Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Much Ado About Nothing


















Ahhhh... you might have thought perhaps there would be no Words in Today's Post?   I've tried a Wordless Post, doesn't quite work for me since I'm as much an avid Writer as I am an avid Photographer and one doesn't seem quite Complete without the other.  *Smiles*   But I do find that I can make much ado about nothing at times.   So I have to slow my roll before adding or uttering Words to a Feeling... or what I am taking in Visually.   Lately I've been making much ado about nothing a LOT.  Not that I've often voiced those Sentiments outside of my own head, but I still know I'm doing it.  I can Magnify what could be a trifle into something so much more than it needs to be.  I'm sure Freud would have an Explanation for why some folks can handle Epic Crisis in stride and yet go to pieces about Insignificant things... I'm not really all that interested in why I'm this way, I just know that I am.


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In the Grand Scheme of things most of what I'm making much ado about is probably not all that Important really or worth as much Attention as I give it.   It's not going to be a Life or Death Situation and probably nobody else even Cares about what I'm tending to Fixate upon?   And I can Fixate, Trust and Believe I am easily Fixated in fact!  *LOL*   And I know well what those things will be that I tend to become so Fixated about that I'll make much ado about them!   Mess and Disorder come to Mind first and foremost... and yet, I tend to be a rather Messy and Chronically Disorganized Individual, so why it even is such a Big Deal to me is a complete Mystery really!?!   Why I can make much ado about the Mess and Disorder others Create, when I'm so prone to it myself, is rather baffling when I think about it.   But the Mess and Disorder others Create does set me off... especially if I'm in the Role of running Damage Control behind them!


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Cleaning up one's own Mess is rather more tolerable... because often, if I've had to put enough Time and Effort into it, I'll keep it that way for a while... perhaps even a long while before I'd need to do it again.   So it's not so bothersome to Clean Up behind myself, even though I'm Responsible for quite a bit of Chronic Mess and Disorder.  Because normally I never expect anyone else to Clean Up after me.   If I make a Mess I fully expect to be the one to take care of it at some point in the Future.   I Wish everybody felt this way, but clearly everybody does NOT!   I might get upset with myself if I allow it to get to Critical Mass and procrastinate, but I still Feel a measure of Control about my own Mess and Disorder, so it's not so bad.   For a Control Freak that is Important... because it is bad when that measure of Control is compromised by others making a Mess that they don't intend to Clean Up voluntarily or at all!!!   That's the point I begin to unravel!


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But really, when I Contemplate the outcome... are such things Important ENOUGH that I need to make much ado about them at all and risk going over the edge?   It's not as if we have very much Company stopping in for a visit, so nobody will probably ever look at it or pass judgment.  Most of the Visitors we do have are Playmates of The G-Force and they could care less whether our Home is in Order or a total disaster.   In fact, they often contribute to it being so... either by helping with a Clean-Up Project or assisting with Creating the total disaster!    The Man isn't Messy... too many years in the Military I suppose have made him one of the most Orderly and Disciplined Individuals on the face of this Earth!  But he does have the Capacity to Ignore Chaos and Deferred Maintenance better than I do... and Tolerate it without having it get to him.  It gets to me... I Confess... even if I made it or am Responsible for the ultimate outcome, I'm inclined to abhor it more than The Others under this roof!  


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And Delayed Gratification... that is another sticking point.   I'll watch those HTV Shows where someone moves into a Home with Projects pending and Walla... three to nine Months later they've got everything completed and no longer in a state of suspended animation or complete Chaos!  They've accomplished those things that make the Home Complete and perfectly habitable for them and how they want to Enjoy it all.   Meanwhile... back at Bohemian Valhalla, we're quickly steam rolling into our second decade here and though initially there was Progress... the Issues of Life ground everything to a screeching halt.  Not only Restoration and Remodeling being suspended, but Maintenance as well began to suffer as things went quite left on a personal level and Crisis overrode and trumped Home Improvements and fulfilling Dreams almost indefinitely.   We got to the point where I didn't even want to Dare to Dream in fact because it was too Painful!


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  And the burden of doing it all and finding ways to fund it all is firmly resting upon my shoulders alone now... which was never an Expected outcome.   This was to be Our Dream Home and Retirement Haven and we were going to do it Together!  And when we bought it we were ALMOST Empty Nesters with just one Teenager, our Youngest, still at Home and not yet Raised!  We had a mere five years before he would have been Grown!   But within a mere Month of Purchasing our Historic Dream Home the Young Prince was born and it became clear that we would be Raising him.  Coincidentally about this time The Man's Health also began failing rapidly... and then five years later along came Princess T's birth with the same obvious outcome as her Big Brother.  Both Careers had to come to a screeching halt along the way for obvious reasons.  Many other Epic Crisis and Losses hit involving Extended Family as well, it was the perfect storm.   And then The Man's Catastrophic Accident in 2013 just iced the cake for Life Altering circumstances where things would never be the same again.  Major Adjustments would have to be made... many Dreams became somewhat of a Nightmare and had to just be laid to rest and moved through the stages of Grief over the Loss of.


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So... I'm slowly Letting Go of the Fantasy that things will be Orderly and a Vision while I am still Raising Youngsters.   I am learning to have the Capacity to live in a perpetual mess and state of suspended animation while mostly just dealing with ongoing Crisis.  And until I cull the possessions to a Sane amount of only the most Beloved of Objects and dispose of the rest since my hands are too full to Care for everything and everyone there will always be a lot to do.   I've HAD to reach that Conclusion even though many Wise Sage Friends have told me many times that this is the primary Reason why I'm in such Distress... because my Expectations were not at all Realistic given our particular circumstances as they now stand.   But I tend to hold onto Fantasies longer than most I suppose... and the Letting Go of them isn't at all easy for me.   And the Conflict between my Fantasy and my Reality often mean there will be much ado about nothing still going on from time to time... until I Reconcile myself in a more balanced way of Being about it, which is a Process I'm slowly moving through one day at a time.

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Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian 

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