Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Loved Mixed With Tears... The Tattered Heart

Valentine's Day... it always gets me more to thinking upon the Matters of the Heart than about Romance really.  Matters of the Heart can be so complicated and often have very little to do with Romance in general.  How about Love mixed with Tears... and the Tattered Heart?  I reflect upon that this day more so than most other days. 

If we are Hurt deeply it is only because we have Loved deeply... anything or anyone... otherwise there would be no depth of Hurt involved at all if you think about it.  Nothing can break your Heart that you don't Feel deeply about.  If it's a superficial sentiment then the Feelings are more shallow and less likely to inflict any pain or damage.

We throw the word Love around quite a bit... but when it's the Real Deal and we Truly DO Love something or someone there is depth that cannot be measured.  If you have found a Love of anything or anyone there will very likely be Heartbreak involved somewhere along the way as well of some kind. It's just how it usually plays out when there is Love involved.

I recently sought out online Support Group type Blogging for Caregivers or Parents of Seriously Mentally Ill Loved Ones.  Thinking that perhaps it would lend some Support... which one would Think a Support Group should do.  Because to Love someone with Serious Mental Illness is indeed a very complex Love... a Relationship fraught with Love and Heartbreaking stuff of all kinds inter-meshed and all tangled up.

I spent very little time lurking on the sites and no time at all participating, it was just too gut-wrenching and Tragic, such a tough read.   All of it hit too close to Home and the palpable despair was too intense.   It drained me too much and instead of a Positive Supportive experience and reinforcement of Positives, it was just such a Raw outpouring of the Tattered and damaged Hearts pushed beyond strength and above measure that I had to retreat and recover from it!  The Stories were all too familiar... different players in the same Drama being acted out daily on various stages of Life!!!

I could relate to so much of it, and so in the Misery Loves Company Department I suppose it could have made me feel less alone and some camaraderie with other Tattered Hearts.  But I didn't personally find benefit in just Sharing Horror Stories and utter frustrations about what I know all too well as to how it is... and how it has never really changed and perhaps never will.  It just IS and my embrace of that over the years has come to a place of Peace of sorts.  Where I've accepted my Reality and hand dealt with as much quiet resignation {okay some days not so quiet}, dignity and unconditional Love as I can manage to muster and maintain.

It is said to Grow where you're Planted... and of coarse I think we all do try to... but what if when where you are Planted has little, if any, fertile soil to promote any kind of Healthy Growth or solid rooted foundation to weather those storms?   What if the soil is indeed toxic and not suitable to sustaining Life in a way that can or will last or not cause damage or even death?   What then?   Does one then try to replant themselves so to speak?  I saw many that felt they just needed transplanting if they were to Survive intact... or at all.

The kind of Love mixed with Tears sometimes means Tough Love or a detaching of sorts has to happen.   For those Loving someone with Serious Mental Illness it doesn't mean the Love has diminished one iota, but it does sometimes mean that there will come that saturation point of what a Heart and every other resource can take before a Letting Go happens and adjustments must be made.  Fight or Flight is a basic Instinct of Survival in every Living Creature and it's there for a valid reason.

The range of Emotion involved can be so intense as to be practically unbearable... and there can still be a strong Love... and perhaps even an altered Relationship that manages to Work in spite of extreme Challenges and necessary detaching.   Sometimes Love doesn't have to Connect in the Traditional ways, the ability and capacity for some with SMI to Love or to sustain Relationships can vary greatly or be almost non-existent in the Traditional sense.


Acceptance of that no matter how much you Wish for a Traditional Love will aide you in just allowing the capacity they have to be Enough.  Yes, I did read some of the hard reading in those Blog Chat Shares and my own very Tattered Heart Connected with and ached for each and every one I could get thru the comments of... each Hurting and utterly despairing Comment!  One poignant one in particular gave a profound analogy that perhaps only those Loving someone with Serious Mental Illness could understand or even relate to?

The Mother's analogy said something to the effect that Loving her SMI Adult Daughter was like seeing a fast moving vehicle bearing down upon her Child and with a Mother's Heart pushing her out of the way of harm and thus willingly sacrificing herself.  Knowing she was going to be the carnage, a blood spattered mess trying to Save her Child, who probably cannot really be Saved completely from a Disability that lasts a Lifetime and will ultimately be in that same position time and time again in a vicious cycle that never ends.   But with the knowledge that the Daughter's clouded and tormented Mind would probably be more upset about the Mother's blood spatters getting on her own clothes than of the Mother's demise and great Sacrifice!   Yes, it's kinda like that and you cannot Personalize it, you just must Love Unconditionally despite it.

To this I will add my own Mantra that if you want to be Free... Be Free.  Not Free from the Love you have of one who doesn't have the Traditional capacity to Love back, that is not going to happen.   But Free your own Mind about unrealistic expectations and have a Peace about your own Reality instead of longing for a Reality that does not exist in your World.  Free yourself from trying to do what simply cannot be done by any mortal Soul.   Some things and some people you have to turn over to the Lord when it is beyond you... and not really all about you.

Each day that I have Let Go and Let God in these situations that are far beyond me and really not all about me has been a daily struggle.  Relinquishing your Child or any Loved One in Love and totally entrusting their outcome to even God can be a very difficult thing indeed.  You don't really know what that outcome will be and you are not Promised a Happy Ending or no Suffering just because you have Let Go and you've done all you could with Great Love.  I Trust Him completely though, like I Trust no other... with each and every Loved one, not just the Profoundly Disabled ones that need that added Measure of His Mercy and Grace bestowed upon them. 

The Lord knows I've needed his ample Mercy and Grace bestowed upon me too during the perilous Journey, it has sustained me against tremendous odds.   Especially during those dark and difficult times where my Tattered Heart has taken a real beating.  Or been broken and shattered into a million tiny fragments and needed intensive repair and Healing to take place, so that it will still keep beating and I will be sustained and be able to continue to Love deeply despite the damage.

And what many who have never Loved like this, or had to, often cannot understand nor fully comprehend try as they might is... we deeply Love our Profoundly Disabled Loved ones just as much as we Love those not afflicted.  In spite of the Challenges, the pain, the Social isolation and stigmas, the inadequacies we Feel to Deal with it daily, the lack of present Help, the damage to our Hearts.  Because that unconditional Love that requires no reciprocation can remain intact no matter how Tattered the Heart becomes... very often Love mixed with Tears.  The Tears do not however dilute the Love.

And if some have had to make adjustments that appear that they have given up, given in or given out, do not Judge.  The last thing they Need is your condemnation mixed with the intense Grief they have already experienced in doing all that they can and knowing it will never be Enough.  I have not met one in person nor online that ceased Loving... they might have had to cease a lot of other things in order to Cope or even Survive, literally, but Loving wasn't one of them, ever.

So this Valentine's Day will be very much like all of the others for me in that I don't really think very much upon the significance of the Romance of the Day as I do about the Matters of the Heart.   I have never Needed a Love Gift of any kind since to me the Greatest Gift has been each and every one of my Loved Ones... with no exception.  Regardless how complex and non-traditional some of the Relationships have been, or will continue to be, because of those whose capacities are compromised by their Profound Disabilities, there are no conditions attached to my Love.

Do I 'Feel Loved' by them... well, sometimes I do... and sometimes I Confess I do not or am just not Sure, I'm keeping it 100% with you about that.   Sometimes you can Feel The Love and sometimes it has been anything but Loving in the way it has manifested.  You cannot allow it to dictate your Reaction though, Walking in Love is my responsibility because I CAN and I therefore choose to.   I am so Thankful that I DO have that Choice... that capacity to Love Deeply and unconditionally, so I have deep Compassion for those who don't possess that Choice, that capacity or ability to by the very Nature of their Disability.

I have come to a place of Peace about MY Reality and therefore I do not Wish or Long for the Reality that does not exist in my World.   I am Envious of it, but to Wish FOR IT would mean I would be Wishing away People in my Life that I couldn't Imagine my Life without them being in it... and I could never do that.  Each one is Precious enough to me and for me to realize that everything is as it should be in my World because THEY ARE IN IT!!!   And I Thank God for that every day, for giving me that distinct yet difficult and complicated Privilege of having them to Love... I am Enriched by it beyond Measure!

via: Pinterest




  1. "Let Go and Let God" good advice!

  2. I wish that more people could read this post of yours, Dawn. It would really open their eyes to the challenges faced by those who are the caretakers, and who don't just talk the talk, but also walk the walk, and love their loved ones without condition. It is not always easy, and I know people in my life who are doing just as you are. They, and you have my deepest respect.

    1. Thank you my Friend, there are times I feel totally inadequate doing what I Hope is the right thing on behalf of someone who cannot do for themselves, it's a very weighty responsibility and you have to reach a Peace about your 'all' not really ever being enough. Thanks for the Blog visit and kind words... Dawn... The Bohemian

  3. Such wise words! You lift me up and inspire me with your capacity for love.

    1. Thank You, may we all find ways to uplift one another... I'm glad you come by with your inspiration and uplifting words... Dawn... The Bohemian


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl