size of Villa Boheme' and without Garage or Storage on site, which is problematic given how much shit I'd have to immediately Sell Off!  And yet stuff is just stuff... and the discarding of it towards Simplicity has been an ongoing Goal, an ongoing battle anyway.   My Dad came to Mind, as he always does when I'm faced with indecision, with fears and uncertainty about what to do or how to do it?  He was always the Voice of Reason, a stoic Soul of few words, but they were always profound ones born of Wisdom of the Elders.  He reminded me of that Stone Boulder carved Indian Face sitting in this front yard!  He was a good Listener and as I'd ramble on he'd sit there and take it all in, then bestow Sage Advice that was always a Comfort... and always the Right thing to do.   I had one of those Silent discussions with him conveying up to Heaven what his Daughter is feeling down here on Earth.   I do the same thing with God, my Heavenly Father... like Dad... the dialogue now is Spirit to Spirit since our realms are separated by Time and Eternity.   It is doable... the logistics will likely be stressful and thus cause Fear and some Anxiety.   I already kinda knew what Dad would have said, three mere words: "Do it Afraid..." 

*******

Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... where I sit straddled on the fence of indecision right now... Dawn... The Bohemian

10 comments:

  1. Do it afraid. I love that phrase! Wow you are on the precipice of challenging and a wonderful New Opportunities. I wish you strength and making it best dishes and decision for yourself and following through with patience and commitment.

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    1. I almost fell right over that precipice my Friend... ha ha ha... in my excitement I wasn't being at all logical, like I HAVE to be about Real Estate transactions, which is why Sleeping on it gave clarity and the decision that tho' I'd LOVE that place, it has insufficient storage and the logistics of buying it, while selling this, would be massive... along with a huge downsize again... and I'm just still too slow to even pretend I could plow thru every possession and get rid of more than 50% of it in a hurry without knowing that it would be a financially unwise move. My Pout was really very Dramatic, I could have won an Oscar I tell you, smiles... but now I've Faced Reality, I can act Adult again. *Ha ha ha*

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  2. Dawn, just do it! I have a really good feeling about it. It's sooooo you! You'll always regret it if you don't. Blessings

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    1. It was very tempting to Just Do It Lesley, but buying and/or selling Real Estate is something I don't take lightly and I'm prone to analyze it all for a very extended time. In actuality the timing is not right and the task of buying, selling and downsizing again considerably would be too epic for me to handle with everything else I have on my plate right now. I'll confess I had an Epic Dramatic Pout about facing that Truth... winks... perhaps in due time the right property and the right timing will line up, I must be patient and wise about it all.

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  3. It looks great and also nice neighborhood. less time driving to get the necessities of living is always great.

    Have you ever checked into the empowerment scholarship from the dpartment of education for your grandkids education needs, it has been great for my son on the spectrum.

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    1. That Town of Paradise Valley is very nice, always has been a great zip code and property values remain very stable because of the good reputation. However, after sleeping on the decision I've decided it is all a bit too much right now to seriously consider for so many important reasons. I had a good dramatic Pout about it... but I have to ensure any move from Villa Boheme' would be the Forever Home so I have to be very objective about every detail and potential obstacle.

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    2. BTW No I had not heard of the Empowerment Scholarships, Thanks for telling me of them!

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  4. I don't know if I could live with the deliberate partial plastering, but everything else looks great. This is smaller than Villa Boheme?!! How would your Man climb that gorgeous spiral staircase to the wonderful roof deck?
    Do you think you are vacillating because the last move hasn't turned out so well? But you knew that all along. "Do it afraid" has been my whole life! Love it. You can do it Dawn. I'm sure your friend would help you. Hugs xo Jazzy Jack

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    1. Jack thanks for the encouragement, yes, much smaller than Villa Boheme and that is the biggest obstacle, downsizing in a hurry would be brutal and financially not wise. I slept on it, after careful consideration I realized that for right now, this home does not have sufficient storage and I doubt I could ready Villa Boheme', which is enormous, for a speedy sale in a time crunch either... too stressful and I'd have no delusions it would take a Team effort rather than just an Army of One. *winks* I pouted for a full day... very dramatically... ha ha ha... the timing just isn't ideal right now to make such a drastic change and yes I vacillate exactly because the last move hasn't turned out so well, you are spot on, you can never know all the potential drawbacks until you're dealing with them... on the surface the grass does always appear greener. Ah well, in due time perhaps???

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