Sunday, January 3, 2016

Bringing Myself Back To Life



I realize in many ways the various Changes I've been making lately, Huge Epic Changes in fact, have been a Therapeutic Form of bringing Myself back to Life.  You see, a part of you Dies when you become a Full Time Caregiver to those you Love... and it can become so very Sacrificial that you actually Sacrifice Self to do it.   Only I'm not very Good at being a Dead Person and thus a Resurrection was absolutely Necessary! 


First it was Blogging... Writing has always been a way for me to bring out of me what has been deeply buried inside and stuffed down... whether it's Artistic Expression... or just Feeling.   You see, I'm quite adept at being Stoic and NOT Feeling when I need to just Function without Emotion getting in the way... otherwise I could be an Emotional Wreck whilst Dealing with the Issues of Life, such that they are and absolutely nothing would get done and I'd be in Ruins, literally and figuratively!  *Smiles*




In Fact I WAS in Ruins in so many ways, like an Amusement Park that had been Shut Down and become Consumed by the World around it!    Choked out by the aggressive growth of the Stuff of Life, which can be eerily Beautiful even in it's Take Over, Take Down and Destruction of whatever it is choking the Life out of and burying under the weight of it's own Life it has taken on!




I was still there under it all... sorta... but I didn't Feel very much Alive anymore and that was becoming a Dangerous State of Being for me since if Resuscitation doesn't take place at some point in Time, well, you just stay Dead don't you?   And I Hated Feeling like a Zombie... the Living Dead... it's not so Entertaining when it's YOU shuffling about like that looking for something... anything... to Rejuvenate you and bring you back to Life again!




I actually went thru the Motions in Real Life quite Well and Blended In amongst the Living... most of them couldn't even tell I was a Zombie... the Walking Dead, right there Hiding in plain sight!  You would think most Zombies would Stand Out, but they often don't, they can't... it's just too Risky to Reveal to the masses.   It Terrifies most people in fact to be in the Presence of a Real Life Zombie because they don't know what to do... what to say to IT!?!??




And for someone whose State of Being, like myself, is usually a Hopeless Optimist, it was really Uncomfortable Dealing with so much Negative Energy and the Feeling of so much Oppression of Spirit!   It's actually some very weighty Stuff and trying to constantly Shake it Off was Exhausting!  So I knew that Changes had to be made in order for me to Survive it all... even if I did have to keep on being Sacrificial to Self in Caregiver Mode.  The Hopeless Optimist in me just wouldn't lay down and Die Quietly or even Stay Dead.




But I'd let myself get pretty Far Gone in all these years of Caregiving for Others... and I came to the Brink several times, one time in particular was very Out of Character and Scary beyond Belief!   Since I never wanted to go There again, a Metamorphosis HAD to take place and I took Stock of what HAD to be Cut Loose.   Those things that were binding me that COULD be Cut Loose I mean... I knew several things just had to stay the same because it involves Loved Ones reliant upon me and there's no Abandonment of that Commitment, even to Save yourself.   But at some point you do have to Assess how much of Self you're willing to give to the Cause... Self-Preservation is a Strong Force!




Now it took a Leap of Faith and a whole lotta Imagining to Discover what Living again could be like if I took all of the Steps Necessary to Accomplish a Revival.   There was so much Work involved that it was rather Intimidating as well.  And since no Therapy was involved and I was doing this Flying by the seat of my pants... on my own to this Path of Self-Discovery, Finding myself and what would make me Come Alive again... I had no Professional Feedback or Guarantees it would even really Work... just Gut Instinct and the Realization of what I'd Lost along the way. 





At least I still had that... the Knowing of what I'd Lost in my Wanderings... and it's Trite but True that not all who Wander are Lost, but they might have Lost something along the way... and they might Find it again... or they might not... but it won't interrupt the Journey from taking place nonetheless.   Nomad that I have always been I'm still gonna be on the Journey even if there's a lot of baggage weighing me down!




And there was a tonnage of baggage and though all of it meant something to me, some of it had to Go to Simplify my Life some kinda way?!   Had to be Cut Loose in order to Move Forward and Escape the Cocoon I had become now Trapped in and deeply entangled within.   One I'd Carefully Constructed myself mind you... to Protect myself from exterior Forces I couldn't Control.   With Control Freaks it's absolute Terror NOT to be in Control of your own Destiny and just have to be Living Life Reactively due to the Issues of Life that just come.




You see, I View Life as one Big Adventure and I Love it, this Journey of Life... but have you ever been on this Epic Adventure you're Looking Forward to and had Turbulence and so many unexpected turns of Events along the way that you Feel Lost and totally blown or yanked violently Off Track?   Losing one's way when you don't even always know where you're going or have a particular Destination in Mind can be Frightening because how on earth do you get back on Track then?   What Direction do you turn?  How long is it gonna take?




And the how long is it gonna take part was the hardest part for me!   Lord have Mercy, it was very hard to Listen to my Heart... Feed my Soul... Sustain myself, when I didn't even know how far or how long I had yet to go!    How do you Prepare adequately for a Journey thru some difficult Territory without even Knowing how long you'll be moving thru miles or more of bad road?   You're sure to run out of Supplies in your Arsenal, that's all I can tell you about that, if you rely entirely upon yourself!




And so I Leaned heavily upon God for Daily Manna... and I Leaned upon my Wonderful Blog Community I Discovered along the way, because mostly and generally that was my only Source being so Deep in the Isolation that Caregiving Creates.   I was receiving Sustenance thru Blogging, day by day... and so I tended to Blog a lot to Feed my Soul, Blog Therapy was Free after all and I was broke most of the time... and Feed my Spirit thru The Word which is Freely Given to all who will Partake of it... while still Doing what I Needed to Do to keep it together and hold it down Caring for my Family who relied upon me Exclusively. 




 They didn't have anybody else either... and being this Fragile Person I knew I was becoming... being their Everything was probably the Scariest part of being so Dead on the Inside.   Bringing myself back to Life was imperative not just for me... but for them as well... and when I'm in a Fight for the Lives of those I Care about, I can be pretty Scrappy.   And so I Fought Hard to bring myself back... and Huge Epic Changes were made... as you know if you've been Reading my Blog for more than a Minute.  *Smiles* 




And Slowly but Surely I'm Bringing myself Back to Life!   I don't Feel so Dead anymore, I actually sometimes even Feel like I'm Living Again... not Fully... but Partially... and that's better than not Feeling like I'm Living at all lemme tell ya!   I'll take that for now... because I now Know those things that are Helping to Bring me Back to Life... and I'm Fixated upon them, as baggage falls away I actually Feel like I can Attain Life again... even Fully... and that Perspective is really Important to those that have been Dead... or almost Dead... for too long already.




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Happy New Year and to Exciting New Beginnings my Friends... Dawn... The Bohemian

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for this post, Dawn - so much to think about. I take care of a lot of people too - maybe not so intensely as you do. I'm supposed to work two days a month at the vintage shop where I rent space and do you know it's almost impossible to do even that for myself. Here's to rising from the dead in 2016!

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    1. Amen Sista... and I totally know what you mean about your little Happy Space at the Vintage Shop... I too rent a couple of small Showrooms at mine and just before New Year I completely Transformed them and purged them of unwanted Contents because it has been almost impossible to do even that for myself either and I was beginning to Hate my rooms there! Now I Love them again... ha ha ha... and it's my Retreat when I need brief Sabbaticals for myself... so yes, rise Girl rise, like a Phoenix! Ironic really that I live in the burbs of what is left of Rural Phoenix, Arizona, so fitting, huh? Winks... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. Beautiful post! I can't imagine what you're going through as a caregiver- such a challenging and loving role

    That Ferris wheel resonates with me today partly because I just finished reading _The Devil in the White City_ about the Chicago World's Fair where the Ferris wheel originated and because I often think about going out to Lake Shawnee Amusement Park, the abandoned theme park in West Virginia. My first job was at Kings Dominion and while I don't care to attend school reunions, I do attend my KD reunions with other former Rides Associates :D

    I think it's very human to want to *grow stuff* rather it be flowers in a garden or our words in a blog. I'm glad you're coming back from the dead!

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    1. Thanks for coming for a visit... I'm not sure, that one Image of the overgrown Ferris Wheel is not one I can take Credit for taking and it could be that Amusement Park you speak of since I recall something about it being in that Area? It is a hauntingly Beautiful Image... I am always attracted to Ruins and benign Neglect, don't know why, when Nature is taking over it just is so Organically Enchanting even if it destroys what it has consumed. I'm not big on Reunions either, so many people still living in the Past... and tho' I'm a Lover of Old Things, I am not one to think my best years are BEHIND me so much that I have to Glory in them. *Winks* Happy New Year... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  3. Hi Dawn..
    I'm a new follower and so i don't know much about your journey. It sounds like it's been very difficult. I'm sorry for that but am very glad that you have found yourself coming alive again! I do know what it is to being looking to God for so much sustenance and sometimes just the next breath. Thank you for your transparency. Your words were very touching and your images lovely. Prayers for you that this New Year will be refreshing and full of peace.

    Blessings,
    Tamara <3

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    1. Tamara Thank You for the Encouraging Words and for being a New Blog Supporter... it's always so Nice to Connect regularly with other Bloggers and Readers, I've made so many new solid Friendships this way, which has certainly been a Bloggy Benefit I didn't expect when I began Blogging at the Encouragement of one of the G-Kids I'm raising. I didn't even know what a Blog was in 2010 when I began and it's strange to contemplate how meaningful it has been for almost six years now! Yes, the Journey has been a difficult one, but Life usually is anyway, I don't think anything worth having comes easily and a Good Life has to be Invested in with skin in the Game. The Transparency in Blogging was a huge step when I decided to Share more than the fluff of Life... but it has Ministered to and resonated with so many others and given me a Platform to just Be Real about my own Struggles, which I realize aren't uncommon... and it's way cheaper than Therapy! *Winks* Happy New Year... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  4. I love this time of year - new beginnings are a wonderful thing! I'm always excited to start on a new set of projects every January, scrapping all the things from the previous year that didn't work (like selling at markets). LOL And not that I ever regret trying them whether they were successful or not. It's the process and being able to say that I've tried them that makes me happy. I hope you're able to dedicate more time this year to the things that make you feel alive, Dawn. ❤︎

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    1. Oh me too my Friend... dedicating more Time to those things that make my Heart Sing or Flutter does make one Feel so much more Alive! My Hope is to spend more time Creating this year... and whether it Sells or not does not matter so much as it's more about Feeding my Soul than Selling it anyway. *winks* Dawn... The Bohemian

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  5. Your ability to think through your thoughts and then express them in words is quite outstanding! I feel I have to give myself time to be still and think instead of doing all the time. I know both are valuable to the spirit and sense of satisfaction so important to a persons well being. God Bless You as find your happy times and places in this new year!

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    1. I Agree Marlynne... however, finding the Precious Time to be Still is sometimes the hardest part of having a Schedule that is very full... but when I can set aside time to Reflect and express my thoughts thru words here in the land of Blog things do tend to have more Clarity and possible Solutions emerge! Here's to us all finding our happy times and places in this brand New Year! Dawn... The Bohemian

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  6. Um, I totally know where you are coming from. I semi-cared for my parents for about 10 years...first my mom, when commuted 1-2 week to be the only thing that could get her out of bed and give my dad some relief. They lived an 1-1/2 hour away in another state.I did this while working 32 hours a week and having a shop and doing art shows on weekends. Finally after losing three show fees, because of having to cancel---I quit doing shows---and my creativity shut down. Then my dad started having issues and I closed the shop. My mom passed and suddenly I was living there more than I was home with his health issues. AND no internet---I threw myself into fictional writing and going through my mom's disasterous collections as much as my lungs would allow with all the mold.

    After three long years of living a caretaker life, my dad passed. Now it's been been almost three years since he is gone---and I'm finally coming out of being shut down, emotionally and creatively.
    It's hard...but I'm looking forward to living a creative life again...which I was afraid I would never be able to do again. Smiles...and blogging has been a great catalyst! Thanks Dawn..and I do get it! Sandi

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl