Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Discombobulated... Part 7,938

Years ago I remember seeing a Real Human Skull in a Cloche for Sale, this one to be exact, and I Wondered... how did this Person end up like this... on Display and being Sold as an Oddity in some Antique Store as a Curiosity?   I didn't buy it of coarse, even my Morbid Collections would not include something that just doesn't seem that Dignified for Human Remains of some unknown Unfortunate Soul who isn't just laid to Rest properly and Traditionally.   Likely while Alive they made the decision to Sell off or Donated themselves to some Medical Science Research thing?   And once Posthumously felt they didn't Care what happened to their Earthly Remains or felt that it would do some Good for Mankind, but still...   Ending up discombobulated even AFTER Death seems very unsettling to me.   Like where COULD you end up?   How Confusing could that be to the Human Soul indefinitely?  I just don't know, Note to Self: Don't donate Body to Medical Science, Lord knows where you'd be spending Time?!!

And that brings us to spending Time discombobulated anywhere for an unspecified amount of Time and how it Feels?  I've made a precarious Peace with where I'm spending Time, tho' I'm not Settled about it at all, knowing it simply cannot be permanent.   And yet, will it be anyway?  Who knows, I'm just trying right now to Live in the Moment entirely and just Enjoy how Fancy Villa Boheme' is.  While trying not to even Think about how overwhelming and expensive yet another Epic Move would even be when we have no real choice or option in the matter and just HAVE to?!?   That day will likely come one way or another in due Time... while I'm biding Time... and that discombobulates me tremendously when I allow my Conscious Mind to soak in my actual Thought Process.  Rather than keeping it on the back burner of my Subconscious Mind, which knows while I'm playing Mind Games with the Conscious just to Cope and be Functional.

So, now that the previous Family Crisis subsided and the whole Crew here is not unraveling anymore, wouldn't you know my own Health would just Tank.  Enough so that I had to come Home from Work early because the most major hypoglycemic episode I've ever experienced played out and it was scary, and felt just awful.   I was hypoglycemic for many years before becoming a full blown insulin Diabetic, so I know the Drill and what to do... and did it immediately.  And it all stabilized, but for those precarious eternity of hours... or was it just minutes... your Subconscious Thoughts race to the forefront!  They push thru to Conscious Thought where you just have to Feel every repressed Thought and Emotion associated with it FULLY!   That is not Good for me if I want and especially Need to stay Functional.  Caregiver Functional Mode is not Optional, it's Mandatory, so at least I didn't Cry even tho' I certainly felt like it after managing to get Home safely and intact!

When you acknowledge that McDonald's French Fries and a Payday Candy Bar probably just saved your very Life, it's Humbling.  My Doctor and Life Coaches at the Clinic have been playing with my Diabetic regimen in order to stabilize my Highs.  Well, that also means your Lows can occur and bottom you the Hell out so they give you fair Warning, while you're waiting to get the appointment to see The Specialist.   Hope that Guy has some Magic and freakin' Fairie Dust coz this shit ain't Helpful as it currently stands!?!??!   But having taken The Man and The G-Kid Force to an endless array of Specialists over the years, I realize that Specialists, per se, might know MORE about whatever... but don't always have Solutions that Work.   They could have, but just don't Count on it necessarily, that would be naive and not Realistic.  They may even end up being as Clueless and so shit doesn't really get resolved and daily life just has to accommodate that fact.

So, No, I don't like living out in bumf--k Subdivision Hell because of a lot of reasons, primarily financial and yet also practical as we age and go to shit while still raising Special Needs Children... it's just way Complicated!   Adoption Courts never consider all that excess baggage they may be placing upon and burdening prospective PERMANENT Families with in regards to their Demands and Laundry List of Conditions to the Adoption Process it seems.   At least that was my Experience as a Custodial Grandparent trying to keep my Family intact while the Powers that Be made all the Important Decisions and I just had to find a way to Comply so we could get er Done so to speak!    I resent that, we were just Fine as we were in The Hood but Feeling a lot more Secure and certainly a lot less financially burdened.   The Hood was LESS Scary to me in fact, I was used to whatever Risks an aging Inner City Community posed.  You're less discombobulated when you Think you can make it Work.

I'm trying to make THIS Work now, it's a Challenge for me, I'd rather not be trying to make it Work if Truth be told, I'd like to have Options that right now don't exist and might not even be Best.   But they'd be Options... and just having Options sometimes Feels liberating enough to sustain Hope and fan it from Glimmers of it to sustainable Flames of it without risk of it just being extinguished.   I want a damned Bonfire of it actually, that would be Nice for a change, huge pyre of Hope.   Tonight had been tough, well, it's not even Tonight anymore and I'm having the Three In The Mornins' and for those of you who might not Deal with that fu--ed up Time Schedule of Caregiving, it pretty much Sucks.   The Man is wandering like a Lost Soul checking on me, luckily The Force had fallen asleep before my Medical Emergency so they're Clueless.  *Whew*  Or we'd have all of them up worrying that I might just die... or something... and death is preferable to the 'something' whatever that version of Messed Up and FUBAR situation might actually be?

The Man went thru that phase of FUBAR after his catastrophic accident so I know how bad it CAN be if you don't just die... we don't wanna go THERE with me too... no more Caregivers waiting in the wings to take us all on.  Who the Hell could take four on anyway... nobody that comes to Mind who isn't a damned Super Hero... who are in short supply nowadays I'm told.  *Winks*  Yes, my Gallows Humor is still intact, and I NEED to Blog, however Negative the Topic, since it's way Cheaper than Therapy.  Tho' I considered not doing it just for the sake of not Freaking my Dear Faithful Reader Friends and random Guests Out, Sorry, hadda go for myself with this one Post.  This one's for ME exclusively, Coping mechanism that it is to keep Head on straight and Keep On Truckin'.    A Post which is just writing itself really, I'm not even Thinking about what my fingers type... which is the Best way to Blog BTW, more Authentic to Self.  Creating anything, a piece of Art or a Blog Post, that's my preferred Method, more favorable Outcome.

Life, I kinda roll with it that way too, one day at a Time and not even Thinking about it really, not Consciously, since that would be some super Scary hairy Shit that would not at all be Helpful since who ya gonna Call?!   There's that Word again, my Mantra Daily, what would be Helpful?   If it ain't Helpful, nor Useful, ditch it... don't have Time for what isn't Helpful nor Useful... don't have Space for it, not even in my Head, let alone incorporating it in Life.   The Non-Helpful and Non-Useful have to be dropped like a Rock, Sorry, just excess baggage I simply can't carry with my hands already amply full of what has to be carted along daily.   And Advice, let me go THERE because Advising is the easy part... SHIT, it's not as if I'm so Clueless or stupid I don't know what to do... but it's the damned application of it people!!!  I got all kinds of Doctor, Therapist and Specialist Advice that they would like you to apply IF you but COULD and it were just that easy... you know, because you have Staff and unlimited Resources like the Uber Wealthy who Deal with their shit that way I suppose, because they CAN!

Whenever I'm sitting there after a dismal follow-up to whatever Health situation is currently unraveling for Self or The Man or The Force and they say with a straight face that I SHOULD blah blah blah, fill in the blank... BUT don't provide the Actual Support System of Resources to DO that, well, on the Canvas of my Imagination I'm punching them square in the face!   What Services ARE you OFFERING, that are COVERED and would actually make it so that I could DO that is always my response instead of the face punching thing.   That's actually like asking who is gonna Win the Lottery next, the correct answer would be just that elusive and the Odds of it actually happening to YOU just that remote!?   I know this, but I ask anyway, just to shut them the Hell up since clearly they don't have answers, solutions or really anything Helpful.   But then can tell me what I SHOULD be doing... you know, because we all KNOW what that actually is, no Mystery there!  

 Sometimes they don't even know THAT tho', like how to stabilize an Insulin Diabetic who should reduce Stress for better Numbers, but is a Caregiver to three people who aren't getting Well or Cured, EVER.   Yep, I said it, not because I'm without Hope of that Divine Miracle that God could manifest, He CAN do it I fully Believe that.  He just hasn't and perhaps never will, I just don't Know for Certain, even as a person of Great Faith that refuses to waver based on mere circumstances such that they are, however crappy the hand dealt.  Don't respond, I don't Care if you are not of similar Belief actually, it isn't Helpful if you aren't so I wouldn't listen anyway.  *Smiles*   And since it just hasn't happened yet and I'm not exactly holding my breath since I would have expired by now if I'd done the breath holding thing all these Decades, I just Breathe and Soldier on until Miracles spontaneously happen.  I've Witnessed spontaneous Miracles and Answer to fervent Prayer, The Man is a powerful Testimony to one such incredible Miracle who walks, talks and does way more than the Vegetative Thing the Neurologists said would be our Lot in Life forevermore.  I'm just Glad I didn't Receive that Opinion!  *Whew!*

Stuff like THAT sustains me actually, in the daily Walk... the Journey and Path that isn't really all that clear, not even one foot ahead of me for the very next step forward.   And I guess that's going to be Okay since so far it hasn't been any fatal steps taken.  Just some really hairy ones sometimes and some ten thousand miles of Path that were not a Route I would have preferred to have navigated or through terrain I would have preferred to trod.  Detours and Mountains have been Dealt with as Needed, Valleys have been traversed too, sometimes the Valley of the Shadow of Death even, numerous times, it's always a Scary Valley to move thru no matter how many times you've ended up trudging thru there, just sayin'.   Right now the Scenery is Pretty Outstanding even tho' the Path isn't where I choose to remain at all since it's clearly not a place to remain any length of time that brings any measure of Peace nor sense of Security.   And so eventually we'll have to dismantle Camp and move on... don't know when, don't know where... mebbe I was just meant to be a permanent Nomad, I dunno?   It's just Good that not all who Wander are Lost, we're just among those who don't know Where we're going, but we're on our way. 


Blessings, Love and Light from the Arizona Desert... where we Wander... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. When one thing heals and then another thing rises its ugly head, I just try to say "at least they didn't happen together"!
    Sorry to hear your health is unstable again.
    Recently my eldest son just developed some depression just as my youngest started being able to leave the house more. You feel like saying "can't I have a friggin' break ?!"
    Standing in solidarity with you! xo Jazzy Jack

    1. Thanks for the solidarity Jack, and Yes, at least not happening together is a Positive for sure! Spacing out Crisis at least helps one cope with each one exclusively. I'm sorry to hear the eldest is in a Dark place Emotionally, holding Space for them is what we best can do when they're low and struggling. Big Virtual Hugs to you and the Family my Friend!

  2. I so understand. The problem is because I am currently down with the flu and using my telephone is comments probably not going to make a lot of sense have a lot of misspellings and not include my various thoughts on your post which I actually write a couple days ago and have been wanting to respond to. Something else I was thinking about I'm not sure if you mentioned it in your post maybe you did but I know a lot of people don't understand this is the amount of planning that goes into gosh what's that word relief for reprieve or something so if you want to get some kind of caregiver relief you have to do a lot of planning for it and you get your relief and it is what it is and then you have your whole recovery. For Better or For Worse most human beings do not like substitute caregiver when those caregiver are people with him they have Intimate Relationships. So afterwards they are usually pretty angry and sometimes punish their regular caregiver, their spouse their child whenever. I've seen that over and over in my family plus by the time you desperately need some kind of relief you don't have it in you to do bunch of planning. From what I have seen and experienced the best way to get some relief soon, I'm kind of ongoing built-in system that you create yourself like what you have with your part-time jobs which get you away from the house and with your girls day out and things like that and the grandkids. Plus you're teaching everybody to be more independent that's super smart. Another way that works is some kind of regular relief from other people who know and care about you or yes from the system but the best thing for it to be as regular that's my observation of course we need emergency relief the system should exist but it's not as easy as people who don't engage in caregiving thing. There it's also a lot of people do not understand about mental illness. Even though I don't use my real name here I'm still hesitant to share certain stuff in public but I will say this much that someone I care about it well to people and struggle with this issue. And something many people didn't understand when I stop by them was that it's very hard for the person struggling to establish trust with new people so if you have a system of trust established and can do what you can to support them through their challenging crisis it's really crucial. Yes it's not easy but what is? Being an a****** yeah actually being an a****** usually is pretty easy but the karma last four lifetimes well I got a lot more to say but as I said I have the flu. Hit my own caregiving wall a few days ago. My system is not I mean my situation is not nearly as tough as yours but I did hit the wall and I'm now down with the flu. Take care and I hope things are easing up for you.

    1. Okay gosh I see the typos were horrendous and some of those sentences or unreadable. Once I get over this flu I'll try to come back in and write a better comment I just wanted to get something in there. Art about mental illness really didn't come through. Two of my loved ones have struggled with it what I wanted to say was that if you have a relationship of trust with somebody who is enduring mental illness it is really helpful if you stick by them. It is really difficult for people with mental illness to establish systems and relationships of trust. They are really crucial to their healing coming back and developing coping mechanisms. Yes it's not easy. I think it is! And I think this part came through yes it's easy to be an a******, LOL but I really don't want to be one even though I can be, smile.

    2. That should be nothing is easy! Except being an a******. Okay I've written that three times I think I should just give up on this stuff.


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl