Saturday, August 12, 2017

Ramblings To Quell An Epic Funk

There are times when I just feel compelled to write, not about anything in particular, I just like writing.  Blogging has fulfilled that Need to write and it has been a pleasant outlet of personal expression.  I only wish I had the same Passion for pricing Inventory as I do for writing, because that's what I should be doing right now... but am not.  *Smiles*

Usually I try to keep up with what I know I should be doing, lately I haven't, my Heart just isn't into it.  When I'm rather in a Funk I stall out in a lot of necessary activities and retreat to what I just like to do, whether or not it's necessary.  It soothes the Spirit to just do something you like when you're feeling out of sorts. I can't even tell you specifically why I'm in a Funk, I just am.

With a Birthday Celebration coming up that I'm really looking forward to I'd rather not be feeling mired in Funk and risk spoiling a Positive milestone.  Not that I have a clue what I'll be doing on that day or have specific plans, but just because I've held it open for possibilities, no easy task with the scheduling on our calendar, which looks insane and is completely overwhelming!!!

The Man has a slew of long overdue and neglected important Doctor and Specialist appointments, finally he's on the VA's radar, which is a good thing, but a grueling thing.   Before we couldn't seem to get appointments at all, or in a reasonable time frame... now they're stacking up like cordwood quickly, but I don't want to complain, since it's all very necessary and important.  But it is overwhelming the both of us since it's so much all at once... and especially for him, which makes it difficult for me to comfort him about it all and get him on board and in a Good Head Space about showing up!!!

Comforting someone who is experiencing serious illness and disability, and total distrust of The System, isn't easy because the Positive encouragement rings hollow.  I have trouble believing it myself even while I'm trying to convince him in an upbeat way, my words seem totally made-up... because, well, they ARE!  Do I sound remotely Believable I often ask myself?   Even the Specialists can't seem to identify what is wrong with him and he keeps getting worse... so it's scary because he's definitely not getting any better.  On a bright note, the VA Experience lately has been actually very Positive!  WOW!

But I can't even say with any certainty that this is the reason why I'm in a Funk, because he's been sick and disabled so long now it's chronic, and I'm certainly not in a Funk all of the time in spite of it.  I thought perhaps it's my own health, which has hit the skids in recent years.  Maybe my own body battling significant illness has just taken it's toll on my psyche and stamina, I just don't know?   I do know I Hate giving myself insulin injections every day even tho' it is helping my 'numbers'.  I Hate keeping track of the 'numbers', I feel like a Bookie handling mostly losing bets, it's dismal and I don't Want to do it, but I Must.

I've felt so restless too, like I should be somewhere else, anywhere else except here.   Not that I know where that place is that the restlessness is seeking, I don't.  I keep looking, Hoping to spot the place and have it resonate with me some kinda way?  So far that's not worked out, but it has caused me to hesitate to unpack everything, just in case I Need to just pack it all up again, which would be a lot of Work.  And improving anything around here, well, should I even bother then?  Besides, funds are designated so many other places right now that Home improvements are on an indefinite Hold at the moment.


And then I consider, well, mebbe you should just focus on getting rid of as much stuff as you possibly can so you can travel lighter, you know, if you Need to just move on?!?   So that has amplified the Culling, Editing and Purging urges considerably.  But it's still way too Hot to do it efficiently... shit, it's been way too Hot to do it AT ALL, who am I kidding??!?!!!!  And besides, I do like a lot of my stuff, even still have strong Attachments to the best of it... even tho' it can be rather a burden, one not easily just shed.

But I Need to be shedding stuff, pricing it as Inventory and making Bank because The Young Prince is very fixated right now on those College Plans he can do while still in High School this year and next at reduced tuition.  It's a short Window of Opportunity so we must Act very soon, almost immediately.  I have his Dreaded IEP this Month once School begins, with his dismal Transcripts I have to ask if acceptance to any College or Trade School is even possible for this Child?!?  They were the ones that hooked us up with the College Recruiter, so perhaps anything is Possible, I'd like to Imagine that anyway.  I'd also like to Imagine I can manage to come up with whatever it's gonna cost, quickly enough.

I have convinced him the IT Security Class options are a better Investment in his Future than the Cosmetology one.  Nothing against Cosmetologists, they just don't make crap for all they have to pay for tuition and all the work to become one.   So I guess I'm opposed to making a significant financial sacrifice so he can perhaps make just over minimum wage and scrape by rather than prosper after working hard to further his Education and learn a Skill.   I just Think that way, it's the Retired Banker in me I suppose... that's what he said anyway.  *LOL*  He's very perceptive that way, he knows Finances is my 'Thing' and everything is relevant to me on the basis of is it a Good Investment or not?

But my Logic and Number crunching swayed him considerably, besides, he's very Smart so he understands and can keep up with me when I'm on a Roll about what to Invest in and why or why not.   I'm also persuasive, he can fuss with hair and make-up on the side once his IT income gives him better Options, I don't Care!  He's always been a Tech whiz, why waste that Talent... and he had to agree that IT Security probably has excellent job security since hackers will always exist.  Any field protecting businesses and citizens against criminal activity isn't drying up anytime soon with the direction Society is heading.  We went by the Campus Today, it's a very nice one and not so far away I couldn't get him there after his Morning High School Classes.

Oddly the IT Security Classes take less credit hours to complete and cost half as much as Cosmetology Classes and yet starting salaries are more than three times as much, go figure!!!  Sometimes there is no Logic in the College Pathways because amount spent has no direct bearing necessarily on what can be earned later.  Certainly there are tons of folks with impressive degrees and huge Student Loans that can't find decent Work that pays a livable Salary, I don't want him to be one of those grim statistics.  Besides, I'm severely limited on Bankrolling College for a couple Kiddos at this Season of Life... so we poured over what is a worthy Investment or a shitty questionable one.

He said the sweetest thing that touched my Heart Today as he's riding high on thinking about Career Opportunities that are Promising and could bring a Brighter Future and Independence.  I was watching the Travel Channel and it was featuring vacays to Bora Bora, which of coarse has been No. One on my Bucket List forever and ever.  When I'm making good money he says, I'm sending you to Bora Bora, since you've never been able to go because you're taking Care of everyone else and spending your Savings on what we all Need first.  Oh yeah, it was hard to get rid of that lump in my throat and choke back becoming a blubbering mess! 

You know, he really is a very Good Kid, even tho' he totally sucks at passing almost any of his Classes and possesses ample, even Superior Intelligence to... so getting him thru High School has been quite the Wild Ride.  To contemplate College is certainly a crap shoot, like rolling the dice in Vegas with the odds heavily stacked against you... but, let 'em ride!!!   I can be a big risk taker when it comes to Investing in Loved Ones, they're always worth it even if the money goes down the tubes, at least then we know what didn't work.  I know his Sincerity in wanting to take Care of me later on in Life is Genuine, Bless his Heart!  I am not even Sure whether he will be able to take Care of himself, given the extent of his Disability, but he's got a lot of Heart and guts and that goes a long way.

So perhaps it's a lot of all that shit, all rolled up and stuffed down that is causing my epic Funk, I dunno?   Sometimes my Mind just races a lot and the only thing that turns it off is long naps, I took a 5 hour nap and woke up somewhat rested physically but still on an Emotional fence.  I'm straddling that fence at a now ridiculously late hour and felt the Need to just write and let the words pour out as they came up and spilled out.  I Feel better for having done that, I always do, writing is therapeutic and it's Free.  I don't even Care if anyone reads it or not, that's never been the Point in the doing of it.

So it serves the same Purpose as a Journal or Diary I suppose, where you can just write random musings and quiet ramblings about anything and everything when you Need to.   And I Love my little Blog because it gives me that platform to be an amateur writer and photographer, both of which gives me a lot of Joy in the doing of it as hobbies that don't earn me a damned thing.  *LOL*  So... I should at least try to focus a little more on hobbies that do have earning potential... coz shit, Baby sure Needs more than new shoes this time!!!


Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

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