Friday, September 9, 2016

Blog Hopping And Other Insomniac Tales



So... very often when I cannot Sleep, which is very often lately... I just give up, roll out of bed and go Blog Hopping.   I'm sure many of you who have Insomniac Tales have that one thing you go to in order to attempt to unwind enough to drift off into blissful slumber, mine is Hopping the Blogs.  It is such a vast Land that it's practically infinite... and along with the fav Blog Devotionals, I like to try to find new ones that would Appeal to me on any level and perhaps even end up on the Side Bar of mine.




Other Insomniac Rituals might include Crazy Hour Decorating or After Hours Pathological Picture Taking... or perhaps even both combined if I'm really having Vampirish tendancies.    The latter has been the case lately since as my Surgery looms ever closer it's becoming Real and the logistics of still not having a way to get Home after Surgery are gnawing at me.  At first I was just in denial about the fact they probably won't allow me to drive myself Home Post-Op.  Or consider even that I might not be able to drive myself Home with Driving Foot being the one operated on.  Or remember that I'd probably have an Rx to fill somewhere along the way Home for Pain Management.




It was all just too much to logistically figure out with few options available, so I just didn't wanna even think about it since the Surgery can't be put off any longer.  Or want to discuss my concerns openly at Home since The Man was having the crazy notion that he could perhaps remember how to drive Post-TBI!  Because like Rain Man he thinks he is probably still a very good driver!!!  Never mind he's still a Wander Risk and gets disoriented easily when out of familiar surroundings... or wanders off task constantly doing just about anything, regardless how much focus is required.  So Yeah, that ain't happening!  *Shudder*




So I busied myself finally moving the Antique Sewing Cabinet out of the Single Car Garage Hoard.  Just so I wouldn't have to contemplate being possibly stranded at a Hospital Post-Op with no way to get me or my Truck back Home or get a script filled that clearly I'll need if I am in a lot of pain afterwards?  Said Cabinet was originally bought to go Upstairs to the Art Studio Loft for supply Storage. But because it's the weight of a Boat Anchor it just made it barely around the corner from said Single Car Hoarded Garage! {See door beside it... intentionally now blocked with Vintage Suitcases lest someone Wander in there and get lost in the Hoard!} And that's good enough for me, I Adapt and Improvise on the Fly quite easily and frequently to have Make It Work Moments.




And my Adaptation and Improvisation Skills are gonna be needed for the day of Surgery I suspect, so might as well Practice honing them so I can have a Make It Work Moment about that too before the 20th rolls around!?   Check-In for Surgery is a Crazy Time in the Morning of that day as it is, I have to BE there before SIX AM... with about a 45 minute commute to said Hospital, that's gonna be a very early wake-up Call indeed.   Not to mention it will leave The Man in Charge of getting The G-Kid Force off to School and sticking with the Plan not to walk too far with Princess T lest he not remember how to get back Home!?   I know she can manage to get there and back... and her Big Brother's School is much further so he has to leave way earlier for his hike there... mebbe he should just call them both in Sick that day for Personal Family Reasons, I dunno?




If The Son and his Beloved are both able to get off Work and drive clear across the Valley to retrieve gammy foot Mom and her Truck from the Hospital after Surgery at any point during the day that is my Plan A.   If they cannot I don't really have a Plan B yet formulated... thus my Mind keeps racing as it gets more Real and Insomnia sets in.   We've been on perpetual Specialist Appointments for both G-Kids lately traversing the Valley between the distant Children's Hospitals and the grim news for each hasn't helped matters.




 I'm still processing and working thru all of that in my Head as well and trying to Cope without dwelling on it in a negative way, which never helps.   Denial is much easier but it's not really a long term option, just a short term distraction to relieve Stresses piling up like cordwood.   At some point facing and dealing with it all head on is necessary... no avoidance can be prolonged forever.




Though the Young Prince's medical situation was deemed Urgent and the Specialist wants a Surgical Procedure done stat... well, being he's the only Pediatric Specialist that does this kind of thing in the entire Valley... he's booked solid 'til the END of OCTOBER!   So much for the stat Promise, they told me they'd call if there are any cancellations between now and then, splendid!  Being Post Op myself by then and Phoenix Children's Hospital being clear across the Valley, that's another potential logistical Nightmare if I can't drive for a while?  In the meantime if The Young Prince's situation worsens, keep going back to the ER they say... that's always a great back-up Plan given how crazy busy the City Emergency Rooms always are at every Hospital around here... lets just Hope it's not necessary!?!    




Throw in that the most recent visit to Princess T's Gastro Specialist revealed that it's very likely her chronic GERD troubles are not just food related but more than likely Mental and Behavioral Health related... and I cannot remain in Denial about that anymore either.   Deep down I knew... you always do... but you always Hope it's something else... anything else actually... just NOT that... not with another one... it's tough news to receive and digest.   Things have been escalating with the Behaviorally Challenged young Princess to a point where my Coping Skills are maxed out daily from what clearly appear to be more frequent psychotic breaks and more difficulty managing her effectively during them.  I've witnessed enough of those over the years to know what it looks like and feels like when you are the Caregiver of someone suffering from them. 




When things escalate and there is no comforting or consoling said individual and you have become the enemy, well, that Yodeling thing just won't cut it lemme tell ya!   Neither will the 100 other things on that Psychologist's Laundry List of ways to relieve Caregiver Stress or diffuse a Crisis already in progress.  *Le Sigh*   Mebbe being stranded at the Hospital Post-Op a while is starting to look like a demented mini Vacay to me, I dunno, I'm just not all that certain I'll be too upset if something doesn't work out to get me Home right away after Surgery?!  *LOL*   But, since the Cavalry for sure ain't coming and I'm too stupid stubborn and Proud to hoist up the White Flag and admit defeat... I'll continue to be an Army of one for as long as I'm able... not a lot of other options really.




On days when I Feel really wrung and worn out it is as if the Lunatics have taken over and are running the Asylum... and it's like standing in the middle of a Riot and being impotent to make any real Change of the Chaos around you.  Maintaining your Calm is not so easy as wanting to and needing to.  Depends entirely upon how lengthy you're dealing with a situation or crisis in progress and clearly in full swing?  Knowing you are not in Control of anything except your own reaction to it... so it just is what it is.   Acceptance, that's part of the Process... some things just have to run their course no matter how difficult, stressful or unlovely experiencing and enduring it is.  You have to distract yourself from thinking upon how screwed you really are in the situation.




And sure, I could choose to distract myself with much needed action upon the deferred maintenance of the housekeeping that is clearly evident.  But does dust really bother me that much when all Hell is breaking loose to the right, left and center of this environment?  No... really it does not... and I've never been much of a domestic goddess anyway even on a Good day and we haven't had one of those in a long time.  So the Monk's Bench may or may not get dusted now that I see how thick the layers are in this Image around and on the carved Lion!  *LOL*   Those of you who may be dealing with too much of the Issues of Life can probably relate to how far down the list of Priorities maintaining your Home can actually get?!?   Mine is often at Critical Mass nowadays... and I Wish I could say I don't Care... but I'm too freakin' OCD to delude myself into Believing that!




I can however have small Victories in the war on deferred Housekeeping if I keep it limited to smaller War Zones and Battlefields, like a Hallway.   Just don't look around the corner to your Left at the Stairway Landing... or God Forbid go Upstairs at all where The Force is occupying that Territory and it looks like a War Zone on the losing side of battle!!!   I retreat from Upstairs for now... though Negotiations are always in progress with the enemy and sometimes there is an uneasy Truce of sorts to appease me lest I go a bit Mental if I venture up there and can't take it.  Some things you just cannot un-see, you know?   But when you are dealing with the Chronically Disorganized and Seriously Mentally Ill, there is no telling what horrors await you if they've remained unchecked or monitored consistently enough!?




Have you all cleaned your rooms I ask daily... some days they actually allegedly have... and on the surface it can even fool ya!   Unless you do some Recon and Covert Ops up there... and really delve into the War on nastiness with a vengeance.   Once Princess T hid the carcass of a half a Seedless Watermelon beneath a pillow on her BED!!!   Now, because she still mostly sleeps downstairs for anxiety and fear of being alone upstairs and the infamous 3rd day in the house Scorpion sting incident in her Bedroom when we first moved in, the Bed stayed 'made' and looking lovely for quite a while before I got suspicious of what is that SMELL?!?   When cheesy little socks are flung all over you just assume it's the dirty laundry... gather it up to unite it with that in the hamper. {Don't know why her cheesy little socks never seem to make it into said hamper, it's an ongoing Mystery of her Life and peculiar habits} Imagine my Surprise to finally locate said Odor and horror under the pillow!!!  *Yikes!*




It had mostly petrified, but there was some personality growing on it that might be an eventual Cure for something, but I'm no Madame Curie so it hadda go!  When confronted she shrugs and says, Oh, sorry Gramma... I FORGOT I'd put that there!!!   And No, there is no use in asking why one would put such a thing there in the first place because her peculiar habits are not so peculiar to her and you will be met with a blank stare and no comprehension whatsoever!  OR... you will possibly induce and trigger a psychotic break episode of probably epic proportions that will last so long you'd rather deal with the occasional rotting fruit in a Bed thang, at the end of the day it's just easier to deal and Cope with.   The corpse of half a Watermelon hidden under a pillow is weird and totally unexpected, but it is much less likely to push me to the edge of Sanity.  I will probably not be reduced to throwing a hair brush across a room as I hit the wall Emotionally.   I will be able to keep it together as I just unceremoniously take out the trash.




And when at the end of any exhausting day you just cannot sleep and Insomnia consumes you no matter how tired you were... Blog Hopping is always that one thing you can turn to in order to attempt to unwind enough to drift off into blissful slumber.   Or the wee hour of the Morning Vent Blog Post about random things such as Blog Hopping and other Insomniac Tales.  *Smiles*   Because just writing the Sad commentary on The Princess' annual required Adoption Subsidy Report that came in Today about her continued Special Needs and how I deal with them wasn't quite enough of a Vent.  






 I strongly suspect we'll be moving from a Level 3 Rating of extent of Disability to a Level 4 Rating, that matches her older Brother's Highest Rating given, quite soon I'm afraid?!?   And here I initially and delusionally thought The System was magnifying said Child's extent of Disability by Rating her a 3 in the first place!  I had anticipated a 1 or a 2, surely she couldn't be that bad off?  I can admit when I'm wrong... I was wrong. 




Or mebbe just Hopeful... wrong and Hopeful, that is what I was.  The Young Prince laughed when I told him of how our Morning had unfolded after he left for School and his Sister went completely over the edge again.  He had asked what was wrong since he knew clearly something was when I picked him up after Band Practice.  My countenance was just crestfallen enough not to be able to mask my weariness... sometimes you just can't put on a convincing enough facade to present.   But my storytelling is almost always humorous in hindsight, you know, after you've Survived an epic Incident and can find the Humor in the Darkness of it all.   You threw a hairbrush across the room he marveled?!  Yep, better than laying my hands on or throwing it at anyone I says, though I'm certainly not Proud of it and it was totally spontaneous and not so well thought out... but it was a much better Release than Yodeling.  We both had fits of laughter about our inside joke of Yodeling.




He wanted more juicy details of his missed opportunity to Enjoy Witnessing the Hairbrush flinging display of Maturity I'd been reduced to!  *LOL*  Since usually my Composure prevails and this was clearly an Epic non-coping Morning for me when I had not been able to Calm her down from her lengthy Psychotic Fit.   A Fit that began before I even woke up actually and we can't fathom why for the Life of us!!!??  And continued to escalate until she was convinced I was trying to make her Ugly with how I was doing her ponytail!!!??  Because Yesterday's Pony Tail was PERFECT that you did Gramma and I looked so Pretty she wailed... and Today it is all Wrong and you've made me Ugly!!! {Even tho' I swear to God it was in fact Identical to Yesterdays!... Le Sigh}  As she hysterically cries and angrily ripped it out several time, her hair now looking like she'd been drug thru a hedge backwards... just minutes before we needed to leave to get her loaded into the Truck and off to School on time, Hopefully Calmer, Saner and more in Control of herself?!  I didn't wanna get THAT Call if she wasn't and they couldn't Manage her, even in her Special Ed Class they send her to when things get rough!?




Isn't her Ponytail on the back of her head where she can't even see it he asks... I give him that 'knowing' look and we laugh at the absurdity of that naive statement of why it would even matter that she couldn't see it!?  *LOL*  Okay, so get to the Hairbrush throwing part Gramma, you know, when you couldn't take it anymore... with both my Sister and Grandpa totally losing it after I left for School!!!  He's grinning broadly and I know he wants to make me Laugh and not be so Serious, embarrassed and crestfallen about how the Lunatics had taken over the Asylum on my Watch that Morning.  *Winks*  Well, yeah, I says, it was pretty Epic and got everyone's Attention I gotta admit, diffusing the situation almost instantly.  That damned brush flew across the empty Living Room, bounced off the floor, hit the ceiling and flew over Grandpa's Recliner and Floor Lamp, just narrowly missing taking out a Window as it hit the back Wall... and Silence fell across the previously Chaotic Scene of Yelling, Rage and Wailing going on with those two!  Of coarse I left the room and had to totally disengage immediately and cry a bit myself... so I could sufficiently Calm down enough to go back and deal with the Insanity properly... and in the right Spirit of being in Control of myself and from a place of Love and not Caregiver Burnout.




And they want your Sister to receive Mental Health and Behavioral Therapy I says... and I don't know her frail little body can take harsh Psychotropic meds given all her Chronic Physical Ailments already being a strain!?!   Look how it's affected you after all these years on it and why you are now being weaned off it all... due to your physical health tanking due to having to manage your Mental Health for so many years!!!  And Therapy is generally USELESS!   I knew I was rambling a bit, but he's Sixteen now, and he's been Stoic about dealing with the Catch 22 of either Managing his own Mental Health with reduced or no Meds since his physical health is compromised at this juncture. 




  Well Gramma, he says with Sage Wisdom of one being 16 going on 60 in his Old Soul way... you're doing your best and we all knew she isn't right, so you knew this was coming eventually anyway... we all did.  And you just tossing a Hairbrush once isn't the worst way to Cope with how things are... I mean, at least you didn't snatch her bald headed like a lot of people would have probably wanted to or fantasized doing!  He confesses that when she's spiraled out of Control and takes him THERE to the Edge when she's having a Fit he would like to throw something AT her and sometimes doesn't resist the Urge!  *LOL, True that!  I've Mediated many a mutual Meltdown when one triggers or Torments the other!*  And if it made you feel better, he says, then just add that to the stupid Caregiver Crisis Support List along with Yodeling... ahhh, gotta Love that Kid's logic! *Smiles*




Yes, I'm not getting much Restful Slumber lately... but at least I know why... and am working through it all to reach a place of Peace and Calm.  Adapting and Improvising when and if I can... and just Rolling with what I can't figure or work out successfully.   And now that the Sun is rising it's a Brand New Day... and perhaps it will be a Good one?   And if it isn't, well, there is always that Emergency mini stash of a single Corona and a lone Lime... or some of that Year old bottle of unopened Moscato in the Fridge... just Chillin'... just in case I can't manage to be Chill without it?!?  *Winks*  



*******

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

2 comments:

  1. I'm sure some of your good friend/antique mall buddies would be more than willing to come to your rescue! Don't be too proud to ask! Blessings.

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    Replies
    1. I hate to put anyone on the spot especially since everyone I know works and would probably have to take a day off to volunteer... it would be a lot to ask of anyone. Something will work out I'm just not sure what yet. Dawn... The Bohemian

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl