Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Spotlight... Life Illuminated

It is probably fitting that I've been looking at something over-sized that I'd want to illuminate our room that has the least amount of built-in lighting.  I always Spotlight things, call it Life Illuminated... I always want to see everything with Clarity. 

This Hollywood Stage Light was something I wanted to drag Home to illuminate our Livingroom, the original bulb had been replaced with a less intense one... but The Man and the G-Kid Force still thought it too extreme.  *LOL*   Yes, I'm also prone to the extreme, I know that.

But finding balance to extreme thinking is something I do struggle with, it's all or nothing with me usually... I'm usually either 'All In' or 'All Out' about anything.   I still really want and like the Hollywood Stage Light for right behind my Recliner, since I think it would be way Vintage Industrial Cool and brightly illuminate a room that come Nightfall can be too Cave-like for my tastes. 

But the Family don't think I'm seeing things Clearly about that not being a good fit and the right thing to do for that Space... they could be right.   Sometimes I press forward with what seems like a splendid Idea and perhaps it was one of my "Blinders Moments" where I had eyes wide shut and was too focused in on a Goal without thinking about what could be negative about it.

I'm leading up to a Story line about the REAL Spotlight Moment that needs Life illuminated properly for me and made me want to Create this specific Post.  Any of you that have been following my Blog know that we've been told my Mom is dying and I've set a firm Goal to get to California to see her at least one last time with some of the extended Family.

We weren't overthinking this Emergency Road Trip and it was more about finding funding and the right Timing to be able to accomplish it.   We also had no delusions about her condition and that this was certainly not going to be one of those Pleasant Get Together Kumbaya Family Moments that would be Memorable in a Good Way probably at all.

So I guess it blindsided me when I got The Call on Father's Day from my Brother telling me to perhaps Re-Think coming at all.   He's been carrying the load of Mom's deteriorating condition and part of the reason we wanted to come was to be supportive and an encouragement for he and his Family too in person, for a little while at least, rather than from afar in a different State.

The Fourth of July, The Son's Birthday and even Mom's Birthday are all coming up very soon so mixing actual Celebrations with Sorrowful circumstances is one of those difficult things you just have to muddle thru sometimes.  I've been trying to retain some levity and sense of Normalcy during a very dark time for our Family.  I feel that I have accomplished that to a degree and perhaps just been overly Optimistic... which is just like me.

I don't mean to be overly Optimistic to be trite about something serious, I just prefer to look on the bright side of any situation, no matter how dismal.  So I didn't want to upset my Brother, since his Logic about trying to talk us out of the Trip was valid and I needed to turn a Spotlight on this decision now... Life illuminated so I can have complete Clarity about what to do... or not do.

We will be making the Trip, that is a certainty, can't be talked out of it just because things are really bad now and the worst possible scenario for a Last Visit with someone you Love dearly.  The Son already set aside Vacay Time to do it with me, he wants to see his Nanna too one last time and I've braced him for how bad it now is.  But I do have to take Princess T along and that's part of the heavy decision making after the talk with my Brother.

My Brother is always the Logical One, who thinks everything out to the tiniest details so that everything will have as predictable an outcome as possible... Hopefully a Good one.  So he decided to prepare Mom for our pending Visit, and since the infection created full blown extreme dementia he realizes she often recognizes no-one anymore nor why they're in her room.  That can agitate and frighten her or trigger violent episodes where it is difficult to Calm or manage her.

We want to see and spend time with her one last time... and yet we don't want to add to her torment, which may or may not be possible?  Depending upon if she has a lucid or Good day... which are getting rarer and the exception to the rule.  My Brother showed her the Family photos to see if there would be a spark of recognition and told her we were coming to see her soon... we were Okay if there was none, we expected that possible outcome of not being recognized at all.  We know who she is and that's the Point.

The only reason she now recognizes and is convinced of who my Brother is was due to him having a Realism Tattoo of her on his arm, so now she accepts he is her Son.   I have no Realism Tattoos of Mom... so I knew I could be screwed even remotely convincing her of who I am if she didn't know and couldn't be convinced.   The Son and I fully expected that we all might not be recognized at all as her Family, but as long as it wasn't upsetting to her that we were present and visiting her, we were Okay with that.

But even my Brother wasn't prepared for her reaction to the photos and news of our impending visit.   No, she didn't know who we are... Okay... but she was fully convinced we were being sent to kill her and thus she didn't want to have us near her!  Uh oh... that could be a problem if that psychosis remains a constant!?   

 She got very violent and they had quite a time Calming her down... and he made the Call to me right away because it really shook him up.  He didn't want to go thru any of that again, especially in person and after us making a long Trip under financial hardship to even make it possible.  He felt it would be too Negative and a wasted Trip for us if she refused to even see us or flipped out violently if we tried? 

 For sure we won't be exposing my Grand-Daughter to her now, extended Family in Cali will have to keep Princess T for me and away from Mom, since we have to bring my little one with us.  But I don't want to risk the Child traumatized with a lasting super Negative Memory of her Great-Nanna.  I remember after the catastrophic accident when The Man had zero recognition of any of us, it was brutal and scary for everyone.  But we knew we had to eventually take him Home and find a way to overcome that barrier since The System gave us no other Choice or Options.  The Lord provided... and I Hope He does for our last visit with Mom... for just a Moment in Time?

I want to have a Peace about any decisions we make and that they be the right ones under the circumstances.   I don't want this to be one of the most horrible Memories ever.  Watching my Dad die was hard, but he went out with his Gentle Spirit, sound Mind and wry sense of Humor intact... so saying Good-Bye was possible since he wanted and Welcoming our Presence at his side for his last days here on Earth.  With Mom it is very different and so we don't know how best to say our Good-Byes, we will possibly have regrets whether we can or cannot see her one last time and that grieves me tremendously.

I Cherish the Great Memories we have had over our Lifetime with her... that's what I choose to Remember and not the most challenging of times, of which there have been many, even before this.  We overcame all of the difficult and challenging times, which is what happens in more complicated Relationships, if you Love Unconditionally... which is the only way to Love as far as we're concerned.   I prefer to recall how Mom was on this Mother's Day... rather than how she was on this Father's Day... it was more her authentic Self, not clouded by extreme brain damage.  But either Self we Love her Unconditionally... I just Wish she could Feel that Love if we manage that one last visit?

1 Corinthians 13:4-10New King James Version (NKJV)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. Dawn, I'm going to weigh in here with my opinion which is probably no help at all. You should go for sure - you can handle it. About your granddaughter, that could go two ways. It might suck bad that your Mom is paranoid and not herself at all as a result of her illness OR she might be totally calmed and ok with the presence of a young person in a way that will surprise everyone. I think your brother who is there would be the best judge but, not trying to be a cornball here, remember that dying people can see angels. xoMary

    1. Oh I'm so glad you weighed in my Friend, yes, dying people can see Angels and I thought also about the very young having a calming influence on the elderly, especially those with dementia. When Mom lived in a Nursing Home here in AZ the Alzheimer Residents who were usually non-responsive would come Alive when my Grandchildren came for a visit... it always shocked the staff how 'normal' they could become around the Children and the Kiddos Loved talking with them during our visits, not knowing that usually they don't talk to anyone nor usually have such lucidity. I am Hoping for the best and I am certain we will handle it with Love abounding towards Mom. Dawn... The Bohemian

  2. Replies
    1. LOL, I really WANT to, you have no idea! He he he... Dawn... The Bohemian

  3. God Bless you as you make this decision!

    1. Thank you Marlynne, Princess T says she doesn't care how Nanna acts, she Loves her anyway, it touched my Heart, she's not at all concerned about seeing her Great-Nanna regardless of the brain damage. It's how she responded towards Grandpa too and that unconditional Love created a true Miracle in his Recovery Process. Dawn... The Bohemian


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl