Monday, April 9, 2018

Shouldda Wouldda Couldda



I should be cleaning and organizing my Home, culling more possessions to bring into the Booths and Showroom... should being the key word here.  It got Hot early, it seemed Cool enough outside when I was taking Princess T to School to work in the Hoarded Garages this Morning though, so I tried.  I tried for about 10 minutes, give or take 8 minutes, before I overheated and gave up.  *LOL*  Really my Heart wasn't in it and a half-hearted attempt at The Project I've found isn't worth the minimal amount of time and effort put into it.   See how I so easily justified aborting said Mission this Morning and escaping to The Land of Blog?!  *Smiles*  My Shared Photos Today are random... as are the Musings and Topics... I just NEEDED to Blog Today and so I am with no intentional Purpose!




   I'd rather be doing this right now anyway, I've found now that I'm in my Senior Years, I often default to what I'd rather be doing.  Since time just seems shorter the older you get and you realize it's better spent doing what you'd rather be doing.   Mortality being what it just is, you assess whether you'd rather die after having done what you'd rather be doing, or after having a freshly cleaned house culled of more possessions?  *Winks*  My priorities lately have shifted more towards what my Soul Needs than what my surroundings require of me and that's not such a bad thing actually.




Sure, I WANT a clean, orderly and culled Home and one day perhaps that will actually be accomplished and stay accomplished for more than a minute?  But there is no assurance of that and a whole lot more assurance that doing what I'd rather be doing just makes me feel so much better and less overwhelmed.  Yes, along with the heat in the Garages came that feeling of being overwhelmed by the task today, so it was probably not the ideal day to tackle it when I'm in that head space.  When I'm just half-heartedly moving a box from there to over here and not really Dealing with said box of stuff... avoidance and ineffeciency is a clue that I'm just not that into it on this day.




I had Wished I would have been, since motivation to be into it is waning again, even tho' I desperately want it over and done with sooner than later.  There are times I'm accomplishing so much in there that it seems as if I'm only a week or two away from completing The Project, other times it seems like I could still be doing it next Spring, I'm just not Sure!?  I'm rather at the bogged down phase of it with the minutia and carting any of it inside the air conditioned house where it will then clutter up more space, actual living space, is too disheartening to contemplate.  I don't have that many more boxes and crates to unpack actually, but the ones left are the more tedious ones that you don't plow thru efficiently and fast.   I liked the fast ones, where you could do several and feel like you'd made amazing headway!  *Smiles*




I used to tackle difficult Project with zeal and abundant energy, I'm not quite sure which year of Aging it was that my reserve of zeal and abundant energy got depleted to critical levels, but clearly it happened!  *LOL*  It's not something I can just go out and buy some more of, so, having little zeal and almost no energy most days, not a whole lot gets done anymore in ways I used to be able to almost effortlessly.  It shows, I look around me and it's quite evident and I'm not quite there yet in NOT letting it bother me and grate on my nerves!  *Le Sigh*  And yet, I can avoid quite adeptly, acceptance of the lack of zeal and energy necessary to tackle bigger things is at an all time high you see!  *Winks*




I have avoided talking about a lot of things lately here in The Land Of Blog, wanting to focus more upon Positive energy stuff and ignore the Negative energy stuff on purpose.   And hoping that some Negs will turn into Positives and sometimes that actually happens and then I can just Celebrate it.  Like Princess T's Emergency IEP Meeting with the School Psychologist and all the Powers That Be at her School, which I dreaded and thought might play out horribly, but actually it didn't.   Sure, she didn't Qualify for Services in some areas she clearly still Needed them, but she did Qualify for some, and we'll take whatever we can get and be Grateful for any Resources that aid in her Educational Process.   Since clearly I don't want a repeat performance of what played out for her older Brother. 




So even tho' she had four F's now in subjects she previously received Resources until she got A's last Quarter and thus Disqualified herself to continue receiving Special Ed Services in those subjects... we only Qualified now for Math Resources... whatever.   It was unanimous in the Room that her Focus is severely impaired and perhaps I should ask her new Pediatrician, who we haven't met yet since her Wonderful old Pediatrician recently Retired, if she has an Attention Deficit.  I can tell you even without all of the Medical backup and tests that she clearly does and there is a long Family History of it, including Yours Truly, but we have to apparently make it Official to receive more Services for the Special Needs Child... splendid.  At least she does not have the hyperactivity part, which I can't even tell you how Grateful I am for that, since I can barely keep up with normal activity levels of Children anymore!  *Whew!*




I've raised three hyperactive Children, who also had Attention Deficits... among other diagnosed Serious Disabilities... and I don't want to be forced to make the difficult decisions about Med regimens that can cause serious side effects anymore.  So if we can get her thru School without Psychotropic Meds I'll be relieved, since years of that Treatment Option wrecked her Brother's Physical Health while stabilizing his Mental Health.  Now he's sometimes Mentally unstable but his Physical Health is slowly improving and healing from the years of exposure to strong Psyche Meds... so you see, it's a double edged sword you must fall upon!   I keep Hoping that her instability emotionally and sometimes behaviorally is just hormones and Tween Angst and a phase she'll pass thru on her way to Adulthood?  I could be in Denial, but it sustains me, so don't comment.  *LMAO*




So anyway, her IEP went very well, in that everyone in the room seemed to be in complete Agreement and very Supportive, which isn't always the case at IEP Meetings for the Special Needs Child.   It seems she's a well liked and popular Child, by her Teachers, Administrators and her Peers... a Pretty Face and Outgoing Personality can win folks over even if you have a lot of other baggage.  She's caught on to that fact and she plays to her strengths, she's not stupid... she's just struggling to pass any of her Classes.   It bothers me... and her Educators, that she does not think of herself as intelligent tho' and lacks confidence in her Abilities because focus always seems more geared towards pointing out her deficiencies in School. 




 So we're trying to convince her that she is quite smart and that even if it is not translating well to her Grades that doesn't mean she's stupid or can't Mainstream and go to regular School.  Right now she's struggling with that, since Academics IS such a struggle for her even tho' she tries so hard.   When they Tested her for Academic Disabilities she did quite well, better than expected, average in some areas and at her Grade level, which is why some Services were now withheld in spite of how hard it is for her to keep up. 




  She is painfully aware that her older Brother Tested as a Genius and yet still failed almost every class and was shuffled around from School to School with the excuse of every one that they were not "Appropriate Placement" for "a Kid like him".   Tho' for him Academics was not a struggle, he just defiantly felt acing Tests and always getting answers correct should be enough to secure a Passing Grade rather than a Failing Grade for "lack of participation" in the mundane parts of the Educational Process.  He regrets having to drop out after exhausting all of his options, he tries to help his little Sister avoid being Labeled a Problem Child that no School wants to Deal with and won't allow enrollment of.  I think she's scared she won't get thru School either... and she's not the only one lemme tell ya!




She doesn't like her new Math Resource Teacher, that was our conversation Today on the way to School.   I really liked all my other Special Ed Teachers, they were Nice she says, this one isn't Nice and so I don't like to go, but I really Need Resource even tho' she's Mean... she trailed off the conversation and just sighed heavily.   I told her to learn as much as she can from this Woman because getting a Good Grade in Math is the Goal, even if she doesn't gel with said Teacher... you can't like them all.   I didn't add that some of them won't like you either... because no Kid should have to know that an Adult Professional can dislike them enough to be a barrier to their Education... but we've been down THAT road before too!  When it becomes apparent that an Educator does not like or want to Deal with your Child then it's impossible to think of them as an ally in the endeavor to help the Child attain any measure of Success.




We went down that road a lot, mostly with her Mother... who dropped out of School while having Honor Roll Grades and a 4.0 Grade Average, but due to being Seriously Mentally Ill and behaviorally Schizophrenic she would have Teachers verbally tell her she was "A very BAD Student" to her face... and to mine actually!   Thankfully that one could give a Rat's Ass who liked her and delighted in tormenting the shit out of those she knew clearly disliked her immensely and for her own retaliatory amusement and pleasure.   If you've never had a Child suffering from SMI then perhaps you wouldn't Celebrate their resilience to Deal with Social bias and blatant discrimination by Unlovely people in such Creative ways.  It's way easier than seeing it Get To your Child in ways that intensify depression, despair, feeling like an outcast of Society and developing low self esteem lemme tell ya!  If they rise above it with tenacity, and have an acceptance and Pride of who they are despite the Negative Labels thrust upon them by Society, you Celebrate it.




 She ended up in Special Ed for behavioral reasons and finally got fed up babysitting developmentally challenged Students in classes that were never designed for the Child with her type of Disabilities and where she was learning nothing relevant for her own Academic achievement.   She still has great compassion for developmentally challenged people because she spent so much time attending to their needs in those classes, so it was a vital lesson in humanity if nothing else for her.   You can learn important lessons even if the Placement is not appropriate, but we still strive for more suitable Placement so they can reach their potential and not just be warehoused because Schools don't know what to do with the Mentally Ill Child or a Child whose Disabilities present unique Challenges out of the norm.




I actually left the Meeting quite buoyed of Spirit and Princess T had smiled and even laughed a bit during it rather than remaining somber and shut down, which is her ilk of late.   Hard to sit thru any Meeting that is all about you and your deficiencies, so these Meetings are rarely Positive for the Child but they have to be in attendance.   Those that are Aware have to endure hearing the Grownups discuss the difficult things about them... Awareness of one's level of function or dysfunction is also one of those double edged swords you have to fall upon.   And I'm rather weary of falling upon swords myself so I seriously doubt that The Force is feeling any less sacrificial.




On a real Positive Note we'll end the Post with Congratulating one of my Beautiful Grand-Daughters who is Celebrating her Milestone 21st Birthday Today!  Wow, they grow up so fast and become Young Women and Young Men right before your very Eyes!



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Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian 

2 comments:

  1. have you thought of having the prince bring in a box or two for you to go through in the comfort of your house, then have him put what goes to the shop in the car and the rest back out in the garage?

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    Replies
    1. Actually we're now doing that Marlynne, just because I had to find a way to keep moving forward COMFORTABLY! Smiles

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