Saturday, April 23, 2016

Sweet Salvage ~ Color Stories ~ Yes I Went... Reluctantly



It is important to keep a semblance of Normalcy to your days even during the darkest of times.  I know this, but in Application it is something that has to be an On Purpose Occurrence and you almost have to force yourself.  Because it doesn't come Naturally when you're going thru some heavy Issues of Life weighing you down and virtually consuming your every thought and Natural reaction to things in Life that just Suck! 




My knee jerk reaction to extremely bad news is not to even try to go out and have Fun or go thru the Motions of having a Normal day... it's NOT Normally something I'd do during a dark time.   Feeling pain is difficult if prolonged tho', you almost want to do anything to escape it, even just for a brief moment... seeking Solace where ever you can find it.




Yes, NORMALLY I thoroughly look forward to my once a Month outing to a favorite Event and wouldn't want to miss it.   But Normally I haven't just gotten the news that my Mom is indeed dying and ready now for Hospice.  And so I felt very Conflicted... because I didn't even WANT to go now, I wanted to just stay in bed and try to Sleep away those oppressive thoughts I was having about our current situation and not being able to be there for her... or for my Brother... right now.




I wanted to jump in the Jeep and just head to Cali unencumbered by Caregiving duties, lack of funds and fly by the seat of my pants to just BE there so that I didn't risk not being able to say Good-Bye.  I didn't want to have to be Mindful of how difficult it is for this trio to Travel and how it takes carefully preparing them and logistics you wouldn't believe to even have a short Outing in Public without Drama... nevermind an epic somber Road Trip to another State to be by a dying Loved One's side.




I wanted to Believe Mom might not be actually waiting to die AFTER all her Loved Ones from everywhere not close to Cali can show up and be with her at the End!   There are some who simply cannot be there, it just isn't even possible for them at all... and though it's not impossible for me, it sure ain't just as easy as hopping in the Jeep and doing a marathon drive. Wish it was, it would sure appease a lot of the Guilt, Angst and Torment going on inside of me right now.  When I want desperately to be there and can't be right now since the logistics aren't worked out at all.  As to how I can without falling apart trying to with this high maintenance entourage in tow?!




It will be stressful and quite a strain even IF I didn't have them all in tow and had the money at hand... emotionally I could be wrecked if I only had myself to consider and deal with.   So dragging along a brain damaged Spouse and two Special Needs G-Kids to my dying Mother's bedside, yeah, I'm dreading that any way you cut it.  And so it's not like I Needed even more Guilt heaped on, right?  I mean, how can you expect to go out and try to have a Good Time when your Mom is dying and you're still miles away!!!????!?!?   It just seemed so WRONG... I was Guilt ridden even contemplating having Fun!




I wanted to throw up that Morning actually... not go to an Event I normally can lose myself in and not think about the everyday stress and strain of just Caregiving.   And yet the respite it has always provided from just that, has been invaluable and renewed me to keep going doing what I Need to do the other 30 or so days of any given Month.   So perhaps I SHOULD go... I was still Wrestling with it in my Mind and Heart.   The Man and both Kiddos told me I shouldn't Cancel my Plans and not go.  They knew I was swaying towards a Cancellation of Plans since I'd only gotten the worst possible news just the day before. 




Mentally I was Exhausting myself trying to hammer out a viable Plan of Action to get to Cali some kind of way and make it work.   I'd taken the trio to the Dealer Dinner and a few brief Outings just to see how all of them piled into a vehicle without air conditioning and in close proximity to each other would play out?  It made me feel like Thelma and Louise, just before the Grand Canyon decision actually... not good since the dry runs were so brief compared to an out of State Road Trip!  *Le Sigh*




So I realize, when the Time finally comes that I MUST make the Journey, when my Brother tells me it's now Time... I need to be filled up and somewhat restored on the inside with Positive Energy I've tapped into from somewhere!  Because the Negativity of the whole Trip in it's entirety will require some infusion of Positive Energy in order to Survive it with my Sanity intact.  To be able to  Deal with everything and everyone in the Fruit of the Spirit regardless of how crushed I Feel Emotionally will mean I NEED Positive Energy Deposits.




What could be more Positive than attending an Inspiring Event filled with Beauty and Creativity... and People who are always so Uplifting and Encouraging?   The Family was right... I should go regardless of how I Felt when I woke up that Morning... so, Yes I went... reluctantly.   I wasn't even sure if I would Enjoy myself, I really didn't, I wasn't even sure I could talk about how I was doing if anyone asked.   Especially if they know me well enough they knew what was going on right now.   I didn't really want to think about it anymore, never mind talk about it and risk going to pieces!?




Yes I went... and some did ask... and I managed not to Cry or get Emotional... I stayed rather Stoic Emotionally, which was a Relief that I wasn't Feeling too deeply.   I rather stay numb when faced with adversity actually, it's easier to keep going if you cease to feel your Feelings.   I know some Shrink would probably say that's not Good and I should get all Feely instead, but that person wouldn't have to be keeping it together in order to hold it down on the Home front for me so I'd rather do it my way.




Plenty of time to fall apart briefly later, when it's all over and I can't keep it together a moment longer.   Then gather myself again and go on.   Been used to doing that for so long now that I'm getting pretty good at it actually and don't hit the wall too often.   Now when I see that wall looming I tend to slow down so I don't hit it so hard or so fast and can get back up rather than it looking like a Train wreck, better to limp away from it than not be able to get back up.




I also recalled how vitally important it was to keep a semblance of Normalcy to our days during the darkest of times before my Dad died... and directly after The Man's Catastrophic almost fatal Accident.  Had I NOT kept some semblance of Normalcy and tried to have some Positive Time interspersed with all that dreadfully heavy Negative Time the Children and I certainly would have suffered even more than we did.  It was like a release valve of sorts to go do some things to let off steam and pretend things were not so dreadful for a moment.




There have been other dark times in Life too... and we have Survived them all... horrible as many of them has been.   Surviving insurmountable situations has the benefit of giving you Testimonies that you can.   I know we will get thru this too... Death especially is a Natural Order of things... it's not something any of us can avoid happening... it has 100% Certainty that we all will eventually Die... it's a Given.




And while I was at the Event, which was the Theme of "Color Stories", I didn't think at all about Death and Dying, which was Good, because I had been thinking about it almost constantly.   It's not something I want to be fixated upon actually, I'm just not that Morbid... which might surprise some people.  But I actually Enjoy Life a LOT and tend to be more Positive than Negative... and tho' I can be very Dark and embrace things others find repulsive or scary I am not Obsessed with Mortality, mine or anyone else's.




I can be Happy for someone going on to the Larger Life... I Hope to one day myself... it is the Missing of them that is Hard when we are left behind.  I speculate that is probably the hardest part of Dying too, leaving others behind?  Mom has had a very good run and a very Full Life, I'm so Thankful for that Fact.   I'm Grateful to have had my Mom this long, into my own Senior Years... so many never had that privilege of having their Parent(s) a long time... or even at all.   Both of my Parents attained Old Age... I have attained Old Age... it is my Hope that many of the rest of our Loved Ones get that privilege that is not afforded to many, of Growing Old.




Mom had beaten many Odds over the years regarding Serious Health Issues... some deemed 'Terminal'.  If we'd dug holes every time the Docs said Mom wasn't gonna make it we'd be halfway to China by now.  My Nanna always told me that Mom beat the Odds since Birth since she was a Premie back in the day when Premature Infants almost always succumbed or had very short lives.  Mom has always been a Fighter... so it's not so surprising to me she's still Fighting off the Grim Reaper right up to the End.  But it is Time for her to quit Fighting now and know that she Finished her Race admirably and it's Okay to Go now.  I think she wants to and is ready, she just doesn't quite know how to succumb... that's hard for Fighters... we're Scrappy like that, we don't succumb to much or easily.




I for Sure know where I got that tendency to never give up, give in or give out... it's mos def in our Family DNA.   We are typically the last ones standing even when everything and everyone else has called it a day and thrown in the towel or hoisted up the White Flag.   My Brother has Shared enough information about these final days of Mom's Battle that I know she feels she needs Help to be able to just Die.  That must be very hard, to want to and not be able to for whatever the internal reason that you just keep Going.  Like the Energizer Bunny even tho' the batteries are spent and there should be no logical reason why it's still even remotely operational!?




I didn't have to contemplate any of this while I was out Enjoying the Event... and Yes, I thoroughly Enjoyed it as I always do... and I was so very Glad I went... I Needed it.   I am pretty certain that I can do nothing about what is happening right now... and will Trust that the Lord has everything covered that we've sent Prayers up about and will Answer those that should be and will Comfort us for those He will not.   I will try not to Question His Divine Judgment about any of it being as it is.  This is His Universe and He will run it as He sees fit... and until I have a Universe only then can I run it as I see fit.  *Winks*  I'd probably screw up my Universe so it's best He's in Charge anyway.




Right now the only thing I was in Charge of was whether or not I was attending this Event or not... and I felt like I made the right decision about that in the end.   It sure as hell beat the alternative of staying Home despondent and trying to Sleep off my Reality while Isolating from everyone and everything.  Yes, it's a Normal Phase of the Grief Process to bottom out and withdraw Emotionally... sometimes Physically... but not getting stuck in any one Phase of that Process is very important or it ceases to be Healthy or promote your own Quality of Life.




If anyone is stuck in a Phase of that Process, it is my Prayer that you be able to be gently nudged forward enough that Life will go on... Quality Life... not just Existing, but LIVING.   It is what our Lord wants for us... our Life is His Gift to us... the Life of His Son was an even Greater Gift to us... and what we do with this Gift of Life we've been given is our Gift to Him now, so I don't want to squander it and have it be a paltry Gift.




I know that both of my Parents made their Lives Count... and they always wanted for their Children to have a Good Life with many Joys and few Sorrows... as do all Good Parents.   They taught us how to Live from a Position of Strength so that when adversity came we would rise above it and not allow mere circumstances to dictate whether we had Joy or allowed it to be stolen from us.  Adversity will come... it's what you chose to do when it comes that will show you what you have within you... and you'd often be surprised at what you have within you... much more than most of you realize until that Test comes to Reveal it.




And I'm glad I spent some of my time going thru this particular adversity to bring something Positive forth out of it... these Lovely Images and this Post which I Hope has Touched someone in a way that will be an Encouragement or an Uplifting Moment in their own dark times?  It has been like a Good Medicine to my Soul to have Created it... may it have been like a Good Medicine for you to have visited it...




I was as always a Pathological Picture Taker during my Pilgrimage to The Sweet... so I do Intend more for this Series of Posts about the Experience...  sprinkled in amongst whatever Life happens to unfold in the interim... so I do Hope you'll continue to Join me as we Travel together and I Share my Journey... you've all always been such Good Company and I Appreciate that more than you'll ever know.



*******

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


2 comments:

  1. I can just imagine the anxiety you are going thru wanting to be with your Mother and Brother so badly! Praying for you that a solution will come forth!

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  2. So difficult to say farewell to a parent, all those years of our own lives entwined with theirs. Al the gifts they gave us. Seeking solace in lovely things helps, even just a little. Much love to you. x

    ReplyDelete

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

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