Monday, October 3, 2016

Beatin' Da Blues... Or A Zombie Life



I'm not exactly sure why but lately I've been having da Blues a lot lately, which is totally out of Character for me so I don't like it... not one bit.  I don't wanna be singin' da Blues, though I Love that genre of Music best, LIVING it, not so much!  I've been doing everything I know to do to be beatin' da Blues, which is one of the primary reasons it didn't take much persuasion when Princess T dragged me out of the house to do that Girl's Day Out this past Friday.  I was resistant however, I didn't Feel like it... I almost didn't have the energy or desire to pursue a Good Time! *Gasp!*  Yeah, that's what da Blues feels like... 'Meh' and indifferent about everything!




And we did have a Good Time in the City... and found some little Treasures like these two adorable Antique Adopted Relatives Photos embellished with trims... and a Vintage Hat trimmed with delightful Millinery.   But I didn't want it to end... I didn't want to go back out here... so the minute we hit Home again I felt the very same way I had before I left for our Great Escape, da Blues were back!!!  *Le Sigh*   I'm being very introspective about why... and though I'm not exactly sure... I do know it has something to do with not feeling settled, with feeling totally restless and uncomfortable with all the Change that has occurred in the last year.  With not yet having a Belonging about where we've ended up, as Lovely as it all is, I don't yet feel Connected to any of it.




I'm feathering the Nest so that it will Feel like Home to me... I look around and have to still pinch myself that we're living the Dream, as far as the Architectural Glory and Perfection of our new Home.   I can go outside and look at the Majestic Mountains, the Pristine Desert just outside of our subdivision, the meticulously manicured landscaping and Beautifully designed Homes surrounding us, the Serenity... and Wonder why it just feels not quite Right to me? 




 I knew I was always resistant to Subdivision Living, even tho' this is the first time I've ever actually lived in one and given it a try, it's not the Lifestyle for me and I feel it at a visceral level.  So maybe it is in part, the Perfection and Predictability of it all... Predictability equals Boring in my mind!  The Zombie Life!!!  *Arghhhh! LOL*  The manicured structure and rigidity of conforming that subdivision living parlays, perhaps that is where my discomfort lies?  I'm not a very structured person you see, though The Man is, so he's more settled here already.  Actually the Imperfections rather than the quest for Perfection is what drives me and feeds my Creative Soul.  I Celebrate the Imperfections and History in almost anything and prefer it, it adds Interest, imparts Character and shows unique distinctions.




Much of that is sorely lacking when everything is so contrived, so Perfect, so New, so rigid and forced into submission.   Most of the landscape in the various manicured yards are trimmed within an inch of their lives, poor things!  Nature is under total submission and a bit tortured actually.  So many of the residents too, conforming, rigidly conforming to an Ideal that just doesn't seem all that Natural to me actually, it seems forced and in many ways fake and an illusion.  I'm not a faker, I could never convincingly fake anything, even forcing myself into feeling Contentment when I feel restless and malcontent but don't even know exactly why.  Even in surroundings that by all accounts I should feel a lot of Positive emotions about rather than Negative ones, but I just can't seem to... can't force myself to.  I'm working on adjusting and just making my mark here now, Transforming our subdivision Home into a Unique Tuscan Retreat because it has such Potential to be Fabulous in every way.




And Yes, I would be that Neighbor that keeps my Palms bushy and full, not trimmed up within an inch of their poor lives because I like them better this way.  Expect that I will only trim off the fronds that are dead and allow Nature to dictate, to some degree, what it wants to do, how it wants to grow and look. Within reason... well, within HOA reason anyway, but only because I have to be in some measure of forced compliance with The System since we have an HOA!  *Winks*  Yes, I will respectfully decline any offers to Share the name of their Landscape Company so that I could get it all up under Control.  Does everything NEED to be Controlled so rigidly would be my knee jerk response?   And Lord have Mercy, if anyone was more of a Control Freak than me it would be a stretch, but I have my boundaries of what even I want to Control or force upon anything or anyone!!!  *Ha ha ha*




Yes, my Bougainvillea has gone a bit berserk, but it's such a happy plant filled with non-stop Gloriously vivid abundant blooms.  It's brothers and sisters in various gardens are so butchered, so harshly pressed into submission of unnatural forms that their blooms are conspicuous by their absence.  A square shaped Bougainvillea does not exist in Nature freely, never seen God grown one that way.  That's totally a Man made Vision of landscaped Sculpting and tho' some prefer it, I'm not a huge Fan unless I'm visiting Disneyland or a Japanese Zen Garden.  The Asian Inspired manicured Garden is my definite exception to Creative plant Sculpting.  Because it never seems to be fighting Nature by butchering it, only flowing with it by Showcasing it Artistically in a way that I find to be Pleasing to all the Senses and the plants look happy to me.




Yes, I believe plants can look happy or sad... they are living things and they will respond to how they are Cared for or neglected, just like people.   I don't intend to have a neglected Garden, just one that grows more Naturally without me obsessing about a leaf being out of place or what the neighbors might think of my Vision for our Garden.  If their Vision is structure and Perfect Order in their Garden I can roll with that, but I can't conform to that.   Will I ever fit in to subdivision living, especially in a Rural location, I seriously doubt it, but I do think that once I've adjusted I could become more settled in my Spirit about all of these Changes that are so foreign to me.  Right now tho' I recognize I'm still adjusting and it's uncomfortable and gives me da Blues off and on.  I miss so much about my Old Life before the Big Move... and I'm Homesick.




So I've been trying to busy myself when I feel da Blues coming on and I can't get out and Escape the confines of subdivision Hell.   I started with a panel of Gypsy Curtains, a Project I've put off for too long already... needing several panels as Window Treatments around the numerous Arcadia Doors leading to the interior Courtyard and back yard spaces.  I've had the supplies hoarded up and hand dyed... so finally I got busy with a panel, hopeful that Creativity would beat da Blues.  I decided to mix hand sewing with pinning and seam binding ties for practicality's sake, in case I want to change the fabric artistry of it more often and not have to waste panels I've grown tired of.  So there will be Golden Pins, hand dyed seam binding and trim ties, Bohemian Bling Brooches... all working together to suspend and secure various fabrics... and just a touch of hand sewing where it's absolutely necessary.   I'm having Fun with it and that's really the whole point, to uplift the Spirit and feed the Soul.




I'm not attached to the outcome since I will probably have it constantly evolving and not all that static as I add elements and take away elements as it's being Created or deconstructed to try something different.   Right now this panel is still under construction and not finished by any means, it's in it's infancy stage of construction at the moment.  I don't know exactly when it will be done since when I'm Creating anything I just keep working on it and adding to it until it Pleases me and seems finished enough... for now.  *Winks*   That's why I always work on Curtain panels while they're still hanging up and being used, since it could take more time than I want them just laying around somewhere not being functional or forgotten.  If they're hanging up I'm more inclined to keep working on them sporadically since they're not out of sight and therefore out of mind!  *LOL*




Unlike some Gypsy Curtain panels I've made in the Past these will be mostly Sepia hues to compliment the Warm Tuscan Palette in most rooms they will be a backdrop to.   So I've been Jazzed when I find fabrics and trims that either already possess that Hue or can easily be Tea Stained and Transformed to the desired palette of these particular panels.  I want a variety of textures, fabrics and layers going on so this is really only the foundation layers being added at the moment.   I will seek out gossamer fabrics to layer and drape over these and then add more ties and trims or Bohemian Bling Brooches as I go along.  So I've been digging thru my fabric stashes constantly to come up with what I'd like to use for each panel that will be Created... there will be a total of six I'll be working on to get all the window treatments I still need.




I particularly like that they have a different appearance at Night {shown above}...




Than they do during the Day {shown above}... and don't they go nicely with the Hue on the Walls?




And Yes, as each is finally completed I'll Share the Reveal of them... but I like looking back at The Process since Photographing a Creation as it's coming together can help me to better see where I want or need to make Changes.  It also helps me know what types and shapes of fabrics and trims in my stash would look best as additions to the layers still needed.  Or which pieces I might need to hand dye to give more depth to the whole look.   I don't know about you but I so Enjoy digging thru my stashes of anything I've hoarded up!!!  And don't even get me started about dying fabrics, I'm like a Mad Scientist and Alchemist when it comes to dying and Tea Staining fabrics or altering them!




I'm thinking of adding some Boro mending elements as well since I like the Japanese Method of mending textiles and have owned some examples for years that have never ceased to Inspire me.   Funny really how we used to do it out of necessity to keep things 'going' and useful to wear or utilize every day so we didn't have to replace them... and now it's just to add Interest and mend textiles that are old and bought on purpose that way to go into a New Creation!  *Ha ha ha*   I'm particularly liking when I can find more unfinished embroidery and petite point pieces, especially those that just have the Floral elements complete and the rest is still raw and unfinished canvas fabric.   Because it lets the light filter through when added to a Gypsy Curtain panel and yet has that touch of exquisite Hand-Work that just never got finished.  I like to Imagine why the Work halted?




And my dyed Seam Binding, dyed Fibers and Sari Material Strip Hoard is Epic, so I've got to wade thru all that too so as to find the Ideal ties I want to add to the panels.   So Yes, I'm beatin' da Blues one day at a time, in various ways, and Trusting that eventually they will subside and just go away all on their own as I become more Invested in our New Home and location... Connecting after all usually takes Time and Patience.   Something that yours truly tends to be in short supply of both... *Smiles*  But, we'll Make It Work!!!




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Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


16 comments:

  1. That's a tough one as I have had depression and an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. It seems that meds aren't a sure thing. Trick your brain. Do everything opposite to what you usually do: drive different routes than you usually do etc. And exercise, even walking helps. It is a daily struggle for me even with meds. Luckily, some days are better than others. I love those days.

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    1. Yes, I recognize the depression side of it, which is not something I've dealt with so it definitely feels 'not right'. Having Caregiver burnout is something I can work with dealing more effectively with than living in a Home where I still feel very displaced and unhappy being... this is probably the most isolated living I've ever encountered in my life and the symptoms go away anytime I'm back in the City where I feel more at Home and engaged in a Lifestyle I prefer. It has been a difficult balance since The Man, after the Traumatic Brain Injury, NEEDS less sensory overload than is present in the City... and the G-Kids needed a better rated School System than was available in any inner City neighborhood. I was willing to make the sacrifice and why I chose this location, the drawbacks were not so evident initially and I really never expected to feel so negative about it all so it has been really hard to wrestle with that in my Spirit and the battlefield of the Mind. Reminds me of Sushi... I WANT to like Sushi since it's so pretty *ha ha ha* but I don't like it no matter how many times I've tried it... same here, I WANT to like it since it's all so pretty, but I just don't. Thanks for weighing in, and Praying for more of those better days for you too my Friend! Hugs from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. I so understand what you are trying to achieve....my new bedroom has the workings of needing to be OLDED...or Glamified, or subdued---it's just too NEW...on one hand makes me scowl, and the other sigh in some sort of contentment. I think making HOME..is probably the hardest thing to do---for all. We've had changes here too, and I have resisted taking pics, because it's just not HOME yet...lol. Sandi

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    1. Yes Sandi, I agree, it was so much easier for me to make our old Historic Home feel right because half the Work had already been done by Father Time and the rich History of the Property so I just enhanced that... and Old Town was so Friendly, Vibrant and there was always so much to do and you could easily have an active Social Life as well as a Home you Loved. Out here in the boonies and subdivision hell it so much more challenging for me to make it FEEL like Home or even want to put down permanent roots. I keep looking at Real Estate ALREADY, in the Historic parts of the City where I long to relocate one day... this just does seem to be a Forever spot to me so I don't know how Invested I even should or want to be? Hope you get that Boudoir 'olded' just right. *winks* Dawn... The Bohemian

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  3. Is there a chance you could all move back to your previous house, since it hasn't sold yet? Maybe it hasn't sold, because it's waiting for you to come back.

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    1. I've thought of that, but honestly, we don't have the restoration budget to bring it back to life and alone it is a huge property for me to try to maintain. Also, old town has had it's share of crime on the rise so for my Family's sake I wanted them in an environment where we did not have to deal with victimization issues. Granted, it's always a small minority of the population that are the majority of the problem, all our neighbors were such wonderful people that we miss them so much and I Wish with all my Heart we could just move back, I really do. Thanks for weighing in... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  4. You are so clever. I like your panels. I have never seen anything like them.

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    1. Awww, thanks for the sweet words my Friend, so easy to do, just pin and tie even if you have zero sewing skills, such fun, you should just try it... if you don't like or get tired of the results, just unpin and untie and start over... it never has to be a static display of Creativity. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  5. Your gypsy lace and linen curtains are so funky and it's so creative that you can move each element around at whim...
    Yes l can see how your new home would be a big adjustment for you since it's pretty much the opposite of what you've lived in for all those years...and l totally get what you're saying about the burbs...we live in the burbs too and l love that it's safe, predictable and kind of detached since l mostly prefer my own company much of the time, but sometimes it's just so ordinary, normal and conformist l could scream!...however hubby will never live in an old house or even move from here so this is my lot, but anyway l try to make the most of it and enjoy the positives, but l hear ya...sending you hugs and hope for happier days dear Dawn.

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    1. Yes, we have that exact dilemma, The Man knows how unconventional and non-conforming I am so he expects this to be a difficult adjustment for me... the predictability of it all bores me out of my Mind. Ha ha ha And I so love a Challenge, so long as it's not an insurmountable one, so Saving an Old Home was a Joy when we were up to it, bringing them to Life again made me feel so accomplished and happy... now I'd need one someone else already did all the sweat equity in and restored, I know this, but all Historic properties locally are in the inner city and The Man does not like inner city, tho' for me it's vibrant and so much happening that I thrive in it's energy. Thanks for coming by and having that point of reference that makes me not feel like my emotional rollercoaster during this adjustment period is perhaps all that abnormal for a City Gal who has a leaning towards the Love of Old... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  6. The blues start coming on for me in late fall, but the climate in our country, both literally and figuratively, has started it early. The best thing to do I for me is to put some nice clothes on and go somewhere. It is best to be around people to help my spirits. It always works.

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    1. Me too, I Confess that my Escapes into the City deposit Positive Energy that sorely is lacking out here in the isolation and detachment of the burbs. Or, I go to the Natural places nearby and have that infuse me with it's Positive Energy, Nature always Inspires and brings a sense of Awe and reverence. Adjustment has been slow and difficult for me, I'm still transitioning and its brutal! Ha ha ha Dawn... The Bohemian

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  7. I love your gypsy curtains ... I know it always helps my mood to create things when I'm blue. I'm really sorry to hear you're not enjoying your new place though. I'm not sure I'd be happy living under the rules of a HOA myself. :(

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    1. HOA's are the devil... bwahahahaha... tho' ours isn't that bad, they are fairly liberal as far as HOA's go, and not fanatical... however, some of the neighbors... well, fanatical would be the word in so many ways! Ha ha ha I am Creating an environment I want to remain in, hopefully, it's a Process and I'm working it out and making it work as Tim Gunn would say. Bloom where you are planted. Thanks for coming by with encouragement... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  8. So sorry to hear you're not happy in your new neighborhood. Change is hard in the best of times and you have more than your share of challenges. Don't give up hope, nothing stays the same for long. I've never moved without missing some part of my previous life. It can be lonely and tough. After each move I would eventually find a kindred spirit to be friends with. Sometimes it took a couple years and it was the last person I expected, like my 80 something neighbor lady. Still any friend makes all the difference in the world. Sorry to run on, this is an issue I've struggled with a lot.
    As for your gypsy curtain - wow! If I was your neighbor I'd be knocking on your door for a better look! I adore your lovely bougainvillea and I can't imagine why anyone would prune them into shapes, ugh!
    I hope things work out for you. Cheers, Sarah

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    1. Oh Sarah your running on meant the World to me tho', such Positive reinforcement and Hope extended. Finding that Sweet Spot to make a Forever Home can be challenging can't it, so many variables one does not have Control over and being a total Control Freak about my environment is probably my greatest Challenge. Acceptance of the things {and people} I cannot Change is hard, I always want balance, Harmony, Peace and Joy... it's a lofty Ideal I know... and I'm working things out for me and for my Dear Family as best I can, it's just been a very trying Process. And I agree, Friends are Priceless and make all the difference in one's World... and if you're ever roaming the Arizona Desert, stop on by for sure and get that better look my Friend! Dawn... The Bohemian

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl