Friday, June 8, 2018

The Illusion That Can Be Life



As I learned about dear Anthony Bordain's suicide and Kate Spade's just before, it opens up a personal wound.  I am the Survivor of a Suicide Attempt some years ago.   Suicide and the prevention of it is a discussion that is long overdue in Society and still carries enough stigma, enough shame, enough judgment that it's not a conversation Society is comfortable having really.  Not until someone Famous succumbs to it, or it hits Home with someone you know personally and then HAS to be faced.




The common fallacy is that many fully believe they would never in a million years ever come to That Place themselves, I was one who believed that way, to my very core in fact!   It was what happened to other people, just like you always believe you won't be the victim of a Crime or a tragedy befalling someone else.  Being smug in the illusion that nothing would ever make you consider such a Dark thing is easier than the reality that nobody really knows their own Breaking Point of utter despair and Hopelessness.




Dear Anthony, I've enjoyed his popular series and personality so much, I feel as though he was a Friend, it was shocking, as suicide always is.  He must have concealed his personal torment, his despair that led to that Dark place, carefully... either that or those who knew him aren't saying?   I know I carefully concealed mine, putting on a happy face thru extreme Caregiving and pretending I could handle it all without the Help I knew wasn't coming even when begged for.   Soldier on, like you always have, for so long that I felt I just COULD... and when I couldn't it came on so fast that I shocked my own self!




The self of me that I didn't even 'know' was there... that didn't want to go on, that Needed to escape and saw no escape or way out other than Death.   For a person who Loves Life as much as I do and appreciates the privilege of growing Old it was contradictory to my Normal state of Being.  As a devout Spiritual Being it was a Sin, I knew this, I Believe this, yet it didn't and wasn't enough to prevent an attempt.  I was naive to assume it would actually... more than half the people I met who attempted were people of deep Faith.  It's not something only those with no or little Faith do... or that only the weak and with nothing to Live for do.    As a Survivor of a suicide attempt I had to weather the outcome of Surviving it, the misunderstanding and judgment that surely came.  People don't know how to react, what to say, what to do, it's just too damned uncomfortable to Go There... so they just don't... or become overly Pious.  Because you know... it would never be THEM and all that.





Not to your face anyway, most of them, mostly behind your back, because that would be Rude and show their arrogance and ignorance or misunderstanding of the very act itself.  If you had the Real conversation face to face it can be awkward but it is preferable, believe me, it's more Respectful and infinitely more Compassionate.  But sometimes people will change, relationships will change, afterwards... because it's become the Elephant in the room.  Wow, that person I thought I know, I didn't really 'know' at all... you're thinking that, they're thinking that... scary shit... sometimes Guilty shit to face.  What could I have done... what could any of us have done that didn't get done?  Who wasn't there, why weren't they there?  On and on the conversations in everyone's Head Space can go because they didn't see it coming.  Shit I didn't even see it coming so how could anyone else, right?!   I didn't even write The Note... there doesn't have to be The Note you know... or a Plan... and leaving an Explanation... that's another shocker!  In actuality you must rely upon yourself exclusively when confronted with Dark Thoughts that are yours alone to overcome... or succumb to.   The Brokenness is humbling lemme tell ya!




Yes, suicide is insidious like that, you can never say what you'll never do because until it's you and you've reached your own personal Breaking Point, you can't relate, you can't really know for SURE!   What will take you there?  May you never have to find out my Friends.  May you never be Tested beyond your personal point of endurance, pressed above measure and beyond strength and even Faith that God would rescue you.   When I hear people say how 'selfish' it is and how could they do that to Loved Ones they leave behind I want to smack the shit out of them!  Because it's not about EVERYONE else all of the time!  For me it was Caregiver burnout that was my ultimate Breaking Point, decades of it. I'd thought about everyone else all of the time until there was none of Me left, I was expended, exhausted, a lot of negative adjectives.   In hindsight I'm beyond Grateful that God did in fact spare me, rescue me... since it didn't succeed and it surely should have, that's a Medical fact that remains The Mystery.  




Each person's REASON is deeply personal so don't presume to tell anyone else how they should Feel or act in any given situation, they are NOT YOU.  You should probably be Thankful for that, coz if they WERE you, and you'd be taken to The Place of end of Self, perhaps you'd be the one Mourned, we'll Thankfully never know!  To those who presumed to stand in judgment of me or any other Suicide Victim or Survivor... Fuck You... you're clearly part of the Problem, not part of the Solution... so that's all I have to say about that... judgment is not Helpful.  Lemme just tell you that a week in Psyche Lockdown with others who Survived their attempts taught me more in seven days about Humanity and the intense suffering in it, and personal torments endured, about Breaking Points, than a Lifetime before it had!   I bonded and liked so many I met, heard their Secret stories, they were just like so many of us, so you couldn't necessarily have distinguished them outside of the walls of the Hospital actually!   Only they had been taken to The Place and Tested.   Some more than once actually, since if one is dead serious about dying, it isn't something that just Magically goes away because you once failed at it.   I knew those I met in Hospital would succeed... some in Living and some in eventually ending it successfully.  It made me profoundly Sad that some would no longer be a Survivor of it, but a Victim of it.




Entering the Darkness of Negative Head Space is a battlefield of the Mind, it can be circumstantial, it can be Illness related, Mental Illness related, it can be a lot of things, it can be anything and everything.   It is so deeply personal that only that individual who is experiencing it can attest to the levels it gets to and how successful they can combat it while the inner War wages!  It would be obscene to presume to judge anyone unless you have actually walked in their shoes and experienced what they have endured and could endure no more.   But it's so easy to stand in judgment isn't it?  To have an Opinion... a smugness... because if it's NOT you, well then, you feel very Safe in your stance.  I always felt very Safe in my stance BEFORE it happened, not so much now... tho' I'd like to Hope I never am taken to The Place again... it's a terrifying Place to be confronted with actually... it's a very Alone kinda Space to hold.  To stand on the precipice of and see the Abyss laid out before you, luring you in... knowing it's a Social Taboo you are entering into.  Perhaps Voluntarily, hard to know for sure, I know I sure didn't Feel very much like Myself at the time!  Nor during the time afterwards of Recovering from it... and being wheels off the rails and so far into I don't give a shit anymore that it's very hard to Come Back from successfully and the Social awkwardness that you know will follow.

  


And that's why many don't seek Help, don't receive Help even if sought, Life can be an Illusion, you just never know what REALLY is going on in anyone's personal space or personal Head Space and just their Life as only they can 'know' it.   Everything can seem Right and be all Wrong... everything can seem Wrong and yet be alright and Well with you regardless.  It's complex, some are plagued with Suicidal Ideology they must always Fight valiantly and perhaps even daily, some it's just a sudden impulse to Fuck it and not go on because the pain of Death seems lesser than the pain of Life.   It's becoming an increased epidemic with rises in the numbers... two high profile suicides in a matter of days brings that harsh Reality Home... to make us consider... and HAVE to finally talk about it... no matter your own comfort level in doing so.  RIP Anthony and Kate... and the countless Anonymous others we never heard about... your Memories on this side of Time and Eternity to those who knew you and who considered you Beloved, were indeed Special.  Let us try as a Society to seek more understanding, more compassion, reach out more to those who we might suspect are particularly vulnerable at a place in their Lives... so they don't have to conceal it anymore and can be Open about it coming to Mind and feel that in doing so it's a Safe Place to discuss it without condemnation.

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE Open 24 Hours: Call 1-800-273-8255


All Images in Today's Post compliments of Internet.


*******

Blessings, Love and Peace from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

13 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Your welcome my Friend, if the discussion can open some Minds and Hearts or Save even one precious Soul it was well worth the personal transparency.

      Delete
  2. Dawn, I am saddened to learn of your battle. I'm so glad you are here ;) You have an amazing gift with words and I really enjoy reading your posts ��

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You for those sweet words and I'm glad you have enjoyed Posts even tho' some are tough reads, depending upon content. The fluff of life is Fun to write about, the difficult and controversial topics are deeper and often much closer to the Heart, the very Soul of Humanity, aren't they?

      Delete
  3. Thank you daw3n for sharing your darkest times I pray, like you do that it will help someone who is struggling to realize their need and get help!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too Marlynne, each Precious Soul deserves the support of those around them so that they never feel so Alone, so Hopeless, that they feel they simply cannot go on carrying any burden by themselves. You are always so supportive my Friend, big Virtual Hugs for that, your Compassion always shines thru.

      Delete
  4. I respect and appreciate everything you wrote and I'm going to meditate on what you said. There's a lot there for me to chew on. What you did and sharing all this was important and I know it's going to lead to positive results. May all of us get the support we need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, respecting that it is a topic so complex and so often misunderstood and judged can be a huge help in opening lines of discussion and assisting those struggling with Life and perhaps with Dark Thoughts they are wrestling with. To feel Alone in it and that you cannot discuss it or turn to someone for fear of Social disdain just adds an added negative layer. I fully agree that all of us need the support of those around us, more than we probably even realize. Thanks for weighing in and taking the time to Meditate upon the topic.

      Delete
  5. I am so sorry to hear of this, Dawn, but I am proud of you bravely facing this and sharing with all. My little sister died by her own hands 30+ years ago. She was beautiful, accomplished, and what a shock that it happened. Back then, no one wanted to talk about "mental illness"...and I went through an awkward time talking to anyone about her death. My own marriage cracked because of it. There are so many reasons why people are led to suicide, and you are so correct: it needs to be talked about more. So, thank you. I am glad you're here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your Sister to suicide. I have known many families over the years who have experienced similar loss and the awkwardness and judgment just adds to the overall pain and sorrow for everyone involved. Marginalizing loss can be another thing felt by the Loved Ones of someone who committed suicide, somehow there can be less compassion extended because nobody wants to talk about such an uncomfortable subject. Thank YOU for Sharing your story and let us indeed Hope it becomes a discussion Society can handle and talk about with more compassion and less condemnation. Virtual Hugs my Friend.

      Delete
  6. Thank you so much for writing that. I have been reading your blog for years, mostly for the lighter parts, and I have never felt compelled to comment before. Over 20 years ago I tried to kill myself and find it immensely difficult to discuss or explain. Thank you for sharing something so hard with your readers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First thank you for being a loyal supporter and Friend of my Blog! I appreciate your Sharing such a deeply personal testimony, it is indeed difficult to discuss or explain and probably only someone who has a point of reference can understand. It is my Hope that by being transparent it opens dialogue about something that has taken far too many precious Souls already who succeeded in their attempt. Those who failed in their attempt often feel socially judged and it is not something the average person wants to talk about openly and respectfully, perhaps some just don't know how to. Condemnation and Judgment don't contribute an ounce of prevention tho', and we're only ever as sick as our Secrets... people should feel Safe to discuss this without fearing judgment, condemnation and ignorance or personal bias of the subject... which is too important a one to sweep under the rug and ignore or pretend isn't a social problem on the rise.

      Delete
  7. Powerfully said...no one can walk in someone else's moccasins. You just can't, but you can hold out your hand----and offer help. Thanks for this eloquent testament, Dawn. This is brave...and you have your hand extended to help. Thanks for all who may be listening.

    ReplyDelete

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl