Wednesday, November 5, 2014

A Rumpelstiltskin Moment

Lately due to Family Health Crisis of Epic Proportions I've been completely Consumed by Doctor and After Care Appointments which are stacking up like cordwood on every day of the November Calendar.  It would be easier and shorter to say when I'm NOT taking someone in the Fam to an Appointment this Month actually... and thus, a lot of Projects I Intended to begin in November, once the weather finally cooled off, are on Hold again.  *Le Sigh*

Now, that's not to say I don't still have Delusions of getting to them or Attempting to Commit some Precious little Free Time I can squeeze out of a day to Devote myself to the Projects I'm itching to get to and lose myself in.   But I find myself having Rumpelstiltskin Moments when I do venture into the Art Studio Cottage Bedroom Makeover lately.

I mean, that Bed piled high with Vintage Pillows and  Quilt looks so Inviting... and I've got the Serenity of being in there by myself with no Entourage... in the Peace and the Quiet of a Brief Escape from the Madness and daily grind of Caregiving.   And so I can't help myself, I sprawl out across it... you know, just to Rest a Moment before I begin the Projects... and then, I falls asleep!  *LOL*
And not just one of those Blessed Catnap Slumbers that don't then Consume the whole day or make you Late to something Important, like picking up a Kiddo after School on Time! *Oooops!*   I'm talking about a "Comatose Knocked Out For Hours unless someone or something rouses you from
it" type of Sleep you've Involuntarily fallen into!    *Yikes!*

Sure, I know that Exhaustion and Fatigue are a daily 'Given' when you're a Full Time Caregiver... regardless of the amount of Loved Ones you're responsible for... and you learn to get by on little, or no Sleep and catch some Z's anytime you can.   But it's frustrating when you didn't INTEND to fall Asleep and it just happens... and like Rumpelstiltskin... when you wake up it's practically a brand new day and you've lost huge chunks of valuable time and become completely disoriented because after all, you didn't even REALIZE you'd fallen Asleep... or for THAT long!
And Holy Mother Of God... I was supposed to ________________ ... or be ______________ at such and such a time {you fill in the blanks} and now I better light a fire under my arse because I'm either barely gonna make it, I'm Late, or I missed it completely!   If that doesn't give you a Rush of Adrenalin and total Panic I don't know what will my Friends!? 

Now, some things if you Sleep thru it or don't wake up in sufficient time to Arrive when you should are no Big Deal... and other things... well, they ARE.   My Rumpelstiltskin Moments have been the latter... when I actually thought I HAD some Free Time inbetween all the Scheduled Calendar Chaos and made the mistake of trying to catch up on one Project... one thing on Hold that I was really wanting to Devote myself to rather than all these things I'd rather NOT have to Devote almost ALL of my Time doing ALL of the time. 

And so there is that double frustration... because now I not only put more Pressure on Self to do those already Scheduled necessary tasks I'd rather NOT be totally Consumed by and Dread... but I didn't get a damn thing accomplished in the way of the Stalled Out Project either!!!  *Dammit!*  I Hate to Re-Schdule Dreaded tasks or miss Appointments since I'm Miss Punctual, Responsible and Reliable in an OCD kinda way.  *Smiles* 

 And I don't like to have to Rush going to or doing ANYTHING... I'm a Leisurely Type of Gal and thus usually very Early just so that I won't be Rushed or Late to anything I have to or want to do.  I've got enuf unavoidable Life Pressures without Fabricating my own for Heaven's Sakes!!!   When I'm Rushed it Short-Circuits my Zen and doesn't bring out the Best in me... well, that's an Understatement actually... I can be positively Beastly... just as the Crew here if my feet have been held to the Fire Time-wise and I Feel Rushed now!  *Ahhhhhhhhrrrgghhh... Run for your Lives!*

And it doesn't Help that the majority of the Dreaded Necessary Medical Stuff the Crew here clearly NEED and I've fought so damn hard to get for them, is Attended by them UNDER PROTEST!  *Le Sigh*  Oi Vey, have you ever tried to Maintain your Composure when you've worked really, really hard getting something Necessary for someone who needs it and then they're NOT Dialed in and On Board to Receive it and get the most Benefit out of it?   When you're a Caregiver you also Learn that this is frequently also a 'Given', and the Best of Intentions will fall flat and thus leave you deflated and Feeling completely defeated, because Forcing Help upon others just never works, no matter how much they NEED it. 

Because when there is a Medical Crisis or Chronic Ailment it's not as if you have the Option of Doing Nothing, since you're the one Responsible for their Care and Well-Being, the one that must ensure they Receive what they NEED Medically, whether they like it or not!   But if someone is not ready or willing to Receive something... then it's not very Effective really and you could end up with perpetual Crisis involving them so it's a Vicious Cycle you can't always Control.  And I'm a Control Freak, remember?  *Winks*
   If they're Shut Down... Uncooperative... Non-Compliant in their Process... Resentful... Angry you're Gung-Ho about Receiving Help and Services... practicing Avoidance... in Denial... skirting any Responsibility they could Assume... Making a Production out of everything... not Plugged Into or Convinced it IS necessary or Helpful to their Health, Safety or Healing... or any number of other Adjectives to describe their overall Resistance and Rebellion to being there and Involved or the least bit Engaged at any level... it is almost Futile to persue, even tho' you must.

That my Friends is Exhausting in a Physical and Mental way I cannot even put adequate Words to.  Knowing they desperately need Help but seem unwilling or ready to Receive it and trying to get them to the place where they're 'All In' too.   So I fully Understand why that Bed looks so Inviting and I flop down onto it... that those Pillows look like Heavenly Clouds to Rest one's Head upon and go into a Slumber Coma that I didn't Anticipate... even tho' it always seems to happen so you'd think I'd not give into the Temptation to sprawl out on anything Comfy! 

  Yeah, I know I NEED it, blah, blah, blah Ad Nauseum... {The Textbook Answer all Caregivers get AS IF we don't know already what we NEED and are totally unaware and Clueless and thus Choose our Predicament and are trying to be Martyrs or something equally Stupid!  I Personally Feel totally Patronized when someone tells me what I know I already Need and can't GET!}  Hell, I NEED a host of things I've had to Learn to just do without and keep on truckin'.  I don't want to Self-Destruct, I ask for more Help incessantly... I KNOW I need it... often it never comes or we can't afford it and that's just our Reality.  

And NO... our Disabled Veterans don't get everything for Free, which is why you see the Host of Commercials now Soliciting Sponsorship like for some Forsaken Third World Child... and Public Funding for Wounded Warriors and their Families is filling in the Gap... because the Government is not always Honoring their part of the Contractual Agreement anymore.  Earned Benefits have Eroded or simply been Nullified.   So God Bless these Programs and every Civilian that has stepped up to do their part to Help Fund Services for our Disabled Warriors and their Families so that at least some are being met at their Point of Need without begging or doing without!  But that's another Rant for another time... I digress and don't even wanna go there!  The Not Getting To ANYTHING you WANT to do... or NEED to do besides the Caregiving around your Home drives you Crazy so you HAVE TO at least Attempt it from Time to Time to Preserve your Sanity and make sure it EVER gets done! 

 It's not as if there are Co-Workers and Stand-Ins like at a Paying Job to Assist in getting whatever needs to be done accomplished or fill in for you when you can do no more... or a specific Shift you're on... you're ALWAYS on... there are no days off, ends of Shift Work Day or paid Vacations to look forward to.  And do you know how difficult it even is to get Volunteers or Paid Help to stick around or show up if your Loved One(s) is Difficult or not always Lovely and easy to handle and is mos def considered High Maintenance and Expensive to Care for... or there's too many of them in one household so Qualifying Factors make it next to Impossible to get everyone Service?

Things can snowball and spiral out of Control real fast otherwise if YOU don't just get it done... and if my Home is a Wreck then I am usually a Wreck... and don't wanna be here having to look at it!   I can Keep It Together and Hold It Down thru Perpetual Crisis after Crisis if I have a Beautiful and Orderly Nest to Retreat and Escape to... but if even that isn't there for me... I just want to Escape period and not be here at all... which isn't a Good Idea nor place to take oneself on the Canvas of your Imagination.

I'm Thankful some long requested Help has FINALLY Arrived and some of it is even coming to the Home now and bringing short and temporary After-Care Emergency Services to us for at least the Young Prince.  So that I don't have to go to them and Commute everywhere all across the Valley to Receive it for my Loved Ones.  But even that must have chunks of Time set aside and Reserved for it. 

Not to mention a Home that you can have them walk into and be Received that isn't a Hot Mess or Complete Chaos or deemed not appropriate by someone else's Standards.  So that is a Pressure too if you're an Army Of One constantly barely able to have Time to be running Damage Control and Caregiving rather than catching up on what else NEEDS to be done in the way of Deferred Maintenance rather than done-over AGAIN and so Soon!!! 
So I know WHY I'm Tired and inclined to Rumpelstiltskin Moments if I Stop long enough, it's no Mystery... and some days I even allow myself that Luxury and just on Purpose don't get things done at all beyond what is absolutely Critically Necessary.   Days when I just sit down to try to do a Blog Post uninterrupted and Transport myself to Lovely Places here in the Land Of Blog or Connect to other people who don't require my Care or need me fully Invested to do anything for them.
It's nice to just have some Social and Recreational Outlets and NOT being needed twenty-four-seven and three-hundred-sixty-five as if you're a Machine.  And one that won't break down at that... when overworked and never having any Maintenance done to it to keep it operating without a hitch or a glitch or just plain wearing out from being used up! 

If I Shared how much MORE Complicated things are getting in order to meet everyone I'm Caring for at their Point Of Need you'd probably Advise me to go ahead and Run Away and join the Circus... it would be less of a three-ring Performance actually and there would be Staff!  *Winks*  So... for now I just recognize that Rumpelstiltskin Moments are just my Body and Mind's way of Shutting Off and Shutting Down for as long as they need to Re-Charge and keep going... and when I Wake Up I try not to focus on the Time Lapse that occurred Involuntarily... because clearly it was Necessary and I'm not even going to try to Resist it.
And when time and energy permits I'll still continue to slap price tags on my stuff at Home and usher it off to the Showrooms in order to Fund whatever the Crew here needs and isn't being provided by Insurance or Agencies we can Qualify for or should be Helping more than they will.   Thankfully I've Hoarded enough of it over the years to make somewhat of a difference for a fairly extended period of time and turn a marginal profit.
And every time I'm Tempted to want to Shut all or part of that down because it's added Work, though not too demanding and I can set my own hours to Work it... and though often a discouraging and inconsistent cash flow I'm reminded that I don't have a whole lotta Options that are vyable anymore... and it is one of my Little Happy Places in many ways so we'll just press on with it too... for now... and I Thank The Land of Blog for being a Platform to get some of this off my Chest and cast off into the Universe of Cyberspace... and for FREE!  *Winks*
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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