Saturday, May 7, 2016

A Difficult Mother's Day



As my Mom lays dying in a Hospice that I can't even get to right now I'm finding it to be the most difficult Mother's Day weekend ever.  My own health right now is irritatingly problematic and I've got more testing scheduled to figure out what's going on?  The not yet knowing keeps things so up in the air I can't Plan anything decisively.  It's certainly put a damper on my own enthusiasm to even try to Celebrate.  I just don't Feel very Celebratory. 




Too much going on that is not in a Good Spot makes it so that I'm at an overwhelmed place in my Head, in my own Deep Thoughts. Scrambling to bring a semblance of Normalcy to days that are just not at all Normal by any stretch of the Imagination.  I want to be able to Celebrate having a Lovely New Home and the Adoption of the G-Force.  Because Princess T touched my Heart deeply when she told me she's been making me a portfolio of Art because this is the first year a 'Mom' is present in the Home for her to Celebrate this day!  *Yes... it brought me to tears!*




I know  you're still Gramma she told me, but by Law now they told me you are also my Mom and so I want to do something Special for you for Mother's Day because I never could Celebrate it properly before.  Oh yeah, that was a lump in the throat moment and made me Joyful and Sad all at once, mostly for them, yet again.  Sure, I've had them since birth raising them, but until November I wasn't 'Mom' and though they know who Mom is and have Love for her... they have never been able to have her present in their lives very much to remember what it was like to have a Mom present to Celebrate on Mother's Day or to know her.




That made me Appreciate all the more how very Blessed I have been to have had a Present Mom in my Life for so many years and a Relationship with her that I Cherish... a very long run in fact.  It made me realize how many haven't and my Heart aches for them all the more.  Because though the mortality of your own Mom is a tough thing to bear, especially as their time grows close, or perhaps they are already on the other side of Time and Eternity, at least you had those years, those Memories, that Special Bond to draw upon.  For however long you had her?




The G-Kid Force are very sensitive to how Sad this time is for me with their Nanna now dying right around Mother's Day.  How conflicted I Feel about not being able to be Present in two places at once for a host of reasons that make it logistically impossible to be in the place I most Want to be right now, but being Needed in both places equally really.  My own unexpected health issues has just not been Ideal timing either... but really, when is health related Crisis, right, there's never a 'Good' time for that!!!   I could probably deal with it all so much more focused and in the right Spirit if I wasn't so scattered with other significant issues also swamping me.




I Feel absolutely mired in Crisis of several distinct types right now... with no real solutions or control about just about any of them.  Control freaks like to have a perceived measure of Control even if they don't really have the Reality of it... but with all this there is no Illusion of that or even delusion of it.  And so I Feel particularly vulnerable and at the Mercy of whatever just happens that I cannot stop and don't really want to have to deal with Truth be told.




And this isn't even a Rant or Vent Post Today really... just a Sorrowful Heart Exposed right now on a Weekend that should be Memorable in a more Positive type of way than a Negative one... but it isn't.   And I just Feel so very Sad and weary in the midst of the turmoil that is swirling about like a vortex trying to suck me down... and flailing about treading water until you're just Exhausted from the Effort it expends.




They have finally Assigned The Man a TBI Therapy Specialist, which is a Good thing indeed to help me better understand how to be Supportive of his Recovery from the brain injury in a correct way.  But a portion of his Therapy Assignment involves having Homework of Venting to me for a block of time daily, so that he can quit bottling up what creates most of the Mood Regulation Issues and his inability to respond to others well anymore.  In Theory that sounds like such a Good thing... at least for the Individual not on the receiving end of such regularly scheduled Controlled Vents!




Because it is not as if a person suffering from significant brain damage doesn't vent inappropriately almost all of the time.  But without knowing what triggers it or how best to Manage it unless you can somehow get them to verbally communicate their frustrations and thoughts there can be no real Solutions.  I am a very Solution Based Individual, it's just how I'm hard-wired.  If you're not part of the Solution to me you are part of the Problem... and so I'd like everyone else to be on board to formulate Solutions to the downside of Life's Issues having to be dealt with anyway.  So we all can be a Partnership in Solutions to our Problems.




But this Homework for him has also made me realize how difficult it is to be on the receiving end of Vented Issues you cannot do anything about nor Change that are upsetting to a Loved One.  So you just become the sounding board so that it just all gets spewn out.  Maybe it makes him Feel better and less Negative to release it and acknowledge it?  I'm not even sure yet since I can only handle so much before I have to end a Vent Session prematurely and go on to his Reward of the Fun Stuff after voluntary Participation in the Hard Stuff.  Much of it is very hard to hear and I doubt I would ever make a Good Therapist, God Love them as a Career Choice 'cause once heard you cannot unhear such Torment to the Tortured Soul of another!




And then I thought, WOW... is this how a difficult read on a Blog Post comes across to those visiting and ingesting what has been Shared?  Crap!   I wouldn't... NO Couldn't... be Exposed to too much of that!   And yet... I've Needed to acknowledge that for me this is a substitute for not having the Caregiver Support available that I require to keep pressing on with the right Attitude and doing the job Well.   I haven't even wanted to Blog lately because my Heart is just too heavy to focus on the Fluff of Life for a Post... it seems so irrelevant to me right now. 




My invisible Crown has slipped and I'm just not Feeling the Passion lately for much of anything... call it Depression... it probably is to some degree... but it's so much more than that for me actually.  I'm not inclined to Depression because I'm such a Hopeless Optimist to my very Core and so being Down is so uncomfortable that I just don't wanna sit there with those Feelings very long at all nor even FEEL them.  Being Happy as I wake up each Morning and Optimistic... or even Numb... works for me so much better.  Yet I Suspect on the inside it has been making me sick nonetheless and now I'm dealing with that Reality.




And there are so many things that I Miss about "Before"... and being somewhere that somehow Restored my Soul by it's very Essence.  The New Place is just too New to do that for me... it almost doesn't even Feel like Home with any sense of permanency yet or Essence infused in it quite effectively... tho' I suspect it will eventually?  It's a Lovely place... and an improvement by far to the Modern amenities everyone else has probably taken for granted for decades and we're just now enjoying having.




Giving up something or someone you really, really Love with all of your Heart and Soul is never easy and I know that.  Giving up too much all at once can just be so Overwhelming and difficult that you can hardly stand the Pain of it not Existing in your Life anymore... or even at all.   Not being able to Save nor Change those things that would keep them here for you gives one such a vulnerability and Feeling of Helplessness.  I reluctantly Let Go of our Beloved Old Homestead knowing in my Head that it would likely be torn down and cease to Exist... it was inevitable an Outcome really.  But I Prayed Hard for a Miracle, someone to carry the Torch to Save it.  It hasn't happened quite yet, but it will if that Miracle doesn't come and I have to Accept that unfortunate Fact that it will cease to Be as I relinquish it.




But relinquishing my Mom is ever so much harder... to Let her Go and cease to Exist on this side of Time and Eternity.  I know she has to... she's fought a Valiant Fight and now she's Ready to leave us.  I just want to be able to say Good-Bye properly and be there for she and my Brother when that time is imminent.   But not too long a Good-Bye... Lord knows that has been hard enough with a Loved Home let alone a Loved One!  I just cannot bear the Feelings so Powerful that prolonging them is Agony.  Dealing with the trifles of everyday Caregiving of three that magnify every silly little thing and go to pieces about it is harder when I'm trying to remain Stoic about Dealing with things of greater Magnitude while Mediating their squabbles.




I would Like to be able to Retreat to my Old Art Studio Cottage to gather and compose myself since it never Failed to Restore me.  But I can't... it doesn't Exist like that anymore and will soon cease to Exist at all... and that makes me very Sad indeed.  To the point I gave the keys up indefinitely so I never have to step inside again or even be Tempted to.  




 This is probably the last Mother's Day I will have a Mom here on this Earth and I can't be there with her either to Share it... and that makes me absolutely distraught, because there will not be a second chance.  I never wanted my own state of affairs to be so jacked up at a time such as this so that I couldn't be there at her deathbed.  We decided not to even make a phone call, The Son and I... because my Brother has relayed that they have her heavily sedated now and when she is awake it's awful suffering for her and she doesn't recognize anyone since the infections and fevers have ravaged her poor brain.  I would rather they not wake her from a more Peaceful medication induced Slumber then, that would be entirely too Selfish.  It's not a Happy Mother's Day for her, it's not a Happy day for her or any of us at all.




Dad had us all around him when it was his time and that is how it should be... to say our Goodbyes and give them permission to Go and not linger beyond when they should... to not suffer anymore... and not try to hang on for any of us here that will be left behind.  My Parents are such Nurturing Souls that has always been of the utmost importance to them and Family is everything to us all.  Knowing they all will be reunited on the Other Side makes me Happy for them and so my Sorrow is more for the rest of us who will always Miss them so much until we reunite one day on the Other Side too in one big Reunion absent from the body but present with our Lord. 




 And I didn't want to get the Doctor's News that I did right before Mother's Day Weekend either to put me further into a Dark space inside my own Head and burden me further.  I'm already too weary and upset for even more heaviness, Trials or Bad News.  I don't have the time or circumstances to potentially be real Sick or need a Surgery... the Timing of such Contemplation couldn't be worse and more unsettling.  So I Pray I don't have to Deal with any of that too?  My Mind races with a succession of worse case scenario Plans that would have to be put in place for everyone and everything should it come to having to adapt and improvise fast again to Deal with even more significant Crisis.  And it's all made for a difficult Mother's Day... one I don't want to Celebrate at all and would just prefer to ignore completely since it brings with it too much Sorrow right now.




A heavy Heart in the Arizona Desert this Day... Dawn... The Bohemian


12 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this heat-wrenching time. I know you are being strong in dealing with this and all the other things that are causing you even more anxiety. I do hope your mom leaves this world peacefully and everything goes well with your tests. Bless you and may you find some peace.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words and positive energy, it means a lot during a very difficult time. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. I have only just seen this post Dawn and was so saddened by it. I do hope your life has reached some kind of normality since you wrote this post and your burdens and sorrows are less so. Sending you all the love in the world, Jeanine xxxxxxxxxx

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    1. Thank you Jeanine, so good to hear from you. Coming to the Land of Blog uplifts me during these difficult times. My Grand-Daughter sees her Specialist today and I see mine Tomorrow so perhaps they will impart better news of the health issues. Thank you for the Positive Energy... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  3. Buddha's last words were, "All things pass away. Strive on". I've been there too. It will pass. TBI is a strange thing. My oldest daughter had one at 19. Though she was never the same afterward, and never married or had children, she owns her own home and works very hard and has many friends and nieces and a nephew she loves. She has a full life. Sorry it's all happening at once, but in a sense, maybe that is a good thing and better days to come soon.

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    1. You are right, at least if everything comes at once it's not so spread out with the difficult times. I am Hopeful good news is on the horizon to offset some of the bad news piling up that we've been dealing with lately. I did have a Good Mother's Day Thanks to The Son and his Family so that was certainly a Blessing. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  4. Oh Gosh Dawn! So very sorry you have more to deal with! Please Please don't let it get you completely down! You have control of that!!! God Bless You Praying that the best solution will work out for you and yours!!

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    1. Thank you my Friend, I had a very nice Mother's Day and spent the day with The Son and his lovely Family, which really uplifted my Spirits. I just needed a break from all the negative news of late. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  5. Your photos soften the suffering and pain you experience.

    "My invisible Crown has slipped and I'm just not Feeling the Passion lately for much of anything." Man! I have lived in that place many times, but each time, God reached out His hand and pulled me from that pit.
    God bless you, Dawn, and keep you. Make His Face to shine upon you, and Grant you grace.

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    1. Thank you for the Encouraging Words which are so True, God always has our back and is in complete control of it all, standing in Trust is what I am presently doing that He will work it all out on our behalf. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  6. You have so much on your plate right now. Heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts. I admire your strength and amazing capacity for love.

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    1. Thank you for those kind words of Encouragement... coming to the Land of Blog with all of it's Wonderful Community of Kind Souls always uplifts me during some of the difficulties of Life. Dawn... The Bohemian

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

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