Sunday, May 17, 2015

Off The Grid

 
 
Yes, I've been off the Grid... far off the Grid in fact... on purpose.  I like my Blog to be a Personal Sanctuary where Uplifting Thoughts and Dreams prevail, a format of Fantasies come to Life, where Inspiration and Beauty abounds.    It is often my Semi-Private Retreat and Escape, when the Issues of Life press in or weigh me down... and yet, I prefer for my Posts to be mostly and generally Positive regardless of Circumstance or what is going on in my Personal Life.   Not just for myself, but for those of you who come for Visits as well, since heavy Issues just aren't all that comfortable for anyone, regardless of which side of them you happen to be standing on.
 
 
 
 
Sometimes whatever is going on for Real doesn't necessarily infect or affect my Land of Blog World... but sometimes it does... it's usually best for me to go off the Grid when it threatens to spill over into my Happy Place "Here" too much.    "Here" is somewhat Sanitized of the harsher Realities I cannot always Control or Cope with all that well... and often find it too difficult to Share or want to talk about at length... or at all.  Yes, I've sometimes gone off on a Bohemian Rant to vent and have a Cathartic Release... usually if I'm still Ranting I'm Okay... it's in the Stillness or the Numbness that I am usually not. 
 
 


During those times that are exceptionally difficult, for whatever reasons... and excruciatingly Personal and Painful, I find it best to move through it without Words... Silently, without Emotion if I can manage being Stoic.   My Dad taught me much about being Stoic during the most difficult of times and circumstances.  To endure pain or hardship without showing your feelings or complaining... it was his Way and I found it to be Admirable and worth Emulating.   After all, showing your feelings and complaining during extreme hardships really has little, if any, benefit or value.  I've never had it actually solve anything important by feeling any kind of way about things I cannot Change... or in Complaining about them.
 
 

 
 
Expressing anything Negative just has a way of Magnifying the Negativity rather than combatting or repelling it... it seems to feed and fuel that Energy.   I Hate all Negative Energy and if I had my way I'd avoid it like the plague and anyone carrying it around as their personal baggage.   Unfortunately I'm often surrounded by it daily... and therein lies my Personal Battle and Cross to bear I suppose.   I'm so inclined to be a Positive Energy Person that I find that it makes me actually feel Physically and Emotionally Ill to be subjected to and exposed to it for lengthy periods of time since it is so Toxic and Contagious.   But when you are Caring for Loved Ones who struggle with being Positive, even on the best of days, it takes a heavy toll and can quickly turn the best day ever that you may be having or anticipating, into the worse day ever on the turn of a dime!
 
  
 


I have had days when I don't want to Deal with it anymore... and yet I must... so there is that sense of being trapped with no means of Escape... those are the worst days of all.   Conflicted would be an understatement, since giving up on those we Love with all our Hearts, but cannot Change... nor Change the Circumstances and Behaviors of... brings inner turmoil when we've reached Saturation Point and have nowhere to turn and no other place to go.   It's like being in a house ready to collapse because those within the walls are tearing it apart in their Torment and Pain... unable to find their way out... and knowing that you could go for yourself but would have to leave them behind in order to do so.  Or to be on a sinking ship that only has that one Life Preserver and seems to be definitely going down... and though drowning is Horrifying... so is leaving anyone behind on that sinking ship.   I don't choose to do so... leave that is... that instinctive flight mechanism must just be stifled by Free Will and enormous amounts of Love and perhaps even a touch of absolute Insanity... since certainly daily living without anything Changing becomes Insane and your own Personal Hell!
 
 
 
 
And though I Choose to stay, even if I'm not Coping very well or probably not even Qualified enough to Deal with it really, the Battlefield of the Mind is still where most of the Battles are relentlessly waged... internally most of the time... externally some of the time... because the Thoughts will come and cannot always be Quelled, Quieted and Silenced... you can count on it!   Doubting... Anger... Frustration... Resentment... Fear... Escape... Options... Lack of Options... Why... Self-Preservation... Anxiety... Angst... oh, the list of Thoughts can be quite endless in fact when you're left alone with them and so weary and defeated by your Ordeals that you are at your most vulnerable and at their Mercy... or lack thereof.     
 
 
 
 
One would assume that Love should be enough... it is NOT... it will not Sustain you just because you Love Deeply... especially if it is also the Source of your Torment... of your Pain... of your Misery!   At some points the Love takes a back seat to the Logic of how this still isn't Working Out at all... and you don't know what to do about it because though Love is the Motivator...  the Catalyst becomes the Individual(s) you're trying so hard to Help, and simply cannot because it is not Humanly possible to.  Do you Let Go... should you?   It is an Agonizing Question actually and one which there is no firm answers, if you dare even contemplate or entertain the Question.   Coping can be the only real Change daily... some days you manage to Cope... some days you do not... and doubt that anyone actually could.  But it isn't anyone Dealing with it... it is YOU... so it matters not who else might be able to Deal with it better.   And what if they didn't... or couldn't... and Dealt with it Worse!???!  I don't even like to think about that prospect at all!   My absolute Trust that anyone could... or would... just isn't there, so it's not even an Option on the table and open for discussion really.  
 
 


In my Heart of Hearts I absolutely feel as though the present Placement of those I Love is Best for them... even if it isn't Best for me.   And so instead I attempt to Focus upon what CAN be Changed... Environment... there... that's a start.   It may not be the Answer... but Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures and so I'm willing to take the Leap of Faith.   Even if it feels like jumping off a cliff with no certainty that there will be a Safe Landing or just a Free Fall to my demise.   Environment right now is not Ideal... and though I Love this Old House... Location... Location... Location has become the all too familiar addage that just adds to existing Challenges.  I have never been so Attached to a Home as I have been to this one... and so the Letting Go of that has been Huge for me... but it's not a Person... so if I have to do it I could, even though it's not without Sorrow.
 
  
 
 
A Fresh Start... a Blank Canvas to rebuild upon could Improve things?  It cannot Change any of them, but it might Improve some of the Behavioral Issues that have become Nightmarish with each of them?   I could concentrate more on all of that and upon them, than upon deferred Maintenance of a Historic Home on a large Acreage that I'm now unable to properly take care of too.  Of Dealing with the Issues of an Older Neighborhood in a state of decline and blight.   I could leave a lot behind... and Force the Simplification Process with an Expedited Move... Necessity is the Mother of Invention and Working your Best Hustle.   Now... the Barrier seems not to be so much in the Decisiveness of Letting Go... but upon the Relocation Process... to Where?   Where aren't the Wealthy Investors snapping up everything in sight in this Down Economy so that there is some left for the Ordinary Folks who need to live somewhere else without Investor Inflation driving up the Costs with false shortages?   Ah... the Ex-Executive-Banker in me cringes since in my Corporate Lives I knew the Game being played all too well.  In a Down Economy the Rich get Richer... it's the Art of the Deal and Profiting, and I can't blame them...  he who has the Money has always made the Rules.... it is how it is when you're at the top of a Food Chain.
 
 
 
 
So... I've gotten Excited more than a few times at Prospects snatched from right under my nose or being Cherry Picked or set aside for the Wealthy Investor Cash Buyers... it's Discouraging... sometimes I make the Mistake of painting the walls already on the Canvas of my Imagination! *Smiles*   I don't want to Settle... I don't want the dregs and leftovers... it's too big a Life Decision to Compromise Living The Dream... instead of continuing to Live the Nightmare.   So... I'm Seeking... in Earnest... and I don't really know how it will all Work Out... or Not?   But I know that at least if I tried, well, I can have a Peace about that, if nothing else...  Leaps of Faith are like that... and after all... it's not as if this is the first one I've ever made.   So... here's to Leaping... and landing, perhaps, back onto the Grid?
 
*******
 
Leaping with Abandon in the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian
 
 
 


8 comments:

  1. Praying you will make wise decisions for you and your loved ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You Marlynne... much Prayer and Contemplation have gone into these potential decisions... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  2. Big hugs to you Dawn, take care of you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You... we are moving through the Process slowly and cautiously... giving up my Old House is not an easy decision, but it is a lot to take care of by myself so I Believe it to be time to hand it over to someone who can put in the work necessary for the best use of the property... and perhaps move on to something more manageable. Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  3. Oh Dawn.....as one who has recently moved and downsized considerably....I know what a "nightmare" this project can be. When we did this....we decided on an amount we were able to afford and only looked a spots in this price range. Most were far from perfect....but we did end up finding our little jewel. It needed work and still does but it is a work in progress.....aren't we all! LOL LOL I know you will figure this out....just be patient my friend.j

    xo
    Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes Jo, it can be Exciting and Intimidating all at once! *Smiles* My Gypsy Soul has never minded the Journey and Relocations... but as I Age I do find that big moves and even the contemplation of them are a lot more daunting! If we do make the leap it is my Hope that it will be our Forever Home. Thanks for the Encouragment my Friend... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete
  4. I hate to be selfish here but I really needed this post! Thank you so much! I feel alittle bit better!!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lola I'm so glad that this Post was an Encouragement to you! Sometimes Life can become quite complicated... with measures of Joys and Sorrows intertwined and important decisions to work through. May your Journey of Life have the right balance so that Contentment and Peace can predominate your Landscape! Hugs... Dawn... The Bohemian

      Delete

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl