Sunday, November 29, 2015

Waiting On God's Timing Impatiently



I Confess that I haven't been in a very Good Head Space Today... and so I almost didn't Blog.  In fact I stayed in Bed off and on for almost the entire day and I knew what that meant... burnout and depression were trying to set in.   And who wants a Dark Post during the Holidays especially, not I!




And yet acknowledging the Condition of my Thoughts isn't something to ignore!   I did that once the year of The Man's Catastrophic Accident and the results were absolutely disastrous and almost cost me my Life!!!  We didn't want to revisit that stage of Life Trauma again.




Yes, I held it Together and was keeping it Down until I could finally finalize the Adoption of The G-Kid Force, because I had to.   There could be no Weak Moments and so I had none... at least I wrestled successfully with not having any... but that is exhausting.




And there is something about the Holiday Seasons that is both Joyful and Stressful all rolled into one... and Lord knows an ounce more of Stress was something I knew I didn't really need to shoulder.  At least the Stress of the Adoption was now behind me, yet I'm still waiting on the Promised 'Smooth' Transition of Health Care Benefits and Adoption Subsidy Help to begin!  And since The Young Prince needs a Medical Follow-Up for a serious Respiratory Ailment and a Dental Appointment... I needed the new Health Care Coverage Transition to be flawless!




Well, of coarse I went to the Agencies who previously handled our Case Pre-Adoption, but they were zero Help and allegedly knew nothing... no big Surprise there really but I'd been naively Hopeful they might be!   The Kiddos Primary Doctor's Office at least said I could schedule the Appointment and they'd sort thru the mess of the Post-Adoption Health Care Transitionary Period until their New Coverage kicks in and would bill the Old One under CPS.   But it makes me nervous, the VA and Tri-Care always tells me similar things for The Man and my Coverage and then stiff us with the pending Medical Bills.  

   


I want to Believe somebody will actually Cover the Costs since they will be substantial, but I'm still in an ongoing Battle with Insurances over Medical Services rendered over a year ago for The Man and I so I don't need to be fighting on yet another front, I just don't have it in me.  In fact, I don't have a lot in me right now and I painfully acknowledged that Today.   I was paying Bills for next Month that will be due and realizing that Financially this Fixed Income Thing sucks even more now that I'm juggling two households 'til I can get the Old Homestead readied to put up for Sale!




I don't know if any of you have ever done that, juggled expenses of two households?   I have before, anytime that The Man was Deployed, since they tend to reimburse you later if they Activate the Guys as Reservists during Wartime... but I was Working back then and had my Corporate Life Income, so "No Sweat G.I." was more my Mantra during those days.   *LOL*   Now the G.I. better be Sweating bullets, I know I am because I'm an Army of One on a lot of these fronts and these Battles are fierce and I don't have nearly enough Ammunition left!




I'm getting Combat Fatigue I suppose... mostly Impatiently Waiting for the Reinforcements to Arrive on God's Timing as the enemy threatens to overrun the parameters of the Ground I'm trying to Hold firm!   At least my Fav TV Ministry's Message Today was on that very Topic, God has Good Timing for letting me know that He hasn't Forgotten me and He will be coming to my aid eventually... and to keep Fighting the Fight of Faith as the Appointed Time nears and don't hoist up the White Flag!  With each Position there comes Pressure... I know that but it's still not easy to always handle the Pressures of Greater Blessings.




I want to hoist up the White Flag on days like Today tho'... and so my Combat Stance was more of the Be Still while Waiting upon the Lord because I had no more Fight in me anyway to Rush headlong into Battle for any potential Victories.  Sometimes you just need to Be Still and not Fight... perhaps the Fight is not even mine right now and it is The Lord's and He is already Working things out behind enemy lines?  That is what I Imagine, since I can't see anything happening, but it doesn't mean it isn't just because I can't see it!?!




The Man and The G-Kid Force always have Pre-Holiday Emotional Stress that I'm Coping with... it's Typical, but right now I don't need to Deal with any Drama and other Head Cases, I Feel like enough of a Head Case myself right now, Thank You!!!   So I had the Come To Jesus Talk with each of them to cut me some slack and try to Hold It Together Emotionally as best they could and do their part to keep the Well Oiled Machine from Breaking Down here!  *Winks*




BTW, the Beautiful Images for this Post were taken at both of our Antique Mall Locations of BRASS ARMADILLO in Goodyear and in Phoenix and I had to Smile when I saw these Wise Men Figures because their Expressions and Countenance reminded me of myself lately!  *Ha ha ha*   Cloaked in the trappings of years of Wisdom and Experience to build upon and yet sometimes I still Struggle for Answers for the most Important of Questions and Life Issues I must Deal with!   And if you fell in Lust with the Gorgeous Bottlebrush Tree Creations visit VINTAGE PAPER PANTRY link which is the Creative Source of the Enchantment!




I have been given the Gifts of stepping up into New Levels of Blessing and what I fully Believe I have an Anointing to Receive...and yet with New Levels always comes New Devils, you can Count on that Fact!  And until your Appointed Time Arrives to step into your New Role with total Breakthrough, well, your knowledge and Belief that you have been Anointed as this being part of your Destiny will just have to do for now!  It's kinda like when David was Anointed as being a Future King while stepping out of Shepherd Role... Huge Step Up... and New Devil Battles to Fight before he was Feeling Ready to don that Crown in total Confidence!




If you are in a Fight at a King Level when your previous Battles were at Shepherd Level, well, it can be mighty Intimidating... and I can Relate to that right now!   You sometimes begin to Doubt yourself when the enemy gets into your Head with the more Negative Thinking that maybe you can't handle this?   Maybe it's all too much?  Maybe it's just all too much at once?  And if the enemy can get into your Head early enough then he knows he can get your Day!   Today he got my Day because I'd been particularly vulnerable for a blindsided Attack and let my Guard down.




I'd been too Focused upon the Pleasantries of the Holidays so that The Princess could meet with Santa.  And Focused upon the Unpleasantries of still Dealing with the Big Move Out of the Old Place, which seems never ending and more Urgent now since I'm so Burnt Out on Moving. To where I'd given The Man too much to try to handle because I was just that Desperate for some Help... and so he short-curcuited and went a bit Mental until I could tell him it was Okay and I'd figure it out some other way to get done!




There's just some things I can't do myself and I thought perhaps he still could... but he can't... and so it is what it is and no sense either of us having a Meltdown over it and have to put his pieces back together again when his Frustration escalates to being hard to handle and Unlovely!  I know he can't help the TBI and yet it Frustrates the both of us in daily Living sometimes.   Working around it and the Chronic Depression he suffers from it is brutal and can be Toxic and Infect my own Mood when I'm already Struggling to Keep it Together and Hold it Down!   Can you only tell by this pix that my Countenance is 'Forced' and not at all The Real Deal, what a Strained Smile, looks more like the Grinch's Grimace!  *LOL*




But bear in mind, that along with the Blessings of getting additional Shifts at the Mall for the Holiday Rush it means more Work and I'm already beyond Tired.  And I just got three more Negative E-Mails from The Young Prince's Teachers saying he's still behind in missing Assignments, not keeping up with his Homework or Attending After School Tutoring like he should.   Good Lord, it's all that Kid can do to NOT be too Depressed and Overwhelmed or Psychotic to GO to School most days!




Which brings me to the Threatening Letter I received from the High School about his Excessive Absences AGAIN!   While I was trying to Rejoice in The Princess responding so well to her Special Education  and Intercession Classes by getting all A's and a B on her most recent Report Card {Yay and a Hallelujah Chorus!!!}... well, I'm still Dealing with her Older Brother Failing almost everything and missing a lot of School due to Chronic Health and Mental Health Issues.  I've filled out the Paperwork required to inform them adequately that his Special Needs include significant Health Issues and my Magic Healing Wand is broken... I'm still getting The Dreaded Letters!




You know, the ones that tell you New Laws in effect could mean that Your Student's Excessive Absences could land you with Fines and Jail Time!!!   Yeah, like I could actually PAY a Fine right now... and Jail Time, well, that's sounding less like Punishment to me right about now than the only Hope I'd have for a Vacay... someone cooking my meals, doing my laundry, resting from Cleaning and Moving, not having to take Care of anyone else and having the company of other Women in Crisis!   *LOL*   Yeah, that's where my Head Space is right now, go ahead, Threaten me with even a day of Jail Time and I'm likely to not Volunteer to come back and resume present Responsibilities!?!


  

Oh Hell to the Yeah... if The System thinks that delaying paying my Promised Adoption Subsidy for as long as they can, since they've had me for Free for so long is Working Out for them too well... lets see how paying for my Incarceration PLUS finding Placement at about Fifteen Grand a Month for the Trio I'm Caregiver of sounds to them?!?  How will THAT be Working Out for ya I Wonder?   So... I do Plan on going in to see the Asst. Principal about these damned Threatening Letters and Insist they now give The Young Prince some Housebound Education on the days he is too Sick to come to School IF they're so damned worried and worked up about his Educational Needs that they'd be willing to throw me in Jail for having a Chronically Ill Child!   WTF!??!?  It's no Wonder my Christmas Spirit is waning!!!




Because until such Time as there is a Miraculous CURE for Mental Illness and certain Chronic Health Conditions that presently have no Cure, well, we're all just Impatiently Waiting upon God's Timing for all of that too.   If it doesn't happen to be in my Lifetime, well, then I'll just have to get thru The Young Prince's two more years of Public Education Dealing with The System not Understanding that... and then eight more years with his Little Sister's!   That only sounds like an Eternity right now... and a very long Battle to wage... but get me Pissed Off enough and I'm Sure I can rally!  *Winks*   Besides, I Believe that The Lord is on my Side and the Victory is Eventually gonna be mine... so they don't stand a chance!  *Smiles*

  


And yeah, I got one more mini Christmas Tree Decoratedg with my Antique European Glass Ornaments... because I do NEED some Pleasant Distractions from Warfare during what is my Holy Season and should at least be Sacred enough to spend SOME time trying to Enjoy properly even if the enemy would rather I didn't!

*******

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


5 comments:

  1. I don't know if your school district offers this, but it might offer a solution to getting your prince through high school, if they do. We have for grades 9-12, what they call the on line academy. Basically high school on line. So the kids can take everything on line with a two hour check in and testing time once a week, or just some classes on line and the rest at their school so they can still do music and sports and proms and all. You can check it out through theweb. It is the Puyallup school district online academy and should show up with our old friend google. We are in Washington. I would hope your district would have something similar.Blessings to you, Barb

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    1. Thank you Barb, we just moved to a new district, our old one did have the Online Academy he was enrolled in it. It at least helped him not to miss so much academically and I'm discussing viable options with this District to see what he might qualify for? Thanks for weighing in, having a Child with Chronic Illness certainly has it's specific challenges. Blessings... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. I don't know if your school district offers this, but it might offer a solution to getting your prince through high school, if they do. We have for grades 9-12, what they call the on line academy. Basically high school on line. So the kids can take everything on line with a two hour check in and testing time once a week, or just some classes on line and the rest at their school so they can still do music and sports and proms and all. You can check it out through theweb. It is the Puyallup school district online academy and should show up with our old friend google. We are in Washington. I would hope your district would have something similar.Blessings to you, Barb

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  3. Wow! I hope you're feeling better now. My goodness, did you take a single breath while you were typing all of that blog? I can only advise you to have some 'me time', which is pretty naïve of me because I know you can't. I wish there was something I could do to help. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and heart. Blessings my friend

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  4. Well, I can relate to all this except the adoption part. My Christmas depression is setting in. Oh, not the Don't Want To Get Out Of Bed kind, but the Why The Hell Should I Decorate kind. Luckily I'm in Quiet Mode and not Irritable Mode! Take Care Dawn..don't wonder when it will all end...I think it never does, lol.
    xx, Carol

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

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