Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Tears Of A Clown ~ Throwing Oneself Into Busyness

I Process Grief and handle Stressful situations in a different kind of way due to my Cultural upbringing by a Stoic Native American Dad who never cried and expected us to not be Emotional either.   He was a Loving and Caring Man to an Extreme, just not Emotional as was his Upbringing and Way.  Now that I'm so Hormone Imbalanced by Menopause I do break down and Cry at times, but it's still not within my Comfort Zone to display such Emotions, especially Publicly rather than Privately.  So it is not uncommon in my Family to Grieve without Tears or a huge Display of Emotion that most people expect as the Norm.  We tend to remain Stoic and unemotional even during intense Grief and Upset.   I liken it the Tears Of A Clown where it is more like the Classic old Smokey Robinson Song, most Emotion being Processed Inward rather than Outwardly.

And when you Process Intense Emotion in such a way you tend to throw yourself into Busyness to move thru the Stages of Grief and Range of Emotion that build up... it will be your Release in place of the unshed Tears.   So I tend to get a LOT of Work done during these times... which right now isn't such a Bad Thing since piles of To Do have been building up all around me and deferred Maintenance had spiraled out of Control.  The Reason for the Focus is not necessarily Positive, but the End Result can at least make it have Purpose Fulfilled while you're Emotionally Distraught.

Losing a long time Dear Friend so unexpectedly was such a Shock that it took us a few days to actually FEEL it.   The Son and I will be Attending the Memorial Tonight with her Family and just a few other close Friends.  It will be very Intimate and we fully Intend to Celebrate her Life, as is our Custom during a Farewell.   Their Family Share similar Custom of Life Celebration after a Death so the coming Together in Remembrance will begin the Healing Process as each of us moves through the Natural Stages of Grief, each in their own way and Time frame.   

When you lose someone you've been Relational with for well over Thirty Plus Years there are a lot of fond Memories and Remembrances to ease the Pain.   Barbara had the most Beautiful Spirit of anyone I have ever had the Privilege of knowing.  In all those years I never heard her utter an unkind, unlovely or insensitive word about anyone.  What a Wonderful Example of a Life Well Lived she imparted as her enduring Legacy.   When such a Beautiful Spirit is taken too soon there is a tremendous Void in this World that is not easily filled.

And it does give everyone Pause for Contemplating Mortality in general and how Fragile Life truly is for us all and not to be taken for Granted.    To rise above petty fixations and the fluff of Life to consider what truly is Important to each of us?   Who and What REALLY matters?   It is a Time for Introspection and Quiet Reflection of our own Life Walk and the Journey we're on... Where is it taking us?   Are our Destinations and Goals considered Worthy of our Time... because Time is the Currency of God and our most Precious Resource this side of Time and Eternity so it should be spent Carefully and Purposefully.

As I'm throwing myself into Busyness I am Mentally taking Stock of what Time I'm Wasting in everyday affairs and what Time is Well Spent?   What am I Focusing upon and Fixating Upon... does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?   What Adjustments should and need to be made?  What and Who are really WORTH Investing my Time in?   A Cousin had recently Shared a Profound Verse that in part had reminded us not to make a Priority anyone who merely considers us as an Option... Truth that!

As I continue to Age and reach an Advanced level of Maturity I have found that it's much easier not to sweat the small stuff in Life or Tolerate whatever would be a barrier to leading a Peaceful and Content Existence.   To refuse to take the Offense when it is offered up, whatever way would keep things Calm and Drama Free whenever that is possible.   Sure I still have the tendency to have certain situations be a Trigger for me, since everyone has those things that make us Crazy or particularly Passionate.  But to Purposefully move thru those situations as quickly as possible and just let them go without giving them more Life, Time or Attention than absolutely necessary.  My Time, you see, is far too Valuable to Waste on such things... and yours is too my Friends! 

And I have found a Measure of Peace in Focusing instead upon those things and those Precious Ones that bring me the most Joy, the most Contentment and Purpose.   Those are always the things and Time Memories are built upon and made of... the things and People of Substance in our Lives.   The things and People truly Worthy of Investing our Precious Time with and for.   You might be able to get Money that is Wasted back by getting more... but you can NEVER, EVER get Time Wasted back... once Spent it is gone FOREVER!   And yet many times we Protect our other Assets far more Carefully and Diligently than we Protect our Time, the Currency of God and the most Valuable of all Assets!

I'm trying to make even more of a Conscious Effort to Protect my Time.  It is certainly a Wake-Up Call when those even Younger than us are taken and their Time is up... my Friend Barbara was one of those Younger Precious Ones taken too soon.   I had thought we might grow even Older Together, but it was not to be.   And beginning to FEEL the Loss now has not been easy, it never is... it is never Comfortable to just sit with Uncomfortable Feelings and just FEEL them.  But to begin Healing it must be done or it is just extended and must be dealt with at some point in Time eventually... so why prolong the Agony and Misery I say. 

Not that I haven't prolonged some Agony of Emotion and FEELING at times, when I can't afford to break down and go to pieces or be Miserable when actively Dealing with stuff, or when it's just been too Painful to sit with for long enough.   I think we've all been there too with certain Life situations, especially those outside of our Control or that just cut so deep that you Imagine you could just Die from FEELING it... you won't of coarse... but it FEELS like you couldn't Survive the Experience... but you will.   Those of us who don't show a whole lot of what we consider Negative Emotions or perceived Weaknesses can be particularly Challenged to open the Floodgates of FEELING what we Feel... and whatever Emotional Release that might stir up and purge from within.

I have said that I rarely, if ever, cry... but when I do it is as if I will never stop and it's a big snotty Sobfest Affair that actually, in the end, is Welcome and empties me out completely.   Generally it scares the Hell out of anyone that knows me well, since it happens so rarely except in Private where nobody sees and nobody hears.  And so for that reason I prefer to keep it on the Down Low so as to spare others the Anxiety it can Create for them to just let me Release what has been kept up under Control too long and needs to be set Free.   Often to get thru profound Crisis and daily Drama that cannot be avoided I tend to go on Auto Pilot to Deal with the Stuff of Life without going to pieces because I have to and need to do it that way out of Survival Instinct to handle it all.  But at some point it has to be addressed from a point of Emotion and Feeling of it... that's just a fact of Life.

I never quite know when that Timing will come for such a Release and to fully Feel what I Feel rather than Feeling Nothing and Numbness for an unspecified Time... and so, until then I'll remain Stoic and throw myself into Busyness until it Surfaces and asks to be Felt and set Free now?


Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


  1. "For every time there is a season" We've had a sadness in our family this week too. Will be attending a memorial service tomorrow with the family and friends.

    1. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Marlynne, may you all find a Comfort and Peace during the Process of moving through your Grief and Sorrow. Hugs... Dawn... The Bohemian

  2. Oh sorry to hear of the loss of your long time friend. Unfortunately death is a part of life.....take care of yourself while you weather this storm.


    1. Thank you Jo... yes, the Circle of Life continues... we're experiencing the Joys of new Births in the extended Family and Inner Circle of Friends and of coarse the Sorrows of Loss as well. Blessings... Dawn... The Bohemian

  3. I'm sorry for your loss, Dawn. Seems there is SO much sadness and sorrow everywhere. Hope the days to come bring you many more memories to reflect on and energy to keep up with the responsibilities of home and family. ♥

    1. Thank You Rebecca, the Memorial Service my Friend's Daughters had was uplifting during a very difficult time for us all. Dawn... The Bohemian


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl