Saturday, November 5, 2016

I Take Them To School In My Pajamas...




So, each Morning I take them to School in my Pajamas, because I just don't Care... and they're suitably Mortified!   No, I don't get out of the Vehicle, but they have to open the Door... and somebody might peek inside... so they're out like greased lightening just in case.  *LOL*   Yeah, it's very 'G' of me out here in Subdivision Hell with all the McManse's to be doing that I suppose, but I can't bring myself to actually give a shit.   So...Pray for me... whatever!   *Winks*




The Predictability and Pretentiousness of everything just bores me out of my Mind so much I can't be bothered.   I do Wonder if this is how one's Mind goes to Mush and Insanity sets in?  You know, when there is absolutely no Mental stimulation in an Environment and Social deprivation is epic in an Isolationist type of Community... and I use the term loosely since to me Community means a Feeling of Fellowship with others and there is none of that out here.
  



No, I'm not Sharing Imagery of our beyond Boring Subdivision in this Post because it would Bore you out of your Minds too.  It's Pretty... and pretty Boring... like being around some Blonde Bombshell Bimbo would be.  Yawn and get me the Hell outta here stat because I'm starting to have Mental Lapses, for Real... I AM!  And it's scaring the shit out of me a bit that I am having them because I'm so Zoned Out with an Existence Lifestyle... no wait, that isn't even a Lifestyle or actually Living, I don't know what it is except Existing!?!  No Lifestyle whatsoever, absent... there's nothing to DO out here!  Nada!




So instead I'm intentionally choosing to try to do a somewhat satirical humor Post about how I Feel.  Along with Images of a recent Escape I orchestrated to an actual Community I would have preferred to Live in.  One of several I spent about a year and a half trying to Convince The Man would be Idyllic and we should Buy into.  I still give him the Stink Eye about running that resistance, which led to here and right now.




I don't even Rant about it any more like I did at first, once I realized... crap, Lovely Home in a most unsuitable Environment I'd either have to learn to Tolerate... or Move again... the Reality Check was like a sucker punch!  *Le Sigh*   Because how can you know in advance really how much any place might bug you?   Or how much the attitudes and behaviors of those around you might bug you since you didn't really know them?  Well, I still don't... and it's not likely I ever will... but now I don't even want or care to!   People are superficially Cordial enough to one another, just not Invested one iota in developing actual Relationships or a sense of Community.




Perhaps that's the Modern Way of Being, I dunno... perhaps every loose knit 'Community' has unraveled to that point and close knit real Communities no longer exist unless everyone has been less Transient in those last bastions left?  Maybe even a Newcomer to those Communities would forever be an Outsider, I dunno?   I do know that it just makes me end up to where I'm taking The Force to School in my Pajamas without giving a Rat's Ass about bothering to get dressed.




Yesterday I had to meet at the Old Homestead with our New Agent... The Man and I sat on the Front Porch like we used to as we waited and several Neighbor Friends warmly greeted us as they always had.  I really Miss that, the Sincerity of it all... not at all like superficial Cordial interactions out here.  Well, if you can call waving from a vehicle as a Neighbor either backs out of their Garage or drives back into their Garage an actual interaction?




There were Neighborhood Noises of People actually engaging in Life and Living... numerous Kids outside playing, several Neighbors outside visiting with one another, Pets evident, the Ice-Cream Man's Jingle, sounds of the Retail district a Street away since the Walk Score is a Ten to everything you'd ever Need or Want.   When we got back here the Silence and absence of Life was deafening.   Could I go back... No, long story but I couldn't and that part of it Sucks more than I can tell you, because often I WANT to desperately.  There are Positives and Negatives to both locations... but that Felt more like Home and I didn't just Tolerate it, I Loved it... big difference.




Sometimes you just lose what you Love and have to Let Go... reluctantly.  I'm just Dealing with a lot of such Loss of what and who I Love and so it's just piled up to the point of Feeling quite distraught about it all I guess.  I'm Grieving about ALL of it... all at once... and that is a very difficult Process I'm moving through slowly and rather painfully.   I haven't Blogged about as much of it as I could have or probably should have... too much of a Downer to fixate upon even in an Online Journal that helps to Purge the Soul and buoy the Spirit.




So you seek Comfort where ever you can Find it... this particular day it just happened to be Mexican Food at a Fav Restaurant with great Ambiance and in a Community I Connect to strongly.   There was a yummy Chile Relleno under that Carne Asada and the Fire Roasted Veggies... plus three kinds of Salsa with my Restaurant Tortilla Chips... nom, nom.   I dined alone but in the City I never Feel Alone like out here... where the Social deprivation is torturous and a constant!  If you're a People Person like I am, various People around the City talk to you, random People, that always happens when I'm out and about in the City.  That NEVER happens here in Subdivision Hell... NOTHING ever HAPPENS actually, well, not in over a year already anyway, so I'm assuming that's this Norm?




The Man justifies the behavior out here as being maybe these folks are too busy... what, too busy to have a LIFE, how tragic?!?  When haven't we been too busy after all because everyone is, let's face it... in my Corporate Lives especially I was asses to elbows busy with my Careers but I still managed to have a freakin' Life and many Friends in our Communities and Connect for Chrissakes!!!   No, I'm not buying that lame Excuse, I'm not... it's just antisocial behavior out here, it's Isolationist or Exclusive or Exclusion or whatever, I don't even know what the Hell it is... I just know I don't Like it and I'll never get used to it, but mebbe I can learn to Tolerate it, I dunno? 




I just know that it's Miserable and you can dress it up and put bows on it but it's still an Empty void of a place that makes me hesitate to totally unpack because really I'd rather pack up and leave most days already.   So if most stuff remains packed and ready to go I could just bail more easily actually if and when I just can't stand it anymore.   But I don't really want to Feel that way about a New Home... we Like the Home actually... nice place... if you never have to leave it and go outside into the... ahem... alleged 'Community' around it!   But would you rather live in the Hood is what The Man queried when he could see how disenchanted I clearly remain?  Yes, yes we would is our unanimous response, the Kiddos and I.




No, it was not perfect, and the rise in Inner City Crime and deferred Maintenance on a big Old Historic Place that The Man couldn't help me with anymore drove us out and into the burbs.   To Safety, yes, it's very Safe... which is a Good thing... and the Schools, Yes, better ratings, which is a Good thing as well since Princess T has seven more years before Graduation.  By then we'll be too Old to probably bother moving again and sustaining that Cost and exerting the massive amounts of Energy and Stress it involves.  So I am trying very hard to Feel Content, I'm not there yet... it will be a Process just like Grief... and there's no actual Timeline as to how long either will take to Work thru?




So it may be a while before I ever want to get dressed to take them to School, I'm not sure... and really I don't Care if I continue to take them to School in my Pajamas actually.   But what if you get into an accident on the way Gramma they ask?  Well, I'll be all ready for the Hospital in advance and you won't have to bring me Pajamas I say.  I'm being satirical of coarse, I'm Sick of Hospitals and Doctors too... we visit too many with this Crew and it's my second Home away from Home taking them to all their never ending appointments... and now it's just further away dammit!




I'm still on the fence about whether or not to Invest anything into Home Improvements for New Villa Boheme' to make it more palatable to staying longer term?   The Man wants to of coarse, he Loves it out here... he's Living the Dream and for that I'm Glad for him since he Endured City Life for me.  I think it was easier when he was Active Duty and always getting deployed so that he had changes of Scenery.   Me too actually... staying put is harder, because when we were Nomadic, if we found ourselves somewhere we were not Connecting to, we'd be Moving soon so you didn't sweat it, knowing it temporary.




Maybe it's the potential permanence of this place that is really unsettling to me?  At Old Bohemian Valhalla it wasn't a place I minded staying Forever, I actually Wanted and Expected to by choice and never have to leave.  This... unless something profound changes... could be a form of Purgatory by my definition of it anyway!!!  




 Pretty Purgatory, but Purgatory nonetheless.  I've even thought about tongue and cheek stenciling that word on one of these walls at New Villa Boheme' to piss The Man off in a so out of Character for me Passive Aggressive way!  I can be aggressive, but rarely passive.  *Winks*   But if and when I re-sell, well, you know... ha ha ha.  ie: New potential Buyer, why does it say that on the Wall?  Oh THAT, it's just an Inside Joke between my Husband and I... *Bwahaha and a Wink*  




And I gotta Confess, I DO Feel very Guilty for NOT Feeling very Grateful for having a Lovely Luxury Home, I really do... should be a Dream come True and not a Nightmare of an Experience to bitch and complain about incessantly.  If I wasn't so utterly Miserable I could probably just put up and shut up.  Dropped into an entirely different location it probably would be Idyllic, I'm Sure of it... so I fervently Hope and Pray that the City just gets close enough one day that my Escape Route is less of a damned extensive Road Trip, that's all.  *Smiles*




That mebbe even they'll eventually build some infrastructure around here instead of expanding Subdivision Hell further without it... and add some Trendy Restaurants and Coffee Shops to meet whatever Sociable folks might even be in the area and have no place to meet and greet yet?   Perhaps even a Grocery Store and a Gas Station so I don't have to make pilgrimages for a gallon of Milk or Gas, yeah, that would be Convenient!  *LOL*   Shit, they're already destroying the Idyllic View of the White Tank Mountains by selling off even more of the State Trust lands to the West of us to cram more Subdivision Hell into the Natural spaces, so why not, build something relevant too for a Lifestyle to Hopefully develop!?!




If I remain Sane waiting perhaps I'll even be able to report some Positive Change around here?   You never know, it could happen.   The Man tells me to be Patient, he's Sure it will happen someday.  I remind him of how Old we already are and that someday has to not tarry too freakin' long because it won't even matter after we're dead what the Hell they build up around here!  I wanted it now... like yesterday in fact.   When I knew I had to give up my Beloved Old Homestead it had to be for something worthwhile to ease that Sorrow and Transition without Regret!   He 'gets' that I'm steeped in Regret now and the Transition is not going well for me or for the Kids.




We are not the sit in a recliner looking at TV all the time and waving occasionally at a Neighbor backing out of their Garage type of folks... we just aren't.   I'm not hard-wired like that so that does not equate to Contentment for me... it's Boredom and Social deprivation that makes me restless as Hell!  And the worst part is, I knew I was not cut out for Subdivision Living... I KNEW it! But I had so many try to Convince me it wouldn't be as bad as I Imagined it would be.  And they were RIGHT... it's WORSE than I could have ever Imagined it would be... my Imagination wasn't fertile enough to envision any of this bland existence.    Because I'd never been Bored... never... I'd never lived any place I couldn't make a Friend to save my Life... ever!  Til now!




And I'm rather exhausted trying to fit in here and to Like it or accept this as an alleged 'Lifestyle' or whatever it is to those that dig this type of existence?  I've kinda even given up... which is why I probably also take them to School in my Pajamas?   I'm pretty sure a Therapist, if they weren't handing me a trite Hand-Out that tells me to just Yodel to relieve Stress, Caregiver Burnout and Depression that is, might agree... I dunno... since I'm not going back because I want to set their ridiculous Hand-Outs on Fire in front of them!  *LOL*  Maybe I should do that in fact, it would be the most Exciting thing I've done all Week and might even get a less predictable reaction!? *Winks*




But instead I shall probably just respond to the ominously threatening Letter I got from The Young Prince's School Yesterday about his excessive Excused Absences for chronic Health reasons.   They want to hold a Meeting to discuss it... well, they THINK they WANT to hold a Meeting with me about it anyway... I pity the Fools!  *Winks*   Yeah, that oughtta be a Fun one again... where they think I'm somehow Threatened with the Promise of Jail Time because I don't send my Sick and Disabled Child to School on the days he's too Sick either physically, mentally or both... gimme a Break and don't Threaten me with a Good Time!  *LMAO*  




 Jail... it almost sounds like a Vacay of sorts to me right about now actually, definitely a lot less Work and self-sacrifice... I might just take them up on it and have them figure out the very astronomically expensive and impossible Placements they'll then have to arrange for everyone else???   Good luck with that and I Hope it all Works out?!  *Winks*   And then refuse to leave because I'm certain I'd have more of a Social Life than this God forsaken Environment around here... where everyone is captive to their self-segregated little Worlds and oblivious to those who are in the World directly around them.  To me that is much more Oppressive and an actual Threat to my Sanity!

  


So, while I contemplate scheduling that Meeting with the High School Admin... and messing with them for my own Delight and Amusement since Lord knows that's the only Amusement around these parts... I Hope you have been suitably Entertained with my satirical Tale of Woe at the McManse?  *Smiles*  Either it will work out or it won't... there will eventually be some kind of Outcome either way.  And I'm really to the point, sitting here in my Pajamas ready to take The Young Prince to School in a couple hours for the Bus Trip to his State Final Competition this Weekend, that I frankly don't give a Damn.




And I wanna Thank El Encanto Restaurant and Cantina for providing a brief Respite and Escape that day from the Torment of it all... even without sidling up to the Bar I was able to Cheer myself up while around an Environment that is more Friendly and more Connected... too bad they don't Rent Rooms... *Ha ha*




*******

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


11 comments:

  1. Jail?!!! Sorry, let me just take a breath.....! I just don't know what to say my dear. So happy you can laugh about it all. But my goodness!
    PJs at drop off are a wonderful response to suburban living. I applaud you, and hear you loud and clear about the deadness. Such a shame. Said from one suburbanite to another.
    Xo Jazzy Jack

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You always make me laugh Jazzy Jack, sometimes I want to get out of the vehicle in my PJ's and start Dancing, just to bring some Life to this dreadful Stepford Wives suburbanite rut! But I'm pretty sure the G-Kid Force would then go into total Shock and be certain Gramma would be waiting for the Men in White Coats to come get her. *LMAO* ... Would The System REALLY follow thru on their threat to send me to Jail? Who knows, I barely Care, but it would make a really good PR Nightmare for them when I ask to be on the News from my Jail Cell wouldn't ya think?! Militant Granny refuses to send her too Sick Child to School anyway... what a Great Spin I could give them on THAT story of the ills of The System as it stands and especially for the Seriously Mentally Ill Child and their Families! Anyway, que sera sera... whatever will be will be... Thanks for coming by for encouragement and support my Friend, I always look forward to it! ... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  2. You win the prize for best blog title. As for making friends after you move into a bourgeois subdivision, I get it. And I hate it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bourgeois is mos def the accurate descriptive adjective isn't it? I'm not good with the Bougie People and we'd not Gel on any level really so I will just try to move from Hate to a form of Tolerance of it all. And yeah, wasn't that a good Hook? I knew even the Curious who would not give a shit about the Topic would probably not be able to help themselves and be reeled in for a gander. *Ha ha ha* If I could have taken an adequate Selfie {just don't do those... so Tech Challenged I am} that would have been an even better Hook! *Winks* I'm a real Hot Mess those Mornings... or Mid-Afternoons since it's past Noon and I'm STILL in my PJ's and contemplating whether I really NEED to get dressed on a lackluster Saturday at all?! Thanks for stopping by my Friend, the Land of Blog Community, which totally ROCKS, is my Lifeline from Solitary Confinement here! A Social Life in the absence of a Social Life! ... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  3. I think this is simply living in the burbs...anywhere Dawn. I'm so lucky to have one friend i can be my "NORMAL" insane self with...otherwise it's pretty bleak here too. When I was doing art shows every weekend, it was fine, but now retired and in the 'burbs' is simply not too exciting. Have to find your FUN where you can make it. Grins, and I'm really with you on this one. Sandi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sandi you cannot imagine how many Burbanites have Shared this awful Truth with me now that I'm Blogging about it! I only Wish I'd had the depth of knowledge I now possess, I would have fought tooth and nail to procure a New but Historic Home where I knew the Lifestyle was conducive to Living and not merely Existing day to day! In all Honesty, if I had the funds to just completely restore and fortress The Beloved Old Homestead in the Hood and pay for Tutoring of The Force, the Kids and I would move back in a Heartbeat and I told The Man he'd have to just pay for a Caregiver here if he wanted to remain without us, because I'm just not Feeling it at all and it's really putting a strain on my fight or flight response to it! I want to flee and there's not much fight in me to want to remain already... so it's a scary kinda 'Permanent' situation to find oneself in at this advanced Season of Life! Yikes, it has come to THIS, say it ain't so! *LOL* At least I know I'm in Good Company with Friends like yourself and many others who Feel as I do and are letting me know it's simply the Burbs... Gak... I think I'm coughing up a hairball just saying that word! ... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  4. Dawn, I'm so sorry that you are so unhappy with your home. I must admit that when I saw the first pics of it, I was green with envy. I love the village I live in, but I am so not in love with my house. I'm disabled and live in a specially adapted bungalow to cope with my physical problems, but Oh, I don't like it. I didn't have the luxury of choosing where I could live, but I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, when there are so many people that don't even have that opportunity. Think of the refugee camps all over the world in war zones and third world countries. Think also of the many homeless people in the so called civilised countries such as the UK and the US. At least you had the means to be able to choose your new home, and I remember how excited you were when you found it. I love your blog and your way of life, but please remember how lucky you are. You have a wonderful home. OK, you don't like the neighbourhood, but it was your choice. Some of us have NO choice, but we try to make the best of what we have. I don't mean to be critical, I love the way you lead your life, but even with The Man and the Grandchildren and all their problems, you are still living a lifestyle that most of us can only dream of. I'm crying because of your sadness. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm betting there are literally thousands of people who would love to be in the place that you dismiss for all the wrong reasons. I'm sorry I'm a devoted follower of your blog, and I feel all your hurt and frustrations, but at least you're not living in a tent with daily airstrikes threatening you and the people you love. I don't have to face that either, and I'm still often discontented with my lot, but so many people can only dream of our lives. Sorry Dawn, I can't agree with you on this one

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is OK my Friend, I am in total Agreement with you actually. Which is why I do Feel totally Ungrateful for Feeling so Miserable, I've been Homeless once, it wasn't Fun. I've had hard times and they were very difficult too, so our Present is certainly more Blessed than much of our Past as well. I am very Grateful for the Friends such as yourself who tell me what I Need to hear and not just what I want to hear if there is not agreement. It puts things in the proper perspective. We actually moved from a very Poor part of Town where our Old Historic property was, I preferred it, I just feel like perhaps I never should have left. God Bless you my Friend for keeping it 100% and agreeing to disagree! Mwah and a big virtual Hug... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
    2. BTW: Loving one's Village is absolutely Priceless Lesley, it is a greater Blessing than most realize until they don't have it! I would rather live in a substandard Home needing Restoration like our Old Homestead around a Community I Love than in a McManse in a Lonely Community... Mother Teresa was right, Loneliness is indeed the Greatest Poverty! Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  5. Hi Dawn!!! Sorry your not happy at your new digs...I can relate...I love the place I live at but hate the area...I was pegged an OUTSIDER the moment I moved here & nothing I did made a difference so I retreated & have been getting ready for a move..next year...I told the Hubby I tried it his way now I am heading back to friendly places...Life is too freaking short... but what I do is every morning I do a gratitude list..it really does help me through the day...not always...but enough so I can survive...& I know there are others that are worse off...society is changing & not for the good... the Hubby & talk about it alot...the sense of community is going...relationships are superficial & social media does not help...it does suck... But I love the PJ rebellion.. sometimes we just need to protest.... Stay strong Sister..Hopefully things will get a bit better....HUGS...Linda...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you my Friend for understanding what I was trying to convey since you have had a point of reference similar to the experience. Grass always looks Greener on the other side and an area can appear on the surface as Idyllic visually, but have hidden Miseries not so apparent since it's all dressed up to impress. I have personally found a precious Friendly Spirit in most of the Poor communities I have spent most of my Life living in and I suppose I am homesick for that camaraderie that Hardship often bonds people together more strongly with than Comfort or Affluence does. I am so Happy for you that you are contemplating a change of scenery to go back to something you know to be a Friendly Place. I agree, Society in general has shifted so much and thus the Spirit of Communities has altered in ways that don't have so much sense of a Belonging. Loving our new Home was easy, making the transition to a less Friendly place we were so unfamiliar with the Lifestyle of has been a lot more of a personal Challenge for the Children and I. Being at the receiving end of some Unlovely situations has just made us Guarded and not Feeling Welcome at all. A Gratitude List is something I do too, it's hard to keep a Grateful Heart Down for long... if my Health were better and I wasn't in Grief about losing my Mom as well I might not have bottomed out so hard as I have lately. I'm sure the Spirit of the Holidays and Holy Days coming up will Help buoy the Spirit immensely. Thanks for coming by with Encouragement and Wonderful suggestions to help me thru this most difficult time. Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl