Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day 2017



I don't feel much like Celebrating... this is the first year it's a Mother's Day and I don't have a Mom so it's a tough one.   Losing one's Mom is such a profound loss that no matter how old you were when it happened the Void is abysmal and simply cannot be filled by anyone else no matter how hard they might try.




There is that Special Something Bond between a Mother and the Child(ren) she gives birth to that is in a word... Sacred.   I cannot define it any other kind of way.   Now I kinda know how The G-Kid Force feel about Mother's Day, though not entirely, I got many Mother's Day with Mom.  They've never liked Celebrating it because they've never gotten to spend a single one with their Mother, so there doesn't seem to be much point in the day for them.




I cannot Imagine that, I fondly recall beaucoup years spent Celebrating Mother's Day with my Mom throughout my Life.  I was Blessed to have her for 59 years of my Life, present for all but the last 5 years of it, so we could spend as much time together as we were able.   The last time I saw her was just prior to her last Birthday she would spend on this earth... so it's a bittersweet Mother's Day for both my Brother and I as we have the first Mother's Day without Mom on this side of Time and Eternity.




I tried to shake the enormous weight of Sorrow and Loss I am presently feeling by taking myself out on Thursday, since I have to Work on Mother's Day this year.   I didn't actually mind working on Mother's Day because as previously mentioned, I don't feel much like Celebrating it at all.  I bought myself some Hydrangea Flowers in three lovely hues.  I had a very good day on Thursday taking myself out, but many places I ended up reminded me of Mom.




I took myself out for a Luncheon at The Old Spaghetti Factory, one of many places Mom liked to be taken out to for Mother's Day Luncheons.  The Waitress inadvertently sat me right next to the Table {not pictured on Purpose} that was Mom's Favorite spot and 'Ours'.   I almost cried right there in the Restaurant, I could feel the deep well of Emotions rising up... the Missing... the Profound Sorrow of her being Gone... and yet her Presence still lingering there.




The Son is the only Adult Child still in Arizona and I have no idea if he will expect me to spend Mother's Day with him or not yet... both of us have crazy schedules that don't always accommodate getting together.   I almost Hope he can't get together because I'm just not Feeling It this year to do the Mother's Day thing.  There has also been some recent issues we have had to deal with, which I don't even want to Share... too personal.




Suffice to say that a Mother NEVER quits being Concerned about her Children no matter how Old they get.   You always want the very Best for them and if they're not Enjoying the very Best in Life, well,  you Struggle with that Reality.  I've somewhat gotten used to The Struggle, more so with the Mom of The G-Kid Force, since she's not had the very Best in Life for what seems like an Eternity now.   I did get to talk to her before Mother's Day on Skype, we were both rather a Hot Mess, but it was a Good conversation between us.




Mother's Day is always extremely difficult for her since she cannot raise any of her Children and they are scattered between two Countries in Kinship Placements with Loved Ones.   I know that makes her feel like a 'Bad Mom', that she's not Well enough to raise nor be around them hardly at all.   Serious Mental Illness can take away a lot in the Quality of the Life and Relationships of those who Live with it and endure the torment of the seriousness in degree of it.  Her degree of it is pretty damned serious since she was about 15, so she's endured 20+ years.




All of her Children have endured their entire Lifetime of a Life pretty much without a Mom able to be Present, though all of them Adore her, which is as it should be.  She is worthy of their Adoration even tho' she doesn't feel like she deserves to be.  Voluntarily giving them to the rest of us to raise was probably the greatest Sacrificial Love a Mother can make when she knows she is unable to be the Best Option for Parenting.




There is a new Reality Show on called "Long Lost Family" and I weep with Joy every time long lost Family Members are reunited, I cry my Eyeballs out with that mixture of Deep Sorrow and Profound Joy for them all.   As a Family we very often feel that "Lostness", for lack of a more accurate word, due to separations amongst us and our particular set of circumstance.  But some Lost can never be recovered, Death is that Great such a Loss.




The Man and I both Lost our Mom's to Death within Months of one another, his Mom passing just a few Months after mine.   So it will be our very first Mother's Day without Moms... and so it's not a very Celebratory Mother's Day at all, though perhaps it will get better over Time?   But maybe not... I know Father's Days are still tough and Dad has been gone well over a decade now, the Missing is as strong as ever.  At least The Young Prince has his Dad Present locally to spend precious time with... Princess T has neither a Mom nor a Dad Present to be able to Celebrate either day with.




She endures that quite well, though we almost never talk about it and only every so often is it something a well of Emotion rises up in her about so that we have to.   I'm Thankful for that actually, I have no Words of Comfort that are Adequate... I cannot replace who is not Present in their Lives nor should I try to.   I could never adequately fill that Void left behind for them not having a Mom Present... or a Dad Present... I can only BE Gramma, that's who I am.  There's no real compensation in that, but it has to do.




I know that Legally they could have called me Mom after I Adopted them... we all knew that... we unanimously decided they would still call me Gramma... I'm Glad... Mom is Mom... they still kinda 'Have' her.  The Adoption was not a means to replace her, it was a Legal Formality to make our lives easier.  It was in fact mandatory due to Kinship Placement Rule Changes, we had no Choice really. Things didn't Change for us AFTER it, our Family dynamic was still the same... that WAS our Choice, to respect the dynamic for what it just IS and to keep our Family intact, with Blood Kin Placement.  As you can see I Treated myself to a couple of overpriced, yet Divine Aroma Soaps for Mother's Day, I'm worth it!  *Winks*




By pure Serendipity I also snagged this cute little Wood, Brass and Green Granite table while Goodwill Hunting... for a mere six bucks!   I had been Needing such a table as this for my Peacock Feather filled Urn in that corner of the arches of a Hallway, to bring it up to Eye level.  I was gonna paint the Wood Black, I decided against it, looks just Fine like this so why Create another Project that isn't Necessary, right?  *Winks*




And last but certainly not least I snagged this Victorian Era Fireplace Screen for only $35 at our Antique Mall Sister Store in Downtown Phoenix... Booyah!   It's Black Leather is Fragile and all of the original Hand Painted Scene of a Peacock in a Garden remains intact though the paint is crazed with Age.   The Burl Wood is Magnificent and will look even better once I nourish it.




There are a wealth of Cool Creatures in the Scene but Photographing them proved to be particularly Challenging due to glare off the Leather.  There are Butterflies, Bluebird and Dragonfly along with the Peacock... the Botanicals around them also Rock... all the Colors, for it's Age, are still quite Vibrant and the Details haven't been Lost with Age.   With Age I am realizing that the Celebration of certain specific days isn't nearly as Important or even Necessary for me... and that deciding not to Celebrate is Okay and I'm not Obligated to if I'm just not Feeling It.




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But Happy Mother's Day to you who are Feeling It this day my Friends... may it be a Memorable one for you all in only the Best of ways... Dawn... The Bohemian

6 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you. My own sweet mother has been gone for 2 years now, and I still grieve that terrible, terrible loss. Sending love your way.

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    1. To you too Colette, so sorry to hear that you too have a Mom that has Crossed Over. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. Dawn, sometimes we are left with just the sweet memories of our Mothers. . .To me, I can take the day to reflect on the love I had for her and the love she had for me. It's 24 years and I still miss her so much. I try to find her in the faces and voices of my brother and sister and all the nieces and nephews, as well as my own two sons and granddaughter. The first year is the toughest! My heart really goes out to you.

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    1. Thank You for the Sage advice... the Memories are indeed sustaining and oh so Sweet! Happy Mother's Day to you... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  3. I want to add that the photographs of your Mother are so special. She was a beautiful lady!

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    1. My very Talented Brother took all of those precious images of Mom... Dawn... The Bohemian

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

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