Sunday, August 16, 2015

The Worst Birthday Ever...



I Pride myself in Keeping It 100% Real in Life and here in my Blog... so here goes... I'm just wrapping up having the Worst Birthday EVER!   I'll be glad when this twenty-four hours that was my Birthday is over and behind me, because I can handle things being all jacked up on days when it's not supposed to be a Special Day, so much better than I can when they Spoil what should have been a Celebratory Day for me! 




You see, I have totally unrealistic Expectations for those Special Days I'm looking forward to.  In my Head I Truly Believe they will be different than any other day.   That those I'm Caregiving for will be able to, for a single day, not be so Negative, Disabled, Dysfunctional and Depressed as Usual.  You know, kind of like a gift to me on my Birthday if they can do nothing else but THAT... or at least FAKE IT and give me that Illusion... or Delusion... that it CAN BE different and Feel different... even for just a Twenty-Four Hour period of time!?!   Out of Consideration and Feeling Loved and Appreciated instead of just the opposite!




And I know... I know... that is a TOTALLY unrealistic Expectation for anyone to Live up to when they're "Not Well" and are either Physically or Mentally Ill, have damage to the brain or permanent issue, or a combo of several of all that... and it just is what it is and they are how they just are.   I know that in my Heart, but in my Head I always have the Fantasy that perhaps things could Change and I could catch somewhat of a break for maybe just one day out of the Year?   I don't know why my Birthday is that one day out of the Year that I select for "The Day"... since in all Honesty I wasn't really going to be able to do anything Special that really could be  "Spoiled and Ruined" by their combined behaviors and way of Being.   But I did... and in the doing so... well, I got Seriously Let Down.  You know, one of those Let Downs where you hit the ground hard and don't bounce back at all.   And BTW: Don't click on any of the underlined links in Today's Post on random Words because apparently the G-Kid Force got on this playing Games and created some kind of problem that I can't fathom until I get a Tech Rep out here to now fix it!!!!!!!  *Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!*  I keep trying to fix the underlined words and change them and they only pop up then on different Words dammit!




It began when I opened my Eyes this Morning to The Man saying to me, "Honey, could you help me to sort out which of my Meds are the ones for being depressed or anxious?   I think I'm going to NEED to stay in bed all day because I'm not going to be able to Cope with anything..."     Uh oh, this was an Omen that things were only going to go downhill from here.   He knows which ones are for what, all by himself, so Clearly he was asking so that I'd be very much Aware he was Depressed and Anxious so thus unable to Cope with any Plans I might have for Celebrating my Birthday.  *Le Sigh*




"You KNOW it's my Birthday, Right?", I says.   He acknowledges he knows... but that he just isn't going to be able to Cope with ANYTHING... Sorry.    Oh, Trust and Believe not as Sorry as I am... but I still hold out some Hope that if I have a conversation with The G-Kid Force, perhaps if they leave Grandpa alone sequestered in Bed... and just hang out in their New Rooms with all their Technology and Toys and all... MAYBE I can still do a little something that was on my Birthday Agenda?  However Boring, Humble and Simple it will actually be... just so that I could FEEL like the Day was actually different than all the rest and Special in a way that would be Uplifting to my Spirit and Psyche... and be all about ME and meeting myself at my own Point of Need for a change.




They did not even acknowledge it WAS my Birthday... and began the Usual Acting Up and Acting Out and could I do this, that and the third BEFORE I did anything for my own Birthday?    By now The Man had realized I was probably going over the Edge... so he did step in and do this, that and the third for them before I imploded before Nine A.M.!?!   Because if I were to Go Off that early in the Morning, their day was only going to go downhill from there and we could all just be in Harmonious Misery Together... which I Think might have been their Plan all along... I dunno... because I decided to just go back to bed and stay there for several hours so I wouldn't react Angrily, because I sure wanted to and I Felt too Angry to say very much at all or be Reactive.




It was just Easier to lay down and Cry a bit for Release and Think about what was, might have been or never will be and come to Terms with it again.   I do that fairly often in fact, to keep Sanity intact, because when someone is Forever not Well and... or... Disabled... nothing is ever going to Change about that so you have to Grieve every so often for what will never be and just Forget About what was or might have been.   It is what is... and they are how they are... Period... there can be slight Improvements and Change... but if a Divine Miracle does not happen in this Lifetime and on this side of Time and Eternity... your Faith would erode down to nothingness if you didn't just come to Terms with how it just is and will continue to be. 




Most days that aren't supposed to be 'Special' I can come to Terms with it all enough to put on the Mask of Pretending it doesn't really bother me as much as it does.    I'm one of those that Valiantly tries to Change what isn't Working in my Life and figure if I Work hard enough at it, then my own Attitude and Perception will be enough to make it all Okay.   But no amount of being a Positive Person, Creating all the Positive Energy you can Muster, having a Good Attitude and Perception of your Circumstances can totally Negate the Toxic Environment of Sickness, Negative Energy, Depression and Dysfunction others might be Suffering with and from.   It has a way of Polluting everything and everyone Exposed to it actually over Time... given enough Time it will Change you in ways that aren't even very Lovely.




After many Years of Enduring it it has in fact Changed me... to not being the Person I was either... or the Person I Aspire to be... and Feel I AM in my Natural State of Being... because it has Contaminated me in ways that I couldn't Protect myself from.   I've tried to... but I've Failed to... and on days when I Feel particularly Vulnerable and Down about it, I don't even Like the Person I find myself Becoming.  Or the Negative Thoughts I Think when I'm Feeling Powerless over my own Life and Destiny because my Life is no longer my Own and I Feel imprisoned in Caregiver Mode day after day and year after year until Decades have passed.  Almost Feeling like I'm Serving Time for a Crime I didn't even commit... and would have Served less Time for murder already!   And I Hate having those Thoughts because they repulse me to my Core.





And nobody likes to Feel repulsive about themselves or their Thoughts, so I try to just Work Off the Anger, the Resentment, the Bitterness that threatens to creep in to my daily Existence.   Because it is just an Existence, you aren't really Living anymore, just going thru the Motions of having a Life no longer your Own.    So Today, after I Felt that I'd Wallowed long enough on my Birthday in Bed, Crying and just being as Miserable and Depressed as the rest of them, even though it's not my Usual State of Being or Formal Diagnosis... I saw that things had at least Calmed Down enough for me to make a quick trip back to the Old Property to do some much needed Work.




Forget About that it was One Hundred And Sixteen Degrees and Humid... or that I'd Worked Twelve Hours Saturday... at a Dealer Event we were Hosting at Work, then at the Property clearing it out some more, then showing an Investor the Old Property, then pulling an Extra Night Shift at Work.   Fueled by Angry Energy that I HAD to Release this day I decided that though I'd initially wanted it to be a Leisurely Day of Fun and Rest, since Clearly it wasn't going to be and Night was coming quickly, I might as well get SOMETHING done and haul a load of Old Doors and Architectural Salvage I wanted to Keep to the New Property.   Go through some things that I wanted to throw away or Donate... and Distract myself by Working and NOT Thinking Toxic Thoughts.




And when I returned Home it was now Bedtime for them all... and they were still Fussing and Clueless and well... being them.   Even if you tried to explain why your Special day Felt Ruined you'd be wasting your breath, I know this because I tried, completely in Vain... because they just don't Process it as being anything to do with them and how they just are... and seem incapable of Being any other way actually... so why bother to beat your head against a Wall, I had a big enough Headache as it was from all the Crying, since I'm not one to Cry and it has to be very Bad before I will.   Today was very Bad... and I Hated it... and I just wanted it to be over already so I wouldn't Fixate on it being my Birthday and how it should just Feel different than any other day.  It didn't... and that really Sucked...

*******

Glad it's Over... because Tomorrow not being any different won't matter as much... Dawn... The Bohemian 

11 comments:

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    1. Thanks for the Virtual Hug Sharon! Dawn... The Bohemian

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  2. Oh my, I am so sorry. I have been a caregiver and am about to become one again and it is so difficult and often unappreciated. We think, that just once, someone should take care of us. I hope today is better for you.

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    1. Thank You for reminding me that this is actually typical for Caregiving... sometimes I tend to Personalize it too much. Today will be better because it's not supposed to be Special so I can Roll with it being the mundane usual grind. Dawn... The Bohemian

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  3. Oh Sweet Dawn! My heart cry's for you! Oh how I wish I could give big you a Big Hug and assure you that you are doing a marvelous job with all your charges and you did deserve a calm special day just for you!. Secretly give yourself another birthday and celebrate it just the way you want it. Even decorate your getaway car and location! Good Luck and God Bless You Friend!!!

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    1. Marlynne that is exactly my Plan, a Secret Birthday Celebration on a day that isn't actually my Birthday, but will be a Celebratory Day nonetheless... clearly two Great Minds think alike my Friend! *winks* Dawn... The Bohemian

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  4. Oh Dawn, I'm so sorry you had such an awful day. I wish there was something to do to help. If I had a magic wand I'd whisk you away from there for a real holiday (at the same time magically finding someone to take over all the things you usually do every day). Blessings my friend. I feel so sad for your disappointing Birthday

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    1. Thank You for a Virtual Whisk Away... *LOL*... I can see it now, me on the Beach at Bora Bora being served drinks with little umbrellas by Stud Muffin Cabana Boys... ahhhh, YES! *Naughty WINKS* Dawn... The Bohemian

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  5. Sending love, good energy, hugs, prayers and blessings your way on your special day. You have a beautiful soul, and it radiates with beauty, but like so many of us, life can feel heavy sometimes. You are not alone. The universe is filled with beautiful spirit energy that will always lift you back up. Some days we just need to cry, recharge and remember tomorrow is a new day. My care giving ended in the spring, and the baby sitting stopped for the summer....as much as I loved those I was caring for, I collapsed and spent much of the summer feeling unwell and in bed. I am still not over it, but we just get up and keep on keeping on. I tell myself all will be as it should be if I keep doing my best. I truly believe that. I wish for you strength, grace and peace for the coming year....Love, Yaya...

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  6. Sending oodles of energy and spirit to lighten your load! Laughter is the best medicine for all ones ills, even destroyed birthdays. Recommendation this movie---about three dysfunctional sisters(I think) Crimes of the Heart…Diane Keaton, Sissy Spacek, and Jessica Lange. Besides living in a wonderful old house…hysterical scene with a chandelier…the characters have to deal with total..you know, ka-ka! I know it will help, and there is a birthday--you just have to watch it, anyway you can.

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  7. Happy belated birthday, Dawn. You need to buy yourself the biggest damn Macabre Birthday Present you can find next time you run across one! ❤

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

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