Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Breathe Deep... Dig Deep

Yes, clearly it looks somewhat like a Scene out of 'The Godfather'... but Truth be told, for the time being anyway, the Art Studio Cottage Bed is where my new Magnificent White Tail Mount is going to have to take up Residence for a while.   Yes, I've reached the point of Seriously Demented Style as I Struggle to get things more in Order around here and not quite so Chaotic.  *Winks*

And you have no Idea just how Chaotic and Disorganized it all is right now, suffice to say I've been having to Breathe Deep and Dig Deep lately just to Cope.  To tread water with what absolutely HAS to be done and not much more lest I become completely overwhelmed and overcome by despair at the magnitude of Work backing up as I hit the wall yet again with Caregiver Burnout and Fatigue.  I'm trying to just stay afloat and not sink into an abyss... The Man can see I'm Struggling, unfortunately, in his Condition there isn't a whole lot he can do and that makes him just all the more Anxious.

I really am not comfortable showing Weakness or even Dealing with it, but Strength has just been waning and ebbing no matter how many Deep Breaths and Digging Deeper I can muster.   But there is the Reality that when I voice my Concerns that I'm not Feeling Well enough to keep up with everything, I'm just not Heard.   I get totally fed up with being transparent and Honest about it when I'm talking to those Agencies that are supplying Services to The G-Kid Force and The Man and just being Shut Down when it comes to accommodating me, the Caregiver or meeting any of my Needs too.   I get the Impression that apparently Caregivers are not allowed to have Needs, we're just to continue to meet everyone else at their Point of Need and shut the Hell up and just Dig Deeper.

I've Dug so Deep already I Swear I'm halfway to China by now!   So I've resorted to Sleeping every chance that I get to because it slows my Roll of all the racing thoughts that pile up in my Head.  Sleeping means I don't have to look at the piles of everything else piling up around me in the way of Work left undone or in stages of being done or Damage Control I haven't run because I just don't have it in me to keep harping on the Family to try to do better.   I'm not even fully Convinced they can do better so it's like flogging a dead Horse really to get them to that place of doing better.

To be sure there are some Bright Spots... Prince R is finally actually pulling a Passing Grade in his Online Biology Class and I Hope that holds so we can at least finish with a flourish this year?   The downside has been that being in Group Therapy has meant exposure to other Troubled Teens and Families facing similar Challenges and that can be more disheartening, Challenging and complex than I expected for it to be for him and I.   Dealing with my own Troubled Teen is more than enough for me without Dealing with Issues that come up regarding someone else's... either during Transport or while they're in Group on days I don't have to Attend.   But the Nature of that Beast is that Issues will come up when that many Troubled and Tortured Souls come together, it's a Given.

He no longer Attends Under Protest now though and actually seems to look forward to his weekly Group and even his weekly Personal Therapy Sessions, so I really try to remain Positive and Supportive... and not let any Issues that come up with other Teens there threaten to derail him or I.   I have the utmost of Compassion for each and every Family... it's just that I can only Deal with my own Issues so I don't want nor need to Deal with anyone else's.   So when a Situation comes up, I have Zero Tolerance really and it can just be somebody else's Problem to try to sort out.  If I'm not there I can't even presume to know what back end story leads to any of the Kiddos Situations between each other.   I prefer it all be Drama Free if at all possible... I got enough Drama around here Thank You.

Princess T also finished her second Intercession After School Program successfully... but the Teacher and Special Services knows and relayed to me that clearly she needs more Services and they'll let me know what is available and when.   I'm Grateful for all of the Services these Children receive, I really am, I'm not so keen on how much of the Calendar gets loaded up with Services and Appointments because I'm running around like a scalded Cat getting everyone where they need to be and picked up afterwards.   There is only Transport provided for the Young Prince's Group on Monday Nights and that has turned into it's own Comedy Of Errors at times.   Sending him off in a Taxi filled with other equally Troubled Teens was enough of a stretch for me lemme tell ya.  I can only Imagine what a Joy Ride that ends up being during the two hour Commute back and forth... their Driver must need a stiff drink or meds himself afterwards?!? 

But I Roll with it all as best I can... I just haven't been Rolling with it as Smoothly lately.  The Man has a lot of delayed Appointments because right now I just cannot Deal with the VA and his continuously eroding earned benefits without risking going off the Deep End.   Most of his Rehabilitation has been left up to me to Deal with anyway so we just keep Working on it even though I make it up as I go along since I'm not a Trained Professional at Dealing with Traumatic Brain Injury Rehab.   He's come a long way in spite of being led by someone who doesn't even know where we're going or when we should expect to Arrive... but when he has setbacks or becomes difficult, it is discouraging and disheartening.

Having dead Critters Relaxing in the Guest Bedroom of my Art Studio Cottage has more a measure of Sanity sometimes than Dealing with the trio I'm Caring for most days.   When that becomes your Normal, well, Seriously, is anything really ever going to be Normal again?  I think not.  That weighs heavily on my Psyche sometimes and shaking it to have Positive Happy Thoughts rather than Depressing doom and Gloom ones expends a tremendous amount of Energy and leaves me quite exhausted on days my Coping isn't up to par.

Needless to say it hasn't been up to par recently and I haven't been able to Escape often enough like I Daydream and Fantasize about.  So the Breathing Deep has almost caused Hyperventilation and the Digging Deep has left me in a cavernous Rut that sometimes makes me Feel like it's a Grave and I'm being buried alive.  I've been Tempted on giving up... only I'm not known to be a Quitter or a Good Loser.   I'm also not known to do well with my Wings clipped either, so it's quite the dilemma not to be able to fly above the circumstances and get stuck wallowing in them like trying to tread quicksand.

So every once in a while I Blog about some of it because I can... and it's my Forum and Platform... one of the only Precious places left that I can do what I want to, when I want to and when I NEED to!  I don't have to stuff anything down here if I can't stuff any more down without gagging and choking on it.  I also don't Feel that I'm just not Heard because I've been able to have a Voice here that isn't just Ignored and Discounted like when I'm Dealing with Agencies that refuse to Hear or talk over me when I try to communicate what is reaching a breaking point or Crisis with me behind the helm of a Ship that at times seems to be going down.   I'm not sure, you see, that I can be one of those Captains that goes down with the Ship so Valiantly and Stoic?   I'm just not SURE?

So when there's leaks and water rushing in I do tend to Panic more than just a little and try to send out the S.O.S. in time before we all drown.  Drowning is not Pleasant, whatever you're Drowning in or from.   Especially when there's no Life Preservers in sight... actually, even if there was, I couldn't find them in this Hot Mess piling up, I'm pretty certain of that!   I wouldn't even know where to look?

The Man tried to Encourage me for a change Today... Bless his Heart... he wasn't very adept at it with his limitations and all... but at least he tried and I felt a Connection in the Fog that he's usually in nowadays, so that meant a lot... just to Connect again at any level.   I knew I was Scaring him and yet I just couldn't Pretend anymore, for anyone's sake... my Acting is just not that stellar to disguise what I'm going through and up against right now.   I thought about going for Help again... but I recalled how Futile and Assinine that was every other time.  

 "Well, how do you Feel about that?", dammit, it doesn't matter how I FEEL about any of it, does it?  It all sucks the big Kahuna of sucky situations, but that doesn't SOLVE anything talking about how much it sucks and how I FEEL about how it is and will be.  I also don't NEED to hear over and over again how Important it is that I continue to Hold Up since The Man and Kiddos absolutely NEED me to... I already KNOW that as well... it Creates most of my Stress in fact since I KNOW I'm not Holding Up so well anymore and the Cavalry ain't coming because they haven't even been Sent!  I do know enough that for your Ship to actually come in, it has to have been sent out in the first place! 

 So I just cannot stomach wasting Time and Energy recounting Sad Stories and Situations to someone who really doesn't Care and isn't at all Invested or can't really do anything to Change things or doesn't want to.   Or being sent off yet again with the trite, "Well, Good Luck with that and we Hope it all works out..."   Clearly it ISN'T working out or we wouldn't be having this Conversation and I wouldn't have sought Help yet again you Idiots!!!  Sometimes I even say that out loud to them, so I'm probably not their Favorite Family Member in Crisis to have to Deal with... but I don't even Care anymore how much Discomfort I have to Share.  If they can Feel what I Feel for just a Moment, well, just Maybe I won't be blown off or completely Ignored again?   Maybe I'll even be Visible instead of the Invisible Caregiver and a handy means to an end?

And it simply just Feels Good to unload sometimes and dump it somewhere... anywhere... even tho' it is as messy as a big pile of shit that others would rather sidestep than have to step into... something better left for someone else to Clean Up... and Deal with.   And I know I'll just Deal with it... because it's not like I have a Choice anyway.  Even though taking Deep Breaths while surrounded by shit is not Pleasant I have to remember to at least Breathe regardless of how messy Life has become and not try to hold my Breath 'til Help arrives, coz I'd surely die at this rate of Help NOT coming.  Like they say, shit happens... more to some than to others.   And a Harmless Good Rant and Vent like this can relieve some of the Pressure and Frustration that builds up like a powder keg ready to blow at any time.   And it sure beats ending up on the Ten O'Clock News as a Breaking Story, right?  *Winks*


Breathing Deeply and Digging still Deeper in the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

1 comment:

  1. Does it help to know that I read to the end and that I have NO idea what I could do to help - where I'd even BEGIN if I was in your shoes?


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl